Chapter18

Meet the AuthorMorgan Rose, MS Morgan Rose is a mental health professional who specializes in women’s issues. Her book, On Becoming NaughtABimbeaux—The Smart Woman’s Guide to Finding Her Prince Without Ever Kissing Another Frog reveals the psychology of dating, relationships, and intimacy.

Get your copy of Morgan’s book at

Connect with Morgan atfacebook.com/naughtabimbeaux

twitter.com/naughtabimbeaux

naughtabimbeaux.com

18Mr. Right vs. Mr. Always RightThe Joy of Narcissism, aka ‘King Me’

He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow. —George Eliot

Women know how to fake orgasm. Men know how to fake an entire relationship. —Sharon Stone

You’re so vain. You probably think this song is about you. —Carly Simon

Narcissist Person with excessive pride or obsession with one’s own appearance, qualities, achievements; inordinate fascination with self, excessive self-love; feels entitled; vain.

Sociopath Person without a sense of moral or social conscience; disregard for the effects of behavior on others; willing to lie, steal, violate, betray, con, or charm others to achieve personal goals; loves things, uses people.

Our Terms

Control The act of exercising power over oneself or others; to dominate, regulate or command.

Exploit To take advantage of; to use selfishly for one’s own ends; to manipulate another person for one’s own advantage.

Intimacy A state of close, personal, affectionate, respectful relationship; arising from familiar experience, security and connection; pertaining to the innermost private or essential nature.

CindyCindy had passed her state’s real estate license exam and was hired by a firm known for its friendly sales force. She’d been working there about a week when one of the married realtors, Melinda, mentioned she had a new client, a new man in town, who was handsome, wealthy, and single. Steve had noticed Cindy’s photo in the Realtor’s Gallery, and commented to Melinda how beautiful she was, and then asked if she was available. Melinda called Cindy on her cell and asked if it would be OK if she gave Steve her number. Cindy’s heart fluttered a bit as she told Melinda, Sure.

The very next evening, Steve called and within minutes asked her to dinner on Friday night. With a full life building her new business, working out, and socializing with her friends, Cindy responded, I’d love to. I’ll run get my calendar to double-check; be back in a second. In less than a minute our

ingénue had checked her calendar and confirmed with Steve that Friday night would be perfect. Since he was new in town, he asked if she had a favorite restaurant. Cindy suggested a lovely European Café near her office. Fine, I’ll meet you there at 7:00.

The week was busy with showing property to new clients, but hidden under her calm demeanor Cindy sensed the hopeful thrill of anticipation. She arrived at the small cafe, fashionably late at ten minutes passed seven. Surely, Steve would have arrived by now, eagerly waiting to finally meet her. Her tummy tightened underneath her new dress as she scanned the small room and saw only couples. The Maître D seated her facing the door. Cindy innocently waited for this man for over an hour; this man who had decided—firmly decided one week before, as they arranged the time and place of their dinner date—that if she needed to check her calendar before committing to meet him, she was not a woman deserving of his time.

Nobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life on his own terms. —Elizabeth Bowen

To accommodate his fragile ego, every situation, every dilemma for the narcissist begins and ends with power and control. Having never matured from the infantile, ego-centric I to the relationship-oriented I & Thou, he makes very sure that he alone is the Star of his one-man play—The Life of Me. If he decides to invite you onto his stage, remember your role will be as a prop that supports his self-expression. You need only to read from his script and follow his direction without question. Never forget that there is only one star on the stage of his life, and make no mistake, it isn’t you. Your only value is to make sure you read your lines exactly as he writes them, and act out, flawlessly, his direction. Cast in a supporting role, you will never experience how the spotlight feels on your face.

Cindy spent one evening disappointed and dining alone, stood up by a narcissist. Alison was not so lucky.

AlisonOne memory for Alison stands out now that she’s escaped. It happened the night her boyfriend, Dick, rented a movie depicting an abused woman terrorized by her husband. Alison, knowing she had to choose her words carefully to avoid another argument, told him she was going to bed early because the movie upset her.

Just one year before, Alison was flattered by Dick’s obvious attention when they met at a friend’s party. He was easy to talk to, they were both marathon runners, and those eyes of his went straight to her soul. Soon, they were dating exclusively, and Alison’s iPhone overflowed with Dick’s love notes. He always expected her to respond immediately, but sometimes her work schedule got in the way. Alison knew his next tweets would be more scolding than loving.

Alison enjoyed his attention, even though it was a bit intrusive at times. She’d never had such an attentive boyfriend. In time, she felt sure they could share a wonderful life, so when he asked her, she moved into his home up in the hills above the city. That was when the other side of Dick broke through. One night after discussing politics, Dick threw her into the wall. Alison was stunned but assured him she’d be fine by morning. When it happened again two weeks later, Alison started packing.

The first time a woman is hit, she is a victim. The second time, she is a volunteer. Thousands of cases have made it clear to me that getting away safely is wiser than trying to change the abusive husband. —Gavin DeBecker

At her office the next day, flowers arrived, and then more flowers arrived, this time with a huge balloon that said I’m sorry. When she got home, Dick had cooked a gourmet dinner and poured her a glass of her favorite Cabernet. Then, he put down his glass, took her face in his hands and said the words her soul longed to hear him say, Alison, I don’t know what came over me. I promise

you, I will never hurt you again. Alison believed him. After all, they loved each other.

Dick kept that promise until the second day of their honeymoon, two years later. From then on, it seemed to Alison like the violence never stopped. Dick had always been a teaser, but now the teasing had an edge, an edge aimed right at her. But the teasing was the least of it. She was hiding bruises and split lips under her makeup. That wasn’t the only makeup she was using to hide reality. She was making-up excuses to her concerned coworkers, friends and family.

Dick blamed his bouts on stress at work and financial pressures. But Alison knew that other partners faced the same issues, yet their wives weren’t being berated, beaten and choked. In the beginning, Alison blamed herself. Dick treated her like a queen before they married. What was she doing now that made him so angry? She tried to build him up, but the more she tried the more he tore her down. It seemed that she couldn’t figure out what set him off. Her friends asked her, How can you possibly predict his triggers? You’re not a psychic. But, Alison didn’t listen.

Instead, she tried harder to be the perfect wife. Sometimes, she actually felt it worked. Dick would be his sweet self, like she remembered. They would have friends over for barbeques in their backyard, and everyone would laugh and have a great evening. Alison’s heart would tell her It’s OK, now. Everything is going to be fine. It was during one of those sweet times that Alison got pregnant. Then, Dick’s battering took aim at their unborn baby. Alison didn’t want her marriage to end, just the kicking of her belly. She pleaded to protect their child. She fantasized that Dick would fall in love with this baby and would be the perfect husband and father.

But the baby was colicky. Before stomping out of the nursery at 2 AM, Dick would scream at her and his newborn son. When their baby’s colic continued for weeks on end, Dick’s yelling escalated, and before long both Alison and her baby were being hit. The next day, Alison would threaten to leave. Dick would, predictably, become remorseful and promising her through his tears I’m so sorry, please please don’t go. I promise I will never hurt you again. That became their dance, or what therapists call The Cycle of Violence.

Emotional abuse almost always escalates to physical violence.

—Diane Lass, Ph.D., Family Justice Center, San Diego

Alison could always tell when Dick’s rage was about to strike. She could see it in his eyes. On that final day, while Dick sat in his downtown office unaware, Alison, walking on egg shells, held their baby in her arms and walked out their front door, forever.

The scientific community notes a well-established psychological difference between males and females. Males’ predominant hormone, testosterone, fuels their aggressive tendencies. When used for good, their aggression protects their families from harm. But when this natural protective instinct is undermined by emotional vulnerability from childhood, rather than protecting, loved ones become their targets. The male’s tendency towards violence is one of the best established and most pervasive of all psychological gender differences.

According to a Domestic Violence study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention:

60 %

of Women have Experienced Abuse

One in twenty-five everyday Americans is secretly a sociopath. They could be your colleague, your neighbor, even family, and they can do literally anything at all and feel absolutely no guilt.

—Martha Stout, Ph.D., Harvard Psychologist, The Sociopath Next Door

62% have been hit, shoved, or slapped

33% have been choked or strangled

11% who say their partner is currently abusive, predict he will seriously hurt or kill them

23% admit they suffered physical violence, such as being slapped or punched.

94% cite emotional abuse.

Women Keep Quiet about Their Abuse

24% of women in abusive relationships have not told anyone they’re being harmed.

37% of women who have known someone in such a relationship never said anything to that person or to the authorities.

Note: I highly recommend the following link for comprehensive information on date rape, domestic violence, and how to recognize signs of an abusive personality. bit.ly/196prRa

The bimbo believes the power of love overcomes the love of power. ‘Don’t count on it,’ answers the wise NaughtABimbeaux.

—Morgan Rose

Broken Men Come in Every Race, Class and Religion

Alison and Cindy’s stories show how a relationship with a Mr. Always Right can run the gamut from the narcissistic close call to the sociopathic run for your life. Unfortunately, such men can be found in every level of society. They often seek power positions such as CEO, therapist, director, physician, professor, pastor, lawyer, teacher, coach, or politician. Any career that offers power, control and influence will attract Mr. Always

Right. How convenient for him that appearing powerful also attracts innocent, emotionally insecure women who seek such a man as he appears to be. That’s why, when needing a power fix, Mr. Always Right hunts for the vulnerable woman, a woman naïve enough to be lured in by his flattering lies.

For instance, if you appear unsure, shy, or helpless he will shape-shift into whatever man he thinks you are looking for. If you are lonely and needy, he will make you feel special and important. If you have low self-esteem, he will tell you you’re beautiful, talented, and wise. If you have doubts about him, he will win your sympathy and devotion. If you resist, he will become irresistible. He will convince you that every other woman has betrayed him, but you are the only one who has ever truly understood him, and therefore the only woman he can trust.

All of the above characteristics apply to both the narcissist and the sociopath. And, as reflected in our stories, though the narcissist may have fewer tendencies towards overt pathology, neither of them have a conscience. Once they take from you what they need and move on, you can be sure they won’t bother turning around to see the chaos they have left behind in their wake, also known as your life.

The signature difference between them is that the narcissist may break your heart; the sociopath will break your heart, your bones, even your life.

Meet Dr. JEKYLL & Mr. HYDE

By analyzing all available records on hundreds of cases, I have come to see that Scott Peterson and other serial killers do not kill for the reasons normally ascribed to spousal murderers. They eliminate the women, and sometimes children, in their lives because they no longer serve any useful purpose to them. They view those they once claimed to love as inconveniences, impediments to the kind of life they covet and fantasize for themselves.

—Marilee Strong, Why Scott Peterson is a Narcissist

When you know what to look for, a sociopath is not hard to spot. To attract the attention he craves he can be energetic, charismatic, charming and witty. In reality he is a master manipulator who lies, deceives, stalks, steals and commits fraud. In the initial courtship, he will appear compassionate, but he is not. Once he has sucked you into his world, charming Dr. Jekyll soon reveals his true identity: ruthless, pathological Mr. Hyde.

The sociopath is a predator. Like a vampire sucking blood to survive, he needs a vulnerable woman to maintain his fix of power and control. If you’ve been with such a man you know the drill. Try to figure out his triggers, and he’ll come up with new ones. Try to debate, argue, or convince him of any reasonable point, and you will be flooded with double talk. If you continue to question or confront him, you quickly learn that compromise is not in his vocabulary. Winning the power struggle is how he defines intimacy. To prove it, he will punish you if he perceives you are a threat to his power. He can become violent and his rage targets those he claims to love. Yes, even children. It’s not uncommon that while he shows no mercy to you, he’s already charming your replacement as if you never existed.

You are not, nor ever will be, a person to love. Neither is he, nor ever will be, a person who loves any other human but himself. Beneath the perfect image he projects to the world lurks a self-centered, ego-driven, cruel mind that targets one goal with laser focus ~ to take and keep ownership of your life. Once he knows that you believe his lies, like a modern day Phantom of the Opera, he will drag you ~ heart, body and soul—deeper and deeper into his pit of hell.

One has to wonder how such rigidity and rage can develop within the soul of a man. Do such characteristics just appear out of a vacuum? Out of a peaceful life does violence just suddenly explode? A growing field of research tells us that such severe ego-centric pathology often is birthed in one’s earliest days when innocence was as fragile as a baby’s tears.

Warning: The root of all domestic violence is narcissism. Children raised in fear-based environments absorb the narcissism of their parents, and are seriously at risk to repeat it. Narcissistic violence, on the continuum from verbal violence to physical assault, becomes the family legacy. If a woman trusts a Mr. Always Right, she dooms herself, and any children she may have,

Purchase your copy of On Becoming Naught

A Bimbeaux on

to years, if not the rest of her life, to being emotionally, mentally, financially, physically and spiritually crippled. Until our families, communities, and nation seriously address and heal this malignancy, we will all suffer the consequences. And, have no doubt, it will be our children who pay the price.

Deep inside us, we know what every familytherapist knows: the problems between the parents become the problems within the children. —Roger Gould

What Takes Place in the World Starts in the Home

In the next chapter you will learn why males are more vulnerable than females in their physical, emotional, and relational response to fear-based childhoods. This information is critical to discerning frog from prince, for when you stand at the altar, there will be not two, but four of you. Each of you brings with you your inner child.

Journey Journaling:

Who are the narcissistic men I have allowed to control me?

What narcissistic characteristics will I now recognize/avoid?

What narcissistic characteristics are attractive/repulsive to me?