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2020 Face Everything and Recover Retreat
Developing Self-Esteem
1
CoDA
The Gift I Give to Myself
—Nancy B. Norfolk, VA
• I didn’t want others to know…
• People will look down on me…
• I can’t ask for help.
2
Buster: Living in Denial
• I am not my problems.
• Someone else’s behavior, dress, etc. Is not a reflection on me.
• Asking for help means that I am using all the resources at my disposal.
3
Booster: Facing Everything and Recovering
Source: The Personal Bill of Rights
• You are so…
• That was so…
• Why did you…
4
Buster: Self-Criticism
• “Kick” the person out of your head
• Should be believable
• Repeat, repeat, repeat
5
Booster: Positive Affirmations
Sources: CoDA Newcomer Handbook, CoDA Affirmations Booklet, Tools for Recovery
• You are so…
• That was so…
• Why did you…
6
Buster: Praise, Criticism From Others
• Healthy emotional boundary
• Others do not control my serenity (salt shaker)
• My self esteem is not at the whim of another person
7
Booster: Internal Positive Regard
Sources: CoDA Establishing Boundaries in Recovery booklet, CoDA Big Book Ch. 5
• Taking the poison and expecting the other person to die
• Adrenaline rush
• Damaged relationships
8
Buster: Nursing My Resentments
• Antidote to the poison
• Replaces my anger with peace
• Pray for the person for two weeks or do Buddhist love and compassion meditation
9
Booster: Forgiving Others and Myself
e.g. Pema Chodron or Thich Nhat Hahn compassion meditations
• Gave me temporary relief from my problems
• Made me feel better than others
• Things only got worse until I found the next “fix”
10
Buster: Enabling Others
• Setting boundaries
• Doing the steps
• Focus on myself - alone vs lonely
11
Booster: Taking Care of Myself
Sources: Establishing Boundaries in Recovery booklet; Sponsorship booklet, CoDA Big Book Ch 1-5
• Disappointment
• Anger
• I blamed others
12
Buster: Expecting Others to Make Me Happy
• Empowered
• Focused on myself
• Acceptance and hope
13
Booster: Taking Responsibility for Myself
• Acted on impulse
• Disagreements escalated
• Lost friends, relationships
14
Buster: Reacting
Sources: CoDA Big Book: Stories
• I learned to label and express my feelings
• I learned to listen
• I learned its not always about me
15
Booster: Responding
Sources: CoDA Patterns of Recovery
• Stops me from taking risks
• I judge myself and others harshly
• I don’t get things done
16
Buster: Perfectionism
• I am more creative
• Learn from failure
• I have self compassion
17
Booster: My Personal Best
• I always lose.
• I compare my insides to your outsides.
• I am better than or worse than…
18
Buster: Comparing Myself to Others
• I always feel better
• I become closer to my higher power
• No social ladder in recovery
19
Booster: Gratitude
• I was ashamed of myself
• Messages from parents
• Messages from society
20
Buster: Believing That I am Flawed (shame)
• I have gifts that I can use for good
• Each of us has gifts that we discover in recovery
• I have the right to my place in the sun
21
Booster: I am Just as I am Meant to Be
• Believing in Myself by Earnie Larson
• Self esteem journal
• Gratitude list
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Tools for the Journey
Note: You can get a copy of the Self-Esteem Journal and the Gratitude List on the CodaWinterRetreat.org website.
2020 Face Everything and Recover Retreat
Get These Recovery Resources from CoDABooks:
•Codependents Anonymous, The basic text or “Big Book” of Codependence Anonymous•CoDA Twelve Step and Twelve Tradition Workbook•NEWCOMERS HANDBOOK, •TOOLS OF RECOVERY, •Sponsorship: What’s in it for Me?, •Peeling the Onion, •Communication in Recovery,•Making Choices, •Twelve Steps Handbook, •BUILDING CODA COMMUNITY: HEALTHY MEETINGS MATTER, •Common Threads of Codependency, •EXPERIENCES WITH CROSSTALK, •Establishing Boundaries in Recovery, •CARRYING THE MESSAGE: LIVING THE TWELFTH STEP.
Audio CDs: •Personal Sharing on the Twelve Steps, •Codependency and Shame, •Newcomers and Sponsorship
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Find Them At WWW.CODA.ORG
CoDA Convention CDs:VWTapes.com
Retreat CDs/MP3s: WhiteSoundStudios.com