Mga Sulat Ko Kasi Hindi Na Ako Marunong At Baka Magpakamatay Na Ako

8/16/2019 Mga Sulat Ko Kasi Hindi Na Ako Marunong At Baka Magpakamatay Na Ako

1/24

Compilation ng shit ko na pwede ninyong ilakad sa Palanca para manalo ako post-humously ng

awards and fans a la Franz Kafka

(mga gawa ni Adrienne Onday)


2/24

Sira ang aking orasan. (12/29/15)

wala tayong likas na salitang panukat sa panahon

hindi atin ang

oras

minuto

segundong

gamit upang sukatin ang paggalaw ng !ituin sa langit"

From #https$%%twitter"com%&tapsilog%status%'*++,,'.'+*'+/

mayroon lamang tayong

sandali

(teka lang)

saglit

(hintay)

upang sukatin ang paglipas

tulad ng pagdaplis ng iyong mga daliri sa aking !alat"


mayroong

dapithapon

(paalam)

takipsilim

https://twitter.com/_tapsilog/status/681804459563864064https://twitter.com/_tapsilog/status/681804459563864064https://twitter.com/_tapsilog/status/681804459563864064https://twitter.com/_tapsilog/status/681804459563864064


3/24

(tulog na)

!ukang-liwayway

(magkita tayong muli)--

tutungo0 tatago0 sisikat

iikot ang araw sa mundo"


at ako0

tulad ng ating wika$

mayroong

Kahapon

kanina

ngayon

!ukas

kina!ukasan"

ikaw

ikaw

ikaw

ikaw

ikaw"

https://twitter.com/_tapsilog/status/681804459563864064https://twitter.com/_tapsilog/status/681804459563864064


4/24

ikaw ang sukat ng aking panahon"


N28. (11/28/15)

1angina0 !asahin mo ako

2asahin mo akong parang aklat mong pa!orito

2asahin mo akong parang dyaryo tuwing 3inggo

2asahin mo akong parang gawain mo sa kolehiyo

2asahin mo akong parang nais mo akong isapuso

2asahin mo akong parang damdaming nais kong itago

4ahil nagtatago ako

4ahil hindi ko dapat ipakita sa iyo

4ahil nahihiya ako at gusto kong pilitin mo

Oo0 pala!asin mo ako5ilahin mo6t isiwalat sa ilalim ng ilaw0 parang anino

7usto kong hindi magtago

7usto kong intindihin mo

7usto kong titigan at suriin at himayin mo ako

8andito lang0 sa !alat ko

8akaukit sa mukha ang !awat sim!olo

8akakapit sa lalamunan ang pani!ugho

9ana6y nakikita mo (8akikita mo !a ako:)

(Para kay ;ince")

https://twitter.com/_tapsilog/status/681804459563864064https://twitter.com/_tapsilog/status/681804459563864064


5/24

Untitled. (2/2/2016)

Binabaybay ng dyip ang mga kalsadang mas kabisado ko pa sa Ama Namingpilit na isinasaksak sa lalamunan ko mula noong tatlong taon pa lamang ako.

Parepare!ong gusali" ta#iran" stop lig!t" at barikada ang lumilipad papalikodna parang daplis ng kulay at tunog lamang sa kamalayan ko.

$indi ko maalala kung kailan nagbago ang pagtingin ko" ngunit tandangtanda ko pa kung kailan ko namalayang !indi na pare!o ang tinitingnan ko.

Ngayong pinapanood kong lapatan ng gulong ang tumatakas na aspalto"may munting kirot na !atid ang mga tana#in" kirot na !indi ko mailara#anmaliban sa parang paboritong damit na namantsa!an o pagkaing na!ulog sasa!ig na !indi na maibabalik pa.

%inaanan nating magkasama ang mga eskinita&t kalsadang ito" minsan" isangpamumukadkad ng puno na ang nakalipas. 'umutugtog noon nang malakasang radyo" at kinuku#ento mo ang bunso mong kapatid at ang !uling besesna umi!i ka sa pader ng gusali. 'umata#a lang ako" #alang pagdadala#angisip o pagdadalam!ati" #alang alam sa pagtatapos na bibitbitin ng !ina!arapnatin.

Ang tagal na no&n" ngunit may pait pa rin sa aking mga labi" na para banggamot na sana lang ay #alang ibang !angad kung !indi angpangmatagalang paggaling ng isang ma!inang baga at mabagal na puso.

Nasa isip ko pa rin ang gabing iyon" ma!igit tatlong beses sa isang linggo. 'inatanong ko pa rin sa sarili ko kung pinagsisisi!an mo bang na#ala ako sabu!ay mo.

%a!il !anggang ngayon" nagsisisi ako na !indi na kita makausap tulad nangdati.

At da!il ngayon" sa isipan ko" sa atin pa rin ang kalsadang ito.

(Para kay


6/24

Isa, dalawa, tatlo. (2/15/15)

isang ulap0 isang !ituin

isang !agay na =di mapapasa6kin

isang lundag0 isang lipad

isang ga!i sa isang siyudad

dalawang salita0 dalawang !uwan

dalawang katagang iniwan

dalawang sagot0 dalawang tao

dalawang !uhay sa magka!ilang mundo

tatlong !iro0 tatlong !eses

tatlong magkakasunod na huwe!es

tatlong su!ok0 tatlong alay

tatlong awit na pumukaw sa malay

isang tuwa0 dalawang kasapi

tatlong panahong nag!akasakali

tatlong tanong sa ilalim ng araw

dalawang lugar at isang ikaw"

(Para kay 7uido")


7/24

Sigaw. (2015)

8gayong ga!i0 maraming matutulog nang mahim!ing"

8gayong ga!i0 marami ring hindi patutulugin"

1ila !ina!angungot kami nang gising na hindi lang sa pagtaas ng !uwan natatali"

9a pagdating ng umaga0 kasing-pula ng sumisikat na araw ang lupang sina!uyan ng dugo at luha

namin"

Pinatay0 pinapatay0 at mamamatay" >as marami pang mawawala sa mga susunod na araw"

Kahit ang pagsigaw namin ay hindi pinapansin"

ali !a ang paghingi ng kapayapaan: >ali !ang humingi ng kaalaman: >ali !ang matuto para

lang sa akin0 para sa aking mga kapatid0 para lang matuto0 para lang maa!ot ang pangarap ko0

para lang maiahon ang pamilya sa hirap:

9ampu0 dalawampu"

8akakatulog pa rin sila nang mahim!ing"

>ga !aril at i!a pang armas ang dala nila sa lupain"

4ugo namin ang kanilang ipinandidilig" 5indi ko inakalang ganoon kapula ang dugo" 5indi ko

inakalang ganoon karami ang tutulo"

Ang nirerespeto naming mga pinuno0 ang mga minamahal naming guro" >ga kapit!ahay0 kalaro0

kai!igan"

>atutulog kang may kata!i" >agigising kang?!angkay"

3imampu0 sandaan"

>as mahirap nang magpanggap na !ingi"

>asakit na ang lalamunan mo: Paano naman ako:

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8/24

Paano naman akong ilang taon nang nag-iingay0 dahil walang nakikinig0 dahil masyado kaming

malayo para marinig:


9/24

Uncertainly. (10/0/15)

5indi ako narito sa mundo upang sayangin ang panahon ng aking pamamalagi na pigilin ang

sariling mahalin ka"

8asu!ukan ko na ang lahat?ang pagtitig sa ma!agal na patak0 patak0 patak ng oras na para !angmanipis na kumot na nagpapala!o sa aking mga mata ang paggugol sa aking oras sa pag-inom

ng kung anu-anong lason at pagkain ng kung anu-anong mapait upang pagmukhaing !umi!ilis

ang panahon ang pagliwaliw sa mga nakasisilaw na ilaw at naka!i!inging ingay upang alisin

ang utak ko sa pangalan at mukha mo0 sa gaspang ng mga kamay at init ng !rasong kinikilala

kong iyo"

5indi tumatala!"

>as lumalala lang ang aking kalagayan sa pagtanggi sa tungkulin kong i!igin ka nang !uong

utak at kaluluwa" Kaya isang araw0 namulat akot !umangon" 8gayong araw na ito0 wika ko0

aakuin ko na nang !uong-!uo ang papel ko sa mundong maging masugid na tagahangat taga-

i!ig mo" @ala nang oras pang sasayangin0 walang laway na papanisin0 walang luhang hindi

patutuluin0 walang salitang lulunukin0 walang damdaming hindi tatangkilikin"

Kung mga !agay siguro tayo0 orasan tayong dalawa"


10/24

!"i"#anies. ($/21/2015)


11/24

%eca&se w#at i' y "lane cras#ed, on t#e way #oe 'ro a"an to *anila, and I wasn+t

"re"ared, and I co&ldn+t tell yo& w#at I 'eel 'or yo& (8/21/2015)


12/24

Untitled. (/22/2015)

2ack in the day0 when women shared the same respect and no!ility as men

1here was a cele!ration for the first time a girl in the Billage menstruates

en with swords and crosses !arged in and interrupted0 and took the men who were carrying you

to their ships

1hey dropped you on the ground and your garments and oliBe skin !ecame muddy and unclean

Iou would haBe !een a hum!le princess0 what they called abinukot

And you would haBe had a royal life0 serBing your people in your own way

2ut they forced you to grow up much too soon

5ardened you with callouses and scars and !ruises all oBer your once pure and un!lemished skin

And your people0 they !eat them

9tepped on them and threw them aside like your people were nothing0 like they owned you0 like

you were nothing else !ut a slaBe !orn for their pleasure

Iour people0 they cried0 Where’s justice? Where’s our due?

And some eBen asked0 This is our land, our country, but why do aliens with alabaster skin and

hair of corn run it without knowing every pulse in its every vein?

And again theyre trying to !eat you down

2ecause you dont fit in their idea of a pure and su!missiBe woman

Iou dont su!scri!e to the smooth frail fingers and white dresses anymore

1hey say youre dying0 already dead


13/24

2ut they dont know youBe metamorphosed into something that will surBiBe !eyond any a!use0

any pain0 any hardship

Iou cut your long !lack hair and you picked out sacks of grain and grimy pants

IouBe learned to !ecome anyone0 kargador, katulong, tubero, takatak, palengkera, basurera

Ioure not in hiding0 youre Eust !iding your time

And waiting0 still waiting for your people to feel it again

Feel the thro!!ing !eat of the drum in their Beins

Feel the fire raze their skins like a sun in the middle of >ay

Feel the shackles dig into their arms and legs as those with skin like snow youll neBer knowwork them like horses and not people

2ide your time0 Pilipinas

2ide your time and your people will rise

And your hearts will !eat as one

And your throats will !e raw and !leeding with the deafening screams

Asking for Kalayaan0 Kalayaan, nasaan ka na?


14/24

S&gal. (9/1/2015- www.'aceook.co/edia/set/

seta.$1859928.10180.$90$10$08ty"e)

8oong J0 ga!i ng pag-aalsa ng CaBite

8adawit si Padre Hacinto Lamora sa gulo

8ang mahulog sa kamay ng mga Kastila

Ang sulat na ito$

1engo polBora y municiones"G

I have powder and unitions!

>ayroon akong pul!urat armas"

Patungkol sa pagsusugal at !araha ang sulat

8gunit sa mata ng may masamang hangarin

9u!ersi!o0 kala!an ang inosenteng pari

Ang dapat na pera0 ay naging !uhay na naisugal at !uhay na nagkataning"

7inarote si Padre Lamora kasama sina Padre >ariano 7omez at Padre Hose 2urgos"


15/24

At higit .*0*** pa"

8atalo sila nang isa!ong si 1eodoro Patino sa pagsu!ok na ikinasira ng mga plano0 ngunit

ikinasilang ng tunay na pagla!an"

'" Hose Mizal"

>atagal na siyang naglalaro" 8gunit maging ang pinakaswerteng sugarol ay natatalo rin"

3ahat ng naipanalot na!awi niyang panahon ay !inawi rin"

Consummatum NstG

It is finished!

1apos na"

Pinaigting ng kanyang pagkamatay ang re!olusyon"

" onte"


16/24

taong gulang" 1umulong magpalaya sa mga dinakip sa 3aguna" 8akipagla!an upang masagip

at gamutin ang mga nasugatang kasamahan"

8a!uhay siya hanggang *0 at luma!an naman hanggang sa huli para sa karapatan ng mga

kapwa sundalong Pilipino"

J hanggang " 2awat re!elde0 manunulat0 at kahit si!ilyan"

2awat isang luma!as at luma!ag at lumakad0 para sa kalayaan"

2awat isang natakot0 ngunit tumaya para sa pag!a!ago"

*," 9AF++"

Pamahalaan o terorista: >aging ang tunay na kala!an ay hindi kilala" 8gunit para sa sarili0 para

sa pamilya0 para sa !ayan?sumugod at sumugal"

5indi napapanahon ang mga !ayani" 5indi na!i!ilang sa mga kamay at paa ang mga sakripisyo

at mga pusta na natalo at nawala para lamang sa !ansa" 5indi pang-matanda lamang hindi pang-

patay" 5indi pang-noon"

8gayon"


17/24

8gayon"


18/24

or $ulya pt. 2. (12//201)

*ometimes + glan,e around and -eel like somet!ing is missing. + like to t!inkt!at t!ere&s al#ays a spa,e beside me #!ere you s!ould be. +t&s kind o-

,li,! to say but you kno# my li-e is an indie lm any#ay.

ou kno# t!at.

ou o- all people kno# t!at.

ou o- all people s!ould kno# t!at. '!at #ay #e ,ould !ae preentedanyt!ing t!at ,ould make eeryt!ing mu,! more ,tional.

But suns!ine" you #ere ,tional. ou #ere unreal. ou #ere a gment o- t!eimagination. ou #ere eeting. ou #ere barely tangible. ou #ere -ading.

+t -eels like eeryt!ing in t!e #orld is" to be !onest3 it -eels like +&m t!e onlyreal t!ing t!at ,an eer be tou,!ed and !eld and s!aped and imprintedupon" be,ause you didn&t een leae a trail o- bread,rumbs nor toss upleaes" but + ,an see t!e !andprints -rom #!ere your ngers ,ir,led my #ristand tou,!ed my ba,k #!en you !ugged me. ou didn&t leae anyt!ing elsebut a glo# o- residue lig!t -rom a '4 s,reen" like all o- you are pro5e,tions o-a beauti-ul li-e + ,ould en5oy set against a ba,kdrop o- ,oal and re anddestru,tion. An illusion" a pretense" a mirage in t!e par,!ed desert o- a s!orteig!teen years& trek into t!e ast unkno#n.

+&m glad + !ad t!is !allu,ination.

+&m glad to !ae !ad your image !olding my !and and keeping my nig!ts#arm and brig!t -or t!e duration o- your stay.

ou #ere #armer and brig!ter t!an any star t!at ,ould eer !ae been bornor birt!ed in t!is galay" but neer distant and ,old. ou #eren&t re" 7ee3 no"you #ere a gentle glo#" a rey you must !ae -roli,ked #it! in 7os Ba8osduring your ,!ild!ood" an ember -alling o9 my mom&s ,igarette in t!e pit,!bla,k nig!t. :om-orting to see" ot!er#orldly" but so" so alie

ou #eren&t" and neer #ere ,tional. ;omentary" t!at&s -or sure3 but you#ere neer any less real t!an +" neer less real t!an t!is ,onstant pain in t!emiddle o- my -ore!ead nor t!e one burning a#ay in my ,!est.

7ast nig!t" + #is!ed on a plane t!inking it #as a star" t!e rst star + sa# t!atnig!t. + t!oug!t #rong" t!oug!" be,ause my #is! 5ust e# to t!e #est ,oast


19/24

and ran a#ay -rom me. + guess t!at&s neer ,oming true. + guess seeing you#ould !ae to be some pla,e else.

3ar&ki *&rakai. (5/1/2015)

+ #at,!ed t!e ground -or a #!ile. '!e sky #as gray and t!ere #asn&t enoug!lig!t to ,ast s!ado#s #it!. '!en t!e sun peeked out -or a ,ouple o- se,onds.+t #as like a spotlig!t on a stage" being dimmed or brig!tened -or a s,ene.

+ #at,!ed t!e sunlig!t dim again" t!e s!ado#s o- t!e leaes -rom t!e bran,!oer!ead standing stark against t!e ,ement and t!en -ading into it #!en t!e,louds s#allo#ed t!e sun on,e more.

+ eagerly #aited -or t!e sunlig!t to stream t!roug! again. And + !ad to stopt!en< + reali=ed #aiting eagerly -or t!e s!ado#s and t!e brig!t orange lig!t#as like #aiting -or you. +t #as >uiet and beauti-ul" and yet + !ad no ,ontroloer it" no ,ertainty o- you ,oming ba,k" no reassuran,e t!at you #ould lig!tup and make s!ado#s on,e more #!en you&re already gone.


20/24

Untitled. (10/2/201)

ou kno# +&d drop #!ateer + #as doing -or you" #!et!er you #ere !al-#ayaround t!e #orld or !al- out t!e door. ?ust say t!e #ord and +&ll leae

eeryt!ing< t!is ratty dorm room" t!e dinner + spent !ours trying to get rig!t"t!e 5udgmental oi,es +&m -or,ed to ,all my -amily. @eryt!ing +&d leae -oryou.

Be,ause #e&re in a long distan,e relations!ip.

But !o# ,ould + say t!at #!en you&re sitting rig!t t!ere" an arm&s lengt!a#ay -rom me $o# ,ould +" #!en t!ere&s no more t!an !al- a meterseparating us at most as #e #alk do#n t!e dim streets $o# ,ould +" #!enyour arm brus!es mine" and you pay it no mind #!ile it sends s!o,ks o-ele,tri,ity all oer my skin

$o# ,ould +" #!en t!ere&s not een a semblan,e o- a relations!ip #it! us!en you make me -eel like stars are eploding into beginnings and endsinside me" but + make you -eel+ make you -eel not!ing at all !en t!e onlydistan,e is t!e distan,e -rom my !eart to yours" some t!ree lig!tyears a#ay<2C.DC trillion kilometers o- ,old #ind and painstaking spa,e rein-or,ing t!eoid" t!e not!ingness bet#een us

*ome longdistan,e relations!ip t!is is.


21/24

Untitled. (E/1/201)

$inabol kita.

'ina#ag ko ang pangalan mo at tinakbo ko ang ka!abaan ng eskinita upangma!ila ang manggas ng damit mo at paikutin ka" pa!arapin ka sa akin.

'inapik ko ang balikat mo. Ngunit sa pag!arap mo" iba na ang nakita ko.

$indi na muk!a mo.

Nakita ko ang sarili ko.

Nakita ko ang ba#at lukot sa muk!a na tanda ng bilang ng mga taongnagsisinungaling ako sa sarili ko. Nakita ko ang ba#at batik ng putik

alikabok at pa#is na nagtatakda ng tunay na lugar ko sa mundo. Nakita koang pekeng ngiti" ang pagod at mabagal na pagpikit ng mata" ang /sorry na"!indi na mauulit" pasensya na" bukas na lang/ na nakasabit sa iyong mgalabi. Ako ba ang naglagay niyan Ako ba ang nagi#an ng mga salitangnakauumay pakinggan" mula sa !uling beses na !inalikan kita (at pangako"iyon ay !uling!uli na) $inabol kita.

'ina#ag ko ang pangalan mo at tinakbo ko ang ka!abaan ng eskinita upangma!ila ang manggas ng damit mo at paikutin ka" pa!arapin ka sa akin.

'inapik ko ang balikat mo. Ngunit sa pag!arap mo" iba na ang nakita ko.

Nakita ko ang sarili ko.

At doon ko naramdamang na!ulog ang puso ko upang tuna#in ng asido. Atdoon ko nalamang !indi na kita iniibig. %a!il ika# ay ako na. At pasensya na"na sinira ko ang mga pangarap mo. At pasensya na" na inalis ko ang mgakislap sa mata mo.


22/24


23/24

8agsilayuan sila sa !ata kasi ma!aho raw siya"


24/24

ay kata!i pala sila: 5indi pala sila nag-iisa:

8gumiti ako" 3umingon sa iyo" 8gunit wala ka na0 puting kamisa na may a!o na lang at !uto at

isang madugong !olo"

>ay munting apoy pa sa manggas mo"

2inaling kong muli ang tingin ko sa mga kasama ko" 8akita namin ang isa6t isa" 1umahimik"

9a!ay-sa!ay naming tinanong"

"9ino !a tayo:

9a mga hawak nating kandila0 nilapit natin ang papel na lukot at luma na"

8a!asa ko ang pangalan ko"

Alam na natin kung sino tayo"

8agkaroon ng mainit at maaliwalas na sunog nang sila!an natin ang mga cedula"

Documents

Mga Sulat Ko Kasi Hindi Na Ako Marunong At Baka Magpakamatay Na Ako