Resolving Interpersonal Resolving Interpersonal ConflictConflict

Conflict—Conflict—an expressed struggle an expressed struggle between at least two people who between at least two people who perceive the situation differently perceive the situation differently

and are experiencing interference and are experiencing interference from the other person in achieving from the other person in achieving

their goals.their goals.

Causes of ConflictCauses of Conflict

Control over resourcesControl over resources Preferences and NuisancesPreferences and Nuisances ValuesValues BeliefsBeliefs GoalsGoals The nature of the relationship The nature of the relationship

between the partnersbetween the partners

Positive Effects of ConflictPositive Effects of Conflict

Promotes Growth in an RelationshipPromotes Growth in an Relationship Allows for Healthy Release of Allows for Healthy Release of

FeelingsFeelings Increases Motivation and Self-EsteemIncreases Motivation and Self-Esteem

Negative Effects of ConflictNegative Effects of Conflict

The Manner in Which We Approach The Manner in Which We Approach Interpersonal ConflictInterpersonal Conflict

Larger Problems and Deeper Larger Problems and Deeper Personal Resentments May OccurPersonal Resentments May Occur

In ConflictIn Conflict

Conflict involves Self (my feelings), Conflict involves Self (my feelings), Other Person (his/her feelings) and Other Person (his/her feelings) and the Issue (what the conflict is about)the Issue (what the conflict is about) The Placater—takes the self out of the The Placater—takes the self out of the

conflict to please the otherconflict to please the other The Blamer—takes the other out of the The Blamer—takes the other out of the

conflict to find blame or faultconflict to find blame or fault The Computer—takes both self and other The Computer—takes both self and other

out of conflict and only focuses on factsout of conflict and only focuses on facts The Distracter—avoids self, other and The Distracter—avoids self, other and

issueissue

Dealing with the Emotional Dealing with the Emotional Dimension of ConflictDimension of Conflict

First and foremost, remember that the First and foremost, remember that the emotions have priority over any issueemotions have priority over any issue

Treat the other person with respect Treat the other person with respect (facial expressions, empathic (facial expressions, empathic listening, tone of voice, words and listening, tone of voice, words and emphasis)emphasis)

Listen until you experience the other Listen until you experience the other side (remember our empathic side (remember our empathic listening exercise?)listening exercise?)

State your views, needs and feelings State your views, needs and feelings clearly and conciselyclearly and concisely

Conflict Management StylesConflict Management Styles

PassivePassive AggressiveAggressive Passive-aggressivePassive-aggressive AssertiveAssertive

Passive StylePassive Style

Responds to conflict by avoidanceResponds to conflict by avoidance Communication does not appreciate one’s Communication does not appreciate one’s

own feelings or thoughts (and is, own feelings or thoughts (and is, therefore, dishonest)therefore, dishonest)

Has a belief that we should never make Has a belief that we should never make anyone uncomfortable or displeasedanyone uncomfortable or displeased

Avoids rejectionAvoids rejection Stores up anger and resentmentStores up anger and resentment When neither the goal nor the relationship When neither the goal nor the relationship

is very important, this may be a good style is very important, this may be a good style to employto employ

Aggressive StyleAggressive Style Responds to conflict by a fight and dominationResponds to conflict by a fight and domination Go on verbal attack (“the best defense is a Go on verbal attack (“the best defense is a

good offense”)good offense”) Characterized by loud, abusive, rude and Characterized by loud, abusive, rude and

sarcastic behaviorssarcastic behaviors Believes that I have to put others down in Believes that I have to put others down in

order to protect myselforder to protect myself Aggressive people appear to be in controlAggressive people appear to be in control Others tend to avoid aggressive people Others tend to avoid aggressive people

because of the effects of humiliation, because of the effects of humiliation, resentment, etc.resentment, etc.

When the goal is important and the When the goal is important and the relationship is considerably less important, this relationship is considerably less important, this may be usefulmay be useful

Passive-AggressivePassive-Aggressive

Appears passive and agreeableAppears passive and agreeable Uses subtle, underhanded aggression Uses subtle, underhanded aggression

or “behind the back” behaviorsor “behind the back” behaviors Sarcasm is one of the ways that the Sarcasm is one of the ways that the

aggression plays out—if I can appear aggression plays out—if I can appear as if I’m “just having fun” and yet, as if I’m “just having fun” and yet, make you feel put down, I win.make you feel put down, I win.

AssertiveAssertive Responds to conflict by using cooperative Responds to conflict by using cooperative

problem solvingproblem solving Presents one’s honest feelings and thoughts Presents one’s honest feelings and thoughts

and appreciates the honest feelings and and appreciates the honest feelings and thoughts of othersthoughts of others

Recognizes that both parties may “be right” Recognizes that both parties may “be right” and “win”and “win”

I respect myself and have equal respect for I respect myself and have equal respect for others—I’m myself and you can be yourselfothers—I’m myself and you can be yourself

You can exercise your freedom without guiltYou can exercise your freedom without guilt Leads to more open, honest and direct Leads to more open, honest and direct

communicationcommunication

Learning to be AssertiveLearning to be Assertive

Basic Assertion—learning to stand up Basic Assertion—learning to stand up for your rights or express your for your rights or express your feelingsfeelings

Learning to express positive feelingsLearning to express positive feelings—learning to give compliments—learning to give compliments

Learning to be assertive when people Learning to be assertive when people fail to respond to your requestfail to respond to your request

Learning to use the “I” messageLearning to use the “I” message

““I” MessagesI” Messages

Contains four parts:Contains four parts: An objective, nonjudgmental description An objective, nonjudgmental description

of the person’s behavior in specific of the person’s behavior in specific termsterms

How I feel about thisHow I feel about this The concrete effects on meThe concrete effects on me A request and an invitation to respondA request and an invitation to respond

Delivering “I” MessagesDelivering “I” Messages

Write and practice your message Write and practice your message before delivering itbefore delivering it

Develop assertive body language Develop assertive body language with your “I” messagewith your “I” message

Don’t be sidetracked by the Don’t be sidetracked by the defensiveness or manipulation of defensiveness or manipulation of othersothers

Albert EinsteinAlbert Einstein

““Peace cannot be Peace cannot be kept by force. It kept by force. It

can only be can only be achieved by achieved by

understanding.”understanding.”

Saying “No”Saying “No”

Start small—practice saying “no” when there is Start small—practice saying “no” when there is little at stakelittle at stake

Keep it simple—you do not have to offer long Keep it simple—you do not have to offer long explanations as to “why” you are saying noexplanations as to “why” you are saying no

Buy time—give yourself some distance between Buy time—give yourself some distance between the invitation/request and your responsethe invitation/request and your response

Remain generous—place another invitation or Remain generous—place another invitation or offer within the nooffer within the no

Understand your “Yes”—knowing what you Understand your “Yes”—knowing what you want to say “yes” to will make the “no” easierwant to say “yes” to will make the “no” easier

Culture and Conflict ManagementCulture and Conflict Management

High-Context Cultures—value self-restraint, High-Context Cultures—value self-restraint, avoid confrontation, rely heavily on non-avoid confrontation, rely heavily on non-verbals—preserving the face of the other verbals—preserving the face of the other person is the goal (Japanese, Chinese, person is the goal (Japanese, Chinese, Asian and Latin American cultures)Asian and Latin American cultures)

Low-Context Cultures—use more explicit Low-Context Cultures—use more explicit language, more direct meanings, stress language, more direct meanings, stress goals and outcomes over relationships goals and outcomes over relationships (German, Swedish, American and English (German, Swedish, American and English cultures)cultures)

Methods of Conflict ResolutionMethods of Conflict Resolution

Win-Lose—one person gets his or her Win-Lose—one person gets his or her way and the other does notway and the other does not

Lose-Lose—neither person gets his or Lose-Lose—neither person gets his or her wayher way

Win-Win—both win because the Win-Win—both win because the solution must be acceptable to bothsolution must be acceptable to both

Steps for Win-Win Conflict Steps for Win-Win Conflict ResolutionResolution

Define the problem in terms of needs, not Define the problem in terms of needs, not solutionssolutions

Share your problem and unmet needsShare your problem and unmet needs Listen to the other person’s needsListen to the other person’s needs Brainstorm possible solutionsBrainstorm possible solutions Evaluate the possible solutions and choose Evaluate the possible solutions and choose

the best onethe best one Implement the solutionImplement the solution Evaluate the solution at a later dateEvaluate the solution at a later date

When Conflicts Cannot be When Conflicts Cannot be ResolvedResolved

Differences in Basic Beliefs, Values, Differences in Basic Beliefs, Values, and Past Issuesand Past Issues

Struggles Where there is No SolutionStruggles Where there is No Solution Situations Out of Our ControlSituations Out of Our Control When Things Have to Be a Certain When Things Have to Be a Certain

WayWay