Lifetime Issues for Global

Nomads

Marion Knell

Family Cross-cultural Consultant

Denmark

October 2014

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Issues for MKs

Identity

Home/Roots

Relationships

Mobility

Choice and control

Trust

Continuity

Re-entry

Identity

Personal identity is often

viewed as referring to a sense

of sameness or permanence

whilst negotiating change and

diversity (Ching, 1995)

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Identity

A Cultural Biography

• Where were my parents born?

• Where was I born?

• Where was my first school?

• When did I first learn a second language?

• What language do I think in?

• What do I like best about the place I live?

• What do I like about my passport country?

• Where do I feel most comfortable – on my

own or with lots of people

Identity

“It is impossible for returnees to make

behavioural adjustments without it

impacting their identity”

Hayashi and Uno (1999)

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TCKs – Where is ‘Home’?

I don’t know

It’s too difficult

Heaven

Wherever my parents are living

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Home and Roots

“We must always be letting go what we

have acquired, and acquiring what we do

not possess, leaving one place in order

to find another, abandoning one support

in order to reach another, turning our

backs on the past to thrust

wholeheartedly towards the future.”

Paul Tournier

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TCKs – Where is ‘Home’?

Roots are in Relationships

• Primary responsibility of parents is to

nourish their relationship

What happens when that relationship is

deficient?

How do you give rootless TCKs a

sense of belonging in a sea of change?

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TCKs

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Mobility

“I just got bored seeing the same face,

shopping at the same supermarket, going

to the same Post Office. I need that

stimulus to experience fresh air and new

neighbourhoods. It was almost like an

addiction.”

Nora Kohri (AW 2004)

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Reasons for Mobility

Learned behaviour

Desire to experience the world

Never feeling at home

Enjoying adventure

Visiting other TCKs

Escaping the past

Consequences of Mobility

Failure to learn conflict-resolution skills

• “With a built-in relational cycle, there is a

temptation to simply leave a problem

without resolving it”

Reluctance to make lasting

commitments

• “With the importance of people rather than

place, this baggage gets carried on to the

new location and may re-emerge and

impact the development of new

relationships” (Eakin1999)

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Mobility

Reflection:

• Where have my parents lived since I was

born?

• How many moves have I made? Why?

• How old was I when we moved?

• How many languages have I used? For

how long?

• Where have a spent the longest single

period of my life?

• How do I handle moves?

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Relationships

“Even as an adult, I was always mentally

steeling myself for the next move. So I

didn’t invest too deeply in relationships.

After all, who knew if I would be around?”

Deborah Kartheiser (AW 2004)

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Relationships

Reflection:

• How many close relationships have I had?

How long did they last?

Do I trust other people?

• Who has met my needs?

• How do I end friendships?

• Do I need to be in control?

• Am I afraid of commitment?

• How do I feel about physical expressions of

affection?

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Relationships

“Real relationships are a lot of work and

very messy! At least when you are

sticking them out for the long haul.”

Deborah Kartheiser (AW 2004)

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Levels of Friendship

Superficial level: small talk

‘Still safe’ level: exchange of no risk

facts

Judgemental level: giving opinions

which friends might disagree with

Emotional level: sharing feelings about

ourselves and others

Disclosure level: revealing our most

private thoughts and feelings - intimacy

Relationships

“TCKs frequently rush into relationships

and share things at a deep level (because

there isn’t much time before the

‘goodbye’ comes).

At the same time, we don’t let our hearts

really need them. We share but we don’t

risk needing. If you’re going to break this

negative cycle, you will have to begin by

letting yourself need somebody”

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Relationships

“If the TCK feels that their mate does not

appreciate their unique experience, or

encourage the expression of their

emotions, or accept them deeply in spite

of their ‘strangeness’, then the marriage

will struggle and may not flourish.”

Matt Neigh (AW 2004)

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Relationships

Marriage a cure for abandonment

Marriage a cure for homesickness

Independence in enmeshed families

Rescuers’ and problem solvers

rescuing by marriage

Inter-cultural marriage

Adapting

Singleness

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Choice and Control

“As TCKs we frequently find ourselves in situations that are the result of someone else’s decision. So often other individuals have made the decision … individuals we can’t even see. If you grew up in the military, it may have been the generals; if it was in the diplomatic corps, it was some person in an office somewhere. If it grew up in an international business like IBM (I have Been Moved) it was the CEO in some huge corner office. If your parents were Christians, it was one step higher – God.”

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Choice and Control

Authority figures in the TCK’s life:

Parents

Company

School

Church

Dorm parents

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Choice and Control

“If I decided what I really want and start

to go after it, something will happen to

stop me. If I want something badly

enough and God finds out, he will just

take it away from me. It’s no use

planning my own future; I’ll just go with

the flow of whatever happens.”

Deborah Kartheiser (AW 2004)

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Choice and Control

Reflection:

• Do I feel manipulated?

• What are my education options, long-term?

• Have I been involved in family discussions

on the future?

• What am I good at?

• Have I ever felt discounted as an

individual?

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Trust

You have a need, you express that

need

The need does not get fully met – the

person is too busy or goes away

You learn not to trust anyone

You become good at meeting your own

needs

You only ever form superficial

relationships

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Trust

To break the cycle you have to begin by

letting yourself need someone

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Human needs – a Biblical

reflection

A place to be understood/known 1 Cor. 13:12

A place to belong: Matt. 8:20

A place to express full range of emotions: Heb. 4:15

A place to create: Gen. 2:19 (physically and intellectually)

A place to explore new ideas and think without shame: Is. 55:8-9

A place to make choices: Josh. 24:15

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Continuity

Communication

Base Culture

Home Leave

Rituals and routines

Sacred objects

Education

Extended family

Life story books

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Re-entry

Factors affecting Re-Entry:

Personality of Individual

Age

Previous experience of moving

Reasons for leaving

Cultural background

Attitude of parents

Economic diversity

Schooling

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Human needs

A place to explore the mysteries of life and faith: Ps. 77:12; Ps. 119:15

A way to exercise mind and body

An awareness that all of the pieces of my life work together into one unified whole: Eph. 2:10

Sense of significance: John 15:16

Ways to develop strengths, to be successful: Rom. 12:6

Uniqueness – no-one is the same: Matt. 10:30; Ps. 139:13; Eph. 2:10

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Issues for Teens

Being invisible

Being highly visible

Not belonging

Feeling rootless

Experiencing repeated loses

Injustice and inequity

Hypocrisy

High expectations

Lack of individual affirmation

Being abandoned

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Anger Signals

Cynicism

Critical spirit

Defensiveness

Depression

Chronic negativity

Arrogance

Uncontrolled habits

Brittleness

Over-reaction

Negative response to authority

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“Don’t let your past dictate who

you are; let it become part of who

you will be”

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Lifetime Issues

Lifetime Issues for Global

Nomads

Marion Knell

Family Cross-cultural Consultant

Denmark

October 2014