MAKING A HEART TO HEART CONNECTION WITH YOUR KID

Session 2-Core Beliefs-Is it Time for a Paradigm Shift? Session 1 Summary Overview-Beliefs are powerful! What do you believe? Lies We Believe Reframing our beliefs Keys to Shifting Paradigms

Session 1 Summary

Golden Keys Love/Relationship Freedom

Moving from external control to self-c0ntrol Choices

Making good choices is like any other activity-It has to be learned & practiced!

Everything is a significant learning opportunity The challenge is to love kids enough to allow them

to fail and let the significant learning opportunities build our kids.

Mission Statement-What’s your bottom-line?

Beliefs Are Powerful

What is belief? 1. The mental act, condition, or habit of

placing trust or confidence in another. 2. Mental acceptance of and conviction in

the truth, actuality, or validity of something 3. Something believed or accepted as true,

especially a particular tenet or a body of tenets accepted by a group of persons.

The mental acceptance of a concept, event, person, or thing as being true.

Beliefs Are Powerful

Beliefs are formed & influenced by Genetics Environment/Family Culture Faith Life Experiences - Good & Bad

Beliefs are comprised of How & what I think about myself How & what I think about others How & what I think about the world

Beliefs Are Powerful

Pure Reality Lenses/Filters

• Past Experiences

• Culture

• Faith

• Values

• Character traits –genetic influences

Our Beliefs

In a way we are all looking at the world through colored lenses and everyone has their own personal

color for their glasses.

Beliefs Are Powerful

Belief

Perception

Thought

Emotion Words

Actions

Behavior

Habit Characteristic

Attribute

Identity

Our beliefs will form who we become…our identity.

Beliefs Are Powerful-Example

In the above example, even situations which others would find enjoyable and relaxing, this person will experience it very differently and feel threatened by others.• A look, word or gesture intended to be friendly and kind, may be interpreted as, “They don’t mean it. They’re only trying to be nice because they pity me.”• Their mind is interpreting the situation with the bias of “I’m vulnerable, others might hurt me, this is dangerous, I’m useless and unlovable.”

The Mental Crusher

The Mental Crusher’ sits outside the entrance to our belief system, and only allows information or ‘evidence’ which fits with our own belief system to enter. 

Any contradictory evidence or information (any shape other than a rectangle) is rejected, or made to fit (crushed into a rectangle). 

In the diagram, the explosion shape is about to enter the Crusher.  As it passes through (shown by the arrow), it becomes a rectangle – it’s been crushed and distorted to fit. 

Therefore, our beliefs remain unchanged in spite of apparently contradictory evidence being out there.  

What Do You Believe?

About yourself? Describe yourself. What qualities do you possess? What characteristics do you have?

Answer the following questions It is possible to control others. People want & need to feel powerful in order to survive (get their needs met.) Violence is power. Anger is power. Fear and intimidation are viable tools to use to control others. I can be controlled by others. I am responsible for controlling me. Do you believe you operate best when given freedom or when you are in a

controlled environment? How do you respond when others try to control you? What’s most important to you, relationship or obedience? How do you respond when loved ones make mistakes? How do you respond when people are angry with you? How do you respond when you are afraid?

What Do You Believe?

About your kid? Describe your kid. How do you see your kids? What qualities or characteristics do your kids possess?

Answer the following questions: Are you responsible for controlling your kids? Does your child operate best when they are given freedom or

when they are in a controlled environment? How does your child respond when others try to control them? What would your kid say is most important to you, relationship

or obedience? How does your child respond when they make a mistake? How does your child respond when others make a mistake? How does your child respond when you are angry? How do you respond when your child is angry? How do they respond when you are afraid?

Lies We Believe

Big Trucks and Little Trucks

Lies We Believe & The Impact

Violence

Anger

Fear

Others control me

Blame

I can control others

The Disrespect Factory

Lies We Believe & The Impact

Lies We Believe & The Truth

Lies We Believe The Truth

Others can control me I can control others Violence & anger are

good tools to develop a relationship

Fear is a good motivator to develop a meaningful relationship

My identity is tied to my kids performance

Only you can control you You can not control others Violence & anger might

get you obedience, but it’s not building relationship.

Love is the greatest motivator to develop a meaningful relationship

You are a unique person & so is your kid.

Reframing Our Beliefs

Honor

Love

Safe Place

Power

Choices

Self-control

The Honor Factory

Reframing Our Beliefs

As the parent you are responsible for creating the Honor Factory in your home. Review your mission statement, does it need to be refined

or changed? Develop a strategy for implementing your mission

statement. Start with the following questions How can you show honor to your kids? Where are you willing to share power? What are some choices (significant learning opportunities)

that you can let your kids start making today? How will you choose to respond when your kid fails or makes

a mistake? How could you show love to your kids each day? Do you give your kids opportunities to practice self-control?

How?

Reframing Our Beliefs

3 Messages your kids must receive from you I am loved unconditionally by you. I have the skills others my age need to be successful. I am capable of controlling me.

Look at your kids with new lenses I am what I think you think I am.

People respond best when we build on their strengths List out 5 positive strengths, qualities, character traits that

you see in each of your kids Look for ways to call out the treasure in each of

them. Praise them when they make wise choices…even the

smallest triumphs should be celebrated! Be authentic & sincere

Keys to Shifting Paradigms You are the model & they are

watching! You must control you, NO MATTER WHAT

your child is doing or has done. Your words have power Your behavior talks louder than your words

Don’t give your self-control away to someone else’s mistake. It takes real power to hold onto self-control

in the presence of disrespect, emotional outbursts & other crisis.

Keys to Shifting Paradigms

Stop and Step Back  from the situation, in your mind. 

Don’t act immediately or automatically.  Take a Breath

 Notice your breath as you breathe in and out. Observe What am I thinking and feeling?   Are the thoughts descriptions or evaluations?  Accurate or inaccurate?  Helpful or unhelpful?  Is this thought fact or opinion?  Pull Back - Put in some Perspective      

 See the situation as an outside observer. Is there another way of looking at it?  What advice would I give to someone else? What meaning am I giving this event for me to react in this way?  How important is it right now, and will it be in 6 months?  Practice what works

Play to your Principles and Values. Is it in keeping with my values and principles? Will it be effective and appropriate?  Is it in proportion to the event?  

Keys to Shifting Paradigms Communicate

Share your heart with your kids. Are there things you need to ask for

forgiveness? Ask for forgiveness

Share your parenting mission statement & strategy with them. Ask them for their thoughts.

Ask for them to partner with you in shifting from the Disrespect Factory paradigm to the new Honor paradigm

Ask for their ideas