Pharaonormal Activity

7/29/2019 Pharaonormal Activity

1/16

Pharaonormal Activity

by

Jacob Perlin & Jason Mesches

!

ROLES - Largest to Smallest

MOSES

TOUR GUIDE

MORTY

SHERYL

COD

MESCH

TASK MASTER

PHARAOH

ZIPPORAH

BURNING BUSH

TRACY MORGAN SHEEP

NACHSHON

BENBOGUS

HANK

EDDIE

PHARAOHS MISTRESS

HEBREW SLAVE 1

HEBREW SLAVE 2


2/16

EXT. SOMEWHERE NEAR THE DEAD SEA - DAY

MESCH (eternal pessimist) and COD (lover of knishes) are on a

tour bus with a bunch of old people. There is an ISRAELI TOUR

GUIDE eating bamba and talking about the Dead Sea.

TOUR GUIDE

You see here on your right. This is the

Dead Sea. However, she is very much

alive. With salt. And Minerals. And mud

that you can put on your face.

MORTY

(urgently)

I need to pee!

SHERYL

We stopped 5 minutes ago, Morty!

MORTY

I didnt have to go then.

SHERYL

You always have to go

COD

I actually need to take a leak too.

MESCHWe stopped 5 minutes ago, Cod!

COD

I thought that was a snack stop, not a

pee stop.

SHERYL

Why cant you do both at the same stop?

TOUR GUIDE

Okay, okay, we pull over. But no more

stops until we get to the top of

Masada. Beseder?

ALL

Beseder.

Tour bus stops. MESCH and COD get out first, because the old peo-

ple take longer. Because they are old.

! 1!


3/16

MESCH

I cant believe you booked us on the

geriatric birthright trip.

COD

I had no idea what geriatric meant.

Cod needs a place to use the restroom, but there are not a lot of

options. He sees a cave.

COD

Ill be back. Dont let them leave

without me.

MESCH looks over at the TOUR GUIDE speaking to MORTY who is being

less discreet with his urination.

TOUR GUIDEMorty, not on the bus!

COD comes running out of the cave with a bag of tapes.

COD

Mesch! Mesch! You wont believe what I

found!

MESCH

Jesus?

COD

No, I found a bag full of VHS tapes.

MESCH

VHS. What are those, like, 3000 years

old?

TOUR GUIDE walks over to MESCH and COD with a look of amazement.

TOUR GUIDE

Actually, there are 3000 years old. I

believe you have stumbled upon...

(dramatic)

TOUR GUIDE (CONT)

The Dead Sea Tapes.

Cod pulls out a tape.

COD

! 2!


4/16

This one says Baby in a Basket on it.

MESCH

Well, thats just great. Where in the

desert, or for that matter, on this

planet are we going to find a VHSplayer?

TOUR GUIDE

We have on on the bus!

COD

What does this bus not have?

MESCH

A bathroom? A female under the age of

60?

TOUR GUIDE

Well its at least 3 hours till Masada.

Lets go to the videotape!

TAPE 1 - EGYPT CHAIN SAW MASSACRE

EXT. PYRAMID - CONSTRUCTION SITE - DAY

The Jewish slaves are on a lunch break.

HANKI honestly dont know how youd pick

Hebron beating Golan State. GSU is a 2

seed.

EDDIE

Hey man, I like the upsets. I was right

about UJericho versus Shushan A & M.

HANK

I guess thats why they call it March

Meshugana.

EGYPTIAN TASK MASTER marches over.

TASK MASTER

Lunch time is over! Get back to work!

These pyramids are not going to build

themselves!

HANK

! 3!


5/16

Just proud to know that for generations

to come people will always turn to the

Jews when they need something built

right.

TASK MASTERThats enough out of you.

EDDIE

Give him a break, hes just trying to

keep it light around here.

TASK MASTER

I dont have time to keep it light!

TASK MASTER takes out a whip and starts to beat the two Jewish

slaves. Out of nowhere, a dark, deep voice.

MOSES (VO)

Youre going to want to stop doing

that.

TASK MASTER

Who... who is that?

MOSES (VO)

Youre going to want to stop harming

these slaves. Put down the whip.

TASK MASTER

Show yourself!

MOSES, dressed in a hockey mask runs by the TASK MASTER and

slices him on the arm. He disappears. TASK MASTER is bleeding.

TASK MASTER

Show yourself!

MOSES, unseen, runs by the TASK MASTER again, this time pummel-

ing him to the ground. TASK MASTER is in tears.

TASK MASTER

Show yourself!

MOSES appears from behind a pile of cinder blocks. Still in his

mask, he slowly approaches the TASK MASTER who is now trembling.

TASK MASTER

Show yourself!

! 4!


6/16

MOSES raises his hand to deliver one final, life ending blow.

Before he does, he removes his mask.

MOSES

Hineni.

MOSES strikes with a fatal blow. EDDIE and HANK are in shock.

EDDIE

Thank you for saving us!

HANK

I know who you are. Moses, you are go-

ing to need to run. Youll be killed

for this

Fearing for his life, MOSES flees Egypy to the desert land of

Midian.

Fade to black.

INT BUS - AFTER

TOUR GUIDE

If you look out on your left you will

see my cousin, Shlomi. He makes the

best schwarma this side of the Gaza

Strip.

COD

Ooooh, I could go for a snack come to

think of it.

MORTY

Im with the hairy guy. Snacks! Snacks!

Snacks!

SHERYL

Would you two stop it. We need to get

to Masada. What else you got in that

bag of tapes?

MESCH digs out another tape.

MESCH

The afikOMEN

TAPE TWO - THE (AFIK)OMEN

! 5!


7/16

EXT MOUNT HOREB - DAY

MOSES is hanging out with JETHROs flock, playing with a video

camera. He pans from the sheep over to his wife, ZIPPORAH. ZIP

puts her hands over her face.

MOSES

Babe, babe, look over here.

ZIP

Moses, stop!! I dont wanna be on your

movie.

MOSES

Oh come on! Just a little smile and a

wave!

ZIP shyly puts her hands down and waves.

ZIP

There, happy now? Ugh, Im going in-

side. The sheep smell and its hot.

MOSES

Suit yourself. Ill be out here with my

ovine friends.

ZIP

Goodbye.

MOSES flips the camera over to ZIP and zooms in on her tushie.

ZIP

(walking away)

I know what youre doing.

MOSES whips the camera away to the sheep. He notices one sheep

is running away. Also, the sheep is TRACY MORGAN.

MOSES

Wait, stop running so fast.

TRACY MORGAN

Man, stop tellin me what to do, Moses.

Always bossin me around like you own

the place.

MOSES

Just chill out and slow down.

! 6!


8/16

The sheep leads MOSES far away from where they were. Out of no-

where he sees a bush on fire. A voice speaks.

BUSH

Moses.

MOSES turns his camera around to himself and looks straight into

the lens.

MOSES

No way.

Moses sees that the bush is on fire, but it is not in fact burn-

ing up.

BUSH

Come closer.

MOSES steps forward.

BUSH

Ok, thats fine. Also take off your

shoes.

MOSES

What?

BUSH

Just take them off. No shoes in thehouse, no shoes in front of God. Pretty

sure Im being clear on the shoe rules

here.

MOSES

God isnt here.

BUSH

Yes, God is.

MOSES

Where?

TRACY MORGAN SHEEP

Mo-dawg, you see that bush that aint

burnin? That bush is burnin. Know

what I mean?

MOSES

Im afraid not.

! 7!


9/16

TRACY MORGAN SHEEP

The bush is God.

MOSES

My bad.

BUSH

Your bad, indeed. Now Moses, Ive seen

the pain our people are suffering in

Egypt and you are the one I have chosen

to set them free.

MOSES

But what if the people dont listen to

me.

BUSH

They will.

MOSES

What if the Pharaoh doesnt let the

people go.

BUSH

Ive got a few tricks up my sleeve.

TRACY MORGAN SHEEP

How many?

BUSH

Lets say... 10.

The BUSH disappears. MOSES pants his camera over to the SHEEP

who looks stunned. He pans back. Nothing.

Fade to black.

INT - BUS - DAY

MORTY

You said 3 hours. Its been 4 hours al-

ready.

TOUR GUIDE

Ehhhh, 3, 4, ehhhh 7 hours. Its bese-

der! Right, everybody? Beseder!

Nobody says beseder. The seder is already going long as it is.

! 8!


10/16

SHERYL

Well maybe Morty, if you didnt always

stop to use the restroom

COD

Speak of. I actually could-

MESCH

No chance, pal.

TOUR GUIDE pulls out a tape and puts it into the player.

TAPE 3 - PHARAONORMAL ACTIVITY

INT PHARAOHS PALACE - NIGHT

PHARAOH speaks directly into the camera he has clearly just set

up on a tripod in front of his bed.

PHARAOH

Ok, hello. Hi. This is Pharaoh. Some

strange things have been happening, and

nobody believes me so I am going to

capture it on film. Tonight.

INT BUS - PRESENT AFTERNOON

The VHS tape is paused

TOUR GUIDE

This is too scary to watch.

MESCH

Youll be fine.

SHERYL

Im with the bald guy, youll be fine.

COD

Wait, hit play. Look at that. In the

early morning.

MORTY

Big deal, one morning Pharaoh woke in

his bed.

COD

No, look. There are frogs in his bed.

! 9!


11/16

SHERYL

And front on his head.

MESCH

Frogs on his nose.

COD

And frogs on his toes!

The entire bus sings in unison.

ALL

Frogs here! Frogs there! Frogs were

jumping everywhere!

BACK TO THE TAPE - UNPAUSED

INT. PHARAOHS BATHROOM - MORNING

PHARAOHS MISTRESS is standing by the sink brushing her teeth.

PHARAOHS MISTRESS

This is not normal.

PHARAOH

What?

She turns on the faucet.

PHARAOHS MISTRESS

Last time I checked, the water should

not be red. Im pretty sure this is

blood. I think this palace is haunted.

Im sorry, Im out of here.

PHARAOH

No, no, baby. Its not haunted. I prom-

ise. Im here to protect you. Ill

never let anything bad happen.

PHARAOHS MISTRESSHonestly, ever since those Jews started

asking to leave Egypt, things have been

getting weird.

She exits. PHARAOH scratches his head and speaks to himself

softly.

PHARAOH

! 10!


12/16

Things have been weird. And why does my

head itch so much?

INT PHARAOHS BEDROOM - 2:15AM

Camera is set up on a tripod and we see PHARAOH fast asleep. For

a full minute nothing happens. Then, the sounds of thumping.

PHARAOH wakes up and grabs the camera to look outside.

PHARAOH

The cows are going crazy! What the heck

is going on here?

INT PHARAOHS LIVING ROOM - SAME DAY - 11:04AM

PHARAOHS British Assistant, BENBOGUS, comes running into the

room.

BENBOGUS

My lord, sorry to bother-

PHARAOH

Benbogus, why do you have a black eye?

BENBOGUS

My lord, I was struck in the face by

giant balls.

PHARAOHSpare me the details of your personal

life.

BENBOGUS

My lord, balls... from the sky. Hail!

PHARAOH

Right, Benbogus, hail. In the middle of

Egypt.

BENBOGUS

Strangeness is afoot, my lord. Have you

looked outside?

PHARAOH

Yes, the sun isnt risen. It must be

early still.

BENBOGUS

It is 11:06.

! 11!


13/16

PHARAOH

(whispers)

My god...

INT PHARAOHS BEDROOM THE NEXT NIGHT - 3:13AM

Camera is set up on a tripod and we see Pharaoh fast asleep. The

time stamp fast forwards from 3:13am to 3:21am. Nothing happens.

At 3:22am a body appears and stands over Pharaoh, watching him

sleep. The time stamp fast forwards from 3:22am - 4:17am. Fi-

nally the body bends down to Pharoahs ear.

MOSES

(whispers)

Let my people go.

FADE TO BLACK.

INT - BUS - PRESENT

TOUR GUIDE

Terrifying.

SHERYL

Eh.

COD

Weve got one last tape.

MORTY

Ive got to pee!

ALL

Morty!!!!!

MESCH

I say we turn it on.

TAPE 4 - DIE DAYENU

EXT - DEAD SEA - DAY

The Israelite slaves are standing at the shores of the Red Sea.

MOSES and NACHSHON stand at the front of the pack.

MOSES

You do it.

NACHSHON

! 12!


14/16

No, you do it.

MOSES

Okay, well go in at the same time.

NACHSHON & MOSES

(together)

1, 2, 3!

NACHSHON

You didnt jump!

MOSES

Oh, like you were going to!

NACHSHON

Didnt God talk to you and say hed

handle this?

MOSES

God has brought us out of Egypt to be

our God. I am sure hell do something

to show us we should put our faith in

him.

All of a sudden there is a hub bub in the pack of Israelites.

Word comes to the front that Pharaohs army is coming after

them; PHARAOH has changed his mind.

NACHSHON

Well, God better act quick.

HEBREW SLAVE 1

Maybe its a clap on kind of thing

and the sea will split so we can walk

through?

The Israelites start clapping, but nothing happens.

HEBREW SLAVE 2

I can ask my Twitter followers what do

to.

MOSES

No, no. I got this.

MOSES lifts up his staff and waits. The Red Sea majestically and

magically splits in half.

! 13!


15/16

MOSES

Holy Moses!

HEBREW SLAVE 1

Bit self indulgent, dont you think?

HEBREW SLAVE 2

We should walk through this thing be-

fore Pharaohs army catches up to us.

The group moves quickly as PHARAOHs army is fast approaching.

The army arrives at the shores of the sea and starts to walk

through the dry land in the middle.

MOSES

God, please help us.

The parted water comes crashing down on PHARAOHs army. They areall killed. HEREW SLAVE 1 looks at the water.

HEBREW SLAVE 1

(whispers)

I see dead people.

MOSES

We are all saved! Did anyone have time

to pack up some bread for our journey?

EXT. MASADA - ALMOST SUNSET

COD eating some matzah and talking at the same time.

COD

Wow, how crazy is it that we found

these tapes that were in the exact or-

der of the Passover story?

MESCH

Is is pretty wild.

TOUR GUIDE

We have arrived. Everyone off the bus!

Now, who would like to do the hike and

who would like to take the tram?

All of the OLD PEOPLE and COD raise their hands. MESCH nudges

COD. He puts his hand down.

TOUR GUIDE

! 14!


16/16

Okay, I go with the alta cockers. Mesch

and Cod, we meet you up there.

COD

I guess this night will be different

from all other nights.

MESCH

Because youre getting in a little car-

dio before dinner?

COD

Well, that, and the tapes proved that

these stories weve been learning about

our whole lives actually happened. I

cant wait to show everyone. Maybe Ill

give Oprah or Kate the exclusive.

MESCH

Speaking of the tapes, where did you

leave them?

We see the tour bus driving away and for the first time we see

the face of the driver. It is ELIJAH the Prophet. The song

Chariots of Fire plays as the tour bus takes off into the sky.

MESCH

Holy Mesch!

COD

Seriously?

MESCH

Couldnt help myself. How will we ever

get back? If we start walking now, by

next year well be in Jerusalem.

COD

Thats perfect. I brought enough mana

snacks in my bag for us to get there noproblem.

ALL

Next year in Jerusalem!

FADE TO BLACK

THE END.

! 15!

Documents

Pharaonormal Activity