Managing Conflict in the Church 2011 Workshop

Managing Conflict in the

Church

A workshop for Elders

John-Peter Smit, Synod CNOB, 2011

Managing Conflict in the Church

Agenda

Stages of Conflict

Responses to Conflict

Conflict Situations

Role of Elders


Levels of Conflict – Alban Institute

(Before we Start)

Levels are not discrete

Characteristics broadly indicative

Caring approach is essential

Team Approach should be considered

Training is required


LEVEL ONE: Problem to Solve

CHARACTERISTICS

Real disagreement – conflicting goals

Short lived anger

Problem oriented

Open sharing of information

Clear and specific

Solving problem

Collaborative win/win

SKILLS NEEDED

Trust building

Logical thinking

Good listening

Knowledge of church structure

Problem solving skills

Consulting skills

Knowledge of available resources


LEVEL TWO: Disagreement

CHARACTERISTICS

Real disagreement – mixing personalities & issues

Distrust from beginning

Personalizing problem

Hold back information

Vague & General

Face-saving

Attempt collaborative solution

SKILLS NEEDED

All skills from Level one plus

Analytical skills

Understanding of power dynamics

Mediation skills

Self-awareness skills


LEVEL THREE: Contest

CHARACTERISTICS

Dynamics of win/lose

Can’t operate in presence of “enemy”

Personal attacks – factions

Distortion

Overgeneralizations

Shift to winning

Possible someone will leave church

SKILLS NEEDED

All skills from Levels one & two plus

Negotiating contracts

Recognition of own limits

Understanding of personality types

Facilitator in group process

Clear process of decision making


LEVEL FOUR: Fight/Flight

CHARACTERISTICS

Get rid of person

Cold self-righteousness

Factions solidified

Won’t accept contrary information

Principles not issues

Hurt other person

High probability of split

SKILLS NEEDED

All skills from levels one, two and three plus

Ability to assess need for more training

Experience

Knowledge of other resources

Find outside resources

Careful adherence to church structure and polity


LEVEL FIVE: Intractable

CHARACTERISTICS

Personalities are issue

Conflict unmanageable

Vindictive

Other person harmful to society

Information skewed

Language of destruction

Destroy other person

Highly destructive

SKILLS NEEDED

All skills from all other levels plus

Personal support system, inner resources and stress relief

Adherence to institutional boundaries legal restrictions etc.


With those around

Share an experience of one or more levels of

conflict


Congregation as System

With the group

Can you identify systemic roles in your family of origin?

Can you identify systems in you congregation?


Conflict then

Is part of and not independent of our congregational system

Is who we are

Is how we do things round here

Is part of our identity

We all (and our congregations) have a conflict resolution style



Competing

Use

When quick, decisive action is important, such as emergencies

When your core values need to be defended

When it is important to you to have it your own way

Danger

May weaken relationships if it is perceived that you won and the other person lost

You receive less input and ideas from others

Others may not “buy-in” and sabotage the decision


Collaboration

Use To find a solution that

integrates both sets of concerns, as they are both important

To merge insights from people with different perspectives on a problem

When commitment and “buy-in” is needed to implement a solution

When hard feelings have been interfering with an interpersonal, working relationship

Danger May waste time and energy on

issues that are not important As the process can take longer

it may frustrate some people


Compromise

Use

When an agreement needs to be reached – time is important

When mutually exclusive goals prevent collaboration

To achieve temporary settlements to complex issues

As a backup mode when collaboration or competition is unsuccessful

Danger

Nobody really gets what they want or need

The focus becomes what you did not manage to get re: needs/wants

Problems reoccur as they were not fully explored and resolutions found that truly work for those involved


Avoidance

Use

When the issue or relationship is unimportant

To prevent an immediate conflict (e.g. inappropriate time, place, or feelings are escalated)

When someone else can resolve the conflict more effectively

When you have little chance of satisfying your concerns (e.g. national policy, someone’s basic personality, etc.)

Danger

Conflict may fester until it escalates

The relationship remains superficial


Accommodation

Uses

To build the relationship

When the issue is relatively unimportant to you, but important to the other person

When you have less experience or expertise than the other person

When preserving harmony and avoiding disruption are especially important

Danger

Your needs are not met

You may begin to feel taken advantage of and resentful



With those around

Think of a specific example of conflict

1. What style did you use?

2. Was it appropriate?



What conflict does

Upsets Homeostasis of congregation

So we want to regain balance as soon as possible

Whatever it takes Depending on our pain threshold


Stress causes anxiety

The Brain

Anxiety affects our brains

Reptilian brain

•Regulates automatic processes – breathing/ circulation

•Designed for survival & protection of organism

•Stress defaults to here

•Act without thinking

Limbic Brain

•Emotion brain – love/hate fight/flight

•Can loose restraint

•Automatic

Neocortex

•Analyze

•Reflect

•Observe

•Create

•think

Neocortex makes us more than a collection of reflexes – need to find ways to be calm and think


Toleration of pain in others

Toleration of pain in selves

High

High

Low

Low

Rescuer / Compassion fatigue

I feel your pain/ Misery loves company

Take responsibility for self and challenge others to do the same

Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen

Conflict Causes Pain


Toleration of pain in others

Toleration of pain in selves

High

High

Low

Low

Conflict Causes Pain

Immature

Mature


Scenario #1 – chronically anxious

Time to role play

Roy, a chronically anxious member is chairman of the board. It’s budget time. (need I say more?)

Questions

1. How did they do?

2. What tools did they use?

3. What else might they have done?


Scenario #2 – Passive Aggressive

Role Play

Sally, the treasurer has not produced a financial statement in eight months. It’s never her fault

Questions

1. How did they do?




Scenario #3 – Gossip & Rumours

Role Play

Tony, an elder wants to present an anonymous letter to session. It is important to him because “people are talking.”

Questions

1. How did they do?




Two extraordinary situations

Bullying and Inappropriate behaviour

Leading with care

Safe church policy

Might need external help

Don’t under (or over) estimate bullying


Elders must

Model appropriate behaviour

Practice differentiated leadership

Be a non-anxious presence

Recognize this is adaptive not technical change

Understand the best in us may bring out the worst in others

Have rules of play (covenant/Book of Forms

Be not Afraid

Managing Conflict in the

Church

A workshop for Elders

Documents

Managing Conflict in the Church 2011 Workshop