Reviewing:

Evaluating an Essay Draft

and

Revising Verbose Sentences

For today:

• We’ll evaluate the organization and content of a sample 5-paragraph essay.

• We’ll also experiment with revising several sample sentences, to make them shorter and easier to read.

Sample Essay

• We’ll consider the following aspects of the sample essay: – Introduction– Thesis statement– Topic sentences– Paragraph development– Paragraph order

1. Since their beginning in 1896, the Olympic Games have been the gold standard of athletic prowess: Olympic competitors are the best in the world, and no trophy compares with an Olympic gold medal. Increasingly, however, the athletic competitions have been matched, if not overshadowed, by the fierce competitions between cities and nations vying to host the Games. So much money and prestige is at stake in the Olympics that the phenomenon has been given a name: the Olympic Effect. Principally an economic force capable of affecting the business climate of the host community for years before, during, and after the Games, the Olympic Effect can also exert a powerful influence on the environment and society of the host community.

Qa: Does the intro set the stage? Is there a strong thesis? Is the thesis itemized, so that the reader knows what to expect in the following discussion?

2. Preparations for the Games generally include vast investments not only in the stadiums, tracks, and other sports venues for the Games themselves, but also in local highways, hotels, and airports. Thousands of jobs are created and billions of dollars are spent: Australia spent $2.1 billion for the Sydney Games in 2000, and Greece at least $11 billion only four years later. Long-term effects are generally positive, as the Games tend to improve the international image of the host city; tourism experiences the greatest benefit, though few thorough studies have quantified this effect. On the other hand, during the event, the region hosting the Games may actually experience a drop in tourism and retail income, as people try to avoid the crowds, traffic, and price hikes they expect to find in the host city. Some Utah ski resort operators experienced a twenty to thirty percent drop in visitors during the Salt Lake City Games.

Qb: Is the topic sentence general enough to include all material discussed in the paragraph? If not, what should a better topic sentence say about the paragraph?

2. Preparations for the Games generally include vast investments not only in the stadiums, tracks, and other sports venues for the Games themselves, but also in local highways, hotels, and airports. Thousands of jobs are created and billions of dollars are spent: Australia spent $2.1 billion for the Sydney Games in 2000, and Greece at least $11 billion only four years later. Long-term effects are generally positive, as the Games tend to improve the international image of the host city; tourism experiences the greatest benefit, though few thorough studies have quantified this effect. On the other hand, during the event, the region hosting the Games may actually experience a drop in tourism and retail income, as people try to avoid the crowds, traffic, and price hikes they expect to find in the host city. Some Utah ski resort operators experienced a twenty to thirty percent drop in visitors during the Salt Lake City Games.

Qc: Why has the writer included the stat in the final sentence? (Statistics and facts should always have a clear purpose; otherwise, they're distractions or just pure filler.)

3. Social aspects of the Olympic Effect are varied, and include an improved global perception of the host city and a growth in civic pride. There is also sharp growth in public interest in those sports highlighted during a recent Games. In the United States, this can best be seen in the ice sports. The figure-skating drama between Nancy Kerrigan and Tanya Harding in 1994 played a part in piquing this interest, and so did the gold medal of Tara Lipinski in 1998; American successes in speed skating and hockey can be added. The result has been a fifty-percent increase in the number of ice arenas in the United States in the last fifteen years. Dallas, Texas built eight between 2000 and 2002 alone. Related sports such as speed skating, hockey, and even curling have seen a tremendous growth in interest—even Southern cities like Tampa Bay, Florida and Atlanta, Georgia now have hockey teams.

Qd: Does the discussion in Paragraph 3 follow well from the topic sentence? Or is the actual discussion much narrower?

• 4. The environmental repercussions of the Olympic Effect are also mixed. On the one hand, since the Sydney Games (the "Green Games"), participating communities have had active recycling programs, emphasized renewable energy sources, and built or extended mass transit systems, like Salt Lake City's 21-kilometer TRAX light rail system. Some, like Sydney and Beijing (2008) have made notable efforts to clean up their municipal environments. Sydney actually built most of its Olympic venue over a reclaimed toxic waste dump that had once blighted the city. To clear its polluted air, Beijing has converted much of its energy production from coal to natural gas, and implemented new smokestack and vehicle emissions guidelines. Medical researchers estimate that the benefit to Beijing residents' health will amount to many billions of dollars over the coming decades. On the other hand, the Games themselves result in great consumption of fossil fuels and strain on waste-disposal systems. The Winter Games in particular are often accompanied by accelerated human development of important wildlife habitat.

Qe: Does the discussion so far match the forecasting made by the itemized thesis statement? (Here it is again: “Principally an economic force capable of affecting the business climate of the host community for years before, during, and after the Games, the Olympic Effect can also exert a powerful influence on the environment and society of the host community.”)

5. When the Olympic Games were first held in 1896, they were conceived as a celebration of the human body, and of the human spirit. This has not changed. But now the Games are something more: they profoundly shape the lives of people who never set foot inside the arenas themselves. They are the paramount international pageant, turning the spotlight on cities, nations, and people, prompting them to find the best in themselves and hold it up for all to see. That is the true Olympic effect.

Qf. What do you think of this conclusion? Does it do what you normally expect a conclusion to do: summarize the main points of the essay or rephrase the thesis statement? Or does this example do something else? Is this strategy effective?

Sentence revision

• Sometimes our sentences can be a little too complex and verbose (wordy).

• By removing or reorganizing certain words, we can make these sentences more compact, and easier to read.

Example 1

Is this example a little too wordy? Can we shrink it by a third (to 12 words)? Remember not to change the meaning!

In the last decade, the world of personal computers and the Internet was brought into our living rooms.

Example 1

In the last decade, the world of personal computers and the Internet was brought into our living rooms.

Better:

The last decade brought personal computers and the Internet into our living rooms.

Example 2

What about this example? Can we take out a third of it or so?

The first step in the police investigation is to interview the parents and children in the household to establish an idea of what happened.

Example 2

The first step in the police investigation is to interview the parents and children in the household to establish an idea of what happened.

Better:

First, the police interview the parents and children to learn what happened.

Example 3

How about this example? Lots of room for chopping here.

Even people who cannot agree on whether death by execution is the best form of punishment should be able to see that if there is even a slight chance of an innocent person losing his or her life, death should not even be an option.

Example 3

Even people who cannot agree on whether death by execution is the best form of punishment should be able to see that if there is even a slight chance of an innocent person losing his or her life, death should not even be an option.

Better:

Even when people don’t agree about capital punishment, they should see that execution is not an option if the condemned person might be innocent.