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Table of Contents
How Couples Lose at Love: Battling Disaffection in Marriage Tim Clinton, Ed.D............................................................................................................................................................ 2
Creating a Win-Win Marriage: Communication, Conflicts and Decisions Eric Scalise, Ph.D............................................................................................................................................................. 7
Love Languages Gary Chapman, Ph.D................................................................................................................................................... 13
The Challenge of Communication John Trent, Ph.D. .......................................................................................................................................................... 18
Module Three
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How Couples Lose at Love:
Battling Disaffection
in Marriage
(Video Presentation)
Tim Clinton, Ed.D.
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Abstract
In order for families to grow and stay healthy the marriage must be a place of safety and security.
This safety and security provides fertile ground to handle the stressors that life is sure to throw at
families. This safe haven must be protected at all costs, and this involves breaking dysfunctional
patterns while creating new Godly methods of engaging.
Learning Objectives
1. Participants will understand how safety in marriage is attacked
2. Participants will identify specific steps couples can take to break negative cycles
3. Participants will explore the elements that need to worked into a safe marriage
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I. “Guilt-Free Drop”
A. All Marriages Will Go Through Times of Disaffection
When you don’t feel close, when it’s not the way it is supposed to be – it happens.
B. Problems Will Never Be the Issue.
C. What You Do With Problems Will Determine the Future Health of Your Marital
Relationship.
II. How Do Couples Lose at Love?
A. Awareness …. Seeing Differently
B. Everyday Pressures that Tear at Love
1. Stress
2. Satanic assaults
3. Scripts form our past
4. “Supposed to be’s”
5. Sin
III. The Cycle of Disaffection
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A. Feels Unsafe, Insecure
B. Raises the Bar (Expectations)
C. Negative Interaction & Emotions Increase
D. The Need to Distance Increases (Self-Preservation)
E. Gottman: To Recover the Relationship, Spouses Start Criticizing Each Other
Leads to Contempt Leads To the “Red Zone”
IV. Result of the Cycle
A. I am:
1. Empty
2. Exhausted
3. Just want someone to love me
B. Polarization
V. Breaking Free
A. Hosea 4:6
B. Awareness
C. Bring Forth an Element of Safety
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D. God Knows What it Means To Be Hurt and Violated, To Feel Alone and to Feel
Unrecognized in a Relationship.
E. God Will Bless You if You Will Be Faithful in Seeing That You Are Called to Love.
VI. Building Safety
A. Judicious Editing
1. 1 Peter 3:9-11
2. 5-20 positive interactions to counteract one negative statement
B. Encourages Soft Love
C. Increases Positive Communication
1. Ephesians 4:29
D. Accept Responsibility
VII. Forgiveness and Grace
A. Healthy marriages take a lot of oil of forgiveness and a lot of grace toward each
other.
B. There Will Be Times in Your Relationship When You Will Need a Lot of
Forgiveness.
C. Ephesians 4:32
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Creating a Win-Win Marriage:
Communication, Conflicts
and Decisions
(Video Presentation)
Eric Scalise, Ph.D.
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Abstract:
Being married can be difficult, and often the most difficulty comes in trying to remain
emotionally connected prior to conflict. Great marriages are built only when each spouse is
willing to give 100% in order to create a win-win relationship. Learn how to incorporate proven
strategies that help foster the right environment for balanced communication, decision-making,
and problem resolution. Biblical principles and insights provide a solid foundation for success.
Learning Objectives
4. Participants will discuss how and why marital conflict arises.
5. Participants will identify specific steps couples can take to resolve conflict and move past
marital difficulties, while fostering the relationship.
6. Participants will explore techniques to resolve disagreements from a biblical perspective.
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I. Introduction
II. Commandment #1:
A. I will Communicate My Expectations and not take it for granted that my spouse
automatically understands what I need or want.
1. Expectations vs. Demands
Don’t force your spouse to be a mind reader.
2. Proverbs 15:2 – “The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable.”
III. Commandment #2:
A. I will Verify My Assumptions so that I have accurate information and feedback.
1. Redundant Communication
2. Verbal vs. Non-verbal Communication
3. Proverbs 14:13a – “Even in laughter the heart may be in pain.”
IV. Commandment #3:
A. I will Strive Toward Understanding my spouse's feelings and thoughts on a matter,
without criticism, before attempting to negotiate or compromise.
1. Understanding vs. Agreement
The tension level drops when understanding is reached.
You do not have to agree on everything to understand.
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2. Principles vs. Preferences
Most conflicts are over preferences.
3. Finding the Overlap
Celebrate your differences.
4. Proverbs 1:5 – “A wise man will hear and increase in learning, and a man of
understanding will acquire wise counsel.”
V. Commandment #4:
A. I will Focus on Resolving the Issues and not attempt to make my spouse or our
relationship the problem.
1. Avoiding the Blame Game
Don’t ever let the relationship become the problem.
Make the problem the problem.
2. Defensiveness is a good indicator that you got off track somewhere.
3. Romans 12:9a – “Let love be without hypocrisy.”
VI. Commandment #5:
A. I will Give Myself and My Spouse Permission to Take a “Time Out” from the
discussion when it's requested, as long as I give a specific time frame when we will
resume problem solving.
1. Patience – the First Characteristic of Love.
1 Corinthians 13
2. Just like Basketball.
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VII. Commandment #6:
A. I will Accept a Neutral Place and Time to discuss problems that are mutually
satisfactory and do not give one person any advantage over the other.
1. Avoiding Triangulation
Seek out wise, biblical counsel, but don’t unbalance the relationship, because it
won’t feel fair.
2. Set Yourself Up for Success
Don’t argue in the car.
Don’t argue when you are tired.
3. James 1:2-4 – “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,
knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.”
VIII. Commandment #7:
A. I will Take Ownership Of and Be Completely Accountable for my own feelings,
thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors without playing “detective” or blaming my spouse.
1. The Principle of Ownership
2. Accountability vs. Excuse-making
3. Proverbs 11:14 – “Where there is no guidance, the people fall, but in abundance of
counselors there is victory.”
IX. Commandment #8:
A. I will Be Responsive and Not Reactive when discussing issues or receiving feedback
about my behavior from my spouse.
1. Responding vs. Reacting
2. The Need for Self-awareness
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3. Proverbs 15:1 – “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
X. Commandment #9:
A. I will Not Attempt to Control my spouse with undo criticism, sarcasm, rage, threats,
manipulation, shame, jealousy, or silence.
1. Deleting the Control Files
Husbands and wives who mutually abandon control can experience a different
form of intimacy.
2. True Intimacy and Relational Gift-giving
3. 1 Peter 1:15 – “But like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all
your behavior.”
XI. Commandment #10:
A. I will Actively Seek the Forgiveness of my spouse when I am aware of any wrongdoing
on my part and I will extend forgiveness when it is asked for.
1. Woundedness and Infections
2. The Laundry List
3. Ephesians 4:30-32 – “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other,
just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”
Conclusion
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Love Languages
(Video Presentation)
Gary Chapman, Ph.D.
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Abstract
In this course, Dr. Chapman will explore the reality that emotional state of “falling in love” does
not last forever in marriage. Thus couples must work at keeping this emotional state of feeling
loved. Another important reality is that people perceive love differently Dr. Chapman introduces
five different ways people express and perceive love—the five love languages. He encourages
couples to learn to speak the partner’s love language to fill his/her love tank.
Learning Objectives
1. Participants will be able to explain the nature of “falling in love” experience.
2. Participants will be able to identify five love languages and describe how to discover
one’s love language
3. Participants will be able to discuss how speaking and not speaking the partner’s love
languages influence in marital relationship
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I. Love
A. Love is the Most Important Word In the English Language, But it is Also the Most
Confusing Word In the English Language.
1. Use the word “love” in a thousand ways
2. Love as it relates to love in marriage
II. Experience of Falling in Love
A. The Big Reason – “We Are in Love” – What Does it Mean?
B. Begins With a Feeling – “The Tingles”
C. Leads to Greater Tingles
D. Verbalize “I Love You” Results in Obsession and a Stage of Euphoria
1. Is falling in love biblical? Yes (cf. Judges 14; Song of Solomon 4, 5)
2. Reality: Cultural differences exist in cultures regarding what do after the “tingles.”
All cultural responses have strengths and weaknesses. Falling in love tends to make
couples blind to this reality.
3. “Falling in love is a wonderful experience, but it is not an adequate foundation to
build a marriage – it is very temporary in nature”
E. Average Lifespan of Being “In Love” is Two Years.
F. Being “In Love” is Not an Adequate Foundation For a Successful Marriage.
G. Reality: When You Come Off the High, Most People Break Up Because the Lack of
Feelings.
H. The End of the Euphoric State of Love Requires a Transition to an Intentional State
of Love.
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III. How to Keep Emotional Love Alive after You Come off the High
A. What Makes One Person Feel Loved Does Not Make Another Person Feel Loved;
We Can Be Very Sincere in Expressing Love, But it May Not Be in the Language
the Other Person Understands.
B. The Five Love Languages: Five Ways to Express Love Emotionally and Learn How
to Speak the Other Person’s Languages
1. Words of affirmation
2. Giving and receiving gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch
C. The Language that Speaks More Deeply to You Emotionally Than the Other Four is
Your Primary Love Language.
D. Most of Us Have a Primary Love Language, a Secondary Love Language, and the
Other Three Follow.
IV. Love Languages in Marriage
A. In a Marriage, Almost Never, Do a Husband and Wife Have the Same Love
Languages.
B. Married Couples Are Missing Each Other Emotionally Because They Are Not
Speaking the Right Love Language.
C. Much of the Misbehavior in Marriage Comes From the Emptiness in Our Love
Tank.
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D. If You Feel Loved, You Can Hear Each Other Out and Find Solutions to the
Conflict.
E. All of the Love Languages Can Be Learned.
F. Couples Could Find Rebirth in Their Marriage if They Learned How to Speak the
Right Love Language.
G. How Do You Discover Your Love Language and the Other Person’s Love
Language?
1. Observe your own behavior
2. What do you complain about most often?
3. What do we request most often?
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The Challenge of
Communication
(Video Presentation)
John Trent, Ph.D.
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Abstract
Scripture gives us a picture of communication where sometimes we must confront others. The
fact is, communication is not always easy, but people are always communicating both verbally
and nonverbally. Just because communication takes place, it does not necessarily mean that a
connection has been made with the other person who is decoding the message. There are certain
techniques that can be used to facilitate positive, healthy communication. This session will
uncover the role of personality in communication and how to foster communication even in the
most problematic areas.
Learning Objectives
1. Participants will gain a deeper understanding of the role of listening within
communication.
2. Participants will learn the Biblical importance of communication.
3. Participants will be able to identify specific strategies to foster healthy communication.
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I. Framework
A. Scripture
1. 2 Samuel 11
2. God says that you are the one that needs to go confront and communicate.
“Then the Lord sent Nathan to David. And he came to him and said, ‘There were two
men in one city, the one rich and the other poor. The rich man had a great many
flocks and herds. But the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lambWhich he
bought and nourished; and it grew up together with him and his children. It would
eat of his bread and drink of his cup and lie in his bosom, and was like a daughter to
him. Now a traveler came to the rich man, and he was unwilling to take from his
own flock or his own herd, to prepare for the wayfarer who had come to him;
rather he took the poor man’s ewe lamb and prepared it for the man who had come to
him.’ Then David’s anger burned greatly against the man, and he said to Nathan, ‘As
the Lord lives, surely the man who has done this deserves to die. He must make
restitution for the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing and had no compassion.’
Nathan then said to David, ‘You are the man!’ Thus says the Lord God of Israel, ‘It is
I who anointed you king over Israel and it is I who delivered you from the hand of
Saul.’”—2 Samuel 12: 1-7
B. Communication
1. Communication is both verbal and nonverbal.
2. People are always communicating.
C. Symbolic Interactionist
1. Language is symbol.
2. Nonverbal can create a symbol.
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Between 50-80% of communication starts off as nonverbal.
Women are better at reading nonverbal clues than men are.
D. Verbal Communication
1. Verbal communication is the sending and receiving of messages.
2. Just because you communicate, it does not necessarily mean that you are going to
connect that communication with someone else.
E. Encoding and Decoding
1. Nonverbal and verbal is encoding.
Decoding is what the other person does.
2. Decoding deals with listening.
3. There are fakers (i.e. those who pretend to be listening).
4. There are those who interrupt others and never let people finish.
5. There are self-conscious listeners that think that everything applies to them.
6. There are intellectual listeners.
II. Facilitation
A. Word Pictures
1. An emotional word picture:
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Static interrupts communication.
Words and pictures can minimize static when they are used to create a meaning.
In telling a story, you can link words with feelings, which creates a picture for the
listener that not only goes over their defenses, but it also can go right into their
heart.
2. Jesus used word pictures all the time with parables and stories.
B. Speaker Listening Techniques
1. There is both speaking and listening.
2. Very often there is the static that gets in between the speaker and the listener.
3. In trying to minimize the static, use the speaker-listener technique.
State the problem.
Share how it makes you feel.
What would be one solution?
C. Importance
1.The average person tends to escalate.
2.When communication goes wrong, conversations can escalate.
3.When it does, very often it is because we do not have an exit strategy out of an
argument.
4.Communication can be conversation and communication.
Sometimes it is all about power and dominance.
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5.Effective communication can be a word picture that goes over a person’s defenses and
right into their heart.
“You stand a far greater chance of hitting the target if you can see it.”—Aristotle
6.If you can see something in advance, then you can prepare for it.
III. Predictable Areas of Conflict
A. Problems
1. When it comes to problems, there are typically two people who want to deal with
them in an aggressive manner:
Lions
Beavers
2. The otter and the golden retriever tend to step away from problems.
3. God did not put someone into your life that was different than you to frustrate you,
but to complete you.
B. New People and Information
1. Otters are trusting.
2. Beavers want to verify.
3. Better decisions are made when differences are valued.
C. Risks
1. Some people tend to be really good risk takers:
Lion
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Otter
2. Other people are more cautious:
Beaver
Golden retriever
3. Communication is hearing the other person.
This is why God placed them there.
4. Work on your listening skills.
Take the initiative in communication.
Resist or cut down distractions.
Understand how your emotions can affect your response toward your spouse.
o You cannot out logic an emotion.
Ask questions and clarify.
