Narcissistic Relationship Survival Kit - Spartanlifec ?· Narcissistic Relationship Survival Kit PART…

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Narcissistic Relationship Survival Kit PART 1 : 9 KEY PRINCIPLES 1. Learn to Call Abuse, Abuse. Make a list of all the not nice things your ex would do, consider that even though you dont think its right to call it abuse that maybe these not nice things that made you feel bad were in fact actually abusive. If you were trained in your childhood to ignore your feelings and needs then this might be quite hard for you to do, but please do try. 2. Establish no contact. Do not communicate with your ex in any format, if they continue to try to contact you then use the grey rock technique. 3. Perform a Sanity Check: accept that yes, the person is sick and therefore the whole relationship was sick. Its hard to accept but accepting it will make you saner. 4. You are not yourself right now, you are probably experiencing some emotional dysregulation and complex ptsd as a result of the relationship. You might be: paranoid, hypersensitive, quick to anger, over adrenalized, suffering from poor sleep and nightmares prone to obsessive or catastrophic thinking etc All of these are symptoms of Narc abuse 5. Seek Stability, Support, Sanity (explained in the video that came with this ebook) 6. Remember that you have been isolated in a one man/woman cult for some time, you might be a little odd. Be aware of that when seeking to reconnect with family and friends. 7. Expect grief, sadness and then anger. Learn how to allow and process these feelings in a safe and boundaried way. Be kind to yourself, practice self-compassion. 8. Time to rebuild your foundations: adopt a new philosophy of life, start by promising to be rigorously honest with yourself and to always acknowledge your needs from now on. Acknowledge traumatic abuse experienced in childhood and adolescence. Develop and assert new boundaries, learn the skill of self assertiveness. 2 : 1O STAGES OF GREIVING This was sent to me by a lady who wishes to remain anonymous. She describes herself as a mental health professional who has been in a narcissistic relationship, beyond that I dont know anything about her. Its a good piece I hope you enjoy it: If youre on this site you are most likely trying to understand Narcissist Personality Disorder, grieving and or healing from a rel ationship with a narcissist. There are several grieving stages after a narc relationship. Ive been utilizing all sources during my grieving period such as support web sites, licensed therapist, books on Narcissist Personality Disorder and support systems. I was so beat down and abused that I literally hit rock bottom. I dont want to disclose the cycles of abuse or ruminate over the horrific events because its a never ending diorama! The first thing Id like to disclose is that narcs come from both genders. I used male gender so the verbiage flowed easier. What Id like to do is let everybody know how I managed to move on and get on with my life. Healing from a narc was absolutely daunting, confusing and one of the hardest endeavors Ive been through. Stage One: Denial For example: He didnt cheat on me, he loves me, he said Im the only one he loved, things werent that bad, I love him, I will never find another man who loves me, etc. One effective way to get over the denial stage is to journal ALL the abusive languages, lies and traits he exhibited to everybody during your relationship. I wrote down all the hurtful things he said and did to me during our relationship. If it hurt, I wrote ouch that hurt. If I was upset Id use profanity. Its your healing process and be authentic, brutally honest and real. Write down all your hopes, disappointments, anger, sadness, lies, and broken dreams. I also wrote down abusive things he did to his family and associates. I currently have nine pages and still going. Stage Two: Educate yourself and be familiar with all the pathological behaviors or Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD). There is a lot of information out there and the more we understand their psyche the easier it is to understand they didnt love us the way we wanted to be loved. You must remember, they are incapable of loving another person. They were only with you as an extension of their ego, to fill their Narcissist Supply and most importantly, so they didnt have to be alone. We have to face that we fell in love with a fake ho llow person. They are not capable of loving us. Period. They dont change and never will, they are broken people. The more you understand NPD the easier it will for you to understand their pathological lies and behaviors. I kid you not, when I was on a backpacking trip in Europe I hiked with a man for 300 miles who continued to talk about his ex and the abusive behaviors he endured from her. He tried to rationalize irrational behaviors for 300 miles! Please dont get stuck in this step. You cant empathize with a narc, you cant understand their behaviors so please walk away and dont try to understand their lies. Stage Three: Write a goodbye letter, write down ALL your hurt, sadness and disappointments. Tell your ex how he hurt you, how you felt, how many times you cried over him etc. This was the hardest assignment for me. My letter was raw and real. I also had to let go of the relationship with mutual friends and his family. Not only are we saying goodbye to our ex narc, we are saying to part of our old lifestyle. If you feel like staying home in your pajamas all day, do it. Give yourself permission and time to grieve. Of course do not send him the letter. Stage Four: The dreaded NO CONTACT. This is also a hard one, brutally hard nonetheless. I failed at this too many times. At night when I felt lonely or had a few too many beers Id write him an email and tell him how horrible of person he is. It felt good to let him know I knew his secret and would never be with him again, HOWEVER, dont do it. They will use it against you and assume you want them back. No contact is very hard because its the absolute closure tool. When I say no contact I mean, no Facebook creeping, dating sites, talking to old mutual friends, email etc. Absolutely NO CONNECTION or CONTACT! Block his number, filter his emails to ga rbage etc. I discovered after Id creep on his FB or interact with mutual friends it brought back some of the good memories and I was sucked back into pain. No contact is much easier on our psyche than keeping in touch with ex. Its almost like quitting smoking, each day gets a little easier. Take one hour or even day at a time. They were an addiction to us and the only way to break free is to completely let it go. If you need help in this area (I did) just remember they dont care about you or how you are doing. They only care about themselves. Period. You are their food, their supply. They fooled you into believing they cared about you and will continue doing so. Sta ge Five: Go back over stages one through four, add more notes, add on to your goodbye letter and continue to give yourself a pat on back for no contact. Give yourself a weekly reward for not corresponding to contacting anybody in the old narc world. Stage Six: Expect hovering, they will come back and try to get in your head or back together. Remember they are only coming back when they need your supply. Its not about you and they d o not miss you as a person. They miss your lack of boundaries and how you made them feel alive. Remember if they can get a reaction out of you after no contact it will excite them. Even a negative reaction will be misconstrued and they will persist. Do not respond to them. Period. Stage Seven: Ask yourself why you stayed in this relationship? What attracted you to him? Why did you stay? What are you deep dark secrets that need to disclose with yourself? They say, the devil you know is sometimes easier than the devil you dont know. This part of healing took a long time, I had to go back to my childhood, understand the relationship with my father and why I continually chose broken men. Im still in this stage and most likely will be a long time. This isnt necessarily a stage, its more of seeking the intrapersonal psyche. What are your automatic thoughts? When you are dreaming or thinking whats going on? I had an epiphany when I took my daughter to my dads house so she could pick up a personal belonging. I sat in the car and she goes, Are you going in? I responded, No he could care less if he sees me or not. Thats the hard core truth and it was hard wired in my psyche. I pick men who treated me like my father did. I continue to be attracted to emotionally unavailable hollow men, however now Im aware of it and using cognitive behavioral approach. Stage Eight: Be aware of another narc relationship. . First of all, I d like to explain, my ex narc was attracted to me because Im the overachiever type, empathetic, educated, physically fit and have very poor boundaries. Narcissists have ex ray glasses and if you demonstrate any of these characteristics you will be sought and picked by a narc. Narcs love empaths (people who are highly in tune with others emotions). They seek us because they are drawn to our emotionally sensitive traits. Remember in the future narcs will still be attracted to you, be cognizant of this! Stage Nine: Time to rebuild your psyche and self-worth. Identify you true friends, those who see the good in you. Let go of the toxic people in your life. We all know who they are and the last thing we want to do is lose more friends.C2 However, they need to go. Love the genuine kind hearted people, they will love you back. Instead of getting recognition form a partner, get recognition from yourself. Do something! Run a marathon, take a class, join a gym, advocate for a political cause you believe in. By doing this for yourself you are training yourself to make yourself happy. I learned to run marathons by taking each mile at a time. I literally pushed myself 10% with each mile. It took a long time and I made it. I even ran Boston Marathon! I use to be overweight and smoked cigarettes. The 10% rule works very well, little steps!! It does sound clich, however it is a very important step. Stage Nine: Be cognizant if you get stuck in a stage. It will happen and its a normal process to vacillate and have self-doubt. Getting stuck in the venting stage is too easy, be aware of it. Stage Ten: Accept your thinking errors, accept past denials and most importantly. learn from your experience. Use the pain inflicted by narc as energy and knowledge to help others. Im not going to say a prince will sweep you off your feet and you will live happily ev er after. When you know you are healing you will be able to look in the mirror and see the sparkle come back to your eyes. It will happen! resources and support: facebook forum youtube copyright Richard Grannon 2015