REAL SELF VS IDEAL SELF

Your real self is what you are. Your attributes, your characteristics and your personality.  It contains your negatives and your positives. It has come about through years of accumulating experiences and gloss. You could be happy-go-lucky, anxiety prone, accident prone, always willing to help others, selfish, self-centered and/or unable to say no.  Everybody knows this real you, you too will be aware of your real you.

The ideal you is when you feel you should be like this, that is I should be honest, I should be helpful, etc. This is because of societal and parental influences. Sometimes we see our role models, and try to emulate them. As long as we try and succeed, it will be fine, and even if we try, and not succeed, but it is fine with us, that too is fine. But when we do not succeed, and we feel so bad we hate ourselves, then problems will arise. When we have a rigid ideal self, and are unable to reach it, then there will be neurosis.

Some people want to better their real self. They feel the real self has to match the ideal self. This happens when such people do not have a tolerant view of the world. For them there is no flexibility and they look at things as either good or bad. There is both good and bad in the world, there can be failures as well as success, has to be accepted. Only then there is no tension or problem. But those who suffer from low self esteem, low self confidence, depression, etc, suffer from their two selfs not matching.

Everybody has an ideal self. You wish to reach the height of your career, profession, want to be like a particular role model or simply be a hero overnight. Have you not imagined coming University first while in college, or got a gold medal?  Don’t you dream of being on the victory podium receiving the gold medal in Olympics in your chosen field of sports?  Don’t you imagine becoming the CEO of a company, driving in a posh car and owning a penthouse?  That could be your …………

Now for many people, though they would love to achieve their ideal self, they are not too perturbed by not achieving their dreams. They accept that maybe it is not possible. And they accept what they are. Their real self is not in clash with their ideal self.

When you were a child, you would have been told honesty is the best policy, respect the elders, do not steal, etc. And you would have followed all these to the best of your ability. But if you are willing to tell a lie to protect your best friend, most probably you value your friendship more than the policy. Here you do not have any qualms about choosing your friend over your policy. And you accept your real self, though ideally you wish to follow your elders’ lessons.

But if you were to lie, for whatever good it were to do, and if you start feeling bad about it because it goes against your ideals, then you end up having problems. Sometimes our moral values tend to overcome our practical life. And we start hating our real self. When we stand on judgment and take a moral high ground, we are trying to reach our ideal self. But this will clash with our real self, because the ideal self could be placed on a lofty pedestal. 

As long as we know and accept our real self, or try to refine it as much as we can, it will not lead to any major issues. And we can have an ideal self, and sometimes fantasize about achieving it. As long as we are aware of these realities, we will be mentally healthy. But when we get consumed by our ideal image, we try to reach and maintain the ideal self, and we do not reach our ideal self, despair and depression won’t be far behind.

It is good to sometimes escape into the ideal self. It is also good to behave in an ideal manner sometimes. But one must not confuse the two. The ideal self is yearned for when the real self is hated. This state of affairs can lead to unhealthy minds and emotions.

Those who suffer from low self esteem, or self worth, feel they should think and behave in a particular   manner, but since they cannot, they feel they are not worth it. Or strict parents and societal norms could also lead to such feelings of low self worth. Too many controls, restrictions, interferences, norms, conditions, manipulations, insinuations, etc, will all lead to low self esteem. One will not be given the opportunity to learn and grow. This leads to the belief maybe one lacks in some area. The abilities are under question and one starts hating oneself.

A healthy mind accepts itself as it is. It does try to improve in all directions, but basically is aware of the negatives and positives. And any criticism, rejection is handled in a mature fashion. Though the ideal self is present, which is the ultimate goal and a motivator to perform, there is no clash between the real and the ideal self. As long as the real self means moving towards positive growth, it should be encouraged.