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Is your love life warm, affectionate, and nurturing, or

are problems and tensions fizzling out the spark you

used too feel? Do you need some help to achieve im-

portant breakthroughs in your personal love relationships?

Come discover your love style, and learn the secrets of re-

storing and deepening your family relationships.

Well, its 3 p.m. and I have three more hours in my

day. My first appointment this morning went well. I think

I can get her business.

Te second and third appointments felt like a bowot(big old waste of time), and I am definitely not happy with

my results so far.

I think I will make some maintenance calls for the

rest of the afternoon and check in with some customers I

havent seen in a while.

Its not all about new business. I have to stay con-

nected with my current base as well.

I know, Ill go to the Plaza Building, grab some pas-

tries and coffee, and drop into Dr. Clevelands office. We

havent connected for a while.

All eyes turn toward you as you walk though the door.Oh, my gosh, you are amazing! Te front office staff

breaks out in applause and says, How did you know we

were dying for a mid-afternoon caffeine and sugar hit?

Between patients, Dr. Cleveland sticks his head around

the corner, smiles, and thinks to himself, Good move.

Te natives were getting restless. A few moments later, he

says, I have three more patients, and well catch up in my

office. I read something in theJournalthis morning that I

want to run by you.

By now your emotions are starting to soar, and youre

saying to yourself, I love this job. Your talk with Dr.

Cleveland goes very well as you wax eloquently about the

current economic climate and how your additional ser-

vices and products will strengthen his financial position.

After making an appointment for a future meeting to se-

cure more business, you walk to your car and feel like life

is sizzling for you. Youre excited and pumped and you

drive home with the sound system blaring. You feel on top

of the world.

Kay Yerkovich, M.S., M.F.., and Milan Yerkovich,

M.A., are co-authors of How We Love, a book and

workbook on attachment and bonding. Milan is a

pastoral counselor and ordained minister. Kay is a

licensed marriage and family therapist. Milan worked

for the Center for Individual and Family Terapy as

a marriage counselor for three years and is now the

full-time director of Relationship180, a nonprofit

organization devoted to counseling individuals andfamilies toward healthy relationships. Te couple

also speaks nationally and internationally, helping

people understand their relationship difficulties and

inspiring them to follow a defined path of growth.

Milan and Kay Resources Inc.

24211 Puerta De Luz

Mission Viejo, CA 92691

Phone: 949.830.2836

E-mail: [email protected]

Your Love Life: Sizzle or Fizzle?

Kay Yerkovich, M.S., M.F.. and Milan Yerkovich, M.A.


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Your Love Life: Sizzle or Fizzle? (continued)

You pull into the drive way, go through the door, and

say, Hi, honeyHi, kidsIm home! Andthere is

no applause. In fact, your wife has that stony look on her

face that lets you know the Cold War is still on. Te boys

begin to fight over the newest Wii game. Youre thinking

to yourself, Tere is definitely no sizzle here. In a fright-

ened introspective moment, you conclude, Te love in

my marriage has fizzled, and I have no idea how to solve

the relational problems that plague us.

Sound familiar? Many women and men who are topproducers, achieving amazing accomplishments in busi-

ness, struggle to find the same success in their personal

love life. If we all naturally knew how to love, Kay and

I would each be out of a job as counselors, writers, and

speakers. All of us who have been married or in a com-

mitted relationship for more than a few years will admit

that achieving a great relationship with our partner is a bit

more challenging than we imagined.

Every marriage has nagging problems calling for our

attention. Many people end up thinking that their rela-

tionship is difficult because they married the wrong per-son. Te fact that many people are on their second and

third marriages proves that no marriage is tension free.

Sometimes our personal relationships seem to run fairly

smoothly until we hit a crisis or face difficult circumstanc-

es. Stress always makes underlying problems more appar-

ent. In the next few pages, we will be sharing some new

and strategic principles with you that if you apply them

to your life daily, you will have a much higher chance of

increasing the quality of your relationships.

Over the years, many couples have come to us for help.

We routinely ask several questions, no matter what situa-

tion they describe. Last week I met a couple, Kathy and

Jim, for an initial session. I asked them what Kay and I

ask all the couples we see in our offices. ell me about

the chronic irritations that happen over and over between

both of you. Perhaps its the same old fight that never gets

resolved. Maybe its a pattern of relating that recurs again

and again. Where do you get stuck? I asked.

Kathy looked at Jim and they laughed. Tats easy,

she smiled. It happened in the car on the drive to your

office. Im always the one bringing up the problems, so

Jim is always telling me I am controlling. I was mad at

him because he didnt know what he wanted to talk about

in our counseling session. Hes too passive. I want him to

initiate more and try harder. Jim chimed in, I do try. Its

just never enough for you.

Kathy looked at me. See? Now he will pout and with-

draw and nothing will get resolved. I summarized, Sono matter what problem you want to discuss, this is your

same old dance, the repetitive pattern that happens over

and over. Is that correct? Kathy and Jim both nodded.

Te second question that we ask our clients and audi-

ences is Do you have a memory of comfort? By that we

mean, do you remember a time when you were a child that

you were distressed, depressed, sad, hurt, or angry and you

could bring your feelings to your parents? Tey in turn

would then provide the adult perspective, love you, and

tell you things would be okay, and you felt reassurance

and security. Do you have such a memory? If you dont,youre not alone. Probably 70% of people we ask do not

have such a memory.

We try and fix our marriages without a proper diag-

nosis of what exactly is broken and exactly how it should

then be fixed. We often focus on the surface symptoms

without understanding the roots feeding those symptoms.

When something is broken, you cannot repair it unless

you understand how it works. People who understand the

internal workings of computers fix computers. Mechanics

who understand how an engine works fix your car. We

try to fix our marriages without ever taking a look at how

they work.

As relational counselors, we feel we have learned a revo-

lutionary approach to improving your marriage. Our ap-

proach can help you to achieve important breakthroughs

in your personal love relationships. With them, you can

gain insight and tools to become an expert in diagnos-

ing and fixing the problems in your marriage or any other

important relationship in your life.


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Do you really know your partner and how he or she

works? We believe that you dont know your partner all

that well unless you become a student of his or her child-

hood, because thats where love lessons begin for all of us.

Most of us have about 18 years of love lessons from the

homes we grew up in. Yet we have never stopped to ask,

What exactly did I learn, and how is that impacting my

ability to love now?

Did I have great modeling and teaching from my par-

ents in how to listen and resolve conflict? Did a parentdraw me out and help me develop the ability to self-reflect

and put words to my internal feelings and experiences? Did

they know when I was distressed and upset and offer the

kind of comfort that brought me relief? Were my parents

comfortable expressing and allowing a wide range of emo-

tions without those emotions becoming destructive? Did

I experience close bonds that made me feel secure, valued,

and known? Was it about performance or relationship?

Did I leave home knowing my strengths and weaknesses

and having a good estimation of my abilities? (ryouts

forAmerican Idolsuggest many parents have trouble withthis.) Was I given freedom to make choices, decisions, and

have an option? How were mistakes handled? Did I learn

to cope with stress effectively and manage difficult situa-

tions? Did my parents apologize when they were wrong?

Can you? Most of us cannot answer a resounding yes to

all these questions. If we can, we may be in the minority

who entered adulthood and marriage with a positive or

securelove style.

It makes sense that our experiences growing up, good

and bad, create beliefs and expectations about relation-

ships we carry into adulthood. We leave our families with

an intimacy imprintan underlying blueprint that

shapes our behavior beliefs about love and relationships.

Drawing on the powerful tool of attachment theory, we

first learned ourselves and are now helping others see how

these early imprints form a love style that governs how

we relate as adults. A few of us have great love lessons and

enter adulthood with well-formed relational skills. Most

of us, about 75%, are missing some skills and have never

considered the love style we adopted before we ever met

our spouse. In fact, we say your marriage problems started

before you ever met your spouse, and your marriage is

usually as easy or as difficult as your childhood.

Couples and families entering our offices for help

initially share myriad different presenting problems. No

matter what the surface problems are, we have discovered

that when we focus on deepening the couples bond and

connection by addressing each persons love style and ca-

pacity for emotional intimacy the presenting problemsoften resolve.

If you are reading this article, then you are one of

those people who are used to following successful busi-

ness routines every day. Well, here are some new tools

to put into your tool bag to use regularly, and if you do,

you will be well on your way to becoming even more

successfulrelationally.

First, lets take an inventory to determine what love

style you might be. Make a check mark by any phrase

that describes you, and add up the check marks for each

section.

Section 1

It seems as if my spouse needs a lot more than I do.

o Tings that are upsetting to my spouse seem like no big

deal to me.

o I dont have many memories from my childhood.

o I would describe myself as an independent, self-reliant

person.

o I would rather work on a project than sit and have a

long conversation.

o My spouse complains that I dont show enough affec-

tion.

oWhen something bad happens, I get over it and move on.

o I need my space in relationships and feel annoyed if

someone wants to be with me a lot.

o I like to make decisions on my own.

o I feel uncomfortable when someone is very emotional,

especially if I think I am supposed to help.


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o In my family growing up, everyone sort of did their

own thing.

o I have siblings with whom I have little to no contact as

an adult.

o I have never felt particularly close to my parents.

o Nothing gets me too bothered or upset.

o I rarely cry.

Score:__________

Section 2o I am usually the giver in relationships.

o I am good at keeping the peace.

o I find I am able to anticipate the needs of my spouse

and meet them.

o Sometimes I am dishonest to avoid conflict.

o I am afraid of making my spouse upset or angry.

oWhen there is conflict, Ill give in just to get it over

with.

o I dont like to be alone.

o It really upsets me when I feel someone is mad at me.

oWhen someone requests my help, I have trouble say-ing no, so I sometimes find my self overcommitted and

stressed.

o I had a very critical (and/or angry) parent, and I tried

very hard to win their approval.

o Sometimes I get mad, but I usually dont show it.

o I am on the cautious side, and I wouldnt call myself a

risk taker.

o I had an overprotective parent who worried a lot.

o I had a parent that never stood up for himself or herself

and passively accepted poor treatment.

oWhen I sense others are distancing, I try harder to win

them back.

Score:__________

Section 3

o I feel like no one has ever really understood what I

need.

o I was instantly attracted to my spouse, and our early

relationship was intense and passionate.

o I hope for more in my relationships and am often dis-

appointed as time moves on.

oWhen my spouse tries, I feel it is too little, too late.

o I am a very passionate person and feel things deeply.

o I could describe many examples of how my spouse has

hurt and disappointed me.

o I can really sense when others pull away from me.

o I want far more connection than I have in my marriage.

o I like the feeling of making up after a fight.

oWhen people hurt me long enough, I write them off.o If my spouse would pursue me a lot more, things would

be better.

o I dont like to be alone, but when my spouse is around

I feel angry and empty.

o My parent(s) still drives me crazy.

o Sometimes I find myself picking fights, and Im really

not sure why.

o I make it obvious when Im hurt, and it makes it worse

when my spouse does not pursue me and ask whats

wrong.

o It seems like I end up waiting for my partner to beavailable and pay attention to me.

Score:__________

Section 4

o I grew up in a family with serious problems.

o I have to keep my mate from knowing certain things

because he or she would be angry.

o I have a history of staying in (or being in) destructive

relationships.

o I suffer with depression and/or anxiety, and it makes it

hard to cope.

o Others say Im in an abusive relationship, but I dont

think its that bad.

oA lot of the time I feel like Im checked out.

o For most of my life I have felt unworthy and unlovable.

o My parents had drug and alcohol problems.

o One of my parents was abusive and the other passive.

o I feel as if I functioned as the parent in my home grow-

ing up.


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o My spouse mistreats me, but I stay because it would be

worse to be alone.

o I was physically, emotionally, or sexually abused during

my childhood or observed these things happening to

others.

o I get nervous when things are calm because I know it

wont last and Im waiting for my spouse to get angry

or critical.

o Sometimes it feels as if life isnt worth living.

o I dont let myself cry, because if I started, Id never stop.Score:_________

Section 5

o Growing up, I had an angry parent (or sibling) who

threatened me, intimidated me, and/or was violent to-

ward me.

o No one protected me from harms way when I was

growing up.

o My spouse does things behind my back.

o I feel angry when other people try to control me or tell

me what to do.o I have problems with alcohol, drugs, pornography,

gambling, or overspending.

o My life is constant stress with one problem after an-

other.

o Sometimes I try to control my temper, but I feel too

angry to stop.

o My spouse does things that make me jealous.

o I lose my temper a lot, especially at home, but my

spouse (or kid) deserves it.

o I have hit or pushed my spouse (or I have come very

close).

o I change jobs a lot.

o By the time I was a teenager, people knew not to mess

with me.

o By the time I left home, some family members were

afraid of me.

o My spouse ignores me when I ask him or her to do

things a certain way.

o My spouse starts most of our fights because he or she

doesnt listen.

Score:__________

Tere is one positive love style, the Secure Connector,

and five insecure or problematic love styles: the Avoider,

the Pleaser, the Vacillator, the Controller, and the Victim.

Tey are harmful because each love style programs us to

respond and behave in ways that hinder us from bond-

ing and finding the intimacy we so desire. Knowing howthese love styles differ is crucial since they are responsible

for all the complicated challenges people face when con-

necting with one another. In fact, you can think of your

love style as your way of relating that runs counter to inti-

macy. Many problems in our love life are a result of these

broken love styles. Which section did you score highest

in? Section 1 describes the Avoider. Section 2 character-

izes the Pleaser. Section 3 lists the traits of the Vacillator.

Sections 4 and 5 represent the Victim and the Controller.

Here is a brief description of each of these styles. Ten,

look at the charts that follow to more fully understand thedifferences and pinpoint your style. Even if you believe

that you had a great childhood, you may see yourself

below.

Te Avoider (Section 1)Avoiders often come from performance-based homes

that encourage independence and discourage the expres-

sion of feelings or needs. Kids respond to insufficient

comfort and nurturing by restricting their feelings and

learning to take care of themselves. So as adults, they

are self-sufficient and avoid emotions and neediness. Te

spouses of Avoiders have similar complaints. I dont get

much affection, and my spouse doesnt seem to need me. I

cant get close. In close relationships Avoiders often com-

plain that their partner is too needy and smothering.

Te Pleaser (Section 2)Did you have an overly protective or an angry, criti-

cal parent? Did you try hard to be good in order to


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avoid criticism or to keep the fearful parent from getting

anxious and worried? If so, you are probably a Pleaser. As

kids, Pleasers dont get comfort; rather, they end up giv-

ing comfort to the parent by appeasing the angry parent

or calming the fears of the worrying parent. As adults,

Pleasers continue to monitor the moods of others and

give, give, giveto keep everyone happy. Over time they

become resentful because they are good care takers but

dont really know how to receive. Te spouses of Pleasers

say, My mate is too clingy and always wants me to be in agood mood. Pleasers are too nice and wont stand up for

themselves. Pleasers often feel like they try hard to keep

everyone happy and are not appreciated for their efforts.

Te Vacillator (Section 3)Te Vacillator has a parent who connects in a sporadic

and unpredictable way. ime and attention is more about

the parents needs than the childs needs, but these kids

get enough connection to make them desire more. Te

problem is that they wait and wait for the parent to show

them some attention again. By the time the parent is inthe mood to give, Vacillators are tired of waiting and too

angry to receive. As adults, Vacillators are on a quest to

find the gratifying, consistent connection they missed as

kids. Tey idealize new relationships thinking, I found

it! As soon as real life sets in, and they have to wait for

their spouse to be available, Vacillators become angry and

critical, devaluing their partner. All good turns to all bad.

People married to Vacillators say, I feel like Im walking

on eggshells and always getting a mixed message, such as

Come here or Go away. I cant make my spouse happy.

Vacillators complain, My spouse hurts me over and over,

and Im tired of being ignored.

Controllers and VictimsTese folks come from chaotic homes in which connec-

tion is not just unavailable or sporadicIts dangerous.

Tese parents often have serious problems and were raised

in troubled homes themselves, so they dont relieve stress

but are the source of stress.

Victims (Section 4)

In chaotic homes kids learn to tolerate the intolerable.

In fact, the intolerable becomes normal. More compliant

kids react with fearful submission and learn early on to

avoid setting off out-of-control parents and might cope by

dissociating and not being all there. With few positive

experiences, little confidence, and lots of anxiety, Victims

often end up marrying Controllers because its all they

know. Controllers blame their spouse for their problems

and think, My spouse is manipulative and sneaky andcant be trusted. Victims declare loyalty but live in fear of

setting off their spouse.

Controllers (Section 5)

More feisty kids from chaotic homes fight back

and learn the lesson: control or be controlled. As kids,

Controllers experience many negative feelings about re-

lationships, such as fear, humiliation, shame, guilt, and

inadequacy. Control is maintained to keep these feelings

from surfacing in adult relationships. Anger is the overrid-

ing feeling that governs the life of the Controller and keepsothers in line. Often, Controllers and Victims marry since

these are the only roles they know.

Why It Can Be Difficult to Identify Your StyleDoes one or more of these relational styles stand out?

If you are stil l struggling to identify your relational style,

dont be too alarmed. Tere are several reasons you might

be having difficulty. First, it is common for people in our

seminars and offices to identify their husbands or wifes

attachment style before they can see their own. If you are

struggling in your marriage, focusing on the behaviors of

your spouse can make it difficult to observe your own ac-

tions. If you cant decide, ask your partner or kids. We feel

sure they would love to help you out!

Identifying your imprint requires introspection, which

may be part of the problem. If you were never asked to

stop and reflect on your feelings and experiences growing

up, you may have difficulty assessing your behaviors and

beliefs. Perhaps you strongly relate to one of the styles, but


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you cant connect to the family histories that commonly

produce that imprint. One woman at our recent seminar

said, I fit the description for the Avoider, and a few char-

acteristics of the Pleaser, but I came from a great family, so

I dont understand why I relate to these imprints. Our an-

swer to her was, Just focus on the imprint that describes

you, whether or not you understand its origin.

We also find that people from chaotic homes see them-

selves on every page. Even though the chaotic imprint of-

ten produces a Victim or a Controller, it can also result ina person who bounces around from one style to another,

depending on what stage of life and what relationship he

or she is currently in.

Damaging Duets: Stepping on Each Othersoes

Can you begin to imagine what happens when these

combinations collide in marriage? When partners bring

their individual imprint into the relationship, they eventu-

ally clash and become what we call duets that damage.

While every couple who come to our workshop feel theirproblems are unique and somehow special, in reality, all of

us are very much alike and we behave in similar ways. Each

of the various combinations of attachments styles will pro-

duce a very predictable core pattern or reactive dynamic

that, when understood, can be changed. For the sake of

time, we will review the most common combinations.

Te Core Pattern Between the Vacillator andthe Avoider

Initially these two styles attract one another. Te

Avoider likes the Vacillators energy and zest for life.

Vacillators like the Avoiders consistency. Yet, the Avoider

and Vacillator each handle childhood hurts in opposite

ways. Te Avoider gives up the desire for connection and

becomes self-sufficient. Te Vacillator makes more con-

nection a primary goal. When the Avoider marries the

Vacillator, a predictable pattern develops. Te Vacillator

pursues the independent spouse trying to get attention.

Tis overwhelms the Avoider (who has not had enough

connection to even know what it is), so they disengage

and retreat. As the imprints collide and begin reacting to

one another, the Avoider feels constantly in trouble for

disappointing the spouse. Avoiders retreat to take care of

themselves, as they have always done.

Tis withdrawal agitates the Vacillator, whose anger in-

tensifies, feeling rebuffed and abandoned. Displays of an-

ger and disappointment make the Avoider retreat further.

Over time, the chase scene picks up speed and intensity,

leading this couple on a perilous, roller-coaster journey.In one of our recent workshops, roughly one-third of the

couples attending were this dynamic. It is common and

very predictable.

Te Core Pattern Between the Pleaser and theVacillator

Pleasers have been trying to make others happy since

way before they meet their future mate. Initially, future

mates find Vacillators to be delighted and thrilled by their

efforts to please. Te Vacillator responds in ways that

make the Pleaser feel successful, and the Pleasers anxietyis eased by all this success. Te Vacillator has often grown

up with a parent who is difficult to predict and please.

Initially, the Pleaser is just about the nicest person the

Vacillator has ever met. Vacillators keep waiting for the

angry outburst, and when it doesnt come, theyre hooked.

Tey have found a consistently nice person, and they are

thrilled.

As the imprints collide, the Pleaser cannot keep up

with the idealized expectation of the Vacillator. As Pleasers

make mistakes and feel irritability from the Vacillator,

their anxiety returns, and they become concerned with

avoiding conflict. Initially, they try harder to make it

work, wanting to again feel the Vacillators pleasure and

praise.

Vacillators are disillusioned when the initial passion

begins to wane. Tey want someone to understand them

and want them, not just please them. Te Pleasers anxious

scurrying around makes them feel placated, rather than

known and valued. Tis isnt what they expected, and over


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time the Pleasers efforts become annoying. Te Vacillator

becomes more agitated and upset. Te Vacillator doesnt

understand that Pleasers dont know how to connect in

a reciprocal way because they dont know how to receive.

Since Pleasers did not grow up learning to have feeling

words readily available to describe their emotions, and no

one was asking about their heart, they cannot relate on

this level.

Pleasers try to fix any negative emotions by doing nice

things so that their spouse is happy. Moving toward thedifficult feelings of others (or their own) makes them anx-

ious because they dont know what to do. Since Vacillators

dont understand these deeper dynamics, they feel more

and more unloved, and more and more disillusioned and

angry.

Pleasers keep trying; after all, they have been pleasing

their whole life. Over time, resentment begins to build.

Since they rarely express anger openly, it may be expressed

in passive ways. Pleasers feel they are walking on eggshells,

and while their efforts may make the Vacillator happy for

a while, it wont be peaceful for long. If the pattern con-tinues long enough, Pleasers resentment may build to the

point that they avoid or leave their spouse. If the couple

remains in this pattern for years, their marriage is often

filled with bitterness and resentment.

Te Core Pattern Between the Avoider and thePleaser

Tis one describes Milan and me for the first 15 years

of our marriage. Initially, Pleasers like Avoiders because

Avoiders dont have a lot of feelings, are not volatile, and

are not too hard to please. Avoiders do not appear to be

overly angry or anxious, and often the Pleasers parent was

either anxious or angry. Te Avoider enjoys the Pleaser be-

cause the Pleaser is so attentive, something that was lack-

ing in the Avoiders home when growing up.

Problems start when the Pleaser interprets the Avoiders

distance and independence as anger or indifference.

Pleasers need to know their efforts are making their

spouse happy, or they begin to get anxious. Avoiders dont

show much response. Pleasers try harder, pursue, and want

more response. Avoiders feel smothered by this anxious

pursuit and disengage further. And so the chase goes.

Both the Pleaser and the Avoider are uncomfortable with

negative emotions, so problems are rarely addressed in an

honest way.

Of course, there are more combinations, but were lim-

ited within the scope of this manuscript. Once you un-

derstand the traits of each style, it is easy to see how they

collide, not only in marriage but in the work environmentas well.

Change the Love Style and Heal theRelationship

What bugs you the most about your spouse? Most

likely the behavior that irritates you is due to a childhood

wound inside of your spouse and relates to their broken

love style. Seeing the injury under the behavior has the

capacity to turn irritation into compassion. For example,

Milan is a Pleaser. He felt too needy and smothering to

me. It bugged me. Milans biggest complaint was that Iwas distant and didnt really need him because I was too

self-sufficient. Over time, Milan realized how my child-

hood home had left me emotionally barren, and self-suffi-

ciency was my only option. He began to have compassion

for what I missed.

As I became a student of Milans childhood, I real-

ized he lived in a constant state of anxiety, anticipating

the next angry explosion. His pleasing tendencies started

very young as he tired to keep the peace. I began to have

compassion as I realized no parent ever saw his anxiety

or comforted him. In fact, each broken style is formed by

painful childhood experiences and contains unmet needs for

comfort and relief.

Avoiders have no memories of comfort, as the expres-

sion of feelings was not encouraged. For years I was un-

aware of my feelings or needs, and it never occurred to

me that comfort could bring relief during stressful times.

Learning to feel and need again was the beginning of a

deep healing in my marriage.


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Pleasers are caretakers and focused on others. Tey are

so used to being in the giving role that they have difficulty

owning and admitting their painful feelings and initially

find it hard to ask for and receive comfort. As Milan

learned to admit his anxiety and receive comfort from me,

our bond deepened.

While Vacillators would say they want comfort, they

are often too angry to receive it. Really letting their de-

fenses down to receive is difficult for the Vacillator because

the thought of having to wait for connection to happenagain is distressing. Fear of abandonment is always a

theme for this love style. Vacillators are often too mad at

their spouse to see the wounds or need for comfort in their

spouse. Seeing the sad events in their spouses childhood

and offering comfort is healing, as it fills the Vacillators

need for connection.

Controllers and Victims are probably in the most need

of comfort and most defensive against receiving it.

Childhood was so painful, they dont ever want to go

back there, but both styles have deep storehouses of un-

comforted pain inside.

Te Comfort CircleTe comfort circle is the universal antidote for heal-

ing injured attachment styles and destructive core pat-

terns. Just like painting by the numbers, this is bonding

by the numbers. If you learn to follow this pattern every

day, you will become a happier, more aware person, youll

develop a higher capacity to love, and your family will love

you for it. Are you ready to begin? If so, close your eyes

and imagine a circle with four steps, and then re-open

them so that you can continue reading.

1. Seek awareness.

When you are hurt or distressed inside, take some time

for self-reflection to understand your internal emotions.

Some of the most common are anxious, embarrassed,

ashamed, nervous, worried, scared, fearful, panicky, furi-

ous, angry, listless, depressed, lonely, abandoned, dejected,

grief, feeling heavy, confused, and ashamed.

2. Engage.

Once you have identified a feeling(s), you need to en-

gage with your partner in such a way that you speak the

truth and openly acknowledge the identified feelings and

emotions. Tis involves pushing past your tendencies to be

fearful and hide. Reality is your best friend, which is true

in the business world as well as in our relationships.

3. Explore and find out more.

As your partner listens to you, he or she will need tobe disciplined enough to simply listen and ask more ques-

tions. Just like a good sales presentation includes probative

questions that help you identify a customers needs, so too

great listening is endearing and informative. Te listener

learns to ask thoughtful questions to further clarify the

inner emotions. Some common questions are these: ell

me more, I want to understand. Have you ever felt this

way before? How about in your childhood? How does

that make you feel? Te natural tendency will be for the

listener to quickly try to fix the problem. It is, after all,

what you are used to doing daily in your jobs. Here thegoal is to deeply understand the emotions, empathize, and

then to validate the persons experience. Some common

validation statements include these: Wow, you have had

a hard day; that would have been totally embarrassing.

Im so sorry you had to go through that. I could totally

see how you would feel that way. No wonder you are

agitated; that was a very distressing thing for her to say.

Even if you disagree with your spouses position or conclu-

sions, his or her feelings are very real. Perceptions are your

spouses reality even if you disagree. Once you have then

validated your spouses feelings and emotions, ask the all-

important bonding question: What do you need?

4. Resolution brings relief and comfort.

Most of us are used to fixing things that are broken.

Our tendency is to provide solutions for the others prob-

lems. In order to build relationships that sizzle, we must

learn to resist this tendency. After asking, What do you

need? we must learn to wait for the answer that comes


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Your Love Life: Sizzle or Fizzle?

from the other person. Te other persons needs will al-

ways be different from what you imagine they should be.

While counterintuitive, you need to give your spouse time

to come up with what he or she thinks would give relief

and comfort. Most couples do not know how to do this

because they have never been trained to do so. Remember

the comfort question we presented earlier? If you have no

memories of comfort as a child, you simply will not know

how to comfort others as an adult. Nor will you know how

to bring your needs into a relationship for your comfort.Comfort is the single most important ingredient to build-

ing intimacy, safety, and security within a relationship.

If this circle is not repeated over and over, unfortunately

the relationship will fizzle and continue to deteriorate to-

ward a lower level of distrust and pain. But the wonderful

result of completing the comfort circle will be increasing

trust, love, and bonding. Your injured attachment styles

will begin to heal, and you will begin to move toward a

state of earned secure attachment with your partner. Tis

will, in turn, allow you to learn to feel more fully your

emotions (both happy and sad) and you can repeat the

circle.

When this circle is repeated over and over, week af-

ter week, month after month, security develops, bond-

ing takes place, and the relationship begins to grow and

change from fizzle to sizzle. When partners learn how

to give and receive comfort, things reallybegin to change

into a relationship in which the love life becomes warm,

affectionate, and nurturing.Life is stressful; work is stressful. As we own our broken

style and learn to give and receive comfort, an amazing

thing begins to happen. We begin to look for relief from

our spouse instead of using the many addictive behaviors

we often employ to find relief. We deepen the bond as we

care for the injured places in our spouse and in ourselves.

Hi, honeyHi, kidsIm home!

Im so glad to see you. Welcome home.

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MDRT_Yer Kovich