Rainbow Tai Chi Chi Kung School

April Intensive

“Death of the Ego”

Tim Elfring

30-04-2016

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Introduction

This report includes all the experiences that I have been through, together with all the

lessons and insights that I have learnt and gained during the one month April intensive. The

April intensive is part of the Foundation Taoist Tai Chi Chi Kung Training (FTT), which I am

currently following at the Rainbow Tai Chi Chi Kung School in Devon United Kingdom. In

this course, by applying the principles, we learn to balance ourselves in a Heart, Body, Mind

and Spirit way in order to become healthier and happier. Developing the different qualities

of the colors of the Rainbow will unleash your full potential and brings you back to the real

you; the best person you can be! I really feel this is such a great way to learn and grow

yourself, and I hope to take you with me on a journey by reading this report!

Summary

I have tried to write everything as clear as possible and to make the connecition between

the lessons we have learnt translated into personal day-to-day examples. It includes major

topics as death, fear, trust and forgiveness and it explains how we cover these topics at the

Rainbow Tai Chi Chi Kung School. It does not go into depth too much regarding the topics,

but you will get a good glimps of what we learn. Moreover, it describes how certain tools

can be applied in particular moments to deal with emotions. Furthermore, this report

includes different events that occured during the month, all linked to life lessons. Finally,

this report displays how I felt throughout the whole month and in certain moments.

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Table of contents

- Death

- Psychological death

- Unlearning

- The image-maker

- Group tutorials

- Mind

- Heart

- Body

- Spirit

- Blindfolding

- Jump

- Trust

- Qualitum leap

- Love “terrorists”

- Bombing Trago Mills

- Appreciating friends and family

- Letters and songs to the elements and organs

- Chi healing day

- Forgiveness

- Inner judge

- The art of forgiveness

- Night in the Valley

- Fear

- Sleeping in the Valley

- The River Dart

- Final sharing

- Conclusion

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Death

Psychological death

Death sounds very scary when you hear it. It is nearly always associated with sadness, pain

or grief. Death can be expressed in many ways. From the physical death of a loved one, to

the death of someone’s professional identity when he or she got fired from work.

If you look at nature, death is happening all the time; animals are born and die, plants grow

and die, but also the leafs of plants come and go. Even your own cells renew themselves

constantly. Death is so natural, yet we cannot accept it and have a fear of death, while you

already know inside that death is inevitable.

Even all memories you have are all dead moments of the past. The moment in itself has

died and all there is left, is an image that is left in your mind. Yet we tend to hold on to past

memories so much: “Remember that holiday in 2009?” or “I still remember that you stole

my barbie in fifth grade?” We hold onto memories to give us pleasure or pain, while

denying the present moment. While in fact that past moment is long gone and all you have

is this moment.

At primary school, high school or even at my University, I have never learnt about death.

Everyone dies, yet we do not receive any education about it, how to deal with it or how to

accept it. We basically don’t know anything about it. Moreover, by growing up we have

developed such a negative perception of death that it only creates suffer. A relationship

that is over, that has died? You suffer and cannot accept it. Afraid to lose your phone, afraid

to lose your job, afraid to lose your children. Fear of death influences our daily lives so

much and yet we have no idea how to be with that.

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Change your perception and see death as something natural and inevitable, rather than as

something negative and fearful. Accept it as it is. That does not mean that you cannot feel

sad when someone you love dies, however it means that you are peaceful with it on a

deeper layer and that you have accepted it, you do not fight it anymore. The old makes way

for the new. Just as the new job position you have taken that has replaced your old job, or

like summer going into winter, and then winter going into summer again. Learn to flow

with nature.

For me, in the beginning of this month and I can still feel it coming back as I feel that I have

not fully accepted it yet, is the death of certain old believes, role plays and self-

identifications. For example: I have graduated as a Master of Science in Business

Administration, where I have identified myself fully with. It feels as a part of me. However, I

had to let that go. In order for me to get back to the real Tim, I had to grow down first and

let the old die. Because who is Tim, beyond all the degrees? Beyond the looks and the

modeling career? Beyond everything that has been learnt to him and beyond all the beliefs

that are there? Beyond his intelligent mind? Who is the real Tim? I can only find that out by

letting all past believes, role plays and self-identifications go, to die, for the real Tim to

arise. That does not mean that I cannot apply the skills and knowledge anymore that I have

learnt, or that I forget all past experiences. It means that I do not identify myself with it

anymore and come back to me.

Unlearning

This topic very much relates to unlearning as well. When the month intensive started, I had

to unlearn so much (and still have to). Unlearn my old way of thinking, my old way of

perceiving things and old believes. Through conditioning, my perception and behaviour

have been influenced immensely. I have learnt at school to conform, to judge and to

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overdevelop my mind. There are so many things that are learnt which are also based on

society’s believes in this particular age of time.

For example, 200 years ago it was completely normal to have blacks as slaves when you

were white and rich. That has changed too, but it took a long time (and still some people

are racist) for the world to unlearn this old belief of inequality among races. In that time,

people did not know any better; they had been learnt that it was normal to have black

slaves. The example is a bit extreme, but it displays that you have to unlearn certain things

first and look at it from an open perspective rather than to blindly adopt everything that

you learn from society. So I had to look closely at my perception of the world, at patterns

that I have developed throughout my life and at my way of thinking, before I can develop

myself and grow. The old has to be unlearnt and die.

To feel death in practice, we went to the polytunnel, where tons of dead leaves from trees

and plants were laying on the ground. I closed my eyes and held a bunch of dead leaves,

touching them, feeling them and smelling them. Death was suddenly so physical and

tangible. It created a new awareness inside me; a sense of humbleness and gratefulness.

To really see that death on itself is okay and very natural indeed. These dead leaves helped

me to connect to different aspects of my life that needed to be unlearnt or die, what

actually felt as a relief. To die before your death and to accept death as it is and realize that

it happens constantly around us and that there is no need to hold on to the old, because

the old is long gone and makes place for the new.

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The image-maker

The image-maker or mind is basically a tool that you daily use to create images on your

head. A memory of the past or a projection of the future for example is always

accompanied with an image that you create. You also have an image of yourself or images

of others in your head. Moreover, we are constantly having these images in our head.

When I talk about a tree now, you have an image of a tree in your head, but often even

when you see a real tree outside, you still label it as a tree based on the picture you. How

often do we see a tree as it is, rather than recognizing it based on past experiences and

labelling it? Even when two persons are interacting, they nearly always interact with each

other based on the images they have of each other. For example: when I talk to a friend,

even face-to-face, I immediately have an image of him in my head; of the times we had, all

the jokes we made, or even the things he done that hurt me. Based on this image you have

of the other person, your behavior adapts and unconsciously you act according to the

image that you have of the other person. You do not see that person as he or she really is

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in that fresh new moment. That is how the image-maker controls our lives consistently, if

you are not aware of it.

Moreover, you always try to create an image that seems as good as possible towards the

outer world. Afraid to be judged by others, or afraid what other people might think of you.

This has played an enormous role in my life. I have always wanted to create the perfect

image of me shown to the world. Even when I had to lie to hold up that image. For

example, if my dad asks me to do something, which I had not done, I would lie about it to

hold up that image of me being a good guy. That’s where the saying: “fake it till you make it”

also comes from. I would feel really sad if I did not look good on a random day. If I did not

like the way I looked for example, it would influenced my whole mood of that day. I went 5

times a week to the gym, to create the perfect image and yet I felt never satisfied with the

way I looked. My whole identity was based on my model looks and beach boy body. I would

depend only on my looks and even felt superior to someone else who looked less good or

inadequate when I compared myself to someone who looked better. The image-maker got

me in his control totally. So many people don’t know that they experience this as well. For

example: how many girls that are watching Kim Kardashian on TV and see the images of

Kim’s life, want to be like her? Not feeling content with themselves at all, feeling unhappy

with themselves and want to live up to the image that is created in their head.

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Do not get me wrong, I do not see the image-maker as something negative. The image-

maker can be a wonderful tool to use when you have to plan certain things, remember

things, or create a vision out of fantasy. Visualization can be really powerful. However, if the

image maker controls your life and behavior and you are not aware of it, it can be a

horrible dictator, while in fact it can be a beautiful servant. So again, connecting to death; I

had to first of all become aware of the fact that I totally identified myself with the image

maker. Then, I was able to let go of this old image I had of me and let the image die and

take back control of it. Right now I notice that the image maker tries to take back control of

me. When I look into the mirror again and see a pimple or my hair does not look the way I

want it to look, I immediately feel it coming up again. What really helps me in those

moments, is to take a step back and observe the occurrence non-judgmentally. Every time I

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feel it’s happening again, I pause and let it be, then it loses its power and I don’t identify

myself with it and it does not influence my mood. I take back control.

Finally, last one thing I want to point out about the image-maker is that the image we have

of ourselves, differs so much to the image that the world has of us. I can think I look like

crap today, but another person may like it. Or I have an image of me being insecure, while

someone else may see me as very confident. I learnt this month to see myself as I am,

beyond all previous experiences and images I had of me. In Rainbow Tai Chi we call this: to

cognize. You can either recognize something based on past images or label it or cognize

something and seeing it in this very real moment, in the now, fresh and alive. I learnt to

cognize myself, but also to cognize other people, in order to see them as they truly are,

without me judging myself or other people based on the image. To see me and them as we

really are.

Group tutorials

During the group tutorials we had to form groups of 3-4 members and taking turns to ask

each other questions. The main objective of the tutorials was to describe how someone

was developed regarding each of the Heart Body Mind Spirit (HBMS) aspects of his or her

life. At the Rainbow Tai Chi Chi Kung School we learn to balance ourselves in a HBMS way.

The order of the four aspects is of importance, as we always start with the heart, then the

body, next to the mind and finally the spirit. So how someone is emotionally developed in

his or her life? Or what is the body language showing? How is the analytic ability? And what

about the spiritual aspect of one’s life? I know myself that I am very mentally and physically

oriented. I do physical activities regularly and feel often quite fit. I also know that I find it

challenging to open myself and share my feelings and emotions. Lastly, the connection to

the spiritual is quite thin yet. I do notice that I gradually start to feel the Chi (life force) more

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and more, but it is still in its early stages. This all was confirmed in similar ways by the

group. It was pointed out that I was very much in my mind all the time, depending on my

mind and therefore it felt almost as if I was acting most of the time and that it felt not

effortless to be with me.

It felt quite painful to hear the feedback and my immediate response was defensive and

justifying my behavior. I felt judged by the group and very alone at first. With the help of

Master Choy and the group I came to realization that I was actually “cornered” in order for

me to grow and develop myself. It was positive constructive feedback, however at first, I did

not want to hear it or accept it. It felt as if they were attacking me, while in fact they wanted

to help me. Later when I slowed down, I could let my self-defensive mechanism, my ego, go

and embrace the feedback and felt even grateful for it. I clearly felt and saw that they were

genuinely trying to help me progress.

Mind

Deeply inside I felt that what they were saying was true. I was indeed always trying be liked,

trying to stay in control of myself, trying to get attention and always analyzing. I depended

solely on my mind trying to get things in my favor, manipulating, lying and implementing

strategies. As a result, I could not be myself and only sporadically let the real Tim shimmer

through. Throughout my education I have only learnt to depend on my mind. I have trained

it and I have let it take control over me. I have learnt to make risk analysis and to create a

defensive mechanism called the ego. In fact, the mind, thinker, ego and image-maker are

one and the same. I have calculated situations, which would turn out to be the most

favorable for me. As I look back at it, it really was like acting, acting in a way to get the get

liked by others. Not that it is bad to want to get liked by others, everyone needs love and

appreciation. However, it was unnatural and mechanical how I did it. I planned what I

needed to do for people to like me, to get to love. It was not genuine. Of course this was

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not always the case, but I can definitely see what the group has pointed out. So I am

grateful that I have learnt to become aware of my patterns and behavior, so I can start to

develop myself.

Letting go of the (controlling) mind has been a big challenge for me throughout the month

and it still is. The mind is so cunning and can come back in at moments where you do not

expect it. Learning to control my mind instead letting it control me was and is beneficial for

my progress. The first step to achieve this for me is to just observe the mind as it is. When I

would sit and meditate for a while in a quiet place, I would just observe the thoughts

coming in. It was like an ongoing stream of thoughts. I started to create a distance or space

between me and my thoughts and letting them just be there, not judging them. Just like I

was sitting next to a river and saw all these tree branches flow by. Then, when I started to

focus on the pauses in between each thought, the pauses gradually began to become

longer. Suddenly, there were more and longer moments where I was not thinking at all. It

felt kind of like I was at the dinner table eating my food while the hood was still on; an

ongoing noise. Then, I put it off and suddenly there is this beautiful peace present.

However, 3 seconds later, the noise came back. I had to unlearn to use my mind all the

time and stop the constant energy sucking stream of thoughts. Practicing near a tree really

helped me to improve on that, because when I looked at the tree, it was as if the tree was

showing me how to be peaceful and still. I also notice that when I am not thinking all the

time and I do have to think, that my mind is much more focused and sharp. I can resolve

things easier and memorize things better.

Heart

We learn to start with the heart first. We practice heartbeat listing a lot. In a heartbeat

listening we go back to our heart and listen to the pauses in between the heartbeats. When

I started Rainbow Tai Chi Chi Kung, I could not even feel my heartbeat. Now, when I

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heartbeat listen, feelings can come up and I feel better connected to myself emotionally. I

feel much more open, sensitive and empathic. The heart was the first organ that was there

when you were in the uterus of your mother. Too much emphasis has been put unto the

brain as the most important organ. The brain creates separation, the heart promotes unity.

I saw a mother and young child once walking down the street, passing a homeless guy who

was begging for money and without one leg. The mother looked at it briefly and then

turned the other cheek, ignoring that guy. She did not feel anything, no compassion or

empathy. The small child looked at him and I saw her face changing. As if she was feeling

the suffering of that homeless guy. We are naturally, very caring, loving and empathic

beings. However, throughout conditioning and putting the mind first, we have created

separation between us and them; they are bad and we are good. Just watch the news, you’ll

see it all around everywhere. Everywhere is conflict. Where is the love?

When I said, we are naturally empathic, it can be scientifically confirmed. The heart

generates just as the brain a magnetic field around it. However, the one of the heart is 60

times greater and more powerful than the waves produced by the brain. We are destined

to live by the ways of the heart, but we live in our brains all of the time. The heart enables

us to be loving and loved. You can actually physically feel other people’s feelings. Another

recent study has shown that the heart actually has neuron cells similar to the brain. They

argue that you can actually think with your heart. The saying: “follow your heart” suddenly

makes a lot more sense.

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As the month went by, I started to focus more and more on the connection with my heart. I

started to feel more emotions and it felt so much more natural to just be. To be around

people or even on my own. I could feel my own emotions and the emotions that other

people were feeling much better. Naturally, I feel that I have a very loving and caring heart.

I hate it when other people are in pain and never want to hurt other people. Also, I always

was very friendly to other children at school that did not ‘fit in’ the group. I invited them to

my birthday parties and gave them the attention, I felt they needed. Overdevelopment of

my mind, has driven me back from that loving and caring part. Not that I did not feel this

part anymore, but it was indeed less than it used to be. It feels amazing to reconnect to the

loving Tim in me again and I am so grateful to have learnt this.

There was one example where my heart was completely open. Nick (a fellow student) was

sharing about his feelings. It connected to his youth and his mother, where he felt

sometimes that he could not totally be himself, because he wanted to please his mother

most of the time. He did not want to do anything to create negative feelings for his mother.

Suddenly, there was a realization that this rooted issue shimmered through all his past

relationships with women and he felt hurt coming up. Robin (another student), who is a

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heart centered person, felt this pain and started to become emotional too. He saw a mirror

in Nick of him doing and feeling the same in the past. Robin became then a catalyst for me,

as I suddenly also felt the emotion coming up. I felt a total sense of oneness with Nick and

Robin on a heart level. After the tears had been shed, I felt so alive and fresh, a true release

had happened and I had processed the pain that was deeply rooted inside of me.

Body

The feedback about my body language revealed that I was quite restless most of the time.

Either moving with my leg, feet or hands a lot of the times. I reflected upon that and it was

true. In class for example, I am always moving physically. Either to sit more comfortable, or

unconsciously moving my leg up and down by raising my heel rapidly, while letting my toes

stay on the floor. It looks a bit nervous and it happens unconscious. During this month I

learnt to slow down more and more. I am always tempted and used to go fast, fast, fast,

that I became totally restless. By sitting down, slowing down and feeling my body from the

inside, I can now better relax, become more peaceful and even feel my blood flowing

through my body. It creates a deeper connection with my body and I can actually really feel

that my body is alive, rather than understanding that if I would cut my arm of, it would turn

out dead.

Spirit

Like stated earlier, I start to feel the Chi energy more and more. I am gradually building up

my relationship to chi. Humbleness and gratefulness are two very important aspects in

regards to feeling and experiencing the Chi. Besides that, consistent practice of the Tai Chi

Chi Kung exercises is crucial for the spiritual development. I am amazed how many

experiences I have had where I felt such a strong energy inside and around me. It felt as if I

was moving through water when I moved my arms. Sometimes it felt very warm and soft

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and sometimes really powerful like a thick cloud around me. Sometimes it even moved me

into tears as it felt as if I was totally going back to the source where everything in the

universe is built upon. Scientists have proven that everything, thus all matter, can be seen

and is created out of energy; E=mc2. Understanding this formula is one thing, but to

actually feel that you are and everything around you is made out of energy, is another. 3

years ago, you could not have convinced me that you can actually feel energy inside and

around you. However, experiencing it myself opened up my eyes and really shifted my

conscious to another level. Now I ask myself: “how come we do not learn this at schools?’

and “how come so few people know of this?”. Every single person that I know, who has

practiced Tai Chi Chi Kung consistently starts to feel the energy. Coincidence? Is your mind

playing games? I don’t believe so.

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Blindfolding

At the beginning of the month there was a challenge, where we had to form groups of two

people, where one person was blindfolded, guided by the other person. Shoes and socks

had to be taken of and we made a tour through the school property, which consists of lots

of grass fields, stones paths, trees and flowers. I and Vincent got paired up and I started

blindfolded. We walked outside the school hall, onto the path of tiny stones. I noticed that I

had to really focus to stay balanced while walking and realized that I depended so much on

my eyes. I also had to let go completely, as I was guided and could not see anything.

Moreover, walking feels completely different if you walk by feeling with your feet, not

knowing what comes next on the way forward. It feels like seeing with and trusting your

feet. Some stones were quite sharp and felt painful or stingy, but as soon as you breathe in

the moment you feel the pain coming up, it tends to be released and it’s gone.

We went to a field of grass (as it felt) and went down on hands and knees. The grass was

still slightly wet from the morning dew and felt very soft. We got instructed to put our face

softly against the grass and “wash” our face with it. This was such a unique experience as I

felt a completely different connection with the grass. It felt so alive, full of energy and I felt

fresh, nourished and rejuvenated afterwards. The earth wants to take care of us, it grows

fruits, vegetables and so many herbs that contribute to our health. Often we take the earth

for granted, that it is just a machine or static thing that we can exploit. All we do is take,

take and take, without giving anything back and still the earth is doing its best to keep

providing us. The earth is so alive, look around at the plants for example; if they are cut off,

they would die. Does that not simply display the aliveness of the earth?

In that moment while humbling myself down on my hands and knees, I felt so much

gratitude for the earth. That all this time, it has unconditionally been giving us everything

we need, without expecting anything back. I kept thanking the earth, which made the

energy I felt even increase more. To actually feel the aliveness of the earth in reality, was

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truly amazing. Also the increase in Chi I felt, when I showed my gratitude and humility was

profound. Again, a shift in my consciousness has happened and I saw the earth as very

much alive. I have gained an outmost respect and gratefulness for the earth.

Then we went to some trees and had to put our face into the branches of the tree. It felt

kind of funny it first but it was pleasant as well. Then we sat down very close to the stem of

the tree and held it. We stayed there for a while connecting to the tree. It was really

interesting and a total new experience to hold a tree very close to you, feeling it while

blindfolded. Again a whole new world opened up and I could feel the aliveness of the tree. I

could feel the same life force inside as the life that was given to me; a sense of oneness. I

felt a lot of humbleness and respect inside for the tree. I am really grateful to have

experienced this event. Later we swapped roles and I had to guide Vincent. I felt a naughty

inner child coming up inside me that wanted to make jokes, but I behaved myself. It was

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quite fascinating for me to have full responsibility of another adult and I could feel a caring

part in me present.

Jump

Trust

Trust was a topic that had been discussed thoroughly during this month. What does it

mean to trust? To trust other people, but also trusting yourself? Trusting that everything

will be turn out alright, without you having to worry about anything. The main conclusion

that came out was that trust has to be earned. Transparency, honesty and integrity are

crucial in order to earn people’s trust. You cannot just simply expect people to trust you

and doing nothing to earn it. Trust has been a major subject in my life. I know that I have let

people down in the past by breaking my word of honor. Or that I have lied to people out of

fear. Often with good intentions, however the fact remains that it was still lying. I held up a

fake reality, living lies and so afraid that the truth would be discovered.

It used to be so natural for me to lie. At high school for example; when I did not finish my

homework, I would just make up a pretext and because I was always a good boy at school

and got good grades, I was able to get away with it. It even felt as if I was being rewarded

when I lied and turned the situation into my favor, without anyone finding out the truth.

Until at some major moments the truth came out. In my relationship to Stephanie for

example, I also lied. Sometimes even about the silliest small thing, completely unnecessary.

It connected to fear most of the time. A fear of losing the image of me being a good guy,

when I had made a mistake. A fear of trying not to upset the other person by saying no

from the beginning when making an appointment, and then in the end hurting the other

person much more when it turns out I can’t make the appointment.

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I had shared quite some examples to Master Choy and to the group where I had been

lying. So some group members had trouble trusting me fully, especially in the beginning of

the month. I could understand that of course, but it still hurt inside, as I wanted to be a

trustworthy person. Now that I have learnt to corner myself when I feel I am lying again or

about to lie and by being much more, honest, transparent and integer, I have slowly gained

the trust of the group and the trust in myself. It feels much better, natural and effortless to

be truthful. The group even shared that they saw that I was really doing my best to learn

and grow and that they appreciate my effort. That felt even more motivating and fulfilling.

Qualitum leap

To further establish the group trust, we had a unique exercise. Taking turns, each group

member had to stand on a bench facing the other way of the group, with eyes closed. Then

if the person was ready, falling backwards into the arms of the group. It was a bit like stage

diving, what some artist do. You have to completely let go and let yourself fall backwards,

trusting the group to catch and hold you. Then, you were held very softly and gently and

moved back and forth. Finally, you were uplifted by the group and held high. It felt

amazingly freeing to just totally let go. When falling backwards, a fear came in for me, as I

was afraid to fall. However, as soon the group caught me, it felt wonderful. I could feel the

loving support of the group when they were holding me. Like a baby being held in the

uterus. Being uplifted felt energetic and fun. I opened my eyes and looked at the sky and

felt completely free. When they put e on the bench again, I felt something had changed; a

deeper sense of the trust in the group had been achieved. Lastly, I jumped off the bench

and made the qualitum leap.

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Love “terrorists”

Bombing Trago Mills

Rather than bombing train stations or airports, we got assigned to love bomb random

places in town. After a very inspiring class about how much love is lacking in the world and

how much people are frightened of terrorists, we had to go to a shop, without buying

anything, and sing to the place and people there how lovely they are. We got divided into

groups of 2-3 and went out. Me, Aisling and Linda formed a group and decided to go to

Trago mills. Trago mills is a huge shopping area, where you can buy basically anything;

from garden furniture to food. While driving, I could feel my heartbeat increasing slightly. I

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had never sang before in a random place to random people. It was definitely something

that put me out of my comfort zone. So I could feel some healthy nerves coming up. I

worked with my nerves internally and felt confident and ready to spread the love.

We were walking around to find a good and busy start. We found one and started. But

suddenly people were moving and it was quiet again. Also the uhmpf was missing. I did not

hear Linda or Aisling. Then we started a second time, in the clothing department. This was

absolutely fantastic. I looked at people sang to them, thanking them and telling them that

they were amazing. Some even said the same back to me! I made a short rhyming song for

Trago in the moment as well. The staff looked a bit at me like what is happening over here

with a slightly awkward smile. Others were really enjoying it. Then when we walked in our

way out, I started appreciating random people and some really enjoyed it and had a

glimmering in their eyes! The feeling that I had inside during and after was amazing. It feels

so good to face and overcome the fear and to just do it. Without thinking about it. Taking

the power to share the love that is within. Share that creative spark inside me. I feel that I

can have so much more to share.

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Appreciating friends and family

Then we got assigned to appreciate 20 friends and/or family members, either by phoning

them up or by sending a text message. I felt excited to do so and could feel the love I had

for each person inside me. How often do we share something exited and genuine to the

ones we love? To let them know that we appreciate them for their qualities, for being them?

I feel that we can spread so much more love to our inner and outer circle, rather than

taking each other for granted. I got loving reactions back and overall, people were really

happy to hear the appreciations from me. This is something more people should do in my

opinion, including myself. Everyone loves genuine appreciations, however, we almost never

take the time to do it.

Letters and songs to the elements and organs

The main subject of the FTT course that I am currently doing and where this month was

part of, is about called the fusion of the five elements, connecting to the 5 main organs in

Chinese medicine. I will not go into that so deeply, but basically it is about connecting to

your own organs and to the elements in such a different way than that we are used to. You

actually start to create a relationship with your organs and feel how they are and what they

need. Moreover, we learn to recycle emotions that have been stored into the organs. For

example: fear connects to the kidneys, meaning that if you really slow down and tune into

your kidneys when you are afraid, you can actually physically feel it.

Eating unhealthy, drinking or smoking all pollute the internal organs. We have taken our

organs for granted and only if something serious happens or if you’re ill, you suddenly

realize how important they are. If your lungs don’t work the way the used to for example,

will influence everyday life from then on. Therefore, we learn to appreciate and our organs.

We even apologies for the damage we have done to them. We do this by writing letters,

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creating poetry or songs for the organs. I have one example where I made a song for my

liver and while singing it and at the same time really connecting to my liver internally, I felt

a glowing warmth around my liver. Massaging my liver intensified that feeling.

Furthermore, the course is also about the elements. Take water for example; water has

been taken for granted as well. While in fact we cannot live without water. We drink it, we

wash ourselves, our physical body even consists 70-90% out of water. Several studies have

shown that water is so unique. Dr. Masaru Emoto has proven that water can actually be

influenced by our words, thoughts and consciousness. He has shown that when you say

positive words to water, freeze it and watch it under a microscope, it shows a beautiful

crystal. He calls it purified water. While compared to watching a water crystal that has

received a lot of negative words and thoughts showed to be ugly and unnatural. This has

shifted my perception of water, the other elements and my organs immensely. I feel so

much more respect and gratitude for them.

Finally, we did color signs, where we drew the organs with a pen by making dots. We could

choose any color of the rainbow linked to the quality it holds and use that color to put that

quality in your organ through the drawing. Red stands for love, passion and courage.

Orange for vitality and joy. Yellow for wisdom and practice. Green for harmony, prosperity

and creativity. Blue for peace and clarity. Indigo for leadership and unity in diversity. Violet

for healing and forgiveness. Through your consciousness and internally connecting to the

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particular organ, you could literally put more peace (blue) in that organ. This lies so far

away from the western way of thinking, but in China they have applied this for over 8.000

years. I had to first unlearn what I knew and be totally open minded in order to grasp this

amazing way of connecting to the internal organs and establishing a new and profound

relationship.

Chi healing day

On the 17th of April, there was a chance for people outside the school to receive a chi

healing, eat a fresh bowl of organic potimarron soup and witness the sharing evening. In

preparation for of the sharing we had to practice with one or two of the songs, poems, or

comedy skits to learn them by heart. I practiced the rap that I and Vincent have created for

the metal element. We included a lot of jokes in the rap, which we found so funny, that we

had to stop practicing so many times, because of the laughter. I also practiced my liver

song together with Nick as the guitarist and Helen and Sabine as my background dancers.

The people who came at the chi healing day were all very kind and open to learn. Master

Choy did his best to explain the principles of Tai Chi Chi Kung and like always with a

ridiculous amount of jokes included. I felt that the people really got inspired and had a

better sense what the school was about. Then, we started to give the Chi healings to the

people. Chi healing can be used to heal certain pains, emotions or even diseases. The

concept of Chi healing is to take out the “negative” energy (the pain) and put in “positive”

energy (Chi from the universe). In China there are Chi healing centers that only use chi

healing to make people better. The largest chi healing hospital is called: huaxia Zhineng

Qigong Clinic & Training Center, founded by Dr. Pang Ming, whom has been one of the

teachers of Master Choy in the past. The hospital has an overall effective healing rate of

94,96%.

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We have learnt Chi healing ourselves and have applied this on the people at the Chi healing

day. Of Course some were still beginner, but still the people who received the Chi healing

felt wonderful. Some felt really relaxed and peaceful, while others rejuvenated and felt less

pain. Everyone experienced it as positive. Then we ate some delicious soup (I had 4 bowls)

before going into the sharing evening. The sharing’s were like gifts. Every performance was

so good, I can feel my organs buzzing with energy because of all the appreciations they

received! The flow and dynamics of the evening was also perfect. Going from soft and

moving energy to joyful and explosive energy. The results displayed the hard work in

preparation. The rap with Vincent was really fun to do and we flowed really well. I feel there

are more to come in the future. Also the song about the liver felt really positive and

energetic. Even though I made a small mistake with the lines at one point, I could sense

that the crowd loved the show, with the Dancers, Nick and me all together.

Forgiveness

Inner judge

The sharing was videotaped, so a few days later we watched the sharing back on TV. It felt

kind of strange to see myself back performing. In my opinion I looked a bit nervous and I

saw that I was criticizing myself a lot internally. The conclusion that came out of having

watched the sharing back is that nearly everyone felt an inner judge present who criticizes

the performance. Even the parts that the whole group applaud to were still being criticized

by the one performing. We all judge ourselves unconsciously, we have learnt to do so

through conditioning. If we had made a mistake we got punished for example or at school

when you did not do something the “right” way, you would get punished. So gradually we

have developed a strong inner judge who criticizes everything you do what seems wrong to

it. That also connects to the fact that we are constantly comparing ourselves with other

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people. We are constantly telling ourselves: “you have to get better!” or “why did you do

that”?!. Sometimes we even hate ourselves for having done something or have not done

something.

The art of forgiveness

At the Rainbow Tai Chi Chi Kung School we have learnt to forgive ourselves. Immediately

when a mistake has been made, we forgive ourselves internally. Making mistakes is

inevitable and perfectly normal. Everyone makes mistakes and the people who do not

make mistakes have never done something new. However, like stated earlier, normally we

constantly punish ourselves internally for these mistakes. Applying the art of forgiveness

creates a positive outcome for the event. Suddenly, making mistakes is not bad anymore

and can in fact teach you something. We learn to forgive ourselves and to look at the lesson

that was shown by the mistake, and being grateful for the lesson. A personal example is

that I forgot some ingredients of a dish that I was going to made for that night. I instantly

forgave myself when I realized I had forgotten them. While normally I would have told

myself that I am so dumb to forget such a thing or: “you had one freaking job Tim!”. Then I

saw the lessons of the clarity that was lacking in my life and especially in regards to doing

grocery. Now I do groceries with a shopping list, which saves me a lot of energy that would

otherwise have been spent on remembering and thinking, and I (almost) never forget

something anymore.

Furthermore, we had to write down a hundred times: “I forgive you Tim for all the mistakes

you have made in your life and I love you and accept how you are feeling right now!”. In

between each sentence we had to hold ourselves and actually feel the words and see what

comes up. This was a very powerful exercise for me, as I reflected back on my life and some

of the major mistakes that I had made. It mainly connected to lying to people and hurting

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people unconsciously. It felt like a true release had happened afterwards, like a big bag of

sand fell of my shoulders. I felt transformed and I believe that everyone should do this.

Night in the Valley

Fear

Fear is such a major topic of our course, because it is the root of so many issues. Fear can

come in various ways and always tries to get us. Everyone has experienced fear in their

lives; fear of not passing an exam, fear of making an accident, fear of not having enough

money etc. However, we have never learnt at primary or high school, or even at the

university to deal with fear. We have either learnt trying to ignore it or just accepting it and

live fearfully. The most important thing to remember when dealing with fear is to see fear

as it is. The moment you feel a fear coming up, take a step back internally and give fear the

space to just be. Do not judge it or identify yourself with it and remain peaceful. Then fear

melts and you have not been taken over or controller by fear. I could write this whole

report on fear only, so I will not go into it any further, but this is just an idea to give you,

how we learn to deal with fear.

Sleeping in the Valley

To put the classes about fear to the test, we had to sleep a night in the forest all alone. The

valley is a place on the school property that is part of a forest. At night, wild animals may

appear and it can get really dark and cold. We were only allowed to take a sleeping back

with us and you had to sleep on your own (the next person was at least 30 meters away).

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It was definitely a unique experience! I started the evening with doing my Tai Chi Chi Kung

exercises. After that I felt I was ready for this night. Sometimes some fears came in while

thinking about what might could happen this evening. I stayed with this fear, seeing as it is,

without any judgements. Staying with this fear and allowing it to have a place to meet itself

and then remaining peaceful, really helped to melt the fear into oneness and suddenly I did

not feel afraid anymore. Then when I did the fourth fundamental (a Tai Chi fundamental

exercise) suddenly my hand hit something. I freaked out and opened my eyes, I could really

feel the fear. However, it was just a small brand with some leafs on it. So there fear came in

again! I then worked with the fear and I was peaceful again.

Thereafter, I meditated for about 2-3 hours just sitting with my back against the beautiful

tree next to my sleeping place. I noticed that when I focus on the spaces between me and

other forms like trees etc. It became darker and darker. On the right side, I saw like a very

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dark shadow (later that morning I saw it was just a dark bush). I felt a small fear coming up,

because it looked a bit like an animal. I again worked with this fear inside and I again felt

peaceful, almost instantly this time. To really face fear and see fear as it is and cultivate

stillness/peacefulness, is such a powerful tool, because you then have the choice to act,

instead of being controlled by fear. Choosing how you want to act upon what fear shows

you; for example a safety measure when driving a car, or a fearful projection of the future. I

heard some animals drinking some water and some cows moaning.

I heard some noises around me. The wind also changed slightly. I was still sitting down

meditating on the stillness, I felt really peaceful inside, connected to my surrounds. Feeling

a bit like a native Indian American. After a while, I felt that I became tired and I decided to

lay down. It became really cold from there on. My whole body was just so cold and I kept

going back to the inner sun and felt the warmth, felt asleep almost and woke up again

because of either a noise, my own snoring or the cold. It was almost like a shock of cold. I

put in my ear plugs, because the sounds (wind mostly) were keeping me awake. The cold

was really rough to deal with I really had to remain the focus on my inner sun. Also at some

moments my thoughts came in: “when is it finished? I am bored! I don’t want to sleep here

anymore”. I came back to the stillness, also in between my thoughts and became more

relaxed again. After a while I could fall asleep.

Then, I woke up in the middle of the night and saw a very bright moon. It was absolutely

beautiful and I noticed how light the place around me was. I looked at the sky for a while

and saw the stars moving. I had never looked for this long to the stars and it felt so

beautiful to see this absolute stillness in motion of the universe (including the earth)

moving. I thought of the ancient wise who were investigating this phenomenon and I really

felt fascinated by the universe. I felt part of the bigger picture, but at the same time felt so

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small in this huge space. I felt asleep again and woke up peacefully by the birds. I remained

there for another hour or something and went back.

The River Dart

We went to the River dart one day, which is a beautiful place in the forest where a relatively

big river flows. Next to the river we practiced Zhineng Chi Kung and I felt charged with

energy after that. I could tune in well with my surroundings and felt a sense of oneness. I

felt the blood inside my veins connecting to the water in the river while giving thanks for

the water element. Then we had a class there about teaching, where we practiced

elaborating the Tai Chi exercises to each other. There were two special demands though;

we had to bring in self-humor while explaining it and had to bring in energy, enthusiasm

and excitement. At our course we work a lot with self-humor, because it brings in lightness

and fun. Everyone loves jokes and to laugh, so we practice a lot with joking. Besides that,

self-humor can actually be a form of healing, because it can transform a trauma into a

positive and funny event, when fully assimilated.

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Final sharing

On the last evening of the month intensive, we had a sharing night again where people

could share their creativity. I had written a rap/song that I performed together with Robin.

It was about building a bridge between how the current society is living and how the

current society could be living; in a higher state of consciousness. Where people would live

in harmony and peace. The sharing night was awesome and again everyone put in their

talents and did their best to make the evening a success.

Conclusion

This month has been absolutely fantastic for me. I feel positively transformed and way

more balanced. It feels like it has been a year intensive because, so many things have

happened and so many emotions were felt, as normally it would have taken me at least a

year to be in this roller coaster. I had so many tears flowing of both pain and laughter. Such

a great, supportive and loving connection has been built with each unique group individual,

which made this month even more wonderful. It amazes me when I consider the fact that

so many valuable life lessons can be learnt in such a short period of time. Because it was so

intense with no self-escape possible, combined with Master Choy being there as a catalyst, I

was able to learn lessons I hardly could have learnt on my own. The biggest challenge for

me was to slow down, unlearning and willing to let my ego die.

In normal daily life, I am so hasty, always doing things, always occupying my mind, by either

working, doing sports, watching TV, playing video games or hanging out with friends. There

was no time for me being, because there was always me doing. However, here I learnt to

slow down and to just be, and suddenly a whole new world opens up and you start to feel

and see things that you normally could not. Besides that, years of conditioning have

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polluted my consciousness and narrowed my view on life itself. Therefore, unlearning and

growing down was and still is the first thing to be done. It opens up your mind and

establishes your new values and root believes, the ones that were already there when you

were a baby. To conclude, in the beginning we were given a plant to take care of during the

whole month (see picture on title page). We learn that the outer reflects the inner. Meaning

that if you change internally, your surroundings will also change. The picture below is taken

after the month. It shows that the flowers have all gone dead, but it also shows that there

are new leafs and flowers coming. The old and dead make way for the new, the ego has

died!

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Word of thanks

I would like to thanks Master Choy for making this month intensive possible. Without his

enormous wisdom, his embodyment of the Tai Chi principles and the million jokes, the

month would not have been the same. Then I would like to thank Christine for her loving

care and for supporting Master Choy. I would like to thank the group for the trust, laughter

and tears, it has been a crazy month! Lastly, I would like to thank myself for doing my best!