Pursuing the Ghost

7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost

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Pursuing the Ghost

A collection of poems by Alan Eby

All work © Alan Eby



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Note:

The work in this collection retains its uniqueness and initial spontaneity. All of these poems

contain the emotions I was feeling at the time. No additions or revisions have been made to the

poems. I want the reader to experience this collection just as I did when I originally wrote it.



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Where I End and You Begin – That nonsense that used to occur



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A Consensual Crime

To tell would be murder Since she can inflict death

Nothing would be sweeter Than dying from her breath

To answer would be suicide

Since I control his heart

Nothing would be more upsettingThan him and I apart



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Wasting Away Coins or Rusting All Alone

I’m in timeout, sitting in the corner

Watching everyone else playWaiting, wishing, wanting, worrying about you

Are you having fun?

Do you miss my stare?

A stale glare from a gust of nostalgic air

Coins in my pocket, wasting away

Could be used to help feed a nationI save them for the ice cream you want that’s sitting in a store

Your feet must hurt from running

AwayThe direction from me

Give up the ghost that haunts youI’ll sit here until they, or you, possibly a friend, calls



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Changling

You

YouYouYou

You

You

you

youyou

you

you have changed



7

The Sea of Return

Put me in a bottle and toss me

Over the cliff SplashInto the water. Into the world

The current tugs and pulls

Deploy the sails, steer the rudder

None, however, on this vesselThis voyage cannot be manipulated

Accompanied by the sun and moon

Both spend equal time but jealousy arisesWhen the equinox shines

Sunburned by smothering, I try and die

By drowning, yet I float like a feather So I just close my eyes and hope

For the shore



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No Less of a Man

Stand tall and strong they say

The alpha of the domainTheir apathetic generalizations are wrongWhereas I tend to cry

For you, my weeping window to the stars of heaven

To the point of breaking I am weak

Fragile are my bones when you speak

All my thoughts, wants, and needsDisappear, to sacrifice in your honor, as you please

For you, my restless soul slaves away for free

Too much it may be, but too little it is for me

Dark of the moon has light so brightEven when we’re blind at night

So notice me here and render my fear

For having you near never felt so real



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Christmas Used to Be

Stockings aren’t hung because they are on the feet

Crackling of the fiery roasted wood shoots embers onto the generational hearthUnder the mistletoe lies the dog who’s paws are drying from running out in the snow

The halls are loud with silence

No aunts talking loudly over a recipe

No grandfathers bellowing for another drink No kids running after one another

Snow rests on the windowsill, trying mercilessly to enter But mother is in her chair by the window, reading the snow to sleep

While I listen to the dog breathe in its sleep

Our Christmas comes with no extravagant additions, no scents of gingerbreadJust the remnants of a once together family



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Melancholy Flower

As I look outside and watch the snow gently glide down and rest upon the ground

I can’t help but think about youWell, it happens a lot… not just when it snows and the idea of being warm and near youovercomes me

Your scent comes back and floods my nostrils, reminding me of the intoxication

Next, I trace the curves of your legs with my lonely fingers in midair like a ghost

*This line doesn’t do justice to the way you looked up at me with your eyes

The style your hair was always in caused me to uncontrollably smileMy ears perked up when you tenderly spoke to me about how cold you were

You laying on my back was probably the creation of an 8th sin

Then I shake my thoughts and wake myself up

I should be angry with you and I should be forgiving with you

We should stay without constant contact and we should be friends againSometimes I have no idea what to decide on and this is the embodiment of that

On the shelf sat a glass jar that held everything that you bottled up inside

That nightPandora’s box was opened

You already know what the contents were, so there is no use in listing them

Summaries exist for this situation: I wasn’t what made the butterflies in your stomach flutter

anymoreTime was a factor in it all as wellBut don’t we have all the time in the world?

Like a burning candle, eventually your flame went out

Darkened night consumed the room

All my faults were brought to light

An index finger pointing at meAn honest and misinforming lecture

Tears were shed and promises were made

A pact of spoken stabilityCreated with future intentions

Smoke in my eyes

Diversion from what I felt initially

Things were said and now things have been doneYou said those things would never happen and now they have

It’s now hard to believe that what you said after all of it was to be taken seriously



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It’s harder to lie to yourself than to meBut from whispering voices, I hear you’re happy

From an encouraging standpoint, I am elated for you

Delighted that you are receiving what I couldn’t give to you

From an unenthusiastic standpoint, I am resentfulInfuriated that you tricked me

With respect to the notion that love cannot be preemptive

planned (what’s next?)

or anticipated,

I understand

However, I do not understand how you switched so quickly

Even the Pacific Ocean winds are slower than how swiftly you actedWhere did your pain from me go?

Seared into my memory is youThe memories we made, the time we spent together, and the pain you caused me

It all seems blurry, eventually, and yet, I hold my breath and try to cleanse myself of this plague

This latched-on pest that feeds off my insecurities and weaknesses for youSave for the most basic, essential, fundamental, crucial picture of you

The picture that both calms me and enrages me

Habits die hardAnd mine are armored:

Night owlAnti-morning person

Too sensitiveOver thinkingDreamer of normality

Sense of togetherness

Lonely

Depressed

In the outskirts of reality and inside the providence of a perfect world,

you and I are together. No flaws or regrets. Only us.Except, who I was once in love with is no more

We should return back to August Moon, you say

But you need to understand that you have never known me not in love with youSo perhaps the dusty unclaimed trail consumes me and you continue walking in shoes that are

easily repaired



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Casual Observer

I’m fearful to admit

Fearful to retractSome things burnAnd become intact

Images I remember

Convey to you, “I’m the conserver”Slap my wrist

Lecture me, “You’re now a casual observer”

Now I feel guilty

For what my dirty mind is thinking

Seems that I should shut me eyesAnd keep forever blinking

Questions unansweredLike a conspiracy or fabled myth

Goddess of love and pain

Do I continue to worship or drown myself in the River Styx?



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Future

I once saw my future

In the vastness of your eyes Now I am blindAnd I don’t know why

I could tell you how I feel

Or I could list all the why’sEven when I know

In the end, it’s mostly dry

I should just learn to forget

And bury what was, “we”

Yet it kills to know you’re hereSmiling suspiciously

I want again the wholenessThat branded our simple souls

My scar is burning tonight

Does it burn in yours?



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Sands of Time

I want to run

Where the golden sunMeets the wise sandsOf time

I want to flee out west

Where my body and soul may restUnder the night sky

Filled with starry eyes

I want to break our contact

On the wind’s broken back

Glide to an oasisAnd light a fire

I’ll try to fuel this flameTo engulf your name

Burning what’s left

Of this forsaken pact

I hope the cacti sing

Like muses tugging on a string

To whisk me awayTo a new place

I believe the moon is hereWhich will drain away my fears

Of you and your ways

That punish me, undeserving

I want to run

Where the golden sun

Meets the wise sandsOf time



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This Is Not

This is not for you

But for what I thought you were

A shoulder to cry on

To drain all the pain

In the end we would be finishedYet this is only the beginning

*Oh, I am unsureAnd you are too far

We should try then let it be

Did you think of meWhen that song was played?

Did your memories swell

Into a bubble and burst?

Middle ground, common groundIt’s all rough terrain

*Oh, I am unsureAnd you are too far

We should try then let it be

Oh, a Mason Dixon compromise

Oh, a bold-faced shy lie (x2)

*Oh, I am unsure

And you are too far

We should try then let it be (x4)



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Shatterproof

Today I recollect

And try to piece together my lifeFrom all the mistakes, letdowns, wrong turns, bumps,

heartaches, tears, attempts of release

…

Moving on a linear path with no pulse

Then she came into my life; now pulsing new lifeConsumed with rage

Positive rage which lacked objectivity (I never am able to see)

Patiently I worked to ease my way inHer wall was high as the sky

But when I breachedThe air was so pure, so foreign, I became high

Our reign in our conjoined kingdom was worthy of note in the history books. Well, maybe only

in mine, since she didn’t enjoy history

The ship ran aground

The ship was back on course

Theship

sank… for good

“Mayday. Mayday. Dear all on board,

I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for my mistakes, I’m sorry for your mistakes. My belief in us

to do what we expected of each other worked to an extent; an extent that we both didn’t fully

understand. Blame can be appointed but the captain takes full blame. He shouldn’t though. Likea socialist society, it should be distributed. It’s over now and it doesn’t matter anymore. In my

final words, I would like to admit I gave my life, its entirety in devotion, care, respect, trust,

love, and anything else I forgot to mention that I think is important to bring to your attention.

Again, I apologize for my failure and yours as well… but maybe it’s all mine. I’m quite confusedand unsure.”

The night is darkest just before the dawn

That’s true…

Unless collateral damage has affected other parts…

… like your overall state Not just from the love, but from the realization that happiness is alluding me

Conscious of it, like looking in a mirror



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Medication could save me from the edgeFrom toppling into the cool abyss

Seagulls call from their perches, echoing what I secretly despise to happen on opposite day

Silent nights fill the loud world

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Lost in translation or found in myself?

If the latter, I have yet to unearth any direction

More lost if anything; a compass in a magnetic field

The sum of all things miscued add up to a heavy load that relies on my mind to carry

Perhaps a change is in order:

The plains of MontanaRaging seas of the Pacific

Lush forests of Washington

Snowy valleys of Vermont

The historic streets of London

Scenic buildings of Paris

Rustic air of BerlinVastness of Tuscany

The serenity of Bangkok Advances in Seoul

Brightness of Tokyo

Chances to create chancesRebirth from Ash

The decision is too difficult to make at the momentSo possibly, hopefully, tomorrow will shed light on the matter

Because as of now, a linear path that is magnetized by gravity, is the norm



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A Secret Society

It once was talked about throughout kingdoms

Now it hardly retains respect

Many men killed over its code

But today sees many discarding it

Women expected it to be provided upon requestIronically, today, they deem it odd and unusual

When a man treats a woman rightThe woman stares and asks why

Chivalry is dead to the masses

Only a few select still cling to its policies

In secret we plan to enlighten the worldTo make history repeat itself



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Late

I’m always late

Never realizing what I have until it’s goneAs the tears roll down my cheeksOnto an old photo of you



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Hardened

It never was possible

Or even remotely thought of Now these conjured accessories have become realityHardened by hurt

And softened by stitches of two

Protected now from the elements

So close to extinctionUntil Darwin steps in

Survival of the fittest is true



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Give

My body is now empty

From all the things that I gave to youThey can’t be given back anymore

I trusted you with my secrets

Why didn’t you want to keep them anymore?

They’re on a wanted poster out on my door

I gave you all of my body

You took it like it was moneyYou spent it all on somebody else



I let you tear down my wall

Brick by brick, and you caused it to fall

Your victory was a conspiracy

I cried when word got around

That you were leaving my side of the town

Who knew what a year would have in store for us



You can run

I can hideYou can laugh

I can cry

But you ran, away, from me

I think that you are a thief

You stole the very core, center of me

And didn’t think that I’d even notice

I try and mend my woundsFrom inside where all the damage is done

Time is late for this late house call

My body is now emptyFrom all the things that I gave to you

They can’t be given back anymore



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My body is now emptyFrom all the things that I gave to you

They can’t be given back anymore



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Premeditated Spontaneity – How the wind and I can converse together



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Time

Precious as a form of currency

Yet worthless as a method of paymentIt’s abundant but scarceWith time comes rejuvenation and deterioration

Opportunities and wasted chances

Don’t ask for it back

It only comes anew



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Sawdust Bones

There is a broken man

Cracked from no grout in the spaces in betweenHis lack of a beat to a drum gets me all fired up

While soft piano music plays in the distance

Overlooking a cemetery

Where the graves of werewolves are nestled

The hymns of ghosts are sung by the zombie choir

A horde of flats and sharpsWith no conductor to direct them

Here, darkness commands



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Backwards “S”

Do it for you

Not one or twoA backwards “S,” it’s true

Blank pages, sprawled around

A burst of color, splattered down

Your own drum to beat to

Silence deafens to those in range

Of New York bombs on 5 th AvenueBarely time to buy your escape

Thinking is for the peasantry

Cool water to soak your woundsFrom your nonexistent struggle

You’re a backwards “S,” not out of place

Just looking silly



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A Shared Separation

All over the world, people are alone

They feel aloneThey taste lonelinessThey smell the scent of no one

Funny how each individual has feelings of alienation while their neighbor does as well

So are we all alone, together?



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Trans-Suburbia Nightlight

It could get lighter

Upon this burnt out sunMatches cease to burn

No more torches

To light the funeral pyres

Only candles that yearn

Illuminate the forest, its animals eat fast

Suburbs calling for the pickup of trash

A megaton of candy

For the overachieving kiddies

Report cards make Johnny feel accepted all along

Gravity’s finger curling, we have to followMelancholy desires to flip a switch

Life is now on



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Dreams

These dreams

They dream other dreamsIs it possibleThat those dreams are the dreams of these dreams?

Does my mind want what it already has

Or does it subconsciously cry for more?



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Satellites and the Television Monster

This monster on file

Tabbed by numerals only a click awayMessages of the same style

Buy this

Sell that

Which one to likeThose all to hate

An interruption from your local broadcasting serviceThis is a test of the hypnotic hypocrite system

A little bit of damage in exchange for the dollar genie paying a visit

Frolicking in the meadows on top of skyscrapers



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Why Sit When You Can Lie

Put a dollar in the jar

The hourglass is turnedSoft leather, cool to the touch, burns

The sound of pen on paper begins with a line of scribbles

Where to begin?

Don’t want to say

This overseer on a perch

Observes every movementCareful to not think of it

A confidant it says on the desk

Unsettled in these explanationsTruthfully, the truth will hide

Every grain of sand

Feels like an eternity

Suspended like gravity within a rainbow

Pestering to continue

Inquiring about the origin

More white lies to conceive

Never feeling at ease

Someone who is trained to analyzeDust has accumulated on the window since last time

Hourglass is empty

Next week, againAppointment will be under, “Pinocchio”



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History

History isn’t what has happened

Rather what we regretWhat we should have done, wanted to doBut were conflicted by outside factors different to our own

However, in our reflections we realize our mistakes

That if things were different we’d be happier, fitter, more comfortable, richer, skinnier, bigger,

louder, brighter, faster, taller, smarter, and better

That’s us

Aside from the people who made today, yesterdayThey are happier, fitter, more comfortable, richer, skinnier, bigger, louder, brighter, faster, taller,

smarter, and better than us



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Neither Here or There

This place used to mean so much

Now it annoys me to the touchI only come back for air

Steamrolling through the streets

On the heels of a bureaucrat’s feet

No peace to know

I don’t like it here, nor there

I don’t like it there, nor here

Stale as a nostalgic tree

With branches swaying in the breeze

No fake plastic trees here

A port of information

Invoking a sensation No boredom here

I don’t like it here, nor there

I don’t like it there, nor here

Somewhere there’s a place for me

A place that will set me freeWith lasting love

Nowhere is where I’ll resideWith a blending of suicide

I can just turn and run

I don’t like it here, nor thereI don’t like it there, nor here

And if I could leave and float awayIf I could leave and float away

If I could leave and float away

I’d live in the sky with Lucy

In the sky with her diamonds



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My Videotape

(Play)

This movie is a regretful oneMany things I watch and wish I did

So many people I should have treated differently

Those ones are happy in their livesLiving a life that I don’t feel comfortable with

Because society has taught me to look down upon it

Who’s the miserable one now?

Me

Lamenting in my own purgatoryF l o a t i n g s o m e w h e r e

(Rewind)

Back to her face, eyes, pleas, cries

I let her go; didn’t see her worth

Her departure may have been for something greater

Hmm…

(Fast Forward)

Opening a book

Reading words I don’t care for

Blah, blah, blahWait…

(Pause)

I’m numb from the sobering fact that this movie is a person’s life: mine

A sad life filled with regret, melancholy, teenage crush-like memories

Broken hearts, bloodshed, death, and a gaping hole in the purpose department

No matter what happens, I cannot cloud the fact that this movie will never end unless I make a

new one

Until another showing

(Eject)



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Marooned

On the water’s edge

A sheet of blue eternityGrains of the past fill the spaces in between your toes

Echoes of silence

Cries for help

Rumbling of the tide as it washes today away

Shadows overhead

Clouding the view No one can see this oasis from miles apart

Spearhead a result

Mission to leave this wanted miseryBackup plan to create a new home

Awakened by some noise

Dreaming, in and out

Shreds the first note to pieces

Listen to the breeze

Calling out to stay

Like a muse with golden hair





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Unfair

Pain that is caused by it all

Cross fades into a blendingRather than a healing

Rented friends are returned

Back to their native shelf

Wanted again after a few minutes of inactivity

Strong love for a specific toy

Only leads to attachmentThat rips when pulled away

Lines on the tombstone

Read: too young and too importantFor it to be considered fair

But what is really fair

When the only thing that results

Is hurting inside

Trust in close ones

Is essential for the resolution

Of today’s matters

It’s not so bad

When you say it like thatSince the memories are numb



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Tyeirs

To bridge another world to yours

It seems impossible

To the nonbelievers, that is

Visitors here are not welcome

Only permanent residents

Enjoy your lively neighborhood first





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Pursuing the Ghost