Moody 2nd Set of Spots April 2007 Rev SF

8/6/2019 Moody 2nd Set of Spots April 2007 Rev SF

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Moody Spots April 2007

1. Girl In The Mirror

Jeff: Probably just about every guy on earth has been on purse duty while

his woman tries on new clothes at the mall, only to hear her complain that

nothing looks right.

And how many guys have been dressed, sitting on the couch ready to go,

while their woman is in the bathroom working on her tenth hair style?

Shaunti: You men are lucky you dont have to be so high-maintenance!

(Pause)

But listen, guys, we dont change our hairstyle a hundred times or worry

about that extra ten pounds just for vanitys sake. After interviews and

surveys with hundreds of women for our bookFor Men Only, we can showthe guys out there that many of these puzzling or even exasperating

behaviors are just signals of a deep need that women have for their man to

find them beautiful. We are trying to feel beautiful -- and are trying to catch

and keep the attention of our man.

Jeff: Shaunti and I have a little girl, and shell often twirl around in her

costume dress, asking me if I think she is pretty. It obviously means so to

her when I tell her that shes beautiful inside and out. Well, our research

for the book showed me that that little girl still exists inside every woman,and she is still asking the most important man in her life, Am I beautiful?

Shaunti: Our national survey found that almost ninety percent of women

said that hearing their man say they were beautiful made their day, and that a

very large percentage of women say they actually needto hear it.

Jeff: That research showed me just how hearing those words meant to

Shaunti, and I have to confess that I was guilty of saying them all too

infrequently-- but it was honestly because I did not think she needed to hear

it. I thought she already knew how I felt! It was a wake-up call for me tolearn that no matter how successful women are, or how confident they look

on the outside, on the inside they long to hear that they still wow their man.

Shaunti: And since we live in a culture that tells women they have to have

the body of Jessica Simpson in order to be beautiful, many of us as women

doubt that our man could really enjoy our individuality if we dont look like

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a supermodel. In our eyes, our little flaws look like enormous imperfections

that he couldnt possibly love. So getting that affirmation from our man is

even more important.

Jeff: Guys, if you are anything like me, learning this is probably a reality

check. But the good news is, it only takes a moment to let your wife know

she still makes you catch your breath.

The next time your wife looks radiant say so!! And for goodness sake, the

next time she is taking forever to get ready in the bathroom, dont get

annoyed, feel honored that she wants to look her best for you, and thank her.

Give it a try, guys. It works.

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2. Truth About The Way You Look

Shaunti: Okay ladies, how many of us have ever looked at those

supermodel-type women on television and wished that we looked like that

or, worse, worried that our man wont be interested in us if we dont?

Jeff: I can tell the women out there thats not true! I think a lot of us men

can do a better job of reassuring our wife that we dont expect her to look

just like she did on the honeymoon! We dont want the supermodel; we

want her.

Shaunti: The thing is, though, there is something we women need to

consider as well. And Im going to talk directly to the women listening here,

woman-to-woman, since its easier to hear from another girl.

Jeff: Thank you!

Shaunti: Because ladies, when I was researching my bookFor Women Only

including a scientific nationally-representative survey of men all over the

country -- I did find that many of us women have a blind spot about one

important thing. Our men dont want the supermodel on television, but

honestly, there is a big emotional impact when they see their wife being

willing to make the effort to take care of themselves for them. And the

reverse was true most men felt like their wife didnt care about them if she

didnt take care of herself, let herself go, and was overweight and unhappy

about it. But the men also overwhelmingly confirmed that they did notwant

her to be a perfect little size 3!

Jeff: I want to confirm that: its not that your man wants you to be tiny and

flawless: your man loves you no matter what, and appreciates your

individuality. But it is that for whatever reason it makes a man feel

special and cared for to know that his wife is making the effortto take care

of herself for him. Its an amazing gift that you can give him.

Shaunti: On the survey, I actually got brave and asked the men whether they

secretly wanted their wife to look like she did the day they met, or whether

they simply wanted to see that she was making an effort to take care of

herself as she is today. And the overwhelming majority of men said it is the

effort that matters. And we can alldo that! It might sound old-fashioned,but for some of us, it might just mean doing our hair and dressing nice for

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him, not only when were going out to see other people. Personally, I had to

come to terms with the fact that I had never really tried to lose my pregnancy

weight in the years after our kids were born and realize that doing so

would show Jeff how much I cared about him. So I did! No, I dont look

like I did at 20, but Im deeply reassured to know that jeff doesnt expect me

to.

One caution: please do NOT tackle your husband about this no man wants

to risk hurting the feelings of the wife he adores. If there is an issue that you

like me realize that you probably should make an effort on, just give it a

try. Do something proactive today, and see what kind of reaction you get out

of your man. Ill bet you get a pleasant surprise!

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3. Visual Rolodex

Shaunti: Countless women have been walking along through the mall, hand-

in-hand with their man, when they catch him trying not to watch someblonde bombshell in short shorts and a tank top out of the corner of his eye.

It happens so often in our culture, its almost a joke. We see that scenario

played out over and over again on TV in everything from sitcoms to

commercials for breakfast cereal. But in the Christian community, we think

well, that shouldnt affect Christian men. They are never supposed to

notice any woman other than their wife!

Jeff: Oh, boy. On behalf of all the men out there, Im wincing.

Shaunti: And ladies, I can tell you why all the men listening to this are

wincing. Because just because a man is a godly man, all my research

showed that it doesnt wipe that temptation away. They need to fight it

every day especially in this culture. The truth is, a woman who is dressed

in a way that calls attention to a good figure is almost like an ultra-powerful

magnet that tries to draw mens eyes. On my nationally-representative

survey of men forFor Women Only 98% of the men said that they cant notnotice a woman whos dressed that way.

The difference is that so many godly men try soooo hard to avoid that

magnet. Like: Im not-going-to-look! But as long as that eye magnet is

present they are having to work so hard to take their thoughts captive, and

honor God and their wife.

We have to realize a few things here first, the existence of this temptation

doesnt have anything to do with what a man feels about his wife.

Jeff: thats true I know women may have a hard time believing this, but

this isnt a competition! men love their wives, and even a man who wasmarried to a bikini model would still have this temptation simply because

hes a man.

Shaunti: But second, I get a lot of angry emails from women who seem to

think that Im excusing mens sin, and Im not! But there is a major

difference between temptation and sin. jesus was tempted in every way and

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yet without sin! so the issue is what the men choose to do with the

temptation, and that is where so many men work very hard at rising above

those thoughts.

Jeff: I think it would also help women to know what else you found in your

research, that most men dont want this temptation.

Shaunti: One guy put it perfectly, saying, You have to realize: If men

could, most would shut off their temptation to look at other women in a

second. We loathe this temptation as much as our wives do!

We need to realize: They shouldnt be faced with so many women who are

emphasizing their assets, but since they are, we need to pray for our men in

this minefield of a culture. And to honor those men who try hard every day

to keep their thought lives pure.

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4. Her No Doesnt Mean You

SCF: When we were writing both FWO and FMO, we researched and

surveyed thousands of men and women. And I can say with confidence that

there is one phrase women use a lot, that just kills their husbands. Which is

something like: Not tonight dear, I have a headache. Definitely not

something the average husband enjoys hearing.

Jeff: Uh yeah. We as men dont enjoy hearing it, because we think it

means our wife doesnt find us desirable as a man. But our research for

FMO discovered something that might be very helpful to every married

couple that has struggled with this issue. Because what so many men dontunderstand is that when their wife says no, shes notsaying that he is

undesirable.

(Pause)

I think I just lost every guy, so Im going to let Shaunti explain this, from a

womans perspective.

Shaunti: guys, as hard as this is to believe, when your wife says no to sex,

she is not rejecting you as a desirable man. If shes like 96% of the women

on our survey, she still thinks youre desirable but other factors are

interfering at that moment. In fact, it would probably surprise your wife to

know that you might ever question whether she finds you desirable.

Jeff: See, for us guys, thats the only thing it could be. Most men indicated

that if their wife is not responding, the only answer they think is that

they are not attractive enough for her.

Shaunti: Instead, the reality borne out by our scientific survey shows that

in most cases thats probably not even part of the equation for most women.

Instead there were two main reasons why women tended to seem lessinterested in physical intimacy, and the primary one was just a

physiological difference. There are actually two different kinds of desire,

and most women have something called receptive desire --which is tied to

estrogen. And a woman with receptive desire is just as interested, enjoys it

just as much when its happening, but isnt ready at a moments notice like

her husband.

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Jeff: What is helpful for husbands to recognize is that although women have

a different type of desire than most men, it doesnt mean they arent

interested. They are! But they just need to be approached differently. And

thankfully, that approach doesnt have anything to do with how much hair

you have on your head, or whether or not you resemble George Clooney.

Shaunti: In most cases, it simply means giving a woman what we call

anticipation time so her brain has a chance to begin thinking about it and

kicking her into that mode before you get to the bedroom that night. Now,this could be sabotaged if the wife is feeling angry toward her husband, and

well talk about that in another segment. But otherwise, a little flirting over

breakfast with a hint of how the husband might want the day to end, goes a

long way toward building a wifes interest and ensuring that they both

approach their time together with eagerness.

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5. Sex Changes Everything

Shaunti: I have a shocking revelation. Everybody hold your breath. After

years of research on both men and women, after three scientific national

surveys and input from thousands of men and women, we have narrowed

down a surprising finding. Ready? Men tend to want more sex than

woman.

(Pause)

Okay, so that is not a shocker. Every wife on the planet knows that our

husbands tend to want more sex. But um what we dont always

understand is why.

Jeff: Now the men listening to you are thinking, what do you mean,

why??? We think the answer is self-evident!

Shaunti: I know guys do, but honestly Im sure there are many women out

there listening right now and nodding their heads in agreement. Why is this

such a big deal to men?

The answer, it turns out, is what it means to them. Until I started doing

research forFor Women Only, I thought that physical intimacy wasprimarily a physical need for a man, and as long as he got it, he would be

happy. My research completely changed my perspective on that.

See, seven out of ten men said that it was extremely important to them that

they feel wanted and desired by their wife not just that they got sex when

they wanted. Actually, almost allmen -- ninety-eight percent! specificallysaid that having that physical intimacy with their wife wasntenough. They

wanted to feel wantedby their wife, not just feel like she was

accommodating his needs, not desiringhim.

In other words its not just a physical need. Its a huge emotional need

that a man cant get met any other way.

Jeff: So much of a guys emotions are wrapped up in his wifes response to

him sexually. In fact, when your wife says no to sex, it feels like a crushing

personal rejection. And its not just when she says no, actually. As Shaunti

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mentioned, if a man feels like his wife is just doing her duty, that is just as

demoralizing.

But by contrast, if we feel desired by our wives, it gives us as men an

incredible sense of well-being and confidence, and believe it or not, that

spills over into virtually everything. Well feel better about ourselves at

work, want to be better husbands everything is affected. I know it must

sound odd to some women, but that is simply the way we are wired.

Shaunti: One husband I interviewed said it like this; Sex is a release of

day-to-day pressuresand seems to make everything else better.

And other husbands confirmed that if a wife seems to lackdesire for them,or only seems to approach physical intimacy as a duty not a delight, that it

also affects how they feel about themselves but this time negatively.

It is tremendous to realize that by our response to them in the bedroom, that

we have a wonderful opportunity to unlock and boost their self-confidence

in every other area of their lives! Ladies, try even approaching him once in awhile, and watch him light up and see if he doesnt become a better

husband all around!

6. The Truth About I Do

Jeff: There is nothing quite as exciting for a guy as when he is trying to win

over the girl of his dreams. He will literally knock himself outto show her

how much he cares for her. Its such a thrilling time!

Then again, nothing beats the rush that comes from her agreeing to marry

you and then hearing her say, I do now thatis the ultimate thrill.

Finally she is all yours forever, and youve closed the deal.

Or so you think

Shaunti: Yeah, uh it is not quite that simple. If only it were! Because

even in a great, secure relationship, we as women need reassurance that we

are loved and cherished -- preferably every day. We may have walked down

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the aisle with you, but deep down, there is a nagging insecurity that always

leaves us wondering did he mean it?

Jeff: Guys are way different. In our minds, there is nothing more concrete

than marrying someone! We wouldnt have married you if we didnt love

you and take our promises seriously, right? See, to us, getting married really

does make it a done deal. It never really occurs to us to question does

she love me? But our wives are just wired very differently.

Men, this is why you might be the slightest bit confused when your wife

keeps asking you if you love her, or takes it very personally when you feel

like being quiet. Or worse yet she wants to talk you while youre

watching ESPN.

Its not justyourwife, though. 80% of the women on our survey said theysometimes dealt with this underground insecurity that asks the question

does he really love me? Its always in the back of her mind, waiting to be

triggered by something.

And once that question or concern is triggered, it doesnt matter that we

should know that we are loved. The painful question is there. We dont

want it there, but it wont go away on its own!

Jeff: By the way, I should tell the guys: once you spot those insecurities,

once you spot the sign that shes questioning does he really love me the

answer is reassurance. Sure, you may think she should know it, but it

appears that because of her wiring, if the doesnt feel it, she needs to be

reassured.

So what are those triggers that can make these insecurities boil over?

Here are a few:

Conflict is an obvious emotional trigger. If your wife feels that you two are

at odds, that is going to make her wonder if your relationship is really OK.

Withdrawal is another biggie. Our first response to conflict is to pull back,

but that sends the message that you are pulling away.

Being absent is another trigger, and it needs little explanation. The less you

are around, the more she wonders why.

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So how do we combat the insecurities? If you argue, let her know you love

her anyway. If you need time alone, explain that its not her. If shes upset,

dont withdraw give her a hug instead. And if she needs to talk about your

relationship, listen without becoming defensive Even when the game is on.

7. Performance Of A Lifetime

Shaunti: One of the common denominators that I found when I was

researching men forFor Women Only, was that no matter how successfuland polished and confident a guy looked on the outside, on the inside there

was a lot of second-guessing going on. They said they may feel like theywant to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but not to be fooled.

Jeff: Youre blowing our cover, Shaunti! Unfortunately, Ill break the news

to the ladies out there: this is so true. Mot guys do feel like they are wingingit. For the most part, even if a guy is out there making like Superman and

leaping tall buildings in a single bound, he is secretly thinking, Gosh, I

hope no one can tell I really have no clue what Im doing!

Shaunti: A huge number of the men I surveyed for my bookFor Women

Only said that exact thing they try to look like they have it all together on

the outside, but on the inside they feel insecure and worry about what others

think of them. Even your corporate ladder-climbers feel the heat. Sixty-

three percent of them said they often feel like theyre out of their league and

hope and pray it doesnt show!

Most wives are confident in their husbands abilities, so why shouldnt hebe? It doesnt make a lot of sense to us, and most of the time, theyve really

got us believing that they are calm and cool.

Jeff: A friend of ours told us that when he is called on to try something new

at work, he may be smiling and nodding at the client, but secretly he is

thinking, I have no earthly idea how to do this, and I hope I can learn itbefore they find out.

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Which doesnt explain why, even though we secretly fear we cantdo

something new, we still wantto try it. Then we start worrying that peoplewill find out that its our first time doing whatever it is! Its like a never-

ending circle of irrational fears.

Shaunti: Which is why affirmation is so important. The wives really have

the power to make or break their husbands here. Men needaffirmation, and

if they dont get it from their wives, they will find itsomewhere.

Sadly, forty-four percent of the men I surveyed said they felt unappreciated

at home, but it doesnt have to be that way. We need to point out our

husbands selling points!

And it probably wont come as any shock to hear that men need sex. I

know, duh, right? But its such a powerful tool in combating their self-doubt.

Jeff: A man can feel inadequate in any other area of his life, but if his wife

affirms him sexually, it can change his entire outlook. Its one of the most

powerful and intimate ways a wife can affirm her husband.

Shaunti: I want to challenge the women that are listening to make a

concerted effort to shower their husbands with as much affirmation and

praise as you can. I can promise you, he will become more confident in his

work, and more loving as a husband.

He can find affirmation anywhere, but he desires it the most from you.

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Moody 2nd Set of Spots April 2007 Rev SF