Poet Tree: Volume One - Forrever Memories (Full Version)

8/7/2019 Poet Tree: Volume One - Forrever Memories (Full Version)

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Poet Tree: Volume One – Forrever Memories

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Poet TreeVolume One

Forrever Memories

Poet Tree




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Forrever Memories

by Poet Tree

www.forrestfyr.com

[email protected]

Copyright © 2010 by Poet Tree

All Rights Reserved

This book of parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in a retrieval system, or

transmitted in any form by any menas – electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, orotherwise – without prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United

States of America copyright law.

Published by Forrest Fyr

International Standard Book Number: 978-0-557-37861-6

Printed in the United States of America

Second Edition




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“I dedicate this book to Penny, who has been there for me throughout this

journey, always. I could not have accomplished this without you. I love

you.”




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Preface

I have always wanted to be a writer. I think I was born to be a writer, notnecessarily the best with big words but nevertheless I think I do all right. I

began writing a journal before I started creating Poet Tree and then boom I

couldn’t stop the flow of free verse within my fingertips. I would write a

poem only once without correcting or editing the context. This became my

diary, my living story as I saw it affecting my surroundings.

I have written over 400 poems since 1991 but this is the first published

collection of Poet Tree written by me. I describe my writings in this work as

a journal of my life experiences, from early childhood up through my

teenage years. I have recorded many life stories within this text for you toexplore. I hope you enjoy reading about my past trials and tribulations as

they may ease your pains and sorrows. You may relate to any or all of my

experiences. If anything though, I hope you get to learn a little bit about me

and what I went through in my earlier years of life. I wrote about my

struggle to live between the heterosexual world and the gay lifestyle for

which I had become more accustomed to through no fault or choice of my

own. You will soon learn more about this strife as you read on about my

memories that seem to last forever.

The feeling of this published accomplishment is overwhelming. I have tried

numerous times before now to transcribe my poems onto my PC and have

failed to keep track of them as I bought new computers along the way,

leaving my transcripts behind on those hard drives. Now thanks to my

perseverance I ran the race and finally won again. A job I hope you find

was well worth the read.

Although this series of poems were all written in 1991, I have tried to

include all details of their original work, especially when I start thinking

about writing. I first think of how I will start the poem. Next I take amoment to complete some recordkeeping as I am big on writing down dates

of occurrences and such. I record the current date and time before I begin to

contemplate what I was going to write, usually found by use of my watch.

Both the starting and ending times are important to me and perhaps those of

you who want to utilize this detail as a chronological personal diary, it is

quite useful to know when and how long it took me to create such a piece of




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art. Then I write the body of the text and then lastly I think of a neat title

then I write down when I finished the poem. If I listened to music to inspire

me, I would record this fact too. Most of my poetry is free verse. I have had

no technical poetry writing education but loved my high school English

classes. I hope I make my teachers proud. This is my challenge – to getpublished, to get known, to get recognized and to finally make history.

I know that having written the words within this sort of memoir over 17

years ago may seem a bit boring at first, as it is more important to me to

have been first published than to have written a masterpiece. You will see

the darkness and the light filter through my language of metaphors and

perhaps you will see my youth in the writing. I purposely have not edited

the works as I wanted to preserve the content written when I was younger

and not through the influence of my current experiences. You see I have

created history and preserved it for your pleasure and mine. God bless you.




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Table of Contents

Dreams .................................................................................................................................................. 11

“Memories serve me far too well” ......................................................................................................... 13

Saddened Hearts.................................................................................................................................... 15

Torn between two worlds ...................................................................................................................... 17

The pain returns..................................................................................................................................... 20

Wishing I had him back ......................................................................................................................... 22

Memories returning ............................................................................................................................... 24

Forces invading my soul ........................................................................................................................ 25

Butterfly................................................................................................................................................ 26

Gone ..................................................................................................................................................... 28

Squirrels scamper about the meadow ..................................................................................................... 29

Our eyes meet ....................................................................................................................................... 31

Change.................................................................................................................................................. 32

Past and Present..................................................................................................................................... 33

Let Go................................................................................................................................................... 34

That Night ............................................................................................................................................. 36

Days of happiness fill my soul ............................................................................................................... 38

The Rake............................................................................................................................................... 39

Pain....................................................................................................................................................... 43

My Candle ............................................................................................................................................ 44

My Candle (part 2) ................................................................................................................................ 45

Endings ................................................................................................................................................. 47

The Ladder of Light .............................................................................................................................. 49

Buffalos March ..................................................................................................................................... 50

Out of time ............................................................................................................................................ 52

Sunshine................................................................................................................................................ 54

Fading Fast............................................................................................................................................ 56

Tempest Island ...................................................................................................................................... 57

Perfect Lover......................................................................................................................................... 59




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Tempest Island (part II) ......................................................................................................................... 61

Tempest Island III ................................................................................................................................. 62

I will conquer evil ................................................................................................................................. 63

You (part II, or Perfect Lover II) ............................................................................................................ 64

Tempest Island IV ................................................................................................................................. 65

Tortured Soul (becomes a memory forever) ........................................................................................... 66

Precious Jewels ..................................................................................................................................... 68

Tempest Island V .................................................................................................................................. 69

Desires .................................................................................................................................................. 71

I needed this .......................................................................................................................................... 73

Heaven or Hell ...................................................................................................................................... 74

Dead or Alive ........................................................................................................................................ 76

Temptations .......................................................................................................................................... 77

Mood Change........................................................................................................................................ 78

The Rake (part II) .................................................................................................................................. 80

Always .................................................................................................................................................. 84

Steps of Fire .......................................................................................................................................... 85

Taking Risks ......................................................................................................................................... 86

I go crazy .............................................................................................................................................. 87

Walking Alone ...................................................................................................................................... 89

In My Own World ................................................................................................................................. 90

Falling in love with you ......................................................................................................................... 91

Mirror of Hate ....................................................................................................................................... 93

You (part III)......................................................................................................................................... 94

The Test ................................................................................................................................................ 95

Away For A While ................................................................................................................................ 96

Do Not Dwell ........................................................................................................................................ 98

Where are you my friend? ..................................................................................................................... 99

Can’t Endure ....................................................................................................................................... 100

Who should I blame?........................................................................................................................... 102

Fire Mountain (part one)...................................................................................................................... 104




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Dead or Alive (part II) ......................................................................................................................... 106

Pure Torture ........................................................................................................................................ 108

Anchor ................................................................................................................................................ 110

(Storm) Cloud ..................................................................................................................................... 111

Y-Not .................................................................................................................................................. 112

Sacrifice .............................................................................................................................................. 113

Her...................................................................................................................................................... 115

Together .............................................................................................................................................. 116

Funky People ...................................................................................................................................... 117

Who is chasing me?............................................................................................................................. 119

No More Ink ........................................................................................................................................ 120

Crimson Soul ...................................................................................................................................... 121

Tempest Island VIII............................................................................................................................. 123

Until the Dawn Breaks ........................................................................................................................ 125

When the morning comes .................................................................................................................... 126

My Soul’s Shadow .............................................................................................................................. 127

Land of Enchantment .......................................................................................................................... 129

You (part IV)....................................................................................................................................... 130

I’m Human.......................................................................................................................................... 132

Hold Back ........................................................................................................................................... 134

My Only Weakness ............................................................................................................................. 135

All alone in this world ......................................................................................................................... 136

My soul is returning ............................................................................................................................ 137

Get out of my life ................................................................................................................................ 139

We will never part ............................................................................................................................... 140

Wire Basket......................................................................................................................................... 141

Sex without cost .................................................................................................................................. 142

Fall...................................................................................................................................................... 144

Nothing Matters .................................................................................................................................. 145

Alone in the darkness .......................................................................................................................... 146

Between the twilight............................................................................................................................ 147




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The Last Prayer ................................................................................................................................... 148

Vision of Darkness .............................................................................................................................. 150

Against the Wall.................................................................................................................................. 151

Road to Happiness............................................................................................................................... 152

Peace of Pleasure................................................................................................................................. 154

Tempest Island IX ............................................................................................................................... 155

Left Behind ......................................................................................................................................... 157

A Brisk Evening .................................................................................................................................. 158

Sleeping forever .................................................................................................................................. 160

Seasons only change............................................................................................................................ 161

Waiting For The Right Moment ........................................................................................................... 163

Tippy Toes .......................................................................................................................................... 164

Breath of Life ...................................................................................................................................... 166

You (part V) ........................................................................................................................................ 168

Wave Good-bye .................................................................................................................................. 170

Decisions ............................................................................................................................................ 171

Reflection of Happiness....................................................................................................................... 172

Woodland Fantasy............................................................................................................................... 175

Blind man............................................................................................................................................ 176

Dream Book (part 1)............................................................................................................................ 177

Waiting to Return ................................................................................................................................ 178




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01.23.91

12:45:00:pM

Dreams

Dark, blank and colorless

These dreams I have are evil

Messages stripped of their meaning,

Symbolism resides

A hollow tree filled with tears,

A stone cracked in half

A single rose among the desert

Withers in the wind

The sun blocked by a carpet of blackness

Life, desolate

Strange and haunting memories flow into a pool of hate

Clouds drifting among the silent sky

Form a mass of anger

The rose looks to the sky for hope

It begins to rain

The thunder, loud and dangerous

Chills my bones (additions 04:01:00:pM)

Lightning flashes amidst the dunes

Dust turned to snow as everything freezes

My soul encased in ice longs to break free.




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My mind filled with absent memories

As my body gives up hope, death takes over,

My petals fall to the ground.

My tears begin to freeze

A thorn twitches, it falls;

A ray of bright white light emits from the thorn’s home

My eyes are now wide open

Watching as destruction takes place.

04:13:00:pM




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01.22.91

“Memories serve me far too well”

Flying above all limitations

I came upon a mountain of

Unbelievable height

I could not fly as high.

So now I must try to climb over it.

This is a very difficult task for me to accomplish,

Always used to flying and soaring above all problems.

Now I am faced with this force that

I must deal with

Not near to the summit but trying so hard.

The sky looks grey and no promised of sunshine.

The ground shakes and the mountain trembles.

I fight to hold on.

I climb on further, a task too difficult.

In the distance a bird of beauty flies toward me.

I miss flying and get jealous.

The bird lands on a branch of a tree next to me.

I look at it and then my eyes meet its beauty.

I stopped and realized that this mountain must be conquered.

The sky brightens but a dark cloud looms near the horizon.

Life seems hopeless.




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The bird calls out my name.

I stutter…don’t know where to go.

I lie back against the mountain.

“I sit here lying on this mountain thinking to myself”…

”my memory serves me far too well.”

I cry…weep…my heart is torn as the earth opens up.

Memories fill the atmosphere. I close my eyes

And hope…I pray “Praying for Time.”

01:43:00:pM




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01.23.91

10:23:00:pM

Saddened Hearts1

Sadness fills my heart,

I never meant to hurt you.

Pain and suffering enter my soul,

As my eyes recall memories.

Can’t face the truth,I’ll never be able to open my eyes again.

I’m scared.

I pray that the future is brighter

I want to forget my past

Lonely and confused I sit thinking to myself.

Don’t leave this love for we can surely make it last.

My crying eyes beg you to stay

Love causes so much pain

Saddened hearts hold onto this lost love

And only you can stop the flow of my tears

I’m scared

I pray that the future is brighter

1Inspired by “Careless Whisper” and “A Different Corner” by Wham




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I want to forget my past

Lonely and confused I sit thinking to myself.

Don’t leave this love for we can surely make it last.

I miss you

I miss our love

I can’t live without you

I need you.




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01.27.91

08:54:00:pM

Torn between two worlds

My life unfolds

Secrets told

Grew attached to love

And then it happened

Together we unitedIn a sharing embrace

Curiosity became reality

My heart filled with true love

But sadness remained in one’s eyes

Voices silent,

Word more unknown

Distance took over

The road of life detoured

Turned away and forgotten.

Wishing nothing occurred

My heart torn apart

My body shook as the bond was stripped

My soul seeking hope

Love, denied.

No place to go




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No one to talk to

Pain is the voice I hear

Crying eyes fill the ocean of tears

But the dam breaks, my eyes open

Filled with terror and with fear

Can’t go on

My life, empty

Forever generic

Memories washed upon the shore

Shredded into a million thoughts

My mind suffered too

Tragic endings remain

Can’t let go

Won’t let go

Attitudes change as the snow arrives

Love seeps through the wall of in-between

My heart begins to tick again

Not so strong

Embraced a love that is untrue

Laughter filled our hearts

Love came and went as did the wind

Then honesty became known

I turn away and run

Scared of the future

I lock myself up in fear




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Trust remained as honesty faded

Eyes of desires seek the past

My heart, torn between two worlds.

-09:25:00:pM




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01.28.91

06:34:00:pM

The pain returns

Smiles gone forever

That look in your eyes

Brings me sweet delight

Tired of trying

My vision of hope

Covered by a blanket of tears

You were so good to me

Whispers spoken carelessly

Now that you’re gone

My life ended

I want to know more of you

Don’t hide, I’ll always find you

The path you took with me

Ended in my being hurt

Wednesday was the best day

But only holds true for one

You left me for her

Why do you try to change?

Your destiny

Love of another kind was destroyed

I’ll still in love




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I’m your man

-06:49:00:pM




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01.28.91

01:30:00:pM

Wishing I had him back

His picture doesn’t satisfy me

Remembering the times we shared

Pain sinks deep into my heart

He’s off in another world

His destiny now altered

Nevermore to return

Passion glows faintly as the sun sets

Darkness approaches

I’m lost, don’t know where to go

My legs are no more

I want my love to come back

Each day as the sun rises

I say a prayer

Along the wind my desire travels

Going nowhere (continued at 11:30:00:pM)

Trouble bothers my soul as it stretches

Out to find someone else

Awesome, can never be found again

Receiving the moments of love I felt

Could never be replaced

Unique is the boy I had




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Now my levity is forever banished

As my body refills with emptiness

-11:34:00:pM




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01.28.91

06:28:00:pM

Memories returning

Can’t take much more

How can I go on?

Feeling this way?

Love is distance

But a picture in my

Mind reminds me of

A warm hug

Silence is my only retreat

Longing for that day

To soon return

Temptation seeping thru my eyes

Tears wash my dreams

And with this my mind goes blank

I drown in fear

That the time won’t come

Never again

08:36:00:pM




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01.28.91

08:45:00:pM

Forces invading my soul

Dark haunting

Memories chill my

Very existence

Life beckons to

Stop the pain (anguish)

09:00:00:pM




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01.28.91

11:00:00:pM

Butterfly

The butterfly dances across the sky

Seeking happiness

In lands on a couple of flowers

But their nectar doesn’t satisfy her

She sees a beautiful red rose andSniffs its fragrance

The nectar was great

She visited that flower

Every day and sipped at its life

She fell in love with it

Soon winter came and so did the cold

The rose wilted and died

The butterfly hid from the winter inside her cocoon

And watched the death of the rose

Gone from this place, forever

Spring came and the leaves were ripe and green

The butterfly came out into the

Fresh air and flew to a field

Of newly grown flowers

She landed on a pink rose




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Its nectar was sweet but not satisfying

She misses the red rose

She cries in the bloom of a buttercup

That image of it dying still fresh in her mind

-11:13:00:pM




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01.28.91

11:15:00:pM

Gone

My eyes fall out and see no one else

Arms carrying the burden of pain

And legs not knowing where to go

The words I speak engulfed by sadness

Know nothing but anguishMy heart throbs painfully as each moment

Passes by

Assured that a sacrifice must be made

I sell my soul to heaven

My body buried beneath the sand

But my mind faces a tragic ending

Encased in ice my mind is hurled

Into a fire of forgetfulness.

Memories ripped of their meaning

I can live again.

-11:27:00:pM




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01.29.91

01:10:00:pM

Squirrels scamper about the meadow

Their tails hanging low

Trees sway as the mighty cold wind blew

Leaves turn grey and fall to the ground

Happiness meets sadness and

A bitter anger forms into an ocean of hate

Everything is a dream

No one is alive

No one is real

Whiteness turns into a shadow of darkness

Light, engulfed by regret

Is blacker than the sun

Moons of love fall apart

They collide and smash the very existence

Of life

Feathers falling from the empty sky

Birds eaten by the monster of hunger

Hungry for the past

Thirsty for the future

No water to quench my lips

But a mist of hatred surrounds the world

Selfish motives everywhere




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Burning desires strike the earth

Fires of fright smother the oceans

Stars exploding

Cellar doors open

A fog threatens the atmosphere

The attic is locked forever

Heat becomes frigid

Candles knocked over

Books are torn into shreds

One book survives

Its cover burnt

Pages torn

A squirrel climbs out of the ashes

Lies down on the soft pages

He sleeps, in the hands of above

-01:38:00:pM




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01.31.91

10:11:00:pM

Our eyes meet

We raise our hopes

Our lips kiss

Gentle windows blow our hair

Our bodies held close together

The full moon shines brightly

Our minds link

I know what you’re thinking

We are one

The love so strong

Will never shy away

Holding you in the light

Brings me awesome delight

A star falls

Our souls come together

We are lock and key

-10:17:00:pM




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02.10.91

09:59:00:pM

Change

Torn from a life of happiness

Imagination fading

Eyes face terror

Body meets change

The fight last foreverTurning toward heaven

Mortal meets the immortal

Eyes ripped and see reality

Love embraces my soul

I am no longer alone

-10:08:00:pM




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02.10.91

10:09:00:pM

Past and Present

Boring are the days of fire

Water is the liquid of the land

Curiosity takes advantage of the young

Eyes blind

Two years passFinally the pool moves home

Memories unfold

Taking a liking to Mars

Remember the shower of transformation

Gone is the time of the past

New beginnings are before me now

The moon of disappearance

Sits hidden in the sky

My heart of desire shifts

Begging for forgiveness

Lips sealed

My life is hers

-10:29:00:pM




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02.11.91

01:26:00:pM

Let Go

Travelling on magic carpets we rode to far away leads our minds led us

Creating a dream we hoped to accomplish

Thru time the knot was tied

The geese flew south as did my shadow

My heart had no rhythm

The knot loosened

One grew apart

The other got scared

His love hidden

But mine was not

Wanting to hear words from the heart

Which none did receive

The sans of time shifted slowly

Hurt filled the air

Clouds of change floated by my life

My mind opens up to the truth

Music sings and fear disappears

Dreams erased

But still one sleeps

Longing to let go




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My hands unclenched

-01:38:00:pM




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02.11.91

10:55:00:pM

That Night

The door closes behind us

No light can be seen

Hands by my wait

Reach inside

I do the sameTo the floor we both move

The feeling intense

Giving the best, I longed for more

Wanting the time to come

My heart soaring higher and higher

Holding each other close

My kiss meaningless

Departed in silence

Months go by and finally

The time arose

Lips spoke words of terror

Tragic endings torture my soul

My love thrown away

The lesson learned

My body used




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Gave the gift of experience

And forevermore both the same

-11:17:00:pM




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02.13.1991

Days of happiness fill my soul

To wish and to want are all a dream

A master of stubbornness we both are

So much alike in many ways

But we live so far

Love is eccentric

Lying there hidden is a special kind of friendship

Only two like us can possess




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02.20.1991

12:10:00:Am

The Rake

To a far away land I am taken

Our destiny is obvious.

She asks “Daj mi buzi” and I say

No, thrice

My lips wet with desire give inIt happens twice and thought of her

I beg for mistakes untold to be erased

That signature meant nothing

All night my mind at ease.

The sun rises as my mind starts to think.

Stone crumbles, Mountain sinks into the

Sea, the earth falls apart

Nothing is forever.

The taste of hurt embodies my soul

My eyes try to find a way out

Justification holds while truth is ignored

That night in the car he and she touched.

No regret was found and soon it was forgotten

The tool of the garden always in my hand

Part of my forever




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Unseen it may be, but never leaving

Hope is lost

My body shared

Lips are numb, the black is close by

Evil everywhere

I long to escape

Times of terror destroy me

Seeking the light

Needing water I sit in the fire of hell

My body chained

Danger lurking

The monster returns

Scared and helpless I run

Can’t go on

She’s in the distance

My legs disappear

Breath of desires lies before me

Teeth clenched

Holding onto the bead I pray

I lost my heart

He took it

Shut it down

Tears turn to steam as my body melts

Wanting to return

Resisting the flame the claw reaches near




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My body aches

I turn red my life is crimson

I am he

Blackness is the light

Nothing is safe

I look above and see dirt

No heaven, no earth

Where am I?

The song of slaughter rushes thru my soul

Killing love, worshipping hate

I go deeper

My mind in a bottomless pit

Ripped of soul I see death

Smells fires burning

He is wicked and he is bad

Green is the tree of nature

Leaves shine bright red

Wolves howl

The moon fully shines

The eagle rises and flies about

My wish, it dies

Nothing left

But memories

Haunting my mind is love

Fearing it might win




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The song fades

The moon now eclipsed the sky brightens

Scorpio and Aries collide, the flash turns

To daylight

My body returns from the ashes

I am whole again.

I move closer

She is there

Beautiful as the star above us.

We kiss – forgetting our minds

Crying forever it seems

Longing for desires to die

The rake is I and it starts to rain

Breaking in half is the desire

My wish comes true

The wall too high to cross over

I can breathe again.

-12:52:00:Am




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03.05.91

08:00:00:Am

Pain

Pain is my friend

Returning is the sense of stillness

My body aches in agony

My mind can’t render the pain

Can’t control this evilHaunting me till my eyes close

Running no more

The power to heal is just a dream

Seeking to overcome the force

Hands vibrating with a soft green glow

Relaxation sleeps

Can’t win, can’t give up

I’m lost in pain

08:14:00:Am




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03.24.91

09:25:00:pM

My Candle

Dark black candles standing in the wind

Calm night, cool air, no light

Flames shake the candles

Windows blow out the fire

Candles glowing insideMy heart, lifted

Candles burning with a dimming desire

The key lies on the wall

My candle, alone in the darkness

Singing to myself, of love, of lust

A crack appears, the candle melting

Dreams of tomorrow, saddened eyes close

The candle once strong, drained of life and energy

My heart tumbles, lost in flight

Winds cease and the flame shutters, candle rekindled

Back to life it shines bright as the star overhead

My candle, my love

09:39:00:pM




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03.25.91

10:32:00:pM

My Candle (part 2)

We became that everlasting candle

Flames came and went to light the way

The glow always disappeared

The full moon rises and we are one again

The bond stretched too farIt is breaking, withering hopelessly

Can’t fuel the fire any longer

Must move along the wall

Key in my hand – eyes open

Staying together as two beings

Friendship strong as stone doesn’t leave

Love makes its way underground

Reasoning beyond the wall

Legs, tired

Hands, untied

Voices, still

My soul returns regretting each step away

Thrown far above me is the answer

Blinded by fate

Choices are my desires




46

The wind doesn’t shift its course without reason

My mind sees the forked road

Unclear is my future

The taste of song still lingers

My ears forever hear all

Resting inside myself for a while

Sleepy are my eyes

Lying down in a place of serenity

The dream unfolds…

-10:56:00:pM




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03.26.1991

11:08:00:pM

Endings

Flowers faints

Trees fall

Kisses die

Love withering

Happiness alteredPurples fade to black

Desires faulty

Songs remember

Dreams shattered

Time slowly moves on

Hope corrupted

Friends replaced

Emotions frightened

Voices mute

Promises forgotten

Pictures erased

Visions gone

Phone off the hook

Letters unwritten

Words unspoken




48

Transportation is hatred

Roads forked

Souls abandoned

Minds uncontrollable

Bodies used

The gift of God vacates

Crawled back into my shell

Out of hurt

Weary is my heart

-11:35:00:pM




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03.26.1991

11:37:00:pM

The Ladder of Light

He climbs the ladder

The path to love

Slipping several times

Now he falls

In his heart and mindBut then stops for reasons unsure

Slowly he begins climbing again

Stumbling downward once more

The rungs are becoming icy

Soon no place to hold onto

Forever sliding, always descending

The ladder of light

-11:45:00:pM




50

03.29.1991

12:11:00:pM

Buffalos March

Roaming among the buffalos

Leaving the solitary angel

Leaving the shadow of desire

My body returns to when the earth was forming

My back now turned toward heavenLivening as a toy in this world

Batteries are forever

The toy never wearing down

Coming from out of the dark these animals return

Finding me, playing with the toy

Fires change color and melt the candle of love

More and more buffalos arrive

Can’t stop the stampede

Searching for the truth

My mind, downs in the water of lust

He is in the distance, perhaps still watching

Preparing revenge

Death is the only remedy

My shield of will is broken, torn apart

The sun may descend tomorrow




51

And I fall into a sleep of no dreams

-12:23:00:pM




52

03.30.1991

10:21:00:pM

Out of time

Shining in the darkness

My heart aches in pain

Thoughts are in turmoil

Confusion rattles my brain

The cup of love spilledOverflowing with a passion from before

Running against both good and evil

In my own little home

Shaken with fear my body tries to endure

My watch is smashed against the dead

No revival of light, eyes soon disappear

Trapped in a void of punishment

Hands too full, I drop everything and start over

Now I can’t return

No clock, no watch

No seasons, no heaven or hell

No good, no evil

The wall is crumbling to the ground

The key splits and falls on opposite sides

Trapped amidst the rubble




53

No way out

10:32:00:pM




54

04.01.1991

02:36:00:pM

Sunshine

Illusions are my friends

They are not real

Neither is myself

We are all but a dream unfolding;

His dream

Emotions exist only in the heart

No one cares

Love is just a miracle of hope

Sacred is a jewel, but what of a mind & soul? (03:20:00pM)

Sheltered from the light I long for

The steps are broken

The inner beauty of my soul sings out loud

Riding upon the horse of death I travel the road to heaven

Pitfalls stuffed with evil, roses stripped of their flower

All adorn the path to goodness

Lies cover all else

The sun will soon burn out & the moon will guide all in darkness

Lights shimmer within the coffin of earth

Opened only to find more evil & hatred

Water splashed about my face, I shun away




55

Water and key both unknown – dissolve in the sunshine

Truth behind the clouds

Sailing among other stars, time stilled

Dismal days are now, but tomorrow is a new vision

Waiting until the moon disappears

Here I sit hoping, envisioning a new beginning

-03:43:00:pM




56

04.02.1991

09:20:Am

Fading Fast

Gave all my life to that one soul

And now what is left is a deep dark hole

Let her know my heart

Now my life, an empty cart

More than love kept us together

But we knew it wouldn’t last forever

The bond we made

Wasn’t supposed to fade

Our lips outdated

Our souls invaded

Never again we will meet

Even at the end of this dead end street

The fire faded, no more flame

Cold as ice we are all to blame

-09:37:00:Am




57

04.04.91

01:12:00:pM

Tempest Island

More blue than the ocean tide

Deeper than the darkest hole

A storm is coming

Dark grey clouds hover above

Rain pours down

Lightning strikes the wave of time

Splitting into two bodies dying

No help is the fiery ball of light

For nights shadow is upon the world

Thunder laughing in hatred

Seaweed tangles the wandering hand

Gulls follow and rescue him

The darker times shine once again

All pearls hold a fool within

Her eyes drown, her voice overcome by thunder

Fallen onto the beach I lay

Sand softens my senses

The tempest stays

The wings still linger

She is the sea – surrounding me




58

01:42:00:pM




59

04.04.1991

04:28:00:pM

Perfect Lover

You, a beautiful dream

Where love is sacred

And the soul is free.

You, a waterfall of lust

Watering lips of passion

And a desire to fondle.

You, a magnificent unicorn

That magic can’t compare

And beauty can’t fathom.

You, a fairy princess

That dragons can’t harm

And swords can’t pierce.

You, a red rose

Where your fragrance overwhelms

And your thorns are knots of love.

You, my one and only true love




60

Which no one could ever replace

And I would never misplace!

04:51:00:pM




61

04.07.1991

04:47:00:pM

Tempest Island (part II)

Change flashing by

Raining and pouring

The storm becoming active

Lightning haunts all but the sea

The sea is all of my memory

All of my mind – even in honesty

Dark sky, whirl pools of death

Are before me.

The land I sit upon slowly sinking

Never gonna make it.Behind me is disease

The gulls have no beaks – no ears – no sight.

The sea splashes upon my mind and heart

Nudging my soul.

Body, stubborn

No pains – life unreal.

05:02:00:pM




62

04.11.1991

Tempest Island III

Cold water turns my mind

As winds bring back sweet memories

The storm has died down

The sea birds are lost

I’ve fallen into the ocean

I sink into the wetness of my eyes

Crying in torture

The water about me is calm and cool

But one spot bubbles with a harsh, cruel desire

Air is clogged with thick smoke

Where has this cloud of blackness come from?Surrounding my soul

The memories fade

I’m lost again, in a web of choices

Key sinks to the ocean floor

There it will stay




63

04.13.1991

10:39:Am

I will conquer evil2

Holding onto the light

I pray in anger and disgust

That my soul covered with the dirt of the devil

May once again be attuned to control.

May once again know respect in all aspects.

Shuttering desire to build up immunity,

Anchoring my heart to hers

Resisting fate I will conquer evil.

12:05:00:pM

2This is when I think I am becoming infatuated.




64

04.13.91

04:15:00pM

You (part II, or Perfect Lover II)

You, gracious as the evening clouds

Floating softly across the midnite sky

Where desires unfold and lips become aroused

Making everything a shadow except for you and me

As we lie side by side on a beach glittering

With silver sand in the light of the mighty moon above

Surrounded by the presence of Jesus himself

Who hath shed happiness into our souls and

Who protects us from the wanderers of the dark?

We are one – uniting into a force of never-ending

Love.

04:28:00pM




65

04.21.1991

01:26:00pM

Tempest Island IV3

Rising from the hot desert sand

I leap into the cool refreshing ocean

Love capturing my heart once more

Dark clouds still drift in the morning sky

Swimming deeper into a love I remember well

Waves full of happiness, encircle my mind

The heart shaped place where love is battered

By the sea of confusion is my home

Basking in the sunlight I gaze at the water around me.

She is here now and forever

Clouds and gulls threaten me no more

She is my boundary – the sea of safety protecting the very essence

Of a love that just won’t die.

03:02:pM

3This is when I fall back in love with Jessica, perhaps in the middle of going out with Shane, or when we first broke

up, and I slept with Mark, Paul, and Greg…then we started again…but shortly after, we ended it because of that

guy…exboyfriend from military and her doing stuff…also my love with her protects me from getting a disease such

as Aids. Revised 07.07.93 06:47:00Am




66

04.23.1991

011:22:00pM

Tortured Soul (becomes a memory forever)4

Dreams can be shattered

Hearts can be broken

But memories can never be erased.

Torn up poems and love letters

Will always be pieced together, not to find mockery and lies of the moment

But to discover that truth will remain constant!

Never forgetting the horrible pain – worse than hell,

For a lover to send such anguish upon my eyes

And set my lips on fire, speaking unkind but honest words.

Never will I send this soul another piece of my heart

For it to be mailed back in shreds!

No love could have matched mine.

Chasing a heart and soul to find it filled with games of revenge.

Overlooking her eyes and seeing nothing but torture for future plans.

A crystal heart cracked in half does more than foreshadow a break,

It’ll lead you to a road of torture.

Kissing a shell of deprivation – and realizing we shall not unite as one force.

4Note: when Jessica sent me back all those poems and collages I sent her, she wrote all over them, nasty words

and hurtful messages…I saved them all…I pieced everything back together…she cut them all up and put them in a

separate envelope and sent one big package…it is kinda neat that she did that…kinda romantic…I believe she

ruined my 2 voice tapes I sent her…but I kept hers. Revised 07.06.93 07:00:00pM




67

Desiring only me satisfies me not!

What of my inner self which is filled with

Those memories that will stay forever.

11:47:00pM




68

04.24.1991

01:17:00pM

Precious Jewels

Will this be agony?

Will I ever feel true love once more?

Sight is shuttered against them,

And now she fills my vision

Roses stepped upon by a heavy soul,

Love may have been silent but why must gifts of passion

Receive the hurt instead of the giver

I hate these games – detest them always

To test and to play do nothing but grief

Her friends know all – how come I stay?

Her voice not silent to all but me – should it be?

She is a girl I wish I knowest not

For now she’s become a chest full of precious jewels,

And the key is in her possession.

01:40:00pM




69

04.29.1991

08:15:00pM

Tempest Island V5

Comfortable is my mind,

As I sift my feet through the dry sane.

Happy and reserved my heart lies to sleep

Interrupted by the call of a fish

I look about and see a shiny fin skim the sea surface.

My eyes look deeper and behold a dolphin

The beautiful creature that I am tempted to capture.

I remember such a time of amazement

That I held such wholeness of beauty and love

But that ended in a sad outburst of tears.

Now my eyes turn toward that slim silver creature

It whistles and calls out my name but not to tease –

But as a friendly gesture many humans lack.

MY insides scream and fight the temptation.

It will work, I hope to God.

Never do I wish to cry – I don’t want that dolphin to die.

I just want to join its presence and hold onto its beautiful body.

5(Note: My troubles getting over Bob…and Jessica, and Mark and that bunch…Bob is the storm, Jessica is the

sea…and the gulls represent Mark and Greg and that other guy Paul..who is this dolphin? I bet it is Shane…oh

God!! It could have been Michael J. too, when he was coming to K-Mart. So far, I think it must be Michael J.)

Revised 07.06.1993 06:45:00pM




70

It can rescue me from the fate of the storm

Which slowly passes silently overhead.

It can rescue me from the gulls and possibly from the sea.

Do I want to leave or swim off to a new world of pierced walls?

We are much alike in Nature – but do our hearts fit like a puzzle?

The sea is now mixed – should I enter it?

Can I become a dolphin too?

Safest route is to friendship – but should I blame my ears which hear thesinging?

The music attracts my sexuality

Shun my eyes from the lovely sight?

I’ll sit and sleep and fantasize.

My gut will lead and fate will reveal what God has in store for me.

08:45:00pM




71

05.02.1991

01:49:00Am

Desires

Tearful eyes

Burning with pain and regret

Speaking softly is deaf to his ear

Agreed and contradicted

Sleepy and tired

My mind is exhausted

Untouched was not my body

Delving further and deeper into my soul

I reach that desire

Thrown to a distant place of nowhere

Control ticks once more –

Ever so slowly

Weakened by the old

Won’t last much longer

Short is my span of existence

Stomach ache begs to release the thoughts

The memory pushed to the far side of my head.

Life is forever damned

Others concerned are sorry too.

The devil took my reasoning away

No logic, no control




72

Just a tremendous desire.

02:00:00Am




73

05.03.1991

03:50:00pM

I needed this

Unchained myself

Let go of the gripping desire

Spoke words of leaving

Being involved no more

Listened to my heart,

And followed my friends’ advice

Released all tension as did his hands

No free from pain and anger and regret

I needed this

Gaining control

Sex no longer

The key is in my pocket

Locked in a room of restoration

At last the fires of desire burns out

Free is my body

Thank you

04:17:00pM




74

05.03.1991

07:31:00pM

Heaven or Hell

Concentrating on the unseen force

Wanting Him to come back into my life

But He never left, I did

Praying before my bedside

I ask for forgiveness

The ultimate challenge has been conquered

Looking toward heaven

Running toward the light

Soul free of all burdens

Rising up towards Jesus himself

Offering my love

Whispers float thru my mind

All the evil destroyed

Only goodness remains

Was my choice too late?

Fate is in control now

When did the scissors cut?

Tomorrow I will live, whether my home

Is heaven or hell

The Earth mistreated

Darkness blankets her soul




75

Heaven, a place of peace and protection

Happiness resides

Fill my soul once more

Enter it now,

And forever we will win this war.

07:55:00pM




76

05.04.1991

11:27:00pM

Dead or Alive

Lonely nights beckon at my feet

Running thru a field of voids

Cobwebs falling to the floor

Dried up bugs in the corner

Water, rusted and cold

Lifeless shadows disappear

Crows calling

Wolves howling

Bones are old and twisted

Chewed bits of the worm

The shovel lies beside

Stench worse than shit itself

Marble eyelids

Grazing upon the garden of Winter

Blizzards of poison

Cover my mind

Am I dead or alive?

11:56:00pM




77

05.05.1991

09:04:00pM

Temptations

Following me everywhere I go

Never giving up

He worships the master of temptation

I stood up under His love and

Damned the devil’s presence

He tried again

I never gave in

The horned creature crawled away.

Lying in my dream machine

Thinking of going downstairs

Gods’ light dim

The temptation finally destroyed

The black smoke emitting evil.

Shining bright is the road to Him

I pray in mercy & thanks

Awoke from a fantasy

Free of Satan’s grip

I have full control.

09:19:00pM




78

05.08.1991

07:58:00pM

Mood Change

Off and on our moods change so quick

Voices pounding other’s hearts

The shrill of hate penetrating deep

Far into the lines of friendship

Sparks flying and burning holes

Calling for a muzzle to silence

Assuming everything no matter what

Leads to a path of regret

I back off

Defending no one, not even myself

Waiting for a response

Suspended is my one and only thought

Why do we do this?

Shouting and violence are blind to

Quietness and passion

Start over

Begin again – forget all

Let time flow

Stop my heart nevermore

Pondering the fate of friends

Believing in yourself




79

Hold onto them in times of grief

Take strength to your soul

Wait, for time is on our side

Then, they will run

And want to try again.

08:19:00pM




80

05.11.1991

08:32:00pM

The Rake (part II)

As the sky fades away

I listen to the soft melody

Of the night air

Tree tops swaying in the breeze

Remind me of summertime

All alone

Outside in this terrible world

As star or two shines above

My lips are cool, I’m in wonderment

Counting the days till school is outSummer will be fascinating and exciting

Darkness is waiting outside my door

To capture my soul and take it

To the devil

But I am wide awake, nothing will

Penetrate even the surface of

Bad memories

Reoccurring lies and shameless doubts

Tremble my touch and send chills to the




81

Marrow of my bones

Why can’t we all live in peace?

Harmonious tunes, elegant fashion

And mindful of the attitudes of men

Overwhelming memories strike my home

Afar is my friend, yet he has been here

Beside me, always with me

Wish this time could forever

Thinking and feeling like a starry sky

Watching everything and everyone

I hear Satan climbing the stairs

He bangs the door

And I begin to write

He smiles and laughs a terribly evil laugh

Surface dead

Looting souls and escaping all goodness

To arrive in the tome of evil

Where ghosts scream and witches cackle

This dark cloud hovering

Above, this song of evil,

This tune too hard to hear

Withstanding all light sitting

In the dead darkness of hell

Falling so fast into the pit of

Shrieking souls




82

Calling upon the name of the black bird

Malicious crow and dead ravine

Blood toothed fools hit me and knock

Me into a world of helplessness

Breathing is scarce and my weakness

Seems open – ready to fall into the

Clawed hands of the evil faced devil

Red scars slashed across my face

Wounds too large to comprehend

Those crevasses filled with the poison

Of hell.

The fallen angel – just like a mirror of

Me

This white being falls downward

And hope is no more, we speak different

Languages and the chariot of fool’s gold

Blackened by the soot underneath

The feet of dead men burning in hells

Fiery fire pit

Let him take me, let me die

Help me, rescue this boy from the

Temptations set before him

God grant me the serenity

Hold me tight, unto your soul

And clutch my heart within your




83

Hands and tenderly lick the evil

Undone.

Save my soul, make me whole

Star shining bright, save me tonight.

08:55:00pM




84

05.12.1991

06:53:00pM

Always

Always by my side, He stands forever

Always praying when I kneel

Always offering guidance to the light

Always loving me no matter who I am

Always within my heart and soul,

Seeking hope to rescue me from troubles

Always here, always there

Always watching over me

Always fighting my temptations

Always forgiving

He is my lord, Jesus Christ.

07:01:pM




85

05.14.1991

10:17:00pM

Steps of Fire

Gorgeous flames stare at my eyes

That fiery beast that I love so much

So close, but still so far

I wish I worked

Desires overflowed but I calmed down

Looked back to see the flame move

My wood is cold and dry

Wanting to start a fire

To heat up my soul

Stuck between two opposing forces

Still always my vision to be clear

Seeing only the steps of fire

That he left behind.

10:26:00pM




86

05:15:1991

06:38:00pM

Taking Risks6

Life is precious yet lasts for only a short time

Death is a reward, rescuing you from pain

Foolish it is to take one’s life and throw it away

God will be blind to such a blasphemy

You’d be cursed in hell with no second chance

Taking risks and not caring

What I’m doing is so daring

If my fate is death then let it come

To the dead beating of the destiny drum

Tan and gorgeous the fire is hot

Something I want but haven’t got

Love is thin

Why do I always sin?

-09:02:00pM

6 I stopped writing a couple of times around 7 and 8pM)




87

05.16.1991

08:20:00Am/09:02:00Am

I go crazy

Clothes worn loosely if worn at all

The fabric brings comfort to the skin

Thread weaved thru dark material

Soon shirts are taken off

And pants pulled down

The object of abuse for the rest of the night

Why not just put a knife to my chest?

All my chances gone

How can I change my fate?

I think the end is truly near

Blood filled with poison

Took too much, gave my body up

Hope that my soul goes to heaven

Friendly voices hurt forever

All my fault!

As the sun rises my mind realizes the truth

More and more I go crazy till I know for sure

Control is now solid

It will become clay again

Scars left on body and in my mind

Happy only for a moment till I think again




88

09:38:00pM




89

05.17.1991

01:13:00pM

Walking Alone

Stab me more

You’re such a whore7

No communication

No wonder why we fight

When does this end?

Will it ever?

I don’t care

You should understand.

Yet realize not the reason

A big issue,

In my life,

Death to us all,

Surprisingly fast for me

Walking alone forever

01:25:00pM

7Originally is was “bore”




90

05.21.1991

07:16:00pM

In My Own World

Looking upon the lands of fantasy

The sun strikes my face

The wind roars and tries to blow fear

Into my soul.

High in a tree causes a new sensation

An outlook beyond imagination

Pine leaves are incomprehensible

What message lies below the horizon?

Comfortable yet I feel as if I

Travelled to the other world

Unlocked the door to reality

Is Natasha speaking? Or is God?

The smell of fast fresh air lightens my mood

I caution the unbeliever

A bird can see all happenings

As does the observer that climbs that high

In the distance creatures roam the field

I become weary and realize that I’m

Still here – in my own world

07:28:00pM




91

05.23.1991

07:39:00Am

Falling in love with you

Never thought it would be like this

I feel so secure

Satisfied and happy

Mysterious eyes you have, they sparkle

In the moonlight

I can taste your lips from here

Your kiss sends me to heaven

Moving as one, our bodies rub

I tingle with joy at the touch of your hand

Feels so good

Your mouth blows fiercer than a hurricane

And yet gentle as a soft breeze

Falling in love with you

Wanting more - somewhat greedy

Your smile and gaze deepens my interest in you

I can see your beautiful soul,

Full of kindness and understanding

Your words of humor make me laugh and lighten the mood

My love was never ending and will be from now on

No regret – no bad memory




92

I want to hug and caress you constantly

Your personality intrigues me

I want to know you more, how you think and act.

This is all part of a relationship that formed that nite

And whether or not I explode, you will always turn

Me on more than anyone else

I write this in all honesty

Can we be together, forever?

08:08:00Am




93

05.31.1991

12:35:00pM

Mirror of Hate

I gaze upon this mirror of hate

Why do I look the way I do?

Why do I see tearful eyes?

Help me; I’m drowning within my soul

All black and evil, where is the light?

Thought my eyes spotted the source

His image threatens me

Why? Why? Why?

Won’t this torture stop?

So many questions – where are the answers?

Lust fills my mind, but not of the right kind

There is a chance that time will heal

I am sure that this is real

12:48:00pM




94

05.31.1991

11:09:00Am

You (part III)

You, a soft blanket of never ending comfort which I will always hold close

to my heart and wrap you around me every night and I will never be alone so

long as you are here hugging my body which causes the greatest sensation, I

think it’s called love.

11:18:00Am




95

06.03.1991

09:41:00Am

The Test

Eyes looking, staring, gazing upon my helpless shell

Eyes smile and kiss me sweetly

Eyes behind masks yell out my name silently

This challenge, my resistance fails

I return the attractive eye and smile cautiously

Not touching his soul but admiring his aura

I see beyond looking

Can’t end my staring

My love is kind but so fast the bond was made

Desires unfold before my eyes

Craving and wishing, too excited, too confused

Silence became my friend for a moment of sadness

Eyes watered

My love stripped in half

Now sewed back together

This was a test, I failed

But then again I would have failed

10:08:00:Am




96

06.08.1991

10:04:00pM

Away For A While

I’m sorry for the things I say

I’m sorry for the things I do

This is not a game of give and take

No rules & no tests

Me for you & you for me

There are no locks binding our minds

Opinions never become secrets

Open to each other always

Plant your seed of trust & patience

Let it grow tall & wide

No affection & you turn away

Too much dims the meaning

Tears wash my eyes

Overlooking the possible truth

Is this real?

Should we continue?

Fall backwards & hit the wall of hurt

I will not go

The anchor has settled to the bottom

Of the sea of dreams

Days go by alone




97

The night is also lonely too

Has the wind ceased

Or is a hurricane near?

10:22:00pM




98

06.14.1991

01:19:00Am

Do Not Dwell8

You push, I ponder

Being totally the best

Scares me

The future grows nearer

Talking to each other in honest tones

Holding onto a love that doesn’t want to die

We think and speak truth

You’ll be mine to the very end

Not a lie, I love you

My hurting past, do not dwell

Crying in the distance – we are apart thinking

Late nights, short phone calls

I’m too young to be involved

Stay friends and save for later

We should have dated and slowed down

Your last wish to start over

And I don’t blame you

We are alike in many ways

01:33:00pM 8

This poem is about Shane




99

06.14.1991

06:12:00pM

Where are you my friend?

Dying to live longer, a more happy life

Wanting to change all of the past and the future too

Where are you?

Life is stricken with no hope to survive

Why live? Why try?

Where are you my friend?

Don’t hurt yourself, there’s no need

I’ll search and find you

I won’t let you go - I love you

Too much love, too much pain, too much hurt

Stand tall and I’ll always be by your side

Promising you freedom, giving you all my love

You’re always on my mind and in my heart

No time to talk, I’m on my way

But – where are you my friend?

06:47:00pM




100

06.15.1991

08:09:00pM

Can’t Endure

Can’t endure this feeling,

This feeling of losing a friend

A lover, a relationship.

Can’t endure the fact that

My life is messed up; I’m

So confused yet not confused

Each time a relationship rises,

So does the fire that burns

From a new soul.

Hopping and skipping along

This crazy road wanting

But a perfect friend,

Someone who fits this puzzle.

Raging about going further

In my mind to search for

The reasons why I hurt myself

Over someone – everyone.

Flings are ok but

Why is this true?

If done safe, how can it hurt?

We all need someone and




101

We hurt sometimes but

Life doesn’t end like a

Relationship – move on and

Continue the journey of

Figuring out life itself.

08:27:00pM




102

06.19.1991

03:29:00pM

Who should I blame?9

Where am I going?

What am I doing?

Is this right or wrong?

Can’t hold out for long.

Flipping through the pages of The Book

But where should I look?

Thru love and death I maintain this fear

Afraid of a relationship that starts here,

Here within my heart

Don’t want to lie or cry

Wish they were honest

Don’t want them to be high

Handsome bodies are my fondest

These features I must choose them

To pick between two foes is an unhealthy decision

Why should I?

Let my destiny find him

The road will appear before me soon enough

Not thinking is hard and tough

His beautiful hands – his open mind

9Inspired by Michael W. Smith’s “Go West Young Man”




103

His fiery tan – his awesome blow

I know what I want but still things

I can’t cope with, remain

It’s all the same

Who should I blame?

03:48:00pM




104

06.22.1991

06:55:00pM

Fire Mountain (part one)

Climbing this mountain swiftly

With jagged rocks and a smooth

Slippery pathway upwards

Leads to a cave

A dark and haunting entrance

Brings me to a fire pit

The flames are bright white

Too hot to touch but

Fills me with a vitality – as long

As no wind finds the fireI can call this fire my own

I want this fire forever but

You can’t fool reality

I leave the fire and the torch I held

But the torch is out, lying beside

The pit of sweltering heat – the heat of passion.

These flames flicker – no doubt they mean lies.

Climbing down the mountain – winds

Rise and blow my thoughts in circles.




105

The stones beneath my feet warn me

Of the future – but my ears block out all truth

They hear the windy lies.

I return to this mountain each day,

Begging to gain entrance to this

Godlike pit of fire.

Most of the time it tricks me and

Lets me in, but I get lost and backtrack my steps.

I hate playing games

But my desire draws me closer

To this cave and when the sun rises

I seek out my life today.

The wind follows me,

I sometimes see the pit again – full of lustful flames.

Flickering ones.

Ones that lie.

The torch is re-lit and

The same habitual ritual motions come into place.

Hopefully this fire won’t burn me to death.

07.19.00:pM




106

06.27.1991

01:27:00pM

Dead or Alive (part II)

Life is becoming distant

This isn’t a game any more

Shouting out lies

Turning away, heading for a new hope

Someone to take me in their arms

And love me for who I am

Can’t endure – not now

What a mistake that would be

Could I do it?

Living my future todayShards of glass by my dirty feet

My blood is drained of all energy

Some doors are broken but open

Some doors are closed behind deadbolt locks

The walls are blank

Is this just another scary dream?

Or is it the reality that I never believed in?

Am I dead or alive?




107

01:37:00pM




108

06.28.1991

11:44:00Am

Pure Torture

He came & talked to me

Whispered in my ear

Time has no meaning

Morning soon came & we parted

The garden grew as flowers bloomed

Violets scattered all around

It rained a horrid precipitation

Not a cleansing, more of a flooding

I was washed away but the violets remained

The summer was hot

Fire followed me, red hot flames amazed

To see that I still longed for him

We travelled afar, beaches – many

We rode thru & searched for more fire

Haven’t seen him for a while, can’t fall in love

It would be too dangerous

Next came another from a land not too far

The woods became a sanctuary of playtime

He spoke few words – kept to his job

Was he in love?

Will I ever be in love again?




109

Do I want to?

Soon I will miss everyone to see my

Best fiend – pure torture

12:00:00pM




110

06.29.1991

01:23:00pM

Anchor

He penetrated hi soul absent from protection

Further it travelled down the tunnel of darkness

A journey of abstractness

Strange tingling feelings throughout my body

Bouncing upon the vehicle of waterThe safety line was never attached

The water level is rising by pure excitement

Was the anchor thrown overboard?

Overflowing with a splashing sensation

Injected with a poison needle

To suffer with the knowledge of many lies

I break even with trust & satisfaction

Absorbing lust & leaving love behind

This will go on forever until I receive his fate

There is no end – ever

02:05:00pM




111

07.01.1991

02:11:00pM

(Storm) Cloud

Time is shattered into a million broken pieces

Nothing left but a reach less dream

Thoughts of fading away

Running no where

Fighting inside & outsideClouds pass overhead knowing nothing

Soft & passive they can change

Transforming into a storm cloud

Full of hate & anger

Crying out of love

Puffy & crystal like they are beautiful too

Let me ride upon their destiny

Wind carries them – destination unknown

Am I a cloud?

02:35:00pM




112

07.05.1991

10:30:00pM

Y-Not

Calling to me

The boy is so giving

Honest & true

I’m a special someone

In his eyes

& in other eyes

But he offers different

No different than others

Out of town

But in my heart

Money, distance, & love – nothing stops him

He has problems

But takes mine & helps them out

We sing the same tune

Friends we are,

Nothing more – he’s too far

10:39:00pM




113

07.08.1991

01:24:00pM

Sacrifice10

Must travel alone

No where do I belong

They have left

No more chances

No more risks

I must decide

Whether to continue onward

My music sooths the pain & torture

Wanting to resolve all of this

My future is set aflame

Should I let my dream go

Turn to ashes – never to be fulfilled

I’m giving up – my life

I don’t care anymore

Tears threaten my soul

Drown my face in sobs

Life seems meaningless

Can’t take it away

What would they say?

Handling too much

10“Everything by When In Rome




114

Run away, far away

Till death takes over

I’m not confused – such a big decision

School must be put aside

Work forever & suffer throughout every crisis

No more help available

Start over – go for the wilderness

Nothing stays forever

Change my lifestyle

I must give it away – put it aside

My mistake – my learning

Breakdown into a life of death

Of tears filled with poison

Sacrifice my soul

My support – gone

No strength to go on

All I see is a knife in my hand

A scream & it’s over

01:43:00pM




115

07.13.1991

11:23:00pM

Her11

Wishing I had her back

Her soft touching voice

The laughter that strengthened our souls

Missing her caring letter

Her warm lips touching mine

Saddened heart now begging to beat again

The energy wants to be activated

Her body – so beautiful, inside and out

Burning eyes shut out pain

No running tears – just a still pool of shouting thoughts

Thoughts tortured thru the memory

Why did I leave?

But now because of broken poems

My life is half hers and could never be

All his.

11:30:00pM

11“Say Once More” by Amy Grant & “I Don’t Wanna Lose You” by REO Speedwagon




116

07.12.1991

02:58:00Am

Together

So weak, yet a stronghold

Love is distant, but never too far

Talking & resolving – leaving hatred

Inseparable minds

Two hearts beat as one

Direction of life opposite in ways

No barriers

No protection

Running & fighting

Love & romance

Sex too early

Proud & envious

Alike & different

Active yet passive

Together as friends forever

03:19:00Am




117

07.14.1991

08:15:00Am

Funky People12

Walking down this darkened road

Dancing with the thrill of lust

Waiting for the touch of his tan hands

My life could be his, if he would tighten his grip

Reaching out, I can sense him with another

Lying next to him the next morning atop water

We floated together after the flames died down

There was no passion – only from me does he receive love

Only sex which is so sacred but never new

Letting him lie – giving him space

Revolving around many friends – funky people

He never stops but he desires a boyfriend

I must be crazy to want such a guy

It’s too good to stop having sex with him

Body versus body – his so perfect

Weekly visits to do just one thing – unprotected

I don’t mind at all

Chasing him in his wonder car

That speeds thru the air

12“Save Some Love” by Keedy




118

Unclothed is his best side

Picture perfect face & hands

Lustful thoughts behold my eyes

Let me kiss him forever

Satisfying my chasing heart

Laughing at his lies – nothing stops me from being with him

Hurt for only a short time, the chase better

Than the catch

This is my life as well as his

08:15:00Am




119

07.16.1991

03:14:00Am

Who is chasing me?

She’s standing there in the darkness

Waiting for only you

Haunting visions of evil taunt your mind

Screams from hell bellow out from his mouth

He falls to the ground, held in Satan’s grip

Begging for the mercy of God, he prays

Who is chasing me?

The dark air envelops around them

Kissing tenderly & then he cries

Weeps in pain & can’t find the answer

She’s frightened & shouts

Collapsed in fear he rebuked the devil

Call out to the Lord for help

The evil disappeared

They held each other into the night

& then he left – left behind the answer

-03:30:00Am




120

07.16.1991

03:33:00Am

No More Ink

A capped black ink pen lying on a bed

Worn & torn the label erased

Scars across its surface

Body bent out of shape

Loose cap cracked in half

The bed moves & the cap slips off

Falling to the floor becoming lost

Light colored ink form words of lust on paper

Used too many times – no available pens close-by

Writing every nite with tiring hands

Soon the ink drains – fading forever

Smeared the remaining fluid upon my hands

No more writings of romance & poetry

All out of ink

The pen is capped once again

Thrown into a drawer waiting to be refilled

Time rushed & now too late

An empty pen, passionate memories & a handful

Of poems remain

04:02:00Am




121

07.17.1991

10:48:00pM

Crimson Soul

Unstoppable laughter

Can’t stop the tears

An incredible time of joy

No fears or worries – all gone

Night gives way to day

She arrives in her white car

Small & cute

Drover here & there

Playing with balls we moaned

The sticks were hard & long

Upon a table she laid outstretched

Beautiful & ready

Long crimson hair, an added plus

The smile was gorgeous & attractive

Lips pure & unique

My soul was touched

His body touched by a spark of love

Friends for only a short time

The clock will soon strike three

Images trapped by technology

Never forgetting the eye piece




122

Trapped with emotions & now mine

The ring of silver, his for tonight

Near perfection, she won’t be forever

Letters unspoken, knowledge will find

She is owned by no one

But who is this someone?

No restrictions in her hand

So close – yet not for long

Dying to hold her, be backs away

Understanding his road, won’t be her walkway

11:11:00pM




123

07.18.1991

09:28:00pM

Tempest Island VIII

The storm erupted

Blackened sky – thunder but no lightning

Crashing rain waiting to fall

The island – once peaceful

Shipwrecked soul trapped

He searches for the dolphin

Swimming around this isle

He found his soul – lost soul that begs to leave

The sane is scattered with tears

Changed meaning this tempest

Praying for the rain to stop

To cleanse his soul – rescue his heart

Buried already up to his mind

Follow his heart and the soul will escape

The clouds will dissipate and be gone

This land has many memories

And I’ve been dreaming

This scary nightmare – so true

Real and so like the past – yet different

Goodness grows thru the palm tree

The only tree that shades this island




124

Shades it from the danger of death

Death by guilt and love

Swirling up above is the answer

Blow it away – far and distant

Or it will destroy you

09:55:00pM




125

07.18.91

11:55:00pM

Until the Dawn Breaks

Mystic places I do seek

Away from worries and distress

Trying to be strong and never weak

Is this right? Or am I in a mess?

Patience, until the dawn breaks

Dusk is gone with hope I fear

It’s not yet real but not even fake

Is the motive and action in the right gear?

Speak of only love

Sinking in the sand

Dreading the moment that I’m thinking of

Will she be hurt? Or will she understand?

012:07:00Am (7.19.1991)




126

07.19.91

12:20:00Am

When the morning comes13

Be strong,

I’m with you,

And God is with you

If you fall in again

She will gain control

Twist your road

And weaken your soul

Your tears will never be free

12:31:00Am

: “Be good to yourself cause nobody has the power to make you happy” –George Michael (01:10:00aM)

13“Be good to yourself cause nobody has the power to make you happy” quote by George Michael’s “Heal The

Pain” song




127

07.20.1991

01:00:00Am

My Soul’s Shadow

We are all lonely

Searching for the right move

My watering eyes still hidden

Closing them to all but few

Accepting a friend

But will he accept me?

I cocoon myself from him

He was once the mirror in front of me

I never shit the door completely

Wanting no one to hate me

He was my souls’ shadow

Attractive, but must be careful

Unsure of his beliefs

He is my friend’s friend

Cannot take him away

Shove him away from my body toward my soul

Slipping on my tears I break

Don’t touch me for I will move backwards

In fear and in doubt

The door to his side ajar

Doorknob too hot to handle




128

Am I interfering?

I must remind him of my past

Wanted so hard to become part of his shadow too

Not likely.

Time running as quick as us

What do we have in common?

My life is different

Someone struck me with an arrow of caution

Against what should I fear?

His liking me?

Informed that I don’t like him

So untrue – but how do I prove it?

Reminding me of me

I’m scared

Reminding me of another friend afar

Don’t become overwhelmed

This guy is silent, but I hear him

No more mistakes

I will try and open the door totally

Hoping he won’t fall and run away

01:21:00Am




129

07.21.1991

10:23:00pM

Land of Enchantment

Travelled to the magic land

The land of everlasting enchantment

Where friends become known quickly

These special people touch my heart

I still recall my friends back east

Some causing me grief, other bring love

This new place is great

Changing my home would be good

Missing where I lay already

I don’t want to leave

Wanting now to live my life

Not his or hers

I will do what I want to do

Under the conditions of need and not greed

Things will certainly change

I’ve stepped into God’s light once more

Will I give in to temptation?

May evil be gone and become lost

For I have found myself.

10:33:00pM




130

07.23.1991

04:19:00:Am

You (part IV)

You, someone special that I truly love

Who brings out the fun and enjoyment of life

You, radiant and enchanting

Who cats spells of laughter

You, a friend so dear to me

As precious as the air around me

As strong as the ground below me

As beautiful as your presence before me

You, a cherished drop of water

That will never slip through my handsYou, an ocean full of understanding

That will quench my mind forever

You, a gift of love

Full of truth and honesty

You, a bag of hope

Filled with the sand of happiness

Tied with the ribbon of life

You, caring and loving

A best friend in the end




131

04:53:00Am




132

07.30.1991

12:37:00Am

I’m Human

Strength to conquer my sin

Believing in faith, rising from shame

Hope exists in the mind

We all have the power

To endure the forces of evil

Never follow your footsteps

Draw the light into your soul

Thru His eyes you’ll always be loved

Open your curtained thoughts

Live today, what you are

Scrape off the lies

Label yourself human

Not perfect, nor unsinful

Don’t wander in the past

You had no control

What is right – is wrong

What is wrong – is right

You decide

Make up the rules

Don’t be pushed and cornered

Break all the memories




133

Hatred and lust – all a sin

Everything controlled by one mind

Your mind

My mind

01:01:00Am




134

08.01.1991

08:09:00pM

Hold Back

Hold back

Hold back this feeling

Of lust, of love

Hold back the temptation

Erase my memory

Walk towards the light

Seek the Father

And the Son

Don’t give in until my day is done

08:11:00Pm




135

08.01.1991

09:39:00pM

My Only Weakness

Tangled in a sticky web of lust

Trapped within a box of powerless hands

Charmed by his smile

Is it the gaze of death?

It certainly is the gaze of torture

Causing me to enter his darkness

Feeling the pain and pure anguish

Throughout my entire soul

The spider fangs sank deep into my mind

No escape from this entrapment

The third eye can take this away

Destroy my desires and replace them

Is he my only physical hope on earth?

My only weakness – the deadliest

09:50:00pM




136

08.07.1991

09:40:00Am

All alone in this world

Strangers staring at you

All alone in this world

But rays of sunshine fill your heart

Along the sidewalk street

Glittering gold float down the sewer

Disappearing without a trace

Your life surrounded by cardboard

Used bits of food splattered on your face

Your hair is like a dirty rag

Blackened and weathered

Walking from each garbage can on bare feet

With a stomach growling for more

Lying on the cold wet surface at night

Waiting to be loved by God’s light at dawn

Struggling thru season’s change

Where’s your blanket?

Approaching a slow death

Awaiting judgment day

Will I rise or fall?

10:05:00Am




137

08.13.91

09:06:00Am

My soul is returning

Great happiness through music

Fading the whirling thunderstorms in my head

Smiles shine on the screams & shouts

Holding my ground, looking away from evil

The spirit of my soul is returning

Whispered tears of love

Strengthen my mind

It’s never too late to try

My eyes see thru the madness

The light of love is dim

Barely noticeable to my heart

Sleeping thru horrible fits of rage

Dreaming of his unshaven face

In the purple background

Letting his touch comfort me

Coming into my fantasies

With his shield of lust

All thru the night his energy grows

Passing me the power to move forward

Never falling backwards




138

09:24:00:Am




139

08.15.91

12:19:00pM

Get out of my life14

He’s gone

But he’s always around the corner

Trying to get over the terrible lust

Hope my brains explodes

Take away the memory

It haunts me everyday

He came

I rode in his car once again

No rearview mirror – my eyes calm down

Before we left – he puckered up

Silence & then I kissed

His screams, temper & lost love

Make me crazy

My lips tighten – forever?

12:26:00:00pM

14“Get Out Of My House” by Dead Or Alive




140

08.21.1991

04:13:00:pM

We will never part

Our friendship is too close at heart

04:15:00pM




141

09.07.1991

01:42:00Am

Wire Basket

I’m a wire basket

Tangled in knots of rust

Holding an emptiness of confused love

My handle is that serpent’s body

Carried by rough hands

Tossed about by waves of teardrops

Always swinging

01:50:00Am




142

09.17.1991

12:50:00Am

Sex without cost

The horned devil seized him

Like the fire of hell he became hot and bothered

His window opened

The devil spoke words of lust

Sec without cost

The door then opened

My heart was gouged out

The Spirit of the Lord being used

No shield but a necklace of love

Desires peaked – he creamed

Wanted to go to a place of darkness

Satan led the way towards the cinema

Grabbed hold of my consciousness and faith

Turned away and cried out for help

My hands trembled

dwelling upon the desire

It faded – I made it

Praised the Lord in sorrow for forgiveness

Begging for the devil to leave

Did I lose him?




143

12:57:00Am




144

09.18.1991

12:47:00Am

Fall

They walked in countless circles together

Sliding past hope

Felt a spark of real emotion

And I closed my eyes

In fear? Or in wonderment?

The pile of pain between us grows higher

The leaves begin to rustle in the wind

Dried, cracked and crumbled lives

We all will soon lost stability when the snows arrive

12:59:00Am




145

09.20.1991

01:09:00Am

Nothing Matters

Wooden fences and brick walls

Stop signs and red lights

Locked door and closets

Friendships and lovers

Hearts and minds

Past and future

Religion and faith

Sexuality and freedom

Time and energy

Emotions and memories

Life and death

These restrictions disappear

When we float on the clouds above.

Can only imagine such a place,

A reality within a dream

Nothing matters until we start to think,

Interfering with instinct and habit

What is left?

Beginnings and endings.

01:22:00Am




146

09.21.1991

01:15:00pM

Alone in the darkness

The wall crumbles down

Feelings mixed

Don’t have to prove my love

I have no love

Thinking about the situation

Helps only the evil one

Speaking to myself

The hurtful messages inside

Motivated towards honesty

Only bringing shame

Kisses are like the wind

Coming and going

Never talking like fireworks

Comprehending things differently

Praying for mercy

He hears my call

01:34:00Am




147

09.23.91

08:15:00pM

Between the twilight

We don’t know the difference

We love and we think

Confusion and sadness enter the scene

So beautiful together – alone

A warm embrace

Brings us closer – again

Will this day ever end?

Hoping for God’s continued love

Stuck between the twilight

In between comfort and happiness

In-between a love and GOD

08:30:00pM




148

09.26.1991

10:54:00Am

The Last Prayer

Must give up my sin for God

Suffer thru pain like my Lord

Resisting all temptation & badness

Change my life before I take it away

The biggest & hardest choice to undertake

Give up my friends for God

Give my life to God

For he is greater than I

Whether it’s me or not, I don’t care

Love & happiness are so far away

Beyond the mountains

Beyond the heavens

I’m not going to live in hell anymore

Wanting all the harsh voices

All the torments to disappear

Never too late – so I fall back into God’s arms

Carry me till I grow strong again

I ask this one thing

Be there when I’m weak

Giving up so much will be very difficult

I trust in the Lord




149

Amen.

11:08:00Am




150

09.28.1991

11:00:00pM

Vision of Darkness

Driving, Darkness,

Eyes,

White devil,

Turning,

Remembering,

Statue?

Mary?

Devil?

Vampire?

God?

Sign?

Visions,

Worship,

Distant,

Memory

11:05:00pM




151

10.02.1991

01:03:00Am

Against the Wall

Choices – too many futures

The hardship of a decision

Stuttering to think

Silence to meditate your feelings

Never making your mind up

This feeling of constant comfort

Secure and satisfied to the point of confusion

Only a distant thought of sex

Blasting my ears to find the right song

Standing alone, in prayer, to find the right someone

01:12:00Am




152

10.03.1991

07:02:00pM

Road to Happiness

The phone rattles

Shouts of rage & anger

Over my happiness

No understanding

I take hold of my faith

But the devil was unleashed

Automatic shut off hearts

They are stoned with poisonous blood

Acting like evil creatures

The boy puts up his weak shield of hope

Broken in half immediately

Terrible thoughts of death

So close to my grasp

A car, a wall – dead!

Almost falling, a steep downhill race

Sealing up my faith in a memory

Needing to rest upon another soul

Lonely as hell

The fire enrages my mind

So many up & down directions

Should I follow the straight path?




153

Money & sex mean nothing

A close friend – his heart aging too quickly

My peace of mind shattered among my family

Being stepped upon all my life

My foot goes down

No more secrets

The ending is near

Love falling apart

But being picked up

By whom?

07:16:00pM




154

10.06.1991

05:48:00Am

Peace of Pleasure

Turned off the light

Grew weak & suffered too much pain

Confusion on all my sides

Love sparkled as He cried

Happiness overruling faith

Let go for now – perhaps forever

Parents gone

Future changing drastically

Staying with this one

05:59:00Am




155

10.08.1991

02:40:00pM

Tempest Island IX

The isle has no more meaning

My future changing

The sea is almost dried up

Running away from no more gulls

One last swim to remember my past

A clam washes ashore

Many days go by before I take it

Admiring its shiny shell

A sea turtle sits beside it

Trying to move away the clam comes to me

What does the turtle think?

Neither not wanting to hurt him

The clouds darken for a moment

Then a soft glow brilliantly shines from inside

Inside the beautiful clam

What could this be?

An island appears beside this one

We go to that one

Lying upon the sand, the clam upon my heart

Still near to our past but the sun doesn’t hide

Brightest light in the sky burns off the clouds




156

With a smile on my face, I see the turtle

A fear covers my mind – closing my mind

I look to a new dream

It’s glowing near my heart

03:01:00pM




157

10.08.1991

09:26:00pM

Left Behind

Lost in confusion

Walking down a long road going nowhere

Thinking about life

Thinking about love

The passion was lost

& time together was too short

Full of anger that’s waiting to burst

What is the truth?

An empty home

An empty heart

Only a few excuses left behind

09:35:00pM




158

10.16.1991

02:53:00pM

A Brisk Evening

The cold night air

Warmth by the fireplace

The water opened my mind

Realized that the truth is not a lie

Words do have a meaning

An important part of a conversation

What I feel is right

No one’s opinion is mine own

Recalling my thoughts of past

They are no alive

Gone away to make room for the future

Here I stand in a place of paradise

Always glad to see a smile

Time moves on

Sometimes it’s better to let go

Don’t need to think

Don’t need to wonder

A day is here

Take it & make it

The rain falls softly overhead

A song of happiness tapping at our souls




159

03:09:00pM




160

10.17.1991

12:13:00aM

Sleeping forever

Understand the warmth

A dreary shower of suffocating love

Beneath the sweltering heat of flames

Tossing & turning till my heart turns cold

A desire too strong to put aside

Too full of change

Where does my life end?

Because this love will never die

Hurting,

Scaring,

Leaving…

12:29:00Am




161

10.21.1991

11:28:00Am

Seasons only change

Leaves falling into the earth

Decaying memories fly away

Wind carrying hurtful thoughts

To the blackened cloud above

In our minds, the pain resides

Speaking many tongues

Chopped up & sewn back together

A constant threat

Travel around their hearts

So magnets don’t draw you

Closer than shadows

But blacker than coal

Eating at your soul

Tearing away love

To fill hearts with confusion

Stop stealing my mind

Seasons won’t change the situation

Cold turns to anger

Heat brings power

Too many secrets aren’t secrets

Used as a dagger they are




162

These deaths aren’t real

Only wishing my lips would exile them

11:50:00Am




163

10.22.1991

03:37:00pM

Waiting For The Right Moment15

Behind the glass wall

Seeing what I long for

Waiting for the right moment

To touch his lips with mine

Once more I try to resist

The chain of respect holds me back

Happiness overturns depression

Crawling backwards

Always behind me

Stepping forward into the rhythm

Sharing moments of passion

When the moon rises

Shifting time for us

Licking the sweat of romance

My watch falls off

03:57:00pM

15Listened to George Michael’s “Faith”




164

10.23.1991

12:16:00pM

Tippy Toes

Complaining about living

Chasing everyone’s hearts away,

Yelling at the distance

Driving herself too far,

Not knowing the words to speak of

No anger, no tension when he comes

She disappears within his soul,

Rocking back and forth she laughs

Laughing with them,

Going to her room silently

Waiting for his sweet return

Sleeping upon the thought of anxiety

He holds her happiness

Dreaming that she lay beside his side

Wanting everything within her grasp

Until they open her eyes,

She still shouts and begs for more

Soon she won’t have a door

Taken away with stress,

Leaving for her honey

The door closes behind




165

12:32:00pM




166

10.26.91

03:52:00pM

Breath of Life

Standing before this mountain

A great mass of confusion

All the lakes surrounding it are dry

Love has evaporated like the water

Is there a rainy season?

Will my lips be quenched again?

Has my heart taken too much?

Waiting forever with a terrible pain

Deep inside me a small light shines

But I will stay in the darkness

This is where I belong

In torture – wrapped in chains

Never walking again, my shoes are too worn

Letting it pass over

Not hanging on anymore

Climbing the rocky hill before me

I’ll get over it

Sometimes it’s hard to get over it

Falling backwards, giving in

The steps in front of me always weary

I caution myself




167

I fell into the pit of love

Now I’m suffocating

The breath of life - gone

04:19:00pM




168

10.29.91

03:50:00Am

You (part V)16

You, an eternal flame of everlasting love

That burns deep inside my soul

You, a chariot of purest gold

Which I will always follow

You, a happy smile that brightens my day

To the point of mutual laughter

You, a pair of jeans that I can snuggle into

And feel at ease

You, a soft melody that whispers in my ear

Which I will forever listen toYou, a shooting star that fell into my arms

With a desire to make many wishes

You, a key of trust, honesty and understanding

That unlocks my heart

You, a blue candle of friendship

That no hurricane could ever blow out

You, a magical force of power and strength

That no sorcerer could even attempt to fathom

16Listened to “Eternal Flame” by The Bangles




169

You, a haven of golden delight

This lifts my life above the clouds

You, a person that I can call my friend,

My forever friend

04:18:00:Am




170

11.03.1991

04:06:00pM

Wave Good-bye

Wave good-bye to the future

Lying here at peace

All the pain is gone

Drained of energy and life

Lost in a picture

You can find it on the wall

The wall of memories

04:13:00pM




171

11.03.1991

04:14:00pM

Decisions

Can’t climb the wall before me

Can’t open the door behind me

Can’t jump over the pitfalls beside me

Can’t shovel any deeper below me

Sitting on a hilltop with my mind deep in thought

Is there a way out?

Can I escape?

Is it too late?

The Son is above me

Shining brightly

Opening my eyes I see death

I fell to the ground

Kissing it sadly

Holding the dirt close to my heart

Never letting it go

Time stops, twists and alters

My soul reaches toward the sky again

Staying there to be saved

04:31:00pM




172

11.05.1991

09:22:00pM

Reflection of Happiness

Running through the raindrops

Losing everything

Your life is nothing without him

Hardest part I shim leaving

Losing your life

Chasing after the dream

The song of love fills your heart

Falling down the stairs

Tumbling over memories

Crazy without reason

Temporary good moods

Laughter after it happens

He dies

You die

Running after the dream

The song that brought us together

The flame is dim

The door closes

Solid and strong – you cannot break through

Death is permanent

Stopping the mood




173

Halting love

Destroying the friendship

My hands are tired

I’m lost within his soul

Threw my body over the wall

My soul is in heaven

Lust took over

The secret of happiness

Obsession of him

Smelling the scent upon his body

Licking his soul

Touching his heart

Within me is this love

He holds my feelings

He caught my emotions

They are at ease

My mind is numb

Knowing my surroundings

Not caring about life

Just happy

My music satisfies me

He drew me closer

I listened

He spoke words of craving

I fell apart




174

I gave in

He gave in

The glass was empty

The water within me shouts a smile

The taste of lust

Locked up my feelings of love

Happiness is a mere thought

Disappearing like death

Over and over I wait

The day and night we’re together

Flowing feelings of love

We love

Hoping he realizes it!

Sitting in a position of I don’t know

Listening to the advice of a song

Am I being taken through heaven?

Am I seeing a dream?

Will I sleep?

Help no one

Safer than ever

Staying here until time stops

Numb feelings obstruct my real thoughts

Give me a mirror

09:42:00pM




175

11.08.1991

12:11:00Am

Woodland Fantasy17

Days of fantasy ride upon a memory

Along the peaceful steps,

A young heart with a curious mind

Seeking pleasure by walking along side a friend,

The woods were our home

A place to call our own,

So close to being one

A symbol of true friendship

The world divided around us

Keeping us together, forever.

12:26:00Am

17Listening to “Rhythm in the Pews” Deep Breakfast tape by Ray Lynch




176

11.08.1991

12:28:00Am

Blind man18

Colors splash upon the canvas

The blue sky melts into the greenery of trees

Stars shine off their whiteness

Every color mixing with every symbol

The sun attracts rain

Winds blowing leaves into springs’ buds

Mountains crash into the sea to form islands

Snowstorms in the summer heat

The sweat of sadness drips off his fingertips

Merging his soul with creation

Depression & happiness find the missing emotion

In between the two without a name

Wishing masterpieces to unfold

Not knowing that his existence alone

Is a work of art

12:54:00Am

18Listening to “Celestial Soda Pop” Deep Breakfast” tape by Ray Lynch




177

12.05.1991

12:06:00Am

Dream Book (part 1)

19

The essence of pure beauty

Melting with the beat of two hearts;

Footsteps filled with strength and compassion

Walking together, always as one;

Higher than the flying eagle

The moments expanding towards infinity;

A morning kiss to awaken an exhausted soul

When dreams and reality clash and blend into

A mass of growing love;

Holding hands in the air

Moving faster than lightning,

Pounding mightier than thunder,

Gluing our minds at the same time;

Dropping over torches

Letting the fire burn around us

Keeping us warm and secure,

“Think about it”

12:28:00Am

19Listening to “Super Trooper” by ABBA




178

12.28.1991

05:57:00pM

Waiting to Return

The face changes

Doubts fade into smiles

Nights are always warm

Stranger no more

As I step away

As I close my eyes

His voice is there, within my heart

Calling me back

A golden path leads toward his soul

So close to reaching this summit

Arms of love embracing, protecting, loving

No depths can fathom his passion

Celebrating memories of fun & laughter

But now scaredom resides

Where did I go?

Why did I leave?

My stomach aches in anxiety

Waiting to return,

To balance my soul once more

06:12:00pM




Documents

Poet Tree: Volume One - Forrever Memories (Full Version)