Midnight in Cairo

8/2/2019 Midnight in Cairo

1/17

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Midnight in Cairo(Based on Midnight in Paris by Woody Allen)

Written By These Guys Again

Mesch & Cod

(Pictured in reverse order & now have much less hair)

4/6/2012


2/17

2

INT. JetBlue Flight 18 from LAX to RSA (Random Suburban Airport)

- Midnight

Al Green, a Hollywood screenwriter sits in his first class seat

with a laptop in front of him typing away. Next to him sits his

beautiful fiance Sarah Schechter, iPad in hand, picking out

different themes for their wedding on Pinterest.

Al: Do you remember which commandment was the 7th one?

Sarah: I think its dont interrupt your soon to be wife while

shes pinning super cute things.

Al Remembers

Al: Got it. Dont murder. Thats it!

Sarah: Al, look at this mason jar on top of a table cloth. We

have to have these at our wedding.

Al: Honey, do you think you could read a few of the new pages I

wrote for my script? Im having trouble really getting into the

character's psyche.

She ignores him.

Sarah: Look at these cookies! These are a must for the wedding.

And what do you think of that bookcase? Maybe we could put a

bookcase like that in our living room.

Al: That would be great. Ive needed a place to put my books.

Sarah: Not for books, for potted plants silly.

Al: Books in a bookcase, silly me.

Flight Attendant (V.O.): We will be landing in approximately 25

minutes.

Al starts to sweat.


3/17

3

Sarah: Are you sweating?

Al: You know I get nervous before I see your parents.

Sarah: Why do you get so nervous? Just read when you are asked

to, only speak when spoken to, dont look my father in the eye,

dont mention our cousin Ned in jail, dont talk about fishing,

dubstep, Obama or the Giants... football or baseball. And just

have fun!

Al (Sarcastic): I mean whats there to sweat about?

INT. The Schecter dining room. The Seder table is beautifully

decorated, almost too well decorated. Theyve finished the seder

and are having dessert. At the table is the family, and LAWRENCE

a preppy snob from temple.

Lawrence: So I put the new heart into the teenager just a second

before it was too late and now he will be competing in the next

Olympics. He asked me to come, but I just cant leave the

hospital.

Mr. Sarahs Dad: Now thats impressive! Sarah, arent you glad I

invited Lawrence from Temple to bring some intelligence to the

meal? Al, what are you doing with your life? Writing anotherplay about your insecurities?

Al: Actually, Paramount hired me to write a remake of The Ten

Commandments.

Mr. Sarahs Dad: Was the original not good enough? Why do you

need a remake? Next thing you know theyre going to remake

Psycho or The Manchurian Candidate.

Al: Actually both-

Sarah shoots Al the death stare.

Al: They dont make them like they used to.


4/17

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Mr. Sarahs Dad: Sarah, that may be the first wise thing your

friend has ever said.

Al (Sarcastic): Friend. Fiance. Same thing right?

Mr. Sarahs Dad: Are you sure you want to marry a writer? Why

not someone with a stable career like a doctor. Do you sweat

Lawrence? Al sweats.

Al gets up from the table.

Al: Im actually not feeling well so Im going to go for a walk.

Do you want to come Sarah?

Sarah: Sure.

Lawrence: What a shame, I thought I would sit by the Piano and

we could sing a few songs. Maybe have a hot drink.

Sarah: Actually, I think Im gonna stay here instead, but you

have a nice walk sweetie.

Al: Love you too...

EXT: Cute little local pond.

The moon is shining over the rural pond and Al is skipping rocks

across the water. On the next rock he skips, the pond parts.

Al: Lets sing songs around the piano over a hot drink. Jews

dont do that. We eat, we bang the table, we eat some more.

Complain a little, eat a little more, and then fall asleep. Dear

G-d Im already having a tough time getting inspired, this

Lawrence isnt helping. Please feel free to step in with a

little inspiration at any moment.

Al skips a rock.

Al: What the?!

The pond parts.


5/17

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Al: I dont really like unexpected things, but what the hell.

This night couldnt get any worse.

Al walks through the pond and crosses through only to find

himself in the desert; but near the Nile, so its not super

desert-y.

Sheep: Baaaaaa!

A sheep comes running by and Al follows it into a cave where the

sounds of a rowdy partying are pouring out of the entrance. Al

hears the sounds of the first ever klezmer band playing Hava

Nagila with wind instruments made of wood. A bartender comes

by, but everyone is dressed in biblical garb.

Bartender: Schevitz?

Al: Dont mind if I do.

Al sips the wine.

Al: Mmm Schevitz. Always crappy. Always delicious.

Al stands next to aman in an 80s neon Technicolor coat. Theylook at a man in the middle of the room putting his hand in a

fire.

Al: Who is that guy?

Joseph: Oh, thats Nachshon. Hell do literally anything for

attention.

Al: Wow.

Joseph: I know this is gonna sound crazy, but Im having deja

vu. I feel like Ive seen you before, maybe in a dream?


6/17

6

Al: I dont know. Not that Im aware of. (Sees his beautiful

coat) From one guy to another thats a really nice coat youve

got there.

Joseph: You think so?

Al: Not everyone could pull it off, but it works for you.

Joseph: You know what? Thank you. I wasnt sure about it because

my brothers were all jealous that I had it and its pretty loud.

But I just love it.

Al: Yeah, lots of color. Its red and yellow and green and

brown and scarlet and black and ochre.

Joseph (Please sing if you know the tune from Joseph): And

peach, and ruby, and olive, and violet, and fawn, and lilac, and

gold, and chocolate, and mauve.

Al stops. He realizes he just met Joseph from the bible. He pans

the room. He sees all the great characters from the bible. A

snake serving an apple to Adam and Eve, Abraham telling the

story of how he almost sacrificed Isaac, Noah at a booth with

two giraffes, and Jacob wrestling an angel. Joseph breaks into

another hit. Sing if you know the tune.

Joseph: I look handsome, I look smart. I am a walking work of

art.

At this point sing as manyJoseph and the Technicolor Dream

Coatsongs as your table desires. A little songed out, Al walks

over to a guy standing alone in the corner.

Al: Who are you? Why dont you go and talk to everyone else?

Cain: Im not really that popular. After killing my brother

people stay away from me. Its an accident I tell you though, an

accident!

A shofar sounds. The biblical party planner, Claudis Bnai

Templesmith, gets everyone's attention. Al goes back over and

stands next to Joseph.


7/17

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Templesmith: Ladies and Gentlemen, Sparrows and Hawks and Apes,

I present to you the man of the hour. Drum roll please.

All: *drum roll*

Templesmith: Coming in a 6 foot 3 inches, 215 pounds and a beard

that you could take a nap on, please welcome MOSES!!!!!

Moses enters and embraces all of the applause from the fellow

legends of the bible. Al leans over to Joseph.

Al: Is that him?

Joseph: Thats him.

Moses: Im not really much for words, but you know, you spend

your whole life searching for who you are, and sometimes it

takes something impossible to get clarity. Like a burning bush.

Lucky for me, tonight I now know who I am. I am a Jew and I know

what I must to do.

Moses raises his glass.

Moses: Lchayim!

All: Lchayim!

Al is in utter disbelief. Could this really be Moses? He had to

find out.

Al: Excuse me, are you really Moses?

Moses: Yes, pleasure to meet you.

Al: You have no idea how awesome it is to meet you.

Moses: I havent really done anything yet.

Al: But you will!


8/17

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Moses: Thanks for your enthusiasm. What did you say your name

was?

Al: I didnt. Its Al Green. I cant believe Im meeting you. In

the flesh. Im just surprised that you dont have a stutter. All

the books say you have a stutter.

A caterer walks by and hands Moses a hot drinks and he sips it.

Moses: OWWWW! Thats h-h-hot.

Al: Never mind what I said.

Al slaps his face to make sure hes not dreaming.

Al: Its really you! Ive got so many questions. You see, Im a

bit of a screenwriter and Im actually writing this fantastic

film about the 10 commandments-

Moses: The 10 what?

Al: The 10 commandments. Gods laws? Never mind, do you want to

get a cup of coffee, I mean grab a drink? Hang out by a well or

something?

Moses: Sure, but now I am off to Egypt. Ive got a people to

save.

Everyone: Good luck Moses!

Cain: He kills an Egyptian task master, and now hes the chosen

one who everyone celebrates. I kill my brother and Im the nerd

at the party who no one will dance with. Go figure.

Delilah walks by holding a pair of scissors.

Cain: Excuse me-

Delilah: Not a chance.

Cain: The one that got away


9/17

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The scene in the cave vanishes before Als eyes. Next thing we

know he is back at the foot of the pond. Al returns back to the

Schechter home to go to sleep, but not before writing a few

pages of his script.

INT. Sarahs bedroom- Morning

Al: - You would not believe it! I swear it all happened right

before my eyes!

Sarah: Maybe you shouldnt have all the required glasses of wine

at tonight's Seder.

Al: Tonight, you can come with me. Im going back!

Sarah: I wish I could, but Lawrence invited me to a gallery

opening.

Al: What gallery opening?

Sarah: His own, when he doesnt do open heart transplants he is

a world renowned impressionist painter.

Al: You could do that, or you could come with me and meet everycharacter you ever studied about at Sunday School?!?!?!

Sarah: Why dont you have fun with your imagination honey and

Ill catch up with you later.

Al: Whatever makes you happy sweetie.

Sarah gives him a kiss on the cheek and leaves.

EXT. By the local pond - Late evening

Al tries to convince himself about Sarah.

Al: Sarah, definitely loves me. Well, I think she loves me. Even

though she doesnt always support me, love is about more than

support. Right?


10/17

10

Al skips a rock and waits for the pond to magically part. It

works! This time, he ends up at the front steps of the ancient

Egyptian Palace of Pharaoh. Things are very busy.

Moses: Al, perfect timing!

The Seder all stars including Moses, Miriam, Aaron, and now Al

enter the palace.

Al: Can I ask you a question?

Moses: Sure.

Al: How did you distract the guards long enough to get into the

palace?

Moses: You see that naked man over there with the guards chasing

after him?

Al: Yeah?

Moses: Thats Nachshon. Hell do literally anything for

attention.

Moses and his posse approach the throne.

Moses: Pharaoh, let my people go!

Pharaoh: No, no, no. I will not let them go!

Al lets out a big

Al: Wow!

A hush falls over the crowd, everyone looks at Al.

Al: Sorry, its just like thats the big moment you know.

Moses: As I was saying, Let my people go!


11/17

11

Pharaoh: I will not let them-

Before Pharaoh finishes his sentance.

Al: Get him Moses!

Everyone is quiet once again. Moses goes over to Al.

Moses: Its great that you are excited, but can we save all that

excitement for later?

Al: Sure. No problem, Moses. (to himself)I still cant believe

Im talking to Moses.

Moses: Let my people go!

Pharaoh: You cant go. Not now, not ever.

Al blurts out..

Al: Will see about that after the plagues!

A hush over the crowd again. Moses comes back to Al.

Al: How about I just dont talk at things like this in thefuture.

Moses: If you could let me get a few of my punch lines in that

would be nice.

Al: Sure Moses. My bad.

CUT TO A MONTAGE!

ItsAls wildest of movie dreams coming to life as the Plaguemontage begins. Wham!s Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go plays as

we see the blood in the water, frogs in the bed, cattle dying,

boils on the peoples. Imagine Al is on a Disney ride passing by

scenes of all the plagues happening in front of him. Lice comes

and then Darkness and then sadly the death of the first born.


12/17

12

INT. SLAVE QUARTERS BAR

Al and Moses are having a heart to heart over a beer.They

earned after keeping it together through all the plagues.

Moses: I know Pharaoh has decided to let us go, but its a shame

that we had to put his people through so much to be free. I wish

Pharaoh just let us go the first time.

Al: You know, I always thought that. Like what a tough reality

that it took awful plagues for someone to wake up and see what

they were doing was wrong.

Al sees in the corner a couple laughing and having a nice time.

Al: I miss that.

Moses: Me too. Its been hard with all these plagues and saving

the Jewish people to get some real QT with Tzipi. I miss the

days we were just tending the flock and enjoying the Desert.

Stumbling upon a different oasis now and then to take a bath.

Counting the sheep before we went to sleep and talking about

opening up a little boutique tent for desert wanderers.

Al: Sounds nice.

Moses: Yeah. I miss it. Luckily though I got the most supportive

wife and we still have fun whenever we get a free moment. I

dont know if I could have done any of this without her...and G-

d of course. You feel that way about your lady?

Al doesnt say anything at that moment, Aaron comes over.

Aaron: I met a girl the other day building a new pyramid. Tried

to chat her up, but she was stone cold.

Following the worst joke in the script, the scene disintegrates

and Al is back at the pond. He heads back to the Schechter home

and writes a few pages in his script before falling asleep.

INT. Sarahs bedroom- The Next Morning


13/17

13

Al is mid sentence.

Al: Come with me tonight. I need you to see what Im seeing. I

want you to meet Moses!

Sarah: I wish I could, but Im doing couples yoga with Lawrence.

Al: Couples yoga?

Sarah: Yeah, just a couple of friends doing yoga.

Al: I just wanna say I think its really weird how much stuff

you guys do together. And Id prefer you at least not do things

that have the word couple literally in the title.

Sarah: Ugh, Al.

Al: Also, Im not coming to third Seder tonight. For several

reasons. One, who has a third Seder? Two, Im still full from

the first two nights and we havent even touched the leftovers.

Three, Im going back to the pond.

Sarah: Al, when you get back we need to talk....

Al: I think we do too.

EXT. Pond - That night.

Back at the pond there is a beautiful girl sitting on a bench.

Heavy heart.

Al: Hey.

Monique: Hey.

Al: Whats your name?

Monique: Monique.

Al: You spell that with a q? Or, how do you do that?


14/17

14

Monique chuckles.

Monique: Yes, with a Q. Whats your name?

Al: Al. What brings you here?

Monique: Honestly, Im just visiting my boyfriends family for

Passover. It has not been going well at all. I told him I just

couldnt do another Seder. Like two is enough.

Al: Thank you! What it is with this town? Who does more than two

Seders? Its just crazy.

Monique: Plus they dont even take the time to tell the story,

which is the most important part.

Al: I couldnt agree more!Its not even fair that they call it

Seder if they dont tell our story. Its just consecutive dinner

party hosting.

Monique chuckles again sweetly. Al thinks for a second.

Al: Hey, can I show you something?

Monique: Generally I dont trust a stranger in the park who asksme that question.

Al: Not like that, I promise.

Monique: Ok.

Al skips the rock, they walk through the pond, and low and

behold they are at the shores of the Red Sea. All of the

Israelites are there. The mob is in a panic.

Monique: What is this?

Al: I was hoping we would arrive at this part in the story.

Monique is wide eyed and in disbelief.


15/17


16/17

16

Moses: Used to do it all the time back in the day.

Moses takes the stone, and side arm tosses it into the water. It

skips perfectly 5 times before falling into the waves. But

still, nothing happens.

Monique: Wait! Remember that part of the story where some guy

runs in the water first? I swear, theres supposed to be some

guy that goes in, but I cant remember his name.

Al: Well, is there anyone here willing to take a leap of faith?

In that grave moment, a man starts running from the back of the

crowd towards the shores of the Red Sea. The people move aside.

Oh my! Hes going to take the first leap into the

water!!!!Simultaneously Moses naturally lifts his rod in the air

again.

Nachshon: Cannonnnnnnnnnnbaaaaaaaallllllllll!

Monique: Who is that?

Moses: Thats Nachshon. Hell do literally anything for

attention.

Nachshon leaps, knees tucked under his chest, into the water and

after he does, the sea parts. Nachshon is left sitting on the

ocean floor. Seeing an exit towards freedom he gets up very

quickly and urges the Israelites to follow him.

Nachshon: Come on everyone! We are free!

Monique grabs Als hand as Al Greens Tired of Being Alone

starts to play. The Israelites walk through the parted sea like

its Soul Train. (Feel free to do this at your own Seder if you

are feeling the spirit).

Moses: Al, you should be at the front.

Al: Ill bring up the rear.

Moses: You got it Al. And let me just say, its been a pleasure.


17/17

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Al: The pleasure was all mine.

Al and Monique are the last two to cross the sea. When they get

all the way across the scene fades and they are back on the

shores of the pond. Al stares at Monique and remembers what

Moses said at the party in the cave on his first visit to the

past.

Al: Sometimes you spend your whole life searching for who you

are, and sometimes it takes something impossible to get clarity.

They kiss.Somehow Cain appears behind him.

Cain: Why does everyone get the girl but me!

FADE TO BLACK.

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Midnight in Cairo