Malignant Self Love Narcisism Revisited

8/13/2019 Malignant Self Love Narcisism Revisited

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Malignant Self LoveNarcissism Revisited

1 st EDITION 6 th Revised Impression

EXCERPTS

Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.The Author is NOT a Mental Health Professional.The Author is certified in Counselling Techniques.

Editing and Design:

Lidija Rangelovska


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! " N # $ N # S

%ore&ord

Introd'(tion ) #*e +a,it'al Identit

#*e Nar(issisti( Personalit .isorderA Pri er on Narcissis

i,liogra%h&

"vervie&

Chapter I: The 5oul of a Narcissist 0 The 5tate of the ArtChapter II: eing 5%ecialChapter III: ;niqueness and 4nti ac&Chapter IV: The 6or+ings of a Narcissist 0 A Pheno enolog&Chapter V: The Tortured 5elf

FAQ # 3: The Energ& of 5elf FAQ # 4: 5elf!'o*e and NarcissisFAQ # 5: 5elf!Defeating and 5elf!Destructi*e eha*iours

FAQ # 6: 4deas of )eferenceFAQ # 7: ?randiose 2antasiesFAQ # 8: ?randiosit& Hango*er and Narcissist aiting


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FAQ # 9: De%ression and the NarcissistFAQ # 10: Narcissistic )age

FAQ # 21: The 4na%%ro%riate AffectFAQ # 22: The C&nical NarcissistFAQ # 23: The Narcissist as a 5adistFAQ # 24: Other Peo%le9s PainFAQ # 25: The Ps&cholog& of TortureFAQ # 26: Multi%le ?randiosit&FAQ # 27: 2alse Modest&FAQ # 28: 6ar%ed )ealit& and )etroacti*e E otional ContentFAQ # 29: Narcissistic 5ignal- 5ti ulus and Hi,ernation Mini!C&clesFAQ # 30: The Narcissistic Pendulu and the Pathological

Narcissistic 5%aceFAQ # 31: The 4nani ate as a 5ource of Narcissistic 5u%%l&


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FAQ # 42: The 'osses of the NarcissistFAQ # 43: ?etting etterFAQ # 44: Can a Narcissist Hel% Hi self>FAQ # 45: )econditioning the Narcissist

FAQ # 46: Treat ent Modalities and Thera%iesFAQ # 47: Narcissistic MirroringFAQ # 48: The De*elo% ent of the NarcissistFAQ # 49: The Narcissist9s MotherFAQ # 50: The 4n*erted NarcissistFAQ # 51: Narcissists- 4n*erted Narcissists and 5chi oidsFAQ # 52: Narcissists and Che ical 4 ,alances

FAQ # 53: M&ths a,out NarcissisFAQ # 54: The 5elfish ?ene


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FAQ # 73: The Narcissist in CourtFAQ # 74: The Narcissist in a 6or+%laceFAQ # 75: )es%onsi,ilit& and Other MattersFAQ # 76: The Accounta,le Narcissist

FAQ # 77: Cri e and Punish ent: The Ne*er )e%enting NarcissistFAQ # 78: Narcissists- ?rou% eha*iour and TerrorisFAQ # 79: 4s the Narcissist E*er 5orr&>FAQ # 80: A 'etter a,out TrustFAQ # 81: Trau as as 5ocial 4nteractionsFAQ # 82: The ?uilt of OthersFAQ # 83: Narcissistic Confine ent

FAQ # 84: Narcissistic AllocationFAQ # 85: Narcissistic 4 unit&FAQ # 86: Narcissists- 'o*e and Healing2AB : 8indicti*e NarcissistsFAQ # 88: Narcissists as Mass and 5erial FillersFAQ # 89: Narcissists- Narcissistic 5u%%l& and 5ources of 5u%%l&

Narcissists and Family

FAQ # 90: Ho/ to Co%e /ith a Narcissist>FAQ # 91: Narcissists and 6o enFAQ # 92: The 5%ouse7Mate7Partner of the NarcissistFAQ # 93: 4n*esting in a NarcissistFAQ # 94: The Dou,le )eflection


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% " R $ " R .

Hello. )ecognise e> No> 6ell- &ou see e all the ti e. Gou read &,oo+s- /atch e on the ,ig screen- feast on & art- cheer at &ga es- use & in*entions- *ote e into office- follo/ e into ,attle-ta+e notes at & lectures- laugh at & (o+es- ar*el at & successes-ad ire & a%%earance- listen to & stories- discuss & %olitics- en(o&

& usic- e@cuse & faults- en*& e & ,lessings. No> 5till doesn9tring a ,ell> 6ell- &ou ha*e seen e. Of that 4 a %ositi*e. 4n fact- if

there is one thing 4 a a,solutel& sure of- it is that. Gou ha*e seene.Perha%s our %aths crossed ore %ri*atel&. Perha%s 4 a the one

/ho ca e along and ,uilt &ou u% /hen &ou /ere do/n- e %lo&ed &ou /hen &ou needed a (o,- sho/ed the /a& /hen &ou /ere lost-offered confidence /hen &ou /ere dou,ting- ade &ou laugh /hen

&ou /ere ,lue- s%ar+ed &our interest /hen &ou /ere ,ored- listenedto &ou and understood- sa/ &ou for /hat &ou reall& are- felt &our%ain and found the ans/ers- ade &ou /ant to ,e ali*e. Of course

&ou recognise e. 4 a &our ins%iration- &our role odel- &oursa*iour- &our leader- &our ,est friend- the one &ou as%ire to e ulate-the one /hose fa*our a+es &ou glo/.

ut 4 can also ,e &our /orst night are. 2irst 4 ,uild &ou u% ,ecausethat9s /hat &ou need. Gour s+ies are ,lue. Then- out of the ,lue- 4start tearing &ou do/n. Gou let e do it ,ecause that9s /hat &ou are

used to. Gou are du founded. ut 4 /as /rong to ta+e %it& on &ou.Gou reall& A)E inco %etent- disres%ectful- untrust/orth&- i oral-ignorant- ine%t- egotistical- constrained- disgusting. Gou are a social


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e ,arrass ent- an una%%reciati*e %artner- an inadequate %arent- adisa%%oint ent- a se@ual flo%- a financial lia,ilit&.

4 tell &ou this to &our face. 4 ust. 4t is & right- ,ecause it is. 4,eha*e- at ho e and a/a&- in an& /a& 4 /ant to- /ith total disregard

for con*entions- ores- or the feelings of others. 4t is & right-,ecause it is. 4 lie to &our face- /ithout a t/itch or a t/itter- and thereis a,solutel& nothing &ou can do a,out it. 4n fact- & lies are not liesat all. The& are the truth- & truth. And &ou ,elie*e the - ,ecause

&ou do- ,ecause the& do not sound or feel li+e lies- ,ecause to doother/ise /ould a+e &ou question &our o/n sanit&- /hich &ou ha*ea tendenc& to do an&/a&- ,ecause fro the *er& ,eginning of our

relationshi% &ou %laced &our trust and ho%es in e- deri*ed &ourenerg&- direction- sta,ilit&- and confidence fro e and fro &ourassociation /ith e. 5o /hat9s the %ro,le if the safe ha*en 4%ro*ide co es /ith a %rice> 5urel& 4 a /orth it and then so e.

)un to our friends. ?o. 5ee /hat that /ill get &ou. )idicule. Peo%le,elie*e /hat the& see and /hat the& see is the sa e /onderful ethat &ou also sa/ and still do. 6hat the& also see is the *er& i@ed u%%erson that &ou ha*e o,*iousl& ,eco e. The ore &ou %lead forunderstanding- the ore con*inced the& are that the cra & one is

&ou- the ore isolated &ou feel- and the harder &ou tr& to a+ethings right again- not ,& changing e ,ut ,& acce%ting & criticis sand ,& stri*ing to i %ro*e &ourself. Could it ,e that &ou /ere /ronga,out e in the ,eginning> 5o /rong as that> Ho/ do &ou thin+ ourfriends /ill react if &ou insist that the& are also /rong a,out e>After all- the& +no/ that it reall& is &ou /ho ha*e th/arted &

%rogress- tainted & re%utation- and thro/n e off course.4 disa%%oint &ou> Outrageous Gou are the one /ho ha*e

disa%%ointed e. 'oo+ at all the frustrations &ou cause e. 'uc+& for &ou- 4 ha*e an esca%e fro all this- and fortunatel& & re%utation%ro*ides enough insulation fro the outside /orld so 4 can indulge inthis esca%e /ith i %unit&. 6hat esca%e> 6h&- those eru%tions of rage

&ou dread and fear. Ah- it feels so good to rage. 4t is the e@%ression of

and the confir ation of & %o/er o*er &ou- & a,solute su%eriorit&.'&ing feels good too- for the sa e reason- ,ut nothing co %ares tothe %leasure of e@%loding for no aterial reason and *enting &


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anger /ith total a,andon- all the ti e a s%ectator at & o/n sho/and at &our hel%lessness- %ain- fear- frustration- and de%endence.

4n fact & raging is %recisel& /hat allo/s e to sta& /ith &ou. ?oahead. Tell our friends a,out it. 5ee if the& can i agine /hat it9s li+e-

let alone ,elie*e it. The ore outrageous the things &ou sa& a,oute- the ore con*inced the& are that it is &ou /ho ha*e ta+en a turn

for the /orse. And don9t e@%ect uch ore fro &our thera%isteither. Gou a& tell hi this or that- ,ut /hat he sees /hen 4 *isit hiis so ething quite different. 5o /hat9s the thera%ist to ,elie*e> Afterall- it /as &ou /ho ca e for hel%. No That9s /hat this is all a,out.No That si %le t/o!letter /ord that- regardless of ho/ ,ad 4 a - &ou

si %l& cannot sa&. 6ho +no/s> Gou ight e*en acquire so e of &,eha*iour &ourself.

ut &ou +no/ /hat> This a& co e as a shoc+- ,ut 4 can also ,e& o/n /orst night are. 4 can and 4 a . Gou see- at heart & life is

nothing ore than illusion!clad confusion. 4 ha*e no idea /h& 4 do/hat 4 do- nor do 4 care to find out. 4n fact- the ere notion of as+ingthe question is so re%ulsi*e to e that 4 e %lo& all of & resourcesto re%el it. 4 reconstruct facts- fa,ricate illusions- act the out- andthus create & o/n realit&. 4t is a %recarious state of e@istenceindeed- so 4 a careful to include enough de onstra,le truth in &illusions to ensure their credi,ilit&. And 4 a fore*er testing thatcredi,ilit& on &ou and on the reactions of others.

2ortunatel& & real attri,utes and acco %lish ents are insufficient a,undance to fuel & illusions see ingl& fore*er. And

odern societ&- ,lessed7cursed odern societ&- *alues ost /hat 4

do ,est and thus ser*es as & acco %lice. E*en 4 get lost in & o/nillusions- s/e%t a/a& ,& & o/n agic.

5o- not to /orr& if &ou still do not recognise e. 4 don9t recognisee either. 4n fact- 4 a not reall& sure /ho 4 a . That9s %ro,a,l& a

question &ou ne*er as+ of &ourself. Get 4 /onder a,out it all the ti e.Perha%s 4 a not too different fro e*er&one else- (ust ,etter. Afterall- that9s the feed,ac+ 4 get. M& ad irers certainl& /ish the& /ere

e. The& (ust don9t ha*e the gifts 4 ha*e- nor the courage 4 ha*e toe@%ress the . That9s /hat the uni*erse is telling e.


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Then again THE uni*erse or MG uni*erse> As long as the agic of& illusions /or+s on e too- there reall& is no need for distinction.

All 4 need is an a,undant fan clu, to sta& on to% of it all. 5o 4 aconstantl& ta+ing fan clu, in*entor&- testing the lo&alt& of %resent

e ,ers /ith challenges of a,use- /riting off defectors /ith totalindifference- and scouting the landsca%e for ne/ recruits. Do &ou see

& dile a> 4 use %eo%le /ho are de%endent on e to +ee% &illusions ali*e. 5o reall& it is 4 /ho a de%endent on the .

E*en the rage- that orgas ic release of %ain and anger- /or+s,etter /ith an audience. On so e le*el 4 a a/are of & illusions-,ut to ad it that /ould s%oil the agic. And that 4 couldn9t ,ear. 5o 4

%roclai that /hat 4 do is of no consequence and no different fro/hat others do- and thus 4 create an illusion a,out & creatingillusions.

5o- no- 4 don9t recognise e an& ,etter than &ou do. 4 /ouldn9tdare. 'i+e & fans- 4 ar*el at & o/n ,eing. Then again- so eti es 4/ish that 4 /ere not the %erson 4 a . Gou find that confusing> Ho/do &ou thin+ it a+es e feel> 4 need & o/n agic to sta& afloat.5o eti es others li+e e recruit e into their agic. ut that9s o+.As long as /e feed off of each other- /ho9s the /orse for /ear> 4tonl& confir s & illusion a,out & illusions: that 4 a no differentfro ost other %eo%le- (ust a ,it ,etter.

ut 4 AM different and /e ,oth +no/ it- although neither one of usdares to ad it it. Therein lies the root of & hostilit&. 4 tear &ou do/n,ecause in realit& 4 a en*ious of &ou ECA;5E 4 a different. Atso e haunting le*el 4 see & agic for /hat it is and realise that

%eo%le around e function (ust fine 64THO;T an& I agicI.This terrifies e. Panic stric+en- 4 tr& all & old tric+s: dis%la&s of

& talents- unnecessar& dece%tions- self!ser*ing distortions- s+ilfulseductions- ludicrous %ro(ections- frightening rages- /hate*er.Nor all&- that /or+s. ut if it fails- /atch out. 'i+e a solar!%o/ered,atter& in dar+ness- & fire goes out and 4 cease to e@ist. Destitutionsets in.

That is the +e& to understanding e. Most %eo%le stri*e for goalsand feel good /hen the& a%%roach the . The& o*e to/ardso ething %ositi*e. 4 o*e in the sa e direction ,ut & o*e ent is


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a/a& fro so ething negati*e. That9s /h& 4 ne*er sto%- a ne*ercontent- no atter /hat 4 achie*e. That negati*e thing see s tofollo/ e around li+e a shado/. 4 do/se &self in light and it fades-,ut that9s all it does. E@hausted- 4 ulti atel& succu , to it- again and

again.6here did it co e fro - this negati*it&> Pro,a,l& fro ,efore 4

learned to tal+. 6hen &ou /ere e@%loring &our /orld for the firstti e- /ith the usual little toddler isha%s- &our other +e%t a carefule&e on &ou- inter*ened /hen she sa/ &ou heading for danger- andco forted &ou /hen &ou ade a ista+e- e*en if &ou cried.

6ell- that9s not ho/ it /as for e. M& other9s e@%ectations of e

/ere uch higher. Mista+es /ere ista+es and cr&ing /as not the/a& to get her a%%ro*al. That required ,eing %erfect- so that9s e@actl&/hat 4 ,eca e. Not the little a/+/ard toddler that 4 /as- ,ut &

other9s odel child. Not the ,ra*e and curious little %erson that 4reall& /as- ,ut the fearful %ersonification of & other9s ideal.

6hat &ou /ere e@%eriencing through &our little isha%s andista+es /ere s all doses of sha e. 6hat &ou /ere learning fro

&our quic+ reco*eries /as sha e re%air. At first &our other did ostof the re%airing. Through re%etition- &ou graduall& learned ho/ to doit ,& &ourself. 5ha e re%air ,rain circuitr& /as ,eing laid do/n that/ould carr& &ou for the rest of &our life. 4 had no such luc+. 4 si %l&did not acquire that s+ill /hen nature had intended & ,rain toacquire it. No one en(o&s sha e. ut ost %eo%le can deal /ith it.Not e. 4 fear it the /a& ost %eo%le fear sna+es.

Ho/ an& others li+e e are there> More than &ou ight thin+-

and our nu ,ers are increasing. Ta+e t/ent& %eo%le off the streetand &ou /ill find one /hose ind tic+s so uch li+e ine that &oucould consider us clones. 4 %ossi,le- &ou sa&. 4t is si %l& not %ossi,lefor that an& %eo%le 0 highl& acco %lished- res%ected- and *isi,le%eo%le 0 to ,e out there re%lacing realit& /ith illusions- each in thesa e /a& and for reasons the& +no/ not. 4t is si %l& not %ossi,le forso an& sha e!%ho,ic ro,ots of ha*oc and chaos- as 4 descri,e

&self- to function dail& idst other educated- intelligent- ande@%erienced indi*iduals- and %ass for nor al. 4t is si %l& not %ossi,lefor such an a,erration of hu an cognition and ,eha*iour to infiltrate


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and infect the %o%ulation in such nu ,ers- *irtuall& undetected ,&the radar of ental health %rofessionals. 4t is si %l& not %ossi,le forso uch *isi,le %ositi*e to contain so uch concealed negati*e. 4t issi %l& not %ossi,le.

ut it is. That is the enlighten ent of INarcissis )e*isitedI ,& 5a8a+nin. 5a is hi self one such clone. 6hat distinguishes hi is hisuncharacteristic courage to confront- and his uncann& understandingof- that /hich a+es us tic+- hi self included. Not onl& does 5adare as+ and then ans/er the question /e clones a*oid li+e the%lague- he does so /ith relentless- laser!li+e %recision. )ead his ,oo+.Ta+e &our seat at the dou,le!headed icrosco%e and let 5a guide

&ou through the dissection.'i+e a ,rain surgeon o%erating on hi self- 5a e@%lores and

e@%oses the alien a ong us- ho%ing ,e&ond ho%e for a resecta,letu our ,ut finding instead each and e*er& cell tea ing /ith thesa e resistant *irus. The o%eration is long and tedious- and at ti esfrightening and hard to ,elie*e. )ead on. The %arts e@%osed are asthe& are- des%ite /hat a& see h&%er,olic or farfetched. Their*alidit& ight not hit ho e until later- /hen cou%led /ith e oriesof %ast e*ents and e@%eriences.

4 a - as 4 said- & o/n /orst night are. True- the /orld is re%lete/ith & contri,utions- and 4 a lots of fun to ,e around. And true-

ost contri,utions li+e ine are not the result of trou,led souls. utan& ore than &ou ight /ant to ,elie*e are. And if ,& chance &ou

get caught in & /e,- 4 can a+e &our life a li*ing hell. utre e ,er this. 4 a in that /e, too. The difference ,et/een &ou and

e is that &ou can get out.

7en +eil,r'nn .Seattle as*ington ;S

ks,r'nn


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I N # R " . ; ! # I " N

#*e +a,it o> Identit

Warning and Disclaimer

The contents of th s !oo" are not eant to s$!st t$te for profess ona% he%p an&co$nse%% n'( The rea&ers are & sco$ra'e& fro $s n' t for & a'nost c or

therape$t c en&s( The & a'nos s an& treat ent of the )arc ss st c *ersona% t+, sor&er can on%+ !e &one !+ profess ona%s spec f ca%%+ tra ne& an& -$a% f e& to&o so . /h ch the a$thor s not( The a$thor s ) T a enta% hea%th

profess ona% tho$'h he s cert f e& n enta% ea%th Co$nse%% n' Techn -$es(

4n a fa ous e@%eri ent- students /ere as+ed to ta+e a le on ho eand to get used to it. Three da&s later- the& /ere a,le to single outItheirI le on fro a %ile of rather si ilar ones. The& see ed to ha*e,onded. 4s this the true eaning of lo*e - ,onding- cou%ling> Do /esi %l& get used to other hu an ,eings- %ets- or o,(ects>

Ha,it for ing in hu ans is refle@i*e. 6e change oursel*es and ouren*iron ent in order to attain a@i u co fort and /ell ,eing. 4t isthe effort that goes into these ada%ti*e %rocesses that for s a ha,it.The ha,it is intended to %re*ent us fro constant e@%eri enting andris+ ta+ing. The greater our /ell ,eing- the ,etter /e function and the

longer /e sur*i*e.Actuall&- /hen /e get used to so ething or to so eone 0 /e get

used to oursel*es. 4n the o,(ect of the ha,it /e see a %art of our
http://samvak.tripod.com/lovepathology.htmlhttp://samvak.tripod.com/lovepathology.html


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unforeseea,le /a&s. 4t eta or%hoses and the constanc& of thesechanges is /hat gi*es us a sense of identit&.

Actuall&- /hen the %ersonalit& is rigid to the %oint of ,eing una,leto change in reaction to shifting circu stances 0 /e sa& that it is

disordered. One has a %ersonalit& disorder /hen one9s ha,itssu,stitute for one9s identit&. 5uch a %erson identifies hi self /ith hisen*iron ent- ta+ing ,eha*ioural- e otional- and cogniti*e cuese@clusi*el& fro it. His inner /orld isso to s%ea+- *acated- his True5elf erel& an a%%arition.

5uch a %erson is inca%a,le of lo*ing and of li*ing. He is inca%a,le oflo*ing ,ecause to lo*e another one ust first lo*e oneself. And- in

the a,sence of a 5elf that is i %ossi,le. And- in the long!ter - he isinca%a,le of li*ing ,ecause life is a struggle to/ards ulti%le goals- astri*ing- a dri*e at so ething. 4n other /ords: life is change. He /hocannot change- cannot li*e.

Sa= ?aknin

)eturn


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The Narcissistic Personality Disorder


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Pri=er on Nar(issis=

*at is Nar(issis=@A %attern of traits and ,eha*iours /hich signif& infatuation ando,session /ith one9s self to the e@clusion of all others and theegotistic and ruthless %ursuit of one9s gratification- do inance anda ,ition.

J Most narcissists


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J There is a /hole range of narcissistic reactions 0 fro the ild-reacti*e and transient to the %er anent %ersonalit& disorder.

J Narcissistic 5u%%l& is outside attention 0 usuall& %ositi*e


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e path+ $s$a%%+ !e' nn n' !+ ear%+ a&$%thoo& an& present n ar o$sconte ts(

The D5M s%ecifies nine diagnostic criteria . 2or NPD to ,ediagnosed- fi*e


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J ,e o & of e %ath&. 4s $na!%e or un/illing to identif& /ith-ac"no/%e&'e - or accept the feelings- needs- preferences - pr or t es-an& cho ces of others

J Constantl& en*ious of others an& see"s to h$rt or &estro+ the

o!;ects of h s or her fr$strat on . $ffers fro persec$tor+parano & &e%$s ons as he or she ,elie*es that the& feel the sa e

a,out hi or her an& are % "e%+ to act s %ar%+ J eha*es arrogantl& and haughtil&. Fee%s s$per or o n potent

o n sc ent n nc !%e $ne a!o e the %a/ an& o n presenta' ca% th n" n' (


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Bi,liogra *

1. Alford- C. 2red. Narcissis : 5ocrates- the 2ran+furt 5chool and

Ps&choanal&tic Theor&. Ne/ Ha*en and 'ondon- Gale ;ni*ersit&Press- 1

". De*ereu@- ?eorge. asic Pro,le s of Ethno!Ps&chiatr&. ;ni*ersit&of Chicago Press- 1 #

. 2air,airn- 6. ). D. An O,(ect )elations Theor& of the Personalit&.Ne/ Gor+- asic oo+s- 1 $

. 2reud 5. Three Essa&s on the Theor& of 5e@ualit& L1 #$ . 5tandard

Edition of the Co %lete Ps&chological 6or+s of 5ig und 2reud.8ol. . 'ondon- Hogarth Press- 1 Q

$. 2reud- 5. On Narcissis . 5tandard Ed. 8ol. 1 - %%. !1#Q. ?old an- Ho/ard H.


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1". Horo*it M. 3. 5tress )es%onse 5&ndro es: PT5D- ?rief andAd(ust ent Disorders. rd Ed. Ne/ Gor+- NG ;ni*ersit& Press- 1

1 . 3aco,son- Edith. The 5elf and the O,(ect 6orld. Ne/ Gor+-4nternational ;ni*ersities Press- 1 Q

1 . 3ung- C.?. Collected 6or+s. ?. Adler- M. 2ordha and H. )ead


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" . 5alant!5ch/art - Nathan. Narcissis and CharacterTransfor ation. 4nner Cit& oo+s- 1 $ 0 %%. #! 1

" . 5tern- Daniel. The 4nter%ersonal 6orld of the 4nfant: A 8ie/ froPs&choanal&sis and De*elo% ental Ps&cholog&. Ne/ Gor+- asic

oo+s- 1 $#. 8a+nin- 5a . Malignant 5elf 'o*e 0 Narcissis )e*isited. 5+o%(e

and Prague- Narcissus Pu,lications- "##1. R/eig- Paul. The Heres& of 5elf 'o*e: A 5tud& of 5u,*ersi*e

4ndi*idualis . Ne/ Gor+- asic oo+s- 1 Q

)eturn


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Overview

#*is se(tion (ontains ro>essional ter=s%or treat=ent o> s e(i>i( iss'es go to t*e

%re/'entl sked 1'estions


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CHAPTE) 4

#*e So'l o> a Nar(issist#*e State o> t*e rt

6e all lo*e oursel*es. That see s to ,e such an instincti*el& truestate ent that /e do not ,other to e@a ine it ore thoroughl&. 4nour dail& affairs 0 in lo*e- in ,usiness- in other areas of life 0 /e acton this %re ise. Get- u%on closer ins%ection- it loo+s sha+ier.

5o e %eo%le e@%licitl& state that the& do not lo*e the sel*es at all


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ut this is a fallac&. Narcissus is not in lo*e /ith H4M5E'2. He is inlo*e /ith his )E2'ECT4ON.

There is a a(or difference ,et/een one9s True 5elf and reflected!self.

'o*ing &our True 5elf is health&- ada%ti*e- and functional.'o*ing a reflection has t/o a(or dra/,ac+s:1. One de%ends on the e@istence and a*aila,ilit& of the reflection

to %roduce the e otion of self!lo*e.". The a,sence of a Ico %assI- an Io,(ecti*e and realistic

&ardstic+I- ,& /hich to (udge the authenticit& of the reflection.4n other /ords- it is i %ossi,le to tell /hether the reflection is

true to realit& 0 and- if so- to /hat [email protected] %o%ular isconce%tion is that narcissists lo*e the sel*es. 4n

realit&- the& direct their lo*e to other %eo%le9s i %ressions of the .He /ho lo*es onl& i %ressions is inca%a,le of lo*ing %eo%le- hi selfincluded.

ut the narcissist does %ossess the in!,red desire to lo*e and to ,elo*ed. 4f he cannot lo*e hi self 0 he ust lo*e his reflection. ut tolo*e his reflection 0 it ust ,e lo*ea,le. Thus- dri*en ,& the insatia,leurge to lo*e


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4 a not sa&ing that the narcissist does not ha*e a central nucleusof a IselfI. All 4 a sa&ing is that he %refers his i age 0 /ith /hich heidentifies unreser*edl& 0 to his True 5elf. The True 5elf ,eco es serfto the 4 age. The narcissist- therefore- is not selfish 0 ,ecause his

True 5elf is %aral&sed and su,ordinate.The narcissist is not attuned e@clusi*el& to his needs. On the

contrar&: he ignores the ,ecause an& of the conflict /ith hisostensi,le o ni%otence and o niscience. He does not %ut hi selffirst 0 he %uts his self last. He caters to the needs and /ishes ofe*er&one around hi 0 ,ecause he cra*es their lo*e and ad iration.4t is through their reactions that he acquires a sense of distinct self. 4n

an& /a&s he annuls hi self 0 onl& to re!in*ent hi self through theloo+ of others. He is the %erson ost insensiti*e to his true needs.

The narcissist drains hi self of ental energ& in this %rocess. This is/h& he has none left to dedicate to others. This fact- as /ell as hisina,ilit& to lo*e hu an ,eings in their an& di ensions and facets-ulti atel& transfor hi into a recluse. His soul is fortified and in thesolace of this fortification he guards its territor& (ealousl& and fiercel&.He %rotects /hat he %ercei*es to constitute his inde%endence.

6h& should %eo%le indulge the narcissist> And /hat is theIe*olutionar&I- sur*i*al *alue of %referring one +ind of lo*e The narcissist9s ans/er is

si %le: ,ecause he is entitled to it. He feels that he deser*es/hate*er he succeeds to e@tract fro others and uch ore.Actuall&- he feels ,etra&ed- discri inated against and under%ri*ileged,ecause he ,elie*es that he is not ,eing treated fairl&- that he shouldget ore than he does.

There is a discre%anc& ,et/een his infinite certaint& that his is as%ecial status /hich renders hi /orth& of recurrent %raise and

adoration- re%lete /ith s%ecial ,enefits and %rerogati*es 0 and theactual state of his affairs. To the narcissist- this status of uniqueness is


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,esto/ed u%on hi not ,& *irtue of his achie*e ents- ,ut erel&,ecause he e@ists.

The narcissist9s dee s his ere e@istence as sufficientl& unique to/arrant the +ind of treat ent that he e@%ects to get fro the /orld.

Herein lies a %arado@- /hich haunts the narcissist: he deri*es his senseof uniqueness fro the *er& fact that he e@ists and he deri*es hissense of e@istence fro his ,elief that he is unique.

Clinical data sho/ that there is rarel& an& realistic ,asis for thesegrandiose notions of greatness and uniqueness.

5o e narcissists are high achie*ers /ith %ro*en trac+ records.5o e of the are %illars of their co unities. Mostl&- the& are

d&na ic and successful. 5till- the& are ridiculousl& %o %ous andinflated %ersonalities- ,ordering on the farcical and %ro*o+ingresent ent.

The narcissist is forced to use other %eo%le in order to feel that hee@ists. 4t is trough their e&es and through their ,eha*iour that heo,tains %roof of his uniqueness and grandeur. He is a ha,itualI%eo%le!(un+ieI. 6ith ti e- he co es to regard those around hi as

ere instru ents of gratification- as t/o!di ensional cartoon figures/ith negligi,le lines in the scri%t of his agnificent life.

He ,eco es unscru%ulous- ne*er ,othered ,& the constante@%loitation of his ilieu- indifferent to the consequences of hisactions- the da age and the %ain that he inflicts on others and e*enthe social conde nation and sanctions that he often has to endure.

6hen a %erson %ersists in a d&sfunctional- alada%ti*e or %lainuseless ,eha*iour des%ite gra*e re%ercussions to hi self and to

others- /e sa& that his acts are co %ulsi*e . The narcissist isco %ulsi*e in his %ursuit of Narcissistic 5u%%l&. This lin+age ,et/eennarcissis and o,sessi*e!co %ulsi*e disorders sheds light on the

echanis s of the narcissistic %s&che.The narcissist does not suffer fro a fault& sense of causation. He is

not o,li*ious to the li+el& outco es of his actions and to the %rice hea& ha*e to %a&. ut he doesn9t care.

A %ersonalit& /hose *er& e@istence is a deri*ati*e of its reflection inother %eo%le9s inds is %erilousl& de%endent on these %eo%le9s%erce%tions. The& are the 5ource of Narcissistic 5u%%l&


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Criticis and disa%%ro*al are inter%reted as a sadistic /ithholding ofsaid su%%l& and as a direct threat to the narcissist9s ental house ofcards.

The narcissist li*es in a /orld of all or nothing- of a constant Ito ,e

or not ,eI. E*er& discussion that he holds- e*er& glance of e*er&%asser!,& reaffir s his e@istence or casts it in dou,t. This is /h& thereactions of the narcissist see so dis%ro%ortionate: he reacts to /hathe %ercei*es to ,e a danger to the *er& cohesion of his self. Thus-e*er& inor disagree ent /ith a 5ource of Narcissistic 5u%%l& 0another %erson 0 is inter%reted as a threat to the narcissist9s *er& self!/orth.

This is such a crucial atter- that the narcissist cannot ta+e chances.He /ould rather ,e ista+en then re ain /ithout Narcissistic 5u%%l&.He /ould rather discern disa%%ro*al and un(ustified criticis /herethere are none then face the consequences of ,eing caught off!guard.

The narcissist has to condition his hu an en*iron ent to refrainfro e@%ressing criticis and disa%%ro*al of hi or of his actions anddecisions. He has to teach %eo%le around hi that these %ro*o+e hiinto frightful fits of te %er and rage attac+s and turn hi into aconstantl& cantan+erous and irasci,le %erson. His e@aggeratedreactions constitute a %unish ent for their inconsiderateness andtheir ignorance of his true %s&chological state.

The narcissist ,la es others for his ,eha*iour- accuses the of%ro*o+ing hi into his te %er tantru s and ,elie*es fir l& thatIthe&I should ,e %unished for their I is,eha*iourI. A%ologies 0

unless acco %anied ,& *er,al or other hu iliation 0 are not enough.The fuel of the narcissist9s rage is s%ent ainl& on *itriolic *er,alsend!offs directed at the


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4f the& cease to IfunctionI- if- no atter ho/ inad*ertentl&- the&cause hi to dou,t his illusor&- half!,a+ed- self!estee 0 the& aresu,(ected to a reign of terror. The narcissist then %roceeds to hurtthese Iinsu,ordinatesI. He ,elittles and hu iliates the . He dis%la&s

aggression and *iolence in &riad for s. His ,eha*ioureta or%hoses- +aleidosco%icall&- fro o*er!*aluing


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The narcissist is %ortra&ed as a onster- a ruthless and e@%loitati*e%erson. Get- inside- the narcissist suffers fro a chronic lac+ ofconfidence and is funda entall& dissatisfied. This a%%lies to allnarcissists. The distinction ,et/een Ico %ensator&I and IclassicI

narcissists is s%urious. All narcissists are /al+ing scar tissue- theoutco es of *arious for s of a,use .

On the outside- the narcissist a& a%%ear to ,e la,ile and unsta,le .ut- this does not ca%ture the ,arren landsca%e of iser& and fears

that is his soul. His ,ra en and rec+less ,eha*iour co*ers u% for ade%ressi*e - an@ious interior.

Ho/ can such contrasts coe@ist>

2reud


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s%oiling- o*er*aluing- and idolising the child 0 are also for s of%arental a,use.

This is ,ecause- as Horne& %ointed out- the s othered and s%oiledchild is dehu anised and instru entalised. His %arents lo*e hi not

for /hat he reall& is 0 ,ut for /hat the& /ish and i agine hi to ,e:the fulfil ent of their drea s and frustrated /ishes. The child,eco es the *essel of his %arents9 discontented li*es- a tool- the

agic air,rush /ith /hich the& see+ to transfor their failures intosuccesses- their hu iliation into *ictor&- their frustrations intoha%%iness.

The child is taught to gi*e u% on realit& and ado%t the %arental

fantasies. 5uch an unfortunate child feels o ni%otent and o niscient-%erfect and ,rilliant- /orth& of adoration and entitled to s%ecialtreat ent. The faculties that are honed ,& constantl& ,rushing against,ruising realit& 0 e %ath&- co %assion- a realistic assess ent of one9sa,ilities and li itations- realistic e@%ectations of oneself and ofothers- %ersonal ,oundaries- tea /or+- social s+ills- %erse*eranceand goal!orientation- not to ention the a,ilit& to %ost%onegratification and to /or+ hard to achie*e it 0 are all lac+ing or issingaltogether.

This +ind of child turned adult sees no reason to in*est resources inhis s+ills and education- con*inced that his inherent genius shouldsuffice. He feels entitled for erel& ,eing- rather than for actuall&doing


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According to Millon- it is the Ico %ensator&I narcissist that falls%re& to nagging self!dou,ts- feelings of inferiorit&- and a asochisticdesire for self!%unish ent.

Get- this distinction is ,oth /rong and unnecessar&.

Ps&chod&na icall&- there is onl& one t&%e of %athological narcissis 0though there are t/o de*elo% ental %aths to it. And all narcissistsare ,esieged ,& dee%l& ingrained


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He graduall& realises that he is no ore than a to&- an instru ent- aeans to an end 0 his %arents9 gratification.This shoc+ing re*elation defor s the ,udding Ego. The child for s

a strong de%endence


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should %ro*ide the ,asic necessities


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4t is co onl& agreed that a loss


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Add to these instinctual conflicts related to ,oth the li,ido and toaggression


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idealising li,ido fro the i ages of the %arents- /hich is conduci*eto the natural de*elo% ent of the 5u%erego. The narcissistic %art ofthe child9s %s&che re ains *ulnera,le throughout its de*elo% ent.This is largel& true until the IchildI re!internalises the ideal %arent

i age.Also- the *er& construction of the ental a%%aratus can ,e

ta %ered /ith ,& trau atic deficiencies and ,& o,(ect losses rightthrough the Oedi%al %eriod


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as%ires to deri*e the affir ation and the leadershi% that he cannotget fro his insufficientl& idealised 5u%erego.

)eturn


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Frequently Asked Questions


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2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON "

Pat*ologi(al Nar(issis= . s>'n(tion or a Blessing@

Co ents on recent research !+ The ans/er is: it de%ends. Health& narcissis is a ature- ,alanced

lo*e of oneself cou%led /ith a sta,le sense of self!/orth and self!

estee . Health& narcissis i %lies +no/ledge of one9s ,oundariesand a %ro%ortionate and realistic a%%raisal of one9s achie*e ents andtraits. Pathological narcissis is /rongl& descri,ed as too uchhealth& narcissis


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Parado@icall&- his d&sfunction allo/s the narcissist to function. 4tco %ensates for lac+s and deficiencies ,& e@aggerating tendenciesand traits. 4t is li+e the tactile sense of a ,lind %erson. 4n short:%athological narcissis is a result of o*er!sensiti*it&- the re%ression of

o*er/hel ing e ories and e@%eriences- and the su%%ression ofinordinatel& strong negati*e feelings

A challenge- or e*en a guaranteed e*entual triu %h 0 areeaningless in the a,sence of onloo+ers. The narcissist needs an

audience to a%%laud- affir - recoil- a%%ro*e- ad ire- adore- fear- ore*en detest hi . He cra*es the attention and de%ends on theNarcissistic 5u%%l& onl& others can %ro*ide. The narcissist deri*essustenance onl& fro the outside 0 his e otional innards are hollo/and ori,und.

The narcissist9s enhanced %erfor ance is %redicated on thee@istence of a challenge


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F rst p$!% she& on the $ te 101 )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ , sor&ers Top c(

)eturn
http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npdhttp://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd


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2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON 1$

#*e Nar(issistAs Rea(tion to .e>i(ientNar(issisti( S' l

Question: Ho/ does the narcissist react /hen he fails to o,tainenough Narcissistic 5u%%l&>

ns!er: 8er& uch as a drug addict /ould react to the a,sence ofhis %articular drug.

The narcissist constantl& consu es


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re%etiti*e- his s%eech a& falter- he a%%ears to ,e far a/a&- in a /orldof his narcissistic fantasies- /here Narcissistic 5u%%l& is a%lent&.

He /ithdra/s fro his %ainful e@istence- /here others fail toa%%reciate his greatness- s%ecial s+ills and talents- %otential- or

achie*e ents. The narcissist thus ceases to ,esto/ hi self u%on acruel uni*erse- %unishing it for its shortco ings- its ina,ilit& to realiseho/ unique he is.

The narcissist goes into a schi oid ode: he isolates hi self- aher it in the +ingdo of his hurt. He ini ises his social interactionsand uses I essengersI to co unicate /ith the outside. De*oid ofenerg&- the narcissist can no longer %retend to succu , to social

con*entions. His for er co %liance gi*es /a& to o%en /ithdra/al


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concocts a %rosecuting /orld- incor%orating in it his life9s e*ents andhis social ilieu. This gi*es eaning to /hat is erroneousl& %ercei*ed,& the narcissist to ,e a sudden shift


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ene ies and to the %o/ers of Ie*ilI. 4t is a childish %hantas agoria 0,ut to the narcissist it is *er& real.

The narcissist +no/s /ith religious certaint& that good things /illal/a&s ha%%en to hi . 6ith equal certitude- the ore self!a/are

narcissist +no/s that he /ill squander this good fortune ti e andagain 0 a %ainful e@%erience ,est a*oided. 5o- no atter /hatserendi%it& or fortuit&- /hat luc+& circu stance- /hat ,lessing thenarcissist recei*es 0 he al/a&s stri*es /ith ,lind fur& to deflect the -to defor and to ruin his chances.

)eturn


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2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON 1Q

#*e .el'sional a "'t

Question: 6hen & hus,and goes through a ,ad s%ot- he shutshi self in his den all da& long- doesn9t tal+ to an&one- (ust surfs the6e,. 4s this t&%ical> 5hould 4 ,e /orried>

ns!er: The stud& of narcissis is a centur& old and the t/oscholarl& de,ates central to its conce%tion are still undecided. 4s there

such a thing as HEA'THG adult narcissis


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unfortunate child feels o ni%otent and o niscient- %erfect and,rilliant- /orth& of adoration and entitled to s%ecial treat ent. Thefaculties that are honed ,& constantl& ,rushing against ,ruising realit&

0 e %ath&- co %assion- a realistic assess ent of one9s a,ilities and

li itations- realistic e@%ectations of oneself and of others- %ersonal,oundaries- tea /or+- social s+ills- %erse*erance and goal!orientation- not to ention the a,ilit& to %ost%one gratification andto /or+ hard to achie*e it 0 are all lac+ing or issing altogether. Thechild turned adult sees no reason to in*est in his s+ills and education-con*inced that his inherent genius should suffice. He feels entitled for

erel& ,eing- rather than for actuall& doing


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narcissist finds- to his chagrin- that %eo%le out there are uch lessad iring- acco odating and acce%ting than his %arents. As hegro/s old- the narcissist often ,eco es the target of constantderision and oc+er&- a sorr& sight indeed. His clai s for su%eriorit&

a%%ear less %lausi,le and su,stantial the ore and the longer hea+es the .Pathological narcissis 0 originall& a defence echanis intended

to shield the narcissist fro an in(urious /orld 0 ,eco es the ainsource of hurt- a generator of in(uries- counter%roducti*e anddangerous. O*er/hel ed ,& negati*e or a,sent Narcissistic 5u%%l&-the narcissist is forced to let go of it.

The narcissist then resorts to self!delusion. ;na,le to co %letel&ignore contrarian o%inion and data 0 he trans utes the . ;na,le toface the dis al failure that he is- the narcissist %artiall& /ithdra/sfro realit&. To soothe and sal*e the %ain of disillusion ent- head inisters to his aching soul a i@ture of lies- distortions- half!truthsand outlandish inter%retations of e*ents around hi . These solutionscan ,e classified thus:

The Delusional Narrati"e SolutionThe narcissist constructs a narrati*e in /hich he figures as the hero 0,rilliant- %erfect- irresisti,l& handso e- destined for great things-entitled- %o/erful- /ealth&- the centre of attention- etc. The ,iggerthe strain on this delusional charade 0 the greater the ga% ,et/eenfantas& and realit& 0 the ore the delusion coalesces and solidifies.

2inall&- if it is sufficientl& %rotracted- it re%laces realit& and the

narcissist9s realit& test deteriorates. He /ithdra/s his ,ridges and a&,eco e schi ot&%al- catatonic- or schi oid.

The ntisocial Solution

The narcissist renounces realit&. To his ind- those /ho%usillani ousl& fail to recognise his un,ound talents- innatesu%eriorit&- o*erarching ,rilliance- ,ene*olent nature- entitle ent-cos icall& i %ortant ission- %erfection- etc. 0 do not deser*e

consideration. The narcissist9s natural affinit& /ith the cri inal 0 hislac+ of e %ath& and co %assion- his deficient social s+ills- hisdisregard for social la/s and orals 0 no/ eru%t and ,losso . He


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,eco es a full fledged antisocial


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inad*ertent- and innocent co ent 0 as designed to %ro*o+e andhu iliate the . The& so/ fear- re*ulsion- hate- and alignant en*&.The& flail against the /ind ills of realit& 0 a %athetic- forlorn- sight.

ut often the& cause real and lasting da age 0 fortunatel&- ainl& to

the sel*es.

The (asochistic "oidant Solution

The narcissist is angered ,& the lac+ of Narcissistic 5u%%l&. He directsso e of this fur& in/ards- %unishing hi self for his IfailureI. This

asochistic ,eha*iour has the added I,enefitI of forcing thenarcissist9s closest to assu e the roles of dis a&ed s%ectators or of%ersecutors and thus- either /a&- to %a& hi the attention that hecra*es.

5elf!ad inistered %unish ent often anifests as self!handica%%ingasochis 0 a narcissistic co%!out. & under ining his /or+- his

relationshi%s- and his efforts- the increasingl& fragile narcissist a*oidsadditional criticis and censure


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LAdditional reading: Millon- Theodore and Da*is- )oger 0Personalit& Disorders in Modern 'ife- "nd Edition 0 Ne/ Gor+- 3ohn6ile& and 5ons- "###

randiosit and Inti=a( ) #*e Roots o> Paranoia

Paranoid ideation 0 the narcissist9s dee%!rooted con*iction that he is,eing %ersecuted ,& his inferiors- detractors- or %o/erful ill!/ishers 0ser*es t/o %s&chod&na ic %ur%oses. 4t u%holds the narcissist9sgrandiosit& and it fends off inti ac&.

)randiosity Enhancing Paranoia

eing the target of relentless- u,iquitous- and un(ust %ersecution

%ro*es to the %aranoid narcissist ho/ i %ortant and feared he is.eing hounded ,& the ight& and the %ri*ileged *alidates his %i*otal

role in the sche e of things. Onl& *ital- /eight&- crucial- essential%rinci%als are thus ,ullied and inti idated- follo/ed and harassed-stal+ed and intruded u%on 0 goes his unconscious inner dialog. Thenarcissist consistentl& ,aits authorit& figures into %unishing hi andthus into u%holding his delusional self!i age as /orth& of their

attention. This %ro*ocati*e ,eha*iour is called Pro(ecti*e4dentification.

The %aranoid delusions of the narcissist are al/a&s grandiose-Icos icI- or IhistoricalI. His %ursuers are influential and for ida,le.The& are after his unique %ossessions- out to e@%loit his e@%ertise ands%ecial traits- or to force hi to a,stain and refrain fro certainactions. The narcissist feels that he is at the centre of intrigues andcons%iracies of colossal agnitudes.

Alternati*el&- the narcissist feels *icti ised ,& ediocre ,ureaucratsand intellectual d/ar*es /ho consistentl& fail to a%%reciate hisoutstanding 0 reall&- un%aralleled 0 talents- s+ills- andacco %lish ents. eing haunted ,& his challenged inferiorssu,stantiates the narcissist9s co %arati*e su%eriorit&. Dri*en ,&%athological en*&- these %&g ies collude to defraud hi - ,adger hi -den& hi his due- denigrate- isolate- and ignore hi .

The narcissist %ro(ects onto this second class of lesser %ersecutorshis o/n deleterious e otions and transfor ed aggression: hatred-rage- and seething (ealous&.


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The narcissist9s %aranoid strea+ is li+eliest to eru%t /hen he lac+sNarcissistic 5u%%l&. The regulation of his la,ile sense of self!/orth isde%endent u%on e@ternal sti uli 0 adoration- adulation- affir ation-a%%lause- notoriet&- fa e- infa &- and- in general- attention of an&

+ind.6hen such attention is deficient- the narcissist co %ensates ,&

confa,ulating. He constructs ungrounded narrati*es in /hich he is the%rotagonist and uses the to force his hu an en*iron ent intoco %licit&.

Put si %l&- he %ro*o+es %eo%le to %a& attention to hi ,&is,eha*ing or ,eha*ing oddl&.

*ntimacy Retarding Paranoia

Paranoia is use ,& the narcissist to /ard off or re*erse inti ac&. Thenarcissist is threatened ,& inti ac& ,ecause it reduces hi toordinariness ,& e@%osing his /ea+nesses and shortco ings and ,&causing hi to act Inor all&I. The narcissist also dreads theencounter /ith his dee% ,uried e otions 0 hurt- en*&- anger-aggression 0 li+el& to ,e foisted on hi in an inti ate relationshi%.

The %aranoid narrati*e legiti ises inti ac& re%elling ,eha*iourssuch as +ee%ing one9s distance- secrec&- aloofness- reclusion-aggression- intrusion on %ri*ac&- l&ing- desultoriness- itineranc&-un%redicta,ilit&- and idios&ncratic or eccentric reactions. ?raduall&-the narcissist succeeds to alienate and /ear do/n all his friends-colleagues- /ell!/ishers- and ates.

E*en his closest- nearest- and dearest- his fa il& 0 feel e otionall&

detached and I,urnt outI.The %aranoid narcissist ends life as an odd,all recluse 0 derided-

feared- and loathed in equal easures. His %aranoia 0 e@acer,ated ,&re%eated re(ections and ageing 0 %er*ades his entire life anddi inishes his creati*it&- ada%ta,ilit&- and functioning. The narcissist%ersonalit&- ,uffeted ,& %aranoia- turns ossified and ,rittle. 2inall&-ato ised and useless- it succu ,s and gi*es /a& to a great *oid. Thenarcissist is consu ed.



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)eturn


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2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON 1

#*e ;nsta,le Nar(issist

Question: 4s the narcissist characterised ,& si ultaneous insta,ilitiesin all the i %ortant as%ects of his life>

ns!er: The narcissist is a %erson /ho deri*es his Ego


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The narcissist a& stud& a gi*en su,(ect diligentl& and in greatde%th in order to i %ress %eo%le later /ith this ne/l& acquirederudition. ut- ha*ing ser*ed its %ur%ose- the narcissist lets the+no/ledge thus acquired e*a%orate. The narcissist aintains a sort of

a Ishort!ter I cell or /arehouse /here he stores /hate*er a& co ehand& in the %ursuit of Narcissistic 5u%%l&. ut he is al ost ne*erreall& interested in /hat he does- studies- and e@%eriences.

2ro the outside- this ight ,e %ercei*ed as insta,ilit&. ut thin+a,out it this /a&: the narcissist is constantl& %re%aring for life9sIe@a sI and feels that he is on a %er anent trial. 4t is co on toforget aterial studied onl& in %re%aration for an e@a or for a court

a%%earance.5hort!ter e or& is %erfectl& nor al. 6hat sets the narcissist

a%art is the fact that- /ith hi - this short!ter is is a CON5TANTstate of affairs and affects A'' his functions- not onl& those directl&related to learning- or to e otions- or to e@%erience- or to an& singledi ension of his life.

Thus- the narcissist learns- re e ,ers and forgets not in line /ithhis real interests or ho,,ies- he lo*es and hates not the real su,(ectsof his e otions ,ut one di ensional- utilitarian- cartoons constructed,& hi . He (udges- %raises and conde ns 0 all fro the narro/est%ossi,le %oint of *ie/: the %otential to e@tract Narcissistic 5u%%l&.

He as+s not /hat he can do /ith the /orld and in it 0 ,ut /hat canthe /orld do for hi as far as Narcissistic 5u%%l& goes. He falls in andout of lo*e /ith %eo%le- /or+%laces- residences- *ocations- ho,,ies-interests 0 ,ecause the& see to ,e a,le to %ro*ide ore or less

Narcissistic 5u%%l& and for no other reason.5till- narcissists ,elong to t/o ,road categories: the Ico %ensator&

sta,ilit&I and the Ienhancing insta,ilit&I t&%es.

Com&ensatory Sta+ility $,Classic,' Narcissists

These narcissists isolate one or ore


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*alue s&ste s or faiths. At the sa e ti e- he aintains


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relocates to another cit& or countr&. 4f he di*orces- he is also li+el& toresign his (o,.

This added insta,ilit& gi*es this t&%e of narcissist the feeling that allthe di ensions of his life are changing si ultaneousl&- that he is

,eing Iunshac+ledI- that a transfor ation is in %rogress. This- ofcourse- is an illusion. Those /ho +no/ the narcissist- no longer trusthis frequent Icon*ersionsI- IdecisionsI- IcrisesI- Itransfor ationsI-Ide*elo% entsI and I%eriodsI. The& see through his %retensions-%rotestations- and sole n declarations into the core of his insta,ilit&.The& +no/ that he is not to ,e relied u%on. The& +no/ that /ithnarcissists- te %orariness is the onl& %er anence.

Narcissists hate routine. 6hen a narcissist finds hi self doing thesa e things o*er and o*er again- he gets de%ressed. He o*erslee%s-o*er!eats- o*er!drin+s and- in general- engages in addicti*e- i %ulsi*e-rec+less - and co %ulsi*e ,eha*iours. This is his /a& of re!introducingris+ and e@cite ent into /hat he


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these lo/l& functions are ,est assigned to the less gifted. The de*il isin %a&ing %recious attention to detail.

Entitle ent is so eti es (ustified in a Picasso or an Einstein. utfe/ narcissists are either. Their achie*e ents are grotesquel&

inco ensurate /ith their o*er/hel ing sense of entitle ent and/ith their grandiose self!i age.

Of course- this o*er%o/ering sense of su%eriorit& often ser*es toas+ and co %ensate for a cancerous co %le@ of inferiorit&.

Moreo*er- the narcissist infects others /ith his %ro(ected grandiosit&and their feed,ac+ constitutes the edifice u%on /hich he constructshis self!estee . He regulates his sense of self!/orth ,& rigidl& insisting

that he is a,o*e the adding cro/d /hile deri*ing his Narcissistic5u%%l& fro the *er& %eo%le he holds in dee% conte %t.

ut there is a second angle to this a,horrence of the %redicta,le.Narcissists e %lo& a host of E otional 4n*ol*e ent Pre*ention Measures t*e Nar(issist

Narcissists Ilo*eI their s%ouses or other significant others 0 as long as

the& continue to relia,l& %ro*ide the /ith Narcissistic 5u%%l&


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and is a*aila,le to %ro*ide hi /ith Narcissistic 5u%%l&. He Ilo*esI hischildren ,ecause the& are %art of his self!i age as a successfulhus,and and father. He Ilo*esI his IfriendsI ,ecause 0 and onl& aslong as 0 he can e@%loit the .

5uch a narcissist reacts /ith alar and rage to an& sign ofinde%endence and autono & in his IchargesI. He tries to Ifree eIe*er&one around hi in their IallocatedI %ositions and IassignedrolesI. His /orld is rigid and i o*a,le- %redicta,le and static- full&under his control. He %unishes for ItransgressionsI against thisordained order. He thus stifles life as a d&na ic %rocess ofco %ro ising and gro/ing 0 rendering it instead a ere theatre- a

ta,leau *i*ant.The other t&%e of narcissist a,hors onoton& and constanc&-

equating the - in his ind- /ith death. He see+s u%hea*al- dra a-and change 0 ,ut onl& /hen the& confor to his %lans- designs- and*ie/s of the /orld and of hi self. Thus- he does not encouragegro/th in his nearest and dearest. & ono%olising their li*es- he- li+ethe other +ind of narcissist- also reduces the to ere o,(ects- %ro%sin the e@citing dra a of his life.

This narcissist li+e/ise rages at an& sign of re,ellion anddisagree ent. ut- as o%%osed to the first su,!s%ecies- he see+s toani ate others /ith his de ented energ&- grandiose %lans- and

egalo aniacal self!%erce%tion. An adrenaline (un+ie - his /orld is a/hirl/ind of co ings and goings- reunions and se%arations- lo*es andhates- *ocations ado%ted and discarded- sche es erected anddis antled- ene ies turned friends and *ice *ersa. His ;ni*erse is

equall& a theatre- ,ut a ore ferocious and chaotic one.6here is lo*e in all this> 6here is the co it ent to the lo*ed

one9s /elfare- the disci%line- the e@tension of oneself to incor%oratethe ,elo*ed- the utual gro/th>

No/here to ,e seen. The narcissist9s Ilo*eI is hate and feardisguised 0 fear of losing control and hatred of the *er& %eo%le his%recariousl& ,alanced %ersonalit& so de%ends on. The narcissist is

egotisticall& co itted onl& to his o/n /ell!,eing. To hi - theo,(ects of his Ilo*eI are interchangea,le and inferior.


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He idealises his nearest and dearest not ,ecause he is s itten ,&e otion 0 ,ut ,ecause he needs to ca%ti*ate the and to con*incehi self that the& are /orth& 5ources of 5u%%l&- des%ite their fla/sand ediocrit&. Once he dee s the useless- he discards and

de*alues the si ilarl& cold!,loodedl&. A %redator- al/a&s on theloo+out- he de,ases the coin of Ilo*eI as he corru%ts e*er&thing elsein hi self and around hi .

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2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON "

"t*er Peo leAs Pain

Question: Do the& actuall& en(o& the taunting- the sadistic ,eha*iour-and the %unish ent that al/a&s follo/s>

ns!er: Most narcissists en(o& an irrational and ,rief ,urst of reliefafter ha*ing suffered e otionall&


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anguished reactions 0 is that the& are goal orientated. IPureI sadistsha*e no goal in ind e@ce%t the %ursuit of %leasure 0 %ain as an artfor =. The narcissist- on the otherhand- haunts and hunts his *icti s for a reason 0 he /ants the to

reflect his inner state. 4t is all %art of a echanis called Pro(ecti*e4dentification.

6hen the narcissist is angr&- unha%%&- disa%%ointed- in(ured- or hurt 0 he feels una,le to e@%ress his e otions sincerel& and o%enl& sinceto do so /ould ,e to ad it his frailt&- his neediness- and his/ea+nesses. He de%lores his o/n hu anit& 0 his e otions- his*ulnera,ilit&- his susce%ti,ilit&- his gulli,ilit&- his inadequacies- and his

failures. 5o- he a+es use of other %eo%le to e@%ress his %ain and hisfrustration- his %ent u% anger and his aggression. He achie*es this ,&

entall& torturing other %eo%le to the %oint of adness- ,& dri*ingthe to *iolence- ,& reducing the to scar tissue in search of outlet-closure- and- so eti es- re*enge. He forces %eo%le to lose their o/ncharacter traits 0 and ado%t his o/n instead. 4n reaction to hisconstant and /ell!targeted a,use- the& ,eco e a,usi*e- *engeful-ruthless- lac+ing e %ath&- o,sessed- and aggressi*e. The& irror hifaithfull& and thus relie*e hi of the need to e@%ress hi self directl&.

Ha*ing constructed this /rithing hall of hu an irrors- thenarcissist /ithdra/s. The goal achie*ed- he lets go. As o%%osed to thesadist- he is no in it- indefinitel&- for the %leasure of it. He a,uses andtrau atises- hu iliates and a,andons- discards and ignores- insultsand %ro*o+es 0 onl& for the %ur%ose of %urging his inner de ons. &%ossessing others- he %urifies hi self- catharticall&- and e@orcises his

de ented self.This acco %lished- he acts al ost /ith re orse. An e%isode of

e@tre e a,use is follo/ed ,& an act of great care and ,& ellifluousa%ologies. The Narcissistic Pendulu s/ings ,et/een the e@tre es oftorturing others and e %athicall& soothing the resulting %ain. Thisincongruous ,eha*iour- these IsuddenI shifts ,et/een sadis andaltruis - a,use and Ilo*eI- ignoring and caring- a,andoning and

clinging- *iciousness and re orse- the harsh and the tender 0 are-%erha%s- the ost difficult to co %rehend and to acce%t. Theses/ings %roduce in %eo%le around the narcissist e otional insecurit&-


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an eroded sense of self!/orth- fear- stress- and an@iet&


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2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON #

#o ge &it* ra(e

The per anent te ptat on of % fe s to conf$se &rea s / th rea% t+(Then per anent &efeat of % fe co es /hen &rea s are s$rren&ere& torea% t+(

a=es i(*ener 't*or

The narcissist ages /ithout erc& and /ithout grace. His /ithered,od& and his o*er/rought ind ,etra& hi all at once. He stares /ithincredulit& and rage at cruel irrors. He refuses to acce%t his gro/ingfalli,ilit&. He re,els against his decre%itude and ediocrit&.Accusto ed to ,eing a/e!ins%iring and the reci%ient of adulation 0the narcissist cannot countenance his social isolation and the %atheticfigure that he cuts.

As a child %rodig&- a se@ s& ,ol- a stud- a %u,lic intellectual- anactor- an idol 0 the narcissist /as at the centre of attention- the e&eof his %ersonal t/ister- a ,lac+ hole /hich suc+ed %eo%le9s energ&and resources dr& and s%at out /ith indifference their utilatedcarcasses. No longer. 6ith old age co es disillusion ent. Old char s/ear thin.

Ha*ing ,een e@%osed for /hat he is 0 a deceitful- treacherous-alignant egotist 0 the narcissist9s old tric+s no/ fail hi . Peo%le are

on their guard- their gulli,ilit& reduced. The narcissist 0 ,eing therigid- %recariousl& ,alanced structure that he is 0 can9t change. He

re*erts to old for s- re!ado%ts hoar& ha,its- succu ,s to erst/hilete %tations. He is ade a oc+er& ,& his accentuated denial of


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realit&- ,& his o,durate refusal to gro/ u%- an eternal- alfor edchild in the sagging ,od& of a deca&ing an.

4t is the fa,le of the grassho%%er and the ant re*isited.The narcissist 0 the grassho%%er 0 ha*ing relied on su%ercilious

stratage s throughout his life 0 is singularl& ill!ada%ted to life9s rigorsand tri,ulations. He feels entitled 0 ,ut fails to elicit Narcissistic5u%%l&. 6rin+led ti e a+es child %rodigies lose their agic- lo*erse@haust their %otenc&- %hilanderers /aste their allure- and geniuses

iss their touch. The longer the narcissist li*es 0 the ore a*erage he,eco es. The /ider the gulf ,et/een his %retensions and hisacco %lish ents 0 the ore he is the o,(ect of derision and

conte %t.Get- fe/ narcissists sa*e for rain& da&s. 2e/ ,other to stud& a trade-

or get a degree- %ursue a career- aintain a ,usiness- +ee% their (o,s-or raise functioning fa ilies- nurture their friendshi%s- or ,roadentheir hori ons. Narcissists are %erenniall& ill!%re%ared. Those /hosucceed in their *ocation- end u% ,itterl& alone ha*ing squanderedthe lo*e of s%ouse- off!s%ring- and ates. The ore gregarious andfa il&!orientated 0 often flun+ at /or+- lea% fro one (o, to another-relocate erraticall&- fore*er itinerant and %eri%atetic.

The contrast ,et/een his &outh and %ri e and his dila%idated%resent constitutes a %er anent narcissistic in(ur&. The narcissistretreats dee%er into hi self to find solace. He /ithdra/s into the%enu ,ral uni*erse of his grandiose fantasies. There 0 al ost%s&chotic 0 he sal*es his /ounds and co forts hi self /ith tro%hiesof his %ast. A rare inorit& of narcissists acce%t their fate /ith

fatalis or good hu our. These %recious fe/ are healed &steriousl&,& the dee%est offence to their egalo ania 0 old age. The& losetheir narcissis and confront the outer /orld /ith the %oise andco %osure that the& lac+ed /hen the& /ere ca%ti*es of their o/n-distorted- narrati*e.

5uch changed narcissists de*elo% ne/- ore realistic- e@%ectationsand ho%es 0 co ensurate /ith their talents- s+ills- acco %lish ents

and education. 4ronicall&- it is in*aria,l& too late. The& are a*oidedand ignored- rendered trans%arent ,& their chec+ered %ast. The& are%assed o*er for %ro otion- ne*er in*ited to %rofessional or social


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gatherings- cold!shouldered ,& the edia. The& are snu,,ed anddisregarded. The& are ne*er the reci%ients of %er+s- ,enefits- ora/ards. The& are ,la ed /hen not ,la e/orth& and rarel& %raised/hen deser*ing. The& are ,eing constantl& and consistentl& %unished

for /ho the& /ere. 4t is %oetic (ustice in ore than one /a&. The& are,eing treated narcissisticall& ,& their erst/hile *icti s. The& finall& aretasting their o/n edicine- the ,itter har*est of their /rath andarrogance.


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2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON $#

#*e Inverted Nar(issist

> th contr !$t ons !+ the e !ers of the )arc ss s ? st

#+$ !LINI! L PI!#;R$ N. .$?$L"P $N# L R""#S )"P$NIN R$ R7S

#er=inolog

Co.De&endents

Peo%le /ho de%end on other %eo%le for their e otional gratificationand the %erfor ance of ego or dail& functions. The& are need&-de anding- su, issi*e. The& fear a,andon ent- cling and dis%la&i ature ,eha*iours in their effort to aintain the Irelationshi%I/ith their co %anion or ate u%on /ho the& de%end. No atter/hat a,use is inflicted u%on the 0 the& re ain in the relationshi%.

L5ee also the definition of the De%endent Personalit& Disorder in

the Diagnostic and 5tatistical Manual 0 D5M!48!T)- "###

*n"erted Narcissist

Also called Ico*ert narcissistI- this is a co!de%endent /ho de%endse@clusi*el& on narcissists


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ON'G /ith narcissists- no atter /hat &our


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#*e !o= ensator vers's t*e !lassi( Nar(issist

Another interesting distinction- suggested ,& Da*e Fell& in hise@cellent PTGPE5 6e, site < htt%:77///.%t&%es.co = is ,et/een theCo %ensator& T&%e NPD and the Classic NPD


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B Dnterta ns fantas es of 'reatness constant%+ str n' for perfect on'en $s or star&o For an

B as a h stor+ of search n' for an &ea% se& partner an& has anntense nee& for aff r at on an& conf r at on n re%at onsh ps

For anB Fre-$ent%+ enterta ns a / shf$% e a''erate& an& $nrea% st c

concept of h se%f /h ch he can t poss !%+ eas$re $p to


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A per as e pattern of se%f nf%at on pse$&o conf &ence e h ! t on san& str n's for prest 'e that co pensates for fee% n's of na&e-$ac+an& %o/ se%f estee as n& cate& !+ the fo%%o/ n':

B *se$&o conf &ence co pensat n' for an $n&er%+ n' con& t on of

nsec$r t+ an& fee% n's of he%p%essnessB *retent o$sness se%f nf%at onB D h ! t on s n the p$rs$ t of attent on reco'n t on an& '%or+B tr n's for prest 'e to enhance se%f esteeB ,ece tf$%ness an& an p$%at eness n the ser ce of a nta n n'

fee% n's of s$per or t+B I&ea% sat on n re%at onsh ps

B Fra' entat on of the se%f: fee% n's of e pt ness an& &ea&nessB A pro$& h$!r st c & spos t onB +pochon&r as sB $!stance a!$seB e%f &estr$ct eness(Co pensator+ )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ , sor&er correspon&s to

Drnest Eones narc ss st c Jo& Co p%e Ann e


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J Has a sense of entitle ent: an unreasona,le e@%ectation ofes%eciall& fa*oura,le treat ent

J )equires uch attention and ad iration of othersJ 'ac+s e %ath&: fails to recognise and e@%erience ho/ others feel

J 4s %reoccu%ied /ith feelings of en*&.This is ainl& the D5M!444!) *ie/. Pa& attention to the not so su,tle

changes in the D5M!48!T)Lhtt%:77,eha*enet.co 7ca%sules7disorders7narcissistic%d.ht .

LMore a,out %athological narcissis here .

#*e Inverted Nar(issist

4t is clear that there is- indeed- an hitherto neglected t&%e ofnarcissist. 4t is the Iself!effacingI or Iintro*ertedI narcissist. 6e call itthe Iin*erted narcissistI


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". The offspr n' of &ot n' or &o neer n' parents often narc ss ststhe se% es 0 The& internalise their %arents9 *oices in the forof a sadistic- ideal- i ature 5u%erego and s%end their li*estr&ing to ,e %erfect- o ni%otent- o niscient and to ,e (udged

Ia successI ,& these %arent!i ages and their laterre%resentations and su,stitutes


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%s&chological gro/th and e otional aturation of the child. Thechild ,eco es a reflection of the %arent- a conduit through /hich the%arent e@%eriences and realises hi self for ,etter


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narcissisticall&. 6hat others call a,use is- to hi or her- fa iliarterritor& and constitutes Narcissistic 5u%%l&. To the in*erted narcissist-the classic narcissist is a 5ource of 5u%%l&


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e@clusion of all else. The 4N feels ill at ease in his relationshi%s /ithnon!narcissists ,ecause it is unconsciousl& %ercei*ed ,& hi toconstitute I,etra&alI- IcheatingI- an a,rogation of the e@clusi*it&clause he has /ith the narcissistic Pri ar& O,(ect.

This is the ,ig difference ,et/een narcissists and their in*erted*ersion.

Classic narcissists of all stri%es re(ect the Pri ar& O,(ect in%articular


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This is the sa e as the D5M!48!T) criterion for Narcissistic Personalit&Disorder ,ut- /ith the 4N- it anifests a,solutel& differentl&- i.e. thecogniti*e dissonance is shar%er here ,ecause the 4N is so a,solutel&and co %letel& con*inced of their /orthlessness that these fantasies

of grandeur are e@tre el& %ainful IdissonancesI.6ith the narcissist- the dissonance e@ists on t/o le*els:1. et/een the unconscious feeling of lac+ of sta,le self!/orth and

the grandiose fantasies-". AND ,et/een the grandiose fantasies and realit&


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The Irighteous sense of ,eing %ro%erl& e@cludedI co es fro thesadistic 5u%erego in concert /ith the Io*er,earing- e@ternall&reinforced- conscienceI.

Criterion F13R

,e an&s anon+ t+ n the sense of see" n' to re a n e c%$&e& at a%%costs an& s ntense%+ rr tate& an& $nco forta!%e / th an+ attent on!e n' pa & to her . s %ar to the ch Ko & *,(

Criterion F*4E

Fee%s that she s $n&eser n' an& not ent t%e&(

2eels that she is inferior to others- lac+ing- insu,stantial- un/orth&-unli+a,le- una%%ealing- unlo*a,le- so eone to scorn and dis iss- orto ignore.

Criterion S*X

Is e t n'$ sh n'%+ se%f%ess sacr f c a% e en $nct$o$s n her nterpersona%re%at onsh ps an& a o &s the ass stance of others at a%% costs( Can on%+

nteract / th others /hen she can !e seen to !e ' n' s$pport e an&e pen& n' an $n$s$a% effort to ass st(

5o e narcissists ,eha*e the sa e /a& ,ut onl& as a eans to o,tainNarcissistic 5u%%l&


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at a%% costs f there s an+ chance of act$a%%+ / nn n' the co pet t onor !e n' s n'%e& o$t(

Criterion N*NE

, sp%a+s e tre e sh+ness %ac" of an+ rea% re%at ona% connect ons s p$!% c%+ se%f effac n' n the e tre e s nterna%%+ h 'h%+ ora% st c an&cr t ca% of others s a perfect on st an& en'a'es n %en'th+ r t$a% st c!eha o$rs /h ch can ne er !e perfect%+ perfor e& o!sess eco p$%s e tho$'h not necessar %+ to the f$%% e tent e h ! te& n

!sess e Co p$%s e *ersona% t+ , sor&er ( )ot ons of !e n'n& &$a% st c are anathe a(

#*e Rea(tive Patterns o> t*e Inverted Nar(issistThe in*erted narcissist does not suffer fro a I ilderI for ofnarcissis . 'i+e the IclassicI narcissists- it has degrees and shades. utit is uch ore rare and the D5M!48!T) *ariet& is the ore %re*alent.

The in*erted narcissist is lia,le to react /ith rage /hene*erthreatened- orS

S6hen en*ious of other %eo%le9s achie*e ents- their a,ilit& to feel

/holeness- ha%%iness- re/ards and successes- /hen her sense of self!/orthlessness is di inished ,& a ,eha*iour- a co ent- an e*ent-/hen her lac+ of self!/orth and *oided self!estee is threatened.Thus- this t&%e of narcissist ight sur%risingl& react *iolentl& or/rathfull& to ?OOD things: a +ind re ar+- a ission acco %lished- are/ard- a co %li ent- a %ro%osition- or a se@ual ad*ance.

S6hen thin+ing a,out the %ast- /hen e otions and e ories aree*o+ed


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S6hen she realises to /hat e@tent her inner de ons %ossess her-constrain her life- tor ent her- defor her and the ho%elessness of itall.

6hen the in*erted narcissist rages- she ,eco es *er,all& and

e otionall& a,usi*e. 5he uncannil& s%ots and attac+s the*ulnera,ilities of her target- and ercilessl& dri*es ho e the%oisoned dagger of des%air and self!loathing until it infects herad*ersar&.

The cal after such a stor is e*en eerier- a thundering silence.The in*erted narcissist regrets her ,eha*iour and ad its her feelings/hile a%ologising %rofusel&.

The in*erted narcissist nurtures her negati*e e otions as &etanother /ea%on of self!destruction and self!defeat . 4t is fro thisre%ressed self!conte %t and sadistic self!(udge ent that thenarcissistic rage s%rings forth.

One i %ortant difference ,et/een in*erted narcissists and non!narcissists is that the for er are less li+el& to react /ith PT5D t*e Inverted Nar(issist

The 4N is- usuall&- e@ceedingl& and %ainfull& sh& as a child. Des%ite thissocial %ho,ia- his grandiosit&


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his IgrandioseI %ursuits


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The o er a%$at on co ! ne& / th !e n' a!;ect%+ 'nore& or ra'e& at!+ h /hen I steppe& o$t of % ne e en the t n est ! t /as eno$'h to/arp + persona% t+(

The 4N is %re*ented fro de*elo%ing full!,lo/n secondar&

narcissis . The 4N is so hea*il& %reoccu%ied in his or her %re!school &ears /ith satisf&ing the narcissistic %arent- that the traits ofgrandiosit& and self!lo*e- e*en the need for Narcissistic 5u%%l&-re ain dor ant or re%ressed.

The 4N si %l& I+no/sI that onl& the narcissistic %arent can %ro*idethe requisite a ount of Narcissistic 5u%%l&. The narcissistic %arent isso controlling that an& atte %t to garner %raise or adulation fro

an& other source


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J e endlessl& %atient and go /a& out of &our /a& to ,eacco odating- thus +ee%ing the Narcissistic 5u%%l& flo/ingli,erall&- and +ee%ing the %eace


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of the handica% are and ho/ the t/o of &ou can /or+ /ith thesefactors- rather than tr&ing to change the .

J 2inall&- and ost i %ortant of all for the in*erted narcissist: getto +no/ &ourself. 6hat are &ou getting fro the relationshi%> Are

&ou actuall& a asochist> 6h& is this relationshi% attracti*e andinteresting>Define for &ourself /hat good and ,eneficial things &ou ,elie*e

&ou are recei*ing in this relationshi%. Define the things that &oufind har ful to &ou. De*elo% strategies to ini ise the har to

&ourself.Don9t e@%ect that &ou /ill cogniti*el& ,e a,le to reason /ith the

narcissist to change /ho the& are. Gou a& ha*e so e li itedsuccess in getting &our narcissist to tone do/n on the reall&har ful ,eha*iours that affect &ou- /hich e anate fro theunchangea,le essence of the narcissist. This can onl& ,eacco %lished in a *er& trusting- fran+ and o%en relationshi%.

The in*erted narcissist can ha*e a reasona,l& good- long lastingrelationshi% /ith the narcissist. Gou ust ,e %re%ared to gi*e &ournarcissist a lot of s%ace and lee/a&.

Gou don9t reall& e@ist for the as a full& realised %erson 0 no onedoes. The& are not full& realised %eo%le so the& cannot %ossi,l& ha*ethe s+ills- no atter ho/ s art or se@&- to ,e a co %lete %erson inthe sense that ost adults are co %lete.

So=ati( vers's !ere,ral Inverted Nar(issists

The in*erted narcissist is reall& an erst/hile narcissist internalised ,&

the 4N. 4ne*ita,l&- /e are li+el& to find a ong the in*erted the sa e%ro%ensities- %redilections- %references and inclinations that /e doa ong %ro%er narcissists.

The cere,ral 4N is an 4N /hose source of *icarious Pri ar&Narcissistic 5u%%l& lies 0 through the ediu and ediation of anarcissist 0 in the e@ercise of his intellectual faculties. A so atic 4N/ould tend to a+e use of his ,od&- se@- sha%e or health in tr&ing tosecure N5 for IherI narcissist.


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The in*erted narcissist feeds on the %ri ar& narcissist and this is hisNarcissistic 5u%%l&. 5o these t/o t&%ologies can essentiall& ,eco e aself!su%%orting- s& ,iotic s&ste .

4n realit& though- ,oth the narcissist and the in*erted narcissist

need to ,e quite /ell a/are of the d&na ics of this relationshi% inorder to a+e it /or+ as a successful long!ter arrange ent. 4t

ight /ell ,e that this s& ,iosis /ould onl& /or+ ,et/een a cere,ralnarcissist and a cere,ral in*ert. The so atic narcissist9s incessantse@ual dalliances /ould ,e far too threatening to the equani it& ofthe cere,ral in*ert for there to ,e uch chance of this succeeding-e*en for a short ti e.

4t /ould see that onl& o%%osing t&%es of narcissist can get along/hen t/o classic narcissists are in*ol*ed in a cou%le. 4t follo/s-s&llogisticall&- that onl& identical t&%es of narcissist and in*ertednarcissist can sur*i*e in a cou%le. 4n other /ords: the ,est- ostenduring cou%les of narcissist and his in*erted narcissist ate /ouldin*ol*e a so atic narcissist and a so atic 4N 0 or a cere,ral narcissistand a cere,ral 4N.

!o ing &it* Nar(issists and Non-Nar(issistsThe in*erted narcissist is a %erson /ho gre/ u% enthralled ,& thenarcissistic %arent. This %arent engulfed and su,su ed the child9s,eing to such an e@tent that the child9s %ersonalit& /as irre*oca,l&sha%ed ,& this i ersion- da aged ,e&ond ho%e of re%air. The child/as not e*en a,le to de*elo% defence echanis s such as narcissis .

The end result is an in*erted narcissistic %ersonalit&. The traits of

this %ersonalit& are %ri aril& e*ident in the conte@t of ro anticrelationshi%s. The child /as conditioned ,& the narcissistic %arent toonl& ,e entitled to feel /hole- useful- ha%%&- and %roducti*e /henthe child aug ented or irrored to the %arent the %arent9s 2alse 5elf.As a result the child is sha%ed ,& this engulf ent and cannot feelco %lete in an& significant adult relationshi% unless the& are /ith anarcissist.

#*e Inverted Nar(issist inRelations*i &it* t*e Nar(issist


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The in*erted narcissist is dra/n to significant relationshi%s /ith othernarcissists in her adulthood. These relationshi%s are usuall& s%ousal%ri ar& relationshi%s ,ut can also ,e friendshi%s /ith narcissistsoutside of the %ri ar& lo*e relationshi%.

4n a %ri ar& relationshi%- the in*erted narcissist atte %ts to re!create the %arent!child relationshi%. The 4N thri*es on irroring tothe narcissist his o/n grandiosit& and in so doing the 4N o,tains hero/n Narcissistic 5u%%l&


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The 4N is an e@%ert at doling out Narcissistic 5u%%l& and e*en goesas far as %rocuring Pri ar& Narcissistic 5u%%l& for their narcissist


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narcissist- the 4N a& ,eco e a /or+aholic or *er& in*ol*ed inoutside acti*ities that e@clude the non!narcissist s%ouse.

4t a%%ears that the in*erted narcissist in a relationshi% /ith a non!narcissist is ,eha*iourall& indistinguisha,le fro a true narcissist. The

onl& i %ortant e@ce%tion is that the 4N does not rage at his non!narcissist %artner 0 she instead /ithdra/s fro the relationshi% e*enfurther. This %assi*e!aggressi*e reaction has ,een noted- though- /ithnarcissists as /ell.

IN?$R#$. N. "#+$R # PI! L C P R#I L DN"SE N R!ISSIS#S

Inverted Nar(issists #alk a,o't #*e=selves

Com&etition and $Pathological' En"y I ha e a &+na c that co es $p / th e er+ s n'%e person I 'et c%ose

to /here I fee% e tre e%+ co pet t e to/ar& an& en o$s of the other person( =$t I &on t ACT co pet t e !eca$se at the er+ o$tset I see

+se%f as the %oser n the co pet t on( I /o$%& ne er &rea of tr+ n' to!eat the other person !eca$se I "no/ &eep n + heart that the+/o$%& / n an& I /o$%& !e $tter%+ h$ % ate&( There are fe/er th n's onearth that fee% /orse to e than %os n' a contest an& ha n' the other

person '%oat o er e espec a%%+ f the+ "no/ ho/ $ch I care& a!o$tnot %os n'( Th s s one th n' that I act$a%%+ fee% o%ent a!o$t( I '$ess Iten& to pro;ect the 'ran& os t+ part of the )*, pac"a'e onto the other

person rather than on a Fa%se D'o of + o/n( o ost of the t e I st$c" n a state of &eep resent ent an& en + to/ar& her( To e she sa%/a+s far ore nte%% 'ent % "a!%e pop$%ar ta%ente& se%f conf &ente ot ona%%+ &e e%ope& ora%%+ 'oo& an& attract e than I a ( An& I

rea%%+ hate her for that an& fee% h$ % ate& !+ t( o t s ncre& !%+ har&for e to fee% happ+ for th s person /hen she has a s$ccess !eca$seI o erco e / th h$ % at on a!o$t +se%f( Th s has r$ ne& an+ ac%ose re%at onsh p( I ten& to 'et th s /a+ a!o$t one person at a t e$s$a%%+ the person /ho s p%a+ n' the ro%e of + !etter ha%f !estfr en&s or %o ersMpartners( o t s not % "e I $na!%e to !e happ+ foran+one e er or that I en + e er+ person I eet( I &on t 'et o!sesse&

/ th ho/ r ch or !ea$t f$% o e stars are or an+th n' % "e that( It on%+'ets pro;ecte& onto th s partner person the person I &epen& n' on


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the ost n ter s of s$pp% es attent on reass$rance sec$r t+ !$ %& n'$p + se%f estee etc( @

@The rea%%+ &estr$ct e th n' that happens s I see her 'ran& osetra ts as ' n' her the po/er to ha e an+th n' an& an+one she /ants(

o I fee% a !as c nsec$r t+ !eca$se /h+ sho$%& she sta+ / th a %oser% "e e /hen she s o! o$s%+ so o$t of + %ea'$eN o rea%%+ /hat Ien o$s of s the po/er that a%% that ta%ent soc a% a! % t+ !ea$t+ etc(' es her to ha e C ICD . the cho ce to sta+ or %ea e e( >hereas Ia $tter%+ &epen&ent on her( It s th s e ot ona% ne-$a% t+ that I f n&

so h$ % at n'(I a'ree / th the n erte& narc ss st &es 'nat on . so et es I e

ca%%e& +se%f a c%oset narc ss st ( That s I e nterna% se& the a%$e s+ste of 'ran& os t+ !$t ha e not app% e& the 'ran& ose &ent t+ to

+se%f(I !e% e e I G?, =D those 'ran& ose th n's !$t at the sa e t e I

"no/ I not an& I sera!%e a!o$t t( o peop%e &on t th n" of eas ha n' an nf%ate& D'o . an& n&ee& I &on t . !$t scratch the

s$rface an& +o$ %% f n& a%% these nf%ate& e pectat ons( I ean to sa+that perhaps the parents s$ppresse& e er+ an festat on of 'ran& os t+

er+ co on n ear%+ ch %&hoo& an& of narc ss s . so that the&efence echan s that narc ss s s /as n erte& an& nterna% se&

n th s $n$s$a% for (a+!e there aren t t/o & screte states )*, s( re'$%ar %o/ se%f

estee . a+!e t s ore of a cont n$$ ( An& a+!e t s ;$st the&e'ree an& &epth of the pro!%e that & st n'$ shes one fro theother(

+ therap st &escr !es )*, as the na! % t+ to %

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Malignant Self Love Narcisism Revisited