My Life as a Book Excerpt

7/29/2019 My Life as a Book Excerpt

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M y Li fea s a Boo k


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Help!

I DONT WANT TO READ THISBOOK!

Ever since my teacher said I wasa reluctant reader, I spend everywaking minute avoiding my motherand her latest idea of how I shoulduse my time. WASTE my time ismore like it.

The librarian said youd love this

book. Mom vaults over a basket of

reluctant

vaults


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laundry, but Im too fast for her. I diveout my bedroom window onto the

roof of the garage. One chocolatechip per page, she calls.

Thats the old rate. My price hasgone up. As soon as my motherstarts to climb out after me, Ihoist myself through the open atticwindow. A few minutes later, I hearher at the bottom of the attic stairs.

Two chocolate chips per page,

but thats as high as Ill go, Derek.While my mother tries to bribe

me down from the attic withchocolate, I rummage through thecardboard boxes to see if theresa stick I can use to shoot my wayout. Instead, I find a stack of lettersmy father wrote to my motherwhen they were dating yuckand

some old newspapers. When I openone of them up, the headline reads

rummage


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LOCAL GIRL FOUND DEAD ON BEACH.The newspaper is from Marthas

Vineyard, Massachusetts, and datedten years ago. (I have to do the mathin the dust with my finger.)

I open the attic trapdoor andhang down by my feet. Im facingmy mother upside down, like PeterParker and Mary Jane in the firstSpider-Man movie, except we dontkissOBVIOUSLY. I ask Mom about

a dead seventeen- year- old girl on anisland weve never been to, but shedoesnt know what Im talking about.So I toss down the newspaper.When she picks it up, her expressionchanges.

This has nothing to do with you,she says.

No kidding, I answer. I just

want to know why we have it.She yanks me down by the

obviously


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waistband of my jeans and catchesme before I hit the floor.

Instead of making up a story,youre going to read one. She tucksthe newspaper article into her backpocket, then shoves the library bookinto my hands.

The thing is, I like to read. If everyone just left me alone withCalvin, Hobbes, Garfield, Bucky, andSatchel, I could read all day. But

forcing a kid to do something asprivate as reading? My teacher, mymother, and the reading tutor anice woman named SATAN! cameup with a new reading system forme this year. They had me keep a listof all the vocabulary words I didntknow. Because I like to draw myfather is a professional illustrator I

took their idea and made it my own.

vocabulary


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So instead of writing the vocabularywords, now I draw them. Anything

to get out of reading.My parents insist I use this

system all the time, so I usuallypretend Im a spy being torturedby Super Evildoers who force meto practice active reading or bekilled by a foreign assassin. Butif everyone thinks Im spendingmy summer doing this, they are

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.If my life were a book, Id have

my own cool adventures insteadof reading about someone elses.If I were the main character in anexciting story rather than some kidwho has to sit around and READ allday, Id spend the summer tryingto find out how that girl in the

newspaper ended up dead.

assassin

adventure


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Torture in theClassroom

The next morning Ms. Williams picksup where my mother left off. Shepasses out the summer readinglist, wearing a demented smile andacting as if shes tossing out freecandy. I pretend to smash my headon my desk.

Ms. Williams ignores me. Youllread three books from this list

and write a report on one of them.

demented


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The way our principal shiftedassignments next year, Im happy

to say, Ill be your teacher again inSeptember.

I swear Im not a troublemaker, butits like an alien life-form has landedin the classroom wielding assaultweapons in each hand. SOMEBODYHAS TO STOP THE MADNESS!

Are you saying we have youagain next year and we have a report

due on the first day of school?I ask. Thats reading and writinghomework! For the summer! Its justnot doable on my schedule.

My friend Matt thinks this isfunny, but I know hell enjoy theshow from the sidelines withoutbacking me up.

The teachers voice has that same

weary tone as my mothers. Please

wielding

weary


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tell us about all these summeractivitiesI cant wait to hear.

Thats the whole thing, I say.You cant plan when youre goingto pelt the UPS truck with waterballoons or when youll dig up wormsand put them in Mr. Parkers mail slotor when youll dip your action figuresin paint and flick them at your friendwith a lacrosse stick until youre bothcovered in painty stripes. Summers

like a pajama-and-cereal day if youtry to plan it out ahead of time, youwreck it.

Matt waves his fist in the air asif hes the one giving Ms. Williams ahard time. The teacher places thereading list squarely in front of me.Im afraid youll have to try and fitin three of these books during all

that fun.

pelt


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I like Ms. Williams, but I wouldntcomplain if she was kidnapped by

crazed bank robbers in need of agetaway car.

The reading list unfortunatelyisnt going anywhere either. I stare atit and wonder what Ive gotten myself into. One of the books is about a kidand his dog over summer vacation andall the exciting things they do togetherand the lessons the boy learns.

I have a dog and trust me thatstuff only happens in books.

kidnapped


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Playing James Bond

Matt and I are at the mall looking atDVDs and comic books. His mother istrying on shoes a few stores down,but we imagine she isnt with us andthat we came here on our own.

My favorite clerk, Jamie, wrapsDVDs in plastic then seals them witha blow-dryer. When his boss isntlooking, Jamie pretends to stick his

finger in the electrical outlet whileelectrical


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he aims the blow- dryer at his headso his hair flies around like hes been

shocked. I laugh more than Mattdoes, but thats because Jamie isMatts older brother and he neverthinks anything Jamie does is funny.

As we scan the new actioncomedies, I tell Matt about thenewspaper article I found in theattic. I want to find out more aboutthe girl who drowned, I say. Do you

think Jamie can help?Hes more interested in girls

that are alive. Matt points to Jamieblowing the hair of two high schoolgirls giggling by the cash register.Jamies boss coughs with disapprovaland says hes going down the hall fora coffee. Thats all Matt and I needto hear.

Come on, Jamie. Your boss wont

shocked

disapproval

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My Life as a Book Excerpt