T i m e l e s s T a l e s o f T e n d e r n e s s

Someone to Hold

I recently had the pleasure of spending an afternoon at an amazing Life Care facility in Summerlin called Las Ventanas, which is Spanish for the windows. No wonder

… its setting offers dramatic views of Nevada’s desert mountains, canyons and glorious sunsets. My interview with three of its resident couples, who admit to being utterly in love, deeply devoted and grateful for the gift of romance and companionship they wake up to each morning in the twilight of their years, further enhanced the visit.

My journey into this otherwise private facility, and the intimacy of these three relationships, was sparked by February, the month for hearts, and, of course, Valentine’s Day. This charming holiday provided the opportunity for me to meet and spend some time with some of the Las Ventanas staff and residents. I’m far from my retirement years, but the experience left me wanting to consider buying a stake in the facility, along with the promise (or illusion) of living out life on carefree terms, happily ever after with graduated assistance and continued care for me and my beshert (Yiddish for destiny).

As a Life Care facility, also known as a Continuing Care Retirement Community, Las Ventanas is a paradise for those who can afford it. American writer Herman Melville, best known for his novel Moby-Dick, said, “Life’s a voyage that’s homeward bound.” Residents here are homeward-bound in high style. In addition to offering several levels of assistance — independent living, assisted living and skilled nursing care — Las Ventanas differs from assisted-living communities in that it provides a Life Care contract between the resident and

the Care community. The arrangement offers a continuum of upscale housing, ranging from a beautifully appointed one-bedroom apartment to a three-bedroom villa with a two-car garage, daily housekeeping, fine dining, fitness room, social amenities, activities and health supervision. A number of aging care needs are all met on one rambling garden campus,

convenient to local shopping, movies, restaurants and the strip. It’s akin to spending one’s senior years pampered daily at the Four Seasons — ’til death do us part.

Residents typically move into Las Ventanas while still living independently, with few health risks or healthcare needs, and reside there until the end of life. As they age, and medical needs change, the level of nursing care and service increases. If greater illness or injury warrants hospitalization, residents return to their apartment after recovery, receiving appropriate treatment and care.

As I strolled the hallways that give way to the cyber café, aquatic center, beauty salon, barbershop, library, billiards room, numerous small parlors and a dining room

that looks more like a five-star gourmet restaurant, I was greeted by beautifully dressed ladies and gentlemen with easy smiles, suggesting an awareness that they have been blessed in their maturing years.

David Dahan has been chairman of the board of Las Ventanas the past three years. “A colleague invited me to visit the facility, and from that moment on I was hooked. I wanted to be part of something that perpetuates the continuity of one’s self-respect in life.”

What Dahan noticed through his experience at Las

“You have to admire each other. I think admiration is as important as love.”

— Beatrice Hirsh

By Lynn Wexler-Margolies

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Beatrice and Bernard Hirsh.

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Ventanas is that one of the first things to go when age implants its gnarly grip is a person’s self-esteem. “Following that is a loss of self-confidence, then one’s purpose and finally a lack of incentive to keep going,” Dahan offered. “Here, residents are constantly reminded, by highly trained staff, that they matter. And it all takes place in dignified surroundings, amongst compatible peers, in a well-organized, clean and safe environment”.

I was inclined to agree but eager to meet with three of the couples who live at Las Ventanas, to gain their perspective on life and love in the waning years and choosing to spend what’s left at Las Ventanas.

…I was escorted into one of those cozy parlors I mentioned

earlier. In walked Beatrice and Bernard Hirsh. They were stately and elegant. Bea, as she is known, was especially attractive. I figured them both to be in their 80s. I nearly slid off my chenille tapestry chair when Bea told me she was born in 1914 and he in 1916. She stood up and did a dance to demonstrate her vitality. While I had to speak up to accommodate their diminished hearing, both were vibrant, articulate, interested and voluble in response to my personal queries. He was particularly talkative. She deferred to his storytelling. He adores her and she him, and this after 34 years of marriage.

They’ve enjoyed independent living at Las Ventanas for six years in a two-bedroom, two-bath apartment with an office. Their families visit often and stay with them. They moved there because they felt if something happened to one of them, they wanted to have the back-up.

Bea, widowed twice, has two sons, six grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. Her mother was a concert pianist. She grew up loving music and was a piano player herself.

Bernard was married to his college sweetheart for 38 years before she died suddenly of cancer. They had four children, four grandchildren and two great-grandchildren. He got a law degree from the University of Texas but never practiced. Instead, he went into the family millinery business and remained a successful businessman until retirement. I asked how he and Beatrice met.

“My wife Joanna had planned a trip to the Orient with a group of friends before she knew she was ill. She passed away before the trip and I was just devastated. I canceled, of course. I was in no mood to be with anyone. Our travel friends convinced me to reconsider, based on the point that they would lose their group rate if I didn’t come. With a heavy heart I flew to Los Angeles airport to meet up with them. Beatrice was one of the people traveling with the group. We were introduced, though I was not the least bit interested in her or anyone. It was a three-week trip, however, to many interesting places. The group as a whole, as well as Bea and

I, enjoyed sharing these experiences,” said Bernard. “It was a marvelous trip!” Bea interjected.

“After the trip Bea returned to her home in Rancho Bernardo, California, and I went back to Dallas where I was from. We corresponded for nine months, and I guess we fell in love. I invited her to Dallas where she had a niece that she could stay with. Straight from the airport I took her to a famous barbecue dive,” Bernard continued.

“And there I was all dressed up in my mink coat,” Bea jumped in, laughing.

“In the middle of her biting into a rib I asked her to marry me,” Bernard said. “After she gulped it down she surprised me and said ‘YES!’ “

“I guess I just couldn’t resist him,” she said, giggling. Both say their life together has been filled with happiness.

“She’s my best friend!” Bernard says. “It’s as romantic the second time as it was the first.”

What’s the secret? “A good sense of humor,” Bernard says.

“We laugh constantly, with each other and at each other. And don’t be too critical, too judgmental …be understanding.”

“I make light of everything,” Bea adds. “It’s in my nature to ignore things that might be irritating to others. And you have

to admire each other. I think admiration is just as important as love. Bernard is so intelligent. I admire him to the fullest.”

“She’s a very delightful, understanding, loving and forgiving person,” he says.

“We’re very, very lucky people, and we know it,” concluded Bea.

…I was introduced next to Mary Huxtable and Bob Collins.

She is 74 and has lived at Las Ventanas for six years. He is 75 and has lived there for five. Once again, I was floored by their younger appearance.

Theirs is a very different story from the Hirshes’. Unmarried, they’ve known each other five years, and have been in a relationship for four. They met at dinner at Las Ventanas. It wasn’t love at first sight but there definitely was interest and compatibility.

Mary had been married 47 years when her husband died of cancer. They had two children, four grandchildren and a great-grandchild. They were living in Sun City and watched Las Ventanas being built. Mary and her husband had agreed it would be a good idea to move there when the time was right. When it was clear her husband’s time was almost up, Mary — just 68 — decided it would be best to downsize in favor of a two-bedroom, two-bath apartment at Las Ventanas and the compatible company of others in her later years. Her husband agreed, and she never expected to fall in love again.

Bob’s story is somewhat similar to Mary’s, except he had relatives who had lived successfully in Life Care for many

“Give more than you hope to get.”

— Mary Huxtable

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Mary Huxtable and Bob Collins.

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years. He and his wife had been married 45 years when she died of cancer. They had already decided to buy an apartment at a Life Care facility in preparation for their later years, pre-empting their childrens ‘ expensive and difficult decision. He and his wife also had moved to Las Vegas and watched Las Ventanas being built. When his wife’s stage-four cancer was diagnosed, he knew it was time to buy a one bedroom at Las Ventanas for himself. He was pretty well convinced that he was going to be single the rest of his life.

One evening while Mary was dining at Las Ventanas with her best friend, a newcomer strolled in and caught her attention. She liked the way he carried himself, his friendly demeanor, and his compassion toward others. Soon they met and began to enjoy many dinner conversations. Bob loved her upbeat personality and the way she tended to those around her. She was never grumpy and it felt good to be with her. They both love to travel. After a number of months, each scheduled a trip abroad separately. But both thought of each other frequently and fondly while traveling.

Upon their returns, they greeted one another with the big hug and realized what each felt was more than friendship. They have been committed to each other ever since. They’re enormously happy, and feel blessed by the unexpected miracle of love once again.

I asked them for their secret to a long-lasting relationship, and why so many others today fail.

“Give more than you hope to get,” Mary said quickly, “and take care to not get in each other’s soup.” She added, “Today’s generation is wrapped up in the ‘me’ of it all. So many jump into lust, not love; and if it doesn’t work out it’s OK to jump out. For me it wasn’t an option. There was no problem that could not be worked out.”

Bob had some sage advice, too: “The word for me is commitment. Take responsibility and don’t blame. View an annoyance or inconvenience with a grain of salt.”

…Last but not least, I met the Harmons …Kay and Jerry. Their

college romance has lasted 51 1/2 years so far and is still going strong. He’s 74; she’s 73. (What is it about this place? They don’t look anywhere near their ages either. Maybe it’s because both enjoy a daily workout in the fitness room at Las Ventanas?)

They’ve lived at Las Ventanas for three years in a three-bedroom, 2 ½-bath villa with a two-car garage. They have two children and five grandchildren. His Air Force career kept him away much of the time. For Jerry, coming home was like a continuous honeymoon. Ten years ago, before they were even age-eligible, they knew that this was for them. They researched facilities around the country. They almost ended up at another one, but a trip to Las Vegas for Kay’s high school reunion

introduced them to Las Ventanas. They were sold. Jerry resorted to levity when asked for the secret to their

relationship longevity.“First one that leaves has to take the kids and the dog,” he

said. “Neither of us wanted to take the kids or the dog so we stayed together.”

Kay said they “enjoy each other too much to think about not being together.”

Jerry agreed. “Kay has a great sense of humor, and she’s fun to be around. It’s a no-brainer, actually,” said Jerry.

“Jerry’s just always been in my heart,” Kay says. “We have a great deal of respect for each other. We make decisions together. Neither of us is the dominant one.”

They also trust each other. Kay was in charge of most everything at home since Jerry was away so much.

And when there were problems? “You just work it out. Face reality …no

pipe dreams …figure out what you can do to solve it …and don’t go blaming each other,” Jerry said.

“These days people don’t seem to think it’s worth the effort to work it out,” added Kay.

“We each made the other number one, even ahead of the kids,” she continued. “Nowadays, it’s the opposite … the kids come first. It’s got to be stressful on a relationship for the kids to be in charge.”

“We were in New Zealand for much of the feminist movement in the late ’60s and

early ’70s,” she says. “When we returned we were shocked at the changes. Even our best friends who had a perfect marriage … she decided she was entitled to see if the grass was greener on the other side …burn her bra, fight for her rights. It destroyed their marriage, followed by another failed marriage.”

“It’s also important to let there be spaces in your togetherness,” Jerry observes. “It’s OK to have separate interests now and then.”

Love doesn’t really know if it’s February, June or September; at Las Ventanas or in your own backyard. As John Paul Young wrote … Love is in the air… Everywhere I look around … And I don’t know if I’m being foolish … Don’t know if I’m being wise … But it’s something I must believe in … Each time I look in your eyes.

Love inevitably makes the world go ’round … and a much happier world at that. But it has to occupy more than the air. Judging from our expert couples, it must live and breathe among the time-honored values of trust, respect, patience, humor, commitment, responsibility and the generosity of a person’s spirit. If each of us could hew to those values, perhaps, it might be possible to rekindle the dwindling concept of happily ever after — wherever we choose to live out our years.

“We each made the other number one, even ahead of the kids.”

— Jerry Harmon

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Kay and Jerry Harmon.

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