LINGUISTIC LANGOUR PLAGUES THE PRESS

Endangered Words

ScurryfungePamphagous

PulchritudinousSlubberdegullion

PhlyarologistSquizzle

PlebicolarLugubrious

TallywhackerFlippercanorious

JirgingWinklepickers

Hey Guys,Dear Sir/MadamDear Journalist,Here’s what you’re going to do...

All content has been created by me - Simon Rogers. If you wish to contact me, I’d love for you to do so at: simon@sixfootfour.co.uk.If you would like to view more of the work I’ve done during my art foundation at Ravensbourne, just head to www.sixfootfour.co.uk

THE PROBLEMLinguistic languor plagues the press? Ok so maybe not – you guys are doing an alright job really, but I hope you of all people can forgive me

the sensationalism.

I’d like to propose you a challenge; because being challenged is healthy for creativity after all. So what’s the challenge? Refer back to the list of ‘endangered words’ on the front page. Some sound pretty funny, yeah? Should you choose to accept it, your challenge is to use

as many of these words in your newspaper articles as you can.

You ask me: “Why would I want to do that?” It’s a reasonable question.For that reason, I’ve composed this insightful, profound and

sometimes poignant guide, explaining exactly why each one should be used. An unnamed source high-up in the lofty heights of journalism tells me my results are “reasonably compelling, I guess.”

Many of these words still serve actual functions that other words don’t, and some just sound funny, all I ask is that you take the time to

read on, and make your mind up for yourself.

adj.:

to e

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USE-

A-W

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ALLE

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: PAM

PHAG

OUS

4

adj.:

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ever

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On

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Whether it’s a pamphagous labrador found to have eaten a kilogram of concrete , or you’re writing about your teenagers for a lifestyle article, using this word shouldn’t prove too hard.

YOUR HEADLINE: RIHANNA REVEALS HER ATTRACTION TO MEN WHO EAT EVERYTHING

THE ALTERNATIVE: RIHANNA REVEALS

HER ATTRACTION TO PAMPHAGOUS MEN

It’s easy to see why Ben here looks so bored, more celebrity dross written in the least inspiring of prose. All Ben wanted was a bit of Cricket.

Ben has to hand it to the journalist that wrote this headline, he was just trying to find the Cricket, but pamphagous, now that’s a good word.

So why is Ben laughing? Well Ben thinks pamphagous means ‘resemblant of a pink, flamboyant weetabix.’ Clever Ben. You can see how this makes for a much more successful headline.

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BEN: Sounds like something that’s fabulous… but kind of... wheaty.ME: Kind of wheaty?TARO: Yeah yeah yeah, like a flamboyant wheetabix… if they ever made a pink, milkshake flavoured wheetabix, that’d be called pamphagous, because it’s something that’s quite dry, but also… you knowBEN: Yeah there’s not a lot of bounce… TARO: Bodacious.BEN: …well there’s some bounce. But not a lot.TARO: There’s a lack of moisture.

LUKE: That’s another dragon ain’t it? ...Nah it’s a.. mathmatical kind of thing.BEN: Yeah like pythagoras an that

LUKE: Yeah a bit like that, mathmaticalBEN: Or a person’s name... an ancient greek - d’you know what I mean?

CELIA: I bet it means... like a... I’ve absolutely no idea.NICOLE: Pamfaggus.CELIA: I bet it’s not obvious.NICOLE: Pamfaggus... Pam. Faggus.NICOLE: Cats that like dogs. ME: It’s actually the act of eating everything.CELIA: Is it!?NICOLE: Aahhh. Cat’s that EAT dogs. So basically I got it then.

FREDDIE: Pamphaguous?ME: Yeah pamphaguous.

FREDDIE. Pamphaguos.ELANOR: Pam... fag. Pamfagwich. It’s a kind of sandwich.

FREDDIE: Pam. Pam fag. Spam. Is it anything to do with the production of Spamalot? ELANOR: Sounds like something you might say instead of fabulous - pamfabulous. Oh that’s pamfabulous.

FREDDIE: Does it mean that you’re smart, but you know it? ME: No.

FREDDIE: ...Does it mean that you’re good looking but you know it?ME: It involves food.

FREDDIE: You’re greedy! ...You eat other people’s food?

FAHUD: A gay boy! ZACHARIAS: Pamphaguos yeah that’s someone who’s a bit feminine.FAHUD: Someone a bit camp.

LIZ: It sounds like a magical land! Like Pans Labyrinth. ANNA: Sounds like something to do with your throat.

LIZ: Say it again.ANNA: Yeah it’s a disease to do with your throat.

ME: Pamphagous.LIZ: Pancakes in Vegas!

PAMPHAGOUS: BUT WHAT DO THE PUBLIC THINK IT MEANS?This page is where I address your concerns that perhaps your newspaper’s audience won’t have a clue what pamphagous means....

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AUSTERE

A DIFFERENT CHALLENGE - DON’T USE:

It is with incresing regularity my morning train journey is accompanied by several doses of this rather grating word.

It’s a word that’s used with increasing frequency by everyone from charity shop managers to French Presidents and as I look at google news, it’s been used 6 times in the last hour.

An article on the BBC even said that in Spain 72,000 people have even marched in an ‘anti-austerity’ protest.

Essentially, I’m challenging you to find a new word to imply counting your pennies - use a thesaurus or something, it can’t be that hard.

Adj.: Severe or strict in manner,

attitude, or appearance.

Having no comforts or

luxuries; harsh or ascetic.

USE-A-WORD CHALLENGE: SCURRYFUNGE

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verb: A hasty tidying of the house between the time you see a neighbor and the time he/she knocks on the door.

Despite how regular an occurence having a

scurryfunge is, not many people seem to be aware of the best solutions and

tools for a quick clean up.

For this reason I’ve included a quick pictoral

guide of the fastest technique, with none of the hazards of hiding all

your loose paperwork in the oven (a rookie

error). After all, less time tidying means more

time working out how you could adopt this

very word in an article.

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I’m fairly sure scurryfunge could be used to brighten up a dreary article on the financial crisis, but I haven’t quite worked out how yet...

YOUR HEADLINE:CAMERON FOUND

HASTILY TIDYING HOUSE BY NEIGHBOUR

THE ALTERNATIVE:CAMERON CAUGHT HAVING A SCURRYFUNGE BYNEIGHBOUR

Not very interesting is it? And you know it could be so much better.... just look at my proposed alternative headline below.

Scurryfunge. Yes, having a scurryfunge is a very normal thing to do. Once the meaning of the word is established, this article takes on a charming tone that presents our PM as a human like the rest of us. Not only that, but it suggests he’s too busy rapid-firing policies everywhere to have a proper tidy.Without ‘scurryfunge’ what would this article be? Boring, yet I bet it’d still be found in the middle of most national newspapers.

SCURRYFUNGE: BUT WHAT DO THE PUBLIC THINK IT MEANS?

TARO: This, to me, suggests the frantic scrubbing of the groinal region… upon exiting the shower.BEN: You have a fixation for abrasion, as the song goes. TARO: It’s definitely a spiritual thing.BEN: *laughs*TARO: Matthew 32: And so he went into the bush, and funged his scurry. His followers were about him, and they saw too that it was good… and went forth, and funged their own scurries.

NICOLE: Funge sounds like clunge. Scurrying in… clunge?CELIA: A sponge! It’s a sponge!

ME: A scurrying sponge? NICOLE: Yeah that’s it.

CELIA: What does it mean?ME: It’s the hasty tidying of a house inbetween the time you spot your neighbour walking down the road and the time they get to the door.

CELIA: What?! Hahaha why did you pick that out? ME: It’s a great word!

NICOLE: Oh I’m just going to have a scurryfunge, Celia’s coming. Hahaha. Oh I did yesterday! I had a scurryfunge yesterday. CELIA: Did you? …Ok anyway next one!

FAHUD: ScurryFUNGE?ME: Yeah, scurryfunge.ZACHARIAS: Something furry. FAHUD: Searching for something, scurrying about.ZACHARIAS. Something furry.FAHUD: Compromise – searching for fur.ZACHARIAS: Finding fur!

LIZ: Sounds like sponge!ANNA: A rough… a rough sponge.

LIZ: A scourer!ANNA: Yeah a scouring sponge.

LIZ: Yeah!10

Disclaimer: it wouldn’t be a challenge if every single member of the public knew what it meant would it?

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‘UNDER FIRE’

A DIFFERENT CHALLENGE - DON’T USE:

Under fire is a phrase so ubiquitous it is now near devoid of any of the drama it’s intended to imply.

It doesn’t take an MA in English to proffer some valid alternatives. My English is bad enough that at GCSE my English teacher desperately suggested that perhaps I was just dyslexic. Nevertheless, I’ll attempt to provide a few new phrases to get the ball rolling:

• taking flack• dodging bullets• wrists’ slapped • stabbed in the back by political underling• lambasted • flogged

Sorry guys, it’s time to let go:.

‘under fire’ was once an exciting phrase, but now

it’s a done to death cliche.

USE-

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ORD

CH

ALLE

NGE

: WIN

KLEP

ICKE

RSad

j.: Lo

ng p

oint

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oes

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rugg

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ith th

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hat f

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WIN

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All I’m going to say is the Royal wedding would’ve been a lot more entertaining if we could hear commentators making prolific use of the word winklepickers....

YOUR HEADLINE:NOEL GALLAGHER SICK OF MEN WEARING STUPID POINTY SHOES

THE ALTERNATIVE:NOEL GALLAGHER

SICK OF MEN WEARING WINKLEPICKERS

Ouch, Taro here owns some pointy shoes. It’s all very well to have an opinion, but shared in such a blunt way this is one opinion that’s garuanteed to get many an artists’ blood boiling.

It’s the same headline, but somehow it seems much less offensive this way, were you somebody who was stylistically inclined to wear pointy shoes. Admittedly constructing entire articles around stupid things Noel Gallagher has said is more the NME’s forte, but the celebrity gossip sections of most newspapers are still guilty of entertaining the odd bit of Gallagher-related nonsense. ‘Winklepickers’ makes it fractionally more acceptable.

WHAT WORDS DO OTHER MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC THINK YOU SHOULD USE?Taken from a very balanced demographic of people, if you use every single one of these words in every article you write, logically it should appeal to everyone.

NicoleAwkwardSickHulabalooOno

SethBaffled

Swing-me-datWasteman

JahBenObviousNuancesMoistPoppinjay

JoannaChimmy changa(?)

DinosaursGrass

MattBazingaFluteWonder

GraceHumpty Dumpty

UndergroundSnorkle

IsaacConquistadorDingusBaboonInherentRegicide

TaroVicarious

RavishingEuphoria

MildratAnnaOrderlyNeatComposedConsideredCrisp

AndyLiverpool

LunchChocolate

FamilyDesign14

Always good to see ‘lugubrious’

get a mention - I’ve been a

fan of it ever since me and a friend got a

mark for using it in an A-Level

Geography essay.

15

RebeccaMad BrilliantChilledBuddy

TanoGrand coquin

GiganticPetit filous

LukeHumbleDeja vuChilledBizzo

JoannaChimmy changa(?)

DinosaursGrass

JossYesBuzzingRemorseCommunicate

GeorgeCricketCheeky

LugubriousRat

DougFlippercanoriousPlangtagenetHallowed

ChloeSeriously

ExtravagantBreak

IvanEgregiousMolluscMellifluousFishfingers

USE-A-WORD CHALLENGE: SOUIZZLE

verb: To fire a gun, e.g. In an act of extreme malice Simon raised his BB gun and squizzled at the lego Harry Potter figure.

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Since being invented in the 1800’s, squizzle has had a few alternative definitions, including: ‘A loving hug, somewhere in between a glomp and a squish.’ and ‘To urinate, only a little, while laughing really hard.’

YOUR HEADLINE:ANDREW LANSLEY

UNDER FIRE OVER NHS RISK REGISTER FOI VETO

THE ALTERNATIVE:ANDREW LANSLEY SOUIZZLED AT OVERRISK REGISTER VETO

Not naming names but a quick google would reveal this headline is written by every newspaper’s least favourite unbiased news source. Aside from the fact it’s an absolute mouthful, it also transgresses on the cliche front - we’ve already discussed ‘under fire.’

As an alternative to the phrase ‘under fire,’ I think squizzle is wonderful - containing a fun sparkle with serious, gritty undertones - this word is a nice way to sugar-coat another story about somebody recieving a bollocking.

USE-

A-W

ORD

CH

ALLE

NGE

: SLU

BBER

DEGU

LLIO

N

adj.:

A fi

lthy,

sl

obbe

ring

pe

rson

; a sl

oven

, a

villa

in, a

fie

nd, a

lous

e;

A w

orth

less

pe

rson

; A d

runk

, an

d/or

an

alco

holic

.

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Slubberdegullion is also a good thing to call your friends - there’s no coming back from that one.

YOUR HEADLINE:BINGE DRINKING RISES AMONGST ADULTS

THE ALTERNATIVE:INCREASE IN

NUMBER OF ADULT SLUBBERDEGULLIONS

The flat headline suggests flatter content - the same recited facts about the effects of heavy drinking, the reccomended number of units per week, a picture of a drunk person spewing their guts in a gutter.

Slubberdegullion. A word that suggests both dragons, pirate ships and inebriation in equal measure. How could such a word fail to improve even the most tedious of alcohol-related articles? Using slubberdegullion is a sure-fire route to journalistic success.

SLUBBERDEGULLION: BUT WHAT DO THE PUBLIC THINK IT MEANS?

TARO: I actually know this one… It’s the err… you know when a dog’s jowl… the flesh on the inside of a dog’s jowl…BEN: When it’s cheeks are so close together and it make’s that kind of face… *squishes face together with hands* It’s like a baby throwing up.

CELIA: Sounds like some sort of squid. NICOLE: Slubber.

CELIA: A slubbering whale… *makes jellyfish swimming gesture.*

TANO: Dev answer?DEV: Fat and slimey. TANO: It makes me think of a word in Harry Potter.

LUKE: Seriously where do you get these words from?LUKE: Sounds like something from Lord of the Rings doesn’t it?

BEN: Sounds like a pirate ship.

FAHUD: Slubberde-what?!ME: Gullion.FAHUD: That’s a sex move.ZACHARIAS: Hahaha nah it’s someone who’s lazy!FAHUD: Sluggish! Someone who’s sluggish.ZACHARIAS: Lazy.

ANNA: I dunno if that’s an adjective or…ME: It’s an adjective… I can confirm that.

LIZ: But how does it work as an adjective? LIZ: … someone who’s drunk.

ANNA: I’d say it’s something that’s revolting.LIZ: Sounds pretty gross.

ANNA: Sounds pretty gross, yeah.20

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CHEEKY

A DIFFERENT CHALLENGE - PLEASE DON’T USE:

Cheeky, the linguistic swiss army knife. Name a situation, cheeky is probably, just about, a valid response. e.g.:

“I’m pregnant.” “Cheeky!”

“We’re in Room 13.”“Cheeky.”

“How’re you?”“Cheeky.”

“What do you want for dinner?”“Hmm... something cheeky.”

Cheeky seems to have experienced a surge in popularity recently, and while I’m happy for cheeky’s much deserved success, I’m worried that it might reach a saturation point where the word loses it’s charm. Nowadays, misusing cheeky is as common as the misuse of irony.

I plead that you give using the word ‘cheeky’ a break, in order that it enjoy a long and happy life.

Adj.: Impudent or irreverent,

typically in an endearing or

amusing way.

adj.: Beautiful.

The image of a ham sandwich should be fairly self-explanatory.

USE-A-WORD CHALLENGE: PULCHRITUDINOUS

22

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Kudos to the Evening Standard reporter who used pulchritudinous in an article a while back, fear not - at least one person understood what it meant. Keep fighting the good fight.

YOUR HEADLINE:THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

INVADE CANNES

THE ALTERNATIVE:THE PULCHRITUDINOUS PEOPLE INVADE CANNES

This was indeed a real article and surprisingly no, not for the Daily Mail, but the Vancouver Sun.

Unfortunately further reading of the article revealed the usage of ‘beautiful people’ wasn’t sarcastic, but in-fact deadly serious. Wow.

Alliteration? Thinly veiled mockery of a vacuous cliche? This headline ticks all of Luke here’s boxes. Pulchritudinous is probably best used in this kind of lightly mocking sense, as demonstrated by what people thought it meant on the next page.

PULCHRITUDINOUS: BUT WHAT DO THE PUBLIC THINK IT MEANS?

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BEN: Something to do with birds? The flight of vultures.TARO: It’s definitely angrier sounding than any word we’ve encountered thus far…BEN: It is… I feel there’s definitely a question of class about this word.

DEV: Dinoasaurs!TANO: Erm… I think it’s Steve Jobs.

FREDDIE: You don’t like the pulp in orange juice? ELANOR: Velcro?ELANOR: Is this some biological human word?ME: It’s descriptive.FREDDIE: It sounds like something that protrudes out of something.ELANOR: A spikey thing.FREDDIE: Is it a really outgoing person who will tell you what they think of you to their face?

NICOLE: Sounds like pompous doesn’t it? A twat.CELIA: Yeah like pompous, definitely pompous.

NICOLE: Tudinous sounds like opportunitiesCELIA: It’s not opportunities…you definitely told me this.

NICOLE: Pulchritudinous…. It’s like pompous though.CELIA: But I bet it’s not! It probably isn’t.

ME: It actually means beautiful.CELIA: Does it?!

JORDAN: Sounds like something you’d do to a… food. FAHUD: Yeah it’s like a diet or something… like a disorder. JORDAN: Food-related for sure.

SETH: A big hairy tortoise... that’s lost.BEN: With some groovy, groovy monkeys.

SETH: Yeah. In the shoe-rack.

A WORD THE PUBLIC MAY WELL TELL YOU NOT TO USE, BUT YOU REALLY SHOULD (TRUST ME):

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MOISTNot a forgotten word, no, but what a word nonetheless. You have to hand it to moist for managing to be so divisive in the reaction it causes among English speaking people. Despite such a mundane meaning, moist has still managed to spawn numerous internet hate groups.

On Facebook, ‘Saying the word “moist” to make others uncomfortable’ is a page that currently has 64,627 likes, and their are dozens of other pages both for and against the word.

To use ‘moist’ is to court controversy, to look adversity in the eyes and give it a big ol’ grin. Use moist.

Adj.: 1. Slightly wet.

2. (of a climate) Rainy.

verb

: The

stud

y of

non

sens

e.

You

got m

e, th

is im

age

was

just

a se

lf-de

prec

iati

ng j

oke

used

in a

flim

sy p

loy

to m

ake

my

wri

ting

styl

e ap

pear

m

ore

likea

ble.

26

USE-

A-W

ORD

CH

ALLE

NGE

: PH

LYAR

OLO

GIST

27

Phylarology has so many applications in journalism, but the most obvious use seems to be the majority of political news.

YOUR HEADLINE:HIRST OPENS BLOCKBUSTER EXHIBITION AT TATE

THE ALTERNATIVE:HIRST EXHIBTION MAKES

FINE EXAMPLE OF PHLYAROLOGY

What’s the problem with this headline? Blockbuster. Lacking opinion and full of hype, this is a rising star in the world of bad art journalism. The exhibition has made a lot of money, great. Is it good?

“Shit.” - That was Seth’s reply when we asked him what he thought of Damien Hirst’s exhibition at Tate Modern. “As a businessman, good. As an artist... not so much.”

Most of us more or less agree, his art process must be the following:

• Think of something that looks cool.• Make it.• Invent an idea to make it seem like there was an intelligent reason for creating it.

Phlyarology is therefore quite an apt description.

verb

: The

stud

y of

non

sens

e.

You

got m

e, th

is im

age

was

just

a se

lf-de

prec

iati

ng j

oke

used

in a

flim

sy p

loy

to m

ake

my

wri

ting

styl

e ap

pear

m

ore

likea

ble.

adj.: The noise too dry shoes make when walked with.

USE-A-WORD CHALLENGE: JIRGING

I often find myself being asked, “Simon , how is it that I may stop the

sqeuaking noise my shoes are making.”

My reply? They aren’t moist enough.

Whenever this happens I always reccomend a bath of cool water. An

hour does the trick, and if you live in area of hard

water make sure you filter it first.

A further two hours left in a freezer ‘locks-in’ the

moisture.Why am I telling you this? Well if the ‘The

Hour’ was anything to go by, you journalists are

sneaky types, so noisy shoes just won’t do.

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I’ve decided that it is not in my interest to publish what the public think jirging means, but rest assured it’s a great word to use.

YOUR HEADLINE:RURAL LIBRARY BANS SHOES THAT ARE TOO DRY AND THEREFORE

MAKE A SOUEAKY NOISE

THE ALTERNATIVE:LIBRARIAN PROCLAIMS: STOP THE JIRGING

I think perhaps the journalist that wrote this headline could have done with knowing a certain word.... jirging. Entertaining article but no editor would approve a headline that long.

This headline is dramatic and concise, while still being entirely informative. A perfect piece of journalism? Perhaps not but it’d certainly make page 3 of the Metro, a true test of an article’s quality and relevance.

WHAT IT BOILS DOWN TO - WHICH WOULD YOU PREFER?

You can carry on in your usual manner, using your usual words and your usual phrases.

30

Or you can embrace the

challenges proposed here,

and open the door to a world

of exciting journalistic

possibilities.

31

Cheers for reading!

Please pop me in the next envelope and put me in the post.

If you’re feeling kind enough to email me and let me know you’ve sent my paper on it’s way, it would be much appreciated!

simon@sixfootfour.co.uk

If you don’t, well... I’m afraid to inform you we can’t be friends.