GILLIAN BUTLER is a Fellow of the British Psychological Society and afoundermemberoftheAcademyofCognitiveTherapy.SheworksbothfortheNHS and forOxfordCognitiveTherapyCentre. Through ten years of clinicalresearch with the University of Oxford, she helped to develop and evaluatecognitive behavioural treatments for social phobia and for generalized anxietydisorder. Shehas a special clinical interest in the use ofCBTduring recoveryfromtraumaticexperiencesinchildhoodandrunstrainingworkshopsonawidevarietyoftopicsrelevanttopractitionersofCBT,intheUKandothercountries.Sheisparticularlyinterestedinmakingtheproductsofresearchavailabletothegeneralpublicand,inadditiontobeingtheauthorofOvercomingSocialAnxietyandShyness,sheisco-authorofManageYourMind:TheMentalFitnessGuideandofPsychology:AVeryShortIntroduction.

The Overcoming series was initiated by PETER COOPER, Professor ofPsychologyattheUniversityofReadingandHonoraryNHSConsultantClinicalPsychologist.Hisoriginalbookonbulimianervosaandbinge-eatingfoundedtheseriesin1993andcontinuestohelpmanythousandsofpeopleintheUSA,theUKandEurope.The aimof the series is to helppeoplewith awide rangeofcommon problems and disorders to take control of their own recoveryprogramme using the latest techniques of cognitive behavioural therapy. Eachbook,withitsspeciallytailoredprogramme,isdevisedbyapractisingclinician.Many books in the Overcoming series are now recommended by the UKDepartmentofHealthundertheBooksonPrescriptionscheme.

OthertitlesintheOvercomingseries:

3-partself-helpcourses

OvercomingAnxietySelf-HelpCourseOvercomingBulimiaNervosaandBinge-EatingSelf-HelpCourse

OvercomingLowSelf-EsteemSelf-HelpCourseOvercomingPanicandAgoraphobiaSelf-HelpCourse

Single-volumebooks

OvercomingAngerandIrritabilityOvercomingAnorexiaNervosa

OvercomingAnxietyBulimiaNervosaandBinge-EatingOvercomingChildhoodTraumaOvercomingChronicFatigueOvercomingChronicPain

OvercomingCompulsiveGamblingOvercomingDepression

OvercomingInsomniaandSleepProblemsOvercomingLowSelf-EsteemOvercomingMoodSwings

OvercomingObsessiveCompulsiveDisorderOvercomingPanic

OvercomingParanoidThoughtsOvercomingProblemDrinking

OvercomingRelationshipProblemsOvercomingSexualProblems

OvercomingSocialAnxietyandShynessOvercomingTraumaticStressOvercomingWeightProblems

OvercomingYourSmokingHabit

OVERCOMINGSOCIALANXIETYANDSHYNESS

SELF-HELPCOURSEA3-partprogrammebasedon

CognitiveBehaviouralTechniques

PartTwo:OvercomingSocialAnxiety

GillianButler

ROBINSON

London

Constable&RobinsonLtd55–56RussellSquareLondonWC1B4HP

www.constablerobinson.com

FirstpublishedintheUKbyRobinson,animprintofConstable&RobinsonLtd2007

Copyright©GillianButler2007

TherightofGillianButlertobeidentifiedastheauthorofthisworkhasbeenassertedbyherinaccordancewiththeCopyright,DesignsandPatentsAct,1988.

Allrightsreserved.Thisbookissoldsubjecttotheconditionthatitshallnot,bywayoftradeorotherwise,belent,re-sold,hiredoutorotherwisecirculatedinanyformofbindingorcoverotherthanthatinwhichitispublishedandwithoutasimilarconditionincludingthisconditionbeingimposedonthesubsequent

purchaser.

AcopyoftheBritishLibraryCataloguinginPublicationDataisavailablefromtheBritishLibrary.

ImportantNoteThisbookisnotintendedasasubstituteformedicaladviceortreatment.Anypersonwithacondition

requiringmedicalattentionshouldconsultaqualifiedmedicalpractitionerorsuitabletherapist.

ISBN:978-1-84529-443-4(PackISBN)ISBN:978-1-84529-571-4(PartOne)ISBN:978-1-84529-572-1(PartTwo)ISBN:978-1-84529-573-8(PartThree)eISBN:978-1-84901-175-4

PrintedandboundintheEU

13579108642

Contents

Introduction

SECTION1:StartingPoints

SECTION2:ReducingSelf-Consciousness

SECTION3:ChangingThinkingPatterns

SECTION4:DoingThingsDifferently

ExtraChartsandWorksheets

ThoughtsandReflections

NotetoPractitioners

Thisself-helpcourseissuitableforawiderangeofreadingabilitiesanditsstep-by-step formatmakes it ideal for working through alone or with help from afriend or professional. The course is divided into three workbooks, and eachcontainsafullsupplyofworksheetsandchartstobefilledinonthepage–sothere isnoneedforphotocopying. Ifyoudodecide tophotocopythismaterialyou will need to seek the permission of the publishers to avoid a breach ofcopyrightlaw.

Introduction:HowtoUsethisWorkbook

Thisisaself-helpcoursefordealingwithsocialanxietyandshyness.Ithastwoaims:

1Tohelpyoudevelopabetterunderstandingoftheproblem2Toteachyouthepracticalskillsyouwillneedinordertochange.

Howthecourseworks

TheOvercoming Social Anxiety and Shyness Self-Help Course will help youunderstandhowsocialanxietyandshynessdevelopandwhatkeepsthemgoing,andthentomakechangesinyourlifesothatyoubegintofeelmoreconfident.

Theseworkbooksaredesigned tohelpyouwork,eitherbyyourselforwithyour healthcare practitioner, to overcome social anxiety and shyness. Withplenty of questionnaires, charts, worksheets and practical exercises, the threepartstogethermakeupastructuredcourse.

It is important to be realistic: doing these tasks is time-consuming andsometimesdifficult;itcanalsoberatherrepetitive.Thekeypointtorememberisthattheexercisesandworksheetsarewaysofworkingthatresearchhasshowntobehelpfulformanypeople.Youcouldadapttheexercisestosuityourself,orchangethemfromtimetotimeifthatmakesthetasksmoreinteresting.

PartOneexplains:

•Whatsocialanxietyis

•Whatareitssymptomsandeffects

•Thedifferentkindsofsocialanxietyandhowcommonitis

•Whatshynessisandhowitlinkswithsocialanxiety

•Howthewayyouthinkplaysamajorroleinsocialanxiety

•Whatcausessocialanxiety

•Whathappenswhenyouaresociallyanxious–andpinpointingwhatneedstochange.

Thispart,PartTwoexplains:

•Somegeneralideasaboutovercomingsocialanxiety

•Howtoreduceself-consciousness

•Howtochangethinkingpatterns

•Howtochangethewayyoubehave.

PartThreeexplains:

•Howtobuildupconfidence

•Howtodealwithunderlyingbeliefsandassumptions

•Howtoputwhatyou’velearntintoactionandovercomeanypracticalproblems

•Howtobecomemoreassertive

•Howtoovercomebullyinginyourpast

•Howtodeveloprelaxationskills.

Howlongwillthecoursetake?

Eachworkbookwill takeat least twoor threeweekstoworkthrough–butdonotworryifyoufeelthatyouneedtogiveeachoneextratime.Somethingscanbeunderstoodandchangedquitequickly,butotherstakelonger.Youwillknowwhen you are ready tomove on to the nextworkbook.Completing the entire

coursecouldtaketwoorthreemonths,butitcouldtakelessanditcouldtakealotmore.Thiswilldependon the levelofyoursocialanxiety,onhowquicklyyouareabletoworkandhowreadyyoufeeltomakechangesinyourlife.Takeyourtime,andgoatthepacethatsuitsyoubest.Youarethebestjudgeofwhatyoucandoatanyone time. Ifyougetstuckandneedabreakfromthework,makesureyouplanwhentostartagain.

Gettingthemostfromthecourse

Herearesometipstohelpyougetthemostfromtheworkbooks:

•Theseworkbooksarenotpreciousobjectstobekeptontheshelf–theyarepracticaltools.Sofeelfreenotonlytowriteontheworksheetsandcharts,butalsotounderlineandhighlightthings,andtowritecommentsandquestionsinthemargins.Bythetimeyouhavefinishedwithaworkbookitshouldlookwellandtrulyused.

•Youwillalsofindlotsofspaceinthemaintext.Thisisforyoutowritedownyourthoughtsandideas,andyourresponsestothequestions.

•Keepanopenmindandbewillingtoexperimentwithnewideasandskills.Theseworkbookswillsometimesaskyoutothinkaboutpainfulissues.However,ifsocialanxietyisdistressingyouandrestrictingyourlifeitreallyisworthmakingtheefforttodothisasitwillhelpyoutoovercomeit.Therewardswillbesubstantial.

•Bepreparedtoinvesttimeindoingthepracticalexercises–setaside20to30minuteseachdayifyoucan.

•Trytoanswerallthequestionsanddotheexercises,evenifyouhavetocomebacktosomeofthemlater.Theremaybetimeswhenyougetstuckandcan’tthinkhowtotakethingsforward.Ifthishappensdon’tgetangrywithyourselforgiveup.Justputtheworkbookasideandcomebacktoitlaterwhenyouarefeelingmorerelaxed.

•Youmayfindithelpfultoworkthroughtheworkbookswithafriend.Twoheadsareoftenbetterthanone.Andifyourfriendalsosuffersfromsocial

anxietyyoumaybeabletoencourageeachothertopersist,evenwhenoneofyouisfindingithard.

•UsetheThoughtsandReflectionssectionatthebackoftheworkbooktowritedownanythingthathasbeenparticularlyhelpfultoyou.Thiscanbeanythingyouread(hereorelsewhere),orthink,ordo,oranythingthatsomeoneelsesaystoyou.Thesepagesaretohelpyoucollecttogetheryourownlistofhelpfulideas.

•Re-readtheworkbook.Youmaygetmoreoutofitonceyou’vehadachancetothinkaboutsomeoftheideasandputthemintopracticeforalittlewhile.

•Eachworkbookbuildsonwhathasalreadybeencovered.Sowhatyoulearnwhenworkingwithonewillhelpyouwhenyoucometothenext.It’squitepossiblesimplytodipintodifferentonesasyouplease,butyouwillgetmostoutofthisseriesofthreeworkbooksifyoufollowthemthroughsystematically,stepbystep.

SECTION1:StartingPoints

Thissectionwillhelpyoutounderstand:

•Thefourmainmethodsofbreakingviciouscycles

•Howtoworkoutwhatyouwanttochangeinyourbehaviour

•Howtokeeptrackofyourprogress

•Howtopaceyourself

•Helpfulandunhelpfulwaysofcopingwiththeproblem

•Howtoplanstress-freeactivities

•Usefulideastokeepinmind.

Fourmainmethodsofbreakingviciouscycles

InPartOne,pages88to94welookedathowviciouscyclesplayamajorroleinkeepingsocialanxietygoing.Overcomingsocialanxietyinvolveslearninghowtobreakthesecycles.Therearefourmainmethodsthatwe’lllookatinturn:

1Reducingself-consciousnessThis helps you to forget yourself, so that you can behavemore naturally andspontaneouslywhenwithotherpeople.Themainstrategiesinvolveconsciouslyfocusingonpeopleandthingsoutsideyourself,andkeepingmoreintouchwithwhatishappeningaroundyou.YouwilllearnhowtodothisinSection2.

2Changingthinkingpatterns

Aswe’ve seen inPartOne, thewayyou thinkhas abig effect onyour socialanxiety.Whenwearesociallyanxiouswefocusonwhatwethinkotherpeoplethink about us. It thereforehelps to learnhow to recognize and to re-examineyourpatternsofthinking.ChangingthinkingpatternsisexplainedinSection3.

3DoingthingsdifferentlySafetybehavioursandavoiding things(whichwe lookedat inPartOne,pages91to94)maketheproblemworsenotbetter.Andtryingtoprotectyourselfonlymakes you dread social interactions more. The answer is to face difficultiesinsteadofavoiding them,and to take theriskofdoingsowithoutusingsafetybehavioursforprotection.YouwilllearnhowtodothingsdifferentlyinSection4.

4BuildingupconfidenceConfidence may grow quickly or more slowly. There are some generalguidelines for increasing your confidence in Part Three, Section 1. Whenconfidenceisslowtochange,thismaybebecauseyoualsoneedtoworkonyourunderlying beliefs and assumptions. Section 2 in Part Three will help youidentifyyouroldnegativebeliefsanddevelopnew,morepositiveones.Sociallyanxious people tend to assume that their interactions with others will bepainfully revealing. You think that others will notice your weaknesses orawkwardness;thatyouwillbedismissed,ignored,criticizedorrejectedfornotbehavingmoreacceptably.

Don’taimforperfection:there’snoonerightway

Manypeoplewhodothings‘wrong’sociallyarenotatallanxiousaboutit.Theymay:

•beawkwardandabrupt

•interrupt

•getmuddledornotlistentowhatothershavetosay

•tellterriblejokesorboringstories

•fallintolongsilences.

Despite thispeoplewant themaroundandmakefriendswith themandchoosethemfortheirpartners.

Noteverythingstandsorfallsaccordingtohowyoubehavesocially.

Feelinganxiouscertainlymakes ithard to relaxand tobeyourself.And that’sthecasewhetheryouarenaturallyinteresting,charming,tediousorrepetitive.

Therearefourthingsthatgetinthewayofbeingyourselfsocially:

•Self-consciousness

•Sociallyanxiouspatternsofthinking

•Safetybehaviours

•Lackofconfidence.

Thesearethethingsthatneedtochange.Thisworkbookwillshowyouhow.

Definingyouraims

Before you start, stop and think aboutwhat youwant to change.You need toknowwhattheproblemisinordertostartworkingonit,andnotwopeopleareexactly the same. The questions below are designed to help you focus on thepreciseaspectsofyoursocialanxietyyouwanttoworkon.ItmayhelptoreferbacktoPartOne,Section2wherewefirstlookedattheeffectsofsocialanxietyon thinking, behaviour, your feelings and the signs and symptoms of your

anxiety.

1Howdoessocialanxietyaffectyourthinking?Forexample,doyoumakeahabitofblamingyourselfifsomethingdoesnotgo‘right’?Doyoutendtorememberthebadthingsthathavehappenedtoyou,andthatpeoplehavesaidaboutyou?Doyouforgetabout thegoodthings,andthesigns of appreciation and compliments you receive? Do you have troubleconcentrating,ordwellexcessivelyonpastevents?

2Howdoessocialanxietyaffectyourbehaviour?Forexample,doyouavoidtakingtheleadinsocialsituations?Doyouavoideyecontactorspeakquietly?Doyoudothingstokeepyourselfsafe?

3Howdoessocialanxietyaffectyouphysically?Forexample,doyoublush,sweatexcessivelyortremble?

4Whichofthe‘signsandsymptoms’ofyoursocialanxietybotheryouthemost?

For example, is being tongue-tied your biggest problem or are you moreconcernedaboutblushing?

5Howdoessocialanxietyaffectyouemotionally?Forexample,doesitmakeyousadanddepressed,anxious,angry?Allofthese?Ordoyouhaveotherfeelings,likefeelingfrustratedwithyourself,orenviousofothers?

Rememberthatitisunusualforsomeonetohavenosymptomsinoneofthefourcategoriesofthinking,behaviour,physicaleffectsoremotionaleffects(SeePartOne,page11).

Ifoneof themismissingfromyour list, thinkagainaboutwhathappens toyouwhenyouareanxious.Youmay,ofcourse,betheexceptiontotherule.Butit may also be that some of the things that happen to you have become sofamiliarthatyounolongernoticethem.

DefiningyourgoalsNow lookatyouranswersanddecidewhatyouwant tochange.Becareful atthispoint,becauseitiseasytobeunrealistic.

Nearlyeveryonesometimesfeelsshyornervous,sometimesfornoobviousreasonandsometimesunderstandably.Forexample,youmayfeelanxious:

•Beforemakinganimportantannouncement

•Whentalkingtosomeoneextremelyattractiveforthefirsttime

•Whenraisingadelicateissuewithsomeoneinapositionofauthority

•Whenyouhavetomakeacomplaint.

Somedegreeofsocialanxietyisperfectlynormal.Attimeseveryonehastodealwith situations that are embarrassing or humiliating, or in which they arecriticized,orjudged,orevaluatedlesswellthantheywouldwish.Nothingyoucandowillstopsuchthingshappening.

Ausefulgeneralgoalmightbe:Iwillaccepttheseeventsasinevitable,butIwon’tletthemunderminemyconfidence.

Ifyoureachthisgoalyoursocialanxietywillbemost likelytokeepwithinnormallevels.

Moreprecisegoals

The only problemwith this goal is that it does not tell you exactlywhat youshouldtrytochange.Ifyoucanbemoreprecisethanthisyouwillfinditusefullateron.Precisegoalshelpyoutodefineexactlywhatyouwanttochange–forinstance:

•Beingabletolooksomeoneintheeyeduringaconversation

•Nolongeravoidingmeetingnewpeoplebecauseyoufeelfearfulandvulnerable

•Beingabletoinvitesomeoneforamealortoseeafilm.

Precisegoalsworkbestfortworeasons:

1Theyprovideyouwithspecificsuggestionsaboutwhattoworkon.2Theyhelpyoudefinewhenyouhavereachedyourgoal.Thatwaytheyalso

giveyouameasureofhowwellyouaredoing.

In the space below write down, as precisely as you can, what you want tochange.

Itmayhelptolookbackoveryourlistofthesignsandsymptomsofanxietyandaskyourselfwhatyouwouldliketobedifferent.Whatwouldyoubeabletodoifyouwereanxiousjustinthewaythateveryoneis?

Don’tmakeyourgoalstoodemanding.Doingthingsinnewways,anddoingnew things,maywellmakeyounervousat first.Yourgoalscanbecomemoreambitiousasyoubuildconfidence.Mygoals:

Keepingtrackofyourprogress

Usetheextraforms,diarypagesandThoughtsandReflectionssectionattheendofthisworkbooktokeeparecordofyourprogressandkeepyourworkbookinasafebuteasilyaccessibleplace.Whenworkingonaproblemlike thisonyourown,orwithouthelpfromapsychologistorcounsellororotherprofessional,itis easy to lose track of how you are doing.Without the habit ofwriting, andwithout a safe place to keep what you have written, you will find it hard torememberimportantthingssuchashowbadyouweretobeginwith(yoursignsandsymptomsnow),whatyouwant tochange (yourprecisegoals), andwhenthingswentrightforyouaswellaswhentheywentwrong.

Manypeoplegetdiscouragedatfirstbecausetheyseenosignofchange.Thishappensfortworeasons:

1Thefirstchangesareoftensmall2Smallchangesareeasilyforgotten.

Whenyoulookbackoveryourprogressindealingwithsocialanxietyyoumaytend to remember the things that went badly and forget about the things thatwentwell.Thisisespeciallythecaseifthesejustseemtobe‘normal’activitiesfor others, like answering the doorbell, or chatting to a neighbour, orwalkingacrossaroomwhenyouknoweveryonecanseeyou.

One way to deal with this problem is to keep using and referring to thisworkbooktomonitoryourprogress.Writedownwhatyoudodifferentlyeverydaybeforeyoucanforget,andyourplansaboutwhat todonext.Lookathowyoudidtheexercisesatfirstandhowyouimprovedlateron.Thatwayyou’llgetarealsenseofachievement.

Tryingthingsoutandpacingyourself

Tryingnewthingsisanessentialpartofdealingwithyourproblem.Overcomingsocial anxiety helps your confidence to grow, and deciding to do somethingabouttheproblemcangiveyouarealboost.

Someofthethingsyoutryoutmayalsobesurprisinglyenjoyable,butatthesame timedoing thiswork takescourage.Thebest strategy is togiveyourselfregular assignments, rather like doing homework, and to accept that you will

havetotakesomerisks–whenyoufeelreadytodoso.Doing things in a new way helps to break the old patterns. It can feel

dangerousatfirst–likelearningtoswimortodriveonthemotorwayinpouringrainandbadlight.Youwillnothavetodoanythingyouconsidertoodifficult–or anything really threatening or risky. You should also plan your homeworktaskssothatyoucanprogressatyourownpace.Thereisnoruleabouthowfastyoushouldgo,aseveryoneisdifferent.

Otherpeoplecanmakesuggestionsaboutwhatyoumightdo,butonlyyoucantrythemout.Soyouwillneedtofindtimeforthiswork.Ifyouareaverybusypersonyoumayhavetodecidewhentogiveahighprioritytoworkingonyoursocialanxiety,anddecidewhattogiveupinordertomaketimeforit.

Justaswhenyoulearnanythingnew, likeanewlanguagefor instance,youwill improve faster if you work at it regularly. Leaving large gaps when youforgetaboutitaltogetherislikelytomeanthatyouloseheadway.Thegainsyoumake may be lost again as they never had a chance to be put on a surefoundation.

Helpfulandunhelpfulwaysofcopingwiththeproblem

Everyonewhohasaproblemwithsocialanxietytriestodealwithitintheirownway.Manyideasabouthowtocopecanbeimaginative,helpfulandproductive.Yourown strategiesmaybeof this kind, andyoumaywant tokeeponusingthem.Ifso,youshouldtestthemagainstthefollowingprinciple:

Helpfulstrategiesarethosethathavenolong-termdisadvantages.

HelpfulstrategiesSections2,3and4ofthisworkbookandSections1and2ofPartThreeexplainin detail the strategies that researchers have found to be very helpful. Otherhelpfulstrategiesinclude:

•Developingyourskills,talentsorhobbies,whetheronyourownorwithotherpeople

•Learninghowtorelax(whichisdescribedbrieflyinPartThree,Section6)

•Findingwaysofexpressingyourselfandyourfeelingsaboutsocialanxiety

includingtalkingtosomeone,writingaboutwhatyoufeel,speakingaboutitintoadictaphoneortaperecorder,drawingpicturesofhowitfeels,andexpressingyourfeelingsthroughmusic,ordance,orphysicalexercise.WelookedatthisstrategyinPartOne,page41.Itcanhelpyouphysicallyaswellaspsychologically.

UnhelpfulstrategiesLesshelpfulwaysofcopingwithsocialanxietytendtohavebeneficialeffectsintheshort term,or immediatelyyoudo them,but tohaveharmfuleffects in thelongterm.

Seekingreassurance

Itoftenhelpstohearsomeonesayreassuringthingssuchas:

•‘Don’tworry.’

•‘There’snothingseriouslywrongwithyou.’

•‘Itwillprobablygetbetterintheend.’

•‘It’salwaysnicetoseeyou.’

But reassurance does not last. It calms you down temporarilywithout solvinganyproblems.It israther like‘gettingafix’: thebetter itworks, themoreyouwanttoseekitoutnexttimeyoufeelbad.Takingchargeoffindingyourown,lastingsolutionstotheproblemwillbefarmorehelpfulinthelongrun.

Doyou seek reassurance as awayof copingwith social anxiety?Describewhatyoudoandtheeffectithashere.

Usingalcohol

Usingalcoholtomakeyoufeellessanxiousisanothercommon,butunhelpful,wayofcoping.Itiseasytounderstandwhyitistempting.Alcoholplaysapartinmanydifferentkindsofsocialsituations,anditdoesoftenhaveanimmediatecalming effect. It makes people feel less shy and it can make them moretalkative.

But there are many dangers associated with using alcohol to solve socialproblems.

•Youmaybecomeaddictedtoalcoholandnotbeabletocopewithoutit.

•Youmaydrinktoomuchandlosecontrolofyourbehaviour.

•You’relikelytosufferhealtheffectsincludingdehydration,headachesandnausea.

•Youmayalsosufferlong-termhealtheffectsifyouusealcoholtoofrequentlyandinlargequantities,includingweightgainandliverdamage.

Youmaynotbeawarethatalcoholalsohasadepressanteffect.Aftertheinitialeffectofdampeningdownyourfeelingsofanxietyitismorelikelytomakeyoufeelworse thanbetter,and it interfereswith sleeppatterns.Manypeople thinkthattheywillsleepbetteriftheyhaveadrinkortwo,andindeedtheydooftenfallasleepmorequicklyafterdrinkingthantheywouldotherwise.Buttheyoftenwakeduringthenightandthenfindithardtogobacktosleepagain.

Do you use alcohol as away of copingwith social anxiety? If so, use thediaryonpage11overthenexttwoweekstorecordhowmuchyoudrink,whenandhowyoufeelatthetimeandthenhowyoufeelthenextday.Asampleentryhasbeenfilledinasaguide.You’llfindextraformsatthebackofthisbook.

Streetdrugs(recreationaldrugs)oftenhavesimilareffectstoalcohol.Ifyouareusingthesetohelpyoufeellessanxiousthenitwillalsobehelpfultousethediary tomonitor your usage and the physical and psychological effects at thetimeyouusethemandthedayafter.

Planningstress-freeactivities:asenseofproportion

Anxietyandproblemscancometodominateyourlifeanditmaybecomehardtothinkaboutanythingelse.Onewayofbeginningtogetanewperspectiveontheproblem,andonwhatitmeansforyou,istomakesurethatyouinvolveyourselfinthingsthathavenothingtodowithsocialanxietyatall,andthatyouenjoy.

Herearesomethingsthatyoumayfindhelpful:

•Physicalactivitieslikeexerciseorgardening

•Recreationalactivitieslikelisteningtomusic,reading,exploringnewplaces,watchingTV,playingcomputergames

•LearningsomethingnewlikehowtoplasterawallorcookMexicanfood

•Creativeactivitiesofallkinds:painting,drawing,writing,playinganinstrument,home-makingandsoon

Whateveryouenjoy,orusedtoenjoy,youshoulddomoreof.Whateveryouarecuriousabout,youshouldstart toexplore.Trytolimittheeffectsocialanxiety

has on your life so that it does not affect other sources of pleasure andsatisfaction.

Makea list hereof someof the activitiesyouenjoynow,orused to enjoy,orthinkyoumightenjoy.

Enjoyableactivities:

Thefirstapproachtofeelingisolated,orlonely

Beingsociallyanxiouscanmakeyoufeelcutofffromothers.Itcanmakeithardtobuildupagroupof friendsand todevelop intimate relationships.Themainaimofthisbookistoexplainhowtoovercomethisanxiety.Weassumethatyouwanttobeabletobecomeinvolvedwithothersmoreeasilyandmoreoften,thatyoudonotwanttofeelisolatedandlonely.

However, it is possible to recognize the value of companionshipwhile stillvaluingsolitaryactivities.Itisimportant,andhealthy,tobeabletodothingsonyourown,andtoenjoydoingthem.

Inthespacebelowmakealistofactivitiesyoucanenjoydoingbyyourself.Tohelpyoudothis,thinkabout:

•Thingsotherpeopleyouknowdobythemselves

•Thingsthatyouusedtodobyyourselfatothertimesinyourlife

Ifyouhavemoresolitaryandlonelytimesthanyouwantatthemoment,trytofillatleastsomeofthemwithenjoyableorinterestingorchallengingorcreativeactivitiesthatyoucando–andenjoy–onyourown.Forexample,ifyouenjoy

seeingnewplaces,thenitwouldbeagoodideatoplananexpedition.Don’tletdifficultiessuchashavingtotravelandtoeatonyourowngetintheway.

ThingsIcandobymyself:

Somehelpfulpointstobearinmind

Herearesomegeneralpointsthatmayhelpyouwhileyouareworkingonyoursocialanxiety.

•Learntorecognizetheviciouscyclesthatkeeptheproblemgoing;thenyoucanworkatbreakingthem.SeePartOne,Section7.

•Youwillneedtimeandyouwillneedtopersistifyouaretomakethemostoftheideasinthisbook.Don’tworryifchangecomesmoreslowlythanyouwouldwish.

•Keeptheprobleminperspective.Thismeansbothkeepingacheckonthewayyouarethinking,andmakingsurethatyoudonotlettheproblemdominateyourwakinglife.Remembertoleavetimeinyourlifeforthosethingsthatyouenjoy,orareinterestedin,andaregoodat.

•Ifyouarehavingdifficultydoingthingsdifferently,thenitmaybehelpfultostartwitheasythingsfirst.Workuptoharderonesasyourconfidencegrows.

Don’tgiveup!Themoreyoudo, themoreyouwill improve.Sometimes thingswill gowell,

sometimes not, and so you may feel discouraged at times. You will be morelikelytobuildyourconfidenceifyoucankeepgoingdespitethesenormalupsanddowns.Everyonehasgooddaysandbaddays,andproblemsalwaysseemworseonabadone.Ifyouexpectafewofthesenormalfluctuationstheywillbelesslikelytosetyoubackwhentheyhappen.

It is important toberealistic.Doing theexercisesdescribedhere takes timeand can be difficult. Sometimes it may even be rather tedious, boring andrepetitive,orseemunnecessary.Thekeypointtorememberisthattheexercisesandworksheetsareexamplesofwaysofworkingthatotherpeoplehavefounduseful.Tomakethemmoreusefultoyouyoucouldadaptthemtosuityourself,orchangethemfromtimetotimeif thatmakesthetasksmoreinteresting.Butdoremembertokeeptrackofwhatyoudo.

Answerstosomeofthequestionsthatpeopleoftenask

Shouldyouworkatbecomingsociallyskilled?Theansweris‘yes,ifyouwantto’;butrememberthat:

•Youcanpickuptheseskillsasyougo.Mostpeopleacquiretheir‘socialskills’withoutbeingtaughtthe‘rulesofthegame’,justastheylearntorideabicycle.Youdonothavetounderstandhowitworksinordertodoit.

•Thereisnorightwayofdoingthings.Youcanbesuccessfulwithoutbeingsociallyskilled.Manypeoplegetonwellwithothersbutarenotgoodatthesethings,orfindthemdifficult.Beingsociallyskilledneithermakespeopleloveyounorpreventsthemcriticizingyou.

•Skillsmaycomenaturallyonceyoufeellessanxious.Beinganxious,worriedorfearfulmakesithardtouseyoursocialskills.

•Beingflexiblewillallowyoutobemorespontaneous.Letyourselfadaptasthesituationdemandsratherthanconstantlytryingtopractiseyoursocialskillsortolearnpreciserulesofthegame.Thiswillallowyoursociallifetoflowmorenaturally.

Therearemanythingsthatpeoplelearntodosocially.Hereisalistofsomeof

them.Youcouldprobablyaddsomemoreofyourown:

•Listeningtowhatothershavetosay

•Talkinginsuchawaythatotherslistentowhatyousay

•Lookingatotherswhenyouspeaktothem,andusingnon-verbalwaysofcommunicating

•Makingconversation–ingeneral,ortosomeoneimportantlikeyourboss,orsomeoneyouwouldliketogooutwith

•Introducingpeopletoeachother

•Sayingnowhenyouthinkitwouldberighttodoso,orstickingupforyourself

•Tellingsomeonetheyhavedonesomethingthatmakesyouangry

•Beingawareofandsensitivetootherpeople’sfeelings

•Expressingyourownfeelingsandopinions

•Askingsomeonetodosomethingforyou.

•Others(writein):

All of these skills develop with practice. A few other specific skills such asassertivenessandrelaxationcanalsobeusefulifyouaresociallyanxious.TheyaredescribedinPartThree,Sections4and6.

Howcanyoulearnaboutconventions?Conventions are recognized ways of doing things, or patterns of behaviour.Many people feel uncomfortable or unconfident if they do not know theconventions,forinstanceiftheydonotknowwhichforktouse,orwhatclothestowear.Turningupinjeanswheneveryoneelseisdressedintheirbest(orviceversa)canbeembarrassing.

This may especially be a problem for people with social anxiety becausebeingthe‘oddoneout’attractsattentionandsoseemstoencourageotherpeopletojudgeorevaluateyou.

Thereareseveralwaystolearnaboutsocialconventions:

1Ask

Would you mind if someone asked you about what was the right way to dosomething?Woulditbebettertoadmitthatyoudonotknow,ortodo‘thewrongthing’?Maybeitwouldbemorepolite toask.Forexample,ataformaldinnerpartycouldyousay‘I’msorry,butI’mnotsurewhereIshouldsit?Orask‘Doyouknowifthere’saseatingplan?’

Use thespacebelow towritedownsomeways inwhichyoucouldpolitelyaskformoreinformationabouthowtobehaveinasocialsituation.Firstdescribethe particular situation; for example, a special birthday party, a formal workdinnerorabarbecueforfriends.Next,writedownpossiblequestions.

Thesocialeventorsituation:

QuestionsIcouldasktogetmoreinformation:

2Usetheinformationprovided

Sometimes information is there but you are too confused to take it in (forexample,noticesaboutwearingties,ornotsmoking,or layingoutforks in theorder theywouldbeused in).Learning to relaxbeforea socialeventcanhelpyoutobemoreobservantandtakeinhelpfulinformationwhenyou’rethere.WelookatrelaxationtechniquesinPartThree,Section6.

3Observe

Watch what other people do before you make a move yourself, for examplebeforeaskingsomeonetodance.Listentohowothersstartaconversation,andlookatthewaytheydress.Observethingsthatpeopletakeforgranted,suchaswhether their clothesarecleanand theirhairwashed.Look for things that tellyouwhatissocially‘acceptable’inaparticularsetting,andwhatisnot.Peopleindifferentplaces, interacting indifferentways,developdifferentconventions,so there is no one rightway.Watch out for upsetting thoughts if you break aconvention. In five years’ time, who will remember that you sat in someoneelse’splaceorspokeoutofturnatameeting?Thatyouhadamomentwhenyoubecameflushedanddistressed,orthatyoucouldnothidethefactthatyouwereboredorirritated?Itisnotalawofthelandthatyouhavetoobeyconventions.Indeed,thatmaybewhytheyarecalled‘conventions’ratherthanrulesorlaws.

QuestionsaboutanxietyFinally,beforewestartworkingthroughthepracticalexercisesinSections2,3and4,let’slookatsomequestionspeopleoftenaskaboutsocialanxiety.

Canasevereboutofanxietydophysicalharm?No. In particular, remember that increased heart rate caused by anxiety alonewill not damage your heart any more than increased heart rate caused by

exerciseorexcitement.

Canprolongedanxietydoyoumentalharm?Thesymptomsofanxietyandpanicbythemselves,howeversevere,donotmeanthat you are developing a serious mental disorder or going insane. They arenormalreactionsdevelopedtoprotectyouincaseofareal(ratherthanasocial)emergency.

Doesbeinganxiousmakeyoutired?Yes.When you are anxious youmay find it hard to copewith a normal day.Beinganxiousandtenseisadrainonyourenergy.Onceyouhavebecomelessanxious,youwillfindyouhavemoreenergyforotherthings.Thisisonereasonwhyitisimportantthatyoubalancetheanxietyinyourlifewithactivitiesthatyoufindrelaxingandenjoyable.SeePartThree,Section6forinformationabouthowtorelax.

WhatifIamdepressedaswellasanxious?Many people have periods of feeling fed up, miserable or sad if their socialanxietygoesonalongtime.Butthesefeelingsoftenliftwhentheystartworkingontheproblemandrealizethatthereissomethingtheycandoaboutit.

Depressedfeelingsmakeithardertokeeptrying,buttheyarenotareasonforgiving up. If your anxiety improves your other feelings are likely to do so aswell.

However,ifyoufeelseverelydepressed;andifyou,orpeoplewhoknowyou,areworried about the effects that being depressed is having on you, then youshouldtalktoyourdoctoraboutit.

QuestionsaboutgettingbetterShouldIgiveuptryingforawhileandtakeagoodrest?Notifhavingarestbecomesawayofnotfacinguptotheproblemorworkingouthowtoovercomeit.

IfIgrinandbearit,willtheproblemgoawaybyitself?Possibly.Someproblemsof thiskinddoeventuallydiminish.But ifyou learnwhattodotoovercometheproblemthenyouarelikelytoimprovesooner.Also,youwillbeableto‘nipitinthebud’shouldyoustarttofeelanxiousagainlater.

WasIbornthisway,sothatthereisnothingIcandoaboutit?Youmayhavebeenbornmoresensitivetostressthanotherpeople,orthinkof

yourselfasa shysortofperson.We lookedat this inmoredetail inPartOne,Section6.Butthisdoesnotmeanthatyoucannotlearnhowtoovercomesocialanxietyandmakemanychangesforthebetterinyourlife.

ShouldIgoonsearchingfora‘cure’?Nobody can cure youof anxiety altogether, as it is a normal part of everydaylife.However,ifyoulearnhowtothinkandbehavedifferentlyyouwillcometoreact to social situations differently also, and will be able to cope with themmuchbetter.

Woulditbehelpfultotakesomemedication?Itcouldbe.Therearemanydifferentkindsofdrugsnowavailablefor treatingbothanxietyanddepression,andnewonesarecomingoutallthetime.Someofthemareextremelyeffective.

However, there are many issues to consider when making this decision.Althoughdrugsmayhelpyoutemporarily,theymaynotsolvetheprobleminthelongrun,andsomeofthembecomelesseffectiveifyoutakethemregularly,sothatyouneedmoretoachievethesameeffect.

Also,ifyoucometorelyondrugs,theymayundermineyourconfidenceinhandlingthingswithoutthem.Usingthemregularlyasa‘prop’makesitharderto build confidence in your own ability to overcome the problem. Also theproblemmaycomebackagainwhenyoustoptakingthem.

Sothiscouldbeadifficultdecisionthatitwouldbebesttodiscusswithyourdoctor.Whateveryoudecide,itisworthusingtheideasinthisbooktoworkatovercomingtheproblemyourself.

Ifyouarealreadytakingsomemedicationthatyoufindhelpful,thenthereisnoneedtostoptakingitinordertousetheideasinthisbook.Thetwodifferentwaysofhelpingyourselfcanworktogether.

However, if youmake twochanges at once, andyou feel better becauseofthem, thenit isnotpossible toknowwhichonehelped–orwhether theybothdid. So it is probably better to start one new thing at a time: either usingmedicationorusingtheideasinthisbook.

Whatifsocialanxietyisonlyapartoftheproblem?Itisquitecommonforpeoplewhohavebeensociallyanxiousforalongtimetohavesomeotherdifficultiesaswell.Forexample:

•Somepeoplesufferfromperiodsofdepression.

•Othershavedifficultybeingappropriatelyassertive.Theycanbetoopassiveandaccommodatingoroverlyhostileandaggressive.

•Manypeoplehaveoccasionalpanicattacksinparticularlystressfulsituations.

•Manysociallyanxiouspeopledescribethemselvesas‘bornworriers’,andmayfindthatattimestheyarebesetbyworriesofallkinds,notjustabouttheirsociallives.

Doanyofthesedifficultiesalsoaffectyou?Describeyourexperienceshere.

Aswediscussedearlier,mostpeopleknowwellthattheyfeellessanxiousafterhavinga coupleofdrinks, and so it isquite common forpeople to startusing

alcohol,orvariousothersubstances,tohelpthemfeelmorerelaxedincompany.When this becomes a habit, or the onlyway of copingwith the loneliness orisolationthatcanaccompanysocialanxiety,thenoneproblemcaneasilyleadtoanother.

Ifyouhaveotherdifficultiesaswellassocialanxiety,thisbookcouldstillbehelpful.Youmay have to think aboutwhich problem to tackle first, or to asksomeone’sadviceaboutthis,butitisstillworthatry.Whenyoudecidethatitisthe right time tostart,workcarefully through thebook,and trynot togiveupevenifchangeseemstocomeslowly.

SECTION2:ReducingSelf-Consciousness

Thissectionwillhelpyouunderstand:

•Theeffectsofself-consciousness

•Howtoreduceself-consciousness

•Howtodealwithfeelinguncomfortableandawkward

•Howtofocusonwhatishappeningaroundyou.

Self-consciousnesscomesfromfocusingyourattention inwards,on toyourselfso thatyoubecomepainfullyawareofwhat ishappening toyou.At itsworst,self-consciousness dominates your attention. It makes it difficult to think ofanythingelsebutyourinnerexperience–andthiscanbecometotallyparalysing.

Aboutofself-consciousnesscanaffectyouinanysocialsituation,regardlessofhowwellyouknowthepeopleyouarewith.Enteringaroomfullofpeople,orsayinggoodbyewhenyouleave,aresituationswhichareespeciallylikelytoprovokeit.Thismaybebecauseatthosetimesitismoredifficulttodowhatisexpectedofyousociallywithoutdrawingattentiontoyourself.

Self-consciousnessgoeswithfeelingthatyoustandout,thatotherpeoplearelooking at you, and, for socially anxious people, that goes with feelingvulnerable.Itcanbeprovoked,ormadeworse,bybecomingawareofanyofthesymptoms of social anxiety. For example all these symptoms couldmake youfeelself-conscious:

•Notbeingabletoconcentrateorthinkstraight

•Feelingnervous

•Noticinghowhotyouare

•Hearingthesoundofyourownvoice

•Havingtheimpressionthatyouarebeingscrutinized

•Doingsomethingclumsy

•Catchingaglimpseofyourhandmovements

•Worryingaboutsomeaspectofyourappearanceoryourperformance

•Tryingtomakesurethatyoudon’tsayanythingstupid

•Checkingouthowyouarecomingover

•Rehearsingwhattosay.

LosingyourselfinordertofindyourselfThe less self-conscious you are, the easier it is to be yourself, and to join innaturallywithwhatisgoingonaroundyou.Themosthelpfulstrategytolearninorder tobecome less self-conscious ishow todirectyourattentionon tootherthings.Inthiswayyoubreakthepatternofinwardfocusingwhichmakesyousoself-aware.Ifyoucan‘loseyourself’or‘forgetyourself’,youwillbebetterableto‘findyourself’–tobeyour‘realself’andfeelcomfortablebeingthatway.

Remember,thereisnothingneworspecialthatyouhavetolearninordertobeable to interactmorenaturallywithotherpeople.Thingswillworkout finewhenyoulearntobecomelessself-consciousaboutit.

When you’rewatching a gripping film, or studying a timetable in order todecidewhichtraintocatch,concentratingonwhatyouaredoingmeansthatyounoticelittleelse.Thecinemamaybedraughtyandtherailwaystationcrowdedand noisy, but these things are irrelevant towhat you are doing. They can gocompletelyunnoticedwhileyou’re focusedonwhatyou’redoing. Ifyougaveother people, and things outside yourself, a similar degree of attention therewouldbelessspaceleftfornoticingthediscomfortandtumultinsideyou.

Theeffectsofself-consciousness

Feelingself-consciousmakesallkindsofsymptomsworse:

•Thesensationsthemselves

•Theneedforself-protectionandtoresorttousingsafetybehaviours

•Theinabilitytoactnaturally,and

•Manykindsofsociallyanxiousthinking.

At the same time self-consciousness reminds you of how unpleasant thesymptoms of social anxiety are and increases your fear that otherswill noticethem.Itfocusesyourattentiononwhatothersmightthinkandonthefearofhowtheymightreact,anditmakesyoufeeluncertainandunconfident.

TheinnerworldversustheouterworldAll of these reactions make it difficult to become fully involved in socialsituations. Instead, yourmind is occupiedwithwhat happens inside you:withyourconcerns,thoughtsandworries.There’snotmuchbrainspaceleftoverforpickingupotherkindsofinformation.Whatinformationdoesgetthroughtendstobehazy,insufficientorinaccurate.

This is one reasonwhy being self-conscious interfereswith your ability tocarry out ordinary activities in a natural and smoothway.You’re literally notpayingfullattention.It’swhyyourelbowknockstheflowersfromthetable,oryourtielandsinthesoup.Orwhyyouhesitatewhengreetingsomeonebetweenthehandshakeandthekiss,andsuddenlyfeelthatyoudonotknowwhatyouareexpected to say or do, orwhere to put yourself. It iswhy you can’t follow aconversationeasily,ormakesenseofwhatthelastpersonjustsaid.

WhatresearchtellsusWeknowthisishappeningfromresearchaswellasfromwhatpeoplesayabouttheir anxiety. Researchers have found that socially anxious people rememberfewer details of the situations they have been in comparedwith other people.Theyalsorateotherpeople’sfacialexpressionsmorenegativelythanothersdo.Itisasiftheyknowagreatdealaboutthemselves,butratherlessaboutthingsoutsidethemselves.Andtheyusetheirsociallyanxiousimaginationtofillinthe

gaps.Peoplewhoaren’tsociallyanxioustendtoseeasituationasriskydepending

on factors such as what might happen or who might be there. By contrastsociallyanxiouspeopletendtoseeasocialsituationasriskyornotdependingonhowtheymightfeel.Andtheworsetheyfeelthemoredangerousthesituationseemstobe.Theirownthoughtsandfeelingsarethebasisonwhichtheyseetherisksinvolvedintheoutsideworld.

ThecentreofaviciouscycleSelf-consciousnessisatthecentreoftheviciouscyclesthatkeepsocialanxietygoingsoit’sveryimportanttotrytoreduceitsimpact.Let’slookatsomereal-lifeexamplesoftheeffectofself-consciousness.

Thecasestudiesbelowshowhowoftentheeffectsofself-consciousnessdonotcomeseparately,butaremixeduptogether.Asyoureadthroughthesecasestudies try to notice the many different ways in which feeling self-consciousworks tokeep theproblemgoing.Thenanswer thequestions that followeachstory.

CASESTUDY:JamesJamesandhisgirlfriendweregoingtohaveamealwithherparents.Hedidnotknowthemwellyet,andassoonastheywalkedinatthedoorhethoughttohimselfthattheyweresizinghimup.Suddenlyhebecameawareofeverymovementhemade,andeverythinghe thoughtofsayingseemedtofirstpresentitselftobecheckedandthenwasimmediatelycensoredbeforehesaidit.

Hismouthfelttoodrytotalk,andhefelttooawkwardtoaskforadrink.Allhecouldthinkaboutwashisinnerfoolishness,andtheneedforthesituationtocometoend.‘Howlongisthisgoingtolast?’wasthequestioninhismind.

Thensuddenlyeveryonewaslaughing,andhehadclearlymissedthejoke.Hehadtheterriblethought that hemust have done something odd, or said something stupid, and that theywerelaughingathim.

Laterhisgirlfriendtoldhimthatnoonehadnoticedanythingatall.Althoughhehadbeenratherquietatfirst,toherthishadseemedunderstandable–andonlynatural.

1WhatdidJamesthinkwhenhearrivedfordinner?

2WhatdidJamesnotice?Whatwashepayingattentionto?

3HowdidJames’sself-consciousnessaffect:

Thewayhebehaved?

Thewayhefelt?

4WhatdidJamesnoticeofwhatwasactuallyhappeningaroundhim?

5Whatdidtheotherpeoplepresentnoticeabouthisbehaviour?Howodddidtheythinkitwas?

CASESTUDY:SandraAsSandracameintotheofficetheheadofherdepartmentstoppedasherushedbyandaskedifshewouldmakeacoupleofannouncementsforhimattheirgroup’searlymorningmeeting.Hehadunexpectedlybeencalledout,andashehurriedaway,he thrustapieceofpaper intoherhandwithsomethingscribbledonit.

Sandrawasextremelynervousabouthavingtodothisandsheknewthatthelongershehadtoworrytheworseshewouldfeel.Soshedecidedtodoitimmediately,andwalkedstraightintothemeetingroomwithouteventakinghercoatoff.

Themeetingwas juststarting,soshewent to the frontof the room,explainedwhyshewasthere and read out the first part of the message. But the second part had been scribbled sohurriedlythatitwasalmostimpossibletoread.Shehesitated,andsuddenlysheheardhervoicedyingaway.

As the silence went on she was convinced that all eyes were upon her, standing thereawkwardly,still inherovercoat. Inhermind’seyeshehadavisionofhowshemust look.Shedescribedherself lateraschildish-looking; tall,shapeless likea lankyadolescent,with thebitofpaperflutteringinhertremblinghands,peeringatitshort-sightedlyforaclueastowhatitmightmean.

Itseemedlikeaneternitybeforeshethoughtofexplainingthatshecouldnotreadhiswritingand passed the note to someone else.When they could do no better than she had done, herconfusiondiedaway,butonlypartly.Theimageofseeingherselfasotherssawherhauntedherfortherestoftheday.Eachtimeitcamebackshewascoveredwithconfusionagain,feelinghotandfoolish,asifstrippedofallprotectivearmour.

1WhatwerethethoughtsorimagesthatwentthroughSandra’smindasshetriedtoreadthemessage?

2Whatdidshenoticeaboutherself?

3HowmuchwasSandrapayingattentiontothemeeting?Howmuchattentionwasshepayingtoherself?

CASESTUDY:AndrewAndrewwastalkingon the telephonewhenthreepeopleheknewwalked into theroom, talkingloudly to each other. As he became aware that they could hear everything hewas saying, heloweredhisvoice.Oneofthemnoticedthisandtoldtheotherstobequieter,andinthehushthatfollowedhisvoiceappearedtoAndrewtoechoroundtheroom.Hecouldnolongerconcentrateonwhathewassaying,orunderstandproperlywhatwasbeingsaidtohim.Hespokeevenmorequietly,untilhewasalmostwhispering,andthesilencearoundhimappearedtogrow.

Franticallyhewonderedhowtoendtheconversation,andsohemadesomeexcuse(thatlaterhe could not remember), andhungup.Hewasastonishedwhenhe lookedup that theotherswerenolongerthere.Theymusthavewalkedthroughtheroomandouttheotherside.Itwasthethoughtthattheymighthavebeenlisteningandjudginghimthathadmadehimsoself-conscious.Ithaddominatedhisthoughtstotheextentthathewasunawareofanythingelse.1WhataretheeffectsofAndrew’sself-consciousness

onhisbehaviour?

onhisfeelings?

onhisthoughts?

2AtwhatpointdidAndrewnoticethattheotherpeopleintheroomhadleft?

Summaryoftheeffectsofself-consciousnessAll threecasestudies showhowself-consciousnesscanhaveadramaticeffectonhowyoubehave,whatyounoticeandhowyouthinkandfeel.

1Self-consciousnessfocusesattentionontoyourselfsoyounotice:

•Sensationssuchasfeelinghot(likeSandra),oradrymouth(likeJames)

•Behaviours,likefiddlingwithyourhands,orinSandra’scase,trembling

•Emotions(orfeelings),likefeelingembarrassed,orinJames’sandSandra’scase,feelingstupidorfoolish

•Thoughts,like‘TheythinkI’mpeculiar’,orinJames’scase,‘They’relaughingatme’,andinAndrew’scase,‘howcanIendthisconversation?’

2Youtendtoseeyourselfasyousupposeothersseeyou.Forexample,Sandrathoughteveryoneatthemeetingsawheras‘childish-looking’.

3Itmakesyouwanttoprotectyourself:bykeepingyourselfsafeorescapingfromthesituation.James,forexample,focusedonwhenthedinnerwouldendandhecouldgetaway.Andrewtriedtospeakasquietlyaspossible.

4Itisdifficulttonoticeotherthingsaccuratelyatthesametime.Youmay,however,noticesomethingsofparticularsignificancetoyou,likeafleetingexpressiononsomeone’sface,withoutnoticingmuchelse.Forexample,Andrewdidn’tnoticethattheotherpeoplewhohadbeentalkinghadactuallylefttheroom–thatwaswhytherewassilence.Andhecouldn’tunderstandproperlywhatwasbeingsaidtohim.

5Youfeelincreasinglyatrisk,andalltheeffectswe’velistedabovegrowstronger,andmaketheproblemworse,thelongertheygoon.Aswe’veseen,Andrew’slevelofpanicgrewtothepointwherehehadtoendhisphoneconversation.

Howself-consciousnessaffectsyou

Think about some specific instances of self-consciousness from your ownexperience.Trytothinkthroughoneortwoofthemindetail.Takeyourtime.

Describethefirstexamplehere:

Nowdescribethesecondexample:

As we saw in Andrew’s story, self-consciousness makes you miss out onaccurateinformationaboutwhatisgoingon.Youmayfindthishardtobelievein your own case.Obviously youwon’t remember any information you neverpickedupinthefirstplace.Andyoumayhavefilledanygapsusingyourownimagination.Whenyourattentionisturnedinwardsitbecomesdifficulttodothefollowingthings:

•Followwhatpeoplearesaying

•Noticewhattheyaredoing

•Judgehowtheyarereallyreacting.

You may imagine that other people can see all the signs of anxiety andinadequacythatyoufeel.Andyoumaybelievethatotherpeoplearejudgingyounegativelywhentheyseethem.

Manyoftheconclusionsthatpeoplereachwhentheyfeelself-consciousarebasedontheirinnerexperienceofthefeelings,sensationsandactionsthattheyfindsodistressing:‘Isaidso little,andfeltsoembarrassedthat theycouldseehowinadequateanduselessIam.’Itisasiftheyaresoawareofthesethingsthatthey suppose thatotherpeoplemustbe so too.Foreach specific situationyoudescribedabove,answerthesetwoquestions:

1Whatconclusionsaboutyourselfdidyoucometowhenyoufeltself-conscious?

2Whatconclusionsdoyouthinkotherpeoplecametoaboutyou?

Your conclusionsmaybenegative; theymay alsobevery inaccurate.Wewillhelpyoufindnewwaystobehaveinthesesituationssothatyouarelessfocusedon yourself and more aware and observant of what’s happening around you.Whenthishappensyouwillstart tofeel lessuncomfortableanddistressedandyou’llalsostartgettingamoreaccuratepictureofwhat’sreallygoingon.

Reducingself-consciousness

Thekey to reducing self consciousness is to learnhow to focusmoreof yourattentiononwhatishappeningoutsideyourself,insteadofonwhatishappeninginside.Youneed to forget yourself enough to become absorbed in your sociallifeinstead.

To do this, you need consciously to practise switching your attention awayfromyourselfandontootherthings.Thisincludestheotherpeoplearoundyou–thesourceofyourfear.Beingcuriouswillhelpyoudojustthis.

BecomeanobserverYour task is to watch what happens, and to think openly about it, just as ascientistmightwheninvestigatinganewfield.Havingthisattitudehelpsyoutointeractwithothersmoresmoothlyandmorenaturally.

Think of yourself as exploring and investigating so as to reach a balancedopinion. Your opinion should be one that an outside observer of the samesituationwouldalsoagreewith;someonewhoisnotcaughtupintheaction.Trytomakesurethatyouarenotrelyingonguesswork.Thisishighlylikelytobeinfluencedbyyourexpectationsandassumptions.

HowtodoitOfcourse, this iseasier said thandone.Asyouknow,whenyou feelbad it isdifficultnottothinkaboutyourself,andtoturnyourattentionawayfromyourdistress.Itishelpfultothinkoflearningtodivertyourattentionasatwo-stageprocess:

1Decidingnottothinkabouthowbadyoufeel2Focusingonwhatishappeningaroundyou.

Let’slookateachoftheseinmoredetail.

Stage1:DecidingnottothinkabouthowbadyoufeelItwouldbeusefulforunpleasantthoughts,feelingsandsensationstograbyourattentioniftheriskinvolvedwasarealone,andyoureallywereinsomedanger.Butmostofthetimewhenyoufeelsociallyanxious,therereallyisnodanger.

In Section 3 you will learn the thinking skills to help you to deal withthoughtsaboutsocialdangerandcatastrophe.

Secondly,askyourselfwhetherthereisanythingtobegainedbydwellingonhowuncomfortable,embarrassedorawkwardyoufeel.

•Doesithaveanybenefits?

•Doesitgiveyouanyadvantages?

•Doyouthinkthatitmighthelptoprepareyoufortheworst?

•Doesthinkingabouthowbadyoufeelallowyoutomakeyourescapebeforethethingthatyoufearmostactuallyhappens?

Thoughts such as these are common. But in fact, focusing your attention onyourself,orself-consciousness,hasfarmoredisadvantagesthanadvantages.

Inthespacebelowseeifyoucanwritedowntheadvantagesforyouofnotthinking about howbad you are feeling.Thenmake the decision to turn yourattention away from these thoughts when they come into your head – whichundoubtedlytheywill,atleastatfirst.

Whenyourheart is thumpingandyoucannot find thewordswithwhich toexpressyourself,thedisadvantageofpayingattentiontoyourfeelingsisthatitmakesyouworse: increasingly self-awareand self-conscious.Before longyoujustwishthatthegroundwouldopenandswallowyouup.

Oneadvantageofforcingyourselftofocusonpeopleandthingsaroundyouisthatitgivesyousomerecoverytime.Usethecasestudiesatthestartofthischapter,andthesummaryoftheeffectsofself-consciousnessonpage28,tohelpyoutothinkofmoreadvantagesforyou.Writethemdownhere.Advantagesofnotthinkingabouthowbadyou’refeeling:

Stage2:focusingonwhatishappeningaroundyou

Theaimofthisstrategyistohelpyoutorelylessonguesswork.Youshouldtrytogivemoreattentiontothepersonorpeoplewithwhomyouareinteracting,sothatyoucan:

•Listenbettertowhatisbeingsaid

•Lookattheotherpeopleinvolved

•Noticetheirreactionsaswellasyourown.

Don’t focus100percentofyourattentiononotherpeopleandforgetyourselfentirely.Insteadtrytoachieveabalancebetweeninternalandexternalfocusing,betweenyourownthoughtsandfeelingsandtheoutsideworld.Youwouldnot,for example, keep your eyes fixed (unnaturally) on someone else, but ratherallowyourselftomakeeyecontactandtolookawayjustasyoumightifyoudidnotfeelanxiousatall.

Thismightseemverydifficultat first.Oneway tomake iteasier is togiveyourself something to dowhen you’re in a social situation. For example, youcould:

•Observewhattheotherpersonorpeoplearewearingandhowstylishornotyouthinktheyare

•Trytoguesswhattheymightbefeelingorwhatsortofdaythey’vehad

•Workoutwhattheiroccupationmightbe.

Find something about theother peopleyou’rewith that interests you. Imaginethat youweregoing todescribe them to someone else andmakemental notesaboutthem.

Makealisthereofsomeoftheotherthingsyoucouldobserveordotokeepyourattentionfocusedonotherpeopleandawayfromyourself.

WhenyourmindwandersSoyou’vedecidednot to thinkabouthowunpleasantasocialexperience isorhow bad you are feeling, and you’ve turned your attention to something else.Youmayfind,however,thatyourattentionwandersoff,orappearstobegrabbedonceagainbyyourinternalsensationsandfeelings.

This is entirely normal. Unless we are especially relaxed and sleepy, ourattention constantly shifts, as if we were always scanning and examining oursurroundings. So, even when you have made the ‘right’ decision, and havesucceededinmakingyourselffocusonsomethingoutsideyourself,youmayfindthatyouquicklylosethenewfocus.

When this happens, just repeat your original plan. Turn your attentionoutwards again. It may help to think about something external (andunthreatening),and todosomething tohelpengageyourattentionaswell.Forexample,youcouldthinkabouthownicetheotherperson’shairlooksandaskthemwheretheygetitcut.

Thetwo-wayexperiment

The two-way experiment can help you to learn how to control what you payattentionto.Itinvolvestryingthingsoutintwocompletelydifferent,contrastingways,andcomparingwhatyounoticeandwhatyoufeelonthetwooccasions.

Youneedtobecomecuriousandfindoutwhathappensifyoupayattentionexclusively to yourself, even exaggerating what happens when you feel self-conscious.Thenyouneedtodotheexactopposite.Thatmeansforcingyourselftopayattentionexclusivelytosomeoneelseortosomethingoutsideofyourself.

It takes some courage to carry out this experiment, and you need to thinkcarefullyaboutitbeforeyoustart.

•Whereandwhencouldyoudoit?

•Howwillyouexplorethedifferencebetweenthetwooccasions?

Let’s takeadetailed lookat anexampleof a two-wayexperiment.You’ll findextracopiesof thissampleexperimentwithspacetowriteyouranswers to thequestionsatthebackofthisworkbook.

ThesupermarketqueueexperimentChooseasettingwhenyouarenotmuchinvolved,orevennot involvedatall,withthepeoplearoundyou.Thiscouldbestandinginthesupermarketqueue,orsittingonabusortrainwithotherpeoplenearby.

Step1:Focusonyourself

Noticeallthephysicalsensationsthatyoucanfeel.

•Areyouhotorcold?

•Areyouhungryortired?

•Doyouhaveanyachesorpains?

•Canyoufeelyourclothes?Isanythingtootightortooloose?

•Whatareyourfeelingsandemotions?

•Isanythingparticularrunningthroughyourmind?Anythoughtsorimages?Orimpressions?Ormemories?

Continuedoingthisforthreetofiveminutes.Ifyourmindwanders,thenbringitbacktoyourself.Itisallrighttoletyourmindwanderontoyourownconcernsandworries,ifyoulike,butifitwandersawayfromyourselfthenjustbringitbackagainandkeepuptheinternalfocus.

Thenaskyourselfthetwoassessmentquestions:

1Howdidyoufeel?2Whatdidyounotice?

•Wereyousurprisedbyhowmanythingsweregoingoninside?

•Didyoubecomemoreawareofyourinnerexperiences?

•Ifso,didthischangetheminanyway?Makethemmoreorlessintense?

•Andwhatdidyounotice?

•Doyouknowanythingaboutwhattheotherpeoplearoundyoulookedlike?Abouttheirexpressions,appearance,conversationsandactions,forexample?

•Couldyoudescribesomethingaboutoneofthem?Ordescribeexactlywhatoneofthemwasdoingwhileyouwerefocusingonyourself?

You shouldmake sure that your answers are clear to yourself.Make amentalnoteof them,orwrite themdownon theworksheet, beforegoingonwith theexperiment.

Step2:Reversetheexperiment

Thenextstepistoreversetheexperiment.Foranotherfewminutestrytofocusyourattentionexclusivelyoutsideyourself.Noticesomethingabouteachofthepeople around you. Without obviously staring at them, see if you can besensitivetosomethingaboutthem,suchas:

•Howtheymightfeel

•Howlivelyorenergeticorlethargictheyseem

•Howphysicallyfittheymightbe.

Trytoobserveanythingyoucanthinkofthatmightbeofinteresttoyou.If it seemsnaturalandappropriate, then talk to them.Allowyourself toget

intoconversation,andallowyourcuriositytoleadtheway.Thenaskyourselfthetwoassessmentquestionsagain:

1Whatdidyoufeelthistime?

2Whatdidyounoticethistime?

Makesureyouranswersareclearagain,bymakingeitheramentalorawrittennote.

Sumup

Finally, to sum up the experiment, and think about what you have learned,compare your answers to the two sets of questions. Draw some conclusionsabout what happened, first about the effects of focusing your attention onyourself,andsecondabouttheeffectsoffocusingyourattentiononothers.

•Whatdidyoudoinordertouseyourcuriosity,andfocusonotherpeople?

•Howdidyoudoit?

•Couldyoudoitagain,inmoredemandingsituations?

Doingabrieftwo-waymini-experimentwhentalkingtosomeoneisparticularlyhelpful. You may need to carry out a few two-way experiments to gain themaximum benefit from them. Rather like pulling a pendulum back beforeswinging it in the other direction, this experiment allows you to compare twoextreme ways of paying attention. In the end you might find a mid-point ofattention-focusing,allowingyourattentiontocomeandtogomorenaturallyandfreely.

Thetwo-wayexperimentworksheet

Step1.Focusonyourselfforthreetofiveminutes.(a)Noticeeverythingthatisgoingoninsideyou.Forexample,noticeallthesensations

thatyoucanfeel;howcoldorhotyouare;whetheryouarehungry,ortired,orfullofachesandpains.Noticehowyourclothesfeelonyourbody.Noticeyourfeelings,andanythoughts,images,impressionsormemoriesthatcometomind.

(b)Answertheassessmentquestions(writeyouranswersdown):

1Howdidyoufeelwhenfocusingonyourself?

2Whatdidyounotice?Writedownasmuchasyoucanhere.

Step2.Focusonthingsoutsideyourselfforthreetofiveminutes.(a)Noticeotherpeople:howtheylook,whattheyarewearing,whattheymightbefeeling

orthinkingabout.

(b)Answerthetwoassessmentquestions(writeyouranswersdown):

1Howdidyoufeelwhenfocusingoutsideyourself?

2Whatdidyounotice?Writedownasmuchasyoucanhere.

Step3.Comparethetwo.Whatwasdifferent?

Whatwasthesame?

Step4.Summarizeyourconclusions:SelffocusOtherfocusWhichmadeyoufeelbetter?Whichgaveyoumoreoftheinformationthathelpsyoualongsocially?Wasfocusingonotherpeopledifficulttoachieve?Howdidyoudoit?Doyouneedmorepracticetoachievethedesiredeffect?

Makinguseofobservation:curiosityinpractice

If youwent to the departures gate at an airport youwould see lots of peoplesayinggoodbyetoeachother.Atthearrivalsgateyouwouldseeanotherlotofpeoplemeetingupandgreetingeachother.Asacuriousobserverofpeople inthissettingyouwouldnoticethat therearemanydifferentwaysofpartingandgreeting.Whathappensdependsonmanythings:

•Theageofthepeople

•Howwelltheyknoweachother

•Theirnationality

•Theirmoods

•Howlongtheywillbe,orhavebeen,apart

•Whoelseiswiththemandsoon.

Thereisclearlynosingleorrightwayofsayinghelloandgoodbye,eventhoughthisisoneofthemostbasicofallsocialinteractions.

But shy people, and peoplewho are socially anxious, often talk as if theywereindangerof‘doingitwrong’–asiftherewasanidealwaytobehave.Theyalsoassumethatwhattheydowillfallshortofthisideal,andthereforeruntheriskofbeing‘unacceptable’.

Butwhosewayofbehavingistheideal?Attheairportwecanseethateitheridealsareverydifferentbetweenpeopleorthattherangeofacceptablepracticeismuchwiderthananxiouspeoplesupposeitis.

Intheendpeopledowhatevertheyfeelcomfortablewith,orwhatworksforthem.This iswhy there isnoneed tobe self-consciousabout thewayyoudothings.

If there are no absolute ideals for how we should behave, moment bymoment, with each other, then there is no reason to suppose that doingsomethinginanunusualway,orinawaythatfeelswrong,attractstheattentionofothers.

OppositeeffectsofsocialanxietyOneoftheoddthingsaboutsocialanxietyisthatitproducesanumberofeffectsthatareoftentheoppositetoeachother.Let’stakealookatsomeofthem.You

mightwanttoplaceatickbesideanyyourelateto.

1 Youmay feelas ifyouare thecentreofattention.At the same timeyoumayfeelsoinferiorandinadequatethatyoubelievethatnooneisatallinterestedinyou.

2 You may become preoccupied with yourself and with what ishappeningtoyou,andexperiencepainfulboutsofself-consciousness.At the same time youmay be quite uncertain about your identity –aboutwhoyouare.

3 Youwanttodothingsright,andtobeacceptable.Butyoustillwantyour individuality to be recognized and to be able to realize yourpotential.

4 Youdonotwanttobedisregarded.Butyouwanttobeinvisible.

5 You think you are not worth noticing. But you are quite sure thateveryonenoticesyou.

6 Youwant to keep the bad feelings in check.But you find it hard tostopdoingthingsthatmakethebadfeelingsworse.

Some people, noticing these opposite or paradoxical effects, think that beingsociallyanxiousisakindofself-importance.Theythinkthatit isbasedontheassumptionthatyoumattersomuchthateveryonepays,orshouldpay,youlotsofattention.

Infact,socialanxietyismoreoftenbasedontheoppositeassumption.Manysufferers believe that they are in somewayweak, inferior, inadequate or lessgood than others. This is combined with the fear that this inferiority will benoticedandwillpreventyougettingonwithpeopleandfeelingthatyoubelong.

Learningthetechniquesforreducingself-consciousnessisonewayinwhichyou candiscover for yourself that youpossess all the qualities youneed rightnowtoformhappyandpositiverelationshipswithotherpeople.Youjustneedtobuildyourconfidenceandexpresstherealyou.

Self-consciousnessandkeepingsafe

When you are overtaken by a bout of self-consciousness it can be extremely

difficulttoturnyourattentionawayfromyourself.Thatiswhywe’veprovidedthepractical suggestionsabove tohelpyoudo it.That’salsowhyyouneed topractisebyfirstfocusingyourattentionoutsideyourselfinsituationsthatarenottoothreatening.

Thereisanotherexplanationforwhyitcanbedifficulttoputthesuggestionsin this section into effect.The inward focus thatgoeswith self-consciousness,andwhich increases the longer it continues, can be anotherway of protectingyourself.Itcanfeelasifyoudarenotfocusyourattentionontheoutsideworld,forfearofwhatyoumightfindoutthere–asifyouwerefearfulofpickingupotherpeople’snegativesignalsandjudgements.

This fearmakes it hard to turn your attention outwards: to look straight atsomeonewhenyouknowyouareabouttoblush,orthinkyouhavemadeafoolofyourselfinsomeway.Youdon’twanttoletthemseeyou‘atyourworst’,andhave towatch their reactionswhen they spot your vulnerability. It is easier toglancebrieflyupandthenlookaway,retreatingintoyourselfagain,thantogiveuptheself-protectionaltogether.

Butbriefventuresintotheoutsideworldinthiswaytendtoincreaseyourfearrather than to reduce it. They alert you to the possibility of danger out therewithout giving you long enough to assess its reality or to think about how todefuseit.

Whyself-protectiondoesn’tworkTheseself-protectiveattemptsoffocusinginonyourownthoughtsandfeelingsare understandable, but they fail. Theywon’t protect you because they reduceyourcuriosityandmakeitimpossibletochallengeyourfears.

Focusing on your own feelings and thoughts affects what you notice, andtherefore the information that gets into yourmind. It also affects thewayyouinterpret the information that you have noticed, and influences howyou thinkabout it.And it determines the kind of information that you store aboutwhathappened,soitalsoaffectswhatyourememberafterwards.

In this section we’ve focused on how to change what you notice: how tomake sure that you keep in touch with what is really happening and do notdepriveyourselfofaccurateinformationabouttheworldoutsideyourself.

In later sections we’ll look at how changing your patterns of thinking andbehaviourcanalsohelp reduceself-consciousness.Reducingnegative thinkingpatternscanhelpyoudothingsdifferentlyandtobecomesociallyinvolvedwithpeopleinmorespontaneous,lessself-consciousways.

SECTION3:ChangingThinkingPatterns

Thissectionwillhelpyouunderstand:

•Howtofindoutwhatyouarethinking

•Patternsofbiasedthinking

•Howtofinddifferentwaysofthinking

•Howtohandleupsettingthoughts

•Howtohandlepressurizingthoughts

•Howtohandleextremistthoughts

•Whattodowhenthinkingpatternsaredifficulttochange

•Howtoremembernewpatternsofthinking.

LookingatkindsofthoughtsThoughts,feelingsandbehaviourinfluenceeachotherallthetimetokeepsocialanxietygoing.Thecasestudybelowrevealsthemanywaysinwhichpatternsofthinkingcanaffectpeoplewhoaresociallyanxiousorshy.

Readthecasestudycarefullyandcountthenumberofthinkingpatternsyoucanfind.Onlysomeofthemaredescribedasthoughts.

CASESTUDYImagineyouarriveatafriend’shouseforamealandfindtheroomfullofpeopleyoudonotknow.There isapause in theconversationasyouwalk inandyouthink: ‘Everyoneis lookingatme.’Thismakesyounervous,soyou leapat theofferofadrinkbut feelhotandconspicuouswhensomeoneasksyouyourname.Youthink:‘TheymustallhavenoticedhownervousIam’,asyou

avoid catching anyone’s eye and look round for somewhere to put your drink down in case itspills.

Youwonderifyouwilleverbeabletothinkofanythingtosayandstarttofeeluncomfortablyhot.The louderpeople talk themoreyou think ‘I reallydon’tbelonghere’,and ‘Nothing Icouldthink of to say would interest these people’. This makes it harder for you to join in theconversation,soyoukeepquietandretreatintoyourshell,awareofhowineptyoumustseeminotherpeople’seyes.Youlookoutforawayofleavingearly,hopingthatyoucanslipawaywithoutdrawingtoomuchattentiontoyourself.

Thenextdayyoucan’tstopthinkingabouthowyoumusthaveappearedtotheotherpeoplethere.Imagescometomindthatbringbackalltheembarrassmentandnervousnessthatyoufeltatthetime.Youdecideyouwillneverdothatsortofthingagain.

Other thoughts also go through your mind, about how hard it is to make friends, and howinadequateyoufeelcomparedtootherpeople.Youwonderifyoucaneverchange,asyouhavealways been shy.Other shy people seem to havemanaged to growout of it, so you also askyourselfwhetherthereissomethingwrongwithyou.Thelongerthistrainofthoughtsgoesonthemoredispiritedandthesadderyoufeel.

Inthiscasestudy:

•wondering

•deciding

•becomingawareofyourself

•havingimages

arealltypesofthinkingpatterns.Thelastparagraphofthecasestudyshowshowonethoughtleadsontoanotherinanincreasinglydistressingstreamwhichreflectsthemeaningtoyouofwhathappened.

DifferentkindsofthoughtsYoumayhavenoticedyourthoughts,andthewaythattheycanmakeyoufeelanxious and affect how you feel and what you do. Or you may hardly havenoticedthematall.

Whenyourthoughtsgounnoticedthismaybepartlybecausethoughtsareofmanydifferentkinds,andpartlybecausethereisoftennoreasontoexpresstheminwords.Thisisnotsomethingthatpeopleusuallyaskyoutodo.What’smore,putting your thoughts into words can sometimes provoke the feelings that go

withthethoughts,andmakeyoufeelworse.Nobodyreallywantstothinkaboutexactlyhowfoolishtheyappeared.

Nevertheless,itisimportanttoknowaboutthedifferenttypesofthoughtssothatyouwillbemorelikelytorecognizethemwhenyouhavethem.Thoughtsinclude:

•ideas,expectationsandattitudes;

•theymaycomeasimages,impressionsormemories;

•theymaybebeliefsandassumptionsor‘rulesforliving’thatgowithoutsaying.

All of these ways of thinking reflect what goes on in your mind in differentways,andtheycanallplayapartintheviciouscyclesthatkeepsocialanxietygoing.Thisistrueevenifyouarenotfullyawareofsomeofyourthoughts,andevenifyoudonotusuallyputthemintowords,orrecognizethemas‘thoughts’.

ExamplesofkindsofthoughtsThoughtscanbelikehalf-formedideas,forinstanceaboutbeingdifferentfromotherpeoplewithoutbeingabletosayexactlyhow.

Thoughtsmaybereflectedinimagesorimpressionsofyourselfwhichcomefromanearlierstageoflife.Thesecouldbebasedonmemoriesofaparticularlypainfulexperience,suchasbeingrejectedorbullied,orsingledoutforcriticism.

Manypeople,forexample,reportsuddenlyfeelingsmallwhenconfrontedbyunexpectedcriticism,orbysomeoneinauthorityoverthem.Theyalsodescribehavingrelatedimages,suchasanimageofthemselvesasachildfacinguptoalarge and critical teacher.Often such images have something in commonwithwhat is happening in the present, evenwhen the personwhohas themcannotimmediately recognize what this is. (We looked at this inmore detail in PartOne,Section5,page62.)

Expectations like expecting to be judged are common in people who aresociallyanxious.Havinganexpectationcanbemorelikehavinganattitudethatinfluencesthewayyouthinkaboutthings,thanhavingathought.

Negative beliefs, for example about being inadequate or incompetent orunacceptable,oftengowithlowself-confidence(‘Ican’teverseemtodothings

right’).Thinkingthiswayalsorevealsalackofbeliefinyourself.Youmayhavebeliefs about other people aswell as yourself. For example,

youmaybelievethateveryoneisalwayswatchingoutforotherpeople’sfailingsand noticing their shortcomings. Or you may believe that everyone is moreconfidentandcompetentthanyouare.

If this iswhat you believe, then youmay have developed assumptions andrulesforlivingthatfitwiththisbelief,suchas:

•‘Ifyoudosomethingstupidpeoplewillcriticizeandrejectyou’

•‘Neverstickyourneckout.Makesureyoukeepyourselfwellinthebackground’.

Theseareallwaysof thinking,andsomeof themareharder torecognize thanothers.

Themainstrategiesforchangingthinkingpatterns

This sectiondescribes themain strategies for dealingwith thoughts thatmakeyou feel bad, and that help to keep your social anxiety going. There are twosteps:

1Learninghowtoidentifywhatisinyourmind;whatyouarethinking.2Learninghowtore-examinethewaysyouthink.

Your problem may seem to be confusing, and you may find it difficult todisentangleitsdifferentaspects.Thestraightforwardexamplesintherestofthissection will help you to learn what to do, and start you moving in the rightdirection.

Thissectionfocusesonthoughtpatternsthatarerelativelyeasytorecognize.Therewillbesomeherethatarerelevanttoeveryone–eventhosepeoplewhoareonlyrarelysociallyanxious.Section2ofPartThreefocusesonthetypesofunderlying assumptions and beliefs that can make it hard to build up moreconfidenceinyourselfsocially.Theycanslowdownyourprogressifyoudonotmakeaspecialefforttochangethemalso.

Thesestrategieswillhelpyoulearnhowtotuneintoyourthoughtsandthentotakeanotherlookatthem.Thewayyouarecurrentlythinkingiskeepingyour

social anxiety going. It is what you are thinking that explains why particularsituationsseemtobe‘sociallydangerous’– toberiskyor threatening.Findinganotherwayofseeing thingswillmakeyoufeelbetterandbemorehelpful toyou.

Step1:Findoutwhatyouarethinking

Thefirststepistobecomeawareofwhatrunsthroughyourmindwhenyoufeeltenseor anxious.This is easier said thandonebecause the sortsof thoughts–andimages–thatmakeanxietyworseareoftendifficulttoidentify.Theycomeandgoquickly,andmayalsohavebecomeautomatic.Theyarelikebadhabits:youmaynotbefullyawareofthembecausetheyaresofamiliar,asifyouhadbeenlookingthroughcolouredspectacleswithoutknowingthattheywerethere.

Think now about a recent situation in which you felt socially anxious.Perhapsitwasaparty,aworksocialeventorduringameeting.Whenyoucanrememberthesituationquiteclearly,trytoanswerthekeyquestionsopposite.

We’veprovidedaworkedexamplebelowtogetyoustarted.ThesituationAmeetingatwork.Ihadtopresentanideatothegroup.

KeyquestionsforStep1:identifyingyourthoughtsWhatwentthroughyourmindwhenyoustartedtofeelanxious?Andafterthat?Andwhenitwasallover?

I thoughtmycolleagueswould thinkmyideawasnothingnewororiginalandthat Iwasmakinga foolofmyself. I started to feel reallystupid,embarrassedandnervous. I thought theywerenoticing Iwasblushingand lookingnervousand that made me feel still more nervous. An image popped into my head ofhavingtodoapresentationtotheclassatschoolandstammering.EveryonehadlaughedatmethenandIcanstillrememberhowawfulIhadfelt–humiliated,anidiot.AfterthemeetingIthoughtI’dconfirmedmycolleagues’worstopinionofmeandI’dneverbeaskedtopresentanythingagain.AndifIwasaskedI’ddefinitelyrefuseanywaybecauseithadbeensotraumatic.

Whatwastheworstthingthatmighthavehappenedatthetime?

Peoplecouldhavelaughedoutloudatmyidea.

Whatisitaboutthissituationthatmatterstoyou?

ItmattersbecauseIlookedsofoolishinfrontofcolleaguesandbecauseIwasn’table to be professional or even just normal.Other people can do that kind ofthing.

Whatdoeshavingthisexperiencemeantoyou?

It’sproofofmyincompetenceandfailure.

Whatdoesitmeanaboutyou?

I’minadequate;I’mhopelessatanykindofsocialsituation.

Didanyofyourthoughtsmakeyoufeelworse?Ifso,whichones?

IfeltworsethemoreIthoughtaboutwhatotherpeoplemightbenoticingaboutmybehaviourorthinkingaboutme.

Now answer the questions for yourself with a particular personal situation inmind.

Thesituation:

1Whatwentthroughyourmindwhenyoustartedtofeelanxious?Andafterthat?Andwhenitwasallover?

2Whatwastheworstthingthatmighthavehappenedatthetime?

3Whatisitaboutthissituationthatmatterstoyou?

4Whatdoeshavingthisexperiencemeantoyou?

5Whatdoesitmeanaboutyou?

6Didanyofyourthoughtsmakeyoufeelworse?Ifso,whichones?

LinkingthoughtsandfeelingsWhenidentifyingthethoughtsthatareimportantandrelevantforyou,lookforthosethatfitwiththewayyoufelt.Sometimesitiseasytomakethisfit:ifyoufeltembarrassedandrememberthinkingthatyoumighthaveoffendedsomeonebymistake,thenthisobviouslyseemstofit.Sometimesitismuchharder.

Forexample,youmighthave felt totally rejected, even thoughnothing thatyou can remember seems to have provoked that feeling.When this happens,keepaskingyourselfthekeyquestions.Trytostandbackfromtheproblemfarenoughtoidentifyyourpersonalperspectiveonit.Maybethepowerfulfeeling(forexample,asenseofbeingrejected)reflectsoneofyourattitudesorbeliefs,orparticularmemoriesthatyouhave.Thinkingaboutwhatthesituationmeanstoyouandwhyitmatterstoyouhelpstoidentifythesethoughts.

UsingthethoughtrecordThe‘Thoughtrecordforidentifyingthoughts’shownoverleafisausefulwaytopinpointyourthoughts.Itwillalsohelpyoutoseparatethemfromthefeelingsthatwentwiththem.Anexampleofacompletedformhasalsobeenprovided.Extrablankcopiesareprovidedatthebackofthebook.

Writing things down is a goodway of developing the habit of recognizingwhatyouare thinking, andnoticinghowyour thoughts influence theway thatyoufeel.

Keepa recordfora fewdaysofsituations inwhichyoufeelanxiousorupset.Alwaysstartbythinkingofspecificsituationsorincidentsthathappenedtoyou

recently,andthatyourememberwell.Usetheseascuestohelpputintowordsthethingsthatgothroughyourmindwhenyouareanxious:thethoughts,ideas,attitudes, images and so on, as in the examples provided. Refer to the keyquestionsaboveandusethemasprompts.Notedown:

•Detailsofthesituation;whatitwasandwhenitoccurred

•Whatfeelingsyouexperienced(e.g.fear,anxiety,fedup,shaky)

•Yourthoughts,orwhatwasinyourmindwhenyoufeltthatway.

Your aimat this stage shouldbe topay close attention toyour thoughtswhenyou feel anxious or upset. See if you can put into words the things that gothroughyourmind,asintheexamplesshowninthetable.

Youmayfindthisdifficultifitseemstoyouthattheanxietyjustcomes‘outof theblue’,without therebeingany thoughtsbehind it. If that is the case trydoingsomething thatmakesyou feel anxious, just so thatyoucanpayspecialattentiontothethoughtsthatrunthroughyourmindwhenyoudo.

Anotheroptionis toaskyourself thekeyquestionsaboutwhat thesituationmeansaboutyou,ormeanstoyou.Answeringthesequestionsmayhelpyouputsomeofyourattitudesandexpectationsintowords.Thesearenotlikethoughtsthatrunthroughyourmindatthetime,buttheyarestillthoughtprocesses.Theycanhave a significant impact on thewayyou feel, andonwhat youdowhenconfrontedbyadifficultsituation.

BeaccurateItisimportanttobeasaccurateinobservingyourfeelingsandthoughtsasyoucan,anditiseasytoforget.Sousethisworkbookandkeepittohandasfaraspossible.Getintoahabitofmakingamentalnoteofwhathappensandwritingitdown as soon as you can. If you always start by thinking about specificsituations,aboutthingsthathavehappenedtoyouquiterecently,youwillfinditeasier to identify the thoughts. This is because you will knowwhere in yourmemorytostartlookingforthem.

Itisimportantnottojustdwellonthefeelingsthemselves,buttousethemtopromptyoutothinkaboutyourthinking.Doingthisexerciseislikebecominganexpertmechanicwho listens to the sound of the engine,watches how the carperforms,andthentunesintopossiblesourcesoftrouble.

Whenit’shardtoworkoutwhyyoufeelthewayyoudoSometimes you feel bad – anxious, nervous or embarrassed, for example –apparentlyfornoreasonatall.However,therealwaysisareason;itjustmaybedifficulttoworkoutwhatitis.Thethoughtscomeandgoquickly,andattitudesandbeliefsdonothavetobeputintowordstoinfluencehowyoufeel.

Think about any memories, fleeting images or general impressions thatoccurredwhenyoufeltanxious.Thisoftenhelpsinunderstandingwhyyoufeltso bad at the time. It may help you to recognize how your thoughts – whathappensinyourmind–keeptheproblemgoing.Ifyouhadanimageofbeingyelledatinpublicandwantingtorunawayandhide,itwouldnotbesurprisingtofeeldistressedandconspicuous.Suchimpressionsmaycontinuetoinfluencethe present even though they really belong in the past. Also images provokestrongfeelings,so theytendtokeeptheviciouscycleof thoughtsandfeelingsspinning.

PatternsofbiasedthinkingDifferentkindsofthoughtstypicallyoccurbefore,duringandafterthesituationthatcausedyouproblems.

Beforetheevent

Beforetheeventyoumaymakepredictions:predictingthatyouwilldoorsaysomethingwrong,orinsomewayrevealyour‘inadequacy’.

Duringtheevent

During theeventmanypeoplego in formindreading,orguessinghowotherpeoplearereactingtothemandwhattheyarethinking.Ortheycatastrophize,andassumethatwhathappenedwasfarworsethanitreallywas.

Aftertheevent

Afterwards it canbedifficult to stopdwellingonwhatyou thinkwentwrong,judgingandcriticizingyourself andmakingassumptions abouthowyoucame

acrossandhowothersreacted–likedoingapostmortem.

These are all what therapists call biased ways of thinking. They are biasedthoughts because they are influenced by your habit of taking an anxiousperspectiveonthings.

They are therefore likely to be inaccurate. Like looking through a pair ofdistortingspectacles,thesewaysofthinkingareespeciallylikelytobeassociatedwithmisperceptions andmisinterpretations aboutwhat is really happening, aswellaswithfeelingbad.

Getting rid of the bias and getting your thoughts back in perspective willmakeyoufeelbetter,butfirstyouneedtorecognizethatthebiasisthere.

CommonformsofbiasedthinkingWe’velistedsomecommonformsofbiasbelow, togetherwithsomeexamplesof the thoughts thatmightgowith them.Mostofus tend to think in favouriteways.Thismayhelptoexplainwhywereadilyfallintopatternsofthinking.

If you can identifyyour favouritewaysof thinking, youwill be in abetterpositiontospotthethinkingbiasinaction:‘ThereIgoagain–mindreadingorguessingwhat other people are thinking’, for example. If you cando this youwillhavemadeamajorstepinovercomingyoursocialanxiety.

Takingthingspersonally

Thisinvolvessupposingthatsomebodyelse’sactionsweredirected,personally,towardsyou:forexample,whensomeoneleavestheroomorlooksawaywhileyouaretalking.

Haveyoudonethisrecently?Describewhathappenedhere.

Takingtheblame

This involves taking responsibility for something when it is not yours. Forexample,‘Hewasreallyangry.Itmustbemyfault.IwonderwhatIcandotomakeitbetter?’

Haveyoudonethisrecently?Describewhathappenedhere.

Mindreading

This involves believing that youknowwhat others are thinking.For example,‘She thinks I’m not talkative enough’; ‘He doesn’t like people who are shy’;‘TheyknowjusthowhopelessIamatthis’.

Haveyoudonethisrecently?Describewhathappenedhere.

Discountingthepositive

Thisinvolvesrejectinggoodthingsasiftheydidnotcount(orusinganegativefilter). For example, ‘She only said that to make me feel better’; ‘Anybodyshouldbeabletoorderameal.DoingthatOKisnobigdeal’;‘Theywerejustbeingpolite’.

Haveyoudonethisrecently?Describewhathappenedhere.

Emotionalreasoning

Thisinvolvesmistakingfeelingsforfacts:‘I’msoembarrassed,Iknoweveryoneis looking atme’. It involves supposing you are inadequate because that’s thewayyoufeel.

Haveyoudonethisrecently?Describewhathappenedhere.

Catastrophizing

Thisinvolvesthinkingthatifsomethinggoeswrongitwillbeadisaster:‘IfIputafootwrongthisrelationshipistotallydoomed’;‘IfthisgoesbadlyIwillneverbeabletoshowmyfacehereagain’.

Haveyoudonethisrecently?Describewhathappenedhere.

Over-generalizing

This involves assuming that because something happened once, this means itwillalwayshappen:forexample,becauseyouspilledadrink,orfailedtoseeajoke,youwillalwaysdosomethingclumsyormissthepoint.

Haveyoudonethisrecently?Describewhathappenedhere.

Predictingthefuture,orfortunetelling

Examples of this include thinking things such as ‘I’ll never be able to feelcomfortabletalkingtosomeoneattractive’;‘I’llalwaysbeonmyown’;‘Nobodywilleverinvitemealong’.

Haveyoudonethisrecently?Describewhathappenedhere.

Labelling,orname-calling

Thisinvolvesgivingyourselfahardtime;forexample,thinkingthingssuchas‘I’museless...inept...stupid...inferior’;‘Otherpeopleareunfriendly...critical...hostile...superior’.

Haveyoudonethisrecently?Describewhathappenedhere.

Wishfulthinking

Thisinvolvessupposingthingswouldbebetteriftheyweredifferent.‘IfonlyIwerecleverer...moreattractive...wittier...younger...morelikeothers.’

Haveyoudonethisrecently?Describewhathappenedhere.

Canyounowworkoutwhichtypesofthinkingyoudomostoften?Writethemdownhere.

Step2:Lookingforalternativewaysofthinking

Lookingforalternativewaysofthinkingisoneofthemainthingsyoucandotomakeyourselffeelbetter.Therestofthissectionexplainshowtodothisusingpencil and paper, and how to do it in your head. More methods are alsodescribed in the next sections on doing things differently and building up

confidence.Allthesestrategiescanbeusedtohelpyoutorethinkyourattitudestoyoursociallife,yourassumptionsaboutit,andthewaythatyouapproachit.

Onceyouknowwhat you are thinking, thenext step is to re-examineyourthoughts.Theaimistolearntoquestionyourthoughts,ratherthanacceptthemasfacts.Explorethem,andthethingsthatspringtomindwhenyouthinkaboutthem.Seewhethertheyfittogether,makesenseandarehelpfultoyou.

Whenyoudothisyouwillfindthatthereisnoonerightwayofseeingthings.Rather,therearemanypossibilities.Somecanmakeyoufeelworse,andotherscanmakeyoufeelbetter.

Let’slookatapracticalexampletomakethisclearer.Imagineyouarehavingamealwith a number of other people.Youmight think that everyone else isdoing things right, but you are doing them wrong. Thinking this way willprobablymakeyoufeeltenseandnervousaboutwhatyousayanddo,andveryself-conscious. As a result it becomes hard to relax or to eat, or to think ofanythingelse.

However,thereareotherwaysofthinkingaboutthesamesituation.Herearesomeoftheotheroptions:

•Everyoneisdoingsomethings‘right’andsomethings‘wrong’

•Nobodybutyouisthinkingintermsofrightandwronganyway

•Therearesomanydifferentwaysofdoingthingsthatitmatterslittlewhichyouchoose

•Peoplearemoreinterestedinwhatyouthinkthaninwhetheryoudothingsthe‘right’way

•Doingthingsdifferentlyfromothersmakespeoplecuriousaboutyou,butnothingmorethanthat.

Thepointisthatthereisafarwiderchoiceofwaysofthinkingthanspringstomind at first. You could see the clouds in the sky as a sign of rain, and feeldisappointed.Oryoucouldseethemasachanceofsunshineandfeelaltogethermorecheerful.Therearemanyotheroptionsaswell.

Thewayyouthink,andwhatyouchoosetothinkaboutwillaffectthewayyoufeel.

Forexample,someonewhothought,

‘TheythinkI’mpeculiar’

wouldbelikelytofeelunhappyorrejected.Theymightfeellessupsetifinsteadtheyaskedthemselves,

‘HowdoIknowwhattheyarethinking?’

andthenansweredthatquestionwiththenewthought,

‘MaybeI’mjustguessing.Imaybenoodderthanlotsofpeople.’

Oftensociallyanxiouspeoplearemakingguessessuchasthisone,andjumpingtoconclusionsaboutwhatothersthinkofthem.

Whatwouldyouthinkifsomeoneyouknewwellbuthadnotseenforawhilepassed close by to you in the street but did not even smile?Would you thinksomething like, ‘I must have done something to offend them’, or ‘I don’tsuppose they really like me’? If so, this is a good example of the kind ofguesswork that ties inwith the fear thatotherswill thinkbadlyaboutyou,butwhichisnotbasedonthefactsofwhathappened.Stopandthinkforaminuteaboutwhatyouwouldreallythinkinthissituation.Writedownyourideashere.

QuestioningyourupsettingthoughtsYoucanlearntofindalternativestoupsettingthoughtssuchasthosedescribedabovebyaskingyourselfsomemorekeyquestions.

Let’s look at aworked example first and see how the questions apply to arecenteventSally,whosuffersfromsocialanxiety,foundupsetting.

KeyquestionsforStep2:Lookingforalternatives

Theevent:

Sally is50andmarriedwith twogrown-upchildren.She’salwayskept toherselfbutsincebothher children left home she’s found herself increasingly lonely and feeling isolated. She’s beeninvited to a neighbour’s barbecue and after nearly backing out several times through shyness,decidesatlasttogo.

Unfortunatelywhenshearrivesshefindsshedoesn’tknowmanypeople thereverywellandfeelsverynervousandshy.Shespotsawomanwhosheknows from the localneighbourhoodwatchgroupshebelongsto.Mariehasalwaysbeenquitechattyandfriendlyinthepastandhadasked her over for coffee a few times. In turnSally has babysatMarie’s 10-year-old child andbeensupportivewhenMariewasunderpressureandneededtimeout.

Sallydecidestogoover tospeaktoMariebutafter they’veexchangeacoupleofsentencesMariesaysshehastogetbackhometocheckonherfamilyandleavesabruptly.Sallyfeelshurtand rejected and decideswhat she had to saymust have been very boring.What’smore shedecidesthatMariemustneverhavelikedherverymuchinthefirstplace.

Whatarethefacts?

What evidence does Sally have to supportwhat she thinks?What evidence isthereagainstit?Whichwayofthinkingfitsbestwiththefacts?Thefactthatyouthinksomethingdoesnotmakeittrue.TheevidencetosupportSally’sviewthatMariethinksshe’sboringandhasneverlikedheristhatashort timeafter talking toherMarie leaves.Theevidenceagainst this is thatMarieexplainedshehadtogoandcheckonherfamilyandthismayhavebeentrue;alsoMariehasbeenfriendlyandchattyinthepast.ThereseemsmoreevidencetosupporttheviewthatMariedoeslikeSallyandsimplycouldn’tstayanylongeratthepartybecauseofothercommitments.

Whatpossiblealternativesarethere?

WhatwouldSally think ifsheweremoreconfident?Howmightsomeoneelseviewthissituation?Whatwouldyousaytosomeoneelsewhowasthinkingin

thissortofway?Whatwouldsomeonewhocaredaboutyousay?IfsheweremoreconfidentSallymight thinkthatsheisan interestingandnicepersonandthatsheandMariehavealwaysgotonwellinthepast.ThefactthatMariehastoleaveisnotadirectinsult.AnotherpersonatthepartymightobservethatMarieisaverybusywomanwhotakesherrole asmother very seriously. Theymight know that one of her children is not well and eventhoughMarie’shusband is lookingafter thechildrenMariealready feels she’s stayed too long.Someone elsemight observe that Sally seems overly sensitive and perhaps is being unfair toMarie.SomeonewhocaredforSallymightsaythatsheisbeingoverlyhardonherself,imaginingthatsheisbeingboring.Whatistheworstpossiblewayofseeingthings,ortheworstthingthatcouldpossiblyhappen?

What isthebestwayofseeingthings,orthebestthingthatcouldhappen?Whichismostrealistic?Ormostlikelytoberight?

TheworstwayofseeingthingsisthatSallyisright,Mariehasneverlikedherandwasjustbeingpoliteall thoseothertimes.TheworstthingthatcouldhappenisthatMarieactuallysaysthistootherpeoplebehindSally’sbackandthatabsolutelynoonelikesSally.

ThebestwayofseeingthingsisthatMariehadtogetbacktoherchildandwassorrynottobeabletospendmoretimewithSally.ThebestthingthatcouldhappenisthatMarieinvitesheroverforamorningcoffeeandapropercatch-upsoon.

It’snotrealisticthatMariehasjustbeenpoliteallthesetimesbecauseshe’sactuallygoneoutofherwaytomaintaincontactwithSallyandinvitehertodothingstogether.What’smore,Sallywasinvitedtotheneighbour’sbarbecuesothat’sevidencethatotherpeoplelikeSallyaswellandthatsheisalikableperson.

WhatbiasesmightbeaffectingSally’sthinking?

Forexample, isshejumpingtoconclusions?Exaggerating?Over-generalizing?Isshepredictingthefutureasacertainty?Ormindreading?Orfocusingonthenegativesideofthingsattheexpenseofeverythingelse?Sally jumps to the conclusion thatMarie leaves suddenly because she findsSally boring. Sheexaggerates the importanceofMarie leavingandtakes itpersonally.Sheover-generalizesfromthe fact thatMarie left thatMariehasnever likedherandengages inmind-reading that this iswhat Marie actually thinks. She focuses on the negative fact that Marie left rather thanrememberingalltheothertimesMariehasactivelysoughtouthercompany.

WhatcouldSallydothatwouldbehelpful?

Whatpersonalskillsandstrengthsdoesshehavetohelp?Whatpastexperienceofdealingwithsimilarproblems?Whathelp,adviceandsupportisavailabletoher,fromothersorfrombooks?Whatcanshedotochangethings?Ifshecan’tchangethesituation,couldshekeepanopenmindaboutwhatitmeans?SallyisakindpersonwhohasgivenMariesupportinthepast.ShecoulduseherresourcesasasupportiveandmoreexperiencedparenttoovercomeherfearthatMariedoesn’tlikeherandaskMarieifshecanhelplookafterherchildren.SallycouldtalktootherneighboursandcheckhowMarieisgettingalongandwhethersheneedshelp.SallycouldchangethingsbyspendingmoretimewithMarie(andotherfriends)sothatshefeelsmoreconfidentaboutherselfandwhatshehastoofferasafriend.ShecouldcertainlykeepanopenmindthatthisoneoccasiondoesnotprovethatMarieactuallydislikesher.Nowthinkaboutarecentsituationyoufoundupsettingandanswerthesesamequestions.

AnsweringyourupsettingthoughtsUse these questions constantly to help you to rethink, and keep writing youranswers down, so that you do not forget them.After you have gotten used toaskingyourself thedetailedquestionsyoumay find it easier touse the simpletwo-columnthoughtrecordshownonpage64.Thereareextrablankversionsofthisformatthebackofthebook.

The aim is to search yourmind for otherways of thinking. It’s important,however, to recognize that thesemaynot comeeasily at first.We’veprovidedsomeexamplesinthetable.We’vealsoleftaspaceforyoutouse,ifyouwish,to re-examineyour thoughts aboutbeing ignoredby someonewhoknowsyouwell.Canyoufindanotherwayofthinkingaboutit?

Sometimes people think they can re-examine their thoughts without writing

thingsdown–doing it in theirheads– and, indeed, sometimes theyare right.Nevertheless,foreveryoneit isimportanttodothisexerciseinwritingenoughtimestobesurethatyoureallycanidentifyalternativewaysofthinkingandputthem into words. Otherwise it is tempting to be satisfied with a rather vaguenotionofhavingachievedadifferentwayofseeingthings.Vagueideasarelesslikely to have a beneficial effect on how you feel than ones that are clearer.Putting the new ideas intowords by completing a thought record like the onebelowbringsthemintofocus.

The important thing while you’re thinking of alternatives is to keep an openmind, and not to get led astray by your fears. These tend to push you intoextremepositionssuchasthinking:‘EveryonecouldseethatImadeacompleteidiotofmyself’. Instead theaimof theexercise is to leadyou towardsamorebalanced, and usually more accurate, way of seeing things. Here are someexamplesofmorebalancedthinking:

•‘Maybepeoplearenotjudgingorevaluatingme,orevennoticingmeparticularly.’

•‘MaybeIcan’ttellwhatpeoplearereallythinking.’

•‘MaybeIfeelworsethanIlook.’

•‘Maybepeopledon’trejectyouforbeingnervous–afterall,ithappenstoeveryonesometimes.’

•‘MaybeI’mjustasgoodastheyare,underneath.’

Giveyourselfthebenefitofthedoubt.Trytothinkasyoumightifyouhadnoneofthebadfeelingsthathavesentyouinsearchofhelp.Takeyourselfonamind-

trip,andseeifyoucanfindotherperspectivestoexplore.

Finding‘good’alternativesGoodalternativewaysofthinkingcomeinmanyshapesandsizes.Youarethebest person to judgewhich oneswillwork for you.A good alternative is onethat:

•Makesyoufeelbetter

•Fitswiththefacts(notwithyourfearsorsuspicions,orwithabiasedinterpretationofthefacts)

•Helpsyoutodothethingsthatyouwanttodo.

Lookat the alternatives that you find alongside theovercoming social anxietygoalsthatyousetyourselftobeginwith(seepage6).Askyourselfwhetherthenewwayofthinkingwouldhelpyoutoachievethosegoals.

Good alternatives also help you to break old patterns of thinking like thebiaseslistedearlier.Watchoutforyourfavourites,andseeifyoucanspottheminactionattimeswhenyoufeelbad.Youmightfindyourselfsayingsomethinglike:‘ThereIgo,discountingthepositivethingsagain.’

Unlike biased ways of thinking (especially catastrophizing, or over-generalizing), helpful alternatives can usually be expressed in moderate or‘open-minded’ language, as in the ‘maybe’ examples listed above.Theymakeyoufeellesspressurized,andhelpyoutoadoptabalancedandflexibleviewofthingsratherthananextremistone.

Pressurizingthoughts

Examplesofpressurizingthoughtsinclude:

•‘Imustthinkofsomethinginterestingtosay.’

•‘Ishouldbeabletolikepeoplemore.’

•‘Ioughttotryhardertobeamusingandentertaining.’

Pressurizingthoughtscontainpressurizingwords,likemust,shouldandought.Manypeopleusethesewordstomotivatethemselves,ortourgethemselvesonto do better and to ‘improve’. In the end they work against you because thepressureaddstothetensionandanxiety.Theyalsosuggestthattherearedefiniterules that youmust obey rather than various sets of social conventionswhichhavegrownupgraduallyandthatinpracticearefrequentlybroken.Thinkofthepeopleyouknowwhobreaktheconventionsbutdonotworryaboutit.

Lookingforlesspressurizingalternativesmayfeeluncomfortableatfirst,asif somethingbadmighthappen ifyoudidnotdowhatyou ‘ought’ todo.Onewayroundthisproblemistotrythinkingintermsofpreferences,notpressures.Promptyourselfwith: ‘Itwouldbebetter if ...’, rather thanpushyourselfwith‘must’,‘should’or‘ought’.

Listheresomeofthepressurizingthoughtsyouuseaboutyourselfandtrytowritealesspressurizingalternative.We’vestartedyouoff.

Pressurizingthought:Imustsocializemoreatwork.Alternative: I’ll try to chat to people from time to time when I feel able andready.

Pressurizingthought:

Alternative:

Pressurizingthought:

Alternative:

Pressurizingthought:

Alternative:

Extremistthoughts

Extremist thoughts contain extreme words such as always, never, totally,nobodyandsoon.Examplesofextremistthoughtsare:

•‘Theytotallyignoredme.’

•‘Peopleneverlikeme.’

•‘Iamalwaysmessingthingsup.’

•‘Nobodyfeelsshyaftertheageof30.’

Bytheirverynature,extremiststatementsaremostunlikelytobetrue.Perhapsthey could be true, but it would beworth taking notice if this happened: likebeingabletorunafour-minutemile,ormeetingsomeoneascleverasEinstein.

List here someof the extremist thoughts youhave about yourself andyoursocialanxiety.Aretheytruewhenyoureallyexaminethem?

Sometimes the pressurizing and the extremist words come together. Here are

someexamples:

•‘Youshouldalwaysbepolite.’

•‘IshouldnevershowthatIamangry.’

•‘Youmustalwaysletotherpeoplecomefirst.’

These statements are like rules for living, and they tie in closely with theunderlying beliefs and assumptions that everyone absorbs as they growup. Insome circumstances theymake sense – and these examples illustratewell thekindsofthingsthatparentsandteacherstendtosay,andthekindsof‘rules’theymaytrytoincorporateintothehomeortheclassroom.

However,weareallattimesimpolite,angryandinpursuitofourowngoals.Weoftenwant todo thingsourownwayirrespectiveofwhatotherswant.So,insteadofcombining thepressureand theextremismwhen thishappens–andhitting yourself with a ‘double whammy’ – it helps again to look for morebalanced and moderate ways of seeing things. Instead of using phrases thatsoundlikehiddenthreats–asiftherewereanunspoken‘orelse...’behindthem–lookformorehelpfulalternatives.Threatsworklesswellthanrewardswhenyouare learning somethingnew,and theyalsoadd to feelingsofnervousness,apprehensionandanxiety.

Someoftheoptionsmightbe:

•‘Thingsoftenworkoutbetterifyoucanbepolite.’

•‘Everyonegetsangryattimes–butitdoesmakeadifferencehowyoushowit.’

•‘It’sperfectlyallrightformetocomefirstattimes.’

Canyouseehowthesemorebalancedalternativespointthewayforwards?Theydefinethekindsofstrategiesthatitcanbehelpfultodevelop,suchaswaysofnegotiatingdifferences,expressingangerandtakingturns.

Do you sometimes think in both pressurizing and extremist ways? Writedownsomeexampleshereandthentrytofindamorebalancedalternative.

Whatmakessearchingforalternativesdifficult?‘Yes,but...’

Being anxious goeswithworrying aboutwhatmight happennext; aboutwhatelse could possibly go wrong, and about how bad it would be if it did. Thismakesiteasytodoubtanynewperspectives,andtofolloweachoneupwitha‘Yes,but...’aswecanseeinthefollowingexamples:

•‘Yes,Iknowtheyseemedtolikeme,buttheydon’treallyknowwhatI’mlike.’

•‘Yes,Ididn’tsayanythingstupid,butthenIhardlysaidanythingatall.’

Doubtingisanotherwayofdiscounting,andthewaytoovercomeitistousethe strategies of cognitive therapy: identify the discounting thought and re-examineit,toseeifitreallymakessense.

Sointhefirstexampleabove,awayofre-examiningyourthoughtcouldbetosay:‘MaybepeoplecannottellwhatIamreallylikeuntiltheygettoknowmebetter.’

Andinthesecondexample,youcouldsay:‘Maybesayingmore,andtakingmoreinitiativewhenIamtalkingtopeople,wouldbeafairertestofmythoughtaboutappearingstupid.’

List someof the ‘Yes,but’ thoughtsyouhaveaboutanysuccessesyou’vehadwithmanagingyoursocialanxiety.Writeamorebalancedalternativehere.

Theinnercritic

Another difficulty with finding alternatives arises when you pay too muchattentiontotheinternalvoicethat:

•Putsyoudown

•Dealsoutcriticism

•Handsouttheblamewhenthingsappearnottogowell.

Allofus canhavean inner conversationwithourselves at times. It’s as ifweweretalkingtoanotherself:‘youfool’wesay–asifwedidnotknowthatwe’dmadeamistakeordonesomethingstupidquitewellalready.

Thisinternalmonologue,ordialogue,tendstoincorporatemessagesthatwehave heard elsewhere. Sometimes it has recognizable characteristics of ourparents,teachersorfriends:‘Ifyoudon’tspeakup,nowonderpeoplecan’thearwhatyousay’.Sometimesitreflectsourownself-opinion:‘You’reuseless’.

The troublewith this internal voice is that it comes from inside, and is farmorelikelytoreflectopinionthanfact.Onceagaintheansweristosticktothefacts, and not to bemisled by someoutdatedways of thinking thatmay havelittletodowiththepresent,andwhichmakeyoufeelbad.

Feelinglow

Feelingdiscouraged,demoralizedordepressedalsomakesithardtoseethingsanotherway. It is as if your blackmood colours theway you see things, andplacesanegativefilteronthewayyouthink.

If this happens to you, the first step is to remindyourself how close is therelationship between thoughts and feelings. Think about a timewhen you feltdifferent,morepositiveandhappyandscanyourmemoryforspecificexamplesofhowyouthoughtaboutthingsthen.Youwillneedtoseeifyoucanamplifythescanner,andfocusitclearly,assuchexamplescanbecomenearlyinvisiblewhenalowmoodspreadsaconfusing,obscuringhazeovereverything.

Althoughfeelinglowaboutyourselfdoesmakeitdifficultatfirst toseethingsanother way, focus hard on the specifics of exactly what happened, anddisentanglethefactsfromyourfeelingsaboutthefacts.

Makealisthereofsomeofthetimeswhenyouweren’tanxiousorshyandasocialoccasionwentwellforyou.Lookatthislistatothertimeswhenyou’refeelingunhappyordepressedaboutarecentsocialevent.

Mysocialsuccesses:

Lookbacktopage3ofPartOne.Remindingyourselfofyourstrengths,qualitiesand talentsmayhelpyou.Rememberingsocialevents thatwentwellmayalsohelpyou.

HowtomakeiteasierforyourselfMost people who have suffered from social anxiety or shyness try hard toovercometheirdifficulties.Likethem,youprobablydowhateveryoucan–andoftenpeople’sideasaregoodones.

•Youmaytrytokeepgoing,andnottorunawayfromthings.

•Youmaytryto‘saysomethingtoyourselftomakeyoufeelbetter’–whichis

afairlygooddescriptionofthegeneralaimofcognitivetherapy.

•Youmaytrynottodwellontheproblemandontheuncomfortablesensationsthatitproduces.

•Youmaytrytorelaxandtokeepthingsinperspective,andtobuildyourlifeasbestyoucan.

So it is not for want of trying that the problem of social anxiety persists.Targetingtheseeffortsmoreeffectivelyandmoreefficiently,sothatyousucceedinbreakingtheviciouscyclesthatotherwisekeepsocialanxietygoing,ishighlylikely tobemorehelpful.But itmaybedifficult at first.Doingnew things innewwayscanbealarmingandfeelrisky.Helpingyourselftakescourageandittakespersistence.

Ifyouknewsomeoneelsewhowasundertakingsuchatask,howwouldyouset about helping them?Whatwould they require from you? Three importantcontributionstotheireffortswouldbe:

1Compassion2Understanding3Encouragement.

Unfortunately it seems to be far easier to see how to give these things tosomeoneelsethantoyourself.Mostpeoplemakethemselvesexceptionsto therulewhenitcomesto‘self-improvement’,or‘self-help’.Insteadtheygoinforself-blame,criticismandnamecalling.Wesaythingslike,‘Itwasallmyfault’,‘I’mclumsyandawkward’,‘Wimp’,‘Coward’.Theseareobviousexamplesofnegativeandunhelpfulwaysof thinking,andshyoranxiouspeoplecanbefarmorecreativethanthiswhenputtingthemselvesdown.

It would be easier to make effective changes if you became morecompassionatewithyourself.Spendsometimeworkingouthowtounderstandyourownparticular versionof social anxiety andwhat keeps it going.This ismuchmorelikelytohelpandencourageyouinyourefforttochange.Althoughthismaysoundobvious–ortrivialorpatronizing–itisaveryimportantpoint.Itisfartooeasytoignorethedamagingeffectofsayingsuchnegativeandharshthingstoyourself.

Let’snowsummarize themain ideas in this sectionand lookat somemore

ideas about how to put them together. In thisway you’ll be able to use themeffectively to change theway you feel, and to help youwhen you start to dothingsdifferently.

Puttingthestepstogether

Thetwostepsforchangingthinkingpatternsare:

1Learninghowtoidentifywhatisinyourmind2Learninghowtore-examinethewaysyouthink.

Putting these two steps togetherhelpsyou togetbetter at finding thewaysofthinkingthatmakeyoufeelbetter,anditalsohelpsyouthinkabouthowtoputthenewwaysof thinking intoeffect:how to start changingyourbehaviouraswellasyourthinking.ChangingbehaviouristhetopicofSection4.Herewewillconcentrateoncombiningthestepsforchangingpatternsofthinking.

Thewaytodothisisshowninthethoughtrecordoverleaf,andblankcopiesofthecompletethoughtrecordcanbefoundatthebackofthisbook.

WritingaboutchangesinfeelingsYouwillnoticethatthereareextracolumnsinthecompletethoughtrecordthatdidnotappearinthetwoearlierversionsofitonpages64and65.Thefirstofthese, ‘Change in feelings’, is fornotingdownhowworkingonyour thoughtschangedthewayyoufelt:alloftheoptionsareavailable,frommakingyoufeelmuchworse(–10),throughnochangeatall(0),tomakingyoufeelmuchbetter(+10).

As youwill see from the examples, some newways of thinking have lesseffectthanothers.Some,likethelastoneshownhere,maystillgiveyousomeideasaboutwhattodoeveniftheydonot,atthetime,makeyoufeelanybetter.Remember,youarelookingfornewwaysofthinkingthatmakeyoufeelbetterandthathelpyoutodothethingsthatyouwanttodo.Itmaytakesomepracticebeforeyoucanbringthemtomindwhenyouneedthem.

ActionplanThesecondnewcolumnisheaded‘Actionplan’.Thisiswhereyoushouldwritedown what you would like to do differently. The point of this column is toremind you that you will gain most if you are able to put the new ways ofthinkingintoeffecttochangeyourbehaviouraswellasyourthinking.Section4explainsmoreabouthowtodothis.Fornowyoushouldthinkaboutwhatyouwouldliketobeabletododifferently,sothatyoucanthenworktowardsthis.

You canuse anyof the ideas in this book to start you thinking aboutwhatkindofactionplanyouwouldliketobeabletomakeforyourself.Theexamplesin the completed record shown on the previous page have been written toillustratehowtouse thisworksheet,andshouldmake thewholeprocessclear.

Butremember,ifyouhavedifficultywithit,youcanadaptittosuityourneedsbetter.

BehonestItisimportanttobehonestwithyourselfwhenyoufillintheseworksheets.Thisis the case even if facing up to the difficulties that you have and to negativethoughtsmakesyoufeelworseatfirst–ormakesyoufeelembarrassed.Asyougetbetterat findingalternatives,youwillbeable touse themethod tochangethewayyoufeel,andtodevisetheactionplanthatyouwant.

WriteitdownItisalsoimportanttodothisexerciseonpaper.Thinkingthingsthroughinyourheadisfarmoredifficultthanitmightseem.Itiseasytoskimoverdifficultiesor to formulate rather vague alternatives and plans if they do not have to bewrittendown.

Asthemethodbecomesfamiliar toyou,writingthingsdownwillnolongerbenecessary.You’llbeabletodomoreofitinyourhead,inthesituationsthatactuallyprovokeyouranxiety.Butwriting thingsdownis importantwhenyoubegin.AsSally,theshywomanwemetearlier,saidwhenshetriedthis,thereisa risk at first of being suddenly carried away on a mounting rollercoaster ofanxiety,andofgettinginsuchaflapthatyoucannolongerthinkrationallyorclearly.However,whatshediscoveredwas that ifshefoundawayof takingabreakandcalmingdown,thenshecould‘takestockandgetagrip’,andrationalthought could return. She also reminded herself that shewas trying to changepatternsofthinkingthathadbeenthereforyears–andnoonehadsaiditwouldbe easy. This kind of work does get easier with practice. And when thesemethodsforchangingpatternsofthinkingarecombinedwiththosewelookatinthe following sections on reducing self-consciousness, changing patterns ofbehaviourandbuildingconfidence,thenyouarewellonthewaytoovercomingsocialanxiety.

Makingflashcards,tohelpyouremembernewpatternsofthinking

Oldpatterns of thinking are likebadhabits, and tend to comeback again andagain.Itisonlytooeasytoslipintoyourfavouritebiasedwaysofthinking(seepages53–57).Onewayofhelpingyourselftobreaktheseoldhabitsistomakeflashcards thathelpyoutodevelopnewhabits.Flashcardsaresmall remindersofnewwaysof thinking thatyoucancarryaroundwithyou.Cardsareusefulbecausetheylastlongerthanbitsofpaper,andtheycanbeputinyourpocketorwalletandkepttohandeasily.

So get yourself a card, and on one side of it write one of your typical

upsettingthoughts,suchas:

•‘EveryonecanseehownervousIam’

•‘Ialwaysmakeafoolofmyself’

•‘TheythinkI’mnotworthhavingaround’

Oraquestionaboutyourfavouritebias:

•‘AmImind-readingagain?’

Ontheothersidewritedownthealternativewaysofthinkingthatyouthinkarehelpful.Forexample:

•‘IfeelmorenervousthanIlook’

•‘Ihavehandledthingsokaymanytimesbefore’

•‘IknowIhavesomethingworthwhiletocontribute’.

Usethebackofthecardtosummarizetheworkyouhavedone,andtoremindyourself of other ways of thinking, and of things that have happened that goagainstyouroldpatternsofthinking.

Carrythecardwithyouatalltimes.Thenyoucanuseitwheneveryouneed:

•Whengoingouttodosomethingdifficult

•Asyouarrivesomewhereandbeforeyougointodowhateveryouhavecometodo

•Afteryouleaveandbeforetheunderminingpostmortembegins

•Togiveyourselfamuch-neededboostifyourconfidencefeelsasifitisflagging.

Writesomeofyourkeyideas,positivethoughtsorremindersaboutyouranxiousstyleofthinkinghere.Thencopythemontoacard.

SECTION4:DoingThingsDifferently

This section will help you to understand how to start changing the way youbehave:

•Howtoperformmini-experimentsindoingthingsdifferently

•Howtochangeyoursafetybehaviours

•Howtostopavoidingthings

•Howtokeeparecordofyourexperiments

•Whyyoudon’thavetolearnhowtobehave‘correctly’

•Howtostarttakingrisks

•Howtohandlesetbacksandfeelinganxious.

Before you start work on this section, remember that thoughts, feelings andbehaviourarecloselylinked.That iswhytheprevioussectiononchangingthewayyouthinkissoimportant.Ifyouthinkthatyoudonotfit inwellwiththepeoplearoundyou,thenyoumayfeeldispirited,andbehaveinwaysthatreducethe amount of contact you have with them. So it is important to both thinkdifferentlyandactdifferently.Thetwotogetherwillhelpyoufeel lessanxiousandhappier.

NewwaysofdoingthingsInthissectionwewilllookatexperimentingwithnewwaysofdoingthingssuchas:

•Beingmoreoutgoing

•Askingmorequestions

•Makingtheefforttomeetnewpeople.

Acting in new ways provides a direct test of what you think about socialsituations. It challenges anxious predictions you may have about what willhappensuchas:

•‘Ishallfeeldreadfulthewholetime’

•‘Iwon’tbeabletogetmypointacross.Iwillgetmuddledandconfused’.

Thoughts like thesemakeyouwant toprotectyourselfandkeepyourself safe.Butavoidingthingsorholdingyourselfbackmeansthatyouneverknowifyourpredictions are right. Taking the risk of doing things differently can tell youwhetherthepredictionsyouweremakingwererightorwrong.Youmighthavebeenupsettingyourselffornogoodreason.

Most people with social anxiety want to protect themselves from theembarrassmentsandhumiliationsthattheyfear.Butifyoutrytokeepyourselfsafe fromdisaster,andavoiddoing things thatmakeyou feelat risk,your lifebecomesrestricted.

Oftenthewayyouarethinkingandfeelingmakeskeepingsafeseemliketheonly sensible option. Safety behaviours and avoidance are understandablereactions to feeling anxious, but in the long run they maintain the difficultyrather thanresolve it.Dealingwith thoughts isabeginning,butchangingyourbehaviourisessentialifyouaregoingtoovercomesocialanxiety.

Whatwouldchangingyourbehaviourmean?

It is important to recognize the ways in which being socially anxious or shyaffectyourbehaviour.Whenyoudothisyou’llgainthemostfromthissection.Let’s look at some key questions to help you really focus in on theway youbehavenowandhowyou’dliketochange.We’llseehowJoe,a28-year-oldmanwithsocialanxiety,answered thesequestionsand thenwewantyou toanswerthemforyourself.

Thefourkeyquestions

1Whatwouldyouliketodo?

Think of something you would like to do but haven’t done because of beingsocially anxious. Some examples may help you start thinking along the rightlines:

•Makethefirstmovetowardsgettingtoknowsomeonebetter

•Asksomeoneyoudonotknowwelltodosomethingwithyou

•Lookforanewjob

•Disagreewithsomeoneinauthority

•Makerequestssuchasaskingsomeonetohelpyouout,orturntheirmusicdown,orgiveyouthepayriseyoudeserve

•Invitepeopleintoyourhome

•Accepttheofferoffurthertrainingorapositionwithmoreresponsibilityorapromotion

•Takeadvantageofanopportunitytostretchyourselfandacquireanewskill.

Joewrote:Iwouldliketobemoreoutgoingwithmyworkcolleague,Colette.Writedownherewhatyouwouldliketodoifyoufeltlessanxious:

2Whatwouldhappenifyoudidwhatyouwouldliketodo?

Nowaskyourselfwhatgetsinthewayofdoingthingsthatyouwouldliketodo,andpreventsyourealizingyourpotential.

Youmight well answer: ‘my social anxiety’. But think about this questionmore deeply and ask yourselfwhat these situationsmean to you.Do you, forinstance, see them as sources of potential embarrassment and humiliation thatmakethemseemtooriskytoattempt?

It isas if trying todo these thingswouldput toomuchatstake.Somethingmightgowrong.Thedangersandthreatsareinhibitingandholdyouback.Themeaning that they have for you interferes with the way youwould otherwisebehave.

Writedownherewhatyou thinkwouldgowrongifyoudiddo the thingsyouwouldliketodo.

Joewrote:Imightmakesomestupidjokethatwasn’tfunny.ColettewouldthinkIwasanidiot.Youranswer:

3Whatwouldhappenifyourpredictionwaswrong?

When something seems threatening you think about how to protect yourself.Therearetwomainwaysofdoingthis:

1Keepingyourselfsafe2Avoidingthings.

Givingupsafetybehavioursandavoidancehelpsyoutofindoutwhetherthesethreats are truly serious or not. If your prediction is wrong the threat willdiminish for you as you face the things that you fear. In this way you arecontinuingtheprocessofchangethatyoubeganbyworkingonyourthoughts.

4Ifyourpredictionwaswrong,andthingsconsistentlyturnedoutbetterthanyoufearedtheymight,whatwoulditmeantoyou?Whatwoulditmeanaboutyou?

Joewrote:If IwasmoreoutgoingandexpressedmypersonalityColettewouldget toknowmebetter.Wemightactuallygetcloserandbecome real friends. Itwouldmean that Iwouldbe less lonely. ItwouldmeanthatIcouldbemyselfandpeoplewouldacceptmeforwhoIam.Writedownyouranswerhere.

Thinkingaboutwhatyou’vedoneTheideaofthesequestionsistomakeyouthinkaboutwhatyouwouldbeabletodo ifyouwerenot soanxiousor shy,andaboutwhat itwouldmean ifyoucould.Whenyoufollowthroughtheideasbelowandstart tochangewhatyoudo,wewantyou toalsofollowthrough thesechangesby thinkingabout theirimplications.

Changingyourbehaviouranddoingthingsthatyoufinddifficultisimportant.But it is most effective if you stop and think about what you have doneafterwards.Let’slookmorecloselyatwhythisissocrucial.

HowtomakelastingchangesManypeoplewhoare sociallyanxiousgoondoing things that they fear, evenwhentheyfeelterrible.Theygotoplaceswheretheywillmeetnewpeople,oreatinotherpeople’shouses,orgotoworksocialevents.Buttheyfindthatdoingthethingsthattheyfearhasnolastingeffect.Theywanttorealizetheirpotentialand to be themselves.And they think, correctly, that not doing these things islikely to make them worse. But often their courage is not rewarded, as theproblempersistsdespiteit.

Whydoesthishappen?Onereasonisthatthecourageousaction,orchangeinbehaviour on its own, has no real meaning for you. It does not change yourexpectations and predictions about what might happen next time unless youwork on these too.You can always dismiss the occasional success as a lucky

break, or assume that other people rather than you were responsible for itssuccessfulaspects.

Faithfullyfollowallfourofthestepsdescribedbelowfordealingwithsafetybehavioursandavoidance.Thenthinkaboutthechangesyouaremakingasyougoalong.Thiswillhelpyougetlastingresults.Youwillbeabletotestoutyourpredictions as you go, and really notice and be aware of your changes.Eventuallythiswillgivenewmeaningtoyourinteractionswithotherpeople–andindeedtothetimeswhentheseinteractionsdonotgoaccordingtoplan.

Waysofdoingthingsdifferently:mini-experiments

Nospecialskillsareneededtochangeyourbehaviour.Itisnotasifyouhavetolearnawholenewlanguage.It’smorelikefindingawayofreleasingyoufromwhatholdsyoubacksothatyoucanbeyourselfandfeelmorecomfortablewiththat.

Thetwomainwaysofbehavingdifferentlyare:

1Givingupsafetybehaviours2Facingthingsratherthanavoidingthem.

Themainmethodthathelpsyoudecidehowtodothingsdifferentlyistocarryoutmini-experiments.Todo thisallyouneed tobeable todo is tobecuriousaboutwhathappenswhenyoudo thingsdifferently.Thereare fourmain stepsyouneedtofollowinaminiexperiment.Theyapplytobothsafetybehavioursandavoidance.Let’slookatthemnowintermsofchangingsafetybehaviours.

Changingsafetybehaviours

Aswe’veseenearlier,oneof thedifficultiesaboutsocialsituations is thatyoucannot control other people.At anymoment theymay do something that youfindthreatening, likeaskyouropinion,or introduceyoutothepersonyoufeelleast able to talk to, or move away while you are talking to them. Safetybehaviours are things that you do to protect yourself from such threats. WelookedatthemearlierinPartOne,Section7,page91.

TheproblemwithsafetybehavioursTherearethreemainproblemswithsafetybehaviours.

1Decreasingyourconfidence

Safetybehavioursdecreaseyourconfidencein thelongrunbecausetheyleaveyouwiththemessagethatyouneedprotection:thatyouwouldbeunsafewithoutit.

Forexample,Joe,whomwemetearlier,practisedasafetybehaviourofnotmakingeye contactwithpeoplehedidn’t knowwell.His social anxietymadehimtongue-tiedandhefeltthatifhelookedsomeoneintheeyethatmightmakethemaskhimaquestion. In thiswayhissafetybehaviourpreventedhimfrombehavinginamoresociallyconfidentway.

2Preventingyoufromlearning

Usingsafetybehavioursalsohastheeffectofsuggestingthattheyworked:thattheysucceededinpreventingthethreatoccurring,orthedisasterhappening.

SowhenJoelookedawaywhentalkingtootherpeopleheeffectivelymovedout of the conversation, leaving other people to take it up.No one seemed torealize how blank he felt as the conversation went on. It left him out of theconversationloopbutitdidn’tmakehimthefocusofasocialawkwardness,orprovoke an embarrassing silence. He felt safer but he was also preventinghimself from having any interactions thatmight have helped him change andgrow. Safety behaviours, like letting your hair fall in front of your face, orsmokingsoastohavesomethingtodowithyourhands,keeptheproblemgoingastheypreventyoulearningthatthedisastersyoufeararemoreimaginedthanreal.

3Makingthesituationworse

Safety behaviours can also make the situation worse, especially when theybecomenoticeable,oriftheyprovokeareactionfromothers.

Forexample,tryingnottodrawattentiontoyourselfbyspeakingquietlymaymeanthatsomeoneasksyoutorepeatwhatyouhavejustsaid.Youhavetosayit

again more loudly, with everyone listening. In the same way, saying nothingpersonalaboutyourself,sothatyoukeepthe‘realyou’hidden,canmakepeoplecuriousaboutyou–especiallyiftheywanttobefriendly–sotheystartaskingprobingquestions.

Whatareyoursafetybehaviours?Everyone invents theirownsafetybehaviours, soonlyyouknowexactlywhatyoudo.Somecommonexamplesinclude:

•Lookingdownsonoonecancatchyoureye

•Wearinglightclothingincaseyougethotandsweaty

•Leavingtheroomimmediatelythemeetingoreventisoversothatyoudonothavetogetinvolvedin‘smalltalk’

•Tryingtobeespeciallycarefulaboutwhatyousay,ortomakesurethatitmakessense

•Keepinganeyeonpossibleescaperouteswhenyoufeeluncomfortable,andarmingyourselfaheadoftimewithexcusesforgettingaway

•Tryingnottoattractunwantedattention.

Stepstowardsgivingupsafetybehaviours

There are four steps to go through, and all four together make up a mini-experiment.

1Becomeawareofwhatyoudotoprotectyourself2Identifyingwhatyoupredictwouldhappenifyoudidnotdoit.Thisspecifies

thedangerfromwhichthesafetybehaviourwouldprotectyou

3Findoutwhathappensifyougiveupthesafetybehaviour4Drawconclusionsfromwhatyouhavedone.

Let’snowlookateachofthesestepsinmoredetail.

Step1:IdentifyingwhatyoudoIn order to solve the problem of safety behaviours you need first to becomeawareof them.This isnotsoeasyas itmightseem.Someof themmaybesomuchofahabitthatyounolongernoticethem.Theremaybethingsthatonlyyouknowyou are doing, like rehearsing in advancewhat youwant to say, oronesthatotherscansee,likewearingthe‘right’sortsofclothes.Therearealsolikely tobe things that youdonotdo suchas talking aboutyourself andyourfeelings,ortellingastoryorajoke.

Thinkaboutarecentsituationthatyoufounddifficult.Nowaskyourselfwhatyoudidtoensurethatyoudidnotfeeltoovulnerableorexposed.Youmightalsofinditusefultothinkaboutwhatwouldhavemadethesituationworseforyou,likehaving to talkwithoutnotes,ornotbeingable tohaveadrinkbeforeyouwentout.Using‘props’isacommonwayofkeepingsafe.

Otherpeoplecouldalsoformpartofyoursafetybehaviours.Dosomepeopleprovidea‘reassuringpresence’foryou,sothatjusthavingthemaroundmakesyoufeelbetter?Doyouusethemaspartofyoursafetysystem?

Answerthesekeyquestionstohelpyouidentifyyoursafetybehaviours

1Whatdoyoudotopreventbadthingshappening?

2Howdoyouprotectyourselffromthesocialembarrassmentsthatyoufear?

3Ifyoufeelsuddenlyatrisk,whatisthefirstthingyoudo?

4Whatdoyoudotopreventotherpeoplenoticingyoursymptoms?

5Whatdoyoudotoensurethatyoudonotdoanythingwrong?

6Whatdoyoudotohideyourproblemortostopitshowing?

Now summarize your safety behaviours as a list in the space below.You cankeepaddingtothisasyouthinkofmoresafetybehaviours.

Mysafetybehaviours:

Step2:MakingapredictionStep2 involves thinkingaboutwhatwouldhappen ifyougaveupyour safetybehaviours, and stopped trying to protect yourself. Think about specific timesandeventswhenyouhavefeltbad.Pickaparticularonethatyoucanrememberclearly.Orstartbythinkingaboutsomethingthatmighthappenquitesoon,andaskyourselfwhatyoufearmighthappentoyou.

Therearemanyquestionsyoucouldaskyourselfatthisstage,forexample:

•Whatareyoupredictingwillhappen?

•Whatisitthatyoufearwillgowrongforyou?

•Whatwouldhappenifyoudidnotprotectyourself?

Butthemostimportantkeyquestiontoansweristhisone:

Whatistheworstthingthatcouldhappentoyou?

Makesurethatyouletyourself‘lookintotheabyss’andtrytoputintowordsthecatastrophethatyoupredictwillhappen.Writeitdowninthespaceopposite,tomakesurethatyouknowexactlywhatitis.

Sometimesyourworstfear,oninspection,soundsnottoobadwhenbroughtoutintotheopen.Sometimesitsoundssoextremethatyoucanimmediatelyseethatitisnotlikelytobecorrect–likethinkingthateveryonewillopenlypointatyou,orlaughatyou.

Otherpredictionshavemorerealitybehindthem.Louise,wholetherhairfallinfrontofherfacetohideherblushes,fearedthatpeoplewouldridiculeher–asindeedherschoolfriendsoncehad–iftheysawherhot,redfaceglowinglikeabeaconwhensomeonespoketoher.Bill,whokepttryingtotelljokesatwork,fearedthathewouldberejectedandbecometotallyisolatedifhedidnotjoininthegeneralbanter.

Myprediction:

Makingapredictiontestable

Nowthatyou’vegotyourworstnightmareoutintheopen,let’slookatwhatyouwrotemoreclosely.Thinkabouthowyou’vewordedyourprediction.Isitgoingtobetestableinareallifesituation?

Predictions about yourself are perhaps the easiest to test. For example youcouldtestthefollowingideaseasily:

•‘I’llshake,andspillmydrink.’

•‘Myanxietywillgetoutofcontrol.’

Predictions about other people need to be specific if they are going to be

testable.Youmightpredictthatotherpeoplewillstareatyou,orthattheywillignoreyou.Thesepredictionsabouthowotherpeoplewillbehavecanbetested.Butnoexperimentsarelikelytorevealexactlywhatotherpeoplethinkofyou.Predictionsaboutotherpeople’sthoughtsandattitudesareveryhardtotest.

In order to test a prediction about being rejected and becoming totallyisolated,forexample,youwouldfirsthavetoworkouthowyouwouldknowifthiswashappening.Youwouldhavetodecideonthesignsthatwouldtellyouyouwerebeingrejected.Andyou’dhavetobesurethatyouwerenotusingveryvagueandgeneralbehaviour,likesomeoneturningawayfromyou,oryawning,as signs of rejection. These things could happen formany other reasons. Thepersonmight have suddenly heard their name called or be tired, for example.Thesignsleavetoomuchroomforyoutogiveyourownpersonalandanxiety-drivenmeaningtothem.

Inthiscaseitwouldbebettertotestthespecificpredictionthatyouwillfeelrejected,or thatotherpeoplewillnotstartconversationswithyou,or that theywillnotrespondtoyourcomments,lookyouintheeye,oraskyoutojointhemandsoon.

Whenpeoplepredictotherpeople’sreactionstothem,forexamplepredictingthat they will not take them seriously, it is especially difficult to make theprediction testable.Howwouldyouknowwhether people tookyou seriously?Howwould anyone know?You could decidewhat would count asnot beingtakenseriously,anddefinespecificcriteriaforthat,likeneverlisteningtowhatyou say, or always ignoring your opinion. But definitions that use ‘extremist’words,like‘never’and‘always’areonlyrarelylikelytobetrue(seepage68).

Thepointhereisthatsometimestheattempttolookforspecificpredictionsitself reveals that theprediction is sogeneral –or soover-general – that it ismost unlikely to be correct. It will be most helpful if you make specificpredictions that seem realistic to you. Then testing them out will tell yousomethingyoudidnotalreadyknow.

Withthisinmind,tryrewritingyourpredictionsothatitreallyistestable.

Step3:FindoutwhathappensifyougiveupusingyoursafetybehavioursThis is the point at which you have to think about how to change yourbehaviour:aboutthekindofmini-experimentyouwillcarryout.

Thinkfirstofasituationinwhichyouwouldlikethingstobedifferent,suchasusingthetelephonewhenotherpeoplearelistening,orstartingaconversationwithsomeone.Writeitdownhere.

Now think aboutwhat youwill do differently.Be quite specific about it.Youshouldchooseoneofthesafetybehavioursonyourlistandcreateanexperimentforyourself,totestoutwhathappensifyougointothissituation‘unprotected’.Herearesomeexperimentsyoucouldtry:

•Lookpeopleintheeyewhenyoutalktotheminsteadofavoidingeyecontact

•Saywhatyouthinkinsteadofjustagreeingwiththem

•Relaxyourgriponthetelephoneorthepencilorthecoffeemuginsteadoftensingyourselfupinanefforttocontroltheshaking.

Louise,whotriedtohideherblushes,carriedout theexperimentoftyingbackherhairandholdingherheadupstraight, in fullviewofeveryonearoundher.Bill,whokepttryingtotelljokes,triedkeepingquietuntilhehadsomethingtosayinstead.

Theaimis tofindout if thedangeryoufear is real. Inorder todothisyouneedtodropyourarmourandseeifthedisasteryoufearcomestopass.

Writedownwhatyouwilldodifferentlyhere.

Takingactionisthehardeststep,andtheonethatfeelsmostriskyatfirst.Butitisworthdoingbecause it starts theprocessof buildingupyour confidence. Ifyoufeelanxiousthefirsttimeyoudosomethingdifferently,tryagainandseeifbydegreesyouranxietystartstodiedown.

Areminder: there isnofixed, rigidandrightwayofdoing thingssocially;there are many ways. Your way, once you have learned to relax and to beyourself,willbejustasgoodasthenextperson’s.

Tryingtokeepyourselfsafetendstomakeyoumoretenseandinflexiblethanyouotherwisewouldbe.Even though it feelsalarmingat first,givingupyoursafetybehaviours,onceyouhavegotusedtodoingwithoutthem,allowsyoutoadapt as the situation unfolds, and frees you up to interact in new and morenaturalways.

Step4:EvaluatewhathappensThinkaboutwhatactuallyhappenedwhenyoubehaveddifferently.Makesurethatyouarestickingwith thefactsandnot jumpingtoconclusionsaboutwhatother people thought, or assuming that because you felt anxious you didsomethingstupidorrevealedyourbasicweaknesses.

Ask yourself:Did the prediction come true?Were you right?Orwere youmisledbyyouranxiety?Wereyouseeingthingsinanalarminglightbecauseofyourfearratherthanthefacts?Areyousurethatyourobservationsfitwiththefacts rather than with they way you felt about the facts? Write down whathappenedhere.

Onpage97youwill find aworksheet for recordingyourmini experiments inchangingyoursafetybehaviours.Thereareextrablankcopiesatthebackofthebook.Wehavecompletedaworksheetonpage96asaguidetohelpyoufillinyours.Ittakesasurprisingamountofpracticetoevaluateyourminiexperimentsaccuratelyandwell.Completingtheworksheetwillhelpyoutomakethemostoftheexperimentsthatyoudo.

Whatiftheworstthinghappens?Dropping safety behaviours will feel risky. It will take courage, because italwaysseemspossiblethatthethingyoufearmostwillreallyhappen.Therearetwoanswerstothisproblem.

1Thethingthatyoumostfearveryrarelydoeshappen.Indeed, what you fear is more likely to happen if you keep using the safetybehaviour thanifyougiveitup.Forexample,Louise,whokept tryingtohideherblusheswasactuallydrawingattentiontoherselfwhenshetriedtohide.Sheattractedtheattentionshewastryingtoavoid,andthismadehermorelikelytoblush.Whenshestoppedtryingtohide,andlettheblushescomeandgoastheypleased, she realized that other people took their cue fromher. They too paidlittle attention to the blushes, and continued to interactwith her in a perfectlynormalway.

AndBill,who stopped trying to tell jokes and keep up the banterwith hiscolleaguesatwork,quicklyrealizedthatthetenseandnervousjokesheusuallycontributedhadmostly fallen flat.Theyweremore likely to invite the ridiculethathefearedthanallowinghimselftobethequietpersonthathereallywas.2Ifthethingthatyoufearhappens,itmaynotactuallybea

disasterImagine you have kept yourself safe by never letting anyone knowwhat youfeel, and by not saying what you really think. Then you decide to take yourcourage in both hands, and to disclose something important about yourself tosomeoneyourespect.Theresultistheyseemtodismissyouandyourfeelings,ortheyseemboredanduninterested.Askyourself:

•Howwouldyouknowwhattheythought?

•Andwhattheyfelt?

•Orwhattheirreactionsmeant?

•Couldtheyhavemisunderstoodwhatyousaid?

•Orweretheybeinginsensitivebecausetheydidnotrealizehowimportantitwasforyou?

Thefactisthatoftenotherpeopledonotrespondinthewaysthatyouhopetheywill, but there aremany reasons for this. Socially anxious people tend to takesuch happenings personally, and to mind read. Remember, other people’sunhelpfulorinsensitivereactionsdonotmakeyoulessacceptableasaperson,ormakeyourfeelingslessimportantandmeaningful.

Facingthefearsbystoppingavoidingthings

Avoidanceisnotdoingsomethingbecauseitmakesyoufearfuloranxious.Wefirst lookedatavoidanceinPartOne,Section2,page14. It isoneof themoreextremeversionsofkeepingsafe.Therearemanykindsofavoidance,andsomeof them are easier to recognize than others. Examples of obvious types ofavoidanceinclude:

•Notgoingtoplaceswhereyouknowyouwillmeetpeople

•Notusingthetelephone

•Noteatinginpublicoraskingquestions

•Notspeakingtostrangers

•Notaskingsomeoneoutforadate

•Refusinginvitations.

Andtherearemanyothers.Moresubtletypesofavoidancearesofamiliar,andsomuchpartandparcel

ofthewaypeoplebehavewhentheyaresociallyanxious,thatoftentheyarenoteven aware of doing them. They include not starting conversations or not

initiatingcontactwithpeople;notacceptingachallenge;orneverdoing thingsonyourown.

Somepeoplebecomeverygoodatskimmingthesurfaceofsocialsituations,andmightmakeahabitofarrivingatthemlateandleavingearly.Atapartyyoucouldstillsubtlyavoidtalkingtopeoplebyhelpingwiththefoodanddrink,orwith the clearing up, and find a way of only half paying attention to otherpeople.

Bob,whohad severe social phobia, described this asbeing ‘both there andnotthere’,andforhimithappenedwheneverhewaswithagroupofpeoplewhoweretalkingamongthemselves.Hewantedtobepartoftheconversation,andtofeel that he belonged to the group and was accepted by them. But he stilldisengagedhimself,andfeltdetachedformuchofthetime.Perhapsyouknowwhathemeant.

ExperimentsforfacingthingsratherthanavoidingthemThesamefourstepsweusedforgivingupsafetybehaviourscanalsobeusedtoplanhowtofaceratherthanavoidthethingsthatyoufinddifficult:

1Identifywhatyouavoid.2Makeaprediction.Linkyouravoidancewithwhatyouthinkwouldhappenif

youstoppedavoiding.

3Dosomethingdifferently:inthiscase,facethefearratherthanavoidit.4Evaluatewhathappens.Thinkaboutwhathappened,asobjectivelyasyou

can.Thenworkoutwhetheryourthoughtsaboutwhatmighthappenwereright.

Step1:IdentifywhatyouavoidThe first step sounds relatively easy, and often it is. However, when thinkingaboutpreciselywhatyouavoid,rememberthatyouareprobablytheonlypersonwhoknowsexactlywhatthatis,andhowyoumanagetoavoidit.Trytonoticewhenyoufeellikeavoidingsomething,andwhenyougetthatsenseofwantingto withdraw or hide yourself away that leads to avoidance. A good test ofwhetheryouareavoidingsomethingornotistoask:‘IfIwereconfident,wouldIdoit?’

Writedownheresomeofthethingsyouavoid.

Step2:PredictwhatwouldhappenThe second step involves asking yourself what you predict, or expect mighthappen if you did the thing you are avoiding. In this way you’ll be able toidentifyhowthewayyouthinklinksupwithyouravoidance.

Whatisyourworstfear?Doyouhaveanymemoriesorimagesaboutsimilarsituations that explain why they seem to you to be so alarming? The keyquestionsforidentifyingthoughtsmaybeusefulhere;seeSection3,page47.

Writedownyourpredictionorfearhere.

Step3:FaceyourfearThe third step, facing the fear rather than avoiding it, is always the hardest.Often it helps to build your confidence up by doing easier things before youmoveontoharderones.

Youcouldstartbygreetingpeoplewhenyoumeetthemandbuilduptofull-lengthconversations.Oryoucouldstartbylisteningtoothersandwatchingwhattheydo, andbuildup to asking someoneout for adate.Oryoucould involve

yourself in helpful activities in your local neighbourhood, or join an eveningclass, as a step on the way to makingmore personal relationships and betterfriendships.Youraimshouldbetobeabletodothethingthatyouareavoiding.

Writedownherewaysinwhichyoucouldfaceyourfear.

Step4:AssessingwhathappenedThefourthstephastwoparts:

1Observingwhatactuallyhappened2Workingouthowthisfitswithwhatyouoriginallythought.

Itisonlytooeasytodismissortodiscountthethingsthathappenasaresultofcarryingoutexperiments,especiallyifnothinginparticulargoeswrong.Ifyoumanaged to do somethingnew for you, likemake an appointment to get yourhaircut,thenitiseasytothinkofthisasthekindofnormalactivitythatshouldpresentyouwithnoparticularproblems.

This iswhyit isso important to identifyyourpredictionsaboutwhatmighthappenbeforeyougoaheadanddosomethingthatyoumightnototherwisedo.Doingitthiswayallowsyoutofindoutwhetheryourpredictionsareconfirmedornot.

Forexample,youmightexpecttofeelembarrassedandhumiliatedbyhavingtowatch yourself in themirrorwhile having your hair cut, or predict that theperson cutting your hair will make a personal remark about you, or ask youpersonalquestions.Ifyouknowexactlywhatyouexpecttohappen,youcanfindoutwhetheryourexpectationsareconfirmedorwerewrong.

Inthisway,doingthingsdifferentlycanhelptochangethewayyouthinkaswell as to change what you do. Next time your expectations and predictions,basedonyournewfindings,shouldbedifferent.

Writedownherewhatactuallyhappenedinyourfirstexperiment.Howdoesitcomparewithyourprediction?

Keepingrecordsofyourexperiments

Keepawrittenrecordoftherisksthatyoutake,andofwhathappensatthetime,usingtheworksheetonpage102.Thereareextracopiesatthebackofthebook.Ifyoudon’tdothisyouwillnotknowhowyouaregettingon.It issurprisinghoweasyit is toforget,especiallywhenasuccessforyou(forexample,usingthetelephonewhenpeoplecanhearwhatyousay)mayverynormalforsomeoneelse.Awritten recordallowsyou to see clearlywhatyouare changing, and ithelpsyouplanwhattodonext.

Otherkindsofexperiment

Usingexperimentstoguideyouwhenyoudecidetodosomethingdifferentlyisawayofmakingthemostofeverythingthatyoudo.Ithelpstoensurethatthechanges in how you think, feel and act fit together.When this happens yourconfidencewillgrowmorequickly.Forthisreasonitisworthbeingascreativeand imaginative as you can when thinking up experiments to change yourbehaviour.

Wehavefocusedhereonhowtochangesafetybehavioursandhowtofacethings instead of avoiding them, but there are also other kinds of experimentsyoucoulddo.Forexample,youcouldgotosomeplacesasanobserver,insteadofaparticipant,andnoticewhatotherpeopledo,andwhetheranyofthemshowsignsofbeinganxiousorshy.

Oryou could experimentwith the elementsof social interaction, the things

thatkeepsocialcommunicationgoing.Theseinclude:

•Listeningtootherpeople

•Lookingatthem

•Workingoutwhattheyfeelaboutwhattheyaresaying

•Askingquestionswhenyouwanttofindoutaboutothers

•Sayingwhatyouthink

•Expressingyourfeelings.

These all help people to join in with others, and give them a better sense ofbelongingratherthanfeelinglikeanoutsider.Experimentwithdoingthemmoreandwithdoingthemlessthanusual,tofindoutwhateffectthishas.

Another experiment that can be useful is intentionally to make yoursymptoms worse. This is particularly helpful for people who fear that their

symptomswillbenoticed–andthinkthatitmatterswhentheyare.Soyoucouldmake yourself shake visibly, or stumble over your words when sayingsomething, or repeat yourself on purpose, and then observe what happens.Identify your prediction first: the catastrophe that you fear. Then use yourobservationtofindoutwhetheryourpredictionwasright.

This is very hard to do for people who believe that there is a right – andtherefore a wrong – way of doing things, and that their way is bound to bewrong.Butforthem,theexperimentisalsoespeciallyhelpful.

Shouldyoubetryingtolearnhowtodothingsright?

Inawayshynessandsocialanxietyareallaboutwhatyoudo:aboutwhatyoufearyoumightdo,ormightnotdo.Thefear is thatyouwillact inaway thatwill be humiliating or embarrassing, or do something that reveals yoursymptomsofanxiety.Youthinkyouwillbehaveinawaythatisunacceptable,ordosomethingwrong–knocksomethingover,orblurtoutsomethingpersonalataninappropriatemoment.

Thefearofshowingyourselfupby thewayyouactpreventsyoubehavingnaturally (and unselfconsciously).But focusing on changing behaviours is notaboutlearninghowto‘dothingsright’.Norisitaboutlearninghowtobehavesothat ‘bad’ things do not happen to you. Nothing you can do will guaranteeprotectionfromtheoccasionalrejection,ormomentwhenyoufeelembarrassedandpainfullyconspicuous.

Everyonehastimeswhentheycannotthinkofanythingofanyinteresttosayto anyone; when they are undeniably boring. Social awkwardnesses willcontinuetoplagueusall,butthemeaningofthemcanchange.

•Socialproblemscancometofeellessdangerousandthreatening

•Theycanstopholdingyoubackfrombeingyourself

•Theycanhavelessdevastatingimplicationsforyoursenseofadequacyoracceptability.

They will become more like making a trivial mistake such as leaving yourumbrellabehindorrunningoutoftoothpaste.

WhyexperimentsworkChangingbehaviourshasapowerfuleffectpartlybecauseitallowsyoutodothethings that youwant to do, and also because it can help to changemeanings.Carryingoutexperimentssuchastheoneswe’velookedatinthissectionallowsyou to re-evaluate social threats and dangers so that they come to have adifferentmeaningforyou.Theymakeitpossibletofindoutwhetheryourmoreanxious predictions and expectations, for example about how you mightembarrassorhumiliateyourself,arecorrect.

Changingwhatyoudoisanotherwayoffindingoutwhethertakinganotherviewpoint, or adopting another standpoint, helps you to feel more confidentwhen interacting with others. So changing your behaviour also helps you torealizeyourpotentialandtobeyourself.

Socialconventions

Somepeople think that inorder togetbetter they should learnhow tobehavecorrectly,asiftherewerearightwayofdoingthings.Therearesomesituationsinwhichtheconventionalwaysofdoingthingsareratherlikerules,andthenitcancertainlyfeelmorecomfortabletoknowwhattherulesare.Forexample,it’susefultoknowhowto:

•Orderamealatarestaurant

•Makeanappointmenttoseethedoctor

•Dowhatisexpectedofyouasamemberofasportscluborchurchoreveningclassorcommittee.

Learningtherulesinsuchsituationsisabitlikelearninga‘script’–thescriptisuseful because it tells you how to behave. But remember, rule books are notwrittenwith flexibility inmind. Sometimes it is not possible to use the usualscript even though you would like to, for example when someone starts apersonal conversation with you at work, or if you meet your doctor in thesupermarket.

Rules and scripts are helpful, but they can also be limiting. Let’s look atJenny’sstorytogetabetterunderstandingoftheproblem.

CASESTUDY:JennyJennywasanefficientandbusyhotelreceptionist.Althoughshehadsufferedfromsocialanxietymostofherlife,shehadverylittledifficultycarryingoutherjob.Shehadbeenwelltrained,andhad been told exactly how to handle the various types of problems that arose in her work,includingdealingwithcomplaintsandrudenessfromguests.Shehadbeenabletorehearseandpractisealltheskillsthatsheneededonthejob,andapplyingtheseskillswasmerelyamatteroffollowingtherules.Therewasnothingpersonalaboutit.Indeed,shecoulddothejobregardlessof howshewas feelingat the time, as it hadbecome rather like switching intoautomatic, andputtingonherprofessionalmask.

But although Jenny knew her ‘script’ well, without it she felt, literally, ‘unmasked’. In morepersonalsituations,whentherewerenorulestoguideher,shefeltatseaandatrisk.Shewasdeeplyembarrassedbynotbeingabletothinkwhat tosaytoacolleaguewhomshemetwhenoutforawalkattheweekend.Herfirstattemptstoovercometheprobleminvolvedlookingfortherulesofthegame:huntingfora‘script’thatwouldhelpherout.Butshe’dneverbeentrainedforthistypeofsituation.Shedidn’thaveanyrulestofallbackon.Intheendshemutteredanexcuseabouthavingtogethomeandleftasfastasshecould.Whenshegothomeshefeltdisappointedandangrywithherselffornotbeingabletodosomethingsoordinary.

Jenny’s story shows us that more personal, and especially more intimate,relationships develop their own conventions. This means that you may notalwaysknowexactlywhattodoaheadoftime.Insteadyouhavetolearntodowhat feels right, and to respond flexibly to the demands of the situation as itdevelops without being selfconscious. This is much easier if you can focuscomfortablyonotherpeople,asyoulearnedtodoinSection2,pages33-38.

This sectionwill help you to develop the confidence to adapt theway youbehave to the situation that you find yourself in.The emphasis is on thinkingabouthowtorealizeyourpotentialratherthanlookingforrulesorconventions.Intheirownwaythesecanlimityourabilitytoexpressyourselfinthewaythatfeelsrighttoyou.

You don’t need any special skills to be able to do this. It comes withoutteaching, and ismore amatter of feeling able to be yourself, and finding thewaysofdoingso thatworkforyourather thanagainstyou.Beingable topayattentiontoothersandtorespondtotheirpartintheinteractionalsohelpsyoutodeveloptheflexibilitytolearnasyougo.Therearesomespecialskillsthatitcanbehelpful to learnsuchasassertivenessandrelaxation techniques.We lookatthese inPartThree.Youalreadyhaveall theskills thatyouneedforusing theideas in thissection,althoughit iscertainlypossible thatwhenyouarefeelinganxiousitmaybehardertousethem.

Takingrisksandmakingmistakes

Changingbehavioursinvolvestakingrisks.Oneofthethingsthatholdspeoplebackisthefearofmakingmistakes.Thiswillseemmoreriskyifyouthinkthatmistakesmatter:ifyouthinkthatthemistakesyoumakewillmakeothersthinkbadlyofyou,ordrawattentiontoyou(howevertemporarily).

But everyone makes mistakes, most of which are invisible to anyone butthemselves.Andmostmistakeshavenomoresignificancethantrippingoverakerbstone.Mostof themturnout tobeuseful, too,asyoucanlearnsomethingfromthem,liketolookwhereyouaregoingmorecarefully.

Doing experiments such as the oneswe’ve described herewill help you tobreaktheviciouscyclesthatotherwisekeeptheproblemgoing.Theywillhelpyoutodomoreofthethingsthatyouwouldliketodo,andhelpyoutofeelmorecomfortable about doing them. They work by providing a new source ofinformation. This helps you to think again about these mistakes, or ways inwhichyousupposethatyourbehaviourmighthavebeenwrong.

Somegeneralpointsaboutdoingthingsdifferently

KeepgoingWhenitcomestochangingbehaviour,somepeoplegiveupbecausetheydonotthink that they have made any progress. This can happen even though theirfriendsandfamilycanseeachange.

Take care not to underrate your achievements. Watch out for upsettingthoughts about your progress. Progress may seem slow at first but it willgraduallybecomemore substantial andmorenoticeable toyou. If itwaseasy,youwouldhavedoneitbefore.

Youmight also find itmuch easier to remember the things thatwent badlythan those that went well, or those that just felt normal. Perhaps the difficulttimes seem more important, as well as more distressing, than the easy ones,whichthengetforgotten.

Remember to keep awritten record ofwhat you are doing so that you canlook back and check how far you’ve come. You’re bound to be pleasantlysurprisedattheimprovementovertime.

AcknowledgeyourachievementsIfyoulearnhowtopraiseyourselfforyoursuccesses,yourconfidencewillgrowfaster.Eachtimeyouachievesomethingitisasuccess.Smallsuccessesturnintolarger successes. Give yourself credit for all of them.Make a habit of givingyourselfamentalpatontheback,andseeifyoucangetsomeoneelsetonoticeyourachievements.Ifyouhaveacolleague,friendorrelativewhoknowsaboutyourdifficulties,maybeyoucouldtellthem,aswellaswritingitalldowninthisworkbook.

Most people underrate their achievements to startwith. This is particularlylikely tohappen if the risksyoudecide to take involvedoing things thatmostpeopleseemtofindeasy,likeorderingameal,orsayingnowhensomeoneasksyoutodosomething.

Here are some examples of how people downgrade their successes. Beloweachoftheseupsettingthoughtsyouwillfindanexampleofthesortofanswerthatmightbemorehelpful.

Thought:‘Yes,butanyonecoulddothat.’Answer:‘Notiftheyfeltasanxiousasyou.’

Thought:‘Ishouldhavedoneitbetter.’Answer:‘Iwill, intime.NowIwilldowhatIcan.Noonecoulddomorethanthat.’

Thought:‘Nooneelsewouldthinkthatwasimportant.’Answer:‘Maybenot.ButIknowhowimportantitistome.’

Upsetting thoughts, as already mentioned, affect both your feelings and yourbehaviour.Makesureyouknowhowtodealwiththem.Encouragementworksfarbetterthancriticismbecauseitmakesyoufeelbetterandhelpsyoutokeeptrying.

Encourageyourselfasyouwouldencourageanyonewhowaslearninghowto

do something new. Try not to criticize or undermine yourself. If doing newthingsmakesyoumoreanxious,thenrememberthatthiskindofanxietyislikelytobetemporary.Thegainsyoumakewilllastifyoukeepondoingthem.

DealingwithsetbacksEveryone has ‘ups and downs’, andwhat you did successfully yesterdaymayseemimpossibletoday.Itisimportanttorealizethatsetbacksareanormalpartofprogressandthatyouneednotbediscouragedbythem.

•Ifatanystageyouseemtobestuck,oreventohaveslidbackwards,itcouldbebecauseyouaretryingtorunbeforeyoucanwalk.Recognizethatyoumayhavetotakethingsslowly,andthatbreakingoldpatternsofthinkingandofbehavingtakestime.Sometimesyouwillfindtheoldwaysofkeepingyourselfsafere-emerge,butwhatcanchangeoncecandosoagain.Evenasmallchangemeansthatyouarenotstuckwiththeproblem,butneedtokeepworkingonit.

•Watchoutforfeelingdiscouraged,anduseyournewthinkingskillstokeepthesetbackinperspective.Everyoneshouldexpectafewsetbacks,sowhentheyhappentoyoutrytotaketheminyourstride,anddonotlettheminterferewithyourplans.Ifyoudonotgiveupyouwillovercometheproblemintheend.

•Setbacksareoftenmoreapparentthanreal.Youmayhaveabaddaybecauseyouweretiredornotverywell.Itisnotthatyouhavegotworse,butratherthatbeingtiredorunwellmakeseverythingyoudoabitharder.

•Otherpeoplemayunexpectedlyplungeyouintoasituationthatyouwerenotyetreadyfor.Forinstancetheymightsuggestthatyoucomewiththemtoadisco,oraskyoutoexplainwhyyoudisagreedwithadecisionmadeatwork.Rememberthatotherpeoplearefarlessawareofyouranxietythanyouare.Theymaynotevennoticeitatall.

Trynottoletabadpatchspread.Ifyouneedtimetotakestock,tomusteryourstrength and your energy, then take that time before you continuemaking thechangesthatyoufindmostdifficult.

Adoptingan‘everready’attitudeIf keeping yourself safe keeps the problem going, then taking risks helps toovercome it. So take every opportunity that arises and, for instance, go to thepubortalktosomeoneinabusqueueifyouhaveanunexpectedchancetodoso. You will find that you will improve faster and that ordinary everydayactivities become less of a strain.Youwill no longer react to them as if theywerereallydangerousorfrightening.

Trytostopkeepingyourselfsafeevenwhendoingeverydaytasks.Insteadofbuying what you want without a word, deliberately talk to shop assistants orcashiers.Lookatordinaryactivitiestoseeifyoucanfindawayofturningthemintousefulwaysofmakingprogress.

Makealisthereofsomesmall,everydaythingsyoucoulddotoincreaseyourlevelofinteractionwithotherpeople.

Whatiftakingrisks,anddoingthingsdifferently,makesmeveryanxious?

Youwillnotbeabletoovercometheproblemwithoutexperiencingsomedegreeof anxiety, but the more confident you become the faster this will diminish.Thinkofhandlingyouranxietydifferentlyatdifferent times:before,duringoraftertakingtheriskofdoingsomethingdifferently.

BeforehandOnceyouhavedecidedtogoaheadanddosomethingdifficultitissensiblenottokeepdwellingonit.Itisnotwisetogivefreereintoyourimaginationwhenthoughtsor imagesofpotential disasters come tomind.Thesewill onlymake

youfeelworse.Itismorehelpfultostickwithyourdecisiontoact,andthentodistract yourself in anywayyou can to stop yourselfworrying about it.Keepyourselfasbusyandoccupiedaspossible.Re-readSection2,page33formoreideasabouthowtodothis.

AftertheeventTry to stop yourself going in for a ‘post mortem’. Looking back at whathappenedfromthepointofviewofsomeonewithsocialphobia, it isonly tooeasytointerpreteverythingthathappenedintermsofyourownsenseoffailure,inadequacyordistress.Postmortemsofthiskindareasunlikelytobeaccurateasexaggerated‘fishy’storiesaboutthesizeoftheonethatgotaway.

AtthetimeThekeytocopingwithyourfeelingsatthetimeistopaylessattentiontothem.Focusmoreonwhatishappeningaroundyouandlessonyourinternalthoughts,feelings and self appraisals. Re-reading Section 2 may be helpful if you arefindingthisdifficult.

ExtraChartsandWorksheets

Thetwo-wayexperimentworksheet

Step1.Focusonyourselfforthreetofiveminutes.(a)Noticeeverythingthatisgoingoninsideyou.Forexample,noticeallthesensations

thatyoucanfeel;howcoldorhotyouare;whetheryouarehungry,ortired,orfullofachesandpains.Noticehowyourclothesfeelonyourbody.Noticeyourfeelings,andanythoughts,images,impressionsormemoriesthatcometomind.

(b)Answertheassessmentquestions(writeyouranswersdown):

1.Howdidyoufeelwhenfocusingonyourself

2.Whatdidyounotice?Writedownasmuchasyoucanhere.

Step2.Focusonthingsoutsideyourselfforthreetofiveminutes.(a)Noticeotherpeople:howtheylook,whattheyarewearing,whattheymightbefeeling

orthinkingabout.

(b)Answerthetwoassessmentquestions(writeyouranswersdown):

1.Howdidyoufeelwhenfocusingoutsideyourself

2.Whatdidyounotice?Writedownasmuchasyoucanhere.

Step3.Comparethetwo.Whatwasdifferent?

Whatwasthesame?

Step4.Summarizeyourconclusions:SelffocusOtherfocusWhichmadeyoufeelbetter?Whichgaveyoumoreoftheinformationthathelpsyoualongsocially?Wasfocusingonotherpeopledifficulttoachieve?Howdidyoudoit?Doyouneedmorepracticetoachievethedesiredeffect?

Thetwo-wayexperimentworksheet

Step1.Focusonyourselfforthreetofiveminutes.(a)Noticeeverythingthatisgoingoninsideyou.Forexample,noticeallthesensations

thatyoucanfeel;howcoldorhotyouare;whetheryouarehungry,ortired,orfullofachesandpains.Noticehowyourclothesfeelonyourbody.Noticeyourfeelings,andanythoughts,images,impressionsormemoriesthatcometomind.

(b)Answertheassessmentquestions(writeyouranswersdown):

1.Howdidyoufeelwhenfocusingonyourself

2.Whatdidyounotice?Writedownasmuchasyoucanhere.

Step2.Focusonthingsoutsideyourselfforthreetofiveminutes.(a)Noticeotherpeople:howtheylook,whattheyarewearing,whattheymightbefeeling

orthinkingabout.

(b)Answerthetwoassessmentquestions(writeyouranswersdown):

1.Howdidyoufeelwhenfocusingoutsideyourself

2.Whatdidyounotice?Writedownasmuchasyoucanhere.

Step3.Comparethetwo.Whatwasdifferent?

Whatwasthesame?

Step4.Summarizeyourconclusions:SelffocusOtherfocusWhichmadeyoufeelbetter?Whichgaveyoumoreoftheinformationthathelpsyoualongsocially?Wasfocusingonotherpeopledifficulttoachieve?Howdidyoudoit?Doyouneedmorepracticetoachievethedesiredeffect?

Thetwo-wayexperimentworksheet

Step1.Focusonyourselfforthreetofiveminutes.(a)Noticeeverythingthatisgoingoninsideyou.Forexample,noticeallthesensations

thatyoucanfeel;howcoldorhotyouare;whetheryouarehungry,ortired,orfullofachesandpains.Noticehowyourclothesfeelonyourbody.Noticeyourfeelings,andanythoughts,images,impressionsormemoriesthatcometomind.

(b)Answertheassessmentquestions(writeyouranswersdown):

1.Howdidyoufeelwhenfocusingonyourself

2.Whatdidyounotice?Writedownasmuchasyoucanhere.

Step2.Focusonthingsoutsideyourselfforthreetofiveminutes.(a)Noticeotherpeople:howtheylook,whattheyarewearing,whattheymightbefeeling

orthinkingabout.

(b)Answerthetwoassessmentquestions(writeyouranswersdown):

1.Howdidyoufeelwhenfocusingoutsideyourself

2.Whatdidyounotice?Writedownasmuchasyoucanhere.

Step3.Comparethetwo.Whatwasdifferent?

Whatwasthesame?

Step4.Summarizeyourconclusions:SelffocusOtherfocusWhichmadeyoufeelbetter?Whichgaveyoumoreoftheinformationthathelpsyoualongsocially?Wasfocusingonotherpeopledifficulttoachieve?Howdidyoudoit?Doyouneedmorepracticetoachievethedesiredeffect?

Thetwo-wayexperimentworksheet

Step1.Focusonyourselfforthreetofiveminutes.(a)Noticeeverythingthatisgoingoninsideyou.Forexample,noticeallthesensations

thatyoucanfeel;howcoldorhotyouare;whetheryouarehungry,ortired,orfullofachesandpains.Noticehowyourclothesfeelonyourbody.Noticeyourfeelings,andanythoughts,images,impressionsormemoriesthatcometomind.

(b)Answertheassessmentquestions(writeyouranswersdown):

1.Howdidyoufeelwhenfocusingonyourself

2.Whatdidyounotice?Writedownasmuchasyoucanhere.

Step2.Focusonthingsoutsideyourselfforthreetofiveminutes.(a)Noticeotherpeople:howtheylook,whattheyarewearing,whattheymightbefeeling

orthinkingabout.

(b)Answerthetwoassessmentquestions(writeyouranswersdown):

1.Howdidyoufeelwhenfocusingoutsideyourself

2.Whatdidyounotice?Writedownasmuchasyoucanhere.

Step3.Comparethetwo.Whatwasdifferent?

Whatwasthesame?

Step4.Summarizeyourconclusions:SelffocusOtherfocusWhichmadeyoufeelbetter?Whichgaveyoumoreoftheinformationthathelpsyoualongsocially?Wasfocusingonotherpeopledifficulttoachieve?Howdidyoudoit?Doyouneedmorepracticetoachievethedesiredeffect?