New Girl Spec

NEW GIRL SPEC

Written by

Nathan Helm

[email protected]

INT. COACHS ROOM - MORNING

Winston sits at the edge of Coachs empty bed and talks to a white body pillow in Coachs image.

WINSTONYeah? I mean I usually put cumin in mine. I never thought of turmeric though.

He listens.

WINSTON (CONTD)Mmhmm.

He listens.

WINSTON (CONTD)Well, Aly is softening. Shes learning that as an officer, I have a lot to offer. Ferg, yeah, so great of you to ask, Ferguson is NOT a tabby actually, hes an Exotic Shorthair which is a variation on the Pers-

Nick walks in holding a black body pillow.

WINSTON (CONTD)Uhhhh-

NICKUmmmmm-

They stare at each other awkwardly.

WINSTONDamnit, I miss Coach and Im not gonna hide that.

He spins the chair around to reveal his white body pillow with a face drawn on. A cocked hat and basketball in its lap.

NICKMe too!

Nick throws down the black body pillow with a face drawn on.

WINSTONWhy it gotta be a black pillow, Nick?

NICKIt was all I could find.

Winston is suspicious.

NICK (CONTD)(stammering)

I dont see pillow race.

WINSTONThe black pillow and the white pillow are equal in your eyes.

NICKYes.

WINSTONEqual pillow rights.

Nick picks the black pillow up and hits Winston in the face with it.

NICKStop it. Look, we need to fix this. Were happy for Coach, right?

WINSTONRight.

NICKRight?

WINSTONRight?

NICKRight! We need to get out there and celebrate this loss the only way we know how.

WINSTONSuici-

NICK (CONT'D)Making a new-wait, what?

WINSTON (CONTD)Yours, lets do yours.

NICK(uncertain)

A new friend.

Winston perks up.

WINSTONI like friends.

2.

NICKThere ya go, buddy.

Nick hauls Winston up.

NICK (CONTD)Now get up and get dressed. Were going to the bar.

WINSTONIts 8:30 in the morning.

NICKWinston, the types of people were going to find at the bar during normal people bar hours are not the types of people that are going to want to be friends with us. Get it together.

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Winston and Nick exit the room, Nick turning Winston away from the kitchen counter where he has a watermelon drawn to look like a basketball.

Behind his back, Nick sweeps the melon into the trash can with a large crash.

WINSTONWhat was-

NICKShhhh, its ok.

Jess stomps out hurriedly.

JESSHave you guys seen my body pillows? Im missing both of them.

WINSTONI dont, uh-

NICK(guiltily)

Whats a body pillow? I dont know what that is. Come on Winston.

INT. SCHMIDTS ROOM - MORNING

Schmidt and Cece snuggle up in bed.

3.

SCHMIDTMy beautiful Indian Rajakumarigliding down the aisle to Gershwins For You, For Me, Forevermore as performed by Ella Fitzgerald. Dressed head to toe in-

CECEWhoa whoa, slow down, Schmidt. We have nothing but time. And I thought it would be nice to walk to Bachna Ae Haseeno personally.

Schmidt is shocked.

CECE (CONTD)What? We are a young, metropolitan, multicultural couple.

SCHMIDTYou already got your Bollywood Fantasy Barbie wedding, Cecilia. This is my day. And Im not gonna have it turned into some sort of Halfsies-HinJew wonderland!

Cece is perturbed.

SCHMIDT (CONTD)Ive spoken out of turn. I love you. Its just, ever since college Ive had my dreams laid out in a very specific manner.

CECETell me.

SCHMIDTWell, I always imagined Vera Wang, of course. Wed have these delicate chandel-

CECENo, tell me what happened.

SCHMIDTI dont know what youre talking about.

Cece cocks her head, waiting. Schmidt shakes his, no.

CECETell me or Im also including SaagPaneer in my list of demands.

4.

SCHMIDT(interrupting)

It was a sunny but brisk day-

EXT. COLLEGE QUAD - FLASHBACK

Schmidt and Nick walk.

SCHMIDTI just love my hoodie. It holds me. It doesnt judge me.

Schmidt cuddles into the hooded sweatshirt hes wearing.

NICKIts a solid hoodie man. Its like a girlfriend but, in sweater form.

Schmidt thinks.

SCHMIDTIt is. Like a girlfriend. Soft and supportive and here for me. It doesnt know my dreams but it longs to. I could wed this hoodie. Oh hoodie, my hoodie...I love you.

At this moment a group of pretty frat guys walk past them.

FRAT #1You gonna marry your hoodie, fat boy?

FRAT #2Thats so sweet. Can I be the string bearer?

NICKIts string BEAR, idiots.

He smiles back at Schmidt. Schmidt is mortified but tries to hide it from Nick when he notices.

SCHMIDTYeah, those dummies.

BACK TO PRESENT:

SCHMIDT (CONTD)I just want it to be special. I want to become the man you know me as but that I never knew myself as.

5.

CECEWere in love. Barring you actually wearing the hoodie, I dont see our day being anything less than amazing.

Schmidt smiles and cuddles into her.

He stares off into the middle distance, smiling wider.

SCHMIDTBrazilian Purple Heart festooned with name tags on every place setting and a string quartet delightfully void of the chicken dance.

INT. BAR - MORNING

Nick and Winston survey the room. The crowd is sparse.

They sit at the bar.

NICKMike. Stop YouGoogling and saddle your OWNER up with a beer.

The bartender turns around, its not Mike.

TEDDYMike is gone. Which Im sure you know...since you bought him out.

NICKBe that as it suits the court, we have a mission and we need lubrication!

Teddy the bartender pops open two beers and slides them to Nick and Winston.

NICK (CONTD)Alright. Now, lets survey our prospects here. Weve got him, him, skip that guy, skip, skip. Him?

WINSTONYouve pointed at all the men of color in here and skipped all the white folks. Why is that, Nick?

Nick laughs uncomfortably.

6.

NICKYoure crazy. What about that guy?

Nick points at a white guy thats spent a little too much time in the sun. Hes tan beyond belief. Basically black.

Winston narrows his eyes.

NICK (CONTD)The balance is all off! If we add another white guy youre gonna be the token one. When it was even, I was the token one.

WINSTONTrue. True.

They drink silently.

WINSTON (CONTD)Sorry, why were you the token one?

NICKBecause Im the only one of us that can moonwalk.

Winston nods.

WINSTONTrue. True.

They drink silently again, looking around the room. Just a bunch of drunks.

WINSTON (CONTD)The station!

NICKWhat?

WINSTONI know some guys at the station. We can court a lad or two, doggie style.

NICKWhat are you saying to me right now?

WINSTONWhat?

NICKYou wanna do boy cops doggie style?

7.

WINSTONNo, man, no. They my dogs. Like, we dog-never mind. Lets go.

NICKIm not doing anything doggie with you, Winston. Id be too tender and-

Nick flips around and starts to moonwalk in front of Winston. Its less a moonwalk than it is an ugly shuffling of the feet.

NICK (CONTD)-moonwalk straight into your heart.

WINSTONDamn, you so good at that.

NICKIts a gift buddy. Like your crocheting.

INT. SCHMIDTS ROOM - MORNING

Cece is getting dressed while Schmidt lays in bed, dreamy-eyed watching her.

CECE(laughing)

Stoooop.

SCHMIDTI cant help myself. Ive lassoed a unicorn that poops diamonds.

She smiles.

CECEWhos gonna be your best man?

SCHMIDTNick, of course.

CECEYou think he can handle it?

SCHMIDTYeah. Yeah?

He thinks.

8.

SCHMIDT (CONTD)Yeah. Yeah. Hes, uh, hes a crafty one, that Nick Miller.

CECEWhatever makes you hap-

SCHMIDTHe might have a small flub or two, nothing major.

CECELike I said, whatever makes you hap-

SCHMIDTLittle things that make for memories.

CECEWhatev-

SCHMIDTNicks going to ruin our wedding.

CECENo he-

He pops up, concerned.

SCHMIDTDamn you, Nick Miller. Youll saunter in with your papier-mache shoes and youre suit made from Outside Daves discarded bed scraps and youll defecate all over my hopes and dreams!

Cece plants next to him on the bed.

CECEHey, calm down. Im sure hell do fine. Hes your best friend. Hell-

SCHMIDTHell flounder, oh come on Cece open your eyes! Its all right there. Hes been setting this up for years. Since we moved to-no no, since college. That day. It was that day.

CECETell me.

9.

Schmidt shakes his head again like before.

CECE (CONTD)Lamb Koftas might be good for our wedding as well.

SCHMIDT(interrupting)

The leaves has just begun budding that day...

EXT. COLLEGE QUAD - FLASHBACK

The previous exchange but this time, when Nick looks back to correct the ring bearer comment, he winks at the offenders as a sign of approval.

BACK TO PRESENT:

Cece is slack-jawed. Schmidt is rocking back and forth on the bed.

CECEHoney, why dont you go talk to Nick and iron the details. See what hes thinking before you go jumping off the deep end.

SCHMIDTYoure right.

CECESee? All goo-

SCHMIDTYoure absolutely right. I need to test him. His friendship acumen.

CECEThats not what I meant, Schmidt. And you kn-

SCHMIDTThank you, my succulent earth worm. Without you, Id truly be damned.

He kisses her and finishes dressing fast, running out the door.

CECEIm probably never going to finish another sentence in my entire, Schmidt-filled lif-

10.

SCHMIDT (O.S.)Retribution!

The sound of the front door slamming fills the space.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Nick and Winston walk and talk as Schmidt screeches to a halt next to them in his car.

NICKWhoa. Schmidt? What are-

SCHMIDT(gasping)

Hey...hey...phew...hey. I just missed you guys so dang much. What are we up to?

WINSTONWere going to the police station to find a new Coach.

SCHMIDTIs, isnt that...isnt that a little racist?

WINSTONThe cops, Schmidt. Not the cons.

SCHMIDTOhhh, yes yes. Thats precisely what I thought. Nick, what do YOU think about cons? Hmm?

Nicks confused.

NICKI dont know what type of answer youre looking for, Schmidt.

SCHMIDT(to himself)

Indifferent to cons. Noted.

WINSTONYou just gonna leave your car there?

SCHMIDTWho do I look like, a transient surfer circa 1977?

(MORE)

11.

Does this look like a VolkswagenMicrobus with Shred the gnar scrawled across the side in turquoise spray paint? Am I the man that would leave a finely tuned machine such as this sitting naked in what could only be described as the closest American equivalent to a Brazilian favela?

They say nothing.

SCHMIDT (CONTD)I have an app. Itll be picked up, detailed and dropped off smelling of rosewood in less time than it takes you to ask-

SCHMIDT (CONTD)-whats rosewood smell like?

NICKWhats rosewood smell like?

SCHMIDT (CONTD)(to himself)

It smells of betrayal.

They all begin walking again.

NICKWhats an app? Like, an appetizer? Is your car gonna smell like hot wings Schmidt? No offense but that sounds terrible.

Behind them, the car is already gone.

INT. LOFT - DAY

Cece walks out of Schmidts room nude, taking a quick peak first to make sure shes alone.

She trots into the bathroom where Jess is sitting on the toilet knitting.

CECEBah!

JESSAhh!

Cece covers herself with a towel quickly.

SCHMIDT (CONT'D)

12.

CECEJess, what on Earth are you doing? I thought you were gone.

Jess gaze keeps drifting down to Ceces now covered breasts.

JESSI, uh...

Cece cocks her hip, waiting.

JESS (CONTD)Im sorry, but those are just spectacular. Is there a cream you use or something?

CECEJess, why are you knitting in the bathroom?

JESSIts sort of a zen thing for me. Creating something new and clean in a place made for filth helps me put things in perspective.

Cece nods, confused but accepting of Jess newest quirk. She turns on the shower.

JESS (CONTD)Ugh, its the Summer and I have no idea what to do with myself.

CECEMaybe find a new hobby?

JESSI tried selling ice cream to the kids at the Jewish community center but they were reluctant.

EXT. PARKING LOT JEWISH COMMUNITY CENTER - FLASHBACK

Jess dances in a cow costume.

Her ice cream cart reads, Bored of Ice Cream? Try Beef Milk!

JESSHey kids! Would you like to learn where beef milk comes from?

The kids scamper away.

13.

JESS (CONTD)Phew, its hot in here.

The cow head keeps slipping down her face.

BACK TO PRESENT:

JESS (CONTD)I went to a local crafting class down at the Y. They just hated me.

INT. CRAFTING CLASS - FLASHBACK

A class of mostly elderly women slowly glue buttons to a small lamp.

Jess pops up with a finished lamp significantly more ornate than the rest.

JESSDone!

She looks around.

JESS (CONTD)Come on ladies! Youre not getting any younger!

She smiles, they grimace.

BACK TO PRESENT:

CECEIm sorry sweetie. I was about to head out to look at some table cloths for the wedding if you-

JESSYou can be my new hobby!

Cece sticks her head out of the shower?

CECESorry, what?

JESSYeah! Ill be your wedding planner! Holy giraffes, its like everything just fell into place.

CECEJess, I dont think-

14.

JESSYou dont have to think, Cece, thats my job. All you have to do is say yes to the dress.

Cece shrugs.

CECEYeah, alright. Lets do it. Im warning you though, Schmidt is going to be VERY particular about a certain number of things with this wedding.

JESSYou let me handle Schmidt. You just focus on keeping those-

(pointing at breasts)-badboys nimble and ready for action.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Nick, Winston and Schmidt walk through the station, Winston acknowledging the officers he knows.

Nick is sizing up the prospects and Schmidt is losing his cool every time a prostitute or crack head gets a bit too close.

SCHMIDTIts like the Coachella of bad life choices in here.

NICKAlright guys, what are we thinking?

WINSTONOk, Ive got my eyes on Rodriguez-

(pointing to Hispanic cop)-and Hurley.

(pointing to white cop)

SCHMIDTOoh, a Latin. Finally someone whos palette can appreciate my Paella.

Nicks eyes plead to Winston.

WINSTONFine, and, uh, Jones.

(pointing to black cop)

15.

Nick nods his head in agreement.

NICKLets do this.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

All three cops sit on one side of the table, staring.

Nick slams his hands on the table, screaming.

NICKWhat is your favorite kind of beer!

The cops arent fazed.

WINSTONNick, Nick, ay, calm down.

NICKDo I not get to be bad cop? I thought-

Schmidt slams his hands down now.

SCHMIDTWhat type of wine must one pair with charcuterie?

OFFICER HURLEYI drink beer.

OFFICER RODRIGUEZChardon-

Schmidt scoffs.

SCHMIDTIts a Viogn...ier

(re: Nicks knowledge)

NICKIts a Viognier, ya savage.

Schmidt is quickly impressed but pushes on.

WINSTONGuys, were here because we have an opening in our squad.

OFFICER JONESDid they finally fire Higgins? Do they have a hygiene school he can attend or what?

16.

WINSTONI meant OUR squad, not the police squad. And Higgins is behind the glass recording this for us right now.

The light behind the two way mirror switches on by the hand of another officer, revealing Higgins crying into his own palm.

He realizes they can see him and freaks out, lunging for the switch to turn it off.

HIGGINSNoooo!

Officer Jones gets up and runs out the door.

OFFICER JONESHiggs. Im sorry buddy. I told you I like your musk!

WINSTONOne down!

NICKDamnit!

INT. HOBBY LOBBY - DAY

Jess and Cece wander the aisles of the grossly outdated Hobby Lobby.

JESSIm thinking Styrofoam filled mason jars with pixie sticks poking out and little hearts attached to the top that were designed by your friends. Your friends love is...SWEET, yeah? AND, you can eat your friends...love. Itll be the center piece.

CECEI dont know, Jess. I th-

JESSI can have my home-ec kids sweatshopping this until kingdom come.

17.

CECEHoney, I dont think were gonna want to go the, uh-

She picks up a picture frame made from a ratty window shutter, complete with rusty nails and adorned with the words, Jesus loves my Shih Tzu.

CECE (CONTD)-the shabby chic route, no offense.

JESS(distractedly)

Sounds...good. Hey, look at this.

Its a ventriloquists dummy made from pipe cleaners and drift wood.

CECEOookay, lets go next door and well just put a pin in...all of this.

JESSYesss. Dress Barn, here we come!

CECENo no, next door to Starbucks. We need to talk.

INT. STARBUCKS - CONTINUOUS

Cece and Jess sit with lattes.

JESSWe need a gameplan. Theres a whole lot to do and whole lot, a whole LOT of Summer left. God Cece, help me. You dont want me doing your wedding. My style is far too progressive for you and Schmidt and we all know that.

CECEJessica Day, first of all, I love you. Secondly, Im sorry, what? Thirdly, the Jess I know is overflowing with ridiculous plans for every season of the year, school or no. Something else is going on. Is it Ryan?

18.

JESSNo. Its, no, its, no, its not, no, its, yeah its Ryan.

She drops her head to the table.

CECEIm sorry, honey.

JESSIts just the natural order, I guess. One love must fail-

(pointing to herself)-so that another may blossom.

(pointing at Cece)

CECEWhatever you say, sweetie.

JESSOur love was a storybook kind whereas...other love just couldnt-

CECE(interrupting)

Ok, lets go get a drink and drunk dial Ryan.

JESSNo, thats-

CECETHAT is just the childish thing you need to do to try and get over this. You need closure, Jess.

Jess eyes drift upward. She sighs.

JESSThe way he closed doors.

(another deep sigh)It was as if Mr. Crawley had just told Lady Cora hed given the staff the night off to dance. Hed wink, turn and sachet away like the fine piece of bangers and mash that he was.

CECE(interrupting)

Oooookay, lets go.

JESSIts barely noon.

19.

CECEYeah, well, in the Abbey, its drinking hour. Lets go.


Officer Hurley and Officer Rodriguez sit still, bewildered.

OFFICER HURLEYLook guys, you seem...cool? I guess. I just dont really have time to add a whole new group to my-

NICKThats it? Thats what youre giving us? You dont have time? We make time to come down here and TRY to include you-

OFFICER HURLEYI dont even know your names. Look Bishop, youre cool but youve got the screaming guy here that wont stop talking about what I like to put cheese on-

NICKWHAT DO YOU LIKE TO PUT CHE-

Winston stops Nick.

NICK (CONTD)(shaking his head)

He wont answer...

OFFICER HURLEYAnd the dude in the corner that wont stop staring at cheese guy and taking notes. Its all a little, desperate.

Nick looks back at Schmidt who is, indeed, taking notes feverishly.

NICKSchmidt, what are you-

OFFICER HURLEYIm out. Good luck.

The room goes quiet. Schmidt, Winston and Nick turn their attention to Officer Rodriguea.

20.

He clears his throat slightly.

SCHMIDTWell, I guess we know what YOU like to put cheese on?

Winston and Nick look back at Schmidt.

SCHMIDT (CONTD)(softly and shrugging)

Burritos and, and stuff?

Nick reaches out for the notepad in Schmidts hand.

NICKLemme see what youve got here.

Schmidt wrestles it back to his chest.

SCHMIDTIts not done.

NICKIts notes. Its never done. Thats the very nature of notes, they go on. Theyre the Celine Dion of transcribed memory.

SCHMIDTI tend to, uh-

Nick rips them from him.

NICK(reading)

The Great Miller Lie?

Schmidt shuffles and grabs quickly for the notes which Nick snatches away even quicker.

NICK (CONTD)Though showing signs of progress post-sommelier-

(saying it phonetically)

SCHMIDT(correcting pronunciation)

Sommelier! You remember, it was the wine-

NICKMiller still shows signs of thinly veiled friendship. Likelihood of failure rising?

21.

Nick looks up.

NICK (CONTD)What is this, Schmidt?

Schmidt shuffles.

SCHMIDTIts a, uh, well you, uh, hey look at the, uh...

Nick throws the notepad behind him. It hits Officer Rodriguez in the face.

He rises quickly, drawing his gun. Winston settles him before he can get his gun out of his holster.

NICKTell me whats going on, Schmidt.

SCHMIDTAlright, look! Im the one that should be grilling you!

NICKWhat?

SCHMIDTMarch 2nd, 2001! It was a crisp day. We had just seen The Mexican in theaters. Julia was radiant. The scene in which Brad-

NICKGet on with it!

SCHMIDTOk! I remember that it was crisp out because I was wearing my favorite hoodie. I was remarking on how much I loved that thing. Two guys passed us while I was saying how much I would like to, uh, to...

Nick remembers.

NICKHow much you would like to marry it...Schmidt, let me explain.

INT. BAR - DAY

Cece and Jess sit at the bar, usual patrons surround them.

22.

JESSCece, I dont know about this.

Jess plays with a full shot glass in front of her.

CECEShhhh.

Cece lifts it to Jess lips.

CUT TO:

Jess has another shot in front of her. Shes a little more glassy eyed.

JESSCece, I dont know about this.

Cece smiles.

CUT TO:

Jess is close to drunk. Another shot.

JESS (CONTD)Cece, I dont know about this.

CUT TO:

Jess is lit up like a Christmas tree.

JESS (CONTD)(to Cece)

God youre smart.

CECEI know, honey. Here, dial the phone and let it all out.

Jess fumbles with the phone, slowly and many times incorrectly entering Ryans number.

She finally connects.

JESSIts the machine? What do I do?

CECEEven better. Say your peace and hang up. All the closure, none of the drama.

Jess smiles.

23.

JESSSo smarrrr-

(answering machine beeps mid-word)

-arrr matey! Avast! This is your friendly neighborhood pirate calling about your lost booty. My booty.

(dropping the pirate speak)

Uhhh, this is Jess. Day. Jessica. Day. Your vice-principal speaking. Ive been informed to inform you of the failing grade youve attained in the following classes. My love 101. Intro to being a man. My love 102. Though, you did excel in anatomy-

(winking at Cece)-were gonna have to expel you from our heart at once. Good day!

She slams the phone down on the table.

CECEThere. See?! How good do you feel?

JESSI feel amazing. I feel...I feel like a drunken cloud that just rained its final tears.

CECEOk, good.

JESSI feel like...I feel like my period is starting. Ryan always liked me best around this time. He always said it was like-

(British accent)The twilight of attitude. Not quite calm, not quite stormy.

(dropping the British)Yeah, the English are weird.

She picks up her cell phone and realizes she never hung it up.

Cece notices, they both go wide eyed.

She punches at the END button and slams her head on the table.

24.

CECEAlright, sweetie. Thats enough catharsis for one day. Lets get you home.


Schmidt gets choked up slightly and Nick moves to console him.

SCHMIDTNo, Mr. Miller! That time has passed.

NICKI can explain! And why is this coming up now?

Officer Rodriguea looks at Winston who is now seated next to him. They might as well have popcorn as they watch it all unfold.

SCHMIDTHow convenient that twenty years later he has an explanation.

NICKIt was for your benefit, Schmidt!

WINSTON(to Officer Rodriguez)

Schmidt used to be fat. Nick has weird ways of showing his love sometimes.

OFFICER RODRIGUEZ(to Winston)

Could be some sort of tough love situation in that it seems Nick truly has Schmidts best in...ter...ests...

Schmidt and Nick stare at Winston and Officer Rodriguez. The latter stop talking.

NICK(back to Schmidt)

A day prior you were talking in your sleep, while listening to some motivational tape.

25.

INT. COLLEGE DORM - FLASHBACK

Nick sits at his desk drawing dragons with boobs and giggling to himself.

Behind him, Schmidt is cuddled in bed with headphones on, fast asleep.

SCHMIDT(while asleep)

To achieve great heights one must first reach great lowths.

BACK TO PRESENT:

SCHMIDT (CONTD)Lowths isnt a word.

NICKIts my story!

BACK TO FLASHBACK:

Nick takes notice of Schmidt murmuring positive reinforcements to himself and turns away from his activity.

BACK TO PRESENT:

NICK (CONTD)They were friends of mine from welding class. I snuck out and asked them if they would put you down so you could raise yourself higher.

Schmidt seems shocked.

NICK (CONTD)You seemed to be having a hard time that week, buddy. I just wanted to help.

Schmidt tears up and grabs for Nick. Nick hugs him slightly then pushes him off.

NICK (CONTD)Your turn! Whats the deal with these notes?

SCHMIDT(shyly)

Cecilia and I were in bed this morning talking about the wedding.

(MORE)

26.

Obviously the topic of best man came up.

Winston smiles and starts to rise from the table to claim the title.

OFFICER RODRIGUEZIts not you Bishop.

He pulls Winston back down, much to his chagrin.

NICKYou wanted me to be your best man?

SCHMIDTOf course I did. Do. Youve always been there. Cece filled my head with all this nonsense about whether or not you could handle it and it poisoned me, Nick. It ate me up inside. And then I remembered that chilly Winters day and I lost control.

Nick and Schmidt embrace once more.

NICKIm going to prove to you that Ive got the gumption, Schmidty.

Officer Rodriguez interjects.

OFFICER RODRIGUEZYouve sold me. You seem like a great bunch of guys and Id love to be your new Coach.

Nick and Schmidt look each other.

NICKWere good.

SCHMIDTI think were at capacity, buddy.

They pass him on the way out, paying him no mind afterward.

He looks to Winston confusedly.

WINSTONSooo, Ill see you at the, uh, are you going to the company, umm, that gathering at the, uh...

Winston backs slowly out of the room and around the corner.

SCHMIDT (CONT'D)

27.

OFFICER RODRIGUEZIdiotas.

INT. LOFT - EVENING

Winston, Nick and Schmidt enter to find Cece and Jess already home. Jess lays out on the floor, her hands covering her face, groaning loud.

Cece sits on the couch, talking her through it.

NICKWhats happening here?

JESSIve entered the void, Miller. Its a crimson red drag race to hell.

NICKAre you drunk? Its-

Nick looks at his wrist for the time, instead finding a sweat band with tick marks and a slowly increasing wave of wetness.

Schmidt scoffs.

SCHMIDTIts 5:30, AustralopitheNick.

NICKI sweat a very specific amount per day. This tracks that sweat and keeps more accurate time than your, what is that-

He grabs Schmidts watch hand.

NICK (CONTD)-Bolex? Its a Bolex? Have some class, son.

Schmidt whips is away, ashamed.

CECEJess got drunk and told off Ryan today.

NICKWho the hell told her to do that?

CECEI dont know.

JESSCecilia, my bosom buddy!

28.

The boys give Cece a disapproving look.

CECE (CONTD)Oh what? The one time Im a bad influence? Go look in a mirror, Hardly Boys.

ALL THREE BOYSThats irrelevant. Completely fabricated. How dare you. Ridiculous.

JESSSchmidt!

SCHMIDTJessica.

JESSYes, Schmidt?

SCHMIDTCan I help you, Ms. Day?

JESSDo you know where my body pillows are?

Nick leans down to help Jess up.

NICKAy! Let me get you into bed before Cece makes another terrible life decision for you.

(pulling on Jess hands)And by the way, Cece, you will rue the day you ever thought Nick Miller couldnt handle being Thaddeus Schmidts best man.

SCHMIDTThats not my name.

NICKI know, I just realized I havent spoken it in so long that I forgot it. Is it Shalom?

(struggling with Jess)Jess, you gotta help me out here.

Jess pulls him to the ground on top of her. They share a very quick, almost imperceptible look of romance before Nick rolls off to the side of her.

29.

Winston drops too, laying his head in the forming semi-circle on the living room floor.

Schmidt moves to Cece, kissing her forehead.

CECECant believe you told him what I said.

Schmidt smiles and looks at Nick while Nick stares at the ceiling silently.

SCHMIDTWe needed our own catharsis, I guess.

Schmidt grabs Cece and throws her to the ground, joining her and the rest of the now completed circle. They lay silently.

JESSYeah Schmidt, what is your first-

SCHMIDTDont.

WINSTONCome on, Schmidt.

SCHMIDTStop it.

JESSI bet its Donald.

WINSTONBernard.

SCHMIDTIm done.

Schmidt tries to get up, Cece pulls him back down.

NICKTallulah?

JESSZzzzzacharia.

They all chuckle and fall silent again.

Schmidt is smiling once more, lost in thought.

30.

NICK(singing)

Jooooohn Jacob-

The rest join in instantly, laughing.

ALL BUT SCHMIDTJingleheimer Schmidt! His name is my name too!

SCHMIDTThe wedding is off!

Schmidt rises and stomps away like a child.

The rest continue.

ALL BUT SCHMIDTWhenever we go out! The people always shout! There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt!

SCHMIDT (O.S.)Da da da da da da da da!!

31.

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