Upload
others
View
6
Download
0
Embed Size (px)
Citation preview
L I B R E T T O V O C A L B O O K
Music and Lyrics by Lisa Lambert and Greg Morrison Book by Bob Martin and Don McKellar
NOTICE: DO NOT DEFACEI Should you find it necessary to mark cues or cuts, use a soft black lead pencil only.
NOT FOR SALE This book is rented for the period specified in your contract. It remains the property of:
Music THMATKB INTCBNATIONAI
421 West 54th Street
New York, NY 10019
(212) 541-4684
PLEASE RETURN ALL MATERIALS TO:
MTI MUSIC LIBRARY
31A INDUSTRIAL PARK ROAD
NEW HARTFORD, CT 06057
Copyright ©
CHARACTERS
M A N I N CHAIR
MRS. TOTTENDALE
UNDERLING
ROBERT MARTIN
GEORGE
FELDZIEG
KITTY
GANGSTER #1
GANGSTER #2
ALDOLPHO
JANET VAN DE GRAAFF
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE
TRIX THE AVIATRIX
SUPERINTEND ANT
E N S E M B L E :
STAFF
REPORTERS
ETC.
— i i i —
M U S I C A L NUMBERS
2
3
3
23
14
14
17
19
20
23
23
27
30
32
34
36
37
37
39
41
42
44
49
:. 52
55
60
61
63
65
67
69
70
75
77
77
— iv —
SONGS BY CHARACTER
M A N I N C H A I R
12. Bride's Lament 55
19. Finale Ultimo 75
M R S . T O T T E N D A L E
2. Fancy Dress 3
10. Toledo Surprise 44
10a. Act 1 Finale 49
14. Love Is Always Lovely 61
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky 70
19. Finale Ultimo 75
U N D E R L I N G
2. Fancy Dress 3
10. Toledo Surprise 44
10a. Act 1 Finale 49
14. Love Is Always Lovely 61
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky 70
19. Finale Ultimo 75
R O B E R T
2. Fancy Dress 3
4. Cold Feets 14
8a. Accident Preprise 37
9. Accident Waiting To Happen . . .39
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky 70
19. Finale Ultimo 75
G E O R G E
2. Fancy Dress 3
4. Cold Feets 14
5. Wedding Bells #2 27
10. Toledo Surprise 44
10a. Act 1 Finale 49
17. Wedding Bells #2 69
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky 70
19. Finale Ultimo 75
F E L D Z I E G
2. Fancy Dress 3
10. Toledo Surprise 44
10a. Act 1 Finale 49
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky 70
19. Finale Ultimo 75
K I T T Y
2. Fancy Dress 3
10. Toledo Surprise 44
10a. Act 1 Finale 49
11. Message From A Nightingale . .52
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky 70
19. Finale Ultimo 75
A L D O L P H O
2. Fancy Dress 3
8. Aldolpho 36
10. Toledo Surprise 44
10a. Act 1 Finale 49
11. Message From A Nightingale . .52
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky 70
19. Finale Ultimo 75
J A N E T
2. Fancy Dress 3
6. Show Off 20
6b Show Off Encore 23
7. As We Stumble Along 32
9. Accident Waiting To Happen . . .39
10a. Act 1 Finale 49
12. Bride's Lament 55
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky 70
19. Finale Ultimo 75
— v —
D R O W S Y
2. Fancy Dress 3
7. As We Stumble Along 32
8. Aldolpho 36
20. Toledo Surprise 44
10a. Act 1 Finale 49
11. Message From A Nightingale . .52
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky 70
19. Finale Ultimo 75
T R I X
2. Fancy Dress 3
27. Wedding Bells #2 69
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky 70
19. Finale Ultimo 75
G A N G S T E R S #1 & #2
2. Fancy Dress 3
20. Toledo Surprise 44
10a. Act 1 Finale 49
11. Message From A Nightingale . .52
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky 70
19. Finale Ultimo 75
E N S E M B L E
2. Fancy Dress 3
6. Show Off 20
7. As We Stumble Along 32
20. Toledo Surprise 44
20a. Act 1 Finale 49
12. Bride's Lament 55
27. Wedding Bells #2 69
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky 70
19. Finale Ultimo 75
T H E DROWSY CHAPERONE - 1 -
P R O L O G U E
The theatre is dark. A voice from the stage addresses the waiting audience.
M A N
I hate theatre. Well, it's so disappointing, isn't it? You know what I do when I 'm sitting in a darkened theatre waiting for the show to begin? I pray. Oh, dear God,
please let it be a good show. And let it be short, oh Lord in heaven,, please. Two
hours is fine, three hours is too much. And keep the actors out of the audience...God. I didn't pay good money to have the fourth wall come crashing down around my
ears. I just want a story, and a few good songs that wi l l take me away. I just want to be entertained. I mean, isn't that the point? Amen.
(pause)
You know there was a time when people sat in darkened theatres and thought to
themselves, "What have George and Ira Gershwin got for us tonight?" Or "Can Cole Porter pull it off again?" Can you imagine? Now it's, "Please, Elton John, must we
continue this charade?" It used to be, sitting there in the dark, you knew that when the show began you would be taken to another world, a world fu l l of color and
music and glamour. And you thought to yourself, "My God. When are they going to bring up the lights?"
(lights up)
Oh, how things have changed. Hello. How are we today? I 'm feeling a little blue myself. You know, a little anxious for no particular reason, a little sad that I should
feel anxious at this age, you know, a little self-conscious anxiety resulting in nonspecific sadness: a state that I call "blue". Anyway, whenever I 'm feeling this
way, blue, I like to listen to my music. So, I was going through my records this
morning—yes, records—and I was about to put on the sound track recording of Meredith Willson's THE MUSIC M A N . I had a craving for a young Ronny Howard. But then I said "No! Let's have a treat! Let's disappear for a while into the decadent
world of the 1920's. When the champagne flowed while the caviar chilled and all the
world was a party"—for the wealthy anyway. So, I dug about and what did I f ind —
(extracting a record)
—but one of my favorite shows Gable and Stein's "The Drowsy Chaperone;"
Remember? Music by Julie Gable, lyrics by Sidney Stein. It's a two record set,
remastered from the original recording made in 1928. It's the fu l l show with the original cast including Beatrice Stockwell as the Chaperone. Isn't she elegant? And
this is a fu l l 15 years before she became Dame Beatrice Stockwell. Can you believe it?
Let me read to you what i t says on the back—it says "Mix-ups, mayhem and a gay wedding!" Of course the phrase gay wedding has a different meaning now, but back
then it just meant fun. And that's just what the show is—fun. So. Would you... would
you indulge me? Would you let me play the record for you now? I was hoping you would say yes.
He puts the record on the record player. He places the needle.
_ 2 - T H E DROWSY CHAPERONE
( M A N )
You hear that static? I love that sound. To me, it's the sound of a time machine
starting up.
The overture begins.
1 - Overture
Alright now, let's visualize. Imagine if you wi l l , it's November 1928. You've just arrived at the doors of the Morosco Theatre in New York. It's very cold—remember
when it used to be cold in November? Not anymore. November's the new August
now. It's global warming—we're all doomed—anyway... It's very cold and a heavy grey sleet is falling from the sky but you don't care because you're going to see a
Broadway show! Listen!
(He settles back and listens for a moment)
Isn't this wonderful?
(He listens)
It helps if you close your eyes.
(He listens)
A kettle on the stove begins to whistle. MAN runs over to the stove and dances while he
makes himself a cup of tea.
Overtures. Overtures are out of style now. I miss them. It's the show's way of
welcoming you. "Hello, welcome. The meal w i l l be served shortly, but in the meantime, would you like an appetizer?" That's what an overture is, a musical
appetizer. A Pu-pu platter of tunes, if you wi l l .
(He listens)
Oh! Something new! What could it be? Sounds like a dance tune. Kind of rollicking. Maybe involving pirates! Don't worry. There are no pirates.
He runs back to his chair as the music segues from a mono recording to a live orchestra.
Now. Here it comes. The moment when the music starts to build and you know
you're only seconds away from being transported.
The overture builds to it's conclusion.
The curtain is going up. I can't wait!
T H E DROWSY CHAPERONE - 3 -
S C E N E 1: T O T T E N D A L E ' S E N T R A N C E H A L L — M O R N I N G
UNDERLING enters, followed by MRS. TOTTENDALE.
T O T T E N D A L E
Underling?
U N D E R L I N G
Yes madam?
T O T T E N D A L E
How do I look?
U N D E R L I N G
You look radiant, Mrs. Tottendale.
T O T T E N D A L E
I do love this dress so. It never goes out of style.
U N D E R L I N G
It's a miracle, madam.
#2 - Fancy Dress
T O T T E N D A L E
MY DRESS! MY DRESS!
MY FANCY DRESS
I DON'T KNOW WHY I 'M WEARING IT
I MUST CONFESS
MY DRESS! MY DRESS!
I LOVE MY DRESS
WOULD SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I PUT IT ON?
U N D E R L I N G
YES! YES! YOUR DRESS
YOUR FANCY DRESS
'TWAS SUCH A PLEASURE AIRING IT
RE-STITCHING AND REPAIRING IT
GOD BLESS YOUR DRESS!
IT'S ONE FINE DRESS!
AND I WILL TELL YOU WHY YOU PUT IT ON
WEDDING BELLS WILL RING
WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME
- 4 - THE DROWSY CHAPERONE
( U N D E R L I N G )
MADAM YOU'RE THE HOSTESS
AND IT'S HAPPY WEDDING TIME
U N D E R L I N G & T O T T E N D A L E
WEDDING BELLS WILL DING
WEDDING BELLS WILL DONG
WEDDING BELLS WILL DING-A-LING
AND WE WILL DING ALONG
S T A F F
YOUR DRESS! YOUR DRESS!
YOUR FANCY DRESS
WE'RE VERY VERY GLAD YOU PUT IT ON
Instrumental door chimes
U N D E R L I N G
Ah!
WEDDING GUESTS HAVE COME
S T A F F
WEDDING GUESTS ARE HERE
A L L
WEDDING GUESTS ARE AT THE DOOR
AND SOON THEY WILL APPEAR
The servants open the doors
R O B E R T
I 'M ROBERT, THE BRIDEGROOM
I 'M HERE TO MARRY JANET
THAT STAR OF FELDZIEG'S FOLLIES
WHOM I LOVE A LOT
G E O R G E
I 'M GEORGE! THAT'S GEORGE!
HIS BEST MAN GEORGE
I 'M HONORED TO BE DOING
WHAT A BEST MAN OUGHT
GEORGE walks up to TOTTENDALE
Ah, Mrs. Tottendale. Now, don't worry. I have this whole wedding planned out. The
key is organization. See?
(holding up his fingers, each with a string tied around it)
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE - 5 -
( G E O R G E )
Each string represents a task yet to be completed. Pay the musicians, yell at the
florist, book the Minister. This whole wedding's going to run like clockwork.
T O T T E N D A L E
Oh, is there going to be a wedding?
F E L D Z I E G
I 'M FELDZIEG, PRODUCER
I LOST MY LEADING LADY
I GOT TO STOP THIS WEDDING
OR I 'M NOT WORTH SQUAT
K I T T Y
I 'M KITTY! JUST KITTY!
I CAME WITH MR. FELDZIEG
I'LL BE A LEADING LADY
IF I GET MY SHOT
G A N G S T E R # 1
WE'RE PASTRY CHEFS
G A N G S T E R # 2
WE'RE PASTRY CHEFS
G A N G S T E R # 1 & G A N G S T E R # 2
WE CROSS OUR HEARTS WE'RE PASTRY CHEFS
G A N G S T E R # 1
NO FAKERY!
G A N G S T E R # 2
A BAKERY
G A N G S T E R # 1 & G A N G S T E R # 2
IS WHAT WE GOT
A L D O L P H O
ALDOLPHO! ALDOLPHO!
MY NAME IT IS ALDOLPHO
I AM THE KING OF ROMANCE
SO I KISS A LOT
A L L
YOU ARE THE KING OF ROMANCE
SO YOU KISS A LOT
WEDDING BELLS WILL RING!
6 - T H E DROWSY CHAPERONE
( A L L )
WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME!
WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE
A HAPPY WEDDING TIME
(gasp)
SOMEONE HASN'T COME
SOMEONE ISN'T HERE
WHERE IS JANET VAN DE GRAAFF
AND WHEN WILL SHE APPEAR?
JANET enters.
IT'S JANET! IT'S JANET
IT'S JANET VAN DE GRAAFF
J A N E T
I 'M JANET, JANET VAN DE GRAAFF
HERE TO MARRY ROBERT MARTIN
GIVING UP A LIFE OF GLAMOUR
TO TIE THE KNOT
The CHAPERONE enters
D R O W S Y
A m I late?
I 'M THE CHAPERONE
CHAPERONE OF JANET VAN DE GRAAFF
MAID OF HONOR, FRIEND AND CONFIDANTE
AND ALL THAT ROT
Where's the bar?
A L L
A WEDDING! A WEDDING!
HOORAY!
U N D E R L I N G
(pulling out a flask)
It's Prohibition, Madam.?
A L L
A WEDDING! A WEDDING!
HOW GAY!
D R O W S Y
Good thing I brought my own.
T H E D R O W S Y CHAPERONE - 7 -
A L L
A WEDDING! A WEDDING!
TODAY!
D R O W S Y
(she drinks)
Champagne makes me drowsy.
A L L
IT'S REALLY HAPPENING!
(airplane)
TRULY HAPPENING
(airplane)
ALMOST HAPPENING
(airplane)
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
(airplane)
T R I X
I 'M TRIX THE AVIATRIX
QUEEN OF THE SKY
I CIRCLE THROUGH THE STRATUS
IN MY MODERN APPARATUS
I 'M TRIX, THE AVIATRIX
I GOTTA FLY
I'LL SEE YA' WHEN THEY TIE THE KNOT
The man turns down the volume.
A L L
A WEDDING, A WEDDING
HOORAY!
W O M E N
DING-A-LING,
T E N O R S
DING-A-LING,
B A S S E S
DING-A-LING
- 8 - THE DROWSY CHAPERONE
A L L
A WEDDING, A WEDDING
A WEDDING'S COMING OUR WAY
A WEDDING, A WEDDING, TODAY
DING-A-LING, DING-A-LING, DING-A-LING
IT'S REALLY HAPPENING
TRULY HAPPENING
ALMOST HAPPENING
SURELY HAPPENING
M A N
Well there you have it, all the guests have arrived. We have a bride who's giving up
the stage for love, her debonair bridegroom, a harried producer, jovial gangsters
posing as pastry chefs, a flaky chorine, a Latin lothario, and an aviatrix; what we
now call a lesbian. And, of course, my favorite character, the Drowsy Chaperone.
What more do you need for an evening's entertainment?
He turns up the volume.
A L L
WEDDING BELLS WILL RING!
WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME!
WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE
A HAPPY WEDDING TIME
WEDDING BELLS WILL DING
WEDDING BELLS WILL DONG
WEDDING BELLS WILL DING-A-LING
AND WE WILL DING
ALONG!
T R I X
HOW I LOVE
LOVE A WEDDING
YES I LOVE
LOVE A WEDDING
AH!
LISTEN TO THOSE BELLS
WE WILL DING
ALONG!
M A N
Wasn't that wonderful! "And we wi l l ding-a-long"; I don't even know what that
means! Alright, I ' l l lead you through this record as best I can. Don't worry; i t won't
be hard to follow. So, we begin with a welcome from the love struck groom.
ALL Laugh
R O B E R T
Well, I just wanted to thank you all for coming. I tell you I must be some lucky
fellow. Why, who would have thought that I , Robert Martin, would be marrying a
glamorous showgirl, and that that glamorous showgirl would be willing to give up a successful career for me, Robert Martin.
A L L
Oh!
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE - 9 -
R O B E R T
Now, if it weren't for prohibition, I 'd say let's raise a glass -
D R O W S Y
(Drowsy raises a glass)
Here! Here!
R O B E R T
—to Miss Janet Van De Graaff—the most beautiful girl in the world.
G E O R G E
Absolutely not!
A L L
(gasp!)
R O B E R T
Excuse me?
G E O R G E
The groom mustn't see his bride on the day of the wedding. It's bad luck!
M A N
I hope you heard that, because that's the plot. Basically. Hang on for the ride!
U N D E R L I N G
Breakfast w i l l be served in the Arabian Room.
G E O R G E
(to CHAPERONE)
Say, It's a little early in the day to be drinking, isn't it?
D R O W S Y
I don't understand the question.
G E O R G E
Look. You keep Janet away from Robert, you understand? You're the chaperone
that's your only job.
D R O W S Y
Aye, Aye Mon Capitan.
J A N E T
Oh, Robert! Who's my little monkey?
R O B E R T
I am! I 'm your little monkey.
JANET and ROBERT exit.
- 2 0 - THE DROWSY CHAPERONE
MAN
So, the Bride and Groom are whisked away, and we turn our attention to the B plot which involves the Producer.
K I T T Y
Mr. Feldzieg?
F E L D Z I E G
Getting married and leaving show business.
K I T T Y
Mr. Feldzieg?
F E L D Z I E G
Doesn't she know I got obligations?
K I T T Y
Mr. Feldzieg, I can be your leading lady. You said it yourself—I'm useless in the chorus.
F E L D Z I E G
Kitty! For the last time, you ain't got what it takes.
K I T T Y
But, I been taking lessons; Singing. Acting. Ballet.
F E L D Z I E G
Ballet?
K I T T Y
Yeah. I 'm pretty good too. Last week I auditioned for Swanee Lake.
M A N
A little annotation; Kitty and Feldzieg were a couple in real life. Jack and Sadie Adler. Now, this a familiar comic construct: a stupid woman and her long suffering
companion. Well, she appears stupid, but in the end she does something clever and makes everyone wonder whether it's all just an act. The irony here is that Sadie
actually was quite stupid; Jack had to explain all the jokes to her apparently. But, still, she had a wonderful career on the stage. At that time, the theatre was the only place
where stupid people could earn a decent living. This was before television, of course.
F E L D Z I E G
Kitty I don't have time for this!
Enter Gangster #2 & Gangster #2
G A N G S T E R # 1
A petite four, Mr. Feldzeig?
T H E DROWSY CHAPERONE - 11 -
plot Not now.
Gangster #2 stops him.
Perhaps a nice profiterole.
Boys, I 'm not hungry.
F E L D Z I E G
G A N G S T E R # 2
F E L D Z I E G
G A N G S T E R # 1
Then perhaps we could give you something else to chew on.
G A N G S T E R # 2
Yeah. Something that ain't food.
F E L D Z I E G
What?
G A N G S T E R # 1
Your confusion is to be expected. Although we stand here before you in the guise of
innocent pastry chefs, we are also —
G A N G S T E R # 2
and primarily—
G A N G S T E R # 1
—employees of a certain individual.
F E L D Z I E G
A certain individual?
G A N G S T E R # 2
A certain individual...
G A N G S T E R # 1
...who happens to be largest single investor in Feldzieg's Follies. He has sent us here-
G A N G S T E R # 2
As pastry chefs...
G A N G S T E R # 1
... to express his concern about Ms. Van de Graaff's impending nuptials.
G A N G S T E R # 2
Specifically...
G A N G S T E R # 1
...that if she gets married and leaves the show...
- 12 - THE DROWSY CHAPERONE
G A N G S T E R # 1 & G A N G S T E R # 2
...then there ain't no show.
K I T T Y
(to the Gangsters)
Say, don't I know you?
G A N G S T E R # 2
No, you don't.
K I T T Y
Have you ever spent any time in Toledo?
G A N G S T E R # 1
Have you ever spent any time in a coma?
K I T T Y
No, but I have a cousin in Seattle.
F E L D Z I E G
Kitty. Boys, you tell your boss this wedding is never going to happen. You have my word.
G A N G S T E R # 2
Oh, we'll take your word, alright.
G A N G S T E R # 1
But, to go back on that word—would be a recipe for disaster. Now, we hope we have made ourselves perfectly Eclair.
G A N G S T E R # 2
One cannoli hope.
You biscotti be kidding me.
A trifle much?
Don't tart wi th me.
G A N G S T E R # 1
G A N G S T E R # 2
G A N G S T E R # 1
F E L D Z I E G
Alright. You can drop the pastry chef routine.
G A N G S T E R # 1 Alas, we ganache.
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE - 13 -
G A N G S T E R # 2
We're on the lamb.
G A N G S T E R # 1 I i
(slapping him)
Lamb's an entree, you macaroon.
#2b - Macaroons!
Kitty takes a pastry. Gangster #1 & Gangster #2 curtsey.
M A N
The gangsters were played by interchangeable vaudeville duo the Tall Brothers: John and Peter Tall. They were born Abram and Mendel Mosloskowicz, but were renamed
at Ellis Island by a sarcastic immigration official. They were an early example of the typical Broadway gangster: fu l l of word-play and stylized movements, not very
intimidating. Unless you find dancers intimidating, which I do but for reasons that would not be appropriate to this situation.
G A N G S T E R # 1
We'll leave the matter in your hands, Mr. Feldzieg. In the mean time, feel free to browse the desert carousel.
G A N G S T E R # 2
Try the Toledo Surprise
G A N G S T E R # 1 & G A N G S T E R # 2
It's to die for.
Gangsters exit.
K I T T Y
Holy Cats, Mr. Feldzieg! They're Gangsters.
F E L D Z I E G
Very perceptive. Now go powder your face!
KITTY exits.
I've got to stop this wedding but how? Oh Lord in Heaven how! How?
M A N
I always thought that moment was a little overplayed. So with the story well on its
way, let's go to the Groom's room.
- 2 4 - THE DROWSY CHAPERONE
S C E N E 2 : R O B E R T ' S R O O M — M O R N I N G
3 — Robert's Entrance
Robert is putting on his tux. He stares into the mirror and fumbles with his bow tie.
R O B E R T
Hey there, handsome. Show me those pearly whites.
M A N
The groom was played by the dashing Percy Hyman. He started out as the A l l Bright toothpaste man. His fabulous smile adorned every tube. A l l Bright was hugely
popular in the early twenties, because it contained cocaine. It's true. If you looked at the label i t was the f i f th ingredient down, right after 'sugar'. Anyway, it wasn't long before he became a huge matinee idol.
R O B E R T
Now don't you worry. It's perfectly normal for a groom to be nervous on his wedding day. It is? Of course.
M A N
I love Percy Hyman. Now, some people say he was a bad actor, but to those people I say, "shut up".
R O B E R T
HEY THERE MISTER MIRROR MAN
SHAKIN' AND A'QUAKIN'
TREMBLIN' LIKE DEM FRAIDY CATS DO
SOMETHIN' BIG BE BOTHERIN' YOU
You know what you got...
COLD FEETS
COLD FEETS
BROTHER YOU GOT COLD FEETS
YOU CAN MAKE 'DEM COLD FEETS HOT
WITH A LITTLE RHYTHM
YOUNG FEETS
OLD FEETS
CAN BE UNCONTROLLED FEETS
RHYTHM MAKE 'DEM COLD FEETS TROT
T H E DROWSY CHAPERONE — 15 —
( R O B E R T )
D O W N T H E A I S L E
He.
Bright
ced at long
aple I
F R O S T Y A R C H E S
T H E Y C A N L E A R N T O S W I N G
I C Y T O E S C A N J I V E
W E D D I N G M A R C H E S
P L A Y E D I N R A G T I M E S W I N G
M A K E F R I G I D S O L E S C O M E A L I V E
A N D T A K E T H A T D I V E
C O L D F E E T S
S H M O L D F E E T S
T U R N ' E M I N T O B O L D F E E T S
R H Y T H M M A K E ' D E M C O L D F E E T S
H O T
G E O R G E
(entering with phone mid conversation)
You don't say? Well, why don't you just slime back into your mud hole, you back-stabbing worm!
(he hangs up)
Well, now I have to f ind another minister. Say, what are you up to?
R O B E R T
I 'm singing a song an old Negro taught me. A Dixie remedy for wedding day jitters.
G E O R G E
You think you've got jitters? You got the easy part! I've still got to get rice,
boutonnieres, and a minister! I have the weight of the wedding on my shoulders!
R O B E R T
George, it sounds like you've got cold feets.
G E O R G E
(getting into the rhythm)
W H A T D O I G O T ?
R O B E R T
C O L D F E E T S
G E O R G E
W H A T D O I W A N T ?
- 2 6 - THE DROWSY CHAPERONE
R O B E R T
BOLD FEETS
G E O R G E
WHAT DO I DO-SCOLD FEETS?
R O B E R T
NOOOOO!
YOU MAKE 'DA COLD FEETS HOT
ROBERT begins a tap dance routine. GEORGE joins in.
George! Look at you! You're dancing!
G E O R G E I am? I am!
GEORGE does an impressive tap turn.
The tap routine builds. UNDERLING Enters with a tray and two glasses of water. Serves ROBERT and GEORGE and Exits.
R O B E R T & G E O R G E Five, six, seven, eight...
COLD FEETS COLD FEETS
TURN 'EM INTO BOLD FEETS
RHYTHM MAKE 'DEM COLD FEETS HOT
YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT
YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT
YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT
YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT
M A N
Percy Hyman was a wonderful performer. I like to think of him panting and sweating after a long dance routine. He's still alive, you know. I saw him on the news recently "celebrating" his 100th birthday. To say that the passing years had taken their toll on
him, would be a grotesque understatement. They wheeled him out and he had that wide-eyed expression of pained confusion that God reserves for the very, very old on their birthdays. You know, the one that says "Who are you, who am I and why is this cake on fire?" You know what I 'm talking about? Anyway.
G E O R G E
Alright, alright. That's enough of that. Dancing around like a fool.
R O B E R T
Sorry, George. I was just trying to calm my nerves. It is my wedding day after all.
G E O R G E
Well, you could've snapped an ankle. Tap dancing is too dangerous. Why don't you
go out for a skate instead? That's what I do when it want to blow off some steam.
T H E DROWSY CHAPERONE - 1 7
r.
He hands him a pair of roller skates.
R O B E R T
George, what would I do without you.
G E O R G E
Wait a minute. What was I thinking? Oh, n-n-n-no. You're not going out like that, my friend. You might see Janet. Here, put on this blindfold.
He blindfolds him.
R O B E R T
George, you think of everything.
G E O R G E
Just looking out for you, my boy. And no more tap dancing.
Pushes Robert out the door Robert exits. George dances.
The telephone rings as GEORGE starts singing.
#5-Wedding Bells #7
seating :ently oil on that Did on is this
11.
you n.
WEDDING BELLS WILL RING
WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME
WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE-
MAN lifts the needle on the record and waits it out.
M A N
Just ignore it. It does this occasionally. It rings. It wi l l stop soon. Just ignore it. What? What do you want?
The machine picks up.
M A N ' S V O I C E
Hello, you have reached my answering machine. Leave a short message after the tone and I ' l l call you back at my convenience.
The machine beeps. A dial tone is heard.
M A N
Oh, well, that's it. The moment is ruined. Thank you. Thank you life. It's like a cell
phone going off in a theatre. God, I hate that. "Hello? What are you doing?" "Oh, I 'm at the theatre ruining the moment. How about you?" "Oh, I couldn't get out
tonight so I thought I 'd ruin the moment by proxy." Sorry. Let's just shake that off.
Let's go back in our minds to 1928. They didn't have cell phones in 1928, but I 'm sure they had something for the ruining of moments. Bugles, or something.
He puts the needle back.
- 2 8 - THE DROWSY CHAPERONE
G E O R G E
HAPPY WEDDING TIME!
GEORGE exits.
M A N
So, the scene shifts and we find the bride, the glamorous Janet Van De Graaff entertaining questions from reporters as she lounges by the pool.
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE - 19 — *
S C E N E 3 : T O T T E N D A L E ' S P O O L — E A R L Y A F T E R N O O N
The Bride entertains the press while lounging by the pool.
#5fl - Janet By The Pool 1
R E P O R T E R O N E
Miss Van De Graaff, is it true you're giving up a successful career to marry a man , you hardly know? '
J A N E T
Yes. Robert and I met on the lido deck of the lie de France. He amused me with
stories of his father's oil interests. We spooned, briefly, and then he proposed.
R E P O R T E R T W O
So, you won't be returning to the stage? Ever? *
J A N E T
I shan't.
R E P O R T E R T W O
You shan't?
J A N E T
I shan't.
R E P O R T E R O N E
Can we quote you on that?
J A N E T
Of course. One more question.
(DROWSY raises her hand)
Yes.
D R O W S Y
Why in the world would anyone put olives in a Gibson?
Feldzieg and Kitty arrive.
F E L D Z I E G
I got a question. How can you give up the footlights when you know very well you got grease paint in your veins?
J A N E T
Victor, please.
- 2 0 - THE DROWSY CHAPERONE
F E L D Z I E G
Oh Janet. I am begging you. Dump the mug, stay with the Follies. I ' l l give you
anything you want. I ' l l . . . I ' l l . . . oh, fine, I ' l l put your name above mine on the marquee.
The reporters gasp
J A N E T
Oh, Victor, if you think this is about vanity, you couldn't be more wrong.
#6 -Show Off
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE
I DON'T WANNA SING TUNES NO MORE
I DON'T WANNA RIDE MOONS NO MORE
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
I DON'T WANNA WEAR THIS NO MORE
PLAY THE SAUCY SWISS MISS NO MORE
BLOW MY SIGNATURE (KISS) NO MORE
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
The other guests gather, including the Gangster #1 & Gangster #2.
F E L D Z I E G
Janet please.
J A N E T
DON'T TRY TO CONTROL ME
I'VE MADE UP MY MIND
AND THAT'S IT
I QUIT
I 'M LEAVING IT ALL BEHIND
I DON'T WANNA BE CUTE NO MORE
MAKE THE GENTLEMEN HOOT NO MORE
G A N G S T E R # 1 & G A N G S T E R # 2
Hey Baby!
(whistle)
J A N E T
I DON'T WANNA WEAR FRUIT NO MORE
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF