ReD-1-humor

2The Red IssueHumor

From The DeskWe’re back, and we’re better, happier and this time it’s Code Red. You’re probably reading this in the new website and probably peed your pants a little when you saw it. In other news, we have delusions of superiority.

But all witticisms aside, the last month has been great. We were greatly overwhelmed by your support and with every sugges-tion, complaint, and compliment, we listened and grew. You said that we should make a better website, and we did. Make more sections, done. Break it up for ease of reading, check. Find more writers, yes. And the changes aren’t for this issue alone; you can tell us anything about any of our issues, and we’ll change. Don’t like the colours? Want a new section? Want to write? Mail it in! We’re always open, in more ways than one.A few of the new additions are:

1. Movies of the month: Movies are something we all love, old or new. There as some movies that you absolutely have to see, and we try our best to chronicle these. So every month we give you two priceless movies, one of them released sometime in the pre-vious month, and one vintage movie, a classic that has shaped the film industry as we know it.

2. Epibattle: Two giants of an industry fight it out in an epic write up. People are often troubled by choices. We offer a solution by pitting them against one another. Enjoyed Pokémon battles? We give you better, and this time, you choose the winner.

3. Columns: Our most regular writers get their permanent spots, where they express themselves however they want to. Stay with us long enough and your name could be here too.

3The Red Issue Humor

A Saahil Dama, Ishan Dabri, Krushna Dande production.

4. Top 10 Cartoon Network shows: Everyone loves cartoons. We love them too. Not the new fangled crap, though. High quality classics guaranteed. This time we bring you our top ten cartoons list which will melt your heart and remind you of your childhood days.

And of course, many of our previous sections are back too. We bring you humour to have you in guffaws, poetry to touch your heart and one our favourites, Epigram Salutes, in which we go down on a knee and show our appreciation towards some events, people, books and bands that have altered the world for good.There have been changes and we hope that the transition has been for good. We are pretty sure about it.

If there is anything you don’t like or like, let us know. We appreci-ate criticism. ‘This needs to be changed,’ is like Beethoven’s sym-phony number nine to us. Flattery is welcome too, because it’s always good to hear.That’ll be it for now. See you again in a month.

Love you all.Cheers!

Epigram Magazine™Live. Laugh. Love


1. Aunties, Platforms And Us - Sushrut Munje

2. iCorrupt - Rakesh Guha

3. Facebooked - Nikhil Mane

Content


6The Red IssueHumor

I had once rightly stated that the most irritating creatures on railway platforms are females.Even females around me had agreed. Such nobles. But then, I was just 16. I had just started using subur-ban trains in Mum-bai. I was yet to see a highly gifted sub-class of females on the not-so-but-very crowded railway stations. Big, fat Aunties with all their slow, sweaty, stinky charisma.

I'm stereotyping this species. Lack of an ability to speak softly. As a result - they tend to yell till your eardrums burst.Lack of an ability to think clearly. As a result - they tend to not think at all.Lack of an ability to walk fast. As a result- they waddle like preg-nant ducks. I am often kept worried that they will lose their balance and fall just because of their sheer speed of waddling.

They love to:Glare - We'll get back to finer details of this highly entertaining characteristic. Just keep in mind that they love to glare at every-one and everything.

Argue/Fight/Make their displeasure known - Take it as you see it. According to me, this specific characteristic is a right (or wrong) pain in the ass.

Aunties, Platforms And Us


Bitch - Avoid standing anywhere near the partition of the ladies-gents compartment unless you want to hear a thousand and eight stories about a hundred and sixty three Aunties and their lives.

Be a juggernaught - Remember blokes-who-value-their-lives, never stand between an Aunty and her destination. When Aunty wants to go somewhere and the time on her fat wrist is less, there is NO stopping her! She will push/trample/elbow/knee/head-bang her way towards it! So what if there's a crowd of men before her?! It is their ruddy fault they exist to push against!

Be a Roadblock - We are not allowed to be a juggernaught. Be-cause then we would be 'allegedly' sexually assaulting a thorough-ly non-sexually attractive Aunty, for all we know. Anyway, when the train's coming, all the roads through the female crowd are blocked by Aunties. And they glare at us for asking them to move because men are expected to be chivalrous, and Aunties are females after all. Apparently.

Maintaining Sanctity - They somehow make up their mind of keep-ing in check the number of ladies in their compartment and refuse point-blank to accept any more. Even if they have to lie flat on their pot belly to cover three seats, they will do it.

Food for thought. As I had once wisely said and don't hesitate to repeat it whenever needed-Men push inside a crowded compartment, Women push outside.Now who's behind the strategy?Yes! Aunties!

So let us glare at the nearest Math textbook we've got and get a feel of how it feels to be an Aunty. This specimen of womankind glares whenever it is pissed off, to make matters clear. Now, toss, haggle, push, tear, and eat the book. You have reached Aunty-hood.

8The Red IssueHumor

Glaring is actually harmless for the subjects, so for entertaining results, let us see ways of pissing an Aunty off while on a Railway platform:

Glare at them. This is a trigger and instantly works. For better re-sults, make a deep frown and glare AROUND you. In that way, more Aunties glare back. The deeper their frown, the deeper is their pleasure. Works better if you're wearing black, have longish hair and sport a metal-head beard.

Have a girl? Hold her hand, hug her, stand close to her, talk to her or just have her with you. If you're around 18-19 years old, it is enough to piss off a genuine Aunty and voila! Just the fact of hav-ing a girl has an Aunty glaring at the two of you.

Walking at a good pace and using a cellphone/mp3 player at the same time makes an Aunty feel insecure about the safety of her non-manicured toenails, and for no comprehensible reason. She thinks we have nothing better to do but to step on her toes and spoil our shoes. So she glares with a desperate hope of warding us off from her feet.

Wear 'goggles' simply because it is not encouraged. An Aunty feels unsure of where exactly we are looking and that prompts her to make quick glances at your dark glasses. Like, look at the Aunty instead of the cute chick beside her. Just to savour the Aunty’s be-wilderment.

You. The very fact that you exist is enough for an already-pissed-off Aunty to glare at you. A thousand bonus points plus one ‘hate you’ label.

These aunties find jobs as Government employees, irritating pro-fessors, in banks, other clerical jobs, kitty-parties, homemakers (ironical) and How-To-Be-An-Awesome-Aunty institutes. Yes dear folks, they need to make sure that the coming generation comes up with Aunties too.


Someday all the Aunties of the world will come together and the world will bear witness to an apocalypse.

And yeah, nothing can ward off Aunties from platforms. It is their home ground, a place where budding Aunty interns learn from vet-eran Aunties.

Aunties are here to stay.Learn to live with them. How? Stop giving a ruddy damn.

- Sushrut Munje


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Criminal minds believe in one rule - stealing is an art as long as you don’t get caught. That implies to school kids too who cheat their way through good results in exams.

Men will be men, and people will be people. So when one corrupt politician goes another, they comes to the team up an decide to suck on some more of common wealth.Now, I just said common wealth, didn’t I? Well, it is because men like Suresh Kalmadi, use all the common man’s wealth for a thou-sand rupees worth of toilet paper rolls.

Did I add golden?

iCorrupt - India Corrupt


Men like Kalmadi are icons on how to use expensive things, since his milk comes from China or wherever. India never had this much amount of money to spend in the Commonwealth. But Indian politi-cians simply weren’t going to let go of this opportunity to make it an officially corrupt Commonwealth Games. Even Wikipedia has corruption charges in their official page for the 2010 CWG.

Now, if someone uses thousands of rupees for toilet paper in a games village, then it must be one hell of a village, or one hell of poop. We boast of neither. The poor condition of the games village was only an example of the conditions that Indian athletes train and live in. The only good it did was provide us with an excuse for not playing good enough, since we don’t have the infrastructure or money, you see. But you cannot blame Kalmadi for that, no sir! He just wanted the visitors to feel the essence of India. And he does deserve all due credit for it.

Welcome, 2G. Do you know how many zeros are there in 1.76 lakh crore rupees? I am weak at math, but A.Raja must have been very good at it to launder an amount that big. If I never meet Abhishek Bachhan, I’d like to ask him one thing - how much did Idea pay for the 2G spectrum license? I often imagine him giving the answer – no Idea. And then with a nonchalant grin on my face I would say – then get Idea.

I’m the so phunny


Well, big boys will be big boys, but the small fishes that swim in the ocean also deserve an honourable mention. The local traffic police, government servants, municipal officers, the list doesn’t have an end.

Bribery and corruption are also an art, and this art involves high levels of intelligence and risks. Treaties run within Indian blood and when you look at history, even our independence was condi-tional, a treaty, an adjustment for better standards of living. From that moment on we have been adjusting to circumstances. Be it under-wears, seats in local trains or long traffic jams, we will ad-just. Eventually, we will also adjust to corruption, after all, it is set-tlement which is the quickest process to avoid harassment.

With the government in hand, big boys like A.Raja and Kalmadi bhai have raised the bar for corruption in India. It has become a billion dollar industry. I only wish they had more of a Mafia look which would help us identify the villain industrialists of the nation also and provide them with some much needed charisma.

And no, sipping Tata Tea would not help you get corruption off In-dia if that is what you are thinking. Why would anyone think about getting corruption off India? It is the industry our country is being built upon. Give peace a chance and the mango people will digest the whole thing in a decade or so. Till then, relax, and have the Tata Tea because that is, after all, getting cold.

- Rakesh Guha



More than just a social network, Facebook has become a breeding ground for people who could be rightly declared by sanity as out of bounds. And when we delve into its murky depths do we come face to face with some of these people and even the sight of their profile pictures make us regret being alive.

1. The Pretty or “I am turning to look back” kind:It is supposed to look hot and it kind of does. Sometimes. Not always. But it is mostly used to hide that bulging wad of fat that makes your neck resemble that of a cow.

Hawt *drools*

2. The Crop or “The rest of this photo is not interesting” kind:We get it. You ‘wuv’ yourself. But is there a reason why there is a half-eaten sandwich peeking into the picture? OR why does it look

Facebooked


like that girl might just stab you in the unmentionables? AND why – oh, why do you not wear pants?We would like some answers.

We missed something

3. The Activity or “Imma be busy” kind:

Suck on it, Beethoven!

People do stuff. All. The. Time. Just because you were near a piano once in your waking life, you may not take a picture posing as a maestro. I repeat. May Not. There is not a single molehill you have conquered. There is no reason to list standing proud on a park bench as a visual achievement.Unless if you are dressed as Benjamin Franklin.


4. The Artsy or “…” kind:We have no idea how to classify this. It is how it is. Guy with guitar but only guitar and fingers visible. Guy with paintbrush but no sign of any colourful mishaps. Photographs that are so abstract that they are copyrighted on Flickr.At least, try removing the ‘thinkstock’ watermark!

‘I’m Hendrix, bitch.’

5. The Relationship or “Grow up, kid” kind:We get it. You have a girlfriend and/or boyfriend. No need to rub it in our faces with saliva. Public decency is the latest cas-ualty in the long standing assault on good manners.What happened to class?

V for ... Vhat the hell?!


6. The Baby or “I was cute as a kid” kind:A close up that shows a cute little nose. An ear here, an eye there and the whole world is going goo-goo gah-gah. Gaaaaah. To these folk, all we say is – “Weren’t we all?”

My precioussss

Honourable mention-The Bathroom mirror or “Me so hot” kind.

The Stalker or “Why does your profile page look like Steven Tyler of Aerosmith?” kind

The Random or “This is not my dog. This is his ball” kind.

- Nikhil Mane


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