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MARK TWAIN’S SERIOUS FUN

INTRODUCTION Mark Twain is often called the greatest American humorist, and it’s easy to see why. He had a keen eye for the absurd, and pointed out and mocked whatever ridiculous things he saw happening around him. He satirized small towns and big cities, religion and government, Americans and Europeans, social customs and personal habits and “the way things ought to be done.” He also poked a lot of fun at himself and his close friends, and he did it with wit and style. We’ll explore here some examples of Twain’s humorous work. WHAT IS A GOOD CIGAR? Twain smoked cigars his entire life, and apparently, they were the stinkiest, most foul-tasting cigars around. Or so his friends said. Here’s Twain’s view of the issue in an essay he wrote called “Concerning Tobacco”: No one can tell me what is a good cigar--for me. I am the only judge. People who claim to know say that I smoke the worst cigars in the world. They bring their own cigars when they come to my house. They betray an unmanly terror when I offer them a cigar; they tell lies and hurry away to meet engagements which they have not made when they are threatened with the hospitalities of my cigar box. Now then, observe what superstition, assisted by a man's reputation, can do. I was to have twelve personal friends to supper one night. One of them was as notorious for costly and elegant cigars as I was for cheap and devilish ones. I called at his house and when no one was looking borrowed a double handful of his very choicest; cigars which cost him forty cents apiece and bore red-and-gold labels in sign of their nobility. I removed the labels and put the cigars into a box with my favorite brand on it--a brand which those people all knew, and which cowed them as men are cowed by an epidemic. They took these cigars when offered at the end of the supper, and lit them and sternly struggled with them--in dreary silence, for hilarity died when the fell brand came into view and started around--but their fortitude held for a short time only; then they made excuses and filed out, treading on one another's heels with indecent eagerness; and in the morning when I went out to observe the results, the cigars lay all between the front door and the gate. All except one--that one lay in the dinner plate of the man from whom I had cabbaged the lot. One or two whiffs was all he could stand. He told me afterward that someday I would get shot for giving people that kind of cigar to smoke. DEATH AS A LAUGHING MATTER 1. In London, Mark Twain’s cousin, Dr. Jim Clemens, fell ill, and the newspapers had it presently that Mark Twain was lying at the point of death—of course it wasn’t Twain, it was his cousin. A reporter ferreted Twain out and [showed him the telegram of the] instructions from his newspaper. The reporter’s orders read: “If Mark Twain very ill, five hundred words. If dead, send one thousand.” Twain handed back the cable. “You don't need as much as that,” he said, “Just say the report of my death has been grossly exaggerated.”

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2. As Twain became better known and even more loved by the public, communities would express their admiration by creating holidays in his honor or naming things after him. Here’s what Twain said on one such occasion: “It is indeed a high compliment which you offer me in naming an association after me, and in proposing the setting apart of a Mark Twain day at the great St. Louis fair, but such compliments are not proper for the living; they are proper and safe for the dead only... I hope that no society will be named for me while I am still alive, for I might at some time or other do something which would cause its members to regret having done me that honor. After I have joined the dead I shall follow the customs of those people and be guilty of no conduct that can wound any friend; but until that time shall come I shall be a doubtful quantity like the rest of our race.” 3. In a speech called “Statistics”, Twain made this comment about death and dying: “I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.” JUST FUN AND GAMES In Twain’s lifetime, one of the favorite games people played with each other was billiards, like pool. Twain loved shooting billiards, and to make the game more interesting, he would bet money on the outcome. At times, this habit proved his undoing. Here’s a section from Twain’s speech entitled “Billiards”: The game of billiards has destroyed my naturally sweet disposition. Once, when I was an underpaid reporter in Virginia City, whenever I wished to play billiards I went out to look for an easy mark. One day a stranger came to town and opened a billiard parlor. I looked him over casually. When he proposed a game, I answered, “All right.” “Just knock the balls around a little so that I can get your gait,” he said; and when I had done so, he remarked: “I will be perfectly fair with you. I'll play you left-handed.” [implying that I was such a lousy shot that he could beat me with his weak hand.] I felt hurt, for he was cross-eyed, freckled, and had red hair, and I determined to teach him a lesson. He won first shot, ran out [meaning he shot all the balls into the pockets], took my half-dollar, and all I got was the opportunity to chalk my cue. “If you can play like that with your left hand,” I said, “I’d like to see you play with your right.” “I can’t,” he said. “I’m left-handed.” GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE In 1902, Twain noticed that across the US, inflation had increased so much that a dollar wasn’t worth the paper it was printed on. He noticed, too, how this affected ordinary Americans: people were struggling to buy basic necessities, especially wood and coal to cook with, and to keep their houses warm in winter. So he wrote a mock letter to the government in Washington, DC, demanding help:

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“TO THE HONORABLE SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY, WASHINGTON, D. C.: Sir, Prices for the customary kinds of winter fuel having reached an altitude which puts them out of the reach of literary persons in straitened circumstances, I desire to place with you the following order: --Forty-five tons best old, dry government bonds, suitable for furnace. --Twelve tons early greenbacks, range size, suitable for cooking. --Eight barrels seasoned 25- and 50-cent postal currency, suitable for kindling. Please deliver with all convenient despatch to my house in Riverdale at lowest rates, and send bill to Your obliged servant, Mark Twain, Who will be very grateful, and will vote right.” Thus concludes MARK TWAIN’S SERIOUS FUN.