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SPAM® is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods, LLC
Book and Lyrics by ERIC IDLE Music by JOHN DU PREZ & ERIC IDLE
Young@Part Edition Adapted by Marc Tuminelli From the original screenplay by
Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones and Michael Palin
www.theatricalrights.com
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1/20/16
The materials contained herein are copyrighted by the authors, are not for sale, and may only be used for the single specifically licensed live theatrical production for which they were originally provided.
Any other use, transfer, reproduction or duplication including print, electronic or digital media is strictly prohibited by law.
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1
SCENE ONE THE THEATER
(Three very educated looking bow-tied HISTORIANS with horn rimmed glasses enter. A map of England appears with skulls in various places, like a Medieval weather map.)
#1 INTRODUCTION
HISTORIAN 1
England 932 A.D. A Kingdom divided. To the West, the Anglo-Saxons; to the East, the French.
HISTORIAN 2 Above, nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland. In Gwynned, Powys, and Dyfed –Plague.
HISTORIAN 3 In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, and Essex and Kent – Plague. In Mercia and the two Anglias – Plague: with a 50% chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour.
HISTORIAN 1 Legend tells of an extraordinary leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom…
HISTORIAN 2 …A man with a vision who gathered Knights together in a Holy Quest.
HISTORIAN 3 This man was Arthur, King of the Britons. For this was England!
(The set for scene two is immediately revealed).
2
SCENE TWO FINLAND
(A pretty woodland set; brightly lit with a painted mountain backdrop with pine trees. This is Finland. The stage is filled with extremely SILLY PEOPLE in highly colored Scandinavian costumes, singing and dancing in a very daft folkloric way.)
#2 FISCH SCHLAPPING SONG
ENSEMBLE
FINLAND, FINLAND, FINLAND THAT'S THE COUNTRY FOR ME!
MAYOR FINLAND IS THE COUNTRY WHERE WE DANCE FINLAND IS THE COUNTRY WHERE WE PLAY
SINGER 1 HERE IN FINLAND BOY AND GIRL CAN FIND A TRUE ROMANCE IN TRADITIONAL SCANDINAVIAN WAY
ALL SCHLIP SCHLAP – SCHLIP AND SCHLAP AWAY SCHLIP SCHLAP – SCHLAP AWAY ALL DAY SCHLIP SCHLAP – YOU SIMPLY CAN'T GO WRONG IN TRADITIONAL FISCH SCHLAPPING SONG
(The BOYS proudly produce two tiny fish, one in each hand and as they advance they slap the GIRLS across their cheeks. Everybody grins idiotically as if this was tremendous fun. After two advances the GIRLS produce a huge fish and hit the BOYS across their heads knocking them flat.)
ENSEMBLE
FINLAND FINLAND FINLAND
3
SINGER 2 THE COUNTRY WHERE I QUITE WANT TO BE
SINGER 3 PONY TREKKING
SINGER 4 OR CAMPING
ALL OR JUST WATCHING TV FINLAND FINLAND FINLAND THAT'S THE COUNTRY FOR ME!
(HISTORIAN enters in disbelief)
HISTORIAN I said England!
CHORUS Oh, sorry. Oops.(etc)
(The CHORUS strikes whatever comprises the set of Finland, They ALL exit embarrassed. The bright lights go out, replaced by darkness, a bell tolling mournfully, and medieval chanting. A large medieval castle is revealed.)
4
SCENE THREE SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND, 932 A.D.
(KING ARTHUR "rides" in, pretending to ride an imaginary horse, followed by PATSY, his servant, banging two halves of a coconut together. They take a leap.)
ARTHUR Steady. And over we go.
(PATSY makes the appropriate coconut noise for each maneuver)
Well taken, Patsy. And canter. And trot.
(They ride round the stage, giving a display of real horsemanship.) And whoa there! Well done. Hello?
(ARTHUR reins in the "horse" and surveys the castle. A GUARD appears through a window of the castle wall.)
GUARD 1 Hello?! Who goes there?
#3 KING ARTHUR'S SONG
ARTHUR
I AM ARTHUR KING OF THE BRITONS LORD AND RULER OF ALL OF ENGLAND, AND SCOTLAND AND EVEN TINY LITTLE BITS OF GAUL
GUARD 2 And I'm the Emperor of Norway. Go. Away.
5
PATSY HE IS ARTHUR KING OF THE BRITONS AND WE ARE OUT SEEKING MEN VERY STRONG MEN AND VERY ABLE
ARTHUR TO SIT AROUND OUR VERY, VERY ROUND TABLE
GUARD 1 What is it you want?
ARTHUR We have ridden the across this land in search of knights to join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
GUARD 2 What, ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR Yes!
GUARD 1 You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR What?
GUARD 2 You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're banging them together.
ARTHUR So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through…
GUARD 1 Where'd you get the coconut?
ARTHUR We found them.
6
GUARD 2
Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR What do you mean?
GUARD 1 Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR Well, it doesn't matter. Will you tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
GUARD 2 Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR Please!
(LANCE appears at the opposite window)
LANCE It could be carried by an African swallow!
ARTHUR Will YOU ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?
GUARD 1 A swallow carrying a coconut?
(The GUARD whispers to LANCE as ARTHUR, despairing of any further sensible conversation, gallops off left with PATSY.)
LANCE Well, why not? It could grip it by the husk. Hey! Who was that then?
7
GUARD 2 That's a king.
LANCE How can you tell?
GUARD 1 He hasn't got dung all over him.
(Blackout.)
- 8 -
SCENE FOUR PLAUGUE VILLAGE
(A cart filled with dead bodies pushed by a MAN in rags enters upstage right. ROBIN, THE DEAD COLLECTOR, enters banging a triangle.)
ROBIN
Bring out your Dead!
(LANCE enters dragging a small bubo-covered MAN, apparently dead, by his feet.)
LANCE Here's one.
ROBIN Nine pence.
MAN I'm not dead!
ROBIN What?
LANCE Nothing. Here's your nine pence.
MAN I'm not dead!
ROBIN Here, he says he's not dead!
LANCE Yes, he is.
MAN I'm not!
- 9 -
ROBIN He isn't.
LANCE Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
MAN
I'm getting better!
LANCE No, you're not; you'll be stone dead in a moment.
ROBIN I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
MAN I feel fine!
LANCE Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
ROBIN Oh, alright. Kevin.
LANCE Thanks, mate.
(The CARTER picks up the MAN and carries him towards the cart.)
ROBIN But make it quick. I got to get to Camelot by six.
LANCE You're going to Camelot?
ROBIN Yes.
LANCE What, you got a gig?
- 10 -
ROBIN
No, I'm going to enlist.
LANCE What, as a Knight?
ROBIN Maybe.
LANCE Well I'll come with you.
MAN I'm not dead yet.
LANCE Pipe down. I fancy some of that fighting.
ROBIN Oh, there's fighting is there?
LANCE Quite, a lot of fighting, mate. That's what the job's all about.
ROBIN Oh, I see. It's not just singing and dancing?
MAN I'd like to dance.
LANCE Look, you're not fooling anyone you know.
#4 I AM NOT DEAD YET
MAN
I feel happy. I feel happy.
- 11 -
(To illustrate how happy he is, he sings-)
I AM NOT DEAD YET I CAN DANCE AND I CAN SING I AM NOT DEAD YET I CAN DO THE HIGHLAND FLING I AM NOT DEAD YET NO NEED TO GO TO BED NO NEED TO CALL A DOCTOR 'COS I'M NOT YET DEAD
(The other BODIES on the cart quite suddenly sit up and sing-)
BODIES HE IS NOT YET DEAD THAT'S WHAT THE GEEZER SAID OH HE'S NOT YET DEAD THAT MAN IS OFF HIS HEAD HE IS NOT YET DEAD PUT HIM BACK IN BED KEEP HIM OFF THE CART BECAUSE HE'S NOT YET DEAD
(The MAN dances frenetically to show them he is healthy until LANCE whacks him smartly on the head with a shovel from the cart. The MAN drops like a stone.)
BODIES (CONT'D)
WELL, NOW HE'S DEAD YOU WHACKED HIM ON THE HEAD SURE NOW HE'S DEAD IT MAKES ME JUST SEE RED WHO IS THAT BRUTE WHO FLATTENED THAT OLD COOT? YOU, VERY SILLY FELLOW, NOW HE'S REALLY DEAD
(LANCE menaces them with his shovel)
- 12 -
LANCE MY NAME IS LANCELOT I'M BIG AND STRONG AND HOT OCCASION'LLY I DO SOME THINGS THAT I SHOULD NOT
ROBIN I WANT TO BE A KNIGHT BUT I DON'T LIKE TO FIGHT I'M RATHER SCARED I MAY JUST SIMPLY RUN AWAY
LANCE I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU, ROBIN THROUGH AND THROUGH AND THROUGH SO STICK WITH ME AND I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT TO DO
BOTH WE'LL REMAIN GOOD CHUMS
LANCE YOU CAN TEACH ME HOW TO DANCE
BOTH WE'RE GOING TO ENLIST
ROBIN I'M ROBIN
LANCE AND I'M LANCE
LANCELOT, ROBIN, & BODIES OH, WE'RE OFF TO WAR BECAUSE WE'RE NOT YET DEAD WE WILL ALL ENLIST AS THE KNIGHTS THAT ARTHUR LED
- 13 -
MAN
I AM COMING TOO MY NAME WILL BE SIR FRED I'LL BE YOUR MUSICIAN 'COS I'M NOT YET DEAD
ALL WE'RE GOING OFF TO WAR WE'LL HAVE VICTORIES BY THE SCORE
MAN WE'LL BE LOYAL TO THE CORPS
ALL
'CAUSE WE'RE NOT YET
(LANCE whacks him over the head again and he drops like a stone.)
ALL (EXCEPT MAN)
DEAD! NOT YET DEAD!
(Ensemble exits in blackout with transition to Scene 5)
14
SCENE FIVE A mud village
(ARTHUR rides in with PATSY. DENNIS GALAHAD enters behind a small traveling mound of mud. He is mining for mud.)
ARTHUR Over! Old woman!
DENNIS Man!
ARTHUR Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS I'm _______(use age).
ARTHUR What?
DENNIS I'm not old!
ARTHUR Well, I can't just call you 'Man.'
DENNIS Well, you could say 'Dennis.'
ARTHUR Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis.'
DENNIS Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR Look…I did say I was sorry about the 'old woman' thing, but really, from behind you do look like…
15
DENNIS What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR Well, I am king...
DENNIS Oh, king, eh, very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers?? If there's ever going to be any progress…
(DENNIS’S MOTHER ENTERS)
MOTHER Dennis, there's a lot of good mud over there. Oh how d'you do?
ARTHUR How do you do, good lady.
MOTHER How d'you do. I'm Mrs. Galahad, widowed mother of Dennis, married to Nobby the Cretin, dropped dead last Tuesday, which does leave me sadly available.
ARTHUR I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
MOTHER King of the who?
ARTHUR The Britons.
MOTHER Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR Well, we all are. We are all Britons and I am your king.
MOTHER I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an independent collective.
16
ARTHUR Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! I am in haste. Who is your lord?
MOTHER Oh! Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
ARTHUR I am your king!
MOTHER Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR You don't vote for kings.
#5 THE LADY OF THE LAKE
MOTHER Well, how did you become king then?
ARTHUR Well, I'll tell you. One day, as I was riding forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake!
DENNIS Was she alive?
ARTHUR Yes. She was…the Lady of the Lake! She lives in the lake.
DENNIS What, underwater?
ARTHUR Yes.
(DENNIS indicates to his mother that ARTHUR is not right in the head.)
17
ARTHUR (CONT’D) She appeared to me out of the water… holding aloft Excalibur signifying that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
(ARTHUR draws his sword. It shines mystically.)
PATSY Excalibur!
CHORUS (OFFSTAGE) EXCALIBUR! AH – AH!
(DENNIS and his MOTHER look around to see who sang.)
ARTHUR That is why I am your King.
DENNIS Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some fake aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR It's not just an ordinary sword. How many swords have their own names?
DENNIS If I went around saying I was an emperor just because some watery lady had lobbed a sword at me they'd put me away!
ARTHUR Do you think I could make that up? Very well, since you don't believe me, if I prove to you that the Lady of the Lake exists, will you join my army and enlist as a knight?
DENNIS Oh sure, if she exists, I'll join any army. And for the Tooth Fairy, I'll join the Navy …
ARTHUR Very well. Watch this.
18
(ARTHUR walks forward and kneels.)
ARTHUR O Lady of the Lake, please reveal to this doubting Thomas…
DENNIS Dennis.
ARTHUR …please reveal to this doubting Dennis that you are real!
CHORUS
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
(The LADY OF THE LAKE and her LAKER GIRLS emerge)
DENNIS Oh, my!
(The LADY OF THE LAKE steps forward and appeals to young DENNIS.)
LADY OF THE LAKE COME WITH ME COME WITH ME COME WITH ME, SWEET GALAHAD YOU'LL BE A MAN JOIN ARTHUR'S CLAN COME WITH ME AND I WILL MAKE YOU GLAD. GALAHAD, SWEET GALAHAD BE A KNIGHT IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOUR VOW IF YOU COME WITH ME NOW I'LL SHOW YOU HOW
(The LADY OF THE LAKE offers her hand to DENNIS)
19
DENNIS OH, WOW.
(Completely entranced, DENNIS takes her hand and follows her off. MOTHER recovers from her shock and awe and sees what is happening too late.)
MOTHER 'Ere, you leave him alone you watery witch. Dennis. Come back. You'll catch a nasty cold in that pond.
#6 LAKER GIRLS
ARTHUR
Stand aside, Mrs. Galahad, while the Lady of the Lake and her Laker Girls welcome your son into my army.
(ARTHUR blows a referee’s whistle. The LAKER GIRLS rush forward ripping off their frond dresses to reveal Cheerleader costumes underneath. They produce pom-poms and perform a high-kicking clichéd Cheerleader routine for ARTHUR.)
I AM ARTHUR KING OF THE BRITONS AND WE'RE SEEKING MEN WHO ARE ABLE AND SO WE'RE RECRUITING DENNIS TO SIT AT OUR VERY, VERY, VERY ROUND TABLE
LAKER GIRLS (Chanted like cheerleaders)
READY? O.K.!. K-I-N G-A-R T-H-U-R ARTHUR K-I-N G-A-R T-H-U-R ARTHUR ARTHUR KING
20
ARTHUR KING THE BIGGEST AND THE COOLEST THING
ARTHUR WHO'S THE KING?
LAKER GIRLS U.R.
ARTHUR WHO'S THE KING?
LAKER GIRLS U.R. A-R-T-H-U-R ARTHUR!
(A frog enters does a cartwheel and exits. ARTHUR double-takes.)
WHO IS NEXT TO ENLIST? DENNIS, DENNIS
PATSY
WHO IS?
ARTHUR AND PATSY "DEN" IS!
LAKER GIRLS AND PATSY
THE LADY OF THE LAKE WILL MAKE HIM A MAN IF SHE CAN'T DO IT NOBODY CAN
ARTHUR AND PATSY
WHO WILL HE BE?
LAKER GIRLS G-A-L-A-H-A-D
(The LAKER GIRLS reveal a card with a letter on it)
21
LAKER GIRLS (CON’T)
G-A-L-A-H-A…
(MRS. GALAHAD jumps in to reveal the letter…)
MOTHER D!
(PATSY rushes forward with a megaphone)
PATSY Tonight, King Arthur presents the Lady of the Lake and the Knighting of Dennis Galahad!
(A magnificent boat sails in through the Gateway. DENNIS stands totally transformed. He is no longer dirty muddy DENNIS. He is spotless, wearing chain mail armor and a white tunic with the red cross of St. George. He stands in a stiff pose with his long blonde hair streaming in the wind. The LADY OF THE LAKE is at his side, her arms entwined around his waist, gazing up at him adoringly in a classic "Phantom of the Opera" pose. If possible From above, a chandelier slowly descends (or an actor can run across with a Chandelier). GALAHAD and the LADY OF THE LAKE step from the boat and sing an over-the-top romantic ballad.)
CHORUS AH! AH! AH!
WOMEN AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!
MEN AH! AH! AHHHHHHHHHHH!
#7 THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS
22
DENNIS ONCE IN EVERY SHOW THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS IT STARTS OFF SOFT AND LOW AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS OH, WHERE IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS?
(Spoken in rhythm) WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT? WHERE? WHERE? WHERE
LADY OF THE LAKE A SENTIMENTAL SONG THAT CASTS A MAGIC TRANCE THEY ALL WILL HUM ALONG WE'LL OVERACT AND DANCE OH, THIS IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS
DENNIS
I'M FEELING VERY PROUD
LADY OF THE LAKE YOU'RE SINGING FAR TOO LOUD
DENNIS THAT'S THE WAY THAT THIS SONG GOES
LADY OF THE LAKE YOU'RE STANDING ON MY TOES
BOTH SINGING OUR SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS
(The song modulates even higher)
SOLO 1 I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S MORE
SOLO 2
IT'S FAR TOO LONG, I'M SURE
23
SOLO 3
THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH THIS SONG IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON
LADY AND DENNIS FOR THIS IS THE SONG THAT IS TOO LONG
(It still continues…)
LADY OF THE LAKE LET'S STOP THIS DARN REFRAIN
LAKER GIRLS
AH!
BOTH BEFORE WE GO INSANE… THE SONG ALWAYS ENDS
LAKER GIRLS ENDS
BOTH LIKE
LAKER GIRLS LIKE
ALL THIS!
(The final note triggers electrical sparks and destruction of the chandelier...)
#7A THE SONG THAT GOES – PLAYOFF
(THE LADY retreats, the GIRLS exit, the stage clears leaving ARTHUR, PATSY, and DENNIS.)
24
#8 THE KNIGHTING OF GALAHAD
ARTHUR
Come, kneel.
DENNIS Dennis!
ARTHUR Come, Dennis. Kneel.
(GALAHAD kneels while ARTHUR knights him) Arise, Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD Oh, thank you, King Arthur. I feel ever so much better now.
PATSY
'Ere, Dennis, what has she done to your voice?
GALAHAD I'm talking properly now, because I am a Knight.
ARTHUR Come, let us to horse.
GALAHAD (hesitates)
To what?
ARTHUR To horse!
(GALAHAD "mounts" his imaginary horse. He "rides" off gingerly, stage right.)
PATSY Come on. Come on. You'll soon get the hang of it.
25
SCENE SIX
(ARTHUR and PATSY enter followed one by one by the KNIGHTS. The HISTORIANs appear.)
#9 ALL FOR ONE
HISTORIAN 1
And so, King Arthur gathered more Knights together, bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land to sit at the Round Table.
HISTORIAN 2 The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere.
(BEDEVERE enters flapping his tabard, as if he has just farted.) HISTORIAN 3
The dashingly handsome Sir Galahad…
(SIR GALAHAD enters and shakes his blonde mane preciously) HISTORIAN 1
The impressively brave Sir Lancelot…
(LANCELOT enters and looks terrified) Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot…
(SIR ROBIN enters holding a rubber chicken)
…who slew the vicious chicken of Bristol!
HISTORIAN 2 And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-show.
(SIR NOT-APPEARING, a Knight in Spanish armor, enters. They all look at him.)
26
SIR NOT-APPEARING Sorry.
(He exits sheepishly)
HISTORIAN 3 Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries…
ALL HISTORIANS The Knights of the Round Table!
(The KNIGHTS do a soft shoe shuffle and then gather around a campfire, produced from PATSY'S sack as night falls)
KNIGHTS
ALL FOR ONE ONE FOR ALL ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL
BEDEVERE SOME FOR SOME
GALAHAD NONE FOR NONE
ROBIN SLIGHTLY LESS FOR PEOPLE WE DON'T LIKE
LANCELOT AND A LITTLE BIT MORE FOR ME
ALL (EXCEPT ARTHUR) ALL ROUND THIS BLIGHTY LAND WE ARE HIS MIGHTY BAND OOOO
ARTHUR OOOO
27
KNIGHTS (EXCEPT ARTHUR) KING ARTHUR'S STRONGEST KNIGHTS WE ARE PREPARED TO FIGHT WHOOOO- EVER
(KING ARTHUR steps forward to address them around the campfire)
ARTHUR Knights, tonight is the night when all my knights……unite. Tonight we shine a bright light on to a mystery of history: to wit – why are we called the Middle Ages when nothing comes after us? Someday, history will speak of a legendary king and his knights!
KNIGHTS ALL FOR ONE
KNIGHTS (CON’T) ONE FOR ALL FROM HIGH TO LOW FROM BIG TO SMALL
ARTHUR Together, we will bring chivalry to a rude and churlish time. But first, I thought, "Let's go to Camelot!"
LANCE AND ROBIN To Camelot!
GALAHAD, BEDEVERE, AND PATSY To Camelot!
ARTHUR And remember, gentlemen. What happens in Camelot, stays in Camelot!
(Lights and set transition to next scene as Arthur and the Knights roll-out for Camelot!)
28
SCENE SEVEN
[The Court of Camelot] (The garishly lit neon exterior of The Castle of Camelot. Like a hotel in Las Vegas, A beyond over the top Broadway number in the worst possible taste.)
#10 KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
GIRLS CAMELOT THE TOWN THAT NEVER SLEEPS IT'S CAMELOT!
ALL KNIGHTS Hello! Welcome to Camelot!
ARTHUR HUP!
BARITONES
HUP!
TENORS HUP!
BASSES HUP!
LANCELOT, BEDEVERE, GALAHAD, & ROBIN HUP!
ARTHUR AND THE KNIGHTS WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE WE DANCE WHENE'ER WE'RE ABLE WE DO ROUTINES AND CHORUS SCENES WITH FOOTWORK IMPECC-ABLE WE DINE WELL HERE IN CAMELOT WE EAT HAM AND JAM AND SPAM-A-LOT
29
ARTHUR AND THE KNIGHTS (CONT’D) SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM
WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE OUR SHOWS ARE FOR-MID-ABLE BUT MANY TIMES, WE'RE GIVEN RHYMES THAT ARE QUITE UNSING-ABLE WE'RE OPERA MAD IN CAMELOT WE SING FROM THE DIAPHRAGM A LOT
ARTHUR
Ladies and gentlemen – We bring you the finest entertainment available in all of Camelot – the Lady of the Lounge.
(THE LADY OF THE LOUNGE - a female lounge singer enters and pulls a microphone out of the back of her pants suit and nods to the audience acknowledging their applause in true diva fashion.)
LADY OF THE LOUNGE Thank you… thank you so very much…
(Singing in a very "Vegas" way, very Judy Garland/Liza Minnelli)
ONCE IN EV'RY SHOW THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS IT STARTS OFF SOFT AND LOW AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS OH, WHERE IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS?
FOR THIS IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE …(SCATS) A WHOP BOP (ETC.)
ARTHUR
(Scats) DOO WHOP A DIDDLE
(Etc.)
LADY OF THE LOUNGE THEY'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
30
ARTHUR THEY DANCE WHENE'ER THEY'RE ABLE
LADY OF THE LOUNGE THEY'RE KNIGHTS
ARTHUR NOT DAYS, BUT KNIGHTS
LADY OF THE LOUNGE & ARTHUR NOT DAWN, NOT DUSK NOT LATE AFTERNOON BUT KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE
ALL ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE WE WON! WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE WE DANCE WHENE'ER WE'RE ABLE WE DO ROUTINES AND GORY SCENES THAT ARE TOO CRUDE FOR CABLE WE EAT HAM AND JAM POW! WE EAT HAM AND JAM AND SPAM-A-LOT! SPAMALOT!
(Blackout.)
31
SCENE EIGHT
AT THE FEET OF GOD (Loud bolt of lightning and crack of thunder and a very powerful light shines. We see two huge feet. These are the feet of GOD. The KNIGHTS all fall to their knees.)
# 10A PART 1 AT THE FEET OF GOD
GOD
Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's people groveling.
ARTHUR Sorry, Lord!!
GOD And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's, 'sorry this,' and, 'forgive me that,’ and, 'I'm not worthy'. What are you doing waiting your time in Camelot!?
ARTHUR Well, we were dancing Lord and…
GOD Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
ARTHUR Oh, good idea, oh Lord!
GOD Of course it's a good idea! I'm God, Now this shall be your Quest. Behold! The Grail appears projected on the clouds. Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well. For that is your purpose, Arthur, the Quest for the Holy Grail.
ARTHUR But how will I…?
GOD Just find the Grail, okay. And quickly this is the one act version!
32
# 10A PART 2 HAND OF GOD
(GOD lifts off like a NASA launch. Smoke pours out of his feet as they ascend.)
ARTHUR God be praised! We have a Quest.
BEDEVERE To find the Grail.
ROBIN The Quail!
ARTHUR No, the Grail. The vessel used at The Last Supper.
ROBIN They had a boat at the Last Supper? Was it a sort of Dinner Cruise?
ARTHUR The Grail is a Cup.
ROBIN God the Almighty and All Knowing has misplaced a cup?
GALAHAD Apparently.
ROBIN Doesn't sound very plausible. If God is all-knowing He must know where it is.
GALAHAD It does seem very careless. There must be other cups he could use.
ROBIN Couldn't we just buy him another one?
ARTHUR Look, it's not just about a missing mug. It's a metaphor. We must all look for the Grail within us.
33
ROBIN
Somebody's swallowed it?
ARTHUR Nobody has swallowed it. Look, just go and find it.
(The Knights begin their quest with the immediate transition to the next scene.)
34
SCENE NINE
THE QUEST FOR THE GRAIL
#11 FIND YOUR GRAIL
(The LADY OF THE LAKE appears, singing an over the top ballad, accompanied by her LAKER GIRLS, ENSEMBLE, as ARTHUR AND THE KNIGHTS traverse the set in their search.)
BOYS
AH
LAKER GIRLS AH
BOYS AH
LAKER GIRLS AH
BOYS AH
LAKER GIRLS AH
BOYS AH
LAKER GIRLS AH
LADY OF THE LAKE IF YOU TRUST IN YOUR SOUL KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE GOAL THEN THE PRIZE YOU WON'T FAIL THAT'S YOUR GRAIL, THAT'S YOUR GRAIL
35
LAKER GIRL 1
SO BE STRONG KEEP RIGHT ON TO THE END OF YOUR SONG
LAKER GIRL 2
DO NOT FAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL
LADY OF THE LAKE LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO SO KEEP RIGHT TO THE END YOU'LL FIND YOUR GOAL MY FRIEND YOU WON'T FAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL
(The CHORUS emerges with banners that read "Support Our Troops" "Quest for the Grail" "Go Arthur" etc. ARTHUR calls the KNIGHTS together to climb a cutout mountain which slides on.)
ENSEMBLE AH! AH! AH!
KNIGHTS (EXCEPT ARTHUR) FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL
36
(They descend the mountain only to turn and scamper back, handing their beacons to PATSY. ARTHUR remains at the top of the mountain as he speaks the next verse.The KNIGHTS all ride their horses in slow-motion as he intones the words seriously.)
ARTHUR
(Spoken in rhythm) WHEN YOUR LIFE SEEMS TO DRIFT WHEN WE ALL NEED A LIFT TRIM YOUR SAIL YOU WON'T FAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL
(Sings) LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND
LADY OF THE LAKE AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO YOU CAN'T DO!
KNIGHTS & LADY WOMEN AND MEN
SO KEEP RIGHT AH SO KEEP RIGHT TO THE END TO THE END YOU'LL FIND AH YOUR GOAL MY FRIEND FIND YOUR FRIEND YOU WON'T FAIL AH FIND YOUR GRIAL AH FIND YOUR GRAIL AH
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ALL FIND YOUR GRAIL!
#11A IN SEARCH OF THE GRAIL
(The KNIGHTS break into a tight riding group with ARTHUR in front as two other KNIGHTS alternately bring on labeled buckets which they empty over the group.)
KNIGHT 1 Spring!
(Empties pink blossoms over them)
KNIGHT 2 Summer!
(Empties green leaves over them)
KNIGHT 1 Winter!
(Empties snow over them)
KNIGHT 2 Water!
(The KNIGHTS object and shove him away. A painted cyclorama unrolls a series of landscapes that provide a backdrop for our KNIGHTS to ride by, to the appropriate music cue. ARTHUR and PATSY are in China. LANCE is sideways in Egypt before a pyramid. ROBIN, with a ukulele, is in Hawaii before a volcano. GALAHAD does a Swiss lederhosen dance in front of snow capped mountains. Finally the two bucket KNIGHTS enter from opposite sides and sweep the stage clear of scattered debris. They stare at the audience totally disinterested.)
38
SCENE TEN
THE FRENCH CASTLE
(KING ARTHUR and his KNIGHTS arrive at the foot of the castle, and dismount.)
ARTHUR Halt! Hello! Hello!
(The TAUNTER, a silly mustachioed Frenchman, appears in the battlements of the castle.)
TAUNTER 1 'Allo! Who is it?
ARTHUR It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
TAUNTER 2 This is the castle of my master, Guy de Lombard!
ARTHUR Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he may join us on our quest for the Holy Grail.
TAUNTER 1 Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?
ARTHUR What?
GALAHAD He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR Are you sure he's got one?
TAUNTER 2 Oh, yes, it's very nice.
39
TAUNTER 2 (CONT’D) (Aside)
Hey! I told him we already got one!
(The FRENCH GUARDS titter in mirth. We see only their helmets nodding in glee.)
GUARDS Tee-hee.
ARTHUR Well, can we come in and have a look?
TAUNTER 1 Of course not! You are English bed-wetting types!
ARTHUR Well, what are you then?
TAUNTER 2 We’re French! Why do you think we have this outrageous accent, you silly king?
ARTHUR If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take this castle by force!
TAUNTER 1 You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English knnnniggets.
ARTHUR Now look here my good man!
TAUNTER 1 I don't want to talk to you no more you empty-headed, animal-food-trough wipers!... I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go away or we shall taunt you a second time.
GALAHAD Is there someone else we could talk to?
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TAUNTER 2
Hey, no chance, son of a window-dresser!
ARTHUR I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
TAUNTERS 1 & 2 Thppt (Blowing a Raspberry)
FRENCHIES
Thppt.
ROBIN
They're making rude noises, sir.
GALAHAD The fiends. They haven't an ounce of chivalry.
TAUNTER 1 Now go away, you English bulldogs, I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters. Thppt!
ARTHUR What do we do, Bedevere?
BEDEVERE Well, I believe it's time for Plan B, Sire.
ARTHUR And what is that?
BEDEVERE Run away.
ALL KNIGHTS Run away!!!
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TAUNTER 2
French people!
#12 RUN AWAY
(A Group of FRENCHIES Enter as back up for the TAUNTERS, They can either look like additional TAUNTERS or FRENCH PEOPLE - MEN with matelot shirts and baguettes and berets, a PAINTER in a smock, a MIME and the GIRL FROM "LES MISERABLES" in the raincoat and hat, all making appreciative French-sounding ad libs)
FRENCHIES
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA HA, HA, HA, HA, HA YOU ENGLISH ARE ALL SILLY FOLK YOUR MOTHERS ARE ALL RUGGER FOLK YOUR ARMY IS A FUNNY JOKE YOU COULDN'T BEAT AN ARTICHOKE IF BATTLE YOU CHOOSE TO RENEW WE'LL TAUNT YOU TILL YOU ALL TURN BLUE WE TURN OUR BUMS UP AS YOU PART IN YOUR DIRECTION WE ALL FART
BRITS
Run away! (The ENGLISH run, the FRENCHIES chase after them)
ALL
RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY!
(The ENGLISH scatter and the FRENCHIES run off after them, leaving the 3 HISTORIANS on stage, with transition to the next scene.)
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SCENE ELEVEN THE THEATER
(The HISTORIANS enter.)
#12A THE VERY EXPENSIVE FOREST
HISTORIAN 1
Defeat, at the castle, seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.
HISTORIAN 2 The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise. King Arthur and his Knights fled from the Castle.
HISTORIAN 3 During a very quick but intense storm the Knights were scattered and lost in a dark,,,and very expensive forest.
(The HISTORIANS exit with the transition to next scene as the very expensive forest appears.)
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SCENE TWELVE
A VERY EXPENSIVE FOREST (KING ARTHUR rides in with PATSY)
ARTHUR This is a total disaster! All my Knights are missing and we're lost in a dark and extremely expensive forest.
PATSY
Well, it could be worse.
ARTHUR How could it possibly be worse?
VOICE Ni!
ARTHUR Oh, no.
VOICE Ni!
VOICES Ni Peng! Ni Wom! Ni.
(The KNIGHTS OF NI wear furry cloaks and distinctive helmets with huge antlers. THE PRINCIPAL KNIGHT OF NI stands on stilts, hidden by his long robe. He carries a staff with an owl's head to support himself.)
ARTHUR Who are you?
NI KNIGHT We are the Knights Who Say… Ni!
ARTHUR No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!
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NI KNIGHT
The same! We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni Peng, and Ni-wom!
VOICE Ni-wom!
ARTHUR Those who hear these words seldom live to tell the tale!
PATSY Oh, great.
NI KNIGHT The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
ARTHUR Oh, Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers lost in these woods.
NI KNIGHT Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR Oh, ow!
NI KNIGHT We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR Well, what is it that you want?
NI KNIGHT We want… a shrubbery!
NI KNIGHTS A shrubbery! A shrubbery!
45
ARTHUR Where are we going to find a shrubbery?
NI KNIGHT If you do not find us a shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with… a herring.
(The KNIGHT produces a large herring from his costume.)
NI KNIGHTS A Herring! Herring! Herring!
(PATSY and ARTHUR exchange glances)
ARTHUR All right. We'll find you a shrubbery.
NI KNIGHT Good! You must return here with a lovely shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!
(The KNIGHTS OF NI all exit, saying, “Ni!” as ARTHUR and PATSY cower.)
ARTHUR Where are we going to find a shrubbery?
PATSY Well, maybe we can build one? Out of cats.
ARTHUR Don't be ridiculous. Where are we going to find cats? This is a total disaster. You think it would be easy: one, round up a bunch of knights; two, seek and find the Holy Grail; and five…
PATSY Three, sir.
#13 ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
ARTHUR
Three, go home. But no. I'm so depressed.
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PATSY Cheer up, Sire. You know what they say…
ARTHUR What do they say, Patsy?
PATSY SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE BAD, THEY CAN REALLY MAKE YOU MAD. OTHER THINGS JUST MAKE YOU SWEAR AND CURSE. WHEN YOU'RE CHEWING ON LIFE'S GRISTLE, DON'T GRUMBLE, GIVE A WHISTLE! AND THIS'LL HELP THINGS TURN OUT FOR THE BEST... AND... ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
(Whistles) ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
(Speaks) You try it...
(ARTHUR fails to whistle)
PATSY (CONT'D) (Sings)
IF LIFE SEEMS JOLLY ROTTEN, THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'VE FORGOTTEN! AND THAT'S TO LAUGH AND SMILE AND DANCE AND SING, WHEN YOU'RE FEELING IN THE DUMPS, DON'T BE SILLY CHUMPS, JUST PURSE YOUR LIPS AND WHISTLE, THAT'S THE THING! AND…
(A chorus line of KNIGHTS enter singing and whistling. They are a part of ARTHUR and PATSY’S dream sequence.)
PATSY & KNIGHTS ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
(Whistles) ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
(Whistles)
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KNIGHT 1
(The KNIGHTS sing back-up "Ooos")
FOR LIFE IS QUITE ABSURD, AND DEATH'S THE FINAL WORD.
KNIGHT 2 YOU MUST ALWAYS FACE THE CURTAIN WITH A BOW!
KNIGHT 3 FORGET ABOUT YOUR SIN — GIVE THE AUDIENCE A GRIN, ENJOY IT — IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE ANYHOW!
(It begins to rain heavily. PATSY runs and picks up an umbrella which he holds over ARTHUR'S head.)
ARTHUR
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF DEATH!
CHORUS (Whistles)
ARTHUR JUST BEFORE YOU DRAW YOUR TERMINAL BREATH.
CHORUS (Whistles)
ARTHUR LIFE CAN BE THE PITS WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT LIFE'S A LAUGH AND DEATH'S A JOKE, IT'S TRUE
PATSY YOU'LL SEE IT'S ALL A SHOW KEEP 'EM LAUGHING AS YOU GO
(ARTHUR grabs PATSY's umbrella)
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ARTHUR
JUST REMEMBER THAT THE LAST LAUGH IS ON YOU!
KNIGHTS ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
(Whistle) ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
(Whistle) (PATSY and the KNIGHTS go into a Tap Break with the umbrellas.)
PATSY & KNIGHTS ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
(Whistle) ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
(KNIGHTS exit the dream portion as PATSY AND ARTHUR continue.)
PATSY Follow me, Sire!
PATSY & ARTHUR FOR LIFE IS QUITE ABSURD AND DEATH'S THE FINAL WORD YOU MUST ALWAYS FACE THE CURTAIN WITH A BOW
(MRS. GALAHAD enters pulling a small low cart with a shrubbery on it.)
ARTHUR Excuse me, is that a shrubbery?
MOTHER Yes, I was just throwing it out; the cat won't leave it alone.
ARTHUR What a stroke of luck! I'll take it off your hands. Thank you, Patsy!
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ARTHUR & PATSY ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE... ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE… SIDE OF LIFE… SIDE OF LIFE...!
(PATSY and ARTHUR end triumphantly and then exit hurriedly holding their shrubbery with transition to the next scene.)
50
SCENE THIRTEEN ANOTHER PART OF THE VERY EXPENSIVE FOREST
# 14 BRAVE SIR ROBIN
(SIR ROBIN, with four MINSTRELS, enters MINSTRELS “ playing” fife, lute, tambourine and tabor. They skip and dance downstage, ROBIN'S smile freezing fast as he listens to the lyrics.)
MINSTREL 1 BRAVELY BOLD SIR ROBIN, RODE FORTH FROM CAMELOT HE WAS NOT AFRAID TO DIE, O BRAVE SIR ROBIN HE WAS NOT AT ALL AFRAID TO BE KILLED IN NASTY WAYS BRAVE, BRAVE, BRAVE, BRAVE SIR ROBIN!
MINSTREL 2 HE WAS NOT IN THE LEAST BIT SCARED TO BE MASHED INTO A PULP, OR TO HAVE HIS EYES GOUGED OUT, AND HIS ELBOWS BROKEN TO HAVE HIS KNEECAPS SPLIT, AND HIS BODY BURNED AWAY, AND HIS LIMBS ALL HACKED AND MANGLED, BRAVE SIR ROBIN!
MINSTREL 1 HIS HEAD SMASHED IN AND HIS HEART CUT OUT, AND HIS LIVER REMOVED AND HIS EARS PULLED OFF, AND HIS NOSTRILS RIPPED AND HIS BOTTOM BURNED OFF, AND HIS EYE BALLS SPLIT AND HIS…
(ROBIN puts his finger firmly on the tambourine)
ROBIN That's… enough music for now, lads.
[SFX: LOUD Clap of Thunder]
ROBIN (CONT’D) OOOOOH!
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(ROBIN runs from the thunder) After a beat his MUSICIANS pursue him, singing.)
MINSTREL 1&2
BRAVE SIR ROBIN RAN AWAY! BRAVELY RAN AWAY, AWAY
LET US PRAISE THAT MAN ALL DAY WHO SOILED HIS PANTS AND THEN RAN AWAY… WHEN DANGER REARED ITS UGLY HEAD, HE SIMLPY SOILED HIMSELF INSTEAD
52
SCENE FOURTEEN ANOTHER PART OF THE VERY EXPENSIVE FOREST
(ARTHUR enters with PATSY holding the Shrubbery. ROBIN enters from the opposite side)
ARTHUR Robin! There you are!! Are you running away from something?
ROBIN No, no, Sire, I was not running away. I was running…to…where I thought the Grail might be… Sort of over here.
(The KNIGHT OF NI has slipped on and scares him.)
NI KNIGHT Hello!
ROBIN Ah!
(ROBIN holds his pants. There may have been another accident.)
NI KNIGHT So I come again, unexpectedly!
ROBIN You fool, that really scared me, it is so…
KNIGHTS Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT Don't say that word.
ROBIN What word?
HEAD KNIGHT I cannot tell. Suffice to say that's one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
53
ROBIN
How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! He said the word again!
ARTHUR What? Is?
HEAD KNIGHT No, not is – you wouldn't get very far in life not saying is.
ARTHUR Oh, stop it!
KNIGHTS Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT Stop saying the word!
ROBIN Is it stop?
KNIGHTS Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT Oh, you said it again! Oh, I just said it! Oh I said it again! Oh, that's three times I've said it!
(ARTHUR grabs the shrubbery from PATSY)
ARTHUR O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery.
NI KNIGHTS Oooooo….
54
ARTHUR
May we pass now?
HEAD KNIGHT Hm. That is a good shrubbery. I like the cat smell particularly. But there is one small problem.
ARTHUR And what is that?
HEAD KNIGHT We are now... no longer The Knights Who Say Ni.
OTHERS Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT Shh shh. We are now The Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-f'tang-f'tang- boing-boing-olé biscuit barrel… (etc. ad lib) Therefore, we must give you a new test.
ARTHUR What is this test, O Knights of Ecky ecky… O Artists formerly known as The Knights Who Say Ni?
HEAD KNIGHT The new test is you must put on a Broadway musical.
ROBIN Oh, yes!
HEAD KNIGHT But not an Andrew Lloyd Webber.
ALL Ahhh. No. No.
HEAD KNIGHT C'mon, let’s go book seats on the web. (Exits with all Ni Knights.)
55
NI KNIGHTS (EXITING) Ecky, ecky, F'tang, F'tang…
ARTHUR Have you heard of this Broadway?
ROBIN
Yes, Sire, and we don't stand a chance.
ARTHUR Why not?
(ROBIN steps toward the audience)
ROBIN Because Broadway…
#14A BROADWAY UNDERSCORE … is a very special place, filled with very special people; people who can sing and dance, often at the same time. They are, a multi-talented people, a people who need people, who are in many ways the luckiest people in the world. I'm sorry, Sire, but we don't have a chance.
ARTHUR Well, there must be something we can do?
ROBIN Well, let me put it like this. Every show needs a leading lady, a star, a diva, a theatrical force that sings and dances and acts?
ROBIN
Where will ever find that?
ARTHUR It’s Hopeless…
[SFX: LOUDEST Clap of Thunder] (ROBIN is terrified beyond belief and runs away as ARTHUR and PATSY bolt in the opposite direction with transition the next scene.
56
SCENE FIFTEEN THE THEATER
(An irate LADY OF THE LAKE, in a dressing gown storms on. She snaps her fingers for her spotlight)
#15 WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PART?
LADY OF THE LAKE
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PART? IT WAS EXCITING AT THE START NOW WE'RE ALMOST THORUGH PART TWO
AND I HAVE NO MORE LINES TO SAY I'VE BEEN OFF STAGE FOR FAR TOO LONG IT'S AGES SINCE I HAD A SONG THIS IS ONE UNHAPPY DIVA THE PRODUCER'S A DECEIVER SHE TOLD ME TO BELIEVE HER THERE IS NOTHING I CAN SING FROM MY HEART. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PART? I AM SICK OF MY CAREER ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR UP TO HERE WITH FRUSTRATION CATCH MY DRIFT? I’VE NO GRAMMY, NO REWARDS I’VE NO TONY AWARDS I’M CONSTANTLY REPLACED BY TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR SWIFT! WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY SHOW? I WAS A HIT NOW I DON'T KNOW I'M WITH A BUNCH OF BRITISH KNIGHTS PRANCING 'ROUND IN WOOLY TIGHTS! I MIGHT AS WELL GO GET SOME GRUB THEY'VE BEEN OUT SEARCHING FOR A SHRUB OUT SHOPPING FOR A BUSH WELL THEY CAN KISS MY TUSH IT SEEMS TO ME THEY'VE REALLY LOST THE PLOT
57
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY I SWEAR I'LL CALL MY AGENT WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY NOT YOURS NOT YOURS BUT MY PART!
(A large bouquet lands on stage at her feet and she takes them and exits happily. Blackout.)
58
SCENE SIXTEEN
YET ANOTHER PART OF THE VERY EXPENSIVE FOREST
(ARTHUR and PATSY take stock of the situation.)
ARTHUR How are we going to put on a Broadway show with out a leading lady? Broadway's a thousand years in the future in a country that hasn't yet been discovered. So let me get this straight. I'm a King, without a single knight to command. There's nobody. I'm absolutely alone.
#16 I'M ALL ALONE
ARTHUR
(Sings) I'M ALL ALONE ALL BY MYSELF THERE IS NO ONE HERE BESIDE ME
(PATSY looks puzzled. There is him.)
I'M ALL ALONE QUITE ALL ALONE NO ONE TO COMFORT ME OR GUIDE ME WHY IS THERE NO ONE HERE WITH ME ON THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD? TO LIFT MY HEAVY LOAD
(PATSY looks at his heavy load)
IF THERE WAS SOMEONE HERE WITH ME HOW HAPPY I WOULD BE…
(ARTHUR stares at PATSY and may be about to recognize him. But no.)
BUT I'M ALONE SO ALL ALONE
JUST BY MYSELF I'M ALL ALONE
59
ARTHUR (CONT’D) I'M ALL ALONE
PATSY
HE'S ALL ALONE
ARTHUR ALL BY MYSELF
PATSY EXCEPT FOR ME
ARTHUR I CANNOT FACE TOMORROW
PATSY HE CANNOT FACE IT!
ARTHUR I'M ALL ALONE
PATSY THOUGH I AM HERE
ARTHUR SO ALL ALONE
PATSY SO VERY NEAR
ARTHUR NO ONE TO SHARE MY SORROW BUT I'M ALONE
PATSY OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT
ARTHUR SO ALL ALONE
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PATSY I’M ALL YOU GOT
ARTHUR
ALL BY MYSELF I'M ALL ALONE
(The stage fills with dreamy KNIGHTS & LADIES & Ensemble, which ARTHUR never sees.)
PATSY & KNIGHTS HE'S ALL ALONE!
ARTHUR I'M ALL ALONE
PATSY & KNIGHTS ALL BY HIMSELF
ARTHUR ALL BY MYSELF
PATSY & KNIGHTS THERE IS NO ONE HERE BESIDE HIM HE'S ALL ALONE
ARTHUR SO ALL ALONE
PATSY & KNIGHTS APART FROM US NO ONE TO COMFORT HIM OR GUIDE HIM
ARTHUR (KNIGHTS sing background "ooo's")
EACH ONE OF US IS ALL ALONE SO WHAT ARE WE TO DO IN ORDER TO GET THROUGH?
61
(KNIGHTS and ensemble drift-off, exiting as song ends.) ARTHUR (CON’T)
WE MUST BE LONELY SIDE BY SIDE IT'S A PERFECT WAY TO HIDE
KNIGHTS WE'RE ALL ALONE
ARTHUR WE'RE ALL ALONE
KNIGHTS YES, ALL ALONE
ARTHUR SO ALL ALONE EACH BY OURSELVES WE'RE ALL…ALONE
#17 THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS – REPRISE
(The LADY OF THE LAKE appears.)
LADY OF THE LAKE But you're not alone Arthur. Haven't you noticed? I've been with you all the time. Who gave you the sword? Who made you King? Who welcomed you to Camelot? Who helped you off on your Quest?
(ARTHUR realizing it was she.)
Sure, I've been offstage for far too long, but I am here to help you and I always have been.
ARTHUR Patsy, I'm not alone.
PATSY No, sir.
ARTHUR The Lady of the Lake has been with me all the time.
62
LADY OF THE LAKE
And so has Patsy.
ARTHUR Ah, yes, but… Patsy's family.
LADY OF THE LAKE You see, Arthur dear, we're all here to help each other.
ARTHUR You really mean you can help me put on a Broadway show?
LADY OF THE LAKE Yes. You're in a Broadway show.
(Sparkling stage effect. ARTHUR looks out at the audience.)
ARTHUR Oh, my.
LADY OF THE LAKE You've been in a Broadway show all the time.
ARTHUR Oh. Who knew?
(To audience) Did you know?
AUDIENCE YES!
ARTHUR (CONT’D) Oh! So now what?
LADY OF THE LAKE Well, you have to finish the show. It is a musical, so you have to find the Grail and end with a big musical number.
63
ARTHUR But who can we find to be our leading lady?
LADY OF THE LAKE
Well, it would have to be someone who was incredibly talented, who loved you and cared for you enough to give you a sword, to make you King, to welcome you to Camelot, to help you off on your quest…
(ARTHUR is a little slow off the mark. PATSY whispers in his ear.)
ARTHUR You?
LADY OF THE LAKE Oh, that's an idea.
ARTHUR But I thought you were a fairy?
LADY OF THE LAKE That’s Peter Pan, we can do that show next year.
ARTHUR And you would consent to being my leading lady, not just in this show but… in my life?
LADY OF THE LAKE Are you asking me…?
ARTHUR Are you saying yes?
LADY OF THE LAKE Oh, Arthur.
(They embrace. They lean in for a kiss and suddenly turn away to sing.)
ARTHUR & LADY OF THE LAKE TWICE IN EVERY SHOW THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS IT STARTS OFF SOFT AND LOW
64
AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS OH THIS IS THE SCENE THAT ENDS LIKE THIS!
(The missing NIGHTS return and surround AUTHUR)
LADY OF THE LAKE Arthur are you ready to finish what you set out to do? It wasn’t easy but I found your knights, now go find the Grail, and when you do, I'll be there, waiting for you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
(Lights transition with music as the KNIGHTS are reunited.)
#18 COCOANANIGANS!
(ARTHUR rides away empowered as she waves farewell. The KNIGHTS re-enter immediately clicking coconuts and doing parody dances of famous choreography to underscore. They exit and re-enter. Ultimately, they end up with "West Side Story.”) [SFX: Thunder and lightning] (TIM, a strange figure with curling ram’s horn headgear and long pointy fingers flies in, holding a fire stick. With transition the the next scene, he hovers in the air as the thunder rattles around. He has a broad Scottish accent.)
65
SCENE SEVENTEEN THE CAVE OF THE KILLER RABBIT
(A small cutout mound, decorated with daisies and skulls. The KNIGHTS, with servant BORS, gather.)
TIM Greetings!
ARTHUR What manner of man are you that hovers in the air without string or visible supporting device?
TIM I am an enchanter.
ARTHUR By what name are you known?
TIM There are some who call me… Tim.
ROBIN Wow. Tim. What a really scary name.
[SFX: Clap of thunder]
ARTHUR Greetings, O Tim.
TIM Greetings, King Arthur!
ARTHUR You know my name.
TIM I do. You seek the Holy Grail.
ARTHUR
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You know much that is hidden, O, Tim.
TIM Quite! Next to me… lies the cave of Caerbannog, wherein carved upon the very living rock, there be a clue which shall lead ye directly to your goal.
ARTHUR Super. So straight on…
TIM But think well before you step into this cave, for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul, so cruel, no man yet has fought this evil beast and lived. So be you warned brave knights, for death awaits you all with nasty great big pointy teeth!
[SFX: Clap of thunder]
ARTHUR Come on!
TIM Wait! Too late! There it is!
ARTHUR Where?
TIM There!
ARTHUR What, behind the rabbit?
TIM It is the rabbit!
(A fluffy white rabbit hand puppet pops up over the mound and innocently nibbles.)
ARTHUR You silly bloke! You got us all worked up!
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TIM Look this is no ordinary rabbit. This is the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
ROBIN What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM This rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide. It's a killer!
ROBIN You fool! I almost soiled my armor, you got me so scared!
TIM Look, I'm warning you!
ARTHUR Alright, Bors! Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
BORS Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming right up!
(An ARMORED KNIGHT with visor down and sword drawn walks forward to the RABBIT. The rabbit is thrown over the mound. BORS drops his sword and catches it, holding it to his neck--as if it is biting him. He releases his prop head which flies off and fabric blood falls out of his neck. As he drops dead he flings the rabbit back over the mound or simply have the RABBIT attack him, with a wild fight)
Aaaugh!
ARTHUR My!
(The RABBIT appears over the mound, triumphantly, revealing great bloody red teeth.)
TIM Not so brave now, is he? I warned you. Oh, but, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it?
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TIM (CONT’D) Well, it's always the same folks, I always tell them, but they never, ever, ever listen.
(TIM'S waves his hands in a magical way and EXITS the way he came)
ARTHUR We'd better not risk another assault. That Rabbit is dynamite.
BEDEVERE Well, we have the Holy Hand Grenade.
#18A THE HOLY HAND GRENADE
ARTHUR
Of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
(BROTHER MAYNARD enters with the Holy Hand Grenade. A cowled MONK enters holding the Holy Hand Grenade in a box.)
PATSY How does it work, Brother?
MAYNARD The Book of Armaments, Chapter One, Verses Nine through twenty-seven. "And Saint Attila raised the holy hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.'
ARTHUR Skip a bit, Brother.
(BROTHER MAYNARD dumbly skips. ARTHUR raises his eyes and points to the Bible.)
MAYNARD "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be
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MAYNARD (CONT’D) reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'" Amen.
ALL Amen.
One… two… five!
BEDEVERE
Three, sir.
ARTHUR Three!
(ARTHUR throws the Holy Hand Grenade at the mound.) [SFX: Explosion] (The grass mound falls forward revealing rock with the carved message: DC.)
BEDEVERE Behold, Sire, the clue. DC.
ARTHUR DC? That's a bit cryptic isn't it?
BEDEVERE Perhaps it’s a location – Washington DC?
ARTHUR They can’t expect us to travel to Washington DC right now?
LANCELOT We can take AMTRAK and be back in no time.
BEDEVERE We didn’t travel this far to get on a train.
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GALAHAD Could DC mean Disney Channel?
ARTHUR I certainly hope not.
BEDEVERE But Sire, maybe it’s a location after all.
ARTHUR Well, it could be, but where exactly?
BEDEVERE Maybe there is a location…right here somewhere…called DC.
ARTHUR DC!! DOWN CENTER.
(They cheer like Arthur is a genius and then are stare straight into the audience.)
GALAHAD It's probably right under our feet.
#18B HAND OF GOD
ARTHUR
(Prays) O Lord, we are a bit stumped on the clue thing and we beseech thee to give us a hand.
(A large finger of God descends, pointing down into the audience.)
Of course. It is in the audience. DC! Down Center! Front row center!
(PATSY runs into the audience and asks a PATRON to stand, cleverly discovering a Grail!.)
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PATSY
It's you! Stand up, peasant. Oh, look, Sire! We have found the Grail.
BEDEVERE How very clever. It was through the Fourth Wall.
ARTHUR Of course the Grail will always be found in the hearts of all those who gather together and believe in it.
ARTHUR People of [local city], let us all give thanks to the Peasant who has helped us find the Holy Grail here in [local town)]. So now we can finish with our Broadway show!
#19 FINALE (PART 1)
(LADY OF THE LAKE appears in a blue [trick] dress, through downstage right doorway)
ARTHUR (CONT'D) Oh, wow, Lady, you look amazing… wait, I can't just call you Lady. Do you have a name?
LADY OF THE LAKE Everybody has a name, Arthur.
ARTHUR
What is yours?
LADY OF THE LAKE My name is… Guinevere.
(Everyone is startled)
KNIGHT Oh!.
(The KNIGHTS exit)
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ARTHUR Guinevere, will you spend the rest of your life in Broadway musical bliss with me?
LADY OF THE LAKE (GUINEVERE) Let me think about that. I'd love to.
(ARTHUR and GUINEVERE kiss and walk arm in arm upstage as the Portcullis rises to reveal The Ride Up Wedding Chapel on the Vegas Camelot set. They exit through the white swing doors of the Gateway with the transition to the next scene.)
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SCENE EIGHTEEN THE THEATER
#19A. FINALE (PART 2)
HISTORIAN 1
So you see it's all a show. Happy ending and all, and that just makes me want… to sing… Ah
(Historian 1 takes a big breath like they are going to sing when Historian 2 jumps in and sings the first solo, Historian 1 looks confused and annoyed)
HISTORIAN 2
WHEN YOU'RE LOST ON LIFE'S TRAIL
HISTORIANS 1 & 3 AND YOU FEEL DOOMED TO FAIL DO NOT FAIL
ENSEMBLE SET YOUR SAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL
HISTORIANS THAT'S YOUR GRAIL
(Enter ROBIN.)
#19B FINALE (PART 3)
ROBIN
And I too have found my Grail.
ALL What's that?
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ROBIN
Musical theatre!
YOU CAN SING YOU CAN DANCE
LANCELOT
AND YOU WON'T SOIL YOUR PANTS
BOTH (ROBIN/LANCELOT) YOU WONT FAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL
#19C FINALE (PART 4)
(PATSY and BEDEVERE enter with tambourines. enter ARTHUR and GUINEVERE.)
CHORUS HALLELUJAH! A BROADWAY ENDING!
ARTHUR & GUINEVERE SO BE STRONG
CHORUS HERE COMES THE STAR!
ARTHUR & GUINEVERE KEEP RIGHT ON
CHORUS HERE COMES HER MAN!
ARTHUR & GUINEVERE TO THE END OF YOUR SONG
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CHORUS HALLELUJAH!
GUINEVERE FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR MALE
ARTHUR DRESSED IN MAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL
CHORUS SING HALLELUJAH! THEY FOUND THEIR GRAIL!
ARTHUR LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE
CHORUS A BROADWAY ENDING!
GUINEVERE SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND
ARTHUR & GUINEVERE AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO
ALL GO AND FIND YOUR GRAIL
ARTHUR & GUINEVERE CHORUS
SO KEEP RIGHT AH SO KEEP RIGHT
TO THE END TO THE END
YOU'LL FIND YOUR GOAL, MY FRIEND AH FIND YOUR FRIEND THEN THE PRIZE AH
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ARTHUR & GUINEVERE (CONT’D) CHORUS (CONT’D) YOU WON'T FAIL AH FIND YOUR GRAIL
ALL FIND YOUR GRAIL!
ALL
FOR THIS IS THE SHOW THAT ENDS LIKE THIS!
(Two hearts descend. Written on one "The" and "End" on the other.)
#20 BOWS (KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE)
(After the Curtain call the Company steps forward to encourage the audience to sing…)
COMPANY Everybody!
#21 ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
(The lyrics are displayed for the audience to join in.)
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE... ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE... IF LIFE SEEMS JOLLY ROTTEN THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'VE FORGOTTEN AND THAT'S TO LAUGH AND SMILE AND DANCE AND SING WHEN YOU'RE FEELING IN THE DUMPS DON'T BE SILLY CHUMPS JUST PURSE YOUR LIPS AND WHISTLE THAT'S THE THING AND ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT…
[SFX: Loud bang]
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(Confetti cannon high up on either side of the stage scatter the audience with golden confetti, or other effect.)
….SIDE OF LIFE….! ….SIDE OF LIFE….! ….SIDE OF LIFE….! COMPANY BOW!
(COMPANY bow! Play off music) THE END
#22 EXIT MUSIC
