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Solemate



Also by Lauren Mackler

Speaking of Success:World Class Experts Share Their Secrets,

featuring Jack Canfield, Stephen Covey,

Lauren Mackler, and Ken Blanchard;

edited by Insight Publishing



HAY HOUSE INC

Master the Art of Aloneness &Transfrm Yur Life

Lauren Mackler

Solemate



Copyright © 2009 by Lauren Mackler

Published and distributed in the United States by: Hay Huse, Inc.: www.hayhuse.cm • Published and distributed in Australia by: Hay Huse

Australia Pty. Ltd.: www.hayhuse.cm.au • Published and distributedin the United Kingdom by: Hay Huse UK, Ltd.: www.hayhuse.c.uk • Published and distributed in the Republic of South Africa by: Hay HuseSA (Pty), Ltd.: www.hayhuse.c.za • Distributed in Canada by: Raincast:www.raincast.cm • Published in India by: Hay Huse Publishers India:www.hayhuse.c.in

Design: Tricia Breidenthal • Index: Bnnie Hanks

All rights reserved. N part f this bk may be reprduced by anymechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a phono-

graphic recording; nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted,r therwise be cpied fr public r private use—ther than fr “fair use”as brief qutatins embdied in articles and reviews—withut prir writtenpermissin f the publisher. The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribethe use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional,r medical prblems withut the advice f a physician, either directly rindirectly. The intent f the authr is nly t ffer infrmatin f a generalnature t help yu in yur quest fr emtinal and spiritual well-being. Inthe event yu use any f the infrmatin in this bk fr yurself, which isyour constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no respon-

sibility fr yur actins.

Author’s note: All of the cases described in this book are composites orclients whose names and details have been changed to protect their rights ofconfidentiality and privacy.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Mackler, Lauren. Slemate : master the art f alneness and transfrm yur life / LaurenMackler. -- 1st ed. p. cm. Includes bibligraphical references. ISBN 978-1-4019-2143-9 (hardcver : alk. paper) 1. Maturatin(Psychlgy) 2. Depressin, Mental. I. Title.BF710.M314 2009

158.1--dc22 2008043307

ISBN: 978-1-4019-2143-9



I DEDICATE THIS BOOK TO MY HERO

AND FATHER, EDWARD D. MACKLER, M.D.



CONTENTS

Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ix

PART I: UNCOVERING YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF

Chapter 1: Beginning the Jurney. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3

Chapter 2: Embracing Yur Alneness . . . . . . . . . . 19Chapter 3: Uncvering Yur Cnditined Self . . . . 41

Chapter 4: Managing Fear SIt Desn’t Manage Yu . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75

Chapter 5: Living DeliberatelyVersus by Default . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107

PART II: LIBERATING YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF

Chapter 6: Reclaiming Yur Innate Whleness . . 143

Chapter 7: Becming the Partner Yu Seek. . . . . . 189

Chapter 8: Creating Yur Life Visin . . . . . . . . . . 221

Chapter 9: Building an Inner andOuter Support System . . . . . . . . . . . . . 241

Chapter 10: Bringing Yur Visin t Life . . . . . . . . 275

Chapter 11: Sustaining Yur Cmmitment. . . . . . . 295

Acknowledgments. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 305

Appendix: Sample Action Plans . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 307

Notes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 313

Glossary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 319

Inner and Outer Support Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 325

Ab t th A th 355



INTRODUCTION

This book is about you. Mastering the art of alone-

ness is abut having a gd relatinship with yurself.

It’s abut becming the persn yu were meant t be,

treating yurself well, and shedding the ld beliefs and

behaviors that limit your ability to live a healthy, happy,

satisfying life—with r withut a partner.

When we are brn, we are whle, integrated human

beings lled with tremendus ptential. We feel gd

about ourselves and are able to experience and expressthe full range f human emtins. As we grw up, we

adapt t the peculiarities—and even pathlgies—f

ur wn families by adpting patterns f thught and

behavir, sme f which erde ur innate whleness.

We carry these patterns int adulthd, and they shape

our lives, our feelings about ourselves, and our relation-

ships with thers. Mastering the art of aloneness is about reclaiming your

innate whleness, rather than seeking an ideal partner—

an uter sul mate—t give yu a sense f cmpleteness

and well-being. It’s a gradual, step-by-step prcess that

invlves understanding where yur self-defeating pat-

terns cme frm and hw t mve beynd them. That

means uncvering and retrieving yur authentic self—the person you really are beneath the layers of your life



SoLEMATE

I first developed the Mastering the Art of Alone-

ness wrkshp in 1998—initially as a 12-week series, t

allw peple ample time t g thrugh the prcess while

receiving nging supprt. When I discvered that a lt

of people found it difficult to take time out of their busy

schedules t cmmit t a 12-week prgram, I began hld-

ing intensive weekend wrkshps. Thse early 12-week

sessins were particularly gratifying, because nt nly

was I able t give peple the tls they needed t begint make changes in their lives, but as they each went ff

and used these tls, I culd actually witness the dra-

matic transfrmatins they were experiencing in their

wn lives frm week t week. It’s exciting t watch, and

just as exciting t experience. This bk gives yu the

same tools I use in my private coaching practice and in

my wrkshps, all f which are designed t help yutransfrm yur life.

Throughout Solemate, I share my wn persnal st-

ries as well as thse f sme f the clients with whm

I’ve wrked. I’ve cncealed the identity f my clients,

in some cases changing details of their lives to protect

their identities while staying true t their underlying

experiences. I’ve made a cnscius effrt t avid sexistlanguage, as well as the tedium f referring t all these

imaginary peple as “he r she” thrughut the text.

S I’ve randmly used the wrd “he” r the wrd “she”

when I prvide examples, trying t alternate between

them when I’m nt referring t particular clients. other

than that, please dn’t infer anything frm where r

hw I’ve used these particular prnuns. My interest in the field of personal development



Introduction

wrkshps, cmbined with a grwing interest in hlistic

healing, laid the foundation for my later education in

the eld. In the years that fllwed, I underwent train-

ing as a wrkshp facilitatr and cllabrated with my

then-husband, a German physician, on a series of holis-

tic healing wrkshps in Eurpe. Inspired in part by a

seminar I attended led by Dr. Bernie Siegel, authr f

Love, Medicine & Miracles and a pioneer in integrating

emotional and spiritual approaches into the healing of

life-threatening illnesses, I created a wrkshp fr can-

cer patients called Cancer as a Chance to Live. I studied

breath therapy in India, completed a psychotherapeutic

counseling program in Germany, and trained in mind-

body modalities such as bioenergetics, voice dialogue,

emtinal release, and cranisacral therapy. But it wasn’t

until I returned t the United States in 1995, began a newcurse f persnal-develpment wrk, and cmpleted

my American degree in psychology that the underpin-

nings f my apprach rst began t take shape.

The catalyst was my wn struggle with lneliness and

depressin in the wake f a devastating divrce. That, in

turn, led me t begin the persnal-develpment wrk

that helped me transfrm my life. I had t dig deep intmy past to understand my family of origin and the roots

f my wn dysfunctin. Thrugh that prcess, I came t

understand the crucial cnnectin between ur life cn-

ditioning, the self-defeating patterns that diminish the

quality f ur lives, and the steps we can take t change

thse limiting patterns. I’ve develped what I believe is a

unique method for helping others uncover their authen-tic selves and reclaim their innate whleness s they can



SoLEMATE

rad map t achieving that life—a rad map that I, like

mst peple, never had.

Nw, a few ntes befre yu begin. Mastering the

art f alneness is a prcess. As its name suggests, this

is nt smething that happens vernight. Yu can’t just

snap yur ngers and make it happen. Here are the three

fundamental keys, the must-haves fr mastering this art:

fcus, strategy, and cmmitment.

First, you need afocus.

Mastering the art of alone-

ness is about living in alignment with your life’s purpose and

your authentic self —what yu were meant t d and wh

yu were meant t be. That’s yur focus. Finding your

fcus is central t this entire prcess. Thrughut this

bk, I’ll be giving yu the tls yu need t dene and

clarify the life yu want and t identify and understand

what areas f yur life yu need and want t fcus n.Ultimately, yu’ll be aligning everything yu d—yur

thughts, yur behavirs, and yur actins—in a cn-

scius and deliberate manner t create that life.

Second, you need a strategy. This book is your road

map. It’s designed t enable yu t develp a specic

strategy of your own t get where yu want t g, a step-

by-step actin plan that meets yur individual needs. Itincludes a series f exercises that will help yu under-

stand wh yu are—under all thse layers f cnditin-

ing—and where yu want t g. Yu’ll be explring yur

wn family f rigin t identify the specic thught

and behavior patterns that are holding you back from

achieving your full potential and the specific steps you

need t take t change thse deeply ingrained patterns.In additin, I’ll prvide yu with guidance n develp-



Introduction

ver yur wn life and imprving yur relatinship with

yurself—and with thers.

Finally, this process requires a commitment. It involves

creating an ideal relatinship with yurself. T be fully

committed to this process, you have to feel deserving

f it and yu have t lve yurself. After all, yu’re nt

going to feel compelled to invest your time and energy

in smebdy yu dn’t like very much. That’s a central

theme f this bk: prviding the guidance yu needto build a healthy, constructive, and loving relationship

with yurself.

As yu take the rst steps tward mastering alne-

ness, recgnize that yu’ll slip up. Imagine hw a typical

smker quits smking. He thrws away that rst pack

f cigarettes. Then he might weaken and buy anther

pack, then just smke a few cigarettes, then give it upfr anther few days r weeks, then start up again. And

then, ne day, he’s just dne with it. He’s tried t quit,

and nally he just stps. That back-and-frth is part f

the prcess. Like quitting smking, mastering alneness

is about changing your habitual patterns of behavior. As

yu begin the prcess, it’s imprtant t be supprtive

and gentle with yurself. When yu slip up, think f itas simply getting mre infrmatin abut what desn’t

wrk fr yu.

Making a commitment to mastering the art of alone-

ness means accepting the fact that yu will slip up; treat-

ing yurself with lve and cmpassin when yu d, and

then mving frward. That’s the cmmitment I hpe yu

will make t yurself befre yu turn the next page.



UNCOVERING YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF

P A R T I



BEGINNING THE JOURNEY

C H A P T E R 1

Fllwing the end f my marriage in 1993, I began a

prfund jurney that—cmbined with my prfessinal

training, my experience as a therapist and coach, and

my extensive persnal-develpment wrk—led me t a

new apprach t recvering the authentic self and mas-

tering alneness. T help yu understand the prcess

and the experiences that inspired it, I’ll begin with mywn jurney and the things I discvered alng the way.

My marriage began as a storybook romance, and in

the wake f that rmance, I started a new life with my

husband that lasted fr 13 years. We shared an adventur-

us spirit, a passin fr learning, and, ultimately, tw

beautiful children. A German physician with a penchant

fr travel, he was vacatining in Califrnia in the springf 1980 when we met. At the time, I was singing in a



SoLEMATE

fr a new recrd cntract. Lking back frm where I

am tday, I see that I was an emtinal wreck. Trying t

make it in Hllywd as a singer and actress and nd-

ing it hard t pay the bills, I was irting with depres-

sion and carrying around a lot of unresolved baggage

and pain frm my yuth. I was drinking t much and

jumping frm relatinship t relatinship. I was restless

and unsettled. Then alng came this stunningly hand-

sme man—smart, sphisticated, and a gd ten yearslder than me—my Prince Charming. I was attracted t

the fact that he was a physician like my father, but with

a twist that made him particularly intriguing—he was a

true adventurer with an exciting lifestyle; he wuld wrk

fr a while and then travel fr mnths at a time.

By the end of that summer, I had dropped every-

thing t return t Germany with him. Inseparable andecstatically happy, we became engaged at a little pub in

Hamburg the evening f my 22nd birthday. We’d knwn

each ther nly six mnths. I see nw that I was a “dam-

sel in distress” and he was my rescuer. I was seduced by

the travel, by his attention, by the idea of being taken

care f.

Nt lng after the night f ur engagement, mynew ancé and I left Germany t set up huse tgether

in Califrnia. He secured a fellwship at a clinic in Ls

Angeles, while I enrlled in The Lee Strasberg Theatre

& Film Institute as a full-time student. We married n

June 27, 1981, nly ne year after becming a cuple.

From the secure vantage point of my marriage, I began

explring the eld f persnal develpment. I’d alwaysbeen a natural “seeker,” searching fr the deeper mean-



Beginning the Journey

During ur early mnths in Califrnia, I became drawn

t Buddhism and enamred with the idea f replacing

the anger and rebellin inside me with lve and cmpas-

sin. I went n a health-fd kick and stpped drinking

alchl and caffeine. I swre ff rened sugar and white

ur. Fr the rst time in my life, my md stabilized

and I felt emtinally balanced. When I attended my rst

persnal-develpment wrkshp, it pened a new dr

fr me. This makes sense, I said t myself. This is what Iwant to do with my life. A few days after attending that rst

wrkshp, I decided t quit shw business. Disillusined

with the superciality f Hllywd and lnging t be

near my family, I convinced my husband to move back

with me t my hmetwn n the East Cast. I knew I

wanted t pursue the persnal-develpment path, but, in

truth, it wuld be years befre I realized that I wuld havet x what was ging n inside f me befre I wuld be

able t be truly prductive in any eld.

My husband was a brilliant physician, a pineer in

his eld, and after the mve, his career really tk ff.

But I was undering. I was certain that I wanted a career

f my wn, but I’d never attended cllege and had n

qualicatins t speak f. Lacking experience utside theperfrming arts, I was lucky t nd a jb appearing n

a weekly segment f a TV shw called PM Magazine. Yet,

within a few mnths, I decided I wanted a baby. At the

age f 26, I gt pregnant and quit my jb. Happier than

I’d ever been in my life, I immersed myself in having

the healthiest pregnancy possible and planned to be the

best mther I culd be. My daughter was brn in 1983,fllwed tw years later by my sn. I threw myself int



SoLEMATE

that ur wn parents had been unable t give t us. We

shifted our focus off each other and entirely onto our

children—t the detriment f ur marriage.

Looking back on the gradual demise of our relation-

ship, there were plenty f red ags. our way f handling

them was, fr the mst part, t simply ignre them. I

remember being panic-stricken ne day when my husband

expressed the fact that he was unhappy in ur marriage.

Instead f respnding t his feelings and dealing withthe increasing distance between us, I remember denying

that anything was wrng between us and pinting ut

that all cuples with little children face these same issues.

Acknwledging that we had real prblems as a cuple ter-

ried me—prbably because, fr years, I’d seen my wn

parents sweep their prblems under the rug.

Instead f dealing with ur erding marriage, Iimmersed myself deeper in living the American dream.

We purchased ur rst hme and then mved n t

anther, bigger ne. I became a full-time mther and

hmemaker. As a yung wman, I’d been fearless and

independent. I had grand dreams f becming a famus

singer and actress. But, instead, I ended up ding exactly

what my wn mther had dne. She, t, had given upher career t marry and raise a family. I see nw that I

was uncnsciusly fllwing in her ftsteps. And, as

much as I lved my children, I was starved fr adult cn-

nectin. I felt extremely lnely in my big huse in the

suburbs. It was as if Betty Friedan had never existed r

the ’60s and ’70s had passed me by.

Unfrtunately, I had built my life n a very shakyfundatin. As I entered my 30s, my ld restless spirit




the city where my husband had grwn up. Then we

mved t a small village, 20 miles frm the nearest city.

Fr my husband, the mve represented a new jb ppr-

tunity, but fr me, it was an islating experience. By

then, bth my children were in schl. Unable t speak

the native language, I was nw living in a twn where

n ne spke English. Alne fr large blcks f time with

nthing n which t fcus my interests, I grew increas-

ingly restless and depressed. over the next several years,we wuld mve again and again as my husband’s career

cntinued t urish. All the while, ur marriage wuld

cntinue t unravel.

Early n in ur marriage, I’d cllabrated with my

husband n a series f hlistic healing wrkshps. With

my children in school, I felt compelled to start pursu-

ing my career again. In 1990, I traveled t Ls Angelest cmplete my training as a wrkshp facilitatr, fl-

lwed by a series f varius wrkshps and seminars.

It was an invigrating experience. I felt infused with a

renewed sense f purpse and creativity. Back in Ger-

many, I began facilitating wrkshps fr cancer patients

with my husband. The wrk we were ding was grund-

breaking, and we began t receive natinal media atten-tin. My husband recgnized my ability t facilitate

deep, transfrmatinal wrk with the peple attending

ur wrkshps and asked me t start cunseling sme

f the patients in his medical practice. Eager t fllw

this path, I pursued my studies in Eurpe, India, and the

United States. I was n a steep learning curve, mving

in exciting new directins, but my marriage was fallingapart. As the distance between us cntinued t grw, my



SoLEMATE

separate lives but continue to share the house and to

raise ur children tgether. Ultimately, instead f bring-

ing us clser r mtivating us t wrk n the prblems

in our marriage, the arrangement only served to pull us

further apart.

There had been signs all along that our marriage

was unraveling, but neither my husband nr I had the

awareness, capabilities, r resurces t halt its cllapse. It

was nly years later, thrugh my persnal-develpmentwrk, that I recgnized the underlying prblem: we had

cme tgether fr all the wrng reasns. We had been

drawn t each ther because f vids within urselves.

T me, my husband was a smart, successful physician

(like my father) wh made me feel safe and prtected. He

represented safety and security. At the time, f curse, I

didn’t knw this; I was madly in lve and blivius tmy underlying mtivatins. Meanwhile, t him, I ps-

sessed a passin and spntaneity he had never knwn.

In his eyes, I was extic and exciting. In shrt, we were

attracted t ur wn prjectins f each ther—nt t

each ther’s true selves.

When ur marriage nally ended, I was in tremen-

dous pain, feeling a deep sense of loss, loneliness, andfear. Nt lng after the children and I mved ut, my hus-

band’s girlfriend mved int what had been ur hme,

exacerbating an already difcult situatin. As we mved

frward with plans t divrce, the situatin spiraled ut

of control, becoming a nasty and grueling parting that

spanned fur years. Fr tw f thse years, I struggled t

make ends meet in Germany as my relatinship with myestranged husband wrsened and his nancial supprt




t struggling t make the rent in a furth-r walkup

permeated by the noxious odor from a chemical storage

facility next dr. Prfessinally, I went frm facilitat-

ing wrkshps and cunseling patients in my husband’s

medical practice t waiting tables at a lcal pub.

Living alne with virtually n supprt system in

Germany, I was terried f what ur future wuld hld.

Feeling alne, lled with despair, and, nally, reduced t

using our security deposit to pay the rent, I sold every-

thing the children and I had, bought three plane tickets

t the United States, and returned hme.

Hitting Bottom

The day the children and I arrived in the UnitedStates frm Germany was prbably the wrst day f my

life. It was July 14, 1995. We ew int Bstn during

the early stages f the Big Dig, a massive highway and

tunnel recnstructin prject. The city lked like a war

zne. It seemed as if everything arund us was trn up,

a cruel metaphr fr ur wn situatin. It was steamy

ht—hvering smewhere abve 100 degrees—andthere was n air cnditining in the van my parents had

hired t pick us up frm the airprt. But I didn’t just feel

hot and uncomfortable; I felt defeated and guilt-ridden

and scared. I was 37 years ld. I’d been married at the

age f 23, when I hardly knew wh I was. My husband

had been my surce f safety and security, and nw my

safety net was gne. Here I was with a 9-year-ld by andan 11-year-ld girl t raise n my wn, and n way t



SoLEMATE

wasn’t wrkable fr very lng. Their cndminium was

way t small fr the ve f us. The TV was blaring cn-

stantly. My parents bth smked and my mther, wh

had a history of poor health and undiagnosed depres-

sin, cntinued t decline. Wracked with guilt ver the

tremendus pain and lss my children were experienc-

ing, feeling like a complete failure, and unable to see a

glimmer f hpe fr the future, I was sinking deeper and

deeper int depressin myself. I can still remember the feelings of despair I experi-

enced n the Friday befre Labr Day in 1995, a mment

when it felt like the rest f America was heading ff t the

beaches with their intact families fr the lng weekend.

I went int my parents’ den and tld them that I needed

help—nw. “If I dn’t get t a dctr r a hspital, r

get sme medicatin,” I annunced, “I’m ging t havea mental breakdwn.” I had reached the breaking pint,

and, althugh I didn’t realize it at the time, that mment

wuld prve t be a majr turning pint in my life.

Rebuilding My Self, Rebuilding My Life

Tday I’m an independent, self-sufcient wman. I

wn my wn hme and have a successful business cach-

ing individuals, cnsulting t crpratins, writing, and

teaching. My children are grwn up and realizing their

wn dreams. My sn just graduated frm cllege and

has been accepted t Harvard Law Schl. My daughter,

wh is abut t receive her M.B.A. in sustainable devel-opment, plans to help companies become more socially




wman wh struggled with depressin, the restless sul

wh culdn’t quite manage her life, r the defeated

37-year-ld wh ew int Bstn frm Germany that

day in 1995. It tk me mre than ten years t get where

I am tday. Lking back, I recgnize the wisdm f

the famus line frm Nietzsche: What desn’t kill yu

makes yu strnger. Everything I’ve been thrugh makes

me the persn that I am tday. All my experiences give

me the depth of compassion and understanding that I

bring t my wrk, and they have taught me the lessns

I’m passing n in this bk.

That Labr Day weekend in 1995, I fund a dctr

wh prescribed an antidepressant as a shrt-term slu-

tion to manage my depression and keep me from com-

plete mental and emtinal cllapse. That, in turn, led

me t a wnderful wman named Terry Kellerman, whbecame my therapist and coach, and served as a loving

guide through an eight-year journey that changed my

life and infrms my wrk tday.

Once I began to emerge from the throes of depres-

sin, my pririties began t crystallize. I had t nd a

way t supprt myself and take care f my kids. I decided

I had t cmplete my American bachelr’s degree andthen g n and get a master’s degree. At that pint, my

parents really stepped up to the plate, offering to pay for

my return t cllege and help with the bills while I was

in schl. I had n idea hw t manage mney, s that,

t, became a pririty.

My children were struggling with all the changes

occurring in their lives and they needed me more thanever. It’s always traumatic fr a child when the family is



SoLEMATE

r cmmunity. They see bth parents and have a sense

f cntinuity. Fr my children, life as they knew it was

cmpletely destryed. When we left Germany, they gave

up their school, their neighborhood, and their friends

t mve t the United States—what was, fr them, a

freign cuntry. Their ecnmic circumstances and life-

style changed dramatically. Their father was n lnger

a presence in their lives, and that was an enrmus lss

fr them. Fr me, it meant the respnsibility fr theirwell-being fell cmpletely n my shulders—and I knew

I’d have t rise t the challenge.

As my mental and emotional health began to

imprve, and I began my persnal-develpment wrk

with Terry, my attitude began t change. I saw that I

had been presented with a rare pprtunity. I was living

in a sleepy little twn. I didn’t knw anyne, and therewas really nthing much t d. Instead f being restless

and bored and lonely, instead of digging myself into an

emotional hole, I began to see things from a different

perspective. I tk lng, meditative walks by myself in

the mrnings when my kids were in schl. Withut the

distractions of a relationship or an active social life, I

culd fcus n xing what was ailing me and helping mychildren cpe with their new life. I culd cncentrate n

taking gd care f them and gd care f myself—by

eating right, getting enough exercise, and focusing on

my mental and emtinal health. I culd begin t live

mre deliberately.

I als began t see my divrce—and my relatinship

with my ex-husband—in a different light. Instead f feelinglike a victim, I began to see myself as an active participant




t my children—and I stpped blaming thers. I tk an

imprtant rst step when I started taking respnsibility.

In my persnal-develpment wrk, I asked myself: What

role did I play in the breakdown of my marriage? Only as the

answer became clear was I able t begin t replace my feel-

ings f anger and bitterness with cmpassin and frgive-

ness fr myself and fr my ex-husband.

These are all elements of the process of mastering the

art f alneness that I will share with yu in this bk.But the crnerstne f my experience is this: I began t

understand and address the roots of my lifelong restless-

ness and unhappiness—the patterns I had develped

lng ag that riginated in my childhd and family.

Wrking with Terry, I began t lk deeper int

my family f rigin—and the relatinship between my

experiences grwing up and my self-defeating patternsf behavir. I began t differentiate between my cndi-

tined self and wh I really am. only then did I begin t

recver my whleness. I learned that I am an incredibly

strong and independent person, and yet I had built this

illusin that I was incapable f taking care f myself—

that I was helpless and that I needed a man t rescue

and take care f me. And at its rt, that’s a belief I hadadpted lng ag in my family f rigin.

Where I Come From

I grew up the yungest f fur children in the ld

whaling city f New Bedfrd, Massachusetts. My earliestmemories include feelings of extreme loneliness, a feel-



SoLEMATE

and eight. I was unplanned, and she was verwhelmed

and depressed fllwing my birth. A cusin was brught

int the huse t take care f me during the rst few

years f my life, fllwed by a series f ther caretakers.

I had raging clic as an infant. When I started nursery

schl at the age f three, my parents hired a driver—a

man in his 50s—t drive me back and frth t schl,

which was abut a mile frm ur huse. I can remember

feeling frightened and alone in the back seat of his car,

coming home and being set in front of the television to

eat my lunch alne, then being sent upstairs fr a nap.

My strngest memries frm early childhd were

f my mther—r, rather, f her absence. In the mrn-

ing, she had difculty getting up and wuld lie in bed

with a faceclth ver her head and her sunglasses n.

She’d say she had a migraine and needed t rest. She’dnally get up arund fur ’clck in the afternn and

start cking dinner and drinking Canadian Club whis-

key. Althugh it’s never been acknwledged within my

family, she was clearly an alchlic.

If I were t describe my family’s utward appearance,

yu’d get a very different picture. My mther was a beau-

tiful, articulate, and highly intelligent wman wh hada successful career prir t her marriage. T the utside

wrld, she appeared t be a sphisticated and afuent

dctr’s wife wh had it all—a successful husband, fur

healthy children, and an immaculate, beautiful hme.

My father was a dctr, an active and belved leader in

the cmmunity. He was a charming, successful man and

a mdel citizen. He’d wrked his way thrugh medicalschool and then married my mother, a southern belle




married fr 56 years when my mther died in 2004. Fr the

rst few years f their marriage, my father’s mther lived

with them. Eventually they bught a new hme with my

father’s fce attached t ur huse—all f which calls t

mind the picture f an active, engaged family.

But, in fact, like many families, we were the picture

f dysfunctin. Fr ne thing, my grandmther, wh

despised my mther fr marrying her nly sn, was

hardly the mdel f a lving, nurturing grandparent.I remember her sitting n ur living-rm sfa with a

bottle of Scotch in her lap, getting drunk and berating

my mther, wh was always trying t win her apprval.

I barely remember my father as a presence. He was s

invlved with his wrk and civic activities that he was

largely absent. As I gt lder, I recall cming hme frm

schl t nd my mther lying dwn in bed watchingsap peras. If I wanted t spend time with her, I had t

sit in frnt f the televisin and be silent. She ften had

crying ts. She’d lck herself in her rm while I std

outside the door trying to get in, confused and scared,

wanting t be able t cnsle her, t x it, but I never

culd. Her depressin went untreated, just as her alc-

hlism went unacknwledged. We were a family f discnnected peple. In the

evenings, during dinner, we’d sit dwn in frnt f the

televisin while we ate. We didn’t talk t ne anther.

I think, grwing up, my brthers—especially the lder

tw—had each ther. The yungest f the three was very

intrverted and kept t himself in his rm. But I was

extrverted, with a sensitive, artistic, and inquisitivepersnality. I had n ne in the family with whm t



SoLEMATE

In my early adlescence, all hell brke lse. I started

t act ut. I became angry, depressed, resentful, and

mdy. When I was 11, I had my rst alchlic drink at

a friend’s huse. At 12, I was smking and experiment-

ing with drugs—uppers and dwners I fund in the fam-

ily medicine cabinet, samples frm my father’s medical

practice. At 13, I was hanging ut with a rugh crwd in

the public parks f New Bedfrd, with kids three r fur

years lder wh were shting herin. And, at the age f14, I ran away frm hme—and never really went back

until I was an adult.

In retrspect, it was a strng survival instinct that

drve me t leave. And, while running away led t a

series of self-destructive and even dangerous situations, I

believe it helped me hold onto an important piece of my

authentic self. Thrughut my yung adult life, I keptrepeating self-defeating patterns, which I cntinued

thrughut my marriage. If I hadn’t met Terry Keller-

man and begun the persnal-develpment wrk that

took me to the root of my problems, more likely than

nt I wuld be repeating thse patterns tday.

Connecting the Dots

In ne way r anther, just abut every family is dys-

functinal. As writer Sue Graftn nce said: “Peple talk

abut ‘dysfunctinal’ families; I’ve never seen any ther

kind.” Everyne emerges frm their family f rigin with

a distinctive set f issues. Within sme families, childrengrw up experiencing extreme dysfunctins such as




and behavir—maybe tabs that impede their ability

to express their feelings, constant criticism that erodes

their self-esteem, or rigid rules that inhibit self-expres-

sin. We are all prducts f ur families’ unique patterns

and dysfunctins. We all take the cre beliefs and behav-

irs learned in childhd with us int adulthd. Sme

of these beliefs and behaviors are like viruses, infecting

ur lives, ur relatinships, and ur sense f well-being.

And, until we becme aware f what they are and hwt mve beynd them, nne f us is truly whle.

If yu dn’t feel like a whle and cmplete persn n

yur wn—smene capable f expressing the full range

f human emtins and achieving yur full ptential—

yu’re always ging t be seeking smene else t cm-

plete yu. Take the example f a man wh grws up in a

family where he’s never allwed t express jy r enthu-siasm r excitement; he’ll be lking fr smene else t

bring thse expressins int his life. or a wman wh

never feels safe r secure n her wn—she’ll spend her

life seeking safety and security frm thers. That’s the

kind f dynamic I saw in my wn marriage. It created

a relatinship that was built, nt n ur strengths and

wh we really were, but n ur individual pathlgies. In my caching practice, I’m amazed by the number

f peple wh cme t me with little understanding f

the human cnditining prcess and hw it hlds them

back in their lives. Many peple invest cuntless hurs,

dollars, and resources in self-help approaches focused

n changing their behavir—but they still struggle with

the same issues ver and ver. I strngly believe that it’sbecause they’ve failed t address these family-f-rigin



SoLEMATE

intellectual understanding of their families and patterns

f dysfunctin, but they dn’t knw hw t mve past

them. They lack the strategies t change their habitual

patterns. The challenge is t cnnect the dts. With Sole-

mate, that’s what I’m endeavring t d: help yu cn-

nect the dts. That means fcusing in n the cre beliefs

and behavioral patterns you adopted in your family of

origin and develping wrkable strategies that will help

yu change them. once yu begin t understand the pat-

terns that are creating negative results in your relation-

ships and in your life, you begin treating yourself very

differently. Yur attitudes and utlk begin t change.

Yu begin t live mre cnsciusly and deliberately. And

yu can accmplish things yu never dreamed pssible.

The transfrmatin can be dramatic. That’s the jurney

n which yu’re abut t embark. T begin, yu’re ging t need a jurnal. That’s ne

of the first things I tell my clients to do at the start of

every caching prgram, and it’s the rst step t master-

ing the art f alneness: G ut and buy yurself a jur-

nal. Buy a beautiful card t g with it and write a lv-

ing message n the card. It’s a way f thanking yurself

for investing time, money, and energy in yourself. Haveyur jurnal gift-wrapped and bring it hme; then cn-

sciusly allw yurself t receive it and enjy the gift.

This journal represents your commitment to mastering

the art f alneness, and it will becme indispensable n

yur jurney. It’s where yu’ll watch yur self unfld.

It’s where yu’ll keep yur ntes and the results f the

exercises yu’ll nd in this bk. It will becme yurreference fr achieving an understanding f wh yu are



ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lauren Mackler, an innovator in activating humanptential, is a renwned cach, keynte speaker, teacher,

and ppular radi and TV talk-shw guest. over the past

25 years, she has been a psychtherapist, wrkshp

facilitator, corporate consultant, and a leading authority

in the areas of personal transformation, relationships,

and prfessinal perfrmance. She is a fellw authr f

Speaking of Success with Jack Caneld, Stephen Cvey,and Ken Blanchard and founder of the coaching and

cnsulting rm Lauren Mackler & Assciates.

Visit her Website at www.laurenmackler.com.



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(available as a 1-DVD prgram and an expanded 2-DVD set)

Watch the trailer at: www.LouiseHayMovie.com

AMBITION TO MEANING:

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(available as a 1-DVD prgram and an expanded 2-DVD set)

Watch the trailer at: www.DyerMovie.com

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