Upload
calmdowncheryl
View
262
Download
0
Embed Size (px)
DESCRIPTION
Written as a spec script for the sitcom The Mindy Project. Synopsis: Mindy is given an award for her work as an OB/GYN.
Citation preview
THE MINDY PROJECT
"Mindy Lahiri: Female Empowerer"
Written by
calmdowncheryl
Based on Mindy Kaling’s "The Mindy Project"
January 1, 2014 calmdowncheryl.tumblr.com/ask
TEASER
1 INT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - SATURDAY, 9:30 AM
MINDY walks into the empty office, carrying three boxes of
donuts and a thermos of coffee. She’s dressed in
CAMOFLAUGE-PATTERNED SCRUBS, a beige vest, an army-green
backpack, and black sneakers. JEREMY, DANNY, and PETER have
been waiting for her to show up, and they look annoyed (but
not surprised) when she finally comes through the door.
MINDY
Goooood morning, Vietnam!
DANNY
We were supposed to leave a
half-hour ago!
MINDY
I know, I know, I’m sorry, but I
needed to wait for the scrubs store
to open so I could get these!
She sets the donuts and coffee down on the main desk and
models her CAMOUFLAGE-PATTERNED SCRUBS.
MINDY (cont’d)
I saw them in the store window on
my way home late last night, and I
thought they were perfect for the
debut of "Health on Wheels".
(beat)
Speaking of which --
Mindy jumps around to show them her BACKPACK, which has
"HEALTH ON WHEELS" printed underneath an AMBULANCE JUMPING
THROUGH FIRE.
JEREMY
Is that really what we’re calling
it?
PETER
Well, I wanted to call it "I’m
Gonna Health You Up".
(to Jeremy)
But you were, quote-unquote, sick
the day we voted.
(to Danny)
And you. Traitor. A regular
Benedict Cumberbatch.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
DANNY
I find it best not to fight Mindy
on these types of things. Also,
what did you just say?
Mindy hasn’t been listening. She’s kneeling on the ground,
digging out folded up backpacks similar to hers.
MINDY
Alright, men! Quit your yammering
and bring it in!
No one moves.
MINDY (cont’d)
(still kneeling)
We have one enemy: disease. He is
fierce.
She throws a backpack at Jeremy’s feet.
MINDY (cont’d)
He is rampant.
She throws another at Peter’s feet.
MINDY (cont’d)
He would be easily vanquished if we
worked in a system that endorsed
preventative care more strongly.
She throws the last at Danny’s feet.
MINDY (cont’d)
Alas, that is not our reality. And
so, we must fight.
She stands and peers into her colleagues’ eyes.
MINDY (cont’d)
This is going to be the toughest
fight of our lives... every second
Saturday of the month, except April
because of that one conference.
She stands arms akimbo.
MINDY
Are you ready?
Danny just looks at her, confused but amused. Jeremy mumbles
something that sounds like a "yes". Peter balls his hands
into fists.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
PETER
Yeah!
MINDY
I said, ARE! YOU! READY?
Danny remains still. Jeremy mumbles a little louder. Peter
looks like he’s ringside at a UFC fight.
PETER
YEAH!
MINDY
I SAAAIIIDDD --
DANNY
Damn it, Mindy, we’re already late
as it is!
He pulls out the keys to the truck and heads out. Jeremy
follows quickly behind. Peter is psyched, running after
them with his fist in the air.
PETER
(chanting)
HEALTH ON WHEELS! HEALTH ON WHEELS!
MINDY
Wait! The reinforcements!
She scrambles to gather the backpacks and struggles to carry
them plus the donuts and coffee she bought.
MINDY (cont’d)
Guys! No man left behind!
END TEASER
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
ACT ONE
2 EXT. COMMUNITY CENTER PARKING LOT - MORNING
Jeremy, Danny, Peter, and Mindy sit at portable tables
they’ve set up next to the parked Health on Wheels
truck. Women have formed 4 separate lines at each of their
stations. We watch each of the doctors at work.
PATIENT 1
Well, I have this skin rash, and
it’s just driving me bonkers.
She pulls up her coat sleeve and shows Jeremy her forearm,
which contains a nasty, red RASH. Jeremy, wearing gloves,
takes her arm and gently turns it over to see the extent of
the damage.
JEREMY
(whistles)
That is a beaut. Alright, have you
started using any new lotions or
creams on your arms?
PATIENT 1
Yes, I have.
JEREMY
Have you continued to use them?
PATIENT 1
Yeah, the rash dries my skin out so
bad.
JEREMY
Okay, well, did the rash get better
or worse when you used the lotion?
PATIENT 1
Worse. Way worse.
JEREMY
Okay, I suspect that the lotion is
making it worse.
PATIENT 1
So what do I do?
JEREMY
I’m not a dermatologist, so this
isn’t my area of expertise, but I’d
probably stop using the lotion.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
PATIENT 1
(leans forward)
Well, I came here because... what
if I have a rash that looks like
this... in a place where lotion
doesn’t go?
Jeremy tries his best to stifle the disgusted expression he
desperately wants to make.
CUT TO:
PATIENT 2, a woman with a large belly.
PATIENT 2
Really terrible heartburn. Doesn’t
matter what I eat.
DANNY
Yeah.
PATIENT 2
Headaches. High blood pressure. I
throw up a lot in the morning.
DANNY
Yep. I hear ’ya.
PATIENT 2
Feel like I’m retaining water.
Swollen joints. It’s awful.
DANNY
We should schedule you for a
full-check up back at our practice,
but I don’t really think those are
causes for concern. It’s safe for
you to take antacids for the
heartburn and Tylenol for the other
pain and discomfort, but it sounds
like your symptoms are all typical
signs of pregnancy.
PATIENT 2
(offended)
I’m not pregnant!
Danny looks like he wants to die.
CUT TO:
PATIENT 3, an attractive, older woman.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
PATIENT 3
(a little flirtatiously)
So, what do you think?
PETER
Unless a full work-up revealed
something like a cyst or tumor,
vaginal reconstructive surgery is a
strictly cosmetic procedure.
(beat)
Of which I am a big, big fan.
CUT TO:
PATIENT 4, a kind of ditzy woman inquiring about birth
control.
MINDY
There are combination pills that
have estrogen and progestin, like
Yasmin or Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo.
PATIENT 4
Do I stick them up my butt?
MINDY
(confused/disgusted)
No, you take it orally.
Mindy takes a laminated informational card and points to a
picture of pills.
MINDY (cont’d)
However, if you have a history of
heart disease or are prone to
clots, I’d suggest looking into
these progestin-only pills like
Micronor or Ovrette.
Patient 4 looks up.
PATIENT 4
Do I stick those up my butt?
MINDY
No. You take it orally. By mouth.
(beat)
Why don’t you take this?
Mindy hands her the laminated card. She also hands her a
couple extra pamphlets.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.
MINDY (cont’d)
Take these too.
We see their titles: "How to Make Sure Your Birth Control
Works" and "Backup Birth Control Options".
PATIENT 4
’Kay!
PATIENT 4 smiles and leaves gratefully. JASMINE REYNOLDS, a
woman in a CREAM PANTSUIT takes her place.
JASMINE
Hi, I’d like to speak to you about
your practice.
MINDY
Look, lady, I already told your
friends we’re not leaving. You have
the right to your political
opinions, okay, but this
information could help hundreds of
women, and we --
JASMINE
No! Yes! Of course! I love what
your group is doing!
MINDY
Oh. Thanks. Sorry, what do you
want? Are we being too loud? We’re
almost done, I swear.
JASMINE
I’m Jasmine Reynolds, head of the
local chapter of the Female
Empowerment Society, or FEMS.
MINDY
Cool. I like how that acronym
worked out.
JASMINE
We’ve heard a lot about your work,
Dr. Lahiri. You’ve been doing a lot
of great community outreach, what
with the visit to the women’s
prison and your taxi TV promos last
year.
MINDY
Oh, well --
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.
JASMINE
And we were thrilled when we heard
about you taking your work to the
streets.
MINDY
Actually, Health on Wheels was Dr.
Prentice’s idea.
She gestures to Peter, who smiles.
PETER
Yeah, it’s my baby!
JASMINE
(with scorn)
How could you even know what having
a baby feels like??
Peter and Mindy exchange glances.
PETER
Well, I mean... it’s just a figure
of speech --
JASMINE
(back to Mindy)
I just wanted to let you know that
due to your work for the women of
New York, you were named FEMS’
"Female Empowerer of the Month".
MINDY
Ohmygod! Really??
JASMINE
Yes! Congratulations!
Jasmine extends her hand for a handshake. Mindy accepts.
MINDY
Oh my god! I can’t believe this! Oh
my god oh my god oh my god!
Jasmine digs into her purse for a GOLD ENVELOPE. Mindy is
immediately captivated.
JASMINE
The awards dinner is this Friday.
It’s black tie, at the Ritz. Deets
in the envelope. We’ve also
included 3 tickets for your...
Jasmine shoots a contemptuous look at Peter.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.
JASMINE (cont’d)
...Colleagues...
Peter frowns.
JASMINE (cont’d)
(back to Mindy)
...as well as a plus one, in case
you’d like to bring somebody.
Mindy is still turning the gold envelope over and over in
her hands.
MINDY
I feel like this is what Beyonce’s
mail looks like.
JASMINE
We’re thrilled to have you, Dr.
Lahiri. Call us if you have any
questions.
Mindy beams at Jasmine.
MINDY
I will!
Jasmine stands and walks away. Mindy’s barely able to
contain herself.
MINDY (cont’d)
(calling after her)
Also, I love your pant suit!
3 INT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - FRIDAY AFTERNOON
Business as usual. BETSY sits at the main desk. Mindy shows
a patient out and waves goodbye. She walks back into the
office and sees MORGAN coming out of the break room with a
coffee mug.
MORGAN
Dr. L! Why are you still here?
Shouldn’t you be getting ready for
your big dinner tonight?
Mindy hands TAMRA the patient’s chart.
MINDY
I’m leaving pretty soon, just going
to put the finishing touches on my
speech.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.
BETSY
Can we hear some of it?
MINDY
Okay!
She pulls out her phone and opens her speech. After clearing
her throat and doing some quick vocal exercises, she settles
into her on-stage persona.
MINDY (cont’d)
(reading)
What is it that makes a woman
beautiful? Is it mastering the
smoky eye? Is it being able to
pull off two different types of
animal prints?
(beat)
That’s pretty much all I’ve got so
far.
Betsy and Tamra exchange looks.
TAMRA
(stiffly)
That sounds great, Dr. L.
Mindy leans on the desk.
MINDY
What do you guys have going on
tonight?
TAMRA
Ray Ron and I are going ice skating
before my cousin’s intervention.
BETSY
The scarf I’ve been knitting is
almost done!
MORGAN
Dog the Bounty Hunter marathon.
(beat)
Is Dr. C still here?
BETSY
He’s with a patient.
MORGAN
(to Mindy)
Does he have his outfit picked out?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.
MINDY
Why are you asking me? I don’t
know.
MORGAN
Well, I heard the dinner was black
tie, so I’ve been sifting through
my cuff link collection all day.
He turns his coffee mug upside down, and CUFF LINKS spill
onto the desk. He peers down at them, squinting and
stroking his chin.
MORGAN
I’ve narrowed it down to two mugs,
but I need to know if his suit is
black or midnight blue.
MINDY
That’s great Morgan, but I think
he’s probably fine.
She smiles at them and goes to her office.
MORGAN
(calling after her)
Oh, Dr. L, don’t wear the black
heels! They look amazing, but they
pinch your feet.
Betsy raises her eyebrows at the glimmering cuff links.
BETSY
Where did you get all these?
Morgan looks threatened.
MORGAN
...Definitely not multiple
graveyards.
He attempts to look surreptitious as he sweeps the cuff
links into his mug. Tamra and Betsy watch him. He maintains
eye contact with them as he retreats back into the break
room.
4 INT. MINDY’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - NIGHT
Mindy is wearing a long, coral, high neck GOWN, long gold
earrings, a gold bangle, and gold heels. She’s putting nude
lipstick on. She stops and checks her makeup. Then, she
decides to test her "acceptance" face, holding her BRUSH
like it’s an award.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.
MINDY
Thank you, women of New York!
She isn’t satisfied. Something’s off.
MINDY (cont’d)
Sisters from other misters, I thank
you!
Still wrong. She notices a Post-It stuck to the mirror, a
note she’s written to herself: "Think Jennifer Lawrence."
Mindy closes her eyes and breathes in and out slowly.
MINDY (cont’d)
(chanting)
J Lawwww... J Lawwww...
She opens her eyes and raises the brush up, displaying it to
the fake audience.
MINDY (cont’d)
I beat Meryl!
Someone KNOCKS at the front door, startling her.
5 INT. MINDY’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Mindy walks to the front door, frowning at her manicure as
she goes.
MINDY
Danny, I don’t think my nail coral
matches my dress coral --
She opens the door to find CLIFF standing there, looking
impeccable and clean-cut in a modern tuxedo.
MINDY (cont’d)
Whoa.
CLIFF
Hey.
He grins and kisses her as he enters the apartment. As they
break from the kiss, Mindy runs her hands down from Cliff’s
neck and smooths his lapels.
She stares at him a moment. Then, she steps back and places
the back of her hand on her forehead and the side of her
neck. Cliff reaches his arms out, prepping in case something
happens.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.
CLIFF (cont’d)
You feeling okay?
MINDY
Yeah, I’ve just been doing this
every five minutes since we started
dating to make sure I’m not just in
the middle of a fever dream.
Cliff straightens and smiles sheepishly.
MINDY (cont’d)
You look hot. Like Brad Pitt in
Meet Joe Black.
CLIFF
Well, you are absolutely stunning.
Mindy almost can’t handle how smitten she is.
MINDY
(laughs)
You New York dudes are on a
different level entirely. I’m from
Boston. I would’ve been satisfied
with, "Fancy dress" or "Wicked job
on your face."
(beat)
Let me just grab the tickets.
She disappears into her bedroom.
CLIFF
So... were you expecting Danny?
6 INT. MINDY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Mindy’s grabbing her gold clutch when the question
lands. She pauses a moment. She shakes her head to snap
out of it and continues gathering the items she needs.
MINDY
(high-pitched)
Who?
She furrows her brow. That doesn’t make sense. What just
happened?
14.
7 INT. MINDY’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mindy walks back into the living room.
CLIFF
Danny? You mentioned him a minute
ago. Were you expecting him?
Mindy’s eyebrows shoot up.
MINDY
Oh, no, wasn’t expecting him. He’s
like the Spanish Inquisition,
because no one ever expects him.
Unexpected, that one.
A KNOCK at the door. Mindy goes to answer it. What the hell
is happening?
Danny is standing in the hallway, wearing a classic tux. If
Cliff is Brad Pitt, Danny is George Clooney.
MINDY (cont’d)
(under her breath)
Completely unexpected.
DANNY
What? What do you mean? I texted
you a minute ago saying we were
downstairs.
Mindy snaps out of it.
MINDY
Oh, sorry. I must’ve missed your
text --
She looks to Cliff.
MINDY
(smiling)
-- because Cliff was telling me how
stunning I am.
Danny rolls his eyes.
DANNY
Yeah, yeah, you got your thing on
with the shoes, it’s nice,
whatever, let’s go.
Mindy beams at Cliff.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.
MINDY
The Boston girl in me is swooning.
8 EXT. MINDY’S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Mindy, Cliff, and Danny go down the stairs. Mindy sees a
parked LIMO by the curb. Jeremy and Peter, who also look
devastatingly handsome, are standing at the front of it.
MINDY
(gasp)
I’m The Bachelorette.
DANNY
This way.
Danny walks over to a parked CAB just in front of the limo.
He opens the door and looks back at Mindy.
MINDY
Oh.
CLIFF
Actually, I...
He walks over to the limo and opens the door.
CLIFF (cont’d)
I actually reserved it for tonight.
Mindy squeals excitedly and runs over to the limo, kissing
Cliff on the cheek before she gets in. Jeremy and Peter
decide, "what the hell" and go into the limo, too. Danny
sighs.
9 INT. LIMO - NIGHT
Danny can’t help but look curmudgeonly as the rest of the
group enjoys the limo, chatting and having a good time.
Danny reaches into his pocket and pulls out a FLASK, but
then someone shoves a GLASS OF SCOTCH under his nose.
Danny looks and sees the glass of scotch is attached to
Cliff’s hand. Cliff smiles at him and encourages him to take
it. Danny does. He downs the scotch in one gulp, then pours
the contents of his flask into the empty glass.
16.
10 INT. BANQUET HALL - NIGHT
Peter, Danny, and Jeremy are seated at a table near the
podium. Two women walk by.
PETER
Well, hello.
They ignore him. Jeremy flashes a smile to another woman who
is peering at him from another table. She makes a disgusted
face, rolls her eyes, and looks away.
JEREMY
When Mindy said we’d probably be
the only men here, I admittedly
thought the outcome would be a
little different.
A female SERVER walks by with a plate full of appetizers.
Peter gestures that he’d like one, but the server completely
ignores him. Peter narrows his eyes at her as she walks
away.
PETER
Really? Even the help?
Looking around the room, it’s becoming disturbingly clear
that they are persona non grata.
PETER
Are they all on their periods?
What’s gotten their panties in a
bunch?
DANNY
Probably years of comments like
that.
PETER
(scoffs)
If anybody’s panties need to be in
a bunch, they’re my panties. I
don’t want to take a giant man-dump
on this parade, but the thing that
clinched Mindy’s award was kinda my
idea.
DANNY
Hey, she’s a good doctor, and she
does good work. Besides, any
positive attention for the practice
is good attention. Shulman &
Associates haven’t exactly been
hitting home runs.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.
JEREMY
Guys, I think I’ve got a friendly.
Peter and Danny follow Jeremy’s gaze to an attractive woman
standing by one of the windows across the room. She smiles
pleasantly. Jeremy gives her a little wave, and the woman’s
smile doesn’t disappear. The guys are a little encouraged
by the lack of hostility, when they see her reach for her
WHITE CANE. They see that in her other hand, she holds a
LEASH for her SEEING-EYE DOG.
JEREMY (cont’d)
Ah.
The blind woman crosses the room, and as they watch her go,
Mindy and Cliff come into focus. Danny watches as Mindy and
Cliff chat a little with some FEMS members. They look like
an official couple.
Cliff realizes Danny’s watching him, so he nods and smiles
at him. Danny reciprocates painfully, scrunching up his face
and looking away.
Jasmine walks up to the podium and addresses the crowd.
JASMINE
Good evening, everyone, and welcome
to the Female Empowerment Society!
Everyone applauds.
JASMINE
As you know, before we get started
with dinner, we take the time to
meet this month’s awardee.
On the screen behind her appears Mindy’s professional
headshot.
JASMINE
Tonight, we award Dr. Mindy
Lahiri. She is an OB/GYN with
Shulman & Associates, and she’s
done marvelous work through the
practice as well as through
community outreach. This month, she
has started Health on Wheels --
Peter rolls his eyes.
JASMINE
-- a mobile health unit designed to
reach out to underprivileged women.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.
JASMINE (cont’d)To honor her and the work she’s
done, we give her this plaque, as
well as a $10,000 donation to
Health on Wheels. So, let’s all
welcome Dr. Lahiri, our Female
Empowerer of the Month!
Everyone applauds again, and Mindy walks up to the podium.
Cliff makes his way to the guys’ table to watch. He has
brought with him a napkin of appetizers and a glass of
scotch.
CLIFF
Hey, guys. Saw that server give you
a hard time.
PETER
Cliff, you are a godsend.
He and Jeremy dig into the appetizers.
CLIFF
No prob.
(beat)
Danny.
DANNY
Oh, hey there, Cliff.
CLIFF
Brought you another scotch. Saw you
liked the Macallan neat from the
limo.
Danny smiles, stiffly but politely enough.
DANNY
Thanks.
CLIFF
Sure.
Cliff smiles happily at him. Danny eyes Cliff suspiciously.
Mindy’s at the stage, shaking Jasmine’s hand. Jasmine
gestures to the podium, where a small, gold PLAQUE stands,
the FEMS logo emblazoned on it. Mindy takes the plaque and
holds it up to the crowd.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.
MINDY
(into the mic)
I beat Meryl!
Audience members exchange confused looks. Cliff applauds
happily. Danny takes a swig of the scotch.
The applause dies down, and a hush falls over the crowd.
MINDY (cont’d)
I’m not really one for speeches...
She pulls her phone out in case she needs reference.
DANNY
(to the others)
This coming from the girl who spent
45 minutes at the movie theater
ranting about the scientific
inaccuracies of Gravity.
MINDY
(to the audience)
Many a magazine and One Direction
band member have pondered this:
what is it that makes a woman
beautiful?
The audience looks even more confused.
MINDY (cont’d)
Is it mastering the smoky eye? Is
it being able to pull off two
different types of animal prints?
Is it finally mustering enough
courage to try ombre? Am I right,
ladies?
She pauses for laughter but receives none. She clears her
throat.
MINDY (cont’d)
While those are things of
incredible importance in a woman’s
life, none of these things make her
beautiful. What makes her beautiful
is her strength.
The audience starts to trust her again.
MINDY (cont’d)
Every day, I see women at their
strongest. I see them as they learn
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.
MINDY (cont’d)how to ensure the safety of their
bodies. I see them when they make
the decision to enter motherhood. I
see them when they start those
families. Seriously, the actual
moment. Literally. I’m right there,
between their...
Mindy catches her table’s reactions. They suggest she leave
out the gory details.
MINDY (cont’d)
Well. You know.
The FEMS members chuckle knowingly.
MINDY (cont’d)
And while I’m relatively young in
my field of work, I eventually hope
to see those women bring in their
little girls as they start to
become women. That’s why my work is
so important. We need to ensure
that all women can be the strongest
they can be, wherever their paths
may take them. I and the women of
New York hope for your continued
support, and we thank you.
The audience loves her. Her table of men beam at her
proudly.
Jasmine approaches Mindy and shakes her hand. Mindy goes to
leave the stage, but Jasmine gestures for her to hang back.
JASMINE
Beautiful words, Dr. Lahiri. I was
hoping you could shed some more
light on your work.
MINDY
Oh. Sure.
JASMINE
How did your association with the
women’s prison begin?
MINDY
That’s actually a funny story. The
guy I was dating at the time was a
pastor, so I kind of volunteered at
the women’s prison to impress him.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 21.
The audience wasn’t expecting this.
JASMINE
Oh. Um, and the taxi spots,
"Mindy’s Minute"?
MINDY
Well, who doesn’t want to be on TV,
right? Gave me an interesting line
to write on my online dating
profile.
The audience is starting to turn.
DANNY
Uh-oh.
JASMINE
(sarcastically)
Did you become an OB/GYN to impress
a guy, too?
MINDY
Well, the OB/GYN resident was the
hottest one.
The audience starts to boo at her. Mindy tries to save it.
MINDY (cont’d)
But it’s really rewarding work! My
patients have enlightened me in a
surprising amount of ways!
Someone throws their DINNER ROLL at her.
MINDY (cont’d)
Hey!
More DINNER ROLLS pelt her dress and land on stage. Mindy
picks one up and shakes it at the audience.
MINDY (cont’d)
Just because you don’t eat carbs
doesn’t mean no one else wants
them!
The guys rush to help her off the stage, but they’re
trapped. Dinner rolls are now being aimed at the men. An
empty wine glass is thrown at Jeremy.
JEREMY
(at the crowd)
Whoa! Completely uncalled for!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.
JASMINE
It figures you would just bring a
harem of men to this event!
MINDY
Oh, a "harem"? That’s racist!
Jasmine is taken aback. The crowd stills. Mindy decides to
seize the moment.
MINDY (cont’d)
(into the mic)
Isn’t feminism about equality
between all the genders?
A spiteful murmur starts to buzz around the room.
MINDY (cont’d)
Yeah, I went to the women’s prison
to impress my ex-boyfriend. But
during that visit, we were able to
provide health screenings to a
group of women that often gets
overlooked.
(gesturing to Danny)
Danny --
Danny looks up at her. His glare screams, "DON’T BRING ME
INTO THIS."
MINDY (cont’d)
-- I mean, Dr. Danny Castellano,
helped me with the Mindy’s Minute
spots when I felt a little unsure
about them. And he always helps me
when I’m unsure.
She looks at Danny warmly. He softens and smiles back. He
nods, and Mindy goes on. She gestures to Jeremy.
MINDY (cont’d)
Dr. Jeremy Reed here helped 57
women sign up for health insurance
today. 57!
Jeremy smiles graciously at the audience.
Finally, Mindy brings Peter up to the podium with her.
MINDY (cont’d)
And this is Dr. Peter Prentice.
Health on Wheels was actually his
idea. If Health on Wheels was the
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.
MINDY (cont’d)
thing that made you guys decide to
give me this award, well...
She hands him the plaque.
MINDY (cont’d)
You picked the right organization,
but the wrong doctor.
PETER
(into the mic)
Mindy did come up with the name,
though. I think we can all agree
it’s a clever name, clever as
balls!
The audience is about to turn on them again.
PETER (cont’d)
...Or ovaries?
The crowd reacts.
PETER (cont’d)
Mindy’s the one who implemented it,
though! When we were trying to
prove we weren’t racists!
One of the women speaks out from the crowd.
FEMS MEMBER #1
(to Mindy)
You mean you were going to accept
this award and take credit for his
idea to prove you weren’t racist?
Mindy gets a little nervous.
MINDY
That’s not why we did it!
(stammering)
I-I mean, I told Jasmine --
She looks over to Jasmine for help. Jasmine furiously
shakes her head, denying any knowledge.
MINDY (cont’d)
I told her it was actually Peter’s
idea! But she just ignored him!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 24.
PETER
Yeah! It was really invalidating!
Another society member speaks up.
FEMS MEMBER #2
Who’s the other one??
MINDY
That’s my boyfriend!
CLIFF
Cliff Gilbert. I’m a lawyer.
Harsh "BOO!!"s from all around.
FEMS MEMBER #3
(at Mindy)
You materialistic, narcissistic
lawyer-lover!
FEMS MEMBER #4
And I saw the gangly one waving and
making faces at Sylvia!
SYLVIA, the blind woman from earlier perks up at mention of
her name.
JEREMY
Excuse me, "gangly"?!
Mindy nudges him.
Sylvia’s dog starts snarling. Sylvia looks really angry.
SYLVIA
Sappho, sic ’em!
Sylvia reaches down and CLICK! Sappho’s unleashed! She
rushes at Jeremy in full attack mode.
The group SCREAMS in horror. The FEMS cheer loudly. They all
rush out the back exit.
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
25.
11 EXT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT
The limo’s parked at the curb.
Jeremy and Peter are heading into the building, carrying big
bags of Chinese take-out. Mindy follows with a bottle of
wine. Danny has two more bags of food, and Cliff reaches for
it.
CLIFF
Hey, Danny, let me carry that. You
take this.
Cliff holds up the bottle of scotch from the limo. Danny
stares at Cliff as he pries the bags out of his hands and
hands him the scotch.
DANNY
(jokingly)
You tryin’ to get me drunk? ’Cause
I gotta say, you keep these drinks
comin’, we might have a weird night
ahead of us.
CLIFF
(scoffs)
DANNY
(seriously)
No, c’mon. What is all this?
Cliff faces Danny. For the first time all night, Cliff looks
nervous. He’s gone from "Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black" to
"16-year-old virgin on prom night" in one fell swoop.
CLIFF
I just know that you and Mindy
close. And... I don’t know. I
thought if we were friends...
He sighs. Danny’s careful not to sound too hopeful.
DANNY
What, you guys having trouble or
something?
CLIFF
No, nothing like that. Just...
(earnestly)
Despite the unfolding of events
tonight, I really like her. And I
really want this to work.
Danny understands.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 26.
CLIFF
I don’t know, she’s --
DANNY
(interrupting)
Different.
Cliff looks at him. Danny’s gravely serious.
DANNY (cont’d)
She’s different. She’s special.
Whole ’nother league. Hell, whole
’nother sport.
(beat)
I’m drunk.
Danny goes inside, and Cliff follows.
12 INT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - BREAK ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Slightly worse for the wear, Mindy, Cliff, Danny, Jeremy,
and Peter have decided to still have dinner together. Mindy
and Danny are setting up a make-shift buffet on the counter
and getting some food.
MINDY
What a train wreck, huh?
DANNY
It wasn’t terrible.
Mindy shoots him a look.
DANNY (cont’d)
Okay, it’s the worst event we’ve
been to as a practice. And that’s
saying something.
She sighs and sets her sparsely-covered plate down. Danny
notices the lack of food.
DANNY (cont’d)
Alright, let’s hear it.
MINDY
I feel terrible.
DANNY
About tonight?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 27.
MINDY
Yes, about tonight, Danny! I mean,
Jasmine wasn’t wrong! A
disconcerting amount of my
decisions were influenced by men.
(beat)
Like this dress!
She stands back and gestures to her dress.
MINDY (cont’d)
(in a hushed voice)
I wore it because it goes more with
Cliff’s complexion than mine!
DANNY
Yeah, but just because Jasmine was
right doesn’t mean you were wrong.
You might’ve made those choices for
different reasons, but it doesn’t
change the importance or the
quality of the work you’ve done.
Mindy shrugs.
MINDY
It didn’t matter to them.
DANNY
It doesn’t have to matter to them.
They’re not the people whose lives
you’re changing.
(beat)
Without them, sure, yeah, programs
wouldn’t get big donations and
people wouldn’t win awards. But
without you...
(beat)
how would teens know not to stick
their birth control up their butts?
Mindy cracks a smile, but she’s still not fully cheered up
yet.
DANNY (cont’d)
Do some of that in-the-moment stuff
you keep telling me about when I’m
stressed.
(beat)
Your hair’s doing a cool swoosh
thing on the side there. Your
earrings are really dangly. Your
dress...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 28.
He gazes at her.
DANNY
Knockout.
Mindy looks at him meaningfully. Danny catches himself.
DANNY
And you’ve got Cliff.
Mindy smiles. She reaches for the noodles and puts more on
her plate.
DANNY (cont’d)
’Atta girl.
She puts even more on her plate. Danny grabs her wrist.
DANNY (cont’d)
Not that much.
Mindy narrows her eyes at him. He looks over at the table
and sees Cliff talking to Jeremy and Peter.
DANNY (cont’d)
I take it this means you and Cliff
are good?
MINDY
Yeah, he’s great.
She turns to Danny.
MINDY (cont’d)
I think I’m really happy.
Danny forces a smile.
13 INT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - BREAK ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Everyone’s seated at the table now, well into the meal.
MINDY
I feel like we need to make a group
decision on whether or not we’re
going to continue antagonizing
people. Because if we continue down
this road, I’m going to need to do
more cardio.
(beat)
Meaning that I’m going to need to
start doing cardio.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 29.
JEREMY
Did you hear her? "Gangly"? I’ve
been pounding protein shakes, but
I’m an ectomorph! It’s harder than
it looks.
MINDY
Aw, don’t listen to her.
PETER
Yeah. You’ve got the hair of a
young Hugh Grant, the smile of a
young Hugh Grant, and the build of
a young, buff, not awkward Hugh
Grant.
CLIFF
Is that the only British guy you
know?
PETER
No, I just think Jeremy looks like
a Hugh Grant.
(beat)
Is Thor British?
MINDY
So, I’m not one for speeches...
The guys groan.
MINDY (cont’d)
But I want to say thanks for coming
and supporting me tonight. I know I
have a few flaws as a co-worker --
JEREMY
Loud and obnoxious.
PETER
Overly-enthusiastic.
DANNY
Prone to speech-making.
MINDY
Okay, jeez.
Danny gestures for the wine bottle, and Jeremy hands it to
him. He pours some wine into an empty cup.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 30.
DANNY
Hey, you deserved that award. And
of course we got your back.
Danny passes the cup over to Cliff. Cliff smiles and takes
it.
Danny raises his cup.
DANNY (cont’d)
No man left behind.
Mindy looks at him meaningfully. They all raise their
glasses.
EVERYONE
No man left behind!
They drink.
END ACT THREE
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 31.
TAG
14 INT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - MINDY’S OFFICE - MORNING
Mindy is reading over a patient file. Someone KNOCKS at the
door.
MINDY
Come in!
Peter enters, his hands behind his back. He smiles at Mindy.
Mindy smiles back, confused.
MINDY (cont’d)
(cautiously)
What’cha got there, Pete?
Peter walks over to Mindy’s desk and sets the FEMS plaque on
Mindy’s desk.
Mindy is visibly touched by this gesture. Peter smiles
nervously at her.
PETER
Also, I ate your cake in the break
room fridge.
Mindy’s glare turns ice cold.
MINDY
You may show yourself out.
Peter nervously and slowly leaves Mindy’s office, carefully
closing the door.
Mindy sighs and pulls out a PLATE OF CAKE from her desk.
MINDY (cont’d)
Good thing I have my trusty ol’
back-up cake.
She eats some.
MINDY (cont’d)
(sing-song)
Back-up cake!
END