Long Distance Relationships

Long Distance Relationships

Unlocking the Secrets to a Happy & Healthy Relationship When Couples

Have to Be Apart

Gregory Guldner, MD, MS

Goals

Enable therapists, counselors, educators, and other advisors to understand, assess, and support couples in long distance romantic relationships.

Expose an expert audience of professionals to the current state-of-the-art research-based understanding of long distance relationships.

Objectives

Understand LDRs:– Defining LDRs– Prevalence of LDRs– Do LDRs work?– Difficulties with LDRs– Advantages of LDRs

Objectives

Assess– Demographics– Personality– Support System– Relationship

Separation Inventory

Objectives

Support– Stages of Separation

– Staying emotionally healthy

– Staying intimate

– Sexuality while separated

Support– Communicating

– Conflict at a distance

– Sexual Affairs

– Hellos/Goodbyes

– Gender differences

– Ending the separation

Background

Clinical Psychology Research Focus

– Propinquity & Dating Relationships, Purdue University, Dept of Psychology, 1992

– Time Spent Together and Relationship Quality, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships; 12, 1995

– Long Distance Romantic Relationships, Journal of College Student Development; 37, 1996

– Long Distance Relationships and Emergency Medicine Residency, Annals of Emergency Medicine; 37, 2001

– Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide. 2003:JFMilne

Personal Experience


Understand LDRs

Assess LDRs

Support LDRs

Understanding LDRs

Understand– Defining LDRs– Prevalence of LDRs– Do LDRs work?– Difficulties with LDRs– Advantages of LDRs

Defining an LDR Specific distance cut-

off Specific location cut-

off Self-defining

– My partner lives far enough away from me that it would be very difficult or impossible for us to see one another every day.

Understanding LDRs


Prevalence of LDRs

Marital LDRs Pre-Marital

– College Student

Married and Living Apart (%)Age & Year Caucasian Minority

Age 18-24

1960 6 13

1970 6.5 14.5

1980 5 16.5

Age 25-34

1960 2.5 8

1970 2 6.5

1980 1.5 6.5

Age 35-44

1960 2 6

1970 2 5

1980 1 4

Married and Living ApartNational Longitudinal Study of the High

School Class of 1972

3.31% of 7191 married respondents were living in a different location than spouse

Of military marriages 27% of White and 63% of African-American couples were living apart.

10% of all job relocations result in long distance marriages (1998) and 52% of employers expect transfers to increase.

Pre-Marital LDRs

College Students Internet Dating Military Certain Industries

– Oil

– Fishing

– Logging

College Students– 25-40% (1993)

– 50% of First Years (1992)

– 33% (1987)

– 25% at any given time and 78% at any point (1996)

Understanding LDRs


Do LDRs Work?

Marriage or Pre-Marital? Military / combat or Civilian? What does it mean “to work”?

– Continuity (break-up rate over time)– Quality (satisfaction, intimacy, etc)

Do LDRs Break-up More Frequently than PRs?

Pre-marital studies have found no greater rate of dissolution in LDRs than PRs– Guldner. J. College Student Dev, 1996;37;289-295

– Van Horn, et al. Personal Relationships, 1997;4;25-34

– Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279

– Stephen. Journal of Divorce, 1984;8;1-17

No adequate data on marital LDRs– Rindfuss & Stephen. J. Marriage and the Family, 1990;52;259-

270.

Do LDRs Have Poorer Quality Relationships Than Do PRs?

The majority of studies show no differences between LDRs and PRs on measures of – Satisfaction– Intimacy– Trust– Commitment

Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel. 1995;12;313-320 Govaerts & Dixon. Int. J. Adv. Counseling. 1988l;11;265-281 Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279 Woelfel & Savell. Military Families. 1978;17-31 Gerstel & Gross. Commuter Marriage. 1984. Stephen. Human Com Res. 1986; 13;191-210 Delmann-Jenkins, et al. College Stud J. 1994;28;212-219 Timmerman. Doctoral Thesis. U. of Texas. 2001.

Understanding LDRs


Difficulties Associated with LDRs

The Individual– Depression

• Military Separations– Clinical Depression

• Civilian– Guldner, GT. Long Distance Romantic Relationships:

Prevalence and Separation-related Symptoms. J College Student Development, 1996; 37; 289-295.

– Clinical Depression no more likely in LDR than in PR– Minor Depressive symptoms common– Feeling blue, lack of interest, difficulty making decisions,

difficulty concentrating


The Individual– Anxiety

• Uncertainty

• Jealousy / Sexual Affairs

• Dis-inhibition (loss of support)

– Guilt• Violating norms

• Choice of career “over” relationship

– Emotional “rollercoaster”


The Relationship– Myths (Dissolution, Quality, Finances)

– Relationship momentum slowed• Progress toward marriage more slowly

• Break-up more slowly

– Idealization and Disillusionment

– Difficulties in Communication

– Sexuality at a Distance

– Re-integration

– Assessment of the Status of the Relationship

Understanding LDRs


Advantages of an LDR

Individual Productivity Novelty

– Avoids the “taken-for-granted” aspect of PRs– Plan exciting activities

Compartmentalization– Intimacy / autonomy fulfillment

Idealization


Understand LDRs

Assess LDRs

Support LDRs

Assessing an LDR

Personality Demographics Support System Relationship Characteristics

Assessing LDRs



Assessing an LDR: Demographics

Least important of the four components Frequency of face-to-face visits not

correlated Frequency of telephone calls negatively

correlated with satisfaction Frequency of letters predicts satisfaction

Assessing an LDR: Demographics

Other demographics– Total duration of the relationship– Duration of Separation– Duration as a PR prior to LDR– Distance– Age

Assessing LDRs



Assessing an LDR: Personality

Learning Style Inventory– Visualizers– Verbalizers– Touchers

Attachment Styles– Secure– Avoidant– Ambivalent / Anxious

Assessing an LDR: Personality

Self-Esteem– Low self-esteem predicts more difficulty with

separation– Low self-esteem predicts poor relationship

quality among LDRs but not PRs Independence Optimism Trust Telephone and Letter Habits

Assessing LDRs



Assessing an LDR: Support

Types of Support– Emotional

– Appraisal

– Informational

– Instrumental

Sources of Support– Partner

– Family

– Friends

– Context• Those in LDRs often isolate themselves from support

•Distraction

•Awkwardness

•Depression

•Ambiguous status

Assessing LDRs



Assessing an LDR: Relationship

Issues specific to LDRs– Communication issues– Expectations– Conflict Management

• Telephone


Understand LDRs

Assess LDRs

Support LDRs

Supporting LDRs Emotional Stages of Separation Staying Emotionally Healthy Maintaining Intimacy Frequency of Contact Hellos & Goodbyes Conflict at a Distance Long Distance Sex Sexual Affairs Dating Others Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting LDRs:Understanding Separation

Emotional Stages of Separation– Bowlby / Animal Studies / Evolutionary Psych

• Protest (Anger, Bargaining)

• Despair (Depression to various degrees)

• Detachment (Productive or Destructive)

– Kubler-Ross• Denial and Isolation

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance


Supporting LDRs: Staying Emotionally Healthy

Ten Step Program

1. Maintain a satisfying relationship

2. Socialize Emotional vs. Social Loneliness

3. Find a Confidant

4. Touching

5. Take Control

Supporting LDRs: Staying Emotionally Healthy

Ten Step Program

6. Positive Thinking / Reframing

7. View the Separation as Temporary

8. Acknowledge Contributions

9. Transitional Objects

10. Healthy Sexuality


Supporting an LDR: Keys to Maintaining Intimacy

Intimacy Components– Emotional Sharing– Interrelatedness

Emotional Sharing– LDRs may do this more easily than PRs

Interrelatedness– Central Issue for LDR Intimacy– Focus on the mundane

• Serial vs. Parallel Communication


Supporting an LDR: Contact

Face-to-face visits – Conflicting research– Opinion suggests at least once a month– Early studies had design issues

• Carpenter & Knox. College Student J.1986; 28:86-88

– Failed vs. successful; contact related for men only

• Holt & Stone. J College Student Dev. 1988; 29:136-141

– Definition of LDR

• Groves & Horm-Wingerd. Soc Social Res. 1991;75:212-216

– Outcome “happier” with relationship


Face-to-face visits Larger studies & longitudinal studies

– No correlation or impact of frequency of face-to-face visits for continuity or quality or relationship

• Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel. 1995;12;313-320• Schwebel, et al. J. College Student Dev. 1992; 33:222-230• Guldner. Purdue Univ, Dept. of Psych. 1992

Strategies based on increasing visits likely will not work – any frequency okay


Telephone Calls– No evidence to suggest positive correlation or

threshold effect– Frequency may be negatively correlated

• More calls more conflict?

• More conflict more calls?


Writing Letters.– Cross-sectional.

• Strong correlation between frequency of letters and relationship quality.

– Longitudinal.• Couples who stayed together wrote one another

almost twice as often as those who broke-up.

• Measures of relationship quality identical at time-one.


Writing Letters– Peculiarities of Letters

• Transitional objects• Tangible• Re-readable• Scent• Generally conveys mostly positive messages

– Pre-stamp and address envelopes to facilitate letter writing

– Discuss the mundane if writing is only contact


Supporting an LDR: Hellos & Goodbyes

Key Strategies for Making Reunions Even Better

1. It’s okay to schedule time by oneself

2. Schedule time with mutual friends

3. Schedule time out in public as a couple

4. Expect to be disappointed periodically

5. Don’t over schedule

6. Keep the timing of reunions predictable

Supporting an LDR: Hellos & Goodbyes

Key Strategies for Facilitating Goodbyes1. Recognize multiple ways of saying goodbye

2. Develop goodbye rituals

3. Avoid anticipatory distancing if possible

4. Expect periodic disappointing reunions

5. Call one another early to discuss process

6. Accept some excitement about leaving


Supporting LDRs:Conflict at a Distance

Issues Unique to LDRs– Problems with distance, travel, limited time

together– Problems inherent with telephones– Conflict avoidance– Separation-related anger– Attributing all difficulties to the distance


Problems with distance, travel, time– How should we use our time together?– Ground rules about other potential partners.– How often should we contact / visit one another?– Who pays for travel?– Who does the traveling?– How long will we be separated?– How soon after reunion should we have sex?– How do we split the telephone bill?– How often do we write one another?– Who does the chores when together?


Problems Inherent with Telephones– Less likely to result in conflict resolutions– Less likely to accurately guess partner’s

opinion– Less confident in opinion about partner’s

personality traits– More likely to feel misunderstood– More likely to think partner is insincere


Conflict Avoidance– LDRs report less conflict than PRs

• Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel.1995;12;313-320

• Delmann-Jenkins, et al. College Stud J. 1994;28;212-219

– Limited time together, avoid “spoiling” it– Ability to exit

• Tolerancce


Separation-Related Anger– Reflex

• Cause is difficult to determine

• Persists despite experience

“…this anger is displaced in all directions and projected onto the environment at times almost at random.” - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross


Attributional Error– “Everything would be okay but for the

distance.”– Men more likely than women

• Leads to fewer arguments

• Leads to delay in progress

• Lead to unnecessary break-up

• Lead to resistance to therapeutic attempts


Long Distance Sex

LDRs report sexual intimacy equal to PRs.• Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel.1995;12;313-320

“Honeymoon” sex / novelty Timing of sex after reunion

– Intimacy then sex– Sex then intimacy

Long Distance Sex

Telephone Sex– Learning what to say and how to say it

• Comfort with erotic vocabulary– Books of erotic fantasy

• Learning how to say it– Bonnie Gabriel, The Fine Art of Erotic Talk: How to

Entice, Excite, and Enchant Your Lover with Words

– Fantasy talk– Sexual guidance– Parallel self-pleasuring

Long Distance Sex

Self-Pleasuring– Learning to be comfortable with touching– Hands-free telephones– Privacy issues

Long Distance Sex

Erotic Letters Erotic Videos Erotic Audiotapes Erotic Pictures

Timing of visits with menstrual cycle


Sexual Affairs in LDRs

Common opinion Three studies

– Pre-marital• Guldner, GT. Propinquity & Dating Relationships, Purdue

University, Dept of Psychology, 1992

– Marital• Gerstel, N. Marital alternatives and the regulation of sex.

Alternnative Lifestyles, 1979; 2:145-176• Ortner, et al. Long Distance Marriage. 1979

No difference in the rate of affairs Greater concern & anxiety about affairs


Dating Others During an LDR

Two studies 6-month longitudinal study

– 30% of couples who dated others broke up– 27% of couples who did not broke up– 70% of couples who did not discuss this issue

broke up. Cross sectional study

– 15% of those who dated others survived LDR– 48% of those who didn’t survived LDR


Gender Differences in LDRs

Emphasis on sexuality Jealousy issues Interpretation of Love

– Romanticism vs Practicality– Separation as a test vs. obstacle

How to build intimacy– Through sharing ideas– By cataloging shared activities


Impact of Separation Greater on Men Did distance contribute to the end of your

LDR?– 41% of men agree– 28% of women agree

Distance was the only common problem cited more frequently by men as leading to a break up.


“Distance is represented as an empirical, absolute obstacle that precludes continuation of a relationship. These accounts offer no recognition of possibilities for managing distance; neither do they acknowledge any personal responsibility for its impact on relationships.”

-Wood, JT. Different voices in relationship crises. American Behavioral Scientist.1986; 29:273-301.

Therapeutic Pearls

Normalize & Encourage LDRs are common

– Especially among college students

LDRs do not break-up more often than PRs LDRs have similar quality relationships as

PRs

Therapeutic Pearls

Individuals in LDRs often report mild depression– Persistent, not improved with experience

• develop coping strategy, don’t wait for it to go away

– Distance relationships do not cause major depression

• Ending an LDR will likely not help and may hurt

Therapeutic Pearls

Anxiety / Guilt– LDRs no more uncertain than PRs– LDRs no more likely to have affairs– LDR is often the best choice between:

• Giving up one’s career/education/goals

• Giving up the relationship

• Having an LDR

– Focus on anxiety/guilt producing thoughts

Therapeutic Pearls

Progress slowed– Expect and normalize slower progression – Search for LDRs that “should” end and

facilitate / support this decision

Idealization / Disillusionment– Allow idealization but anticipate and normalize

unmet expectations

Therapeutic Pearls

Communication– Drawbacks to telephone communication– Address conflict avoidance

• Ritualize relationship discussion

Sexuality– Address issues of verbal sexual expression

• Alternatives (pictures, audio, video, letters)

– Address issues of self-pleasuring

Therapeutic Pearls

Promote Optimism and Self-Esteem Recognize minimal impact of contact Encourage letter writing Assess for and correct social isolation Encourage discussion of day-to-day acts Encourage parallel communication

– Hands free cordless phones

Therapeutic Pearls

Discuss ground rules regarding dating others

Acknowledge contributions to the LDR– Especially for men

When the relationship closes the distance– Probably greater risk of break-up– Disillusionment, loss of advantages, etc.

Questions?

Guldner, GT. Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide. 2003. LA: JF Milne

Available from:• www.atlasbooks.com

• www.amazon.com

• www.jfmilne.com

• Ingram Book Group

• Baker & Taylor

Documents

Long Distance Relationships