ROCKABILLY GUY BUYS TOE SHOES

By

Jarred Hodgdon

Rockabilly Guy Buys Toe Shoes By Jarred Hodgdon

INT. SPORTING GOOD SHOP

JOHNNY (36), rockabilly guy in full regalia, struts up to

FRED, employee.

JOHNNY

Hey-a Mac, I’m in the market for a

tent.

FRED

I recommend this model over here.

Assembles itself in seconds with

the pull of a string! The latest

and greatest.

JOHNNY

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Cool yer jets

Daddy-O! If you can’t tell already.

(indicating his duds)

I live my life a certain way!

FRED

Of course sir,I see. You’re looking

for something more...traditional.

JOHNNY

I’m rockabilly! Hot rods, cool

chicks...vibrating on a hep

wavelength.

FRED

As is your right.

Fred points towards a dome tent.

FRED (CONT’D)

Here’s the classic tent. It would

suit you perfectly.

Johnny removes his sunglasses.

JOHNNY

If this isn’t some Buckminster

Fuller jive right here. I got young

kids, Joe. I’m trying to instill

classic American experiences upon

them. Camping, not the Epcot

Center.

Johnny slightly yanks on Fred’s collar, then smooths it out.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

JOHNNY (CONT’D)

Listen. Ya got something in army

green canvas? An A frame possibly?

FRED

I’m sorry. We don’t--perhaps on our

website.

JOHNNY

ARGH! A website he says...It’s

coming at me all sides. The

unrelenting succubus of progress!

Johnny musses his hair.

JOHNNY (CONT’D)

This pressure Mama, I CAN’T TAKE

IT!

Johnny fixes his hair.

JOHNNY (CONT’D)

I’m sorry, Jimmy. Alright. Tell ya

what. I’ll take the space tent,

what else ya got?

FRED

(clears throat)

We have these portable camp toilets

here, perfect for--

JOHNNY

A portable toilet?! Try gimme a

flippin shovel, my kids bury their

feces like Carl Perkins woulda

done!

FRED

How about lanterns?

Fred hols up a lantern.

JOHNNY

Now I played nice but we’re gonna

have to have some words Joey if you

keep showing me these futuristic

devices.

FRED

I’m fairly certain there were

lanterns in the fifties.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

JOHNNY

Get with it Buck. We have a fire.

That covers, light, heat and

cookin’.

FRED

I’m just trying to help--

JOHNNY

--Kicks then Frank. I’m doing a

hike. Razz my berries, whadda ya

got?

FRED

I can see you have some checkered

creepers on now. We can both agree,

not the best footwear for a hike.

Fred guides Johnny towards a shoe rack.

JOHNNY

I can do some Chucks, maybe some

boots. I don’t wanna reinvent the

wheel on my foot.

FRED

We may have something--

JOHNNY

--The fuck are these?!

Johnny picks up a pair of toe shoes.

FRED

Those are...toe shoes.

JOHNNY

Get outta town, toe shoes?! There’s

a defined, individual pocket for

each and every toe here. This ain’t

on the level.

FRED

They’re for real, and actually

quite beneficial. By conforming to

the contours of the human foot,

they ensure good posture and muscle

dexterity.

JOHNNY

Pump the brakes here Clyde! You try

and sell me on toe shoes and Imma

kick up gravel!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

FRED

That’s fine. I think we have

other--

JOHNNY

--I mean come on! I come in here

for a few simple, classic, camping

accouterments and Salesman Slim

wants to make me into a futuristic

cyborg!

FRED

I apologize, it’s really not

futurism, just modern design and--

JOHNNY

--You want me to try these on?!

Would that make you happy?

FRED

No, sir I--

Johnny rips off his shoes.

JOHNNY

--Here we go, tryin’ on the

astronaut shoes.

FRED

But I was actually going to

recommend boots to you.

Johnny slips on the toe shoes.

JOHNNY

Ooooh, Fred Flintstone and George

Jetson all in one.

Bounding to a display--

JOHNNY (CONT’D)

Why stop there?!

Johnny strips out of his cuffed jeans -- throws on neon

track pants.

JOHNNY (CONT’D)

(sarcastic)

Look at me! A modern man!

Running laps around Fred.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

JOHNNY

(sarcastic)

I feel alive!

FRED

Please sir, there’s no need--

Johnny begins panting from his outburst.

JOHNNY

Ya see what I’m operating on here?

You start given in to this neo

techno babbledy gock and there just

ain’t no stoppin’ it.

Johnny throws an arm around Fred. Pulls a Pall Mall out of

the pocket of his western shirt.

FRED

I’m sorry, you can’t smoke in here.

Fred snatches the cigarette--

JOHNNY

Whoa whoa whoa!

FRED

Here. Try this instead.

Fred hands Johnny a Blu E-Cigarette.

BLACKOUT