I believe in upholding equality, above all else. As such, I do not believe in close, interpersonal relationships with any one in particular! Honestly, leaving me alone and letting things be would have made it much easier. Keeping the status quo in my lonesome environment would have left me at ease.Man, what a bad memory. Afterwards, we were anything but friends, and not a word was spoken to one another ever since. Thanks to that, I ended up not wanting to have any friends, conversations, or even relationships, for that matter. You can pretty much say that a romantic comedy setting of me with a beautiful girl alone together in a locked room is never going to happen in real life.Thats not the point I just dont like being told by different people thatmy selfcan change or be changed like that. In the first place, if convincing me was all it took to change who I am, then that wouldnt really make memyselfnow, would it? As they say,the self issuch that it cannot be viewed by oneself objectively.Um, Im not going to run away or anything so Ill be okay going by myself. I mean you know Im always alone. Im totally fine by myself. Or rather, if Im not by myself I cant keep my composure.I put my hand on the door to open it. Honestly, I was feeling depressed but on the other hand the thought of running away irritated me too. The important thing is not to let anything she says get to me. I shouldnt think about us being alone together. I should just think of her being there and me being there separately.This is probably the first time Yukinoshita Yukino has shown me her smile. As she smiled, I learned whether or not she had dimples or a double tooth peeking out. In other words, she was cute. Something I didnt care about at all.Its not like I dont understand what youre trying to say. Being alone means you can have a great time by yourself. You could even say the belief that one shouldnt be alone is disgusting. Even though you like being alone, having somebody just pour their sympathy on you would be irritating.Despite being liked by everyone you call yourself a loner. Youre a disgrace to lonely people everywhere.But it cant be helped. Nobody is perfect. They are weak, they have ugly minds and they get jealous easily and try to bring others down. Oddly enough, the more superior you are the harder it is to live in this world. Isnt that just wrong? Thats why Im going to change this worlds and the people in it.Would you give a hungry man a fish or would you teach him how to fish? That is where the difference lies. Essentially, a volunteer does not provide results but a methodology. I suppose to encourage independence would be the most accurate answer.Society, you included, is much too harsh to me You should at least let me be nice to myself. In fact, I think everyone should treat themselves more gently. If everybody is hopeless, then there's no such thing as a hopeless person.

Vol 9.5There were plenty of times where youd trip over yourself on the big stage. Only the ones saying that failing was part of the experience were outsiders, for the actual deed was unpleasant to the person in question.The people from the safe zone would speak of things like try harder next time and everyone fails at some point. Theyd say things like that. But there were times when there wasnt a next time because that first failure would carry over to the next opportunity, turning that into a failure as well. The words its okay to fail were truly irresponsible words. The responsibility of failure was always something of no worth to the person who failed.

The acts of reporting, contacting, consulting, compromising, and confirming were to increase the number of related parties, all just to share ones own responsibility. If they could turn the entire failure into everybodys responsibility, they could reduce the burden on their hearts one by one.They are unable to shoulder the responsibility themselves which is why they attempt to obtain the opinions of others.

Merits, demerits, risks, returns; if they were these things then I understood. I could understand.Desire and self-protection, hatred from jealousy. I could analyze the mentality of the actions that were grounded on those abundant, repulsive emotions. Thats because I had plenty of those ugly feelings inside of me. Thats why it was simple to imagine. If they were similar things, then there was still room to understand it. I could explain using logic.However, if there wasnt, then it was difficult.Without the concept of profit and loss, it was hard to imagine the feelings of people who went beyond logic and theory. I had too little to go on and above all else, I had committed too many mistakes up until now.Good will, friendship, or even love; they were all things I had been mistaken with. I was sure that I was mistaken with them even now as I thought about them.

But it wasnt like I was flattering her. If I was born ten years earlier and had met her ten years earlier, then I thought I would have fallen head over heels for her from the bottom of my heart. Although there really wasnt any meaning in that kind of supposition.I couldnt help, but smile from my thoughts going nuts.

Trying to not hurt others is something you cant do. People are creatures who hurt others just by existing even if theyre not aware of it. Whether youre living or dying, youll always be hurting someone. Once youre involved, youll hurt someone, and even by not being involved, you might be hurting someone else as wellHowever, if its someone you dont care about, then it wont bother you. Whats necessary is awareness. Its exactly because you care that youll feel as if you had hurt someone.To cherish someone means to have the resolve to hurt them.

Vol 9.6IEven though I started again, I still couldnt find the words.What should I say? I already said what I wanted. The words that I had felt and thought were already spoken. I asked again and I piled things from scratch. I should have thought up of the words for the sake of that. There really wasnt anything left. I was all out of options.Aah, I see. In the end, the things I tried to say, no matter where I was and no matter how much I thought, were only thoughts, logic, calculations, measures, and tricks.Despite that, I was still looking for the words that I needed to say, that I wanted to say even though I didnt completely understand after thinking. Yet its not like they would understand even if I said it. Yet itd be pointless just saying it too.I didnt want words. But there certainly was something that I wanted.And they were definitely not things like to understand each other, to get along with each other, to want to talk to each other, and to stay together. I didnt want to be understood. I was aware that I wasnt understood and I didnt think I wanted to be understood. What I wanted was something more cruel and harsh. I wanted to understand. I want to understand. I want to know. I want to know and be relieved. I want to gain peace of mind. Because I was terrified of things I didnt understand. To want to completely understand everything was a self-righteous, dictatorial, and arrogant wish. It was absolutely wretched and repulsive. I couldnt help but be disgusted at myself for having such a desire.However, if, if we thought the same way.If we could force that unsightly self-satisfaction onto each other and if a relationship that allowed that arrogance were to exist.I knew that being able to do that was absolutely impossible. I knew that it was something that my hands wouldnt be able to reach.The grapes that my hands wouldnt reach were undoubtedly sour.But I didnt need sweet fruits that were like a lie. I didnt need things like a fake understanding and a deceptive relationship.What I wanted was that sour grape.Even if its sour, even if its bitter, even if its disgusting, even if its full of poison, even if it didnt exist, even if I couldnt lay my hands on it, even if I wasnt allowed to wish for it.Even soI understood that the voice that leaked out at some point was shaking.Even so, II desperately held in the feeling of wanting to break into a sob. Even though I had swallowed my voice and words, they continued to come out in bits and pieces. My teeth would grind noisily and the words were squeezed out on their own.I want something genuine.