Msl 2 Excerpts

8/13/2019 Msl 2 Excerpts

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! " N # $ N # S

%ore&ord

Introd'(tion ) #*e +a,it'al Identit

#*e Nar(issisti( Personalit .isorder

A Pri-er on Narcissis-i,liogra%h&

"vervie&

Chapter I: The 4oul of a Narcissist / The 4tate of the Art

Chapter II: eing 4%ecial

Chapter III: ;niqueness and 3nti-ac&

Chapter IV: The 5or+ings of a Narcissist / A Pheno-enolog&

Chapter V: The Tortured 4elf

FAQ # 3: The Energ& of 4elf

FAQ # 4: 4elf7'o*e and Narcissis-FAQ # 5: 4elf7Defeating and 4elf7Destructi*e eha*iours

FAQ # 6: 3deas of )eference

FAQ # 7: ?randiose antasies

FAQ # 8: ?randiosit& Hango*er and Narcissist aiting

FAQ # 9: De%ression and the Narcissist

FAQ # 10: Narcissistic )age


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FAQ # 15: The Narcissist9s )eaction to Deficient Narcissistic

4u%%l&

FAQ # 16: The Delusional 5a& Out

FAQ # 17: The Co-%ulsi*e Acts of the Narcissist

FAQ # 18: Narcissistic )outines

FAQ # 19: The ;nsta,le NarcissistFAQ # 20: Do Narcissists Ha*e E-otions>

FAQ # 21: The 3na%%ro%riate Affect

FAQ # 22: The C&nical Narcissist

FAQ # 23: The Narcissist as a 4adist

FAQ # 24: Other Peo%le9s Pain

FAQ # 25: The Ps&cholog& of Torture

FAQ # 26: Multi%le ?randiosit&

FAQ # 27: alse Modest&

FAQ # 28: 5ar%ed )ealit& and )etroacti*e E-otional ContentFAQ # 29: Narcissistic 4ignal! 4ti-ulus and Hi,ernation Mini7

C&cles

FAQ # 30: The Narcissistic Pendulu- and the Pathological

Narcissistic 4%ace

FAQ # 31: The 3nani-ate as a 4ource of Narcissistic 4u%%l&


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FAQ # 92: The 4%ouse6Mate6Partner of the Narcissist

FAQ # 93: 3n*esting in a Narcissist

FAQ # 94: The Dou,le )eflection


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% " R $ " R .

Hello. )ecognise -e> No> 5ell! &ou see -e all the ti-e. Gou read

-& ,oo+s! atch -e on the ,ig screen! feast on -& art! cheer at -&

ga-es! use -& in*entions! *ote -e into office! follo -e into ,attle!

ta+e notes at -& lectures! laugh at -& (o+es! -ar*el at -&

successes! ad-ire -& a%%earance! listen to -& stories! discuss -&

%olitics! en(o& -& -usic! e@cuse -& faults! en*& -e -& ,lessings.

No> 4till doesn9t ring a ,ell> 5ell! &ou ha*e seen -e. Of that 3 a-

%ositi*e. 3n fact! if there is one thing 3 a- a,solutel& sure of! it is

that. Gou ha*e seen -e.

Perha%s our %aths crossed -ore %ri*atel&. Perha%s 3 a- the one

ho ca-e along and ,uilt &ou u% hen &ou ere don! e-%lo&ed

&ou hen &ou ere out of a (o,! shoed the a& hen &ou ere

lost! offered confidence hen &ou ere dou,ting! -ade &ou laughhen &ou ere ,lue! s%ar+ed &our interest hen &ou ere ,ored!

listened to &ou and understood! sa &ou for hat &ou reall& are! felt

&our %ain and found the ansers! -ade &ou ant to ,e ali*e. Of

course &ou recognise -e. 3 a- &our ins%iration! &our role -odel!

&our sa*iour! &our leader! &our ,est friend! the one &ou as%ire to

e-ulate! the one hose fa*our -a+es &ou glo.

ut 3 can also ,e &our orst night-are. irst 3 ,uild &ou u%

,ecause that9s hat &ou need. Gour s+ies are ,lue. Then! out of the

,lue! 3 start tearing &ou don. Gou let -e do it ,ecause that9s hat&ou are used to and &ou are du-founded. 3 as rong to ta+e %it&

on &ou. Gou reall& are inco-%etent! disres%ectful! untrustorth&!

i--oral! ignorant! ine%t! egotistical! constrained! disgusting. Gou

are a social e-,arrass-ent! an una%%reciati*e %artner! an

inadequate %arent! a disa%%oint-ent! a se@ual flo%! a financial

lia,ilit&. 3 tell &ou this to &our face. 3 -ust. 3t is -& right! ,ecause it

is. 3 ,eha*e! at ho-e and aa&! an& a& 3 ant to! ith total

disregard for con*entions! -ores! or the feelings of others. 3t is -&

right! ,ecause it is.


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3 lie to &our face! ithout a titch or a titter! and there is

a,solutel& nothing &ou can do a,out it. 3n fact! -& lies are not lies at

all. The& are the truth! -& truth. And &ou ,elie*e the-! ,ecause &ou

do! ,ecause the& do not sound or feel li+e lies! ,ecause to do

otherise ould -a+e &ou question &our on sanit&! hich &ou

ha*e a tendenc& to do an&a&! ,ecause fro- the *er& ,eginning ofour relationshi% &ou %laced &our trust and ho%es in -e! deri*ed

&our energ& fro- -e! ga*e -e %oer o*er &ou.

)un to our friends. ?o. 4ee hat that ill get &ou. )idicule. 3 a-

to the- hat 3 originall& as to &ou. The& ,elie*e hat the& see

and that9s hat the& see! and the& also see the *er& -i@ed u%

%erson that &ou o,*iousl& ha*e ,eco-e. The -ore &ou %lead for

understanding! the -ore con*inced the& ill ,e that &ou are cra&!

the -ore isolated &ou ill feel! and the harder &ou ill tr& to -a+e

things right again! ,& acce%ting -& criticis-s and ,& stri*ing toi-%ro*e &ourself. Could it ,e that &ou ere rong a,out -e in the

,eginning> 4o rong as that> Not an eas& %ill to sallo! is it>

Ho do &ou thin+ our friends ill react if &ou tr& to cra- it don

their throats> After all! it reall& is &ou ho ha*e tharted -&

%rogress! tainted -& re%utation! thron -e off course. There is an

esca%e fro- the frustrations &ou cause -e and! fortunatel&! -&

re%utation %ro*ides enough insulation fro- the outside orld so 3

can indulge in this esca%e ith i-%unit&. 5hat esca%e> Those

eru%tions of anger &ou dread and fear! -& rages. Ah! it feels sogood to rage. 3t is the e@%ression of and the confir-ation of -&

%oer o*er &ou. '&ing feels good too! for the sa-e reason! ,ut

nothing co-%ares to the %leasure of e@%loding for no -aterial

reason and *enting -& anger li+e a lunatic! all the ti-e a s%ectator

at -& on sho and seeing &our hel%lessness! %ain! fear!

frustration! and de%endence. ?o ahead. Tell our friends a,out it.

4ee if the& can i-agine it! let alone ,elie*e it. The -ore outrageous

&our account of hat ha%%ened! the -ore con*inced the& ill ,e

that the cra& one is &ou. And don9t e@%ect -uch -ore fro- &ourthera%ist either. 4urel& it is easier to li*e -& lie and see here that

ta+es &ou. Gou -ight e*en acquire so-e of the ,eha*iour &ou find

so o,(ectiona,le in -e.

ut &ou +no hat> This -a& co-e as a sur%rise! ,ut 3 can also

,e -& on orst night-are. 3 can and 3 a-. Gou see! at heart -&

life is nothing -ore than illusion7clad confusion. 3 ha*e no idea h&

3 do hat 3 do! nor do 3 care to find out. 3n fact! the -ere notion of

as+ing the question is so re%ulsi*e to -e that 3 e-%lo& all of -&

resources to re%el it.


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3 reconstruct facts! fa,ricate illusions! act the- out! and thus

create -& on realit&. 3t is a %recarious state of e@istence indeed!

so 3 a- careful to include enough de-onstra,le truth in -& illusions

to ensure their credi,ilit&. And 3 a- fore*er testing that credi,ilit&

against the reactions of others. ortunatel& -& real attri,utes and

acco-%lish-ents are in sufficient a,undance to fuel -& illusionssee-ingl& fore*er. And -odern societ&! ,lessed6cursed -odern

societ&! *alues -ost hat 3 do ,est and thus ser*es as -&

acco-%lice. E*en 3 get lost in -& on illusions! se%t aa& ,& their

-agic.

4o! not to orr& if &ou still do not recognise -e. 3 don9t recognise

-e either. 3n fact! 3 regard -&self as li+e e*er&one else! onl&

%erha%s a little ,etter. Put another a&! 3 end u% thin+ing that

e*er&one else is li+e -e! onl& not quite as good. After all! that9s

hat the uni*erse is telling -e.Ah! there9s the ru,. THE uni*erse or MG uni*erse> As long as the

-agic of -& illusions or+s on -e too! the distinction is i--aterial.

Hence -& need for a fan clu,. And 3 a- constantl& ta+ing fan clu,

in*entor&! testing the lo&alt& of %resent -e-,ers ith challenges of

a,use! riting off defectors ith total indifference! and scouting the

landsca%e for ne recruits. Do &ou see -& dile--a> 3 use %eo%le

ho are de%endent on -e to +ee% -& illusions ali*e. 3n actualit& it

is 3 ho a- de%endent on the-. E*en the rage! that orgas-ic

release of %ain and anger! doesn9t or+ ithout an audience. Onso-e le*el 3 a- aare of -& illusions! ,ut to ad-it that ould s%oil

the -agic. And that 3 couldn9t ,ear. 4o 3 %roclai- that hat 3 do is of

no consequence and no different fro- hat others do! and thus 3

create an illusion a,out -& creating illusions. 4o! no! 3 don9t

recognise -e an& ,etter than &ou do. 3 ouldn9t dare. 3 need the

-agic. or the sa-e reason 3 also fail to recognise others ho

,eha*e as 3 do. 3n fact! the& so-eti-es recruit -e into their fan

clu,s. As long as e feed off of each other! ho9s the orse for

ear> 3t onl& confir-s -& illusion a,out -& illusions: that 3 a- nodifferent fro- -ost other %eo%le! (ust a ,it ,etter.

ut 3 AM different and e ,oth +no it. Therein lies the root of -&

hostilit&. 3 tear &ou don ,ecause in realit& 3 a- en*ious of &ou

ECA;4E 3 a- different. At that haunting le*el here 3 see -&

illusions for hat the& are! the illusion that &ou too create illusions

colla%ses! lea*ing -e in a state of des%air! confusion! %anic!

isolation! and en*&. Gou! and others! accuse -e of all sorts of

horri,le things.


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3 a- totall& ,affled! clueless. 3 ha*e done nothing rong. The

in(ustice is too -uch. 3t onl& -a+es the confusion orse. Or is this

too -erel& another illusion>

Ho -an& others li+e -e are there> More than &ou -ight thin+!

and our nu-,ers are increasing. Ta+e tent& %eo%le off the street

and &ou ill find one hose -ind tic+s so -uch li+e -ine that &oucould consider us clones. 3-%ossi,le! &ou sa&. 3t is si-%l& not

%ossi,le for that -an& %eo%le / highl& acco-%lished! res%ected!

and *isi,le %eo%le / to ,e out there re%lacing realit& ith illusions!

each in the sa-e a& and for reasons the& +no not h&. 3t is

si-%l& not %ossi,le for so -an& ro,ots of ha*oc and chaos! as 3

descri,e the-! to function dail& -idst other educated! intelligent!

and e@%erienced indi*iduals! and %ass for nor-al. 3t is si-%l& not

%ossi,le for such an a,erration of hu-an cognition and ,eha*iour

to infiltrate and infect the %o%ulation in such nu-,ers! *irtuall&undetected ,& the radar of -ental health %rofessionals. 3t is si-%l&

not %ossi,le for so -uch *isi,le %ositi*e to contain so -uch

concealed negati*e. 3t is si-%l& not %ossi,le.

ut it is. That is the enlighten-ent of Narcissis- )e*isited ,&

4a- 8a+nin. 4a- is hi-self one such clone. 5hat distinguishes

hi- is his uncharacteristic courage to confront! and his uncann&

understanding of! that hich -a+es us tic+! hi-self included. Not

onl& does 4a- dare as+ and then anser the question e clones

a*oid li+e the %lague! he does so ith relentless! laser7li+e%recision. )ead his ,oo+. Ta+e &our seat at the dou,le7headed

-icrosco%e and let 4a- guide &ou through the dissection. 'i+e a

,rain surgeon o%erating on hi-self! 4a- e@%lores and e@%oses the

alien a-ong us! ho%ing ,e&ond ho%e for a res%ecta,le tu-our ,ut

finding instead each and e*er& cell tea-ing ith the sa-e resistant

*irus. The o%eration is long and tedious! and at ti-es frightening

and hard to ,elie*e. )ead on. The %arts e@%osed are as the& are!

des%ite hat -a& see- h&%er,olic or far7fetched. Their *alidit&

-ight not hit ho-e until later! hen cou%led ith -e-ories of %aste*ents and e@%eriences.


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3 a-! as 3 said! -& on orst night-are. True! the orld is

re%lete ith -& contri,utions! and 3 a- lots of fun to ,e around. And

true! -ost contri,utions li+e -ine are not the result of trou,led

souls. ut -an& -ore than &ou -ight ant to ,elie*e are. And if ,&

chance &ou get caught in -& 5e,! 3 can -a+e &our life a li*ing hell.

ut re-e-,er this. 3 a- in that 5e, too. The difference ,eteen&ou and -e is that &ou can get out.

7en +eil,r'nn .

Seattle as*ington ;S

)eturn


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I N # R " . ; ! # I " N

#*e +a,it'al Identit

Warning and Disclaimer

The contents of ths !oo" are not eant to s$!stt$te for professona% he%p

an& co$nse%%n'( The rea&ers are &sco$ra'e& fro $sn' t for &a'nostc or

therape$tc en&s( The &a'noss an& treatent of the )arcssstc

*ersona%t+ ,sor&er can on%+ !e &one !+ professona%s specfca%%+ trane&

an& -$a%fe& to &o so . /hch the a$thor s not( The a$thor s )T a enta%

hea%th professona% tho$'h he s certfe& n enta% ea%th Co$nse%%n'

Techn-$es(

3n a fa-ous e@%eri-ent! students ere as+ed to ta+e a le-on

ho-e and to gro used to it. Three da&s later! the& ere a,le to

single out their le-on fro- a %ile of rather si-ilar ones. The&

see-ed to ha*e ,onded. 3s this the true -eaning of lo*e! ,onding!

cou%ling> Do e si-%l& get used to other hu-an ,eings! %ets! or

o,(ects>

Ha,it for-ing in hu-ans is refle@i*e. 5e change oursel*es and

our en*iron-ent in order to attain -a@i-u- co-fort and ell7,eing.

3t is the effort that goes into these ada%ti*e %rocesses that for-s a

ha,it. Ha,its are intended to %re*ent us fro- constant

e@%eri-entation and ris+ ta+ing. The greater our ell7,eing! the

,etter e function and the longer e sur*i*e.

Actuall&! hen e get used to so-ething or to so-eone / e

reall& get used to oursel*es. 3n our ha,its e see our histor&! all the

ti-e and effort in*ested. Ha,its are enca%sulated *ersions of our

acts! intentions! e-otions and reactions. The& are -irrors reflecting

,ac+ that %art in us that for-ed the ha,it.


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Hence! the feeling of co-fort: e reall& feel co-forta,le ith our

on sel*es hen e feel co-forta,le ith our ha,its.

ecause of this! e tend to confuse ha,its ith identit&. 5hen

as+ed 5HO the& are! -ost %eo%le resort to descri,ing their ha,its.

The& relate to us their or+! their lo*ed ones! their %ets! their

ho,,ies! or their -aterial %ossessions. Get! all of these do notconstitute an identit&. Their re-o*al does not change one9s identit&.

The& are ha,its and the& -a+e the res%ondent co-forta,le and

rela@ed. ut the& are not %art of his identit& in the truest! dee%est

sense.

4till! it is this si-%le -echanis- of dece%tion that ,inds %eo%le

together. A -other feels that her offs%ring are %art of her identit&

,ecause she is so used to the- that her ell7,eing de%ends on

their e@istence and a*aila,ilit&. Thus! an& threat to her children is

inter%reted ,& a -other as a threat to her %erson. Her reaction is!therefore! strong and enduring and can ,e recurrentl& elicited.

The truth! of course! is that children A)E a %art of their -other9s

identit& in a su%erficial -anner. )e-o*ing the- ould -a+e her a

different %erson! ,ut onl& in the shallo! %heno-enological sense

of the ord. Her dee%7set! true identit& is unli+el& to change as a

result.

ut hat is this +ernel of identit& that 3 a- referring to> This

i--uta,le entit& hich is the definition of ho e are and hat e

are and hich! ostensi,l&! is not influenced ,& the death of ourlo*ed ones> 5hat is so strong as to resist the ,rea+ing of ha,its

that die7hard>

3t is our %ersonalit&. This elusi*e! loosel& interconnected!

interacting! %attern of reactions to our changing en*iron-ent. 'i+e

the -ind! it is difficult to define or to ca%ture. 'i+e the soul! -an&

,elie*e that it does not e@ist! that it is a fictitious con*ention. Get!

e +no that e do ha*e a %ersonalit&. 5e feel it! e e@%erience it.

3t so-eti-es encourages us to do things / or %re*ents us fro-

doing the-. 3t can ,e su%%le or rigid! ,enign or -alignant! o%en orclosed. 3ts %oer lies in its looseness. 3t is a,le to co-,ine!

reco-,ine and %er-utate in hundreds of unforeseea,le a&s. 3t

-eta-or%hoses and the constanc& of its rate and +ind of change is

hat gi*es us a sense of identit&.

Actuall&! hen the %ersonalit& is rigid to the %oint of ,eing una,le

to change in reaction to changing circu-stances / e sa& that it is

disordered. A %ersonalit& disorder is the ulti-ate -isidentification.


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The indi*idual -ista+es his ha,its for his identit&. He identifies

hi-self ith his en*iron-ent! ta+ing ,eha*ioural! e-otional! and

cogniti*e cues e@clusi*el& fro- it. His inner orld is! so to s%ea+!

*acated! inha,ited! as it ere! ,& the a%%arition of his True 4elf.

4uch a %erson is inca%a,le of lo*ing and of li*ing. The %ersonalit&

disordered sees no distinction ,eteen his self and his ha,its. He34 his ha,its and! therefore! ,& definition! can onl& rarel& and ith

an incredi,le a-ount of e@ertion! change the-. And! in the long7

ter-! he is inca%a,le of li*ing ,ecause life is a struggle TO5A)D4!

a stri*ing! a dri*e AT so-ething. 3n other ords: life is change. He

ho cannot change is not reall& ali*e.

Malignant 4elf7'o*e / Narcissis- )e*isited as ritten under

e@tre-e conditions of duress. 3t as co-%osed in (ail as 3 as

tr&ing to understand hat had hit -e. M& nine &ears old -arriage

dissol*ed! -& finances ere in a shoc+ing condition! -& fa-il&estranged! -& re%utation ruined! -& %ersonal freedo- se*erel&

curtailed. 4lol&! the realisation that it as all -& fault! that 3 as

sic+ and needed hel% %enetrated the decades old defences that 3

erected around -e. This ,oo+ is the docu-entation of a road of

self7disco*er&. 3t as a %ainful %rocess! hich led to nohere. 3 a-

no different / and no healthier / toda& than 3 as hen 3 rote this

,oo+. M& disorder is here to sta&! the %rognosis is %oor and

alar-ing.

The narcissist is an actor in a -onodra-a! &et forced to re-ain,ehind the scenes. The scenes ta+e centre stage! instead. The

narcissist does not cater at all to his on needs. Contrar& to his

re%utation! the narcissist does not lo*e hi-self in an& true sense

of this loaded ord.

He feeds off other %eo%le! ho hurl ,ac+ at hi- an i-age that he

%ro(ects to the-. This is their sole function in his orld: to reflect! to

ad-ire! to a%%laud! to detest / in a ord! to assure hi- that he

e@ists.

Otherise! the& ha*e no right to ta@ his ti-e! energ&! or e-otions/ so he feels.

To ,orro reud9s trilateral -odel! the narcissist9s Ego is ea+!

disorganised and lac+s clear ,oundaries. Man& of the Ego functions

are %ro(ected. The 4u%erego is sadistic and %unishing. The 3d is

unrestrained.

Pri-ar& O,(ects in the narcissist9s childhood ere ,adl& idealised

and internalised.

His o,(ect relations are distraught and destro&ed.


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The first cha%ters offer a detailed! first hand account of hat it is

li+e to ha*e a Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder


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Malignant

Self LoveNarcissism Revisited

The Narcissistic Personality Disorder


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Prin sing?

A %attern of traits and ,eha*iours hich signif& infatuation and

o,session ith one9s self to the e@clusion of all others and theegotistic and ruthless %ursuit of one9s gratification! do-inance and

a-,ition.

Narcissis- is na-ed after the ancient ?ree+ -&th of Narcissus! a

handso-e ?ree+ &outh ho re(ected the des%erate ad*ances of

the n&-%h Echo. 3n %unish-ent of his cruelt&! he as doo-ed to

fall in lo*e ith his on reflection in a %ool of ater. ;na,le to

consu--ate his autoerotic lo*e! he %ined aa& and changed into

the floer that ,ears his na-e to this *er& da&.

*at is NP. >Nar(issisti( Personalit .isorder?@

The A-erican Ps&chiatric Association! ,ased in 5ashington D.C.!

;4A! %u,lishes the Diagnostic and 4tatistical Manual of Mental

Disorders! fourth edition! Te@t )e*ision


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of epath+ $s$a%%+ !e'nnn' !+ ear%+ a&$%thoo& an& present n

aro$s contets(

The 3CD regards NPD as a persona%t+ &sor&er that fts none of

the specfc r$!rcs. 3t relegates it to the categor& Other 4%ecific

Personalit& Disorders together ith the eccentric! haltlose!

i--ature! %assi*e7aggressi*e! and %s&choneurotic %ersonalit&disorders and t&%es.

The D4M s%ecifies nine diagnostic criteria. or NPD to ,e

diagnosed! fi*e


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contradicted! or confronted ,& %eo%le he or she considers

inferior to hi- or her and unorth&.

ore .ata ,o't Pat*ologi(al Nar(issists

K Most narcissists


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,eha*iours


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Bi,liogra*

1. Alford! C. red. Narcissis-: 4ocrates! the ran+furt 4chool and

Ps&choanal&tic Theor&. Ne Ha*en and 'ondon! Gale ;ni*ersit&

Press! 1

". De*ereu@! ?eorge. asic Pro,le-s of Ethno7Ps&chiatr&.

;ni*ersit& of Chicago Press! 1#

$. air,airn! 5. ). D. An O,(ect )elations Theor& of the

Personalit&. Ne Gor+! asic oo+s! 1

. reud 4. Three Essa&s on the Theor& of 4e@ualit&


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1Q. Flein! Melanie. The 5ritings of Melanie Flein. )oger Mone&7

F&rle


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Malignant

Self LoveNarcissism Revisited

Overview

#*is se(tion (ontains roAessional ter


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CHAPTE) 3

#*e So'l oA a Nar(issist

#*e State oA t*e rt

5e all lo*e oursel*es. That see-s to ,e such an instincti*el& true

state-ent that e do not ,other to e@a-ine it -ore thoroughl&. 3n

our dail& li*es / in lo*e! in ,usiness! in other areas of life / e act

on this %re-ise. Get! u%on closer ins%ection! it loo+s sha+ier.

4o-e %eo%le e@%licitl& state that the& do not lo*e the-sel*es at

all. Others confine their lac+ of self7lo*e to certain traits! to their

%ersonal histor&! or to so-e of their ,eha*iour %atterns. Get others

feel content ith ho the& are and ith hat the& are doing.

ut one grou% of %eo%le see-s distinct in its -ental constitution/ narcissists.

According to the legend of Narcissus! this ?ree+ ,o& fell in lo*e

ith his on reflection in a %ond. 3n a a&! this a-%l& su-s u% the

nature of his na-esa+es: narcissists. The -&thological Narcissus

re(ected the ad*ances of the n&-%h Echo and as %unished ,&

Ne-esis. Consigned to %ine aa& as he fell in lo*e ith his on

reflection / e@actl& as Echo had %ined aa& for hi-. Ho a%t.

Narcissists are %unished ,& echoes and reflections of their

%ro,le-atic %ersonalities u% to this *er& da&.The& are said to ,e in lo*e ith the-sel*es.

ut this is a fallac&. Narcissus is not in lo*e ith H3M4E'. He is

in lo*e ith his )E'ECT3ON.

There is a -a(or difference ,eteen one9s True 4elf and

reflected7self.

'o*ing &our True 4elf is health&! ada%ti*e and functional.

'o*ing a reflection has to -a(or dra,ac+s:

1. One de%ends on the e@istence and a*aila,ilit& of a reflection to

%roduce the e-otion of self7lo*e.

". The a,sence of a co-%ass! an o,(ecti*e and realistic

&ardstic+! ,& hich to (udge the authenticit& of the reflection.


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3n other ords! it is i-%ossi,le to tell hether the reflection is

true to realit& / and! if so! to hat e@tent.

The %o%ular -isconce%tion is that narcissists lo*e the-sel*es. 3n

realit&! the& direct their lo*e to other %eo%le9s i-%ressions of the-.

He ho lo*es onl& i-%ressions is inca%a,le of lo*ing hu-ans!

hi-self included.ut the narcissist does %ossess the in7,red desire to lo*e and to

,e lo*ed. 3f he cannot lo*e hi-self / he -ust lo*e his reflection. ut

to lo*e his reflection / it -ust ,e lo*ea,le. Thus! dri*en ,& the

insatia,le urge to lo*e


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(ealousl& and fiercel&. He %rotects hat he %ercei*es to constitute

his inde%endence.

5h& should %eo%le indulge the narcissist> And hat is the

e*olutionar&! sur*i*al *alue of %referring one +ind of lo*e The narcissist9s anser is

si-%le: ,ecause he is entitled to it. He feels that he deser*es

hate*er he succeeds to e@tract fro- others and -uch -ore.

Actuall&! he feels ,etra&ed! discri-inated against and

under%ri*ileged ,ecause he ,elie*es that he is not ,eing treated

fairl&! that he should get -ore than he does.

There is a discre%anc& ,eteen his infinite certaint& that his is as%ecial status orth& of recurrent %raise and adoration! re%lete ith

s%ecial ,enefits and %rerogati*es / and the actual state of his

affairs. To the narcissist! this status of uniqueness is ,estoed

u%on hi- not ,& *irtue of his achie*e-ents! ,ut -erel& ,ecause he

e@ists. His -ere e@istence is sufficientl& unique to arrant the +ind

of treat-ent that he e@%ects to get fro- the orld. Herein lies a

%arado@! hich haunts the narcissist: he deri*es his sense of

uniqueness fro- the *er& fact that he e@ists and he deri*es his

sense of e@istence fro- his ,elief that he is unique.Clinical data sho that there is rarel& an& realistic ,asis for these

grandiose notions of greatness and uniqueness.

4o-e narcissists are high achie*ers ith %ro*en trac+ records.

4o-e of the- are %illars of their co--unities. Mostl&! the& are

d&na-ic and successful. 4till! the& are ridiculousl& %o-%ous and

inflated %ersonalities! ,ordering on the farcical and %ro*o+ing

resent-ent.

The narcissist is forced to use other %eo%le in order to feel that he

e@ists. 3t is trough their e&es and through their ,eha*iour that heo,tains %roof of his uniqueness and grandeur. He is a ha,itual

%eo%le7(un+ie. 5it h ti-e! he co-es to regard those around hi- as

-ere instru-ents of gratification! as to7di-ensional cartoon

figures ith negligi,le lines in the scri%t of his -agnificent life.

He ,eco-es unscru%ulous! ne*er ,othered ,& the constant use

he -a+es of his -ilieu! indifferent to the consequences of his

actions! the da-age and the %ain that he inflicts on others and

e*en the social conde-nation and sanctions that he often has to

endure.5hen a %erson %ersists in a d&sfunctional! -alada%ti*e or %lain

useless ,eha*iour des%ite gra*e re%ercussions to hi-self and to

his surroundings / e sa& that his acts are co-%ulsi*e. The


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narcissist is co-%ulsi*e in his %ursuit of Narcissistic 4u%%l&. This

lin+age ,eteen narcissis- and o,sessi*e7co-%ulsi*e disorders

sheds light on the -echanis-s of the narcissistic %s&che.

The narcissist does not suffer fro- a fault& sense of causation.

He is not o,li*ious to the li+el& outco-es of his actions and to the

%rice he -a& ha*e to %a&. ut he doesn9t care.A %ersonalit& hose *er& e@istence is a deri*ati*e of its reflection

in other %eo%le9s -inds / is %erilousl& de%endent on these %eo%le9s

%erce%tions. The& are the source of its Narcissistic 4u%%l&


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e-%ath&! he thin+s utilit&! and he reduces others to -ere

instru-ents.

3f the& cease to function! if / no -atter ho inad*ertentl& / the&

cause hi- to dou,t this illusor&! half7,a+ed! self7estee- / the&

,eco-e the su,(ect of a reign of terror. The narcissist then

%roceeds to hurt these insu,ordinates. He ,elittles and hu-iliatesthe-. He dis%la&s aggression and *iolence in -&riad for-s. His

,eha*iour -eta-or%hesises! +aleidosco%icall&! fro- o*er7*aluation

of the useful other / to a se*ere de*aluation of sa-e. The narcissist

a,hors! al-ost %h&siologicall&! %eo%le (udged ,& hi- to ,e

useless.

These ra%id alterations ,eteen a,solute o*er*aluation


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,arren landsca%e of -iser& and fears that constitutes his soul. His

tu-ultuous ,eha*iour co*ers u% for a su,-issi*e! de%ressed

interior.

Ho can such contrasts coe@ist>

reud


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realises that he is no -ore than a to&! an instru-ent! a -eans to an

end / his %arents9 gratification.

This shoc+ing re*elation defor-s the ,udding Ego. The child

for-s a strong de%endence


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The father %artici%ates in the da&7to7da& care! is an intellectual

catal&st! ho encourages the child to de*elo% his interests and to

satisf& his curiosit& through the -ani%ulation of *arious instru-ents

and ga-es. He is a source of authorit& and disci%line! a ,oundar&

setter! enforcing and encouraging %ositi*e ,eha*iours and

eli-inating negati*e ones. He also %ro*ides e-otional su%%ort andecono-ic securit&! thus sta,ilising the fa-il& unit. inall&! he is the

%ri-e source of -asculine orientation and identification to the -ale

child / and gi*es ar-th and lo*e as a -ale to his daughter!

ithout e@ceeding the sociall& %er-issi,le li-its.

5e can safel& sa& that the narcissist9s fa-il& is as se*erel&

disordered as he is. Pathological narcissis- is largel& a reflection of

this d&sfunction. This en*iron-ent ,reeds self7dece%tion. The

narcissist9s internal dialogue is 3 do ha*e a relationshi% ith -&

%arents. 3t is -& fault / the fault of -& e-otions! sensations!aggressions and %assions / that this relationshi% is not or+ing. 3t

is! therefore! -& res%onsi,ilit& to -a+e a-ends. 3 ill construct a

narrati*e in hich 3 a- ,oth lo*ed and %unished. 3n this scri%t! 3 ill

allocate roles to -&self and to -& %arents. This a&! e*er&thing ill

,e fine and e ill all ,e ha%%&.

Thus starts the c&cle of o*er7*aluation


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E*en then! the thera%& sessions rese-,le a ,attlefield. The

narcissist is aloof and distanced! de-onstrates his su%eriorit& in a

-&riad of a&s! resents hat he %ercei*es to ,e an intrusion on his

inner-ost sanctu-. He is offended ,& an& hint regarding defects or

d&sfunctions in his %ersonalit& or in his ,eha*iour. A narcissist is a

narcissist is a narcissist / e*en hen he as+s for hel% ith his orldand orld*ie shattered.

endi5 ) ",je(t Relations #*eories and Nar(issis

The anser is: it de%ends. Health& narcissis- is a -ature!

,alanced lo*e of oneself cou%led ith a sta,le sense of self7orth

and self7estee-. Health& narcissis- i-%lies +noledge of one9s

,oundaries and a %ro%ortionate and realistic a%%raisal of one9s

achie*e-ents and traits. Pathological narcissis- is rongl&

descri,ed as too -uch health& narcissis-


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That the narcissist functions at all / is ,ecause of his %atholog&

and than+s to it. The alternati*e is co-%lete deco-%ensation and

integration.

3n ti-e! the narcissist learns ho to le*erage his %atholog&! ho

to use it to his ad*antage! ho to de%lo& it in order to -a@i-ise

,enefits and utilities / in other ords! ho to transfor- his curseinto a ,lessing.

Narcissists are o,sessed ,& delusions of fantastic grandeur and

su%eriorit&. As a result the& are *er& co-%etiti*e. The& are strongl&

co-%elled / here others are -erel& -oti*ated. The& are dri*en!

relentless! tireless! and ruthless. The& often -a+e it to the to%. ut

e*en hen the& do not / the& stri*e and fight and learn and cli-,

and create and thin+ and de*ise and design and cons%ire. aced

ith a challenge / the& are li+el& to do ,etter than non7narcissists.

Get! e often find that narcissists a,andon their efforts in -id7strea-! gi*e u%! *anish! lose interest! de*alue for-er %ursuits! or

slu-%. 5h& is that>

A challenge! or e*en a guaranteed e*entual triu-%h / are

-eaningless in the a,sence of onloo+ers. The narcissist needs an

audience to a%%laud! affir-! recoil! a%%ro*e! ad-ire! adore! fear! or

e*en detest hi-. He cra*es the attention and de%ends on the

Narcissistic 4u%%l& onl& others can %ro*ide. The narcissist deri*es

sustenance onl& fro- the outside / his e-otional innards are

hollo and -ori,und.The narcissist9s enhanced %erfor-ance is %redicated on the

e@istence of a challenge


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)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON 1

#*e Nar(issists Rea(tion to .eAi(ientNar(issisti( S'l

Question: Ho does the narcissist react hen not in recei%t ofsufficient Narcissistic 4u%%l&>

ns!er:8er& -uch as a drug addict ould react to the a,sence of

his %articular drug. The narcissist constantl& consu-es


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con*entions. His for-er co-%liance gi*es a& to o%en ithdraal


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Narcissists often e@%erience ,rief! deco-%ensator& %s&chotic

e%isodes hen their %s&che is disasse-,led / either deli,eratel& in

thera%& or folloing a life7crisis acco-%anied ,& a -a(or narcissistic

in(ur&.

These %s&chotic e%isodes -a& ,e closel& allied to another

feature of narcissis-: -agical thin+ing. Narcissists are li+e childrenin this sense. Man&! for instance! full& ,elie*e in to things: that

hate*er ha%%ens / the& ill %re*ail and that good things ill

ala&s ha%%en to the-. 3t is -ore than a ,elief! reall&. Narcissists

(ust FNO5 it! the sa-e a& one +nos gra*it& / directl&!

i--ediatel& and surel&.

The narcissist ,elie*es that! no -atter hat he does! he ill

ala&s ,e forgi*en! ala&s %re*ail and triu-%h! ala&s co-e on

to%. The narcissist is! therefore! fearless in a -anner %ercei*ed ,&

others to ,e ,oth ad-ira,le and insane. He attri,utes to hi-selfdi*ine and cos-ic i--unit& / he cloa+s -&self in it! it renders hi-

in*isi,le to his ene-ies and to the %oers of e*il. 3t is a childish

%hantas-agoria / ,ut to the narcissist it is *er& real.

The narcissist +nos ith religious certaint& that good things ill

ha%%en to hi-. 5ith equal certitude! the -ore self7aare of the-

+no that the& ill squander their good fortune ti-e and again in a

,ede*illed effort to defeat the-sel*es.

4o! no -atter hat serendi%it&! hat luc+& circu-stance! hat

,lessing the narcissist recei*es / he ala&s stri*es ith ,lind fur& todeflect the-! to defor- and to ruin.

)eturn


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)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON 1Q

#*e .el'sional a "'t

Question:5hen -& hus,and goes through a ,ad s%ot! he shuts

hi-self in his den all da& long! doesn9t tal+ to an&one! (ust surfs the

5e,. 3s this t&%ical> 4hould 3 ,e orried>

ns!er: The stud& of narcissis- is a centur& old and the to

scholarl& de,ates central to its conce%tion are still undecided. 3s

there such a thing as HEA'THG adult narcissis-


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-issing altogether. The child turned adult sees no reason to in*est

in his s+ills and education! con*inced that his inherent genius

should suffice. He feels entitled for -erel& ,eing! rather than for

actuall& doing


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The narcissist constructs a narrati*e in hich he figures as the hero

/ ,rilliant! %erfect! irresisti,l& handso-e! destined for great things!

entitled! %oerful! ealth&! the centre of attention! etc. The ,igger

the strain on this delusional charade / the greater the ga% ,eteen

fantas& and realit& / the -ore the delusion coalesces and solidifies.

inall&! if it is sufficientl& %rotracted! it re%laces realit& and thenarcissist9s realit& test deteriorates. He ithdras his ,ridges and

-a& ,eco-e 4chiot&%al! catatonic! or schioid.

#*e Realit Reno'n(ing Sol'tions

The narcissist renounces realit&. To his -ind! those ho

%usillani-ousl& fail to recognise his un,ound talents! innate

su%eriorit&! o*erarching ,rilliance! ,ene*olent nature! entitle-ent!

cos-icall& i-%ortant -ission! %erfection! etc. / do not deser*e

consideration. The narcissist9s natural affinit& ith the cri-inal / hislac+ of e-%ath& and co-%assion! his deficient social s+ills! his

disregard for social las and -orals / no eru%ts and ,losso-s.

He ,eco-es a full fledged antisocial


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#*e Paranoid ggressive >$5losive? Sol'tion

Other narcissists ho de*elo% %ersecutor& delusions! resort to an

aggressi*e stance! a -ore *iolent resolution of their internal

conflict. The& ,eco-e *er,all&! %s&chologicall&! situationall&


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The narcissist %ro(ects onto this second class of lesser

%ersecutors his on deleterious e-otions and transfor-ed

aggression: hatred! rage! and seething (ealous&.

The narcissist9s %aranoid strea+ is li+eliest to eru%t hen he lac+s

Narcissistic 4u%%l&. The regulation of his la,ile sense of self7orth

is de%endent u%on e@ternal sti-uli / adoration! adulation!affir-ation! a%%lause! notoriet&! fa-e! infa-&! and! in general!

attention of an& +ind.

5hen such attention is deficient! the narcissist co-%ensates ,&

confa,ulating. He constructs ungrounded narrati*es in hich he is

the %rotagonist and uses the- to force his hu-an en*iron-ent into

co-%licit&.

Put si-%l&! he %ro*o+es %eo%le to %a& attention to hi- ,&

-is,eha*ing or ,eha*ing oddl&.

Inti


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)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON 1

#*e ;nsta,le Nar(issist

Question: 3s the narcissist characterised ,& insta,ilities in all the

i-%ortant as%ects of his life at the sa-e ti-e>

ns!er:A narcissist is a %erson ho deri*es his Ego


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e@a-s and feels that he is on a %er-anent trial. To forget -aterial

studied onl& in %re%aration for an e@a-ination or for a court

a%%earance is nor-al. 4hort -e-or& storage is a %erfectl&

co--on ,eha*iour. 5hat sets the narcissist a%art fro- others is

the fact that for hi- this is a CON4TANT state of affairs and that it

affects A'' his functions! not onl& those directl& related to learning!or to e-otions! or to e@%erience! or to an& single di-ension of his

life. Thus! the narcissist learns! re-e-,ers and forgets not in line

ith his real interests or ho,,ies! he lo*es and hates not the real

su,(ects of his e-otions ,ut one di-ensional! utilitarian! cartoons

constructed ,& hi-. He (udges! %raises and conde-ns / all fro-

the narroest %ossi,le %oint of *ie: that of the %otential a-ount of

Narcissistic 4u%%l&. He as+s not hat he can do ith the orld and

in it / ,ut hat can the orld do for hi- as far as Narcissistic

4u%%l& goes. He falls in and out of lo*e ith %eo%le! or+%laces!residences! *ocations! ho,,ies! interests / ,ecause the& see- to

,e a,le to %ro*ide -ore or less Narcissistic 4u%%l& and onl&

,ecause of that.

4till! narcissists ,elong to to ,road categories: the

co-%ensator& sta,ilit& and the enhancing insta,ilit& t&%es.

"# Com$ensatory Sta%ility &'Classic'( Narcissists

These narcissists isolate one or -ore


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Another / e*en -ore co--on / case is the career narcissist.

This narcissist -arries! di*orces and re-arries ith di&ing s%eed.

E*er&thing in his life is in constant flu@: friends! e-otions!

(udge-ents! *alues! ,eliefs! %lace of residence! affiliations!

ho,,ies. E*er&thing! that is! e@ce%t his or+. His career is the

island of co-%ensating sta,ilit& in his *olatile e@istence. This +ind ofnarcissist doggedl& %ursues it ith un-itigated a-,ition and

de*otion. He %erse*eres in one or+%lace or one (o,! %atientl&!

%ersistentl& and ,lindl& cli-,ing u% the ladder or treading the career

%ath. 3n his %ursuit of (o, fulfil-ent and achie*e-ents! the narcissist

is ruthless and unscru%ulous / and! *er& often! -ost successful.

""# Enhancing "nsta%ility &')orderline'( Narcissist

The other +ind of narcissist enhances insta,ilit& in one as%ect or

di-ension of his life / ,& introducing insta,ilit& in others. Thus! ifsuch a narcissist resigns


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others. 4tanding in line is a aste of ti-e ,etter s%ent %ursuing

+noledge! in*enting and creating. The narcissist should a*ail

hi-self of the ,est -edical treat-ent %roffered ,& the -ost

%ro-inent -edical authorities / lest the asset that he is lost to

Man+ind. He should not ,e ,othered ith tri*ial %ursuits / these

lol& functions are ,est assigned to the less gifted. The de*il is in%a&ing %recious attention to detail.

Entitle-ent is so-eti-es (ustified in a Picasso or an Einstein. ut

fe narcissists are either. Their achie*e-ents are grotesquel&

inco--ensurate ith their o*erhel-ing sense of entitle-ent and

ith their grandiose self7i-age.

Of course! the feeling of su%eriorit& often ser*es to -as+ a

cancerous co-%le@ of inferiorit&. Moreo*er! the narcissist infects

others ith his %ro(ected grandiosit& and their feed,ac+ constitutes

the edifice u%on hich he constructs his self7estee-. He regulateshis sense of self orth ,& rigidl& insisting that he is a,o*e the

-adding crod hile deri*ing his Narcissistic 4u%%l& fro- this *er&

source.

ut there is a second angle to this a,horrence of the %redicta,le.

Narcissists e-%lo& a host of E-otional 3n*ol*e-ent Pre*ention

Measures


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4uch a narcissist reacts ith alar- and rage to an& sign of

inde%endence and autono-& in his charges. He tries to freee

e*er&one around hi- in their allocated %ositions and assigned

roles. His orld is rigid and i--o*a,le! %redicta,le and static! full&

under his control. He %unishes for transgressions against this

ordained order. He thus stifles life as a d&na-ic %rocess ofco-%ro-ising and groing / rendering it instead a -ere theatre! a

ta,leau *i*ant.

The other t&%e of narcissist a,hors -onoton& and constanc&!

equating the-! in his -ind! ith death. He see+s u%hea*al! dra-a!

and change / ,ut onl& hen the& confor- to his %lans! designs!

and *ies of the orld and of hi-self. Thus! he does not encourage

groth in his nearest and dearest. & -ono%olising their li*es! he!

li+e the other +ind of narcissist! also reduces the- to -ere o,(ects!

%ro%s in the e@citing dra-a of his life.This narcissist li+eise rages at an& sign of re,ellion and

disagree-ent. ut! as o%%osed to the first su,7s%ecies! he see+s to

ani-ate others ith his de-ented energ&! grandiose %lans! and

-egalo-aniacal self7%erce%tion. An adrenaline (un+ie! his orld is

a hirlind of co-ings and goings! reunions and se%arations! lo*es

and hates! *ocations ado%ted and discarded! sche-es erected and

dis-antled! ene-ies turned friends and *ice *ersa. His ;ni*erse is

equall& a theatre! ,ut a -ore ferocious and chaotic one.

5here is lo*e in all this> 5here is the co--it-ent to the lo*edone9s elfare! the disci%line! the e@tension of oneself to incor%orate

the ,elo*ed! the -utual groth>

Nohere to ,e seen. The narcissist9s lo*e is hate and fear

disguised / fear of losing control and hatred of the *er& %eo%le his

%recariousl& ,alanced %ersonalit& so de%ends on. The narcissist is

egotisticall& co--itted onl& to his on ell7,eing. To hi-! the

o,(ects of his lo*e are interchangea,le and inferior.

He idealises his nearest and dearest not ,ecause he is s-itten

,& e-otion / ,ut ,ecause he needs to ca%ti*ate the- and tocon*ince hi-self that the& are orth& 4ources of 4u%%l&! des%ite

their flas and -ediocrit&. Once he dee-s the- useless! he

discards and de*alues the- si-ilarl& cold7,loodedl&. A %redator!

ala&s on the loo+out! he de,ases the coin of lo*e as he corru%ts

e*er&thing else in hi-self and around hi-.

)eturn


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)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON "

"t*er Peoles Pain

Question: Do the& actuall& en(o& the taunting! the sadistic

,eha*iour! and the %unish-ent that ala&s follos>

ns!er:Most narcissists en(o& an irrational and ,rief ,urst of reliefafter ha*ing suffered e-otionall&


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5hen the narcissist is angr&! unha%%&! disa%%ointed! in(ured! or

hurt / he feels una,le to e@%ress his e-otions sincerel& and o%enl&

since to do so ould ,e to ad-it his frailt&! his neediness! and his

ea+nesses. He de%lores his on hu-anit& / his e-otions! his

*ulnera,ilit&! his susce%ti,ilit&! his gulli,ilit&! his inadequacies! and

his failures. 4o! he -a+es use of other %eo%le to e@%ress his %ainand his frustration! his %ent u% anger and his aggression. He

achie*es this ,& -entall& torturing other %eo%le to the %oint of

-adness! ,& dri*ing the- to *iolence! ,& reducing the- to scar

tissue in search of outlet! closure! and! so-eti-es! re*enge. He

forces %eo%le to lose their on character traits / and ado%t his on

instead. 3n reaction to his constant and ell7targeted a,use! the&

,eco-e a,usi*e! *engeful! ruthless! lac+ing e-%ath&! o,sessed!

and aggressi*e. The& -irror hi- faithfull& and thus relie*e hi- of

the need to e@%ress hi-self directl&.Ha*ing constructed this rithing hall of hu-an -irrors! the

narcissist ithdras. The goal achie*ed! he lets go. As o%%osed to

the sadist! he is no in it! indefinitel&! for the %leasure of it. He

a,uses and trau-atises! hu-iliates and a,andons! discards and

ignores! insults and %ro*o+es / onl& for the %ur%ose of %urging his

inner de-ons. & %ossessing others! he %urifies hi-self!

catharticall&! and e@orcises his de-ented self.

This acco-%lished! he acts al-ost ith re-orse. An e%isode of

e@tre-e a,use is folloed ,& an act of great care and ,&-ellifluous a%ologies. The narcissistic %endulu- sings ,eteen

the e@tre-es of torturing others and e-%athicall& soothing the

resulting %ain. This incongruous ,eha*iour! these sudden shifts

,eteen sadis- and altruis-! a,use and lo*e! ignoring and

caring! a,andoning and clinging! *iciousness and re-orse! the

harsh and the tender / are! %erha%s! the -ost difficult to

co-%rehend and to acce%t. These sings %roduce in %eo%le

around the narcissist e-otional insecurit&! an eroded sense of self7

orth! fear! stress! and an@iet&


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)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON #

#o ge &it* ra(e

The peranent teptaton of %fe s to conf$se &reas /th rea%t+(

Then peranent &efeat of %fe coes /hen &reas are s$rren&ere&

to rea%t+(

Da


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%retensions and his acco-%lish-ents / the -ore he is the o,(ect of

derision and conte-%t.

Get! fe narcissists sa*e for rain& da&s. e ,other to stud& a

trade! or get a degree! %ursue a career! -aintain a ,usiness! +ee%

their (o,s! or raise functioning fa-ilies! nurture their friendshi%s! or

,roaden their horions. Narcissists are %erenniall& ill7%re%ared.Those ho succeed in their *ocation! end u% ,itterl& alone ha*ing

squandered the lo*e of s%ouse! off7s%ring! and -ates. The -ore

gregarious and fa-il&7orientated / often flun+ at or+! lea% fro-

one (o, to another! relocate erraticall&! fore*er itinerant and

%eri%atetic.

The contrast ,eteen his &outh and %ri-e and his dila%idated

%resent constitutes a %er-anent narcissistic in(ur&. The narcissist

retreats dee%er into hi-self to find solace. He ithdras into the

%enu-,ral uni*erse of his grandiose fantasies. There / al-ost%s&chotic / he sal*es his ounds and co-forts hi-self ith

tro%hies of his %ast.

A rare -inorit& of narcissists acce%t their fate ith fatalis- or

good hu-our. These %recious fe are healed -&steriousl& ,& the

dee%est offence to their -egalo-ania / old age. The& lose their

narcissis- and confront the outer orld ith the %oise and

co-%osure that the& lac+ed hen the& ere ca%ti*es of their on!

distorted! narrati*e.

4uch changed narcissists de*elo% ne! -ore realistic!e@%ectations and ho%es / co--ensurate ith their talents! s+ills!

acco-%lish-ents and education. 3ronicall&! it is in*aria,l& too late.

The& are a*oided and ignored! rendered trans%arent ,& their

chec+ered %ast. The& are %assed o*er for %ro-otion! ne*er in*ited

to %rofessional or social gatherings! cold7shouldered ,& the -edia.

The& are snu,,ed and disregarded. The& are ne*er the reci%ients

of %er+s! ,enefits! or aards. The& are ,la-ed hen not

,la-eorth& and rarel& %raised hen deser*ing. The& are ,eing

constantl& and consistentl& %unished for ho the& ere. 3t is %oetic(ustice in -ore than one a&. The& are ,eing treated narcissisticall&

,& their ersthile *icti-s. The& finall& are tasting their on

-edicine! the ,itter har*est of their rath and arrogance.

Frst p$!%she& on the


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)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON #

#*e Inverted Nar(issist

=th contr!$tons !+ the e!ers of the )arcsss >st

#+$ !LINI!L PI!#;R$ N. .$=$L"P$N#L R""#S )

"P$NIN R$R7S

#er


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The D4M7387T) uses criteria to define the NPD. 3t is sufficient to

%ossess of the- to qualif& as a narcissist. Thus! theoreticall&! it

is %ossi,le to ,e NPD 53THO;T ,eing grandiose. Man&

researchers


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4ources:

or-an! Ma@. Narcissistic Disorders and the Oedi%al i@ations. 3n

eldstein! 2.2.


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K 3s inter%ersonall& e@%loiti*e: ta+es ad*antage of others to

achie*e his on endsL

K Has a grandiose sense of self7i-%ortanceL

K elie*es that his %ro,le-s are unique and can ,e understood

onl& ,& other s%ecial %eo%leL

K 3s %reoccu%ied ith fantasies of unli-ited success! %oer!,rilliance! ,eaut&! or ideal lo*eL

K Has a sense of entitle-ent: an unreasona,le e@%ectation of

es%eciall& fa*oura,le treat-entL

K )equires -uch attention and ad-iration of othersL

K 'ac+s e-%ath&: fails to recognise and e@%erience ho others

feelL

K 3s %reoccu%ied ith feelings of en*&.

This is -ainl& the D4M73337) *ie. Pa& attention to the not so

su,tle changes in the D4M7387T).IMore a,out %athological narcissis- on:

htt%:66sa-*a+.tri%od.co-6n%dglance.ht-l J

#*e Inverted Nar(issist

3t is clear that there is! indeed! an hitherto neglected t&%e of

narcissist. 3t is the self7effacing or intro*erted narcissist. 5e call

it the 3n*erted Narcissist


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*oices in the for- of a sadistic! ideal! i--ature 4u%erego and

s%end their li*es tr&ing to ,e %erfect! o-ni%otent! o-niscient

and to ,e (udged a success ,& these %arent7i-ages and their

later re%resentations


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ccommodation and ssimilation

The child acco--odates! idealises and internalises the Pri-ar&

O,(ect successfull&. This -eans that the child9s internal *oice is

narcissistic and that the child tries to co-%l& ith its directi*es and

ith its e@%licit and %ercei*ed ishes. The child ,eco-es a

-asterful %ro*ider of Narcissistic 4u%%l&! a %erfect -atch to the%arent9s %ersonalit&! an ideal source! an acco--odating!

understanding and caring caterer to all the needs! hi-s! -ood

sings and c&cles of the narcissist! an endurer of de*aluation and

idealisation ith equani-it&! a su%er, ada%ter to the narcissist9s

orld *ie! in short: the ulti-ate e@tension. This is hat e call an

in*erted narcissist.

5e -ust not neglect the a,usi*e as%ect of such a relationshi%.

The narcissistic %arent ala&s alternates ,eteen idealisation of his

%rogen& and its de*aluation. The child is li+el& to internalise thede*aluing! a,usi*e! de-eaning! ,erating! di-inishing! -ini-ising!

u%,raiding! chastising *oices. The %arent


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5e ca-e u% ith a D4M7387T) st&le in*entor& for an in*erted

narcissist! using the narcissists9 characteristics as a te-%late!

,ecause the& are! in -an& a&s to sides of the sa-e coin! or the

-ould and the -oulded hence -irror narcissist or in*erted

narcissist.

The narcissist tries to -erge ith an idealised ,ut ,adl&internalised o,(ect. He does so ,& digesting the -eaningful others

in his life and transfor-ing the- into e@tensions of his self. He

e-%lo&s *arious techniques to achie*e this. To the digested this is

the cru@ of the harroing e@%erience called li*ing ith a narcissist.

The in*erted narcissist


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*reocc$pe& /th fantases of $n%te& s$ccess po/er !r%%ance

an& !ea$t+ or of an &ea% of %oe(

This is the sa-e as the D4M7387T) criterion for Narcissistic

Personalit& Disorder ,ut! ith the 3N! it -anifests a,solutel&

differentl&! i.e. the cogniti*e dissonance is shar%er here ,ecause

the 3N is so a,solutel& and co-%letel& con*inced of their

orthlessness that these fantasies of grandeur are e@tre-el&

%ainful dissonances.

5ith the narcissist! the dissonance e@ists on to le*els:

eteen the ;NCON4C3O;4 feeling of lac+ of sta,le self7orth

and the grandiose fantasies AND ,eteen the grandiose fantasies

and realit&


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,ean&s anon+t+ n the sense of see"n' to rean ec%$&e& at

a%% costs an& s ntense%+ rrtate& an& $ncoforta!%e /th an+

attenton !en' pa& to h . s%ar to the


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The in*erted narcissist does not suffer fro- a -ilder for- of

narcissis-. 'i+e the classic narcissists! it has degrees and

shades. ut it is -uch -ore rare and the D4M7387T) *ariet& is the

-ore %re*alent.

The in*erted narcissist is lia,le to react ith rage hene*er

threatened! orSS5hen en*ious of other %eo%le9s achie*e-ents! their a,ilit& to

feel holeness! ha%%iness! reards and successes! hen his

sense of self7orthlessness is enhanced ,& a ,eha*iour! a

co--ent! an e*ent! hen his lac+ of self7orth and *oided self7

estee- is TH)EATENED. Thus! this t&%e of narcissist -ight

sur%risingl& react *iolentl& or rage7full& to ?OOD things: a +ind

re-ar+! a -ission acco-%lished! a reard! a co-%li-ent! a

%ro%osition! a se@ual ad*ance=.

S5hen thin+ing a,out the %ast! hen e-otions and -e-oriesare e*o+ed


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u%,ringing. 5hereas the reactions of nor-al %eo%le to narcissistic

,eha*iour %atterns IN?

The 3N is! usuall&! e@ceedingl& and %ainfull& sh& as a child. Des%ite

this social %ho,ia! his grandiosit&


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K ?et tre-endous %ersonal satisfaction out of endlessl& gi*ing.

This one -a& not ,e attracti*e to &ou! ,ut it is a ta+e it or lea*e

it %ro%osition.

K e a,solutel& e-otionall& and financiall& inde%endent of the

narcissist. Ta+e hat &ou need: the e@cite-ent and engulf-ent


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Don9t e@%ect that &ou ill cogniti*el& ,e a,le to reason ith the

narcissist to change ho the& are. Gou -a& ha*e so-e li-ited

success in getting &our narcissist to tone don on the reall&

har-ful ,eha*iours THAT AECT GO;! hich e-anate fro-

the unchangea,le 5HAT the narcissist is. This can onl& ,e

acco-%lished in a *er& trusting! fran+ and o%en relationshi%.5e fir-l& ,elie*e that it is onl& the in*erted narcissist ho can

ha*e a reasona,l& good! long lasting relationshi% ith the

narcissist. Gou -ust ,e %re%ared to gi*e &our narcissist a 'OT of

s%ace and leea&.

Gou don9t reall& e@ist for the- as a full& realised %erson / no one

does. The& are not full& realised %eo%le so the& cannot %ossi,l&

ha*e the s+ills! no -atter ho s-art or se@&! to ,e a co-%lete

%erson in the sense that -ost adults are co-%lete.

So


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The in*erted narcissist is a %erson ho gre u% enthralled ,& the

narcissistic %arent. This %arent engulfed and su,su-ed the child9s

,eing to such an o*er7,earing e@tent that the child9s %ersonalit& as

irre*oca,l& sha%ed ,& this engulf-ent! da-aged ,e&ond ho%e of

re%air. The child as not e*en a,le to de*elo% defence

-echanis-s such as narcissis-.The end result is an in*erted narcissistic %ersonalit&. The traits of

this %ersonalit& are %ri-aril& e*ident in relationshi% conte@ts. The

child as conditioned ,& the narcissistic %arent to onl& ,e entitled to

feel hole! useful! %roducti*e! co-%lete hen the child aug-ented

or -irrored to the %arent their on sought after narcissistic i-age.

As a result the child is sha%ed ,& this engulf-ent and cannot feel

co-%lete in an& significant adult relationshi% unless the& are ith a

narcissist.

The "n*erted Narcissist in

Relationshi$ !ith the Narcissist

The in*erted narcissist is dran to significant relationshi%s ith

other narcissists in his adulthood. These relationshi%s are usuall&

s%ousal %ri-ar& relationshi%s ,ut can also ,e friendshi%s ith

narcissists outside of the %ri-ar& lo*e relationshi%.

3n a %ri-ar& relationshi%! the in*erted narcissist atte-%ts to re7

create the %arent7child relationshi%. The in*ert thri*es on -irroring

to the narcissist his on grandiosit& and in so doing the in*erto,tains his O5N Narcissistic 4u%%l&


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engulf-ent. This can ,e easil& -isread to -ean that the in*ert is

hi-self or herself a so-atic narcissist! ,ut it ould ,e incorrect. The

in*ert can endure &ears of -ini-al se@ual contact ith their

narcissist and still ,e a,le to -aintain the self7delusion of inti-ac&

and engulf-ent. The in*ert finds a -&riad of other a&s to -erge

ith the narcissist! ,eco-ing inti-atel&! though onl& in su%%ortroles! in*ol*ed ith the narcissist9s ,usiness! career! or an& other

acti*it& here the in*ert can feel that the& are needed ,& the

narcissist and indis%ensa,le. The in*ert is an e@%ert at doling out

Narcissistic 4u%%l& and e*en goes as far as %rocuring Pri-ar&

Narcissistic 4u%%l& for their narcissist


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%ea'$eH


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others( ost of $s hae fe%t en+ at anothers s$ccess( Jet ost

peop%e I "no/ see a!%e to oercoe those fee%n's to soe

etent to !e a!%e to f$ncton nora%%+( In a copetton for

eap%e the+ a+ !e &ren to &o ther !est so the+ can /n( For

e the fear of %osn' an& !en' h$%ate& s so ntense that I ao&

copetton cop%ete%+( I a terrfe& of sho/n' peop%e that I carea!o$t &on' /e%% !eca$se ts so shan' for e f I %ose(


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to e to tr+ to cheer e $p or /hateer( ;$t f I n a reasona!%e

oo& an& soeone offers e soethn' 'oo& I a%% too happ+ to

accept tL I &ont hae a sta"e n sta+n' sera!%e(

The Partiality o+ the Condition

I &o a'ree that ts at+pca% or nerte& narcsss not I>,E(;$t ho/ I see t s that ts *ATIA>( The part thats there s $st as

&estr$cte as t s n the t+pca% narcssst( ;$t there are parts

ssn' fro that tota% f$%%!%o/n &sor&er . an& I see that as

hea%th+ act$a%%+( I see t as parts of +se%f that =EE)T nfecte&

!+ the patho%o'+ that are st%% ntact(

In + case I && not &ee%op the oer/eenn' E'o part of the

&sor&er(


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&o$!tn' ther s$ccesss /orth or rea%t+ the+ fee% '$%t+ a!o$t t or

a!o$t ta%"n' a!o$t t !eca$se t h$rts e so $ch(


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tr+n' to &o( An& $%tate%+ I not "&&n' an+one %east of a%%

+se%f(

Sel+2Pity and De$ression

ore se%fpt+ an& &epresson here . not so $ch ra'e( ne of the

thn's that tr''ers + ra'e ore than an+thn' e%se s the na!%t+to contro% another person the na!%t+ to &onate the an& force

+ rea%t+ on the( I fee% potent h$%ate& force& !ac" on +

ept+ se%f( *art of /hat I fee%n' here s en+: that person /ho

cant !e contro%%e& c%ear%+ has a se%f an& I &ont an& I $st hate

the for t( ;$t ts a%so a po/er str$''%e . I /ant to 'et )arcssstc


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I a an nerte& narcssst( It s !eca$se as a ch%& I /as

prnte&Gfate& /th a partc$%ar pattern no%n' re%atonshps( I

/as en'$%fe& so cop%ete%+ !+ + fathers persona%t+ an&

represse& so seere%+ !+ aro$s other factors n + ch%&hoo& that

I sp%+ &&nt &ee%op a reco'nsa!%e persona%t+( I este& p$re%+

as an etenson of + father( I /as hs 'en$s =$n&er"n&( e'nore& + other an& po$re& a%% hs ener'+ an& effort nto e( I

&& not &ee%op f$%%!%o/n secon&ar+ narcsss? I &ee%ope& nto

the perfect other ha%f of the narcsssts o$%&n' e( I !ecae the

perfect ea'er co&epen&ent( An& ths s an prnt a pattern n +

ps+che a /a+ of not re%atn' to the /or%& of re%atonshps !+ on%+

!en' a!%e to tr$%+ re%ate to one person + father an& then one

"n& of person . the narcssst(

e s + perfect %oer + perfect ate a ft that s so s%c" an&

sooth so coforta!%e an& effort%ess so f%%e& /th eann' an&act$a% fee%n's . thats the other thn'( I cannot fee% on + o/n( I

a ncop%ete( I can on%+ fee% /hen I a en'$%fe& !+ another frst

t /as + father an& no/ . /e%% no/ t has to !e a narcssst( )ot

$st an+ narcssst ether( e $st !e ecee&n'%+ sart 'oo&

%oo"n' hae a&e-$ate repro&$cte e-$pent an& soe

"no/%e&'e on ho/ to $se t an& thats a!o$t t(

=hen I a en'$%fe& !+ soeone %"e ths I fee% cop%ete& I can

act$a%%+ FEE>( I a /ho%e a'an( I f$ncton as a s!+% an orac%e an

etenson of the narcssst( s fercest protector hsp$re+orGproc$rer of )


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eor+ of the conersaton /%% coe !ac" to e /h%e I n +

ra'e an& I%% ree!er that the person rea%%+ I< $%nera!%e( I hope

that !+ hearn' oer an& oer that the person act$a%%+ &oes fee%

h$rt !+ /hat I sa+ /h%e n ra'es that I 'ht ree!er that /hen I

a tr''ere& an& ra'n'(


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hae /a%"e& on !oth s&es of the street an& !eca$se I hae

&ee%ope& copn' echanss that protect e rea%%+ -$te /e%% I

can reasona!%+ safe%+ en'a'e n a prar+ ntate re%atonshp

/th a narcssst /tho$t 'ettn' h$rt !+ t(

The rea% =J of t a%% s that I %earne& as a +o$n' ch%& that

!en' eaten a%e !+ a narcssst parent to the pont /here +o$restence s !$t an etenson of hs o/n /as ho/ a%% re%atonshps

o$'ht to /or"( It s a ps+cho%o'ca% prnt . + %oe ap t s

/hat fee%s r'ht to e ntrnsca%%+( A pattern of %n' . I &ont "no/

ho/ e%se to &escr!e t so +o$ an& others /%% $n&erstan& ho/ er+

nat$ra% an& nora% ths s for e( It s not the tort$ro$s estence

that ost of the s$rors of narcsss are reco$ntn' on ths %st(

+ eperences /th narcsssts to e AE )A> for e(

Coforta!%e %"e an o%& par of s%ppers that ft perfect%+( I &ont

epect an+ peop%e to attept to &o ths to a"e these%es ntoths "n& of person( I &ont thn" an+one co$%& f the+ tre&(

It s + nee& to !e en'$%fe& an& er'e& that &res e to these

re%atonshps an& /hen I 'et those nee&s et I fee% ore nora%

!etter a!o$t +se%f( I a the o$ter etenson of the narcssst( In

an+ /a+s I a a an'$ar& a p$!%c t/o/a+ /arnn' s+ste

ferce%+ &efen&n' + narcssst fro har an& ferce%+ %o+a% to

h catern' to hs eer+ nee& n or&er to protect hs fra'%e

estence( These are the &+nacs of + partc$%ar erson of

en'$%fent( I &ont nee& an+one to ta"e care of e( I nee& on%+ to!e nee&e& n ths er+ partc$%ar /a+ !+ a narcssst /ho neta!%+

possesses the a!%t+ to en'$%f n a /a+ that nora% f$%%+ rea%se&

a&$%ts cannot( It s soe/hat para&oca% . I fee% freer an& ore

n&epen&ent /th a narcssst than /tho$t one( I achee ore n

+ %fe /hen I a n ths for of re%atonshp( I tr+ har&er /or"

har&er a ore create thn" !etter of +se%f ece% n ost

eer+ aspect of + %fe(

?I 'o ahea& an& cater to h an& preten& that hs /or&s &ont

h$rt an& %ater I en'a'e n an nterna% f'ht /th +se%f for !en' so

&ane& s$!sse( Its a constant !att%e an& I cant see to

&ec&e /hch oce n + hea& I sho$%& %sten to? I fee% %"e a foo%

+et I /o$%& rather !e a foo% /th h than a %one%+ /e%%ro$n&e&

/oan /tho$t h( Ie often sa& that the on%+ /a+ that /e can

sta+ to'ether s !eca$se /e fee& off of each other( I 'e h

eer+thn' he nee&s an& he ta"es t(


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The on%+ reecton +o$ nee& to fear s the poss!%t+ of %osn' the

narcssst an& f one s &on' eer+thn' e%se r'ht ths s er+

$n%"e%+ to happenL


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If I &sp%a+e& !ehao$r that a&e + KKK %oo" 'oo& to others I

/as nsp&%+ oera%$e&( =hen I &are& !e soethn' other than

/ho she /ante& e to !e the sarcastc crtcs an& tota%

&ea%$aton /as $n!e%ea!%e( J hae rea%

fee%n's /hen +o$ are /th a narcssst( It s +o$r %oe ap t s the

pro'ran' /thn +o$r ps+che( ,oes t nee& to contro% +o$r

!ehao$rH )ot necessar%+( Nno/n' /hat +o$ are can at %east

'e +o$ the opport$nt+ to forecast the effect of an acton !efore+o$ ta"e t(


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=hen I /as frst no%e& /th + cere!ra% narcssst I /as %"e

ths !$t after a/h%e I $st %earne& to !ecoe ore eotona%%+

&stant the $ps an& &o/ns /ere $st too $ch an& fn& eotona%

'ratfcaton /th other peop%e ost%+ 'r% fren&s an& one of t/o

a%e fren&s( I a"e a pont of sa+n' ? that the nert $st !e or

!ecoe eotona%%+ an& fnanca%%+ n&epen&ent f +o$ &ont &oths he /%% eat +o$ $p an& /hen he has fnshe& /th +o$ an& +o$

are nothn' !$t a h$s" +o$ /%% !e epe%%e& fro hs %fe n one !'

ot( It s rea%%+ portant for +o$ to start to ta"e respons!%t+ for

+o$r o/n eotona% /e%%ness /tho$t re'ar& to ho/ he treats +o$(

ee!er that the narcssst has the eotona% at$rt+ of a t/o

+ear o%&L ,ont epect $ch n the /a+ of eotona% &epth or

s$pport n +o$r re%atonshp . he sp%+ s not capa!%e of an+thn'

that sophstcate&(

)eturn


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87/110

True! single genes rarel& account for an& ,eha*iour or trait. An

arra& of coordinated genes is required to e@%lain e*en the -inutest

hu-an %heno-enon. Disco*eries of a ga-,ling gene here and

an aggression gene there are derided ,& the -ore serious and

less %u,licit&7%rone scholars. Get! it ould see- that e*en co-%le@

,eha*iours such as ris+ ta+ing! rec+less dri*ing! and co-%ulsi*esho%%ing ha*e genetic under%innings.

5hat a,out the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder>

3t ould see- reasona,le to assu-e / though! at this stage!

there is not a shred of %roof / that the narcissist is ,orn ith a

%ro%ensit& to de*elo% narcissistic defences. These are triggered ,&

a,use or trau-a during the for-ati*e &ears in infanc& or during

earl& adolescence Isee AB J. & a,use 3 a- referring to a

s%ectru- of ,eha*iours hich o,(ectifies the child and treats it as

an e@tension of the caregi*er


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pert$r!aton n the operaton an& ana'eent of the cop%e

ecos+ste "no/n as patent/or%&( $ans a!sor! ther

enronent an& fee& t n e-$a% eas$res( Ths on'on'

nteracton I< the patent( =e cannot est /tho$t the nta"e of

/ater ar s$a% st$% an& foo&( $r enronent s &efne& !+

o$r actons an& o$tp$t ph+sca% an& enta%(Th$s one $st -$eston the c%assca% &fferentaton !et/een

nterna% an& eterna%(


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ncoens$rate /th the pont of e/ of hs speces . !$t ths

sho$%& not sere to o!sc$re the ss$es an& &era% ratona% &e!ate(

As a res$%t t s %o'ca% to ntro&$ce the noton of poste

a!erraton( Certan h+per or h+po f$nctonn' can +e%& poste

res$%ts an& proe to !e a&apte( The &fference !et/een poste

an& ne'ate a!erratons can neer !e o!ecte( )at$re sora%%+ne$tra% an& e!o&es no a%$es or preferences( It sp%+

ests( =E h$ans ntro&$ce o$r a%$e s+stes pre$&ces an&

prortes nto o$r acttes scence nc%$&e&( It s !etter to !e

hea%th+ /e sa+ !eca$se /e fee% !etter /hen /e are hea%th+(

Crc$%art+ as&e . ths s the on%+ crteron that /e can reasona!%+

ep%o+( If the patent fee%s 'oo& . t s not a &sease een f /e a%%

thn" t s( If the patent fee%s !a& e'o&+stonc $na!%e to f$ncton .

t s a &sease een /hen /e a%% thn" t snt( )ee&%ess to sa+ that I

a referrn' to that +thca% creat$re the f$%%+ nfore& patent( Ifsoeone s sc" an& "no/s no !etter has neer !een hea%th+ .

then hs &ecson sho$%& !e respecte& on%+ after he s 'en the

chance to eperence hea%th(

A%% the attepts to ntro&$ce o!ecte +ar&stc"s of hea%th are

p%a'$e& an& ph%osophca%%+ contanate& !+ the nserton of

a%$es preferences an& prortes nto the for$%a . or !+

s$!ectn' the for$%a to the a%to'ether( ne s$ch attept s to

&efne hea%th as an ncrease n or&er or effcenc+ of processes as

contraste& /th %%ness /hch s a &ecrease n or&er Pncrease ofentrop+ an& n the effcenc+ of processes( =h%e !en' fact$a%%+

&sp$ta!%e ths &+a& a%so s$ffers fro a seres of p%ct a%$e

$&'eents( For nstance /h+ sho$%& /e prefer %fe oer &eathH

r&er to entrop+H Effcenc+ to neffcenc+H

Frst p$!%she& on the


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)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON Q

#*e eaon oA Lang'age

Question: M& ife as diagnosed as a narcissist. 4he tists

e*er&thing and turns it against -e. 4he distorts e*er&thing 3 e*er

said! ignores the conte@t! and e*en in*ent her on endings. 3t is

i-%ossi,le to ha*e a -eaningful con*ersation ith her ,ecause she

on9t co--it to an&thing she sa&s.

ns!er: 3n the narcissist9s surrealistic orld! e*en language is

%athologised. 3t -utates into a ea%on of self7defence! a *er,al

fortification! a -ediu- ithout a -essage! re%lacing ords ith

du%licitous and a-,iguous *oca,les.

Narcissists


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Narcissists! therefore! ne*er tal+ to others / rather! the& tal+ at

others! or lecture the-. The& e@change su,te@ts! ca-ouflage7

ra%%ed ,& ela,orate! florid! te@ts. The& read ,eteen the lines!

s%aning a -ultitude of %ri*ate languages! %re(udices!

su%erstitions! cons%irac& theories! ru-ours! %ho,ias and h&sterias.

Theirs is a soli%sistic orld / here co--unication is %er-ittedonl& ith oneself and the ai- of language is to thro others off the

scent or to o,tain Narcissistic 4u%%l&.

This has %rofound i-%lications. Co--unication through

unequi*ocal! una-,iguous! infor-ation7rich s&-,ol s&ste-s is

such an integral and crucial %art of our orld / that its a,sence is

not %ostulated e*en in the re-otest gala@ies hich grace the s+ies

of science fiction. 3n this sense! narcissists are nothing short of

aliens. 3t is not that the& e-%lo& a different language! a code to ,e

deci%hered ,& a ne reud. 3t is also not the outco-e of u%,ringingor socio7cultural ,ac+ground.

3t is the fact that language is %ut ,& narcissists to a different use /

not to co--unicate ,ut to o,scure! not to share ,ut to a,stain! not

to learn ,ut to defend and resist! not to teach ,ut to %reser*e e*er

less tena,le -ono%olies! to disagree ithout incurring rath! to

criticise ithout co--it-ent! to agree ithout a%%earing to do so.

Thus! an agree-ent ith a narcissist is a *ague e@%ression of

intent at a gi*en -o-ent / rather than the clear listing of long7ter-!

iron7cast and -utual co--it-ents.The rules that go*ern the narcissist9s uni*erse are loo%holed

inco-%rehensi,les! o%en to an e@egesis so ide and so self7

contradictor& that it renders the- -eaningless. The narcissist often

hangs hi-self ,& his on *er,ose ?ordic +nots! ha*ing stu-,led

through a -inefield of logical fallacies and endured self7inflicted

inconsistencies. ;nfinished sentences ho*er in the air! li+e *a%our

a,o*e a se-antic sa-%.

3n the case of the in*erted narcissist! ho as su%%ressed and

a,used ,& o*er,earing caregi*ers! there is the strong urge not tooffend. 3nti-ac& and inter7de%endence are great. Parental or %eer

%ressures are irresisti,le and result in confor-it& and self7

de%recation. Aggressi*e tendencies! strongl& re%ressed in the

social %ressure coo+er! tee- under the *eneer of forced ci*ilit& and

*iolent %oliteness. Constructi*e a-,iguit&! a non7co--ittal

e*er&one is good and right! an ata*istic *ariant of -oral relati*is-

and tolerance ,red of fear and of conte-%t / are all at the ser*ice

of this eternal *igilance against aggressi*e dri*es! at the dis%osal of

a ne*er ending %eace+ee%ing -ission.5ith the classic narcissist! language is used cruell& and

ruthlessl& to ensnare one9s ene-ies! to sa confusion and %anic! to

-o*e others to e-ulate the narcissist


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lea*e the listeners in dou,t! in hesitation! in %aral&sis! to gain

control! or to %unish. 'anguage is ensla*ed and forced to lie. The

language is a%%ro%riated and e@%ro%riated. 3t is considered to ,e a

ea%on! an asset! a %iece of lethal %ro%ert&! a traitorous -istress to

,e gang ra%ed into su,-ission.

5ith cere,ral narcissists! language is a lo*er. The infatuation ithits *er& sound leads to a %&rotechnic t&%e of s%eech hich

sacrifices its -eaning to its -usic. 3ts s%ea+ers %a& -ore attention

to the co-%osition than to the content. The& are se%t ,& it!

into@icated ,& its %erfection! ine,riated ,& the s%iralling co-%le@it&

of its for-s. Here! language is an infla--ator& %rocess. 3t attac+s

the *er& tissues of the narcissist9s relationshi%s ith artistic

fierceness. 3t in*ades the health& cells of reason and logic! of cool

headed argu-entation and le*el headed de,ate.

'anguage is a leading indicator of the %s&chological andinstitutional health of social units! such as the fa-il&! or the

or+%lace. 4ocial ca%ital can often ,e -easured in cogniti*e


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!olle(tive Nar(issis The anser is: it de%ends.

Hu-an collecti*es / states! fir-s! households! institutions!

%olitical %arties! cliques! ,ands / acquire a life and a character all

their on. The longer the association or affiliation of the -e-,ers!

the -ore cohesi*e and confor-ist the inner d&na-ics of the grou%!

the -ore %ersecutor& or nu-erous its ene-ies! the -ore intensi*ethe %h&sical and e-otional e@%eriences of the indi*iduals it is

co-%rised of! the stronger the ,onds of locale! language! and

histor& / the -ore rigorous -ight an assertion of a co--on

%atholog& ,e.

4uch an all7%er*asi*e and e@tensi*e %atholog& -anifests itself in

the ,eha*iour of each and e*er& -e-,er. 3t is a defining / though

often i-%licit or underl&ing / -ental structure. 3t has e@%lanator&

and %redicti*e %oers. 3t is recurrent and in*aria,le / a %attern of

conduct -elded ith distorted cognition and stunted e-otions. Andit is often *ehe-entl& denied.

A %ossi,le D4M7li+e list of criteria for narcissistic organisations or

grou%s:


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An all7%er*asi*e %attern of grandiosit&


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identif& ith or ac+noledge the feelings and needs of other

grou%s. This often leads to anti7social ,eha*iour! co*er7u%s!

and cri-inal acti*ities on a -ass scale.

K The grou% as a hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as

such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation ith the

grou% / are constantl& en*ious of others or ,elie*es that the&feel the sa-e a,out the-. This often leads to anti7social

,eha*iour! co*er7u%s! and cri-inal acti*ities on a -ass scale.

K The grou% as a hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as

such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation ith the

grou% / are arrogant and s%ort haught& ,eha*iours or attitudes

cou%led ith rage hen frustrated! contradicted! %unished!

li-ited! or confronted. This often leads to anti7social ,eha*iour!

co*er7u%s! and cri-inal acti*ities on a -ass scale.

)eturn


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#*e So'seEateEPartner oA t*e Nar(issist

Question: 5hat +ind of a s%ouse6-ate6%artner is li+el& to ,e

attracted to a narcissist>

ns!er:

#*e =i(ti


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The tor-ented life ith the narcissist is! as far as the %artner is

aare! a (ust %uniti*e -easure.

3n this res%ect! the %artner is the -irror i-age of the narcissist.

& -aintaining a s&-,iotic relationshi% ith hi-! ,& ,eing totall&

de%endent u%on the source of -asochistic su%%l&


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frightening and the %artner has onl& one thing to cling to: the

narcissist.

And cling she does. 3f there is an&thing hich can safel& ,e said

a,out those ho e-otionall& tea- u% ith narcissists! it is that the&

are o*ertl& and o*erl& de%endent.

The %artner doesn9t +no hat to do / and this is onl& too naturalin the -a&he- that is the relationshi% ith the narcissist. ut the

t&%ical %artner also does not +no hat she ants and! to a large

e@tent! ho she is and hat she ants to ,eco-e.

These unansered questions ha-%er the %artner9s a,ilit& to

gauge realit&! e*aluate and a%%raise it for hat it is. Her %ri-ordial

sin is that she fell in lo*e ith an i-age! not ith a real %erson. 3t is

the *oiding of the i-age that is -ourned hen the relationshi%

ends.

The ,rea+7u% of a relationshi% ith a narcissist is! therefore! *er&e-otionall& charged. 3t is the cul-ination of a long chain of

hu-iliations and of su,(ugation. 3t is the re,ellion of the functioning

and health& %arts of the %artner9s %ersonalit& against the t&rann& of

the narcissist.

The %artner is lia,le to ha*e totall& -isread and -isinter%reted

the hole interaction ;%on the ,rea+7u%

of the relationshi%! the %artner


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%ri*ac&! to ,e ,rutall& honest! ith a sadistic sense of hu-our! or

consistentl& tactless / is to a,use.

To e@%ect too -uch! to denigrate! to ignore / are all -odes of

a,use. There is %h&sical a,use! *er,al a,use! %s&chological a,use!

se@ual a,use. The list is long.

Most narcissists a,use surre%titiousl&. The& are stealtha,users. Gou ha*e to actuall& li*e ith one in order to itness the

a,use.

There are three i-%ortant categories of a,use:1( ert A!$se/ The o%en and e@%licit a,use of another %erson.

Threatening! coercing! ,eating! l&ing! ,erating! de-eaning!

chastising! insulting! hu-iliating! e@%loiting! ignoring


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Moreo*er! it is often onl& through -ani%ulation and e@tortion that

the narcissist can secure his Narcissistic 4u%%l&. Controlling his

4ources of Narcissistic 4u%%l& is a


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/ ,ut a di&ingl& +aleidosco%ic galler& of e%he-eral i-ages! hich

-elt into each other sea-lessl&. 3t is incredi,l& disorienting.

3t is also e@ceedingl& %ro,le-atic. Pro-ises -ade ,& the

narcissist are easil& disoned ,& hi-. His %lans are transient. His

e-otional ties / a si-ulacru-. Most narcissists ha*e one island of

sta,ilit& in their life

)efuse to acce%t such ,eha*iour. De-and reasona,l&

%redicta,le and rational actions and reactions. 3nsist on res%ect for

&our ,oundaries! %redilections! %references! and %riorities.

Dis$ro$ortional Reactions

One of the fa*ourite tools of -ani%ulation in the narcissist9s arsenalis the dis%ro%ortionalit& of his reactions. He reacts ith su%re-e

rage t

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