Safe Families Training

Commissioning, equipping, and supporting people to offer hospitality and compassion to families in crisis.

Training Objectives To prepare people for the unique

challenges of being a Safe Family parent.

To review principles and techniques of healthy parenting that are particularly applicable to Safe Family parenting.

To learn the fundamentals of compassionate hospitality for live-in guests.

The Difference of Safe FamiliesThe Difference of Safe Families

Foster FamiliesFoster Families• For children in For children in

state custodystate custody• Non-voluntary Non-voluntary

placementplacement• FF receive stipendFF receive stipend• Court involved in Court involved in

determining determining child’s statuschild’s status

Safe FamiliesSafe Families• For children NOT in For children NOT in

state custodystate custody• Voluntary placementVoluntary placement• SF receive no SF receive no

stipendstipend• Goal is return to bio Goal is return to bio

parent and no court parent and no court involvement to involvement to determine status.determine status.

Agenda

Hospitality: Opening our hearts and our homes

Healing Grace for Hurting Families Providing Parenting for the Child Supporting Family Relationships The Love Factor

Safe Families is a movement of compassion and hospitality.

• Our aim is to mobilize a movement of people who are opening their homes rather than turning their backs to families suffering the anguish of crisis.

• Our passion is to connect people willing to be ‘spiritual extended family’ to those who lack that kind of support.

Placement Timeline

We receive a

phone call with a

request for

placement for a child/ children.

We contact families and ask them to

prayerfully consider opening

their home.

Placement documents

are completed and child is placed in home.

Placement Timeline

We call within 48 hours to see how

placement is going.

We schedule and carry out a face

to face visit with the child

within one week.

‘Staffing’ meetings to assess direction

of placement after one month.

Placement Documents Placement Agreement. Appointment of short-term

guardianship. Power of attorney for

health care and medical card/numbers.

Parent information sheet. Child information sheet.

Case Coaching: We Case Coaching: We are with you!are with you! To serve you in your service as a Safe To serve you in your service as a Safe

Family.Family. To help process your experience in To help process your experience in

hospitality with you.hospitality with you. To be available and helpful in resolving To be available and helpful in resolving

difficulties that may arise.difficulties that may arise. To help the child’s parent/guardian(s) To help the child’s parent/guardian(s)

to connect with needed resources and to connect with needed resources and to encourage their growth through the to encourage their growth through the time of the placement and afterwards.time of the placement and afterwards.

Hospitality: Opening our hearts and our homes

Welcoming the child.

Familiarizing the child with your home.

Familiarizing the child with household routines and patterns.

Reviewing family guidelines for conduct, boundaries, and consequences.

Extending both privileges and responsibilities

Welcoming Smile! Introduce yourself and other

family members. Express gladness. Be attentive. Gently express interest by

asking questions. Have some food ready. Ask about child’s

preferences (what they like to be called, food, activities).

Familiarizing the child with your home

Take the child on a tour of your home.

Explain uses of rooms.

As appropriate show appliances (TV, stereo, washing machine, etc…) and demonstrate use.

Point out where things can be found that the child might need or want (snacks, paper, pens, towels, etc…)

Explain what your family schedule is ordinarily like.

Review your family’s routines and ways of dealing with issues that may arise.

In a positive way, explain household codes of conduct, boundaries, and consequences.

Explain any safety procedures you have for your home.

Safety Tips for Maintaining a Safe Home

• Do not rely on insect screens to prevent falls from windows.• Place bathmats/ safety tape on the floor of the shower/ tub.• Keep hair dryers, radios, and other electrical appliances out

of close proximity to water.• Remember that new health and safety information comes

out every day; keep current!• Put babies to sleep on their backs in a crib, never allow let

a baby sleep with you or your with older children.• Never leave children under 1 yo alone with a family pet.• Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death for

children between the ages of 1 and 19.• Until babies reach 1 year of age, their bodies are not

developed enough to survive a crash facing forward.• Drowning is the 2nd leading cause of injury-related deaths in

children 14 and under. Childhood drownings can happen in a matter of seconds and typically occur during a brief lapse in supervision.

More Safety Tips

• Store knives and scissors out of the reach of children.

• Keep any dangerous products (including matches and lighters) in a locked cabinet out of sight and reach of children.

• If you don’t know differently, assume house plants are toxic and not safe for children to chew on leaves or eat berries.

• Make sure that everyone who cares for your child knows the dangers of shaking babies.

• Be alert to anything in the baby’s environment that could be put in the mouth and swallowed.

• Do not feed children younger than 4 any round, firm food unless it is chopped completely.

Welcoming Plus: Points to ponder and questions to consider

“If it is hard for you to specify your family’s patterns and traditions, it may be difficult for a new child to figure out your ‘unspoken’ rules.” (PRIDE, 8-15)

“The child that comes into your home may have a very different set of routines, traditions, and patterns of behavior.”

Which routines, traditions, and patterns of behavior in your family could you change to accommodate a new child? Which are non-negotiables?

Which might a child find unusual or hard to get used to?

Points to ponder and questions to consider:

How will other members of your family, especially your children, manage the stress of changes in family routines, traditions, and patterns of communication?

If you changed a routine, tradition, or pattern of behavior, would you resent the child for ‘causing’ the change?

Children newly placed with Safe Families cannot be expected to make all, or even most of these changes, at least not right away. It may be ‘easier’ for the family to adapt to the child, at least temporarily, than for the child to change to suit the family. The past lives of fragile children may have lacked stable routines, traditions, and patterns of behavior.

The Development of Racial The Development of Racial IdentityIdentity

► Birth to age 3: Toddlers become aware of Birth to age 3: Toddlers become aware of physical race and skin color difference and physical race and skin color difference and learn names for specific groups. They do learn names for specific groups. They do not comprehend the real meanings of these not comprehend the real meanings of these labels and may be puzzled by the use of labels and may be puzzled by the use of colors to describe people.colors to describe people.

► Ages 4-6: Preschoolers can usually identify Ages 4-6: Preschoolers can usually identify their own racial or ethnic group and may their own racial or ethnic group and may place a positive or negative value on their place a positive or negative value on their own and other groups. Feelings about own and other groups. Feelings about groups are acquired by absorbing societal groups are acquired by absorbing societal messages from the media, literature, toys, messages from the media, literature, toys, and their surroundings, even in the absence and their surroundings, even in the absence of contact or parent instruction.of contact or parent instruction.

The Development of Racial The Development of Racial IdentityIdentity(continued)(continued)

► Ages 7-11: They usually have a firmer Ages 7-11: They usually have a firmer understanding of their own racial and ethnic understanding of their own racial and ethnic identity and—given the opportunity—will identity and—given the opportunity—will explore what it means to be a member of this explore what it means to be a member of this group. This can be a prime age for participating group. This can be a prime age for participating in group activities with a cultural or educational in group activities with a cultural or educational focus, as well as a time when role models are focus, as well as a time when role models are especially important.especially important.

► Ages 12-18: Adolescence is a time of Ages 12-18: Adolescence is a time of exploration: including determining the exploration: including determining the significance of race, ethnicity, culture and significance of race, ethnicity, culture and examining how these apply to the individual. A examining how these apply to the individual. A teen’s past experiences with his or her ethnic teen’s past experiences with his or her ethnic group identity are important, as those group identity are important, as those experiences determine whether his or her experiences determine whether his or her identity now is positive, negative, or in identity now is positive, negative, or in transition.transition.

Important Principles for Caregivers to Important Principles for Caregivers to Communicate Promoting Positive Racial Communicate Promoting Positive Racial

IdentityIdentity• Members of the child’s culturally Members of the child’s culturally

different group (CDG) can and do different group (CDG) can and do make positive achievements.make positive achievements.

• The child and his/her CDG have the The child and his/her CDG have the same rights and entitlements as same rights and entitlements as members of the dominant group.members of the dominant group.

• The child and his/her CDG are as good The child and his/her CDG are as good as any other group.as any other group.

From Foster PRIDE/Adopt PRIDE PRIDEbook, session 5, page 6

More Important Principles for Caregivers More Important Principles for Caregivers to Communicate Promoting Positive to Communicate Promoting Positive

Racial IdentityRacial Identity• Stereotypes, prejudice, and discrimination are Stereotypes, prejudice, and discrimination are

wrong and are based on untruths.wrong and are based on untruths.• Expose the child to historic figures and give Expose the child to historic figures and give

information about his/her group’s information about his/her group’s accomplishments, capacities, value, and accomplishments, capacities, value, and culture.culture.

• Redefine and reframe the child’s definition of Redefine and reframe the child’s definition of success, strength, and accomplishment by success, strength, and accomplishment by using the standards of the child’s culture (such using the standards of the child’s culture (such as highlighting family commitment, group as highlighting family commitment, group survival, or spiritual integrity.)survival, or spiritual integrity.)

• Expose the child to members of the same CDG Expose the child to members of the same CDG who are in positions of power and control.who are in positions of power and control.

How Attachment How Attachment DevelopsDevelops

Child Feels

Discomfort

ParentComforts

Child(meets need)

ChildFeels

Comfortable

ChildExpressesDiscomfort

(a need)

From Foster PRIDE/Adopt PRIDE PRIDEbook, session 3, page 5

The Continuum of The Continuum of AttachmentAttachment

Un-attached

Disorganized--Ambivalent--AnxiousHealthy

Attachment

Less Secure Attachment

More Secure Attachment

From Foster PRIDE/Adopt PRIDE PRIDEbook, session 3, page 7

Promoting Mutual Promoting Mutual AttachmentAttachment

Consistently understanding and Consistently understanding and meeting children’s needs.meeting children’s needs.

Helping children express their feelings Helping children express their feelings and demonstrating they understand.and demonstrating they understand.

Helping children relax and have fun.Helping children relax and have fun. Using non-abusive discipline.Using non-abusive discipline. Helping children feel good about Helping children feel good about

themselves.themselves. Making sure that children do not feel Making sure that children do not feel

rejected even their behavior is rejected even their behavior is unacceptable.unacceptable.

Attachment is an enduring Attachment is an enduring affectionate bond between two affectionate bond between two

individuals that joins them individuals that joins them emotionally.emotionally.

Lack of secure Lack of secure attachment may cause attachment may cause the following the following behaviors:behaviors:

ManipulationManipulation Chronic AnxietyChronic Anxiety Problems with Problems with

AuthorityAuthority AggressivenessAggressiveness HostilityHostility Poor relationships with Poor relationships with

othersothers Poor self-esteemPoor self-esteem Self-isolationSelf-isolation

To promote To promote attachment and attachment and reduce behavior reduce behavior problems:problems:

Positive interactions Positive interactions with the child.with the child.

Strong nurturing.Strong nurturing. Allow the child to Allow the child to

grieve and mourn.grieve and mourn. Providing structure Providing structure

in the home.in the home.From Foster PRIDE/Adopt PRIDE PRIDEbook,

session 3, page 32-33

Needs of All Children:Needs of All Children:

Self EsteemSelf Esteem Cultural and Spiritual IdentityCultural and Spiritual Identity Positive GuidancePositive Guidance Appropriate DisciplineAppropriate Discipline To be interested in learningTo be interested in learning To Learn to Get Along Well With To Learn to Get Along Well With

OthersOthers

From Foster PRIDE/Adopt PRIDE PRIDEbook, session 3, page 58

Household Harmony Expectations and

Guidelines

Safe Families is a ministry of hospitality through which a family opens their household to others. Healthy households are characterized by an understanding of and an agreement to mutually honor specific expectations. These expectations function to establish order, foster mutual respect, encourage communication and harmony, and promote personal growth.

Household Harmony Expectations and

Guidelines

This household is the creation of _____________________________________

Their desire is for their household to be characterized by _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In order to develop, maintain, and maximize theseIn order to develop, maintain, and maximize thesecharacteristics, they have established the characteristics, they have established the

followingfollowingexpectations with regard to:expectations with regard to: Times: Times:

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Places: Places: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Language: Language: __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In order to develop, maintain, and maximize theseIn order to develop, maintain, and maximize thesecharacteristics, they have established the characteristics, they have established the

followingfollowingexpectations with regard to:expectations with regard to:► People: People:

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

► Boundaries: Boundaries: ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

► Dangers: Dangers: ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

► Unacceptable conduct: Unacceptable conduct: ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

► Other:____________________________________________Other:______________________________________________

From Welcoming to Accommodating

Learn the child’s routines, traditions, and patterns.

Work to change immediately only those routines, traditions, or patterns of behavior that threaten the child or others.

Make a plan that involves your whole family in the change process.

Recognize that change takes time. Understand that routines, traditions, and

patterns bring comfort. Don’t expect the child to give up a comfortable, or familiar routine until s/he trusts that a new one will take its place.

Hospitality Plus

Honoring your guests Celebrating your guests: seeing the

time of having a guest in your home as a special privilege and season of blessing for you and your family.

Accommodating your guests. Protecting your guests.

Healing Grace for Hurting Families

Crisis, pain, and brokenness offer a special opportunity for experiencing grace and healing.

Healing is offered through eliminating isolation and providing resources for resolution.

How we can promote healing:

Children who have been separated from their birth families experience a barrage of mixed, and often conflicting feelings, such as fear and hope, sadness and happiness, anger and excitement, helplessness and enthusiasm, guilt and relief.” (PRIDE)

Separation from attachment to their parent(s) is a serious loss for the child.

These feelings will confuse the child and maybe you too!

Help your guest child cope with the feelings resulting from separation and loss.

How the child may experience being placed in your family:

Joy/confusion/anxiety to be in a safe and stable environment.

Grief/anger/relief at being separated from their parent or guardian.

Guarded/open/anxious to live with people (you!) they’ve never met.

Challenge of Working with Loss and Grief

Separation, loss, and grief are painful experiences.

It makes us uncomfortable to be with children who are sad and angry.

Other people’s grief can remind us of our own painful experiences.

Our own painful experiences can help or hinder the way we help others.

Dealing with painful losses can take a long time.

Defining Loss• Losses generally fall

into two categories:• Those that are an

expected part of the human life experience.

• Those that are unexpected, that we hope won’t happen to us. Unexpected losses are often more painful because they are not seen as a normal part of the life course.

Resource familiesneed to understandfeelings and behaviorsassociated with loss.This is part of protectingand nurturing children,Meeting developmentalneeds, and addressingdevelopmental delays.

From Foster PRIDE/Adopt PRIDE PRIDEbook, session 4, page 10

Loss

Self-Esteem Significant Persons

Health

Shock/Denial

Bargaining

Anger

Acting Out Depression

Understanding

Coping

Managing Loss

Pathway Through the Grieving

Process

From Foster PRIDE/Adopt PRIDE PRIDEbook, session 4, page 4

Factors that Influence How Loss is Experienced

• The nature of the loss• The age at the time of each loss• The degree of attachment• The ability to understand why there was a

separation• The amount of emotional strength• Cultural influences• The circumstances causing the loss• The number of previous separations• The help given prior to, during, and after the

separation

It takes TIME to heal But try to understand what time means

to a child. “Think about the concept of time from a

child’s perspective. A baby screams when her parent leaves because she has no way of knowing that Mom will be right back. Second graders believe their birthday will never come because six weeks might as well be an eternity. Fifth graders should be able to read a calendar and understand time, but are not ready to make long term plans.” (Pride, 8-19)

Time Traveling—a way of helping time to heal

talking with the child about past experiences, helping the child to understand transitions and changes, taking pictures and recording the child’s life events while in your home, helping the child to obtain pictures or meaningful souvenirs, and respecting the child’s possessions.”

Time traveling is “using the present to deal with the past, to prepare for the future.”

Providing Parenting for the Child

The cornerstone of good parenting is parental warmth and acceptance.

This aspect of the parent-child relationship, more than any other, affects a child’s overall development as well as his/her moral development.

Children who feel rejected by their parents usually develop patterns of behaviors in response to their feelings of hurt and anger.

One important way that ACCEPTANCE is conveyed is through EMPATHY, that is, being understanding of the child’s feelings both positive and negative.

Essentials for positively impacting a child’s

development

Spend a significant amount of time with the child.

Keep up on the life situations your child is involved in.

Discuss parts of these situations with your child.

A dangerous trend…. “One of the observations which some moral

educators make is that, over the past few decades, parents have become less and less involved with children, spending less time together with fewer shared activities.

Instead family members often watch TV without talking in different rooms.

The trend has been for families to have hurried meals with little family discussion.

This overall trend of less time and interaction DECREASES the power of parents to influence their children and INCREASES the power of peers to influence.

DisciplineChildren need at least moderate

control for best development. The ideal formula is:

1. Offer clearly defined and enforced limits to children.

2. Offer the type of control that changes as the child matures and internalizes rules and values.

Discipline: A PerspectiveDiscipline: A Perspective

► The word discipline comes from the Latin The word discipline comes from the Latin root discere, which means to learn, and from root discere, which means to learn, and from the Latin word disciplus, which means pupil.the Latin word disciplus, which means pupil.

► A disciplinarian is, therefore, someone who A disciplinarian is, therefore, someone who teaches. A disciplined person is someone teaches. A disciplined person is someone who has learned.who has learned.

► Discipline is intended to help a child develop Discipline is intended to help a child develop self-controlself-control, , self-respectself-respect, , responsibilityresponsibility, and , and orderlinessorderliness. A disciplined person is one who . A disciplined person is one who has learned self-control, and who is has learned self-control, and who is governed by a system of rules governed by a system of rules withinwithin himself himself or herself.or herself.

Discipline as Discipline as the Positive the Positive ApproachApproach

► Discipline is orderly, in that it helps Discipline is orderly, in that it helps children to deal with themselves and children to deal with themselves and others, and with society in a logical way. others, and with society in a logical way. Order has rules, with predictable Order has rules, with predictable consequences for breaking the rules.consequences for breaking the rules.

► Use techniques that focus on what you Use techniques that focus on what you want the child to do the next time the child want the child to do the next time the child finds himself or herself in a similar finds himself or herself in a similar situation.situation.

Discipline as Discipline as the Positive the Positive ApproachApproach

► Successful discipline protects and Successful discipline protects and develops the child’s self-concept, beliefs develops the child’s self-concept, beliefs the child has about being worthy and the child has about being worthy and capable. A healthy self-concept produces capable. A healthy self-concept produces a child who is self-disciplining.a child who is self-disciplining.

► Discipline is NOT just something we do in Discipline is NOT just something we do in response to an unacceptable behavior or response to an unacceptable behavior or situation. Discipline is preventive and situation. Discipline is preventive and future-oriented. Discipline helps children future-oriented. Discipline helps children redirect an unacceptable impulse, so their redirect an unacceptable impulse, so their behavior will be appropriate.behavior will be appropriate.

Discipline in context: Children should be encouraged to use

self-control, judgment, and problem-solving skills as much as possible.

Even when external controls need to be used to shape a child’s behavior, explanation, instruction, reasoning, empathy, and efforts to encourage the child’s moral thinking are needed.

Timing for this type of discussion is everything. It is suggested that consequences not be given during this time or in the heat of the moment.

Goals of Effective Discipline

1. Protecting and nurturing children’s physical and psychological well-being;

2. Advancing children’s development;3. Meeting children’s needs;4. Teaching ways to prevent and solve

problems;5. Maintaining and building the parent-

child relationship;6. Helping children develop self-control

and responsibility; and….7. Producing the desired behavior.

Response to DisciplineResponse to Discipline

““Studies of adolescents indicate Studies of adolescents indicate that the child’s response to that the child’s response to parents’ directions depends on parents’ directions depends on the reason they think the the reason they think the direction is given. If they feel the direction is given. If they feel the parents’ actions are based on parents’ actions are based on concern for the child’s happiness, concern for the child’s happiness, the discipline is accepted more the discipline is accepted more than if it is seen as personal, than if it is seen as personal, forceful, or abusive.” forceful, or abusive.”

(Foster Pride)(Foster Pride)

Using Behavioral Using Behavioral ContractsContracts

► The child participates in The child participates in discussing what are fair discussing what are fair expectations.expectations.

► The child participates in The child participates in discussing what are fair discussing what are fair consequences.consequences.

► The rules are spelled out The rules are spelled out clearly and in writing.clearly and in writing.

► The privileges/rewards for The privileges/rewards for following the rules also are in following the rules also are in writing.writing.

RulesRules

► A good rule must be reasonable and A good rule must be reasonable and not so rigid that it creates resentment.not so rigid that it creates resentment.

► When rules interfere with warm When rules interfere with warm friendly relations and perpetuate friendly relations and perpetuate power struggles, they should be power struggles, they should be abandoned and new ones discussed.abandoned and new ones discussed.

Don’tsDon’ts of of Discipline Discipline

► Don’t make unnecessary rules or limits Don’t make unnecessary rules or limits which cannot be enforced.which cannot be enforced.

► Don’t expect your guest child to ‘know Don’t expect your guest child to ‘know better.’better.’

► Don’t take the misbehavior as a sign of Don’t take the misbehavior as a sign of your failure as a parent.your failure as a parent.

► Don’t just notice when the child breaks Don’t just notice when the child breaks the rule. To the child, negative attention the rule. To the child, negative attention is better than no attention at all. This is better than no attention at all. This needs to be reversed.needs to be reversed.

► Don’t have any unnecessary rules.Don’t have any unnecessary rules.

Effective Methods of Effective Methods of DisciplineDiscipline

► IgnoringIgnoring► Modeling desired Modeling desired

behaviorbehavior► Changing the Changing the

environmentenvironment► RulesRules► Time outTime out► Applying natural and Applying natural and

logical consequenceslogical consequences► Giving ‘I’ messagesGiving ‘I’ messages (e.g. (e.g.

“I get very worried when you’re “I get very worried when you’re late getting home” vs. “You are so late getting home” vs. “You are so inconsiderate and irresponsible.”)inconsiderate and irresponsible.”)

► ListeningListening► Asking questionsAsking questions► Providing Providing

encouragementencouragement► Allowing children Allowing children

to take risksto take risks► Restricting Restricting

activities to activities to specific places.specific places.

► Changing Changing activitiesactivities

► Anticipating situations that may Anticipating situations that may produce stress for childrenproduce stress for children

► Planning and structuring activitiesPlanning and structuring activities► Building children’s self-esteemBuilding children’s self-esteem► Teaching children how to solve Teaching children how to solve

problems on their own and with othersproblems on their own and with others► Teaching children how to Teaching children how to

communicate effectivelycommunicate effectively

Cultivating Effective Cultivating Effective DisciplineDiscipline

Nurturing DisciplineNurturing Discipline

► Stating expectations for behavior in Stating expectations for behavior in advanceadvance

► Giving children an opportunity to learn Giving children an opportunity to learn from their mistakes.from their mistakes.

► Praising desired behaviors.Praising desired behaviors.► Rewarding appropriate behaviorRewarding appropriate behavior► Preparing children ahead of time for any Preparing children ahead of time for any

changes in schedules or routines. changes in schedules or routines.► Encouraging children to set rules for Encouraging children to set rules for

themselves.themselves.

DisciplineDiscipline vs. vs. PunishmentPunishmentDiscipline:Discipline:

► Is something that parents instill in children.Is something that parents instill in children.► Can be used to prevent problems from happening.Can be used to prevent problems from happening.► Offers structure and guidance.Offers structure and guidance.► Teaches the right way to solve or prevent problems.Teaches the right way to solve or prevent problems.► Encourages children to be capable and responsible for Encourages children to be capable and responsible for

making decisions.making decisions.► Encourages the desired behavior.Encourages the desired behavior.► Is intended to protect and nurture children.Is intended to protect and nurture children.► May help children feel better about themselves as May help children feel better about themselves as

they grow confident of their ability to meet their needs they grow confident of their ability to meet their needs responsibly.responsibly.

► Encourages children to rely on their inner controls or Encourages children to rely on their inner controls or rules for conduct.rules for conduct.

► Promotes a cooperative, shared, positive relationship Promotes a cooperative, shared, positive relationship between children and adults.between children and adults.

► Is imposed on childrenIs imposed on children► Focuses on dealing with Focuses on dealing with

problems after their problems after their occurrence.occurrence.

► Places responsibility for Places responsibility for change with the person change with the person who has power to who has power to control the child’s control the child’s behavior.behavior.

► Imposes sanctions and Imposes sanctions and enforcement.enforcement.

► Although it might stop Although it might stop the wrong behavior, it the wrong behavior, it does not teach the right does not teach the right or expected behaviors.or expected behaviors.

DisciplineDiscipline vs. vs. PunishmentPunishmentPunishment:Punishment:

► Prevents children from learning Prevents children from learning to make their own decisions.to make their own decisions.

► May reinforce unacceptable May reinforce unacceptable behavior if misbehaving is the behavior if misbehaving is the only way to get parental only way to get parental attention.attention.

► Often uses, and may cause, Often uses, and may cause, emotional and physical pain.emotional and physical pain.

► May reinforce poor self-esteem, May reinforce poor self-esteem, especially if the punishment is especially if the punishment is demeaning.demeaning.

► Implies that responsible Implies that responsible behavior is expected only when behavior is expected only when authority figures are present.authority figures are present.

► Increases avoidance and fear.Increases avoidance and fear.

Considerations when appraising Considerations when appraising a child’s behaviora child’s behavior

► How How oldold is the child? is the child?► Is this behavior Is this behavior typicaltypical for that age child? for that age child?► Is the behavior Is the behavior newnew or an or an ongoingongoing problem? problem?► What has been tried in the past?What has been tried in the past?► Has this been successful or a failure? Why?Has this been successful or a failure? Why?► WhenWhen does this behavior occur? does this behavior occur?► Does it occur randomly or usually at the same Does it occur randomly or usually at the same

time of the day?time of the day?► Is this a high priority problem because it is Is this a high priority problem because it is

dangerous, destructive, or illegal, or is this a dangerous, destructive, or illegal, or is this a minor infraction but highly irritating?minor infraction but highly irritating?

► Why does this behavior Why does this behavior botherbother me? me?► Why might the child behave this way?Why might the child behave this way?

Always remember to react to the Always remember to react to the CONTEXT of a child’s behavior, NOT to CONTEXT of a child’s behavior, NOT to

the behavior itself.the behavior itself.It is important to keep in mind that when It is important to keep in mind that when

children express strong feelings and children express strong feelings and inappropriate behaviors, it may be because inappropriate behaviors, it may be because they:they:

Have learned these patterns in the past.Have learned these patterns in the past. Are developmentally delayed and react like a Are developmentally delayed and react like a

much younger child.much younger child. Have a developmental disability that limits Have a developmental disability that limits

their understanding or behavior.their understanding or behavior. Are grieving.Are grieving. Have real fears.Have real fears.

De-escalation Strategies and De-escalation Strategies and SkillsSkills

►Avoid a battle. This is not a question of Avoid a battle. This is not a question of the importance of authority. It involves the importance of authority. It involves a situation with a child who is out of a situation with a child who is out of control of his or her emotions and control of his or her emotions and behavior. Now is not the time to prove behavior. Now is not the time to prove who’s in charge.who’s in charge.

►Appear calm and controlled. When Appear calm and controlled. When children sense that a caregiver is out of children sense that a caregiver is out of control, this escalates their anxiety and control, this escalates their anxiety and thus their behavior.thus their behavior.

►Allow time and listen. Acknowledge the Allow time and listen. Acknowledge the anger. anger.

► Allow the child to have personal space. Do not Allow the child to have personal space. Do not move in quickly. Do not touch the child.move in quickly. Do not touch the child.

More De-escalation Strategies and More De-escalation Strategies and SkillsSkills

►Set limits calmly, firmly, and with an Set limits calmly, firmly, and with an expectation that the child will obey.expectation that the child will obey.

►Ask the child what would help him or Ask the child what would help him or her to feel better.her to feel better.

►When the child is yelling, try not to When the child is yelling, try not to yell over him or her. Wait.yell over him or her. Wait.

►Do not demand that the child make Do not demand that the child make eye contact. Do not maintain eye eye contact. Do not maintain eye contact for long periods of time.contact for long periods of time.

►Try to negotiate easy ways for the Try to negotiate easy ways for the child to save face.child to save face.

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In the following situations, you should In the following situations, you should request outside help immediately:request outside help immediately:

The child has exhibited suicidal The child has exhibited suicidal gestures or self mutilation.gestures or self mutilation.

The child damages property that puts The child damages property that puts himself, herself, or others in physical himself, herself, or others in physical danger.danger.

The child physically assaults others.The child physically assaults others. The child runs away from home.The child runs away from home.

Supporting Family Supporting Family RelationshipsRelationships

• Supporting family visits and Supporting family visits and contact (if permissible).contact (if permissible).

• Talking to the child about Talking to the child about his or her family.his or her family.

• Encouraging birth family Encouraging birth family participation in decision participation in decision making for the child (if making for the child (if possible and appropriate).possible and appropriate).

• Have the child draw Have the child draw pictures/create artwork for pictures/create artwork for the birth family.the birth family.

A schedule of A schedule of communication between communication between the Safe Family and the the Safe Family and the child’s parent(s) or child’s parent(s) or guardian should be guardian should be established as soon as established as soon as possible (e.g. at the possible (e.g. at the placement).placement).

Recognize and Recognize and respond sensitively to the respond sensitively to the parent’s struggle with parent’s struggle with their child being away their child being away from her/him and with from her/him and with you.you.

Interacting with Interacting with Parents/GuardiansParents/Guardians

Seek a specific time to Seek a specific time to talk every week. Keep the talk every week. Keep the parent updated on how parent updated on how their child is doing, etc. their child is doing, etc. Some of this time could be Some of this time could be used for the parent and used for the parent and child to communicate also. child to communicate also.

Parents may feel Parents may feel threatened, afraid of being threatened, afraid of being replaced or demeaned in replaced or demeaned in their child’s sight. This their child’s sight. This may result in power may result in power struggles and lack of struggles and lack of consideration for you.consideration for you.

Supporting Family Supporting Family RelationshipsRelationships

• If visits and contacts are allowed, If visits and contacts are allowed, determine some guidelines for how determine some guidelines for how this can happen without becoming this can happen without becoming unduly burdensome.unduly burdensome.

• For telephone contact: how often (with For telephone contact: how often (with you? with child?), how long, specific you? with child?), how long, specific times, exceptions or special occasions?times, exceptions or special occasions?

• For visits: same as above.For visits: same as above.• As a relationship develops, reassess As a relationship develops, reassess

occasionally.occasionally.

Ensuring that the possessions given to the Ensuring that the possessions given to the child by his or her family are respected.child by his or her family are respected.

Including the birth family in the child’s Including the birth family in the child’s prayers at bedtime.prayers at bedtime.

Reassuring the child that the birth family Reassuring the child that the birth family cares for him or her despite the difficulties cares for him or her despite the difficulties the family has had in meeting the child’s the family has had in meeting the child’s needs.needs.

Supporting Family Supporting Family ConnectionsConnections

Being courteous and respectful to the Being courteous and respectful to the birth family in front of the child.birth family in front of the child.

Not talking negatively about the birth Not talking negatively about the birth family in front of the child.family in front of the child.

Asking for the birth parents’ input or Asking for the birth parents’ input or assistance on a parenting issue (such as assistance on a parenting issue (such as what kinds of foods does the child eat? what kinds of foods does the child eat? What are the child’s favorite toys?...What are the child’s favorite toys?...

Supporting Family Supporting Family ConnectionsConnections

Help parents to regain the sense that they Help parents to regain the sense that they have rights and responsibilities in relation to have rights and responsibilities in relation to their children.their children.Listen to and respect them as parents.Listen to and respect them as parents.Encourage them to participate in Encourage them to participate in decisions that affect their children.decisions that affect their children.Credit them with the ability to learn and Credit them with the ability to learn and change.change.Recognize their skills and efforts to cope Recognize their skills and efforts to cope with difficult life circumstances.with difficult life circumstances.

Empowering the FamilyEmpowering the Family

Understanding the Parents’ SituationUnderstanding the Parents’ Situation::Understanding your role vs. the parents’ Understanding your role vs. the parents’ role.role.How different is your life path from their’s?How different is your life path from their’s?Needs and experience of the parent: Needs and experience of the parent: many feel overwhelmed and like a failure.many feel overwhelmed and like a failure.Two types of support: resolution of the Two types of support: resolution of the crisis situation and extended informal crisis situation and extended informal supports.supports.How do they see you? Help/Support or How do they see you? Help/Support or Threat/CompetitorThreat/Competitor

Partnering with Parents: Partnering with Parents: Developing a Mentoring Developing a Mentoring

RelationshipRelationship

Understanding the factors that may Understanding the factors that may influence their parentinginfluence their parenting::

PovertyPovertyUnemploymentUnemploymentLife stressLife stressDepression, mental health issuesDepression, mental health issuesDomestic ViolenceDomestic ViolenceOwn history of being parentOwn history of being parentOwn history of being parented Own history of being parented

(emotional/parenting deficits (emotional/parenting deficits experienced)experienced)

Developing a Mentoring Developing a Mentoring RelationshipRelationship

Characteristics and Skills of Characteristics and Skills of Effective Safe Families:Effective Safe Families:

CharacteristicsCharacteristics:: Non-Non-

judgmentaljudgmental EmpatheticEmpathetic Servant heartServant heart Generous Generous

SpiritSpirit

SkillsSkills:: Active listenerActive listener Positive and Positive and

Strength-Strength-basedbased

Problem Problem solving focussolving focus

Love for a Family Needing Love for a Family Needing HealingHealing

• Resolve to love the parent(s) as well as their Resolve to love the parent(s) as well as their child.child.

• Pray for the parent(s).Pray for the parent(s).• Recognize the parent(s) may have difficulty Recognize the parent(s) may have difficulty

trusting or receiving your love.trusting or receiving your love.• Respect the parent(s) choice to refuse your Respect the parent(s) choice to refuse your

love.love.• Surrender to God whatever transformation Surrender to God whatever transformation

you may think needs to take place in this you may think needs to take place in this family. family.

• Surrender expectations and outcomes to Surrender expectations and outcomes to God.God.

The Meaning of Visits and The Meaning of Visits and Family ContactsFamily Contacts

• To make a constructive return to the family, the To make a constructive return to the family, the child and family must have frequent, satisfying child and family must have frequent, satisfying visits, and the Safe Family and natural family visits, and the Safe Family and natural family must stay in touch through the placement must stay in touch through the placement period.period.

• To make that happen, it’s necessary to think To make that happen, it’s necessary to think about two things: what helps to make successful about two things: what helps to make successful visits and cooperative family contacts, and what visits and cooperative family contacts, and what obstacles are in the way.obstacles are in the way.

• In each visit, the child travels back to the In each visit, the child travels back to the natural family then back to the Safe Family. natural family then back to the Safe Family. He/she carried along the attitudes of the Safe He/she carried along the attitudes of the Safe Family toward the biological family as the visit Family toward the biological family as the visit takes place, and returns carrying attitudes from takes place, and returns carrying attitudes from the biological family toward the Safe Family.the biological family toward the Safe Family.

Successful visits of the Successful visits of the child with his or her birth child with his or her birth

parents:parents:

• Reinforce the child’s identity.Reinforce the child’s identity.• Help the child to know his or her Help the child to know his or her

parents are all right.parents are all right.• Demonstrate to the child that the Demonstrate to the child that the

parents care and love him or her.parents care and love him or her.• Give the child a sense of Give the child a sense of

hopefulness.hopefulness.• Help alleviate the child’s guilt and Help alleviate the child’s guilt and

reinforce family strengths and reinforce family strengths and competence.competence.

Goals for Visits:Goals for Visits:

• The child wants to know that: he/she is The child wants to know that: he/she is loved, the parents are alright, and loved, the parents are alright, and everyone is working toward everyone is working toward strengthening the family.strengthening the family.

• The family wants to know that: the child The family wants to know that: the child is being cared for, the child has not is being cared for, the child has not forgotten them, and that they are still forgotten them, and that they are still meaningful in the child’s life.meaningful in the child’s life.

• The Safe Family wants to: keep in touch The Safe Family wants to: keep in touch with changes in the family, better with changes in the family, better understand the child’s relationship with understand the child’s relationship with his/her family, and provide support.his/her family, and provide support.

Love: The Most Excellent Way for Love: The Most Excellent Way for Safe Families and for All!Safe Families and for All!

1 Corinthians 131 Corinthians 13

In my interactions with others including my In my interactions with others including my family and guest(s) will I be/have I been:family and guest(s) will I be/have I been:

PatientPatient (not pushy or hurried but calm)(not pushy or hurried but calm) KindKind (actively considerate, affirming, and (actively considerate, affirming, and

affectionate)affectionate)

Our gifts, knowledge, and accomplishments mean little without this kind of ________!

1.1.NotNot envious (hurt or resentful of envious (hurt or resentful of benefits/advantages of others) benefits/advantages of others)

2.2.NotNot boasting (trying to impress boasting (trying to impress others with my skills or others with my skills or accomplishments, or advantages)accomplishments, or advantages)

3.3.NotNot proud (putting myself above proud (putting myself above others rather than humble and others rather than humble and vulnerable to love without being vulnerable to love without being loved)loved)

4.4.NotNot rude (harsh, critical, abrasive, rude (harsh, critical, abrasive, uncaring, insensitive)uncaring, insensitive)

The The NOTSNOTS to Untangle (Things that to Untangle (Things that would keep me from being patient would keep me from being patient and kind):and kind):

5. 5. NotNot self-seeking (wanting or pushing for self-seeking (wanting or pushing for MY WAY!)MY WAY!)6. 6. NotNot easily angered (restraining reactions; easily angered (restraining reactions; recognizing and defusing my triggers)recognizing and defusing my triggers)7. 7. NotNot keeping a record of wrongs (releasing keeping a record of wrongs (releasing resentments, not bringing up past offenses in resentments, not bringing up past offenses in

thought, feeling or word)thought, feeling or word)8. 8. NotNot delighting in evil (brooding, nurturing delighting in evil (brooding, nurturing selfish, resentful thoughts)selfish, resentful thoughts)

The The NOTSNOTS to Untangle (Things that to Untangle (Things that would keep me from being patient would keep me from being patient and kind):and kind):

The ALWAYS’: The ALWAYS’: What Gives Love What Gives Love

ContinuityContinuity• AlwaysAlways protecting (vigilant against protecting (vigilant against

potential dangers emotionally, potential dangers emotionally, physically, and spiritually)physically, and spiritually)

• AlwaysAlways trusting (confidence and trusting (confidence and assurance in risk rather than assurance in risk rather than suspicion, fear and doubt)suspicion, fear and doubt)

• AlwaysAlways hoping (bright expectations hoping (bright expectations rather than giving in to rather than giving in to discouragement or disappointment)discouragement or disappointment)

• AlwaysAlways persevering (hanging in there persevering (hanging in there and not giving up when there is much and not giving up when there is much hardship and difficulty)hardship and difficulty)

Growing in LoveGrowing in Love

• How might God want to use the How might God want to use the experience of serving as a Safe experience of serving as a Safe Family to deepen and expand my Family to deepen and expand my capacity to love others?capacity to love others?

• What are the particular features of What are the particular features of love to which I need to give focus love to which I need to give focus and attention so that I can grow and attention so that I can grow and strengthen my ability to love?and strengthen my ability to love?

Love and DetachmentLove and Detachment

• Detaching from the child when Detaching from the child when they return to their they return to their parent/guardian can be painful.parent/guardian can be painful.

• Grief is natural and healthy.Grief is natural and healthy.

• Healthy love balances Healthy love balances involvement with separateness.involvement with separateness.

• Healthy love appreciates and Healthy love appreciates and accepts that what is best for accepts that what is best for someone we love may not feel someone we love may not feel the best to us.the best to us.

Review and ClosingReview and Closing Hospitality: Hospitality:

Opening our hearts Opening our hearts and our homesand our homes

Healing Grace for Healing Grace for Hurting FamiliesHurting Families

Providing Providing Parenting for the Parenting for the ChildChild

Supporting Family Supporting Family RelationshipsRelationships

The Love FactorThe Love Factor

Questions?Questions? Comments?Comments? Things I want to explore Things I want to explore

and think about some and think about some more…..?more…..?

Things I want to Things I want to implement implement immediately….?immediately….?

Evaluation and FeedbackEvaluation and Feedback Others who might be Others who might be

interested in serving as interested in serving as a Safe Family?a Safe Family?