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Navigating the Difficult Conversations Epsilon Sigma Phi Conference
October 7, 2014
Nate Arnett, Dr. Jeff King, Kayla Oberstadt
Why this topic?
60 – 80% of difficulties in organizations stem from strained
relationships
Managers spend 30-40% of time dealing with workplace conflicts –
that’s 1-2 days each week!
Workshop Objectives
• Learn how to approach difficult conversations and navigate
them successfully.
• Gain strategies in confronting work-related conversations.
• Develop a personal understanding and evaluation of self when
facing a difficult conversation.
• When you leave this session, you will be ready to have “the”
difficult conversation facing you.
Your Thoughts on Difficult Conversations
• What are examples of difficult conversations?
• What makes them difficult?
Structure for Our Conversation Today
• Evaluate
• Prepare
• Navigate
• Build the Culture
Structure for Our Conversation Today
• Evaluate
• Prepare
• Navigate
• Build the Culture
What Makes a Conversation Difficult?
DIFFICULT
CONVERSATIONS
Hard to Read
Weeks, H. (2010). Failure to Communicate. Boston: Harvard Business Press.
Combat Mentality
• Treats conversation like a battlefield
• Fight or flight response
• Results in winners and losers
Weeks, H. (2010). Failure to Communicate. Boston: Harvard Business Press.
Emotional Loads
• Carry heavier emotional loads • Anger
• Embarrassment
• Anxiety
• Fear
• Our emotions get in the way
• Two way street
Weeks, H. (2010). Failure to Communicate. Boston: Harvard Business Press.
Hard to Read
• What is happening may be masked by:
• Perceived intentions (yours and theirs)
• Misconceptions based on our own/their perspective
Weeks, H. (2010). Failure to Communicate. Boston: Harvard Business Press.
What is often the question related
to the picture below?
How Much Does the
Glass Weigh?
“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when
we created them.” – Albert Einstein
Structure for Our Conversation Today
Evaluate
• Prepare
• Navigate
• Build the Culture
Prepare for the Conversation
• Ask yourself:
• What is the purpose for having the conversation?
• What would be an ideal outcome?
• What “buttons” of yours are being pushed?
• How have you contributed to the problem? How have they?
Ringer, J. We have to talk: A step-by-step checklist for having difficult conversations.
The “What” and the “How” of Engaging in
Difficult Conversations
What to include:
• What you want and what
you don’t want
How to get there:
• Initiate conversation
• Meaningful sharing
• Open expressions
• Problem Solving
• Identify a Solution
What Do I Want?
• What do “I” want?
• I want to let Tom know that there have been concerns
with his ability to work within his department.
• I want Amy’s reports to get done on time.
• What don’t “I” want?
• I don’t want Tom to feel that this is a personal attack.
• I don’t want to offend Amy on the quality of work she
does.
“Both/And” Philosophy
• Leading at a higher level
• Development of people is of equal importance to
performance
• Achieving results while acting with respect, care,
and fairness of all involved in the situation
Blanchard, K. (2007). Leading at a higher level. Blanchard Management Corporation.
What do I WANT from the situation?
What do I NOT want from the situation?
A
N
D
Use the “Both/And” method
A
N
D
What have you just created?
A goal/purpose of the conversation!
What do I WANT from the situation?
What do I NOT want from the situation?
I want to let
Tom know that
there have
been concerns
in his ability to
work within his
department.
A
N
D
I don’t want Tom
to feel this is a
personal attack.
What do I WANT from the situation?
What do I NOT want from the situation?
I want Amy’s
reports to get
done on time.
A
N
D
I don’t want to
offend Amy on
the quality of
work she does.
What Do I Want?
• Search for “Both/And”
• What do “I” want?
• I want both to let Tom know that there have been concerns
with his ability to work within his department, and I don’t
want Tom to feel this is a personal attack.
• I want both Amy’s reports to get done on time, and I don’t
want to offend Amy on the quality of work she does.
What do I WANT from the situation?
What do I NOT want from the situation?
A
N
D
Other Considerations
• Time
• Place
Structure for Our Conversation Today
Evaluate
Prepare
• Navigate
• Build the Culture
The “What” and the “How” of Engaging in
Difficult Conversations
What to include:
• What you want and what
you don’t want
How to get there:
• Initiate conversation
• Meaningful sharing
• Open expressions
• Problem Solving
• Identify a Solution
1. Initiating the Conversation
• “I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think
will help us work together more effectively.”
• “I’d like to talk about ________ with you, but first I’d like to
get your point of view.”
• “I need your help to understand what just happened. Do
you have a few minutes to talk?”
• “I’d like to talk about ________. I think we may have
different ideas on how to _______.”
Ringer, J. We have to talk: A step-by-step checklist for having difficult conversations.
2. Meaningful Sharing
Runde, C, & Flanagan, T., (2010). Developing your conflict competence. P. 80-87
• Focus on Content
• Summarize frequently
• Check for understanding
• Ask questions related to content
• Demonstrate your understanding
• Focus on Emotion
• Identify emotions
• Understand source of emotions
Levels of Listening
non-listening
to agree/disagree
to tell my story
for how it applies to me
listening to understand
• entire message
• beyond the words
©1994-2008 Senn-Delaney Leadership Consulting Group, LLC..
3. Open Expressions
Runde, C, & Flanagan, T., (2010). Developing your conflict competence. P. 91-93
• Weakness versus strength
• Many people conceal their true feelings or thoughts
from conflict partners and even deny them.
• After initially discussing your feelings regarding a
situation, you ask, “Is everything okay now?”
Response: “Everything is fine.” …Is it really?
• Assumption: “They already know how I feel.”
Mood Elevator grateful
wise, insightful
creative, innovative
resourceful
hopeful, optimistic
appreciative, compassionate
patient, understanding
sense of humor
flexible, adaptive, cooperative
curious, interested impatient, frustrated
irritated, bothered
worried, anxious
defensive, insecure
judgmental, blaming
self-righteous
stressed, burned-out
angry, hostile
depressed
up
down
Senn, L. & Hart J. (2009). Winning teams – winning cultures. Senn-Delaney.
4. Problem Solving
• Collaborating to create solutions
• Adapting
• Reflective Thinking
• Creating Solutions
Runde, C, & Flanagan, T., (2010). Developing your conflict competence. P. 94-105
5. Identify A Solution
• Move to action
• Clear and specific commitment
• Who will do what, and by when
• Plan a follow-up conversation
• Ask the individual to explain what they would
like to accomplish before meeting again.
McMillan, R. (2010). Difficult employees: How can you work with them? Leadership
Excellence. Grote, D. Tips for Having Difficult Conversations in Harvard Business Review
http://hbr.org/web/management-tip/tips-on-having-difficult-conversations
The “What” and the “How” of Engaging in
Difficult Conversations
What to include:
• What you want and what
you don’t want
How to get there:
• Initiate conversation
• Meaningful sharing
• Open expressions
• Problem Solving
• Identify a Solution
Structure for Our Conversation Today
Evaluate
Prepare
Navigate
• Build the Culture
Build a Conflict Competent Culture
• Share the Journey
• Practice
• Common Language
• Teach
Thank you for joining us today!
Wishing you the best in
Navigating Difficult Conversations