NATIONAL CHAMPIONS

PILOT: Poor Execution

By

Alan Avante

2014

COLD OPEN

FADE IN:

INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY

The Oklahoma Tech Tiger's locker room is raucous before a college Bowl Game. The players are suited up in orange uniforms with black and white stripes.

COACH MURRAY, a middle-aged, old-school head football coach is delivering a generic pre-game speech.

COACH MURRAYWell, fellas, this is it. Today is the day. Today is the day we've been working for all year long. Today is the day we leave everything we got out on that field. Because it's in this game... in this war... we show every man, woman, and child... just how much Tiger Pride we got. So y'all ready to get out there and kick a little tail!?

TEAMReady!

COACH MURRAYY'all ready to get out there and take whats yours!?

TEAMReady!

COACH MURRAYWho are we?

TEAMTigers!

COACH MURRAYWho are we?

TEAMTigers!

COACH MURRAYAlright... Tiger Pride...

TEAMTiger Pride.

JAMAL, a naive freshman wide receiver enthusiastically follows up Coach's speech with a question.

JAMALHey, Coach, after we win this game who do we play in the next round?!

COACH MURRAY(taken aback)

Uh, sorry, Jamal. No next round... But hey, after we kick the crap out of these guys, the school'll get a nice little chunk-a-change.

There's a murmuring of approvals and high fives.

PARKER, a bespectacled third string field goal kicker devalues Coach Murray's assertion.

PARKERBut, Coach, isnt it true that both schools receive an equal payout no matter who wins?

COACH MURRAY(exasperated)

Yes, Martinez, I suppose so... But hey, why don't we think of this game as a reward for a well-played season, then?

JAMALBut, Coach, this was our worst year ever! We don't deserve any of this! It's wrong! It's all just plain wrong!

Jamal puts his head in his hands and sobs, making it awkward for everyone.

Parker calmly helps address the issue.

PARKERYeah, Coach. And it does feel a little condescending to even be selected to play in a Bowl Game. Much less the FTD Pansy Bowl.

COACH MURRAYHey, the Pansy is a resilient perennial, which is a lot more than I can say for you numbskulls... But I get it. I haven't inspired you guys enough...

2.

(MORE)

Well, then let me tell you a story. A story about the American Olympic Swimming Champion, Amy Van Dyken.

Everyone raises there hands.

COACH MURRAY (CONTD)Who is married to a man.

They put their hands down.

COACH MURRAY (CONTD)And guess what? She got paralyzed - from the waist down - spine completely crushed. And you know what she was doing? Probably something she "loved most"! And she wasn't worried about advancing to some sort of mythical "next round"... Jamal!

Jamal hangs his head in shame.

Players are confused, including CHUCK WAGON, a large rotund bearded player.

CHUCK WAGONCoach, are you saying we might end up like Amy Van Dyken?

COACH MURRAYWell... so. She seems happy. Always got a big smile on her face. Unless that's also paralyzed.

PARKERIt's not.

COACH MURRAYSee. And she has an indomitable spirit--which might be good for some you "gloomy-gusses".

JAMAL(cheerfully)

You mean "indomitable"like the Snowman?

COACH MURRAY That's right, Jamal. Just like the Indomitable Snowman...

PARKERI think you guys mean "abominable".

3.

COACH MURRAY (CONT'D)

COACH MURRAY How dare you, Parker! She's an American hero for god-sakes. Don't you guys wanna be heros?!

TEAMYes sir!

COACH MURRAY Then get out there and do it!

END OF COLD OPEN

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4.

ACT 1

EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM - DAY

The football game is in progress and the TIGER CHEERLEADERS are getting the fans fired-up.

The TIGER BAND plays the school fight song and the TIGER FANS sing along.

TIGER FANSO'er every winning drive Through every goal line standWe're tiger orange We'll fight with Corange To be The best In the land.

FOOTBALL FIELD

The REFEREE signals a touchdown as the blue team celebrates in the end zone.

TIGER SIDELINES

Jamal and Parker are sitting on the bench.

GAME ANNOUNCER O.S....And the Bakersfield Townies score again - as they continue to humiliate the Tigers, forty-four, nothing.

PARKER Well, you gotta hand it to 'em. They did win their Junior College league.

JAMALIf Amy Van Dyken was here, she'd know what to do.

PARKERYeah... well, all I know is that if we don't keep the stadium filled for next year, Director Pescatore is not going to be happy.

5.

JAMALTruth-out... but we'll just let more prairie dogs come to the games.

SMASH CUT:

STADIUM SEATS

A cute human sized PRAIRIE DOG, wearing a Tigers visor, keeps popping up from his seat in front of a HUSBAND and WIFE. Celebrating for even the most minor occurrences.

ANNOUNCER O.S.And the Tigers gain five more yards on the carry.

Prairie dog pops up and cheers enthusiastically as does everyone else.

ANNOUNCER O.S. (CONTD)And the Tigers huddle up.

Prairie dog does it again but with fewer people.

ANNOUNCER O.S. (CONTD)The referee calls time out.

And again, by himself.

ANNOUNCER O.S. (CONTD)It looks like some debris has blown out on to the field.... And here comes the clean-up crew.

And yet again.

The husband loses patience with the Prairie Dog.

HUSBANDExcuse me. Is that really necessary!?

Prairie Dog chirps back in Prairie Dog language with English subtitles SUPERIMPOSED.

PRAIRIE DOGHey, buddy, I'm just trying to show my team spirit, so you need chill... the funk... out.

6.

WIFEHoney, do what he says. I heard they have the plague.

PRAIRIE DOGWhoa, hey, Lady. Stereotype much? Geez...

EXT. FOOTBALL SIDE LINES - CONTINUOUS

ATHLETIC DIRECTOR PESCATORE(60-70), a Jersey Wife, approaches Coach Murray and she is not amused.

DIRECTOR PESCATORECoach Murray...

COACH MURRAYAthletic Director Pescatore, how are we doing on this fine winter's eve?

DIRECTOR PESCATORENot well. It seems your squad is playing with more passivity than usual.

FOOTBALL FIELD

A Tiger's defensive-back drops to the ground and covers his head as a Bakersfield player runs by him with the ball.

FOOTBALL SIDE LINES

COACH MURRAYWell you can't blame me for that. I specifically told my players to not be afraid of getting paralyzed.

DIRECTOR PESCATORECoach Murray, it seems you've forgotten about this schools tradition of winning.

COACH MURRAYHey, I won it all my first year, didn't I?

7.

DIRECTOR PESCATOREPlease. Any other bonehead would have done the same thing, had they the same talent recruited by your predecessor.

COACH MURRAY(solemn)

Coach Kelley taught me everything I know and I will always be honored he chose me to follow in his footsteps. I just hope that wherever he is right now, hes watching this game.

DIRECTOR PESCATOREWell, I suppose that would all depend on whether his cell block has cable or not.

COACH MURRAYYou know, we should send him a care package?

DIRECTOR PESCATOREListen, Murray, If your team doesn't turn it around by next year, I'll demote you to towel boy!

Director Pescatore shoves a towel into Coach Murrays chest, and he catches it with an "oof"

FOOTBALL FIELD

The Ref signals another touchdown by the Townies.

GAME ANNOUNCERAnd Bakersfield scores again. Boy, it sure looks like the Tiger's defense must think the Townies contracted some sort of prairie dog plague.

FOOTBALL STANDS

PRAIRIE DOG(prairie dog speak)

Really? C'mon, people. It's Twenty-fifteen. Open your minds!

8.

INT. FILM ROOM - DAY

Its the day after the Pansy Bowl and the team is in the film room. A frusteated Coach Murray is standing in front of a projection screen. Baskets of pansies fill the tables.

COACH MURRAYAlright, guys, congratulations on your losing the Pansy Bowl. Enjoy the flowers.

Jamal has adorned himself with a pansy necklace, a pansy crown, and pansy earrings.

JAMALHey, everybody look. I'm the Prince of Pansies!

COACH MURRAYNobody look at Jamal - Okay - now I know most teams would be letting you off to be with your families right now. But, If we're gonna turn this program around, we need to learn to be a little bit tougher out there. Which should be easy... Because we're Okies... And Okies have always been known for their toughness. Like... in the Grapes of Wrath...

Coach clicks a remote toward the projector and an iconic scene from the movie Grapes of Wrath is shown on the projection screen.

COACH MURRAY (CONTD)When Okies were poor and had nothin' to eat but dust... which... they ate outta their dust bowls.

Tom Joad is eating dust from a cereal bowl and motions, "It's not too bad".

COACH MURRAY (CONTD)But because of Okie toughness, they sucked it up and played on some great Tiger football teams.

Tom Joad wearing Thirtys Tiger football gear is running with a football down the field as a cloud-wall of dust bears down on him.

9.

PARKERCoach, I don't know where you acquired that version of the film, but in the original Steinbeck novel, the Joad family migrated west to find better economic opportunities.

COACH MURRAY(exasperated)

I don't know, Parker. It was so boring I couldnt even finish the whole thing. But back then everything was boring. Nobody ever smiled and color hadn't been invented yet. But they toughed it out and led the Tigers to multiple championships. Anyone else with an example of Okie toughness?

CHUCK WAGONHow about Tucker Sue, Coach?

COACH MURRAYExcellent, Chuck wagon. "Tucker Sue". One of the greatest college linebackers of all time and one of the toughest sons-of-bitches to ever put on a Tiger uniform.

JAMALCoach, is that the same Tucker Sue who murdered his "Twitter Followers" because they made fun of his girly name?

COACH MURRAYOne and the same, Jamal. And even though its not something I can condone, you still have to be impressed by the flat out strength it must have taken to Matryoska two hundred pairs of Twitter people.

PARKERMatryoska?

COACH MURRAYYeah, you know. Like the Russian nesting dolls. Except he did it with Twitter people.JAMAL

Ewww.PARKER

That's what I was afraid of.

10.

COACH MURRAY (CONTD)But it's Okay. He finally got what he deserved when he was executed two days ago with Governor Rison's very own death serum. Took him almost five hours to die. Now, that was one tough--

(wags finger)And popular, son-of-a-bitch.

PARKERI dont know, Coach. I think the most likely reason for Tucker Sue's prolonged departure was a result from the Governor defying a court ordered Stay of Execution and then using an untested lethal injection formula that basically tortured him to death.

COACH MURRAYThat's what I said, Parker. Tucker Sue was one tough son-of-a-bitch!

Jamal sees something on his phone.

JAMALHey, y'all, check it out. Governor Rison just tweeted. "Magic tatoo from ancient shaman priest kept Tucker Sue alive during execution. Hashtag, Go Tigers"-Yay, thats us!

Coach Murray gets an idea.

COACH MURRAYA magic tattoo, huh...?

INT. FANCY'S BAR - DAY

Coach Murray, Parker, and Jamal are sitting at the corner of a bar in a college dive-bar. It's adorned with Oklahoma Tech Tigers paraphernalia.

The bar tender, FANCY, a stout, headstrong woman brings over a pitcher of beer and pours one for Coach.

FANCYHere you go, Coach. Boys, Im gonna have to see some IDs.

There's a momentary tension and then laughter.

11.

JAMALOh, Fancy, you almost got us.

Fancy serves them.

FANCYLike my mama always says, You be nice to the gentlemen and theyll be nice to you.

PARKERThank you, Fancy. You are nice to us.

Fancy wipes the bar with a rag and rings the nastiness out into the sink.

FANCYMy mama also said that if you guys can't bring the Tiger Nation a better record next season, don't expect anything more than warm rag water in your beer".

Smiles fade as she walks away.

JAMALBoy, her mama was a complicated woman.

COACH MURRAYYou see, guys? This is what I'm talking about. Now we need to focus up and get down to the business of winning.

PARKERWell, Jamal and I tracked down some Division Two players who could be a good fit.

COACH MURRAYOkay, okay, that's an idea... But here's what I was thinking. What if we snagged Tucker Sue's magic tatoo? The team would be invincible!

JAMALAnd then you could keep your job for sure!

12.

PARKERI don't know, Coach. I think the real issue is the intrinsic dissonance that occurs when the application of the death penalty is set within a constitutional framework.

COACH MURRAYParker, I have no idea what you just said, but tell me this. Are you willing to risk not having a magic tatoo and miss a chance at greatness?

JAMALYeah, Parker, have some faith. Winning a championship is what we've always dreamed of.

PARKERWell, I suppose the tatoo could serve as a good luck charm. Superstitions can sometimes be a great motivator.

COACH MURRAYAlright! That's what I like to hear. A little motivation. But since this mission is so vital, I'm-a need a little more effort from both of ya.

JAMALWhat are you saying, Coach?

COACH MURRAYI'm saying we need to bring the Corange and we need to bring it hard!

PARKERAh - the word from the school fight song that was fabricated to rhyme with "orange".

COACH MURRAYYep - Okie Tech's very own. Grabbed it during the "Great Word Rush" of Nineteen-fifteen. And can anyone tell me what "Corange" means?

JAMALIt's "orange courage", Coach!

13.

COACH MURRAYThat's right, Jamal, "orange courage". A risk some may see as crazy and foolish, but in reality creates a stronger more vibrant Tiger Nation. So remember "We're Tiger Orange!--"

BAR PATRONS"We'll fight with Corange!"

ALL"To be the best In the land!"

COACH MURRAYI just hope he's not a zombie yet.

Jamal and Parker are like, "Whaaa?!

END OF ACT 1

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14.

ACT 2

INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Standing in a hospital hallway, Jamal is wearing a doctor's outfit, and Parker is wearing a "sexy nurse" uniform, with high heels, garters, and carrying a big black purse.

PARKERCould you please tell me again why I need to be dressed like a nurse?

JAMALC'mon, Parker. It's the only way we can get into the morgue. Doctors are always trying to find secret places to have sex with nurses. Don't you ever watch TV... or porn?

PARKERI'm just afraid we'll get caught. And why did you have to choose such a ridiculous pseudonym? "Doctor McSodomy".

Jamal's ID badge reads "Dr. McSodomy" and the pic is of a fat Black man with a heavy beard and glasses.

JAMALHey, I didnt choose the name. It was the only badge left in the doctor's lounge. And besides, you're nurse "Butterface".

Parker's ID badge reads "RN Butterface", and displays his grandmothers face who also looks similar to her Grandson, Parker.

PARKERUh, excuse me. That's a family name, and it's pronounced "Butterfah'chay".

JAMALWell... you do have a nice pair of gams.

PARKEROh... well thank you. Fourteen years of soccer will do that.

DOCTOR 1 approaches Jamal and Parker.

15.

DOCTOR 1Excuse me. What are you doing here?

PARKER(to Jamal)

Oh, great, we're busted.

Doctor 1 gets a closer look at Jamal's ID badge.

DOCTOR 1"Doctor McSodomy?"... Shouldn't you be getting prepped for surgery right now?

JAMALUhhh... right... Tell em' I'll be there just as soon as I find a place to have sex with this nurse.

DOCTOR 1Of course. Have you tried the morgue yet?

Doctor 1 points down the hall.

Parker and Jamal are pleased with their good fortune

JAMALNot a bad idea. Although, I might get this one confused with the dead bodies.

DOCTOR 1Nice.

Jamal and Doctor 1 high five and walk off in different directions.

PARKERJerk.

JAMALI'm sorry, baby. I'll make it up to you.

Parker jerks away angrily

PARKERI'm not your baby!

Parker and Jamal passed DOCTOR 2

16.

DOCTOR 2Ay, McSodo-may, always scorin' with the butter-faces.

JAMALYou know it!

Jamal high fives Doctor 2 and then as they walk away, Jamal slaps Parker on the butt--

JAMAL (CONTD)Yeah!

INT. HOSPITAL MORGUE - NIGHT

Parker and Jamal are in the Morgue looking for Tucker Sue amongst all the bodies on the gurneys and in the refrigerator drawers.

PARKERI still dont understand how people think you're the real Doctor McSodomy? It seems like every one at this hospital is either racist or sexist.

JAMALWell, all us sexy people do look alike.

Jamal spots Tucker Sue on a gurney

JAMAL (CONTD)Hey, Parker, over here. I think I found him.

Parker comes over and looks at body of Tucker Sue.

PARKERYep, and there's the tattoo.

JAMALWow. Two hundred sacks in three seasons, and now look at em'.

PARKERYou know, Jamal, even though Tucker Sue committed unforgivable acts that will be forever stained in our collective minds, I think we should take a moment and remember the stages of life when Tucker Sue was a great football player... and not a psychopathic serial murderer.

17.

A moment is observed.

JAMALAlright, give me the hacksaw! It's time to carve this Turkey!

Parker pulls a hacksaw from his purse and hands it to Jamal.

PARKERHopefully, they drained the blood already.

With Parker holding Tucker Sue's arm off-screen, Jamal begins to saw away, spurting blood all over Parker.

PARKER (CONTD)Uungh!

INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF MORGUE - CONTINUOUS

Outside the double swinging doors of the Morgue, a female NURSE is carrying a tray of urine samples and listening to the commotion coming from inside the Morgue.

O.S. Jamal is breathing heavily while Parker makes noises of disgust. The nurse becomes increasingly shocked at what she thinks are sex noises coming from the morgue.

PARKER O.SC'mon, hurry up. My arms are getting tired.

INT. MORGUE - CONTINUOUS

Jamal and Parker continue with the work/sex sounds.

JAMALHold on. I'm almost there...

With a final "grunt" of relief, Jamal finishes cutting off the hand as he sprays Parker with more blood.

JAMAL (CONTD)Aaah... We did it. Nice job.

PARKERYuck! I'm soaked.

JAMALWell, the important thing is that I finished.

18.

INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF MORGUE - A LITTLE LATER

Jamal and a blood splattered Parker exit the morgue and come face to face with the shocked nurse.

JAMALUh... we were just, uh...

NURSEI know what you were doing, Doctor McSodomy. I thought that was our thing!

Nurse throws one of the urine samples in Parker's face.

NURSE (CONTD)Whore!

Parker calmly takes in the situation.

PARKERUgh, is that a Urine sample! It's at least sterile, right?

NURSE(to Jamal)

And you... How could you?

The nurse is about to throw the other sample into Jamal's face, when she's seduced by Jamal's puppy dog eyes. Then, in conflicted frustration, she throws the other sample into Parker's face and storms off.

A urine and blood-soaked Parker looks at Jamal with indignation as Jamal looks back at Parker with a good natured amusement.

JAMALMee-yow.

INT. DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Parker and Jamal are settling in from their adventure.

PARKEROh man, I can't believe we actually pulled it off.

JAMALI know. I just wish I could say the same thing about the surgery.

A drunk Coach bursts into the room scaring Jamal and Parker.

19.

COACH MURRAYDid you get it!?

JAMALAh!

PARKERAh!

PARKERGeez, Coach, can't you ever knock? I think you just gave me whiplash.

COACH MURRAYWell, if you kept your head on a swivel, that would never happen. Show em', Jamal.

Jamal swivels his head three-sixty one way and then back the other way.

PARKER That's not natural.

Parker brings from his purse, a zip lock bag containing Tucker Sue's hand and gives it to Coach.

Coach inspects the shamans tatoo on the hand.

COACH MURRAYNice! Now let's take this baby for a spin.

PARKERCoach, are you sure you want to do this right now? You seem pretty drunk.

COACH MURRAYParker, why don't you shut your dirty heathen mouth and watch the magic happen.

Coach squeezes the "hand", and concentrates. There's a knock on the door. Coach gasps in anticipation, opens the door, and it's the PIZZA DELIVERY WOMAN. Coach is elated.

COACH MURRAY (CONTD)Oh my god, it worked! It actually worked!

JAMALYay, the pizza's here!

Jamal takes the pizza from the delivery woman who then leaves.

20.

PARKERYeah, we ordered a little bit ago.

Coach is self-satisfied.

COACH MURRAYDid you? Or was it the magic tatoo?

PARKERNo, it was us.

COACH MURRAYParker, you need to cut it with all your plausible deniability bull crap. But I'll do it one more time so you can see just how wrong you are.

PARKERHey, Coach, maybe this time you should try wishing for a healthy quarterback.

COACH MURRAYShush! I'm concentrating.

Coach, once again, makes a wish on the "hand". He stumbles towards Parker's mini-fridge and to his own amazement, pulls out a carton of ice cream.

JAMALYay! Ice cream! It's a magic hand miracle!

PARKER(dejected - poutey)

That was my ice cream.

INT. PARKER'S DORM ROOM - LATER

That night, while Parker is sleeping, the clear plastic bag with Tucker Sue's hand, is taken from his night table.

INT. PARKER'S DORM ROOM - DAY (LATER)

The next day tempers flare when Coach Murray, Jamal, and Parker find that the hand is missing. Coach Murray is hung-over.

COACH MURRAYDammit, Parker, where'd you put the hand? I need a Bloody Mary, STAT!

21.

PARKERI swear it was right here last night.

COACH MURRAYI gave you one job...

PARKERWell, why did I have to watch it?

COACH MURRAYParker, you know very well about Jamals sleep-eating disorder.

JAMALA duvet is more filling than you might think.

PARKER(to Coach)

It was your idea to leave it here. Why couldnt you keep it?

COACH MURRAYYou know very well how drunk I was last night. If I kept it, wed all be fighting for the Scottish War of Independence right now. In fact, I bought this mace just to be on the safe side.

A "ball and chain mace" is revealed.

PARKERThat's crazy. Everyone knows Scotland is better off as part of the United Kingdom.

In stunned rage, Coach lets the ball of the mace drop ala Brave Heart.

COACH MURRAYFreedom!

Coach swings the mace around and crushes a smiling jack O' lantern lying on Parker's pillow.

PARKERAhhh, my pumpkin!

COACH MURRAYAnd Im sick of all your stupid jack O' lanterns! Halloween's been over for two months!

22.

Jamal sees something on the ground.

JAMALHey, Parker, is this your pretty little yellow scarf?

PARKERNo. But it might be a clue.

Jamal picks up the lacy red and yellow paisley scarf and sniffs it.

JAMALIt smells like Axe Body Spray and sheep-taint.

Coach has an idea of whom it might be.

COACH MURRAYTakei!

EXT. SPORTS BAR - NIGHT

At the edge of a small college town sits a sprawling Dave and Busters sized sports bar. On the roof, a foreboding statue of a large neon sheep stands upright on two hoofs wearing a pagoda Hat and holding a shepherd's crook. It looks off into the distance with a maniacal crazy-eyed grin.

INT. SPORTS BAR - CONTINUOUS

Jamal, Parker, and Coach Murray are standing at the host station waiting to be seated. The atmosphere is that of a surreal circus, with the theme of the Oklahoma A&M Shepherds, and shepherding omnipresent throughout the sports bar.

PARKERCoach, are you sure its a good idea to be at the sports bar of our hated cross-state rivals. Especially after they beat us for the first time this year.

COACH MURRAYHey, it's not my fault he owns this freak show.

JAMALGuys, relax. I promise this will be the most fun you'll ever have in Rush Creek.

23.

PARKERWait a minute. You don't mean--

JAMALThats right... "Monkey Rodeo".

Parker squeals in anticipation.

PARKERSqueee!

MONTAGE

Under the banner of "Monkey Rodeo Town", COWBOY MONKEYS are riding on SHEEP, then RABBIT ROPING, then BARREL RACING, then BIG HORN SHEEP BUCKING.

TWO COWBOY MONKEYS are standing to the side of the arena spittin' chaw during the Big Horn Sheep Bucking.

END MONTAGE

Continuing at the Big Horn Sheep Bucking, a COWBOY MONKEY is bucked off.

A MONKEY RODEO CLOWN comes out to distract the sheep but his clown shoes are tied together. He trips and falls to the ground where he's gored by the big horn sheep.

His MONKEY RODEO CLOWN WIFE comes out, cradles his head, and weeps as life slowly fades from his body.

The two monkeys spitting chaw, give each other knowing looks before money is exchanged and they mosey off in different directions.

The crowd watching, including Coach and Jamal, all turn their backs in unison with a "stomp", like "they saw nothin".

Parker appeals to Jamal.

PARKEROh my god, Jamal! Did you see what just happened?

JAMALForget it, Parker... Its Rodeo-Monkey Town.

Then with the theme from the movie, Chinatown, the camera does a slow cinematic pull back from the grieving monkey rodeo widow clown, revealing a Rodeo-Monkey Town sign.

24.

PARKEREh... Still doesnt make it right.

JAMALWell, if thats not your cup of tea, I know you'll just love how everything here is so multi-cultural.

The guys are startled by a HOSTESS wearing a cowboy outfit and geisha mask. The mask has the same maniacal face as the iconic neon sheep that sits atop the building. She speaks with a loud, stilted twang.

GEISHA/COWBOY HOSTESSWelcome to Taiwan Jon's. Home of our World Famous Cheese Balls.

END OF ACT 2

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25.

ACT 3

INT. TAIWAN JON'S - NIGHT (LATER)

Coach, Jamal, and Parker are led through Taiwan Jon's by the Cowboy/Geisha hostess

The Taiwan Jons logo of the, Maniacal Sheep adorns all types of souvenirs. Plastic cups, hats, sparkly shirts. A lower back tatoo.

Like the hostess, other servers and bartenders are also wearing mixed ethnic dress. All the masks have the same expression as Taiwan Jons iconic sheep.

Sheep herding and sheering competitions are playing on the multitudes of televisions. Faint haunting sounds of, baaing, and the occasional, bleating can be heard. Maybe the instrumental part of Pink Floyds "Sheep" is playing.

Parker, Jamal, and Coach are seated in the dining area.

In the background, the Monkey Ambulance wheelbarrow is carting away the dead monkey rodeo clown who is followed by his grieving wife.

PARKERCoach, why is this place called "Taiwan Jon's"? I thought Coach Takei was Japanese.

COACH MURRAYHe's quite the savant when it comes to misdirection. That's how they beat us at bedlam this year.

SMASH CUT:

EXT. OKLAHOMA A&M'S DANIEL PLAINVIEW STADIUM - DAY

The Oklahoma A&M Shepherds' football team is lining up against the Oklahoma Tech Tigers. We see the action on the field as the ANNOUNCER calls the game.

ANNOUNCERThirty seconds left in the game and the Shepherds have the ball - down by six. They line up in a spread formation. And... now... it looks like A&M quarterback CHET DONOVAN is heading toward the sidelines. Awww... will you look at that.

26.

(MORE)

He's stopping by to pet Dolly, the darling mascot sheep.

DOLLY is wearing a pink Shepherds jersey, and pink bows on her head.

ANNOUNCER O.S.Wait a minute. Now it looks like he's softly kissing Dolly on the back of the neck?

The Tigers team is mesmerized at this turn of events.

ANNOUNCEROh, lord, what's going on there! And back to the game, the Shepherds hike the ball to the tailback and he strides in for the winning touchdown. Running through an understandably confused Tiger defense.

The Oklahoma A&M players celebrate.

ANNOUNCER O.S.Another genius misdirection play from Coach Takei. Well Ill be. Now it looks like Chet's trying to get out of a morning brunch with Dolly's parents. Whoa Nelly - Whooo'da thunk it.

INT. TAIWAN JON'S - LATER

COACH MURRAY(regretfully)

Shoulda saw it coming.

Jamal is looking at the menu.

JAMALLet's order. I'm-a have the cheese-food fondue with the stuffed beef curd haggis and the calamari pork pie.

Jamal hits a button which makes the sound of a sheep bleating. He continues until Parker has had enough.

PARKERJamal, please!

27.

ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)

An "Indian" server, INDIRA EAGLE FEATHER appears suddenly at the table. She's wearing an Indian Sari, an Indian mask with a third-eye bindi, and a Native American head dress. She speaks with a loud twangy stilted voice.

EAGLE FEATHERNamaste and "how"... are y'all doin tonight? My name is Indira Eagle Feather and I will be your Customer Maniac. Could I start y'all off with our world famous Sweet and Sour Cheese Balls?

JAMALYeah-yeah, yeah-yeah!

Eagle Feather sets a plate of bubbling and oozing, crust encased, "cheese balls" upon the table.

COACH MURRAYUgh! Are those varicose veins.

EAGLE FEATHERThank you. I'm glad you asked. First we start with a heapin' helpin' spoonful of our sassy n saucy organic cheese-food. Then we carefully pour all that gloopy-oopy goodness into sinewy sacks of sheep guts. Roll it in our tangy cowboy batter. Then deep fry it to a golden purplish red-ish brown, just for you.

Parker sniffs the Cheese Balls and gags.

PARKERUngh.. That is so disgusting!

Jamal, enthusiastically, reaches for one with his fork.

JAMALI think you mean "delicious".

EAGLE FEATHERCareful. They could be hot.

Jamal is about to take a bite from the bubbling "Cheese Ball" when Parker knocks it out of his hand. It splats against a nearby chair leg, making the DINER fall back in his chair.

JAMALNow that's-a-spicy cheese-ball!

28.

Peering from the doors of the kitchen, Coach sees two masked Maniacs" whispering and pointing toward the table.

One of the maniacs is wearing a dashiki, a LEPRECHAUN mask, an Irish hat, and carrying a shillelagh.

The other one is wearing an apple cheeked DUTCH GIRL mask, blonde pig-tails, dutch hat, and an arabic "40 thieves" outfit with scimitar.

COACH MURRAYLook. I bet those freaks over there might know something.

Coach and Parker begin to get up.

JAMALHold on...

Jamal attempts to take a bite of another Cheese Ball.

PARKERNo!

Once again, Parker knocks the Cheese Ball out of Jamals hand. The Cheese Ball splats in the middle of another table, which then implodes, leaving the table's OCCUPANTS in shock.

INT. TAIWAN JON'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

The two Maniacs lead Parker, Jamal, and Coach through the swinging doors and into a huge industrial sized kitchen where they pass disemboweled sheep hanging from hooks and sheep heads laying out on the counters.

They also pass by two masked cooks who are ladling cheese sauce from boiling vats into sheep guts. One is wearing a ZULU WARRIOR mask with a little bo-peep outfit and crook. And the other is wearing a monocled mask, a TUXEDO, a bowler hat, and a cane, as he stands on two goat legs.

EXT. ALLEY BEHIND TAIWAN JON'S - CONTINUOUS

Parker, Jamal, and Coach continue to follow Leprechaun and Dutch Girl out the kitchen door and into the back alley.

JAMALWhered they go!?

From Jamal's POV, four large shadows loom upon the wall, and then with three knocks, everything goes black.

29.

EXT. ALLEY BEHIND TAIWAN JON'S - LATER

When Jamal opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is the wide eyed grinning mug of COACH TAKEI - The model for all the Taiwan Jons iconic faces. He's styled in a yellow scarf, Hawaiian Shirt, and Panama Hat. Coach, Parker, and Jamal are all sitting against the alley wall with their hands tied behind their backs

JAMALWha, what happened?

Coach Takei is joined by Dashiki Leprechaun, Arab Dutch Girl, Zulu Little Bo Peep, Tuxedo Goat, and Dolly the mascot sheep.

Coach Takei behaves like a throwback effeminate villain.

COACH TAKEIGreetings, Coach Murray. I'm so glad you could find the time to attend our little show. I trust my Maniacs have provided excellent customer service?

Dolly bleats and the henchmen snicker in delight.

COACH MURRAYWhat do you want, Takei?

COACH TAKEIOh, Coach Murray, why should I want anything when I already have it?

Takei pulls Tucker Sue's hand from a satchel and raises it above his head. Dolly and the henchmen laugh with glee.

COACH TAKEI (CONTD)I cant thank you enough for doing all our dirty work for us.

COACH MURRAYLet us go, Takei. You'll never get away with it.

COACH TAKEIOh, but I think I will. Because, you see, I now possess the very thing that helped Tucker Sue conquer death for all those long hours after his fatal injection. And now that I have it, the Shepherds will once again be triumphant at Bedlam.

30.

(MORE)

And then, if I dare suggest...(wrings hands)

The National Championship?

Takei and the henchmen laugh and snicker.

COACH TAKEI (CONTD)And now watch, as I conjure to life, the greatest offensive line in the history of football!

Takei laughs insanely as lightening crashes. He gathers his henchmen and gives instructions to Dolly.

COACH TAKEI (CONTD)Dolly, stand watch. Make sure these pathetic little losers don't try anything funny.

Dolly "baas" in understanding.

A shamanic incantation begins as the henchmen encircle Coach Takei.

Coach Murray whispers to Parker and Jamal.

COACH MURRAYGuys, I don't like this. I don't like this at all.

Parker sees Dolly.

PARKERJamal, remember? From the hospital.

Parker nods over towards Dolly.

Jamal, once again, makes his puppy dog eyes as he tries to get Dolly's attention.

JAMALHey, girl, you sure look cute in those ribbons and bows.

Dolly looks around to see who Jamal could be talking to and then "baas" at Jamal.

JAMAL (CONTD)Yeah, girl, I'm talking to you. Why don't you come over here and chill for awhile?

Dolly blushes and comes closer to Jamal.

31.

COACH TAKEI (CONT'D)

JAMAL (CONTD)Yeah, girl, that's right. You know, I was thinking that, uh, if you untied me, maybe you and I could have a little fun.

Dolly "baas" in apprehension.

JAMAL (CONTD)Naw, girl. I aint like that. Listen...

Jamal begins to pitch woo to Dolly, and then Coach tries to help by whisper-singing Jon Bon Jovis, "Bed of Roses". Parker joins in moments later with background humming.

JAMAL (CONT'D)I know you've had other guys who would just use you and walk away. And I know you've been hurt more times than you'd like to admit. But I promise girl... this time, I'll treat you the way you deserve. Bring you breakfast in bed. Brush your soft fluffy wool. Have brunch with your parents. Girl, you gotta believe me - There aint nothing I wouldn't do to make you happy.

COACH MURRAY

I wanna lay you down On a bed of roses

For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails

I wanna be just as close as the Holy Ghost is

And lay you down

on a bed of roses.

Dolly baas and unties Jamal who then unties Coach and Parker.

Coach Takei's continues with the ritual.

COACH TAKEIOh, Magic Hand, please bring the Shepherds an effective right tackle. Someone with basic reading skills and a relatively clean criminal record.

Down the alley a large silhouette can be seen approaching through the mist.

COACH TAKEI (CONTD)Oh, my, arent you a fine specimen.

A Zombie-like Tucker Sue emerges from the mist with a stump where his hand should be.

32.

TUCKER SUEGive me back my hand!

COACH TAKEIWho are you?

TUCKER SUEI'm Tucker Sue. How do you do?

COACH TAKEIIm fine, thank you. You're a very polite gentleman, but you can't have my Magic Hand. Get em, Maniacs!

The Maniacs attack Tucker Sue with their shillelaghs, crooks, scimitars, and canes.

Coach, Parker, and Jamal are watching in amazement.

PARKERI cant believe Coach was right. Tucker Sue actually became a Zombie.

Tucker Sue quickly dispatches each Maniac then rushes toward Coach Takei, who throws the hand in terror.

Coach Murray grabs it out of the air and yells to Parker and Jamal.

COACH MURRAYI got it! Let's go.

Coach Murray, Parker, Jamal, and Dolly run back into the kitchen with Tucker Sue following.

TUCKER SUEGive me back my hand!

INT. TAIWAN JON'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Coach, Dolly, and the guys run through the kitchen, but before they can reach the dining area, Indira Eagle Feather steps in front of the doors.

COACH MURRAYStep aside, Eagle Feather. We got places to be.

Two more sets of arms holding hatchets appear from her sides, transforming her into the Hindu Goddess, Kali Ma.

33.

COACH MURRAY (CONTD)Oh no! Its Kali Ma!

She takes a swing at Coach's head. He ducks and the hatchet slices away a little of his hair.

They turn around and see Tucker Sue approaching.

PARKERWere trapped.

JAMALHold on. I have an idea.

Jamal opens a refrigerator labelled CALAMARI and beckons inside.

JAMAL (CONTD)Come on, get up!

A HUMAN SIZED OCTOPUS emerges from the refrigerator and is greeted by Jamal who's holding a variety of knifes.

JAMAL (CONTD)Calamari, if you be victorious in battle today, your life shall be spared and name forever consecrated as a mighty gladiator.

The octopus furrows its brow, pounds its chest in salute, and turns to engage Kali Ma in battle.

JAMAL (CONTD)Kali Ma! Meet Calamari!

Calamari attacks Kali Ma.

Meanwhile, Tucker Sue has Coach trapped in a corner behind a vat of boiling cheese-food.

TUCKER SUEGive me back my hand!

COACH MURRAYNever! You un-dead Zombie creature from hell.

TUCKER SUEWhat? I'm not a Zombie.

COACH MURRAYYou're not?

34.

TUCKER SUENo. I was left for dead in a coma after those idiots botched my execution.

COACH MURRAYMan, you really are one tough son of bitch.

TUCKER SUENow give me back my hand...

(grabs Dolly)Or this sheep gets it!

JAMALDolly! Please, Coach, do what he says. Hes gonna kill Dolly.

COACH MURRAYNever! I cant... We need it. Its... its the only way we can ever win... or get free ice cream.

PARKERCoach, listen... We don't need the hand to win. Because... like you said, we got "Corange". Which, without that... completely unnecessary word - maybe Jamal doesnt seduce an exploited mascot sheep - or convince a giant octopus to fight an ethnically confused version of a Hindu Goddess.

They look over at the continuing battle between the octopus and Kali Ma.

JAMAL(cheerfully)

If he loses, I can still eat 'em.

PARKERBut you know what else we got, Coach? We got you. And with your leadership and wisdom, theres nothing in the world that can stop us from going all the way. Coach... you're our magic tatoo.

Coach looks to Jamal.

JAMALOrange Courage, Coach.

35.

Dolly "baas" in agreement.

Coach reflects, takes a breath, and reluctantly gives in.

COACH MURRAYOkay. You guys better be right.

Coach throws the hand into the vat of boiling cheese-food where it breaks apart and dissolves away.

TUCKER SUEAhhh! My hand! Now you all gonna die!

Jamal chuckles about Tucker Sue's name.

JAMAL"Tucker Sue"? Man, shouldnt you be wearing a skirt or somethin'?

Tucker Sue growls and attacks Jamal. Jamal swivels his head 345 degrees and "screams like a little girl".

JAMAL (CONTD)Aaaah!

Dolly sees that her beau is in danger so she charges and butts Tucker Sue into the vat of boiling cheese-food.

As his flesh melts away, Tucker Sue ekes out his last words.

TUCKER SUEAhhh, it burns, it burns... but not as much as the lethal injection, ahhh...

Coach Takei marches into the kitchen brandishing a scimitar.

COACH TAKEIMurray! Give me the hand, or I'll take your head!

COACH MURRAYYou're too late, Takei. I threw it in the cheese-food.

COACH TAKEINo!

When Takei reaches into the vat to retrieve the hand, he screams in pain. Pulls out his arm and stares in horror at the melted stump.

36.

COACH MURRAYNow's our chance!

Coach, Parker, Jamal, and Dolly run for the door.

COACH TAKEIKali Ma, seize them!

They run through the door past Kali Ma who swings wildly with the giant octopus wrapped around her face.

Kali Ma cuts off one of Calamari's tentacles as it falls to the floor. Then, with the door is still swinging, Jamal reaches back through and snatches the tentacle.

Coach Takei shakes his stump above his head.

COACH TAKEI (CONTD)Murray!!! You can run all want, but you'll always be a loser! Always!

Takei LAUGHS MANIACLY as the henchmen run to his side.

He calms down and looks at his hand.

COACH TAKEI (CONTD)Ow. That was not very smart.

Then looks at the henchmen with disdain.

COACH TAKEI (CONTD)Does the cheese-food really need to be this hot? I mean c'mon. This is ridiculous.

In the background, Kali Ma and Calamari continue their fight.

END ACT 3

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

37.

TAG

INT. FANCYS - DAY

Sitting at the corner of the bar with Coach and Parker, Jamal is happily munching away on a fried octopus tentacle and feeding some to Dolly who is dressed in Grandma Butterfa'ce's nurse's uniform.

Jamal catches Parker "lookin", and gives him a "what-up" nod.

JAMALYo, Parker, whya gotta be lookin' at my little lamb so much. You jealous? You should be.

Jamal and Dolly give each other the, "what up", nod.

PARKERYou know, at some point, I do need to return that outfit to Grandma Butterfa'ce.

JAMALI promise you can have it back tomorrow. By the way, can I use your glasses tonight?

Parker looks at Dolly.

PARKERNo, you may not use my glasses.

Fancy is wiping down the bar and talking to Coach.

FANCYI tell ya, Coach, it really must-a taken some courage to just throw away a good luck charm like that.

COACH MURRAYWell, Fancy, I guess I decided it was better to have faith in my team rather than some doohickey that could've easily brought this town another championship.

Coach Murray and Fancy suddenly become cognizant of that lost opportunity.

Fancy calmly squeezes her wipe rag into Coach's beer, soaks it thoroughly, and squeezes it back into his glass.

38.

FANCYYou disgust me.

Coach looks in his beer and switches his mug with an annoyed Parker. Then toasts the mugs together.

COACH MURRAY (dryly)

Drink up, smart guy.

JAMALHey guys, check it out. Capital Punisher just tweeted. "Arizona inmate still alive seven hours after execution".

Coach and Jamal look at each other with excitement.

COACH MURRAYJamal, you thinking what I'm thinking?

PARKERNo, no, no!--

JAMALRoad trip!

COACH MURRAYRoad trip!

PARKER (CONTD)Noooooo!

(sigh)I'll go get the hacksaw

FADE OUT.

THE END

39.