REVISION DECISIONS

By Jeff Anderson and Deborah Dean

Bomb: the Race to Build—and Steal—the World’s Most Dangerous Weapon by Steve Sheinkin, 2012

He had a few more minutes to destroy seventeen years of evidence. Still in pajamas, Harry Gold raced around his cluttered bedroom, pulling out desk drawers, tossing boxes out of the closet, and yanking books from the shelves. Everywhere he looked were incriminating papers—a plane ticket stub, a secret report, a letter from a fellow spy. Gold ripped the papers into shreds, carried two fistfuls to the bathroom, shoved them into the toilet, and flushed. Then he ran back to his bedroom, grabbed the rest of the pile, and stumbled on slippers down the stairs to the cellar, where he pushed the stuff to the bottom of an overflowing garbage can. The doorbell rang.

MAYBE…this was Sheinkin’s first draft?

He had only a few more precious minutes to quickly get rid of seventeen years of incriminating evidence.

D is for DELETEHe had only a few more precious minutes to quickly get rid of seventeen years of incriminating evidence.

D is for DELETEHarry Gold raced around his cluttered bedroom. He pulled out desk drawers. He tossed boxes out of the closet. He yanked books from the shelves.

D is for DELETEHarry Gold raced around his cluttered bedroom. He pulled out desk drawers. He tossed boxes out of the closet. He yanked books from the shelves.

D is for DELETEHarry Gold pulled out the desk drawers, tossed boxes out of the closet, and yanked books from the shelves.

D is for DELETEHarry Gold raced around his cluttered bedroom, pulling out desk drawers, tossing boxes out of the closet, and yanking books from the shelves.

D is for DELETE

Everywhere he looked there were incriminating papers. There was a plane ticket. There was a secret report. In addition there was a letter from a fellow spy.

One option…Everywhere he looked were incriminating papers—a plane ticket stub, a secret report, a letter from a fellow spy.

R is for REARRANGE WORDS AND CHUNKS

He took a few deep breaths and tried to slow his heartbeat. Then he opened the door and saw the men he expected. Standing on his doorstep were Scott Miller and Richard Brennan, who worked as agents for the FBI.

R is for REARRANGE WORDS AND CHUNKS

Trying to slow his heartbeat, he took a few deep breaths, then opened the door and saw the men he expected: Scott Miller and Richard Brennan, who worked as agents for the FBI.

R is for REARRANGE WORDS AND CHUNKS

Trying to slow his heartbeat, he took a few deep breaths, then opened the door and saw the men he expected: Scott Miller and Richard Brennan, who worked as agents for the FBI.

A is for ADD CONNECTORS• Connectors such as prepositions add interesting detail (He tossed boxes out of the closet).•Conjunctions, conjunctive adverbs, and other transitions will make writing flow.

F is for FORM NEW VERB ENDINGSBats flew across the sky in huge flocks.They crowded out the waning moon. Fortunately, the Milk by Neil Gaiman

F is for FORM NEW VERB ENDINGSBats flew across the sky in huge flocks, crowding out the waning moon.

Flying across the sky in huge flocks, bats crowded out the waning moon.

T is for TALK IT OUTIt was before dawn and still dark.It was August 26, 1929.A boy was in the back of a small house.It was in Torrance, California.The boy was twelve years old.He sat up in bed.He listened.

T is for TALK IT OUTThere was a sound.It was coming from outside.The sound was growing.It grew ever louder.

Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption

by Laura Hillenbrand, 2010

In the predawn darkness of August 26, 1929, in the back of a small house in Torrance, California, a twelve-year-old boy sat up in bed, listening. There was a sound coming from outside, growing ever louder.