In the Community, With the Community, For the Community www.minnlocal.com – Thursday, March 17, 2011 – Bloomington Sun-Current 19A

by Rhonda Moskowitz, M.A.,Practical Solutions Parent Coaching, LLC

I have yet to meet the parent who wants her child to beliving with her when he is 30. Everyone wants her child togrow up to be a self sufficient, independent adult. The goal is tofor them to get a job, move out, and come visit us. How do you getfrom having to help them put on their shoes every day to movingout?

Encourage your child to do as much for himself as he can.Yes, we can do it quicker and better, but it doesn’t help him learnhow to do it by himself.

Mistakes are great teachers. If he didn’t like the outcome,he’ll have to think of a new solution.

Describe what he did well. Ignore what didn’t work. “Youput your shoes on all by yourself!” is a very different messagethan “Your shoes are on the wrong feet”. He will figure out inshort order that the shoes feel funny. Correcting his own mistakemakes him a problem solver!

Ask questions instead of providing answers.It is a gift to allow your child to be bored, sad, and evenunhappy. If we solve every problem for them, what happenswhen we’re not there?

Grow a problem solver. Fight the urge to fix the problem bysaying something like “Um. I hate it when that happens.” Then

sit back and see what develops.

Allow your child to feel uncomfortable. If you fix the prob-lem your child has learned that someone else will take care ofthings. Give him the chance to work things out in his own way.

Allow your child to experience the natural consequencesof his choices. Wouldn’t get up in the morning and now he islate for school? Take him to school and have him explain why heis late.

I once spoke with the mother of a second grade child. She was asingle parent who worked full time outside the home. Sheamazed me when she said that her daughter packed her ownlunch for school every day. It never occurred to me that such ayoung child could do that! That right there was the lesson Ilearned. Just because I didn’t think a child could do somethingdidn’t make it a fact. If we support, encourage, and slowly raiseour expectations,” by the time our child is 30 she will be invitingus to visit her—in her home!

”Rhonda Moskowitz, 2010, All Rights Reserved

Rhonda Moskowitz, M.A., PCI Certified Parent Coach® has beenworking with families for over 30 years. She is a Parent Coachand Consultant, and founder of Practical Solutions ParentCoaching, LLC, www.practicalsolutionsparentcoaching.com.Contact Rhonda atRhonda@practicalsolutionsparentcoaching.com.

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PAGE 2Fill your cup

with happiness

PAGE 3ABC’s of building

self-esteeem

March/April

2011

CMYK

20A Bloomington Sun-Current – Thursday, March 17, 2011 – www.minnlocal.com In the Community, With the Community, For the Community

Healthy self-esteem fills the cup with happinessby Mindy Mateuszczyk

Ask any parent what theydream for their child. Most willreply they hope their childachieves success, happiness orsome version of that. Believing itwill ensure their child’s success,many parents will enroll theirchild in everything from piano les-sons to soccer camp. While thesecan be helpful in giving children aleg up, research shows one of thecore ingredients for both a happyand successful life is healthy self-esteem.

Peter Somers, a licensed psy-chologist practicing in MapleGrove, shares the relationshipbetween self-confidence and self-esteem.

“Self-esteem represents a per-son’s individual sense of yourselfand how one measures their com-petence and worth,” said Somers.“If a person had adequate self-esteem they typically demonstrateconfidence.”

He says while self-esteem issomewhat abstract, confidencecan be measured through behav-ior. Confidence and a positive atti-tude are the tool by which parentscan determine the health of theirchild’s self-esteem.

WHAT’S IN THE GLASS?What behaviors should parents

look for in determining if theirchild is struggling with their self-esteem?

Somers offers several situa-tions a parent can observe tomeasure this:

What is the child’s willingnessto take on a new task?

How does the child react to anew situation or unfamiliar sur-roundings?

How does the child describethemselves? Does he use positiveor negative words?

Does the child talk about thefuture in a positive or negativeway, or even at all?

What is the child’s frustrationlevel with a difficult task?

How resilient is the child in theface of difficulty or failure?

A child who responds fearfully,negatively, tearfully or with anger

in these situations probably strug-gles with their self-esteem.

“We all have setbacks and prob-lems, but a child with higher self-esteem will tend to bounce backmore quickly and won’t appear tobe so wounded.”

Serious self-esteem issuescould evolve into anxiety disordersor depression. However, the symp-toms for these present differentlyin children. According to Somers, achild that is experiencing anxietyor depression may have periodswhen they seem to behave nor-mally but there will be recurrentperiods of depression, acting out,increased tearfulness, lower ener-gy, apathy, or sleep and appetitedisturbances.

GLASS HALF-EMPTY To that end, there are many

ways parents can influence theirchild’s self-esteem, both positivelyand negatively.

Attitude can play into self-esteem. A pessimistic attitude canlead to a lower self-esteem. Whilethere might be a hereditary com-ponent to pessimism, a child’senvironment can have animpact.

“One of the best things par-ents can do for their childrenis model self-confidence anda healthy self-esteem,” saidSomers. “Children look totheir parents for a lot ofthings and if they see their par-ents behaving with a positive atti-tude about the way they viewthemselves, children will tend tointegrate or imitate that.”

Somers said if a parent is strug-gling with low self-esteem ordepression they may want to con-sider seeking professional helpboth for their own sake and thesake of their child.

Just as a child’s environmentcan have an impact on them, theirgenes can too.

“Sometimes children are wiredto perceive the world in a negativeor pessimistic way, even with opti-mistic parents and a positivehome life,” said Somers. In thesecases, parents may want to seekfurther help.

FILLING THE GLASSThere are several ways parents

can consciously help improve theirchild’s self-esteem.

Problem-Solving: Somerssays children with high self-esteem have good problem-solvingskills.

“This provides a child the confi-dence they need to handle thingsas they come up,” Somers said.

If there is a specificissue the child

seemsto be dealingwith, such as a problemwith a firend, Somers suggestsbrainstorming ways to solve theissue. Role playing can also behelpful.

Assign Tasks: Somers saysassigning children with tasks pro-motes responsibility. Anythingfrom setting the table, helpingwith dinner or taking care of a petbased on the child’s ability levelcan instill a sense of responsibilityand worthiness.

“Being needed is something weall like to feel,” Somers said.

Framing: Attitude is impor-tant, especially when facing prob-lems. Somers says it’s importantto frame problems in positive

terms. Try to view problems as anopportunity to learn. Ask what thelife lesson is to be gained fromencountering a difficult situation.

Labels: Labels and criticismcan be very detrimental to a child.Referring to children as “the ath-letic one,” the “smart one,” or the“rambunctious one” can box achild in, cause stress or fear to liveup – or down – to their label.Harsh criticism can come acrossas a label also.

“Avoid being judgmental orusing global labels to describe a

child’s characteristics,”he said. Somerssuggests parents

pay attention totheir tone of voice

and the words theyuse. Instead of criti-

cizing a child for poorperformance in math

class, it may be betterto say, “Let’s figure out

how to learn this mathtogether.”

Activities: Extra-cur-ricular activities can build

a great deal of confidenceand sense of self-worth.

“Anytime you getinvolved and learn some-

thing new or have a chance tointeract with others and be

more independent it can bebeneficial,” said Somers. But he

warns about being careful toselect age-appropriate activities

that will foster a child’s self-confi-dence. In parents’ enthusiasm tosteer their children towards great-ness it’s important to not to pushtoo hard. If children complainabout going to their activities orexpress frustration, fear or othersigns of low self-esteem, the extracurricular activities can becomecounterproductive.

A CUP THAT RUNNETH OVER

Boosting a child’s self-esteem istypically the more prominent con-cern but there is a risk of too muchself-esteem, or an over-exaggerat-ed sense of self. This can lead to achild developing a sense of entitle-ment. Somers says the most com-mon mistake parents make in con-

tributing to type of situation isoffering non-specific generalpraise.

Here are some examples:Instead of, “You’re such a good

boy.”Try, “I really like the way you

solved that problem with yourbrother by using your words.”

Instead of, “You’re so smart!”Try, “Your hard work studying

really paid off!”Instead of, “You’re so nice.”Try, “Drawing that picture for

your friend who was sick was areally kind thing to do.”

Looking at a helpless child sodependent on his parents for sur-vival, it’s easy to understand whya parent would vow to protect thatchild from any pain. But Somerssays that can be detrimental to achild’s long-term development.Protecting a child from naturalconsequences that may result in alittle pain can actually serve toerode a child’s self-esteem becausethey never have a chance to dealwith disappointment and over-come it. Overprotective parentsmay inadvertently make decisionsfor a child that they could makefor themselves. The child couldinternalize these actions as theirparent not having faith in themand could develop a sense of inad-equacy or insecurity for the child.

Other behaviors Somers tellsparents to avoid include:

- Comparing- Overly harsh punishment- Continuous disapproving crit-

icism- Expecting too much, perfec-

tionist tendencies- Placing a child in a situation

they are not ready for

It is ideal if parents are atten-tive from the beginning of a child’slife. Self-esteem erodes slowly butonce it has, it can be difficult torebuild. Trust and respect mayneed to be rebuilt first. It is impor-tant to remember, a healthy self-esteem is a critical indicator tosuccess and happiness as a childenters the world.

In the Community, With the Community, For the Community www.minnlocal.com – Thursday, March 17, 2011 – Bloomington Sun-Current 21A

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22A Bloomington Sun-Current – Thursday, March 17, 2011 – www.minnlocal.com In the Community, With the Community, For the Community

Local teacher shares the ABC’s of building self-esteemby Mindy Mateuszczyk

One of the biggest transitions for a child is startingschool. In addition to filling up the backpack with essen-tials, filling a child with self-esteem is crucial to their suc-cess in school.

“We spend so much time working on self-esteem andrespect so children can be confident enough to learn,” saidRoberts, who has been teaching for 17 years.

France Roberts, a first grade teacher at Kimberly LaneElementary in Wayzata School District, spends a lot oftime thinking about ways to build the self-esteem of hisstudents. His classroom tips could translate into someideas for home too.

ACCOUNTABILITYIn Mr. Roberts’ Classroom – Roberts also involves the

class in developing class rules.”We make up the rules together, everyone signs the posterwith the rules and they know this is our classroom,” hesaid. “I never say ‘not in MY classroom you don’t…’”

He also pays close attention to the comments parentsprovide on the Parents as Partners information sheet heasks them to fill out at the beginning of the year.

At home – parents can sit down with their child andcreate a similar contract called the house rules that areposted in a prominent location, such as the kitchen.Consequences could also be included. Anytime a rule isbroken, a parent can point to the rules, reminding the

child they helped choose those rules. This can reduce theparent versus child conflict by using an external set ofrules created by the team, as the measure of behavior.

BOOKSIn Mr. Roberts’ Classroom – One of Roberts’ favorite

tools is books.“I use lots of books, there are some really great ones

that deal with respect, self-esteem and feelings,” he said.One of his favorites authors for children is Kevin Hankesincluding “Chrysanthemum.”

At home – Reading books together offers multiple ben-efits. A child will notice a parent setting aside everythingelse to spend time reading with them. This also helps thechild with their academics. The ability to read and com-prehend is a large part of how people communicate witheach other in this world of computers and texting.

COMFORTIn Mr. Roberts’ Classroom – During the first weeks,

Roberts encourages his students to bring in somethingspecial from kindergarten or summer vacation and toshare pictures of their family.

“It’s important to get them comfortable and talking toeach other,” said Roberts, a Teacher of the Month awardwinner.

At home – Provide mementos that are comforting tothe child and helps reaffirm their identity. An easy way todo this is by scrapbooking photos of some favorite family

memories or by making a collage out of photos and cut-ting pictures out of a magazine that the child identifieswith.

COMMITMENTIn Mr. Roberts’ Classroom – Spending time talking

with students and helping them develop strategies to suc-cess is important to Roberts. When a student expressesanger, he takes time out to talk with them about otherways to respond to a difficult situation. For all students,he assures them they can ask him questions anytime andencourages.

Roberts says it’s important to help his students feelgood about themselves and what they are trying toachieve.

“If you feel good about something, you’ll work hard anddo your best at it,” he said.

At home – Checking in with children regularly isimportant. With busy schedules, it can be easy to overlookday-to-day struggles or to become impatient with chil-dren. Sharing highs and lows about each other’s day isone way to do this, but for families with truly hecticschedules, a parent-child journal may be helpful. ShawnaAnderson, of Lakeville, started a journal with her chil-dren. It began when she worked odd nursing shifts. Theywould simply share their highs and lows but eventuallyevolved in a sort of shared diary. Anderson attributes thejournal as a tool that deepened the bond between herselfand her daughters. She says they discussed things theymight not have ever covered otherwise.