RELATIONSHIPSAnd Love

LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS Exchange relationships

the need for equity (equal ratio of) rewards and costs repaid immediately for favours feel exploited when favours are not returned keep track of who is contributing what to the relationship helping the other person has no effect on our mood

Communal relationships primary concern: being responsive to the other

person's needs. do not like to be repaid immediately for our favours do not feel exploited when favours are not repaid do not keep track of who is contributing what to the

relationship helping the person puts us in a good mood

ESTABLISHING A RELATIONSHIP

INTIMACY Dimensions:

Physical intimacy hugs, kisses, and physical closeness

Intellectual intimacy exchange of important ideas, values and beliefs

Emotional intimacy exchange of important feelings.

Shared activities everything from working side-by-side at a job to

meeting regularly for exercise workout

REWARDS Semi-Economic Model (social exchange

theory)  We often seek out people who can give us

rewards, either tangible or emotional, that are greater than or equal to the costs we encounter in dealing with them. 

Rewards: any outcomes we desire Rewards - Costs = Outcome Comparison level: what behaviours are acceptable Comparison level of alternatives: rewards received

in the present situation versus other rewards that could be expected to receive in others.

Interpersonal Resources:  love, status, information, money, goods, and services

EQUITY Equity Theory

Concerned about equity in their relationships, Rewards, costs, and contributions to the

relationship are roughly equal to the rewards, costs, and contributions of the other person

EQUITY - CONTINUED Confirming and Valuing

Communication climate, or the emotional tone of a relationship, is the key to positive relationships. 

Tone of a relationship: degree to which people believe themselves to be valued by one another. 

Confirming describes messages that convey valuing

ESTABLISHING AND MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS

PROCESS MODELS Rules

Shared opinions or beliefs about what should or should not be done

two major functions of rules regulate behaviour to minimize potential sources of conflict check on the exchange of rewards that motivate people to stay in

relationships Rules that apply to most relationships

respecting other people's privacy not discussing what has been said in confidence emotionally supportive

Additional rules apply in particular types of relationships, called clusters.  spouse, sibling and close friends doctor, teacher and boss

Deception - the most important rule that should not be broken

PROCESS MODELS CONTINUED Filter Theory

Relationships pass through a series of filters.  First Filter: similarity of ethnic, racial, religious and

social class groups determines the likelihood of people meeting in the first place

Our choice of friends/partners is made for us because the field of availables (the range of people who are realistically available for us to meet)

Second Filter: People's psychological characteristics and, specifically, agreement on basic values.  best predictor of a relationship becoming more stable and

permanent.  Third Filter: Complementarity of emotional needs

was the best predictor of a longer term commitment

ATTACHMENT MODELS Infants form one of three basic attachments

to the caregiver.  Crucial feature - caregiver’s sensitivity

The sensitive caregiver sees things from the baby’s perspective, correctly interprets its signals, responds to its needs, and is accepting, cooperative and accessible.  Securely Attached Babies

The insensitive caregiver interacts almost exclusively in terms of their own wishes, moods and activities. Insecurely Attached Babies (anxious-avoidant or anxious-resistant)

Anxious-avoidant                                                                                                                         15%Typical behaviour:  Baby largely ignores caregiver.  Play is little affected by whether caregiver is present or absent.  No or few signs of distress when caregiver leaves, and actively ignores or avoids caregiver on return.  Distress is caused by being alone, rather than being left by the caregiver.  Can be as easily comforted by a stranger as by the caregiver.  In fact, both adults are treated in a very similar way.

Securely attached                                                                                                                        70%Typical behaviour:  Baby plays happily while the caregiver is present, whether the stranger is present or not.  Caregiver is largely ‘ignored’ because the baby trusts that care will be provided if needed.  Clearly distressed when caregiver leaves and play is considerably reduced.  Seeks immediate contact with caregiver on return, is quickly calmed down and resumes play.  The distress is caused by the caregiver’s absence, not being alone.  Although the stranger can provide some comfort, stranger and caregiver are treated very differently.Anxious-resistant                                                                                                                         15%Typical behaviour:  Baby is fussy and wary while the caregiver is present.  Cries a lot more and explores much less than other two types and has difficulty in using caregiver as a safe base.  Very distressed when caregiver leaves, seeks contact on return, but simultaneously shows anger and resists contact (may approach caregiver and reach out to be picked up, but then struggles to get down again).  This demonstrates the baby’s ambivalence towards the caregiver.  Does not return readily to play.  Actively resists stranger's efforts to make contact.

STAGE MODELS Knapp’s Model

broad phases of “coming together” and “coming apart”.  descriptive of intimate, romantic relationships and close

friendships1. Initiating: Expressing interest in making contact

and showing that you are the kind of person worth getting to know.

2. Experimenting: uncertainty reduction - the process of getting to know others by gaining more information about them.

3. Intensifying: Interpersonal relationships now begin to emerge.  Feelings about the other person are now openly expressed, forms of address become more familiar, commitment is now openly expressed, and the parties begin to see themselves as “we” instead of separate individuals.

4. Integrating: Identification as a social unit.  Social circles merge.  Partners develop unique, ritualistic ways of behaving.  Obligation to the other person increases.  Some personal characteristics are replaced and we become different people.

5. Bonding: The parties make symbolic public gestures to show society that their relationship exists (rings, tokens, marriage).

6. Differentiating: The need to re-establish separate identities begins to emerge.  The key to successful differentiation is maintaining a commitment to the relationship while creating the space for autonomy and individuality.

7. Circumscribing: Communication between the partners decreases in quantity and quality.  It involves a certain amount of shrinking of interest and commitment.

8. Stagnating: No growth occurs.  Partners behave toward each other in old, familiar ways without much feeling.

9. Avoiding: The creation of physical, mental and emotional distance between the partners.

10. Termination: In romantic relationships the best predictor of whether the parties will become friends is whether they were friends before their emotional involvement.

MR. D’S TEN STEPS FOR DATING Step 1: Find the person you like and find a way to tell

them (e.g. send a note through a friend).

Step 2:Invite the person you like to a party or on a date – with your parents and theirs.

Step 3: Go on the date with the parents and the person you like. If you have to, you can hold hands with the person.

Step 4: After the first date, you’re allowed to go on a date without your parents – but you can still only hold hands.

Step 5: On the next date, you can hug the person – once, at the end of your date, but not too close.

MR. D’S TEN STEPS FOR DATING Step 6: The next time you see the person, you’re

allowed to kiss – on the forehead. That’s it. Also, you must apply the three-second rule.

Step 7: On your next date, you can kiss the person on the cheek – five seconds, max – but then you have to stop and go home.

Step 8: Next time, you can kiss on the lips – but no tongue.

Step 9: Next, you can hug and kiss at the same time.

Step 10: You’ve gone too far. Break up. Go find someone else and start again at Step 1.

STAGE MODELS - CONTINUED Stimulus-Value Role Theory

Stimulus stage Attraction is based on external attributes

value stage Similarity of values and beliefs becomes more

important Role stage

Commitment based on successful performance of relationship roles, such as husband and wife

STAGE MODELS - CONTINUED Levinger’s Model

Five Stages Acquaintance or initial attraction Consolidation or continuation Deterioration Decline Ending

At each stage, there are positive factors that promote the relationship's development and corresponding negative factors that prevent its development or cause its failure

RELATIONSHIPS MATURITY Three Levels

Self-Focused The individual’s own wishes and plans overshadows

those of others, and the individual shows little concern for others. 

Role-Focused   Perspective is stereotypical and emphasizes social

acceptability.  Individuals at this level know that acknowledging and

respecting another is part of being a good friend or a romantic partner.

Individuated-Connected one begins to understand oneself, as well as to have

consideration for others’ motivations and to anticipate their needs.

UNSATISFYING RELATIONSHIPS Best Predictor of Breakup Experience = the

role you play in it Initiator of Breakup (“The Dumper”) – less upset,

less stressed, more feelings of guilt/unhappiness, less physical symptoms (headaches, irregular eating or sleeping)

Non-Initiator of Breakup (“The Dumped”) – more miserable; high levels of loneliness, depression, unhappiness, and anger; more physical symptoms (even weeks later)

CULTURE Individualism places greater emphasis on

personal achievement and self-reliance.  Collectivism places priority on the welfare

and unity of the group.  In cultures where arranged marriages occur,

the relationship between love and marriage is the other way around, and marriage is seen as the basis on which to explore a loving relationship. 

The cultural background in which people have learned about love is important in shaping their concept of it.

DISSOLUTION OF RELATIONSHIPS Lee’s Model

Five Stages dissatisfaction is discovered Dissatisfaction is then exposed Some sort of negotiation about the dissatisfaction

occurs Attempts are made to resolve the problem Relationship is terminated

DISSOLUTION - CONTINUED Duck’s Model

Four Phases Intrapsychic phase

Unable to stand the relationship – Relationship under review (good vs. bad), no action taken yet

Feeling justified in withdrawing from relationship Dyadic Phase

Decide to confront the partner (or not) Decide whether to repair it or end it

Social Phase Public announcement – saving face/blame-placing Friends and family provide support End is inevitable

Grave-Dressing Phase Grieving and “getting over it”

DISSOLUTION - CONTINUED Exit-Voice-Loyalty-Neglect Model

Four Responses to Relationship Dissatisfaction Exit

Leaving the relationship Active strategy Destructive

Neglect Ignoring the relationship Passive strategy Destructive

Voice Articulating concerns Active strategy Constructive

Loyalty Staying in the relationship and accepting the other's behaviour Passive strategy Constructive

ATTRACTION Similarity Mutual Attraction Gain-Loss Effect (person likes you more now) Competence Disclosure Proximity Physical Attraction Reinforcement-Affect Model (person makes

you feel good about yourself)

INTIMACY The two people interact more often for a longer time and in

more situations than do less intimate friends or acquaintances. When apart, they attempt to restore proximity. They “open up to each other”, revealing secrets, feelings, praise

and criticism. They develop their own ways of communicating. Each develops the ability to anticipate how the other will

behave and feel. Their behaviours and goals become synchronized not identical,

but they do not get in each other’s way. Each becomes increasingly invested in the relationship. Increasingly, the self-interest of each depends on the well-being

of the relationship. They see the relationship as virtually irreplaceable and unique. They tend to relate to others as a pair, or couple. They like, love and trust each other

INTIMATE INTERACTION Young Adults show five different styles/types of

intimate interaction: Intimate

One or more deep and long-lasting love relationships. Preintimate

Mixed emotions about commitment, an ambivalence that is reflected in the strategy of offering love without obligations or long-lasting bonds.

Stereotyped Superficial relationships that tend to be dominated by friendship

ties with same-sex rather than opposite-sex individuals. Pseudointimate

Long-lasting sexual attachment with little or no depth or closeness. 

Isolated Withdraws from social encounters and has little or no social

contact with same- or opposite-sex individuals

LOVE Many forms

one's mate brother or sister Child parent or grandparent Friend Country

Can evolve or change over time  Three Components of Love

Intimacy Passion Decision/commitment

TYPES OF LOVE Liking

intimacy in the absence of passion or decision/commitment

refers to friendships in which one feels closeness, bondedness and warmth toward the other

Infatuation passion without intimacy or decision/commitment.

Romantic combination of intimacy and passion without

commitment Companionate

intimacy and decision/commitment in which the passion has subsided.