Poetry blurbs (hell, all blurbs) are annoying exercises in establishing pecking orders and brand recognition. Here are some truthful blurbs people might think but not write.
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BLURBS PEOPLE WILL NOT HAVE THE BALLS TO WRITE.... 1. "A
brilliant new COMMODITY (I AM ALREADY THE MAJORITY STOCKHOLDER SO
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! SEE ME IF YOU WANT TO BUY SHARES) has
arrived on the scene, and just in time...I have always asserted
YADDA YADDA TWO-BIT SVENGALI YADDA YADDA..." 2. "I have no idea who
this person is, nor have I had the time to read this book, but
putting my name on the back of it (in and of itself) is cultural
capital so I'm putting my name right...HERE!" 3. "If you read
between the lines of what I'm saying, you'll realize my hyperbolic
praise is obviously merely that, and the cognoscenti will know by
my clever use of the word "accessible" that I deem this book
literary roadkill, and quite flyblown at that..." 4. "What have you
done for me lately? Yeah, so this is a book...." 5. "When I wrote
"a book to end all things," I actually meant I keep it at the end
of my wall bookshelf where sun exposure is maximal....that way none
of my valuable titles will have to list on EBAY with "some
fading"....only this piece of shit.... 6. "Cedar bedding is so
expensive. My hamster looks cold. Thank you so much for thinking of
both of us..." 7. "I can't remember when not reading a book has
given me so much pleasure. I hope to re-experience this pleasure
many times throughout the years..." 8. "This book should come with
aspirin (for obvious reasons), a chisel (to scrape out some
meanings between the lines), a coffin (for the death of literature)
and a slingshot (to take out the windows of the chain bookstore
where it came from)." 9. "This book is so sure of its own greatness
that I propped it up in front of a mirror, so that it might
continue to bask in its own glory for centuries. The beauty of this
act is that it spared me the indignity of reading it..." 10. "I
traded him my book for this, but I really think God should reward
me. I mean, I gave him a Lamborghini and he gave me one of those
combustible Pintos with the bucket seats...." COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU
COULD HAVE WRITTEN AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE....FESS UP....
