w w w. t h e we e k l y b e a n . c a

(306) 825-5694 or e-mail:labean@sasktel.net

April 6, 2015

FOR ALL THE ANXIOUS GOLFERS OUT THERE

Eric Bronsveld: I was playing with this 85-year-old man recently on a course that I was unfamiliar

with. On the third hole, I asked him what’s the best part of the fairway to be on, and he replied, “the top.”

Dom Smith: A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse.

The head pro says, “Did you have a good time out there?”The man replied “Fabulous, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?”Said the man: “Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!”

Ralph Schiefer: Last words of a golfer standing in the woods? “I can see a gap.”

Tom Schipper: Guy gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says,

“Hit the new Titleist Pro V.”The guy tees up the Titleist and takes a practice swing.The voice comes back, “Never mind, hit a range ball.”

The topic for my fourth-grade class was genetics. As I was

smiling I pointed to my dimples and asked, “What trait do you think

I passed on to my children?”One student called out, “Wrinkles!”

Little Jacob had a hard time getting use to a new

baby in the house. Coming out of his bedroom talking rather loud and being told

to be quiet, the baby is asleep, he very seriously

said, “Well ya’ll better be quiet, cause my

foot`s asleep.”

Lloydminster Concert Series Association and Loewen Piano Service present The Barra MacNeils on Friday, April 10, at 7:30 pm at Vic Juba Community Theatre.

The MacNeil siblings are from Cape Breton Island and feature multiple lead vocalists, beautiful harmonies, and technical skill on a wide variety of acoustic, stringed, percussion and wind instruments. The Barra MacNeils won their first East Coast Music Award in 1991 and have won four more since, including an Album of the Year award for Timeframe in 1992 and a Group of the Year award in 2001. They have been an opening act for Céline Dion and have toured regularly across North America and Europe.

Appetizers will be served during intermission. Tickets are $48 regular or $5 for students. Tickets may be ordered via phone at 780-872-7400, online at vicjubatheatre.ca or in person at the Box Office, Monday to Friday, 9:30 am to 3:30 pm.

New Coconut Yuzu Pinot Gris Available Now..

Top 10 Odd Medical Record Statements

10. “The skin was moist and dry.”9. “The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,

who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.”8. “The patient was in his usual state of good health until his

airplane ran out of gas and crashed.”7. “The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as

stockbroker instead.”6. “I saw your patient today, who is still under

our car for physical therapy.”5. “While in the emergency room, she was

examined, X-rated and sent home.”4. “She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got

a divorce.”3. “When she fainted, her eyes rolled around

the room.”2. “She is numb from her toes down.”1. “The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the

pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.”

Baby Bean06.04.15

Wednesday

Mar. 19

www.thevillagepregnancytoparenting.com

Programs and support for your pregnancy, birth, postpartum and parenting journey

Pre-natal classes * FoodVille * The MotherHoodBirth Cafe * Healing Mama’s group

Nursing Moms group * The MotherHood after Darkworkshops * events

April at The Village Pregnancy to Parenting

4702 56th Ave Lloydminster

The MotherHood: 10am Wed. 1st & 15thBirth Cafe: 10am Thurs. 9th & 23rdNursing Moms: 10amWed. 8th & Saturday TBAThe MotherHood after DarkWednesday 8th & 22nd 7:30pmFoodVille: Saturday TBAHealing Mama’s: Wed. 15thBabywearing: TBAPrenatal clasees : starting Mon. 20thfor up to date information please findus on facebook or visit our website

Why Good Nutrition during pregnancy?

Poor nutrition has been implicated as one cause or a contributing factor to all of the following:1. Prematurity2. SGA (Small for Gestational Age)or Low birth weight infants3. Pre-eclampsia/toxemia/high blood pressure4. Placental abruption5. Stillbirth6. Poor healing and increased rate of susceptibility to infections7. Prolonged labor/maternal exhaustion8. Fetal distress9. Postpartum hemorrhage/coagulation disorders

Be Healthy: tips for self-care• Nourish yourself & your baby• Eat organic when possible• Eat antibiotic free products• Eat fresh fruits & raw vegetables• Eat fresh salad daily• Drink at least 8 cups of filtered water daily• Eat approximately 80grams of protein and 3000 calories a day• Take supplements including: Vita E (400IU, take with foods containing fat), Vita C (500mg, take with iron), Folic Acid (800mcg), Iron (75mg), Calcium (1200mg, do not take with iron), Magnesium (600mg), Zinc (20mg), High quality Fish oil (900mg)• Eat the rainbow• Write a 3 day food journal and see what you may need to add• Eat when you’re hungry and learn your hunger cues• In the last trimester the need for protein, iron, calcium increase• Your baby will store iron for up to 6-9 months so make sure you iron levels are good• When breastfeeding you need about 4,000 calories/day and you will need extra protein and calcium• Avoid processed foods and refined carbs• Avoid aspartame & olestra

Be….. Nourished for labourA hard-working uterus and the muscles around it need a lot of energy from food and hydration from drinks. Doctors used to discourage eating or drinking during labour in case the mother needed a generalanaesthesia for a caesarean delivery, relying instead on intravenous fluids to hydrate and provide energy.Since most mothers who end up with a surgical birth now elect to be awake and thus receive an epidural or spinal aesthetic, keeping an empty stomach during labour is not as important as it once was. In the unlikely event that general anaesthesia is necessary for emergency delivery, the concern is that you might vomit while you are unconscious and then inhale your stomach contents into your lungs. Due to modern anaesthetic practices and methods the chance of this is very rare and most institutions now encourage drink and easily digestible foods as a mother desires. Eating heavily is also likely to make you uncomfortable.

Doula Services & Prenatal workshops

www.birthritelloydminster.org

Upcoming classes:6 week Nurturing Expectations April 20th - May 25thWeekend Intensive June 5th - 6thPrivate Prenatal classes availableRegistration on now! Visit the website for more info.

When you change the way you view birth the way you birth will change

-Marie Mongan

780 522-1685Winona Morland

Go green Smoothie’sPick a base: cococnut water, green tea, purified water

Add your greens: spirulina, spinach,kaleHealthy fats + fiber + fruit: coconut + chia seeds + organic fruit

Add a boost: bee pollen, raw cacao(antioxidants, vitamin c, minerals), raw maca( regulates hormones, increases endurance, improves circulatory system)

Sweeten up: raw agave, raw honey, pure stevia

H A I R | B E A U T Y | S A L O Nw w w. c h a t t e r s . c a

5 2 11 - 4 4 s t . | L l o y d m i n s t e r , A B | 7 8 0 . 8 7 5 . 8 7 0 2

C H AT T E R S

1/2 PRICECOLOUR SERVICEWITH A REGULAR HAIRCUT*

TUESDAYS ONLYMARCH 31 -

APRIL 28, 2015

*HAIRCUT & COLOUR SERVICE MUST TAKE PLACE DURING THE SAME APPOINTMENT. LIMITED AVAILABILITY

Downtow

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BARRA MACNEILS(CANADA’S CELTIC AMBASSADORS!)

FRI APR 10TH 7:30 P.M.—VIC JUBA COMMUNITY THEATRETICKETS ONLINE: VICJUBATHEATRE.CA $48 (STUDENTS $5)

Lloydminster Concert Series Associationwww.lloydconcert.ca

HOW TO KNOW WHETHER YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS OR NOT

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behindthe couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to

walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake achild at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop.

Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag makingsure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the

ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls ofsoggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an

airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds ofsand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m., begin to waltz and humwith the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for

10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have everheard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Setalarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

Look cheerful.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they canimprove their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s

table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them thatthey should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.

It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Staff Get TogethersBirthday Parties

Stags & StagettesSchool Activites

Book Your Party Now!!

5744 - 44 St Lloydminster780-875-0110 or 780-872-9677

Comedy Show Kelly Taylor April 16th

7:30PM Tickets $20

www.bordercityfurniture.com

    

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IF MY BODY WAS A CAR

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that’s not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained

with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here’s the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter ... either my radiator leaks

or my exhaust backfires !

Differences Between Man and Women

NamesIf Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire

and Barbara.If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno,

Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want

change back.When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MoneyA man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.Bathrooms

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

ArgumentsWomen always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the

beginning of a new argument.Cats

Women love cats.Men may say they love cats, but when women are

not looking, will men kick cats.Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

5405 44 StreetWayside Plaza

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you

prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady re-plied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition,

because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was telling his neighbour, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four hundred dollars, but it’s state of the art.

It’s perfect.’

‘Really,’ answered the neighbour, ‘What kind is it?’

‘Twelve thirty.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”

“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that

ever happens, just pull the plug.”

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

1. Who set a record by winning eight Grammy awards in 1984?a) U2 b) Whamc) Hall and Oates d) Michael Jackson2. Haley Joel Osment was born in 1988, and starred in a number of successful films as a child. In which of these films did he not appear?a) Artificial Intelligence; AIb) Pay It Forwardc)Back to the Futured)The Sixth Sense3. Which well-known American actor, who starred in the films ‘Seven’, ‘Troy’ and ‘Interview with the Vampire’, dressed up as a chicken on a Los Angeles Street, advertising a fast food restaurant, to help fund his acting lessons?a) Tom Hanks b) Dustin Hoffmanc) Tom Cruise d) Brad Pitt4. What show made Tori Spelling famous?a) One Tree Hill b) Beverly Hills 90210c) Gossip Girl d) American Idol

5. Which actor was a “sweathog”, danced his way through “Saturday Night Fever” and took to the road on a motorcycle in “Wild Hogs”?a) Tim Allen b) John Travoltac) Gabe Kaplan d) Kevin Bacon6. Which iconic TV sex symbol lost her battle with cancer on June 25, 2009, but was pushed to the back burner of media attention when Michael Jackson died just hours later?a) Elizabeth Montgomeryb) Pamela Andersonc) Farrah Fawcettd) Anna Nicole Smith7. This cowboy couple, famous for singing “Happy Trails”, were the godparents of Little Rascal Carl ‘Alfalfa’ Switzer. Who are they?a) Gene Autry and Ina Spiveyb) Bob Steele and Virginia Tatemc) Rex Bell and Clara Bowd) Roy Rogers and Dale Evans

1. d, 2.c, 3.d, 4.b, 5.b, 6.c, 7.d

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w The word “Checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat”, which means “the king is dead”w Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?w Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning “containing arsenic.”w Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.w According to acupuncturists, there is a point on the head that you can press to control your appetite. It is located in the hollow just in front of the flap of the ear.w When opossums are playing ‘possum, they are not “playing.” They actually pass out from sheer terror.w Because of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown farther if it is thrown west.w An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

Michelle HamiltonREGISTERED PSYCHOLOGIST

Professional Counselling Services, EMDR

780.808.1593www.beyond-balance.com

michelle@beyond-balance.com

 

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If mummies are from Egypt, then from where are daddies from?

Should vegetarians attend meetings?

If you mix flour, water and salt you get glue. If you add eggs, baking powder and oil, you get cake.

Where does the glue go?

If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it “breakfast”?

Where do they get the seeds to plant

seedless watermelons?

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?

Why do they have ear piercing while you wait?

Is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did t

hey go back to?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?