LeMONTAY

(Animated Sitcom)

"Pilot"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. TODAY SHOW SET - DAY

MATT LAUER is interviewing LeMONTAY (pronounced Luh-MON-tay)REDMOND (black, 35).

MATT LAUERWelcome back to the Today Show.Sitting next to me is Grammy awardwinning rapper and producer,LeMontay Redmond.

LEMONTAYAre you the gay guy on CNN?

MATT LAUERThats Anderson Cooper. Im MattLauer, and this is NBC.

LEMONTAYI dont give a fuck. Im the bestrapper in the world.

MATT LAUERAnyways, thanks for getting up soearly to join us.

LEMONTAYAre you saying that because Imblack?

MATT LAUERI dont see how thats evenpossible.

LEMONTAYYou think its a big deal when ablack man gets up early--becauseyou think black people are too lazyto work, and theyd rather stay inbed all morning, dreaming aboutwatermelon and collard greens. Areyou trying to say theres acorrelation between blackness, andnot getting up early enough forthis stupid cracka ass show? Youprobably think Wesley Snipes getsup at 12, Tiger Woods is up at 9,and Conan OBriens pale whiteIrish ass is up and feedingroosters at the crack of dawn!

2.

MATT LAUERUh. Lets talk about your newalbum.

LEMONTAYIts an album where I use the word"nigga" 1753.5 times. Thats aGuinness world nigga record. AndIll bet you want to break thatrecord right now, by calling me anigga 1754 times.

MATT LAUERIve never used that word before inmy life.

LEMONTAYThat makes you even more racist.

MATT LAUERHow?

LEMONTAYBecause you say nigga in yourhead. Only a real racist wouldrefrain from saying nigga out loud,and say it internally, and let theword and the racism reside in hisheart, and grow into a racism tree,with nigga branches, and antiaffirmative action leaves, and apro-slavery trunk.

MATT LAUER... So, uh, tell us about your newmovie.

LEMONTAYKiss my black ass. You want to callme a nigga right now, Matt Lauer.Say it!

MATT LAUER(to camera)

OK. We have to take a commercialbreak. But when we come back, Imgonna talk to Suzanne Summers abouther new line of scented candles.

3.

INT. E! NEWS STUDIO - NIGHT

HOSTEarlier today, LeMontay Redmondreleased a new triple album that hesays is gonna revolutionize musicand astrophysics. And tonight isthe premiere of LeMontays firstever movie. Were gonna take youlive to that premiere right now,and check in with LeMontay himself.

EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

A fancy movie premiere is taking place, with a red carpet,limos, photographers, etc. LeMontay is standing with SCARLET(female, 30, white, attractive, big butt) and anINTERVIEWER.

INTERVIEWERIm here with LeMontay Redmond,whos accompanied, as always, byhis girlfriend Scarlet Weatherly.

LEMONTAYHow come I dont get my ownholiday?

INTERVIEWERUm. What?

LEMONTAYUm. Just saying. Im a musicsuperstar, and now Im a moviesuperstar. George Washington getshis own holiday, and he wasnt adual superstar. I dont evenbelieve in no George Washington. Ibelieve in George WashingtonCarver--the black man who invented1776 uses for a peanut in the year1776, when he founded this country,which he originally calledthe United States of Peanut. By theway--Im the first rapper to rhymethe word "basketball" with"bathroom stall," and Im the firstperson to walk on the moon.

INTERVIEWEROK. Well, youve produced albums,youve rapped on albums, and now

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4.

INTERVIEWER (contd)youve starred in a Hollywoodfeature film. Whats next forLeMontay Redmond?

LEMONTAYIm gonna be the next NelsonNandela. Im gonna, you know, endthe apartheid in Africa, or LosAngeles. Whichever ones closer tomy house in Beverly Hills. BecauseNelson Nandela was a great man.

INTERVIEWERIts Nelson Mandela--not NelsonNandela.

LEMONTAYAre you saying that because Imblack?

INT. LIMO - NIGHT

LeMontay, Scarlet, CALVIN (35, black), CHUCK (25, black),RANDY (35, white), and three WOMEN (25-35, attractive) arein the back seat of a limo.

CHUCK(to LeMontay)

Yo man--that was movie was thebomb. Im just pissed off it wasonly 183 minutes long. I mean,youre LeMontay Redmond. You gottoo much greatness to fit into 183minutes of film.

LEMONTAYThats what I told the studio--butthem niggas was trippin. I wanted a988 minute film--but my directorJames Cameron said to me,

(in "white" voice)"No one want to see your black asson screen for 988 minutes." Homeboyis straight up racist.

RANDYMan--your movie wasnt directed byJames Cameron. It was directed byTyler Perrys second cousin,DeCarlos Perry.

5.

LEMONTAYListen. When I want your crackercommentary, Ill ask you for it.Ill ring this bell,

(rings a servants bell)and Ill say, "Cracker--I want yourcommentary." ... Man--youre moreracist than Matt Lauer.

RANDYHow am I racist? Ive been one ofyour best friends for 20 years.

LEMONTAYElementary, my dear cracker. Its ascientific fact that all whitepeople are racist. GeorgeWashington Carver proved that shitwhen he saw a peanut fall to theground, and he invented gravity,and he inventedthe peanut prophylactic.

CHUCKExactly, man. The blacker thepeanut, the sweeter the juice.

CALVINWhat the fuck are you talkingabout?

LEMONTAY(to Everyone)

OK. Enough with the scientifictalk. Lets go back to talkingabout my movie.

(to Scarlet)What did you think of it, baby?

SCARLETIt was so good. And any time youwere on screen, I was so turned on.

LEMONTAYMe, too.

SCARLETYou were turned on when you sawyourself on screen?

LEMONTAYYes. Is it because Im black?

6.

INT. LEMONTAYS HOME (BACKYARD) - NIGHT

A party is taking place. LeMontay walks up to JONAH HILL.

LEMONTAYJonah Hill! What up, homey?

JONAH HILLLeMontay! Whats cracking?

LeMontay gives him a hip hop handshake / hug.

LEMONTAYMan--I love you, bro. You a legend.I love you almost as much as I lovethat guy who played McLovin.

JONAH HILLUh. Thanks?

LEMONTAYSo what did you think of my movie?

JONAH HILLIt was, uh, great.

LEMONTAYHow many times have you seen it?

JONAH HILLOnce.

LEMONTAYHow come just once?

JONAH HILLBecause it just premiered. Youknow. We all came here from thepremiere.

LEMONTAYYo--let me ask you this. Do youever watch award shows?

JONAH HILLUh. Yeah.

LEMONTAYDont you hate it when theres somesort of award, and it goes tosomeone whos not me? You know whatI mean? Youre watching TV, andthey say, like, "The Country Music

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7.

LEMONTAY (contd)Award for Best Album goes to...Garth Brooks." And then you think,"Oh--hell no! What about LeMontayRedmond?"

JONAH HILLYoure not a country music artist.

LEMONTAYMy music transcends allgenre-fications. You cantcategorize the lunimosity of mylyrics or the bestiality of mybeats--you know what Im saying?

JONAH HILLI dont think anyone knows whatyoure saying.

LEMONTAYThe point is, all awards should goto me. I should just get up onstage and say, "Welcome to the 1stAnnual Daily LeMontay RedmondAwards. Im your host, LeMontayRedmond. The LeMontay Redmond awardfor LeMontay Redmond goes toLeMontay Muthafuckin Redmond." Youknow what Im saying? Thats alegitimate awards show. Not onewhere Billy Crystal reads ateleprompter, and then some whitemotherfucker like Jonah Hill getsan award for some dumbass movie hewas in.

JONAH HILLUm. Im Jonah Hill.

LEMONTAYI know. I love you, man. You alegend. "It doesnt even have afirst name! It just says McLovin!"

JONAH HILLUh. OK. Well. Great party. I lovethe biscuits and caviar and gravy.Im gonna go say hi to Seth Rogen.

LEMONTAYYo--can you get me a role in 23Jump Street?

8.

JONAH HILLIll put in a good word for you.

LEMONTAYAnd what about the Godfather 4?

JONAH HILLUm--Im not in that one.

LEMONTAYYes you is, motherfucker! The twoof us are gonna film the Godfather4 right now in my livingroom. Youre gonnaplay Michael Corleone, and Imgonna play Nelson Nandela.

INT. MOVIE REVIEW SHOW - DAY

BILL (50, white) and JIM (50, white) are seated on a TV set.

JIM...Gandhi 2 isnt Jim Carreys bestfilm--but I do like the way hemanages to capture the physicalhumor that Mahatma Gandhi was sowell known for. I give the moviethree and a half stars.

BILLMe, too--except I give the movieone star, because its fuckingstupid. OK. Next up is rapperLeMontay Redmonds debut film,Bitches and Champagne. It wasco-written by Redmondhimself--which might explain whythe movies called Bitches andChampagne, and why theres a scenewhere Redmonds character stares athis ass in a mirror for 27minutes. And that brings up thefollowing question. Whats worseabout this movie: A--the writing,or B--Redmonds acting?

JIMId say C--the 188 minute run time,and D--all of the above. This moviemade me hate black people--which ispretty amazing, considering how forthe past 23 years, Ive been

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9.

JIM (contd)happily married to a blackwoman--my soul mate, Cheryl. Imactually gonna file for divorceafter todays show. And Im gonnacall up Washington DC, and see if Ican switch my 2012 vote from BarackObama to David Duke. So Bill, whatdo you hate most about blackpeople?

BILLWell. Im still OK with blackpeople. In fact, Ive been sleepingwith your wife for the past threeyears. But getting back toRedmonds movie, I really tookissue with the fact that every fiveminutes, Redmonds character killsa white man or sleeps with a whitewoman--and none of the killings orthe sex has any relevance to theplot. Not to mention the fact thatthere is no plot.

INT. BENTLEY - DAY / EXT. STREET - DAY

Randy is driving, while Calvin is in the passengers seat,and LeMontay and Chuck are in the backseat.

LEMONTAY(to Chuck)

So, how much money did my moviemake yesterday?

CHUCKWell. Um. You know. It took inmoney. And its a movie. That tookin money. Just like how Titanic andAvatar are movies that took inmoney. Yo man--you want to get somebiscuits and caviar and gravy?

LEMONTAYWell how much money did my movietake in?

CHUCKWell. Uh. 125...

10.

LEMONTAY125 billion dollars?

CHUCKWell. Yes and no. Yes it was 125,and no it wasnt billion.

LEMONTAYSo. Million.

CHUCKThous...

LEMONTAYThousillion. 125 thousillion.

CHUCKUh. Pretty much. Except it wasnt125 thousillion so much as it was125 thous-ind.

LEMONTAYInd? That dont sound like nonumber one movie.

CHUCKUh. Well. You know what? It was thenumber one movie in Shuquasia.

LEMONTAYWhat the fuck is Shuquasia?

CHUCKIts, uh--its a continent.

LEMONTAYWell if the movie did so well inShuquasia, then how come it onlymade $125,000?

CHUCKWell. You know. Its the exchangerates between Shuquasian currencyand the US dollar. Because theShuquasian deutschmark aint got asmuch deutsch-ness as it used to.

LEMONTAYWell. How did the movie do inAmerica? Was it in the top five?

11.

CHUCKWell. Yes and no. Yes it was in thetop 37, and no it wasnt in the topfive. But, you know. It was numberone in Shuquasia.

LEMONTAYFuck Shuquasia! What was number onein America?

CHUCKPenguin Power.

LEMONTAYPenguin?! Im gonna handle thisshit.

(to Randy)White boy at the back of the bus. Ineed you to drive me to work.

RANDYYou mean the recording studio?

LEMONTAYNah, nigga. Im fiin to get myselfa new job.

INT. MOVIE THEATER (TICKET STAND) - DAY

A WOMAN and her two CHILDREN (6, 8) are at the front of theline

WOMANOne adult and two children forPenguin Power.

LeMontay is working the ticket booth.

LEMONTAYNah. You dont want to see thatshit. You dont want to see a bunchof penguins having gay sex. Youwant to see my movie.

WOMANMy kids want to see Penguin Power.

LEMONTAYListen, lady. I aint bullshittinghere. You better watch my movie,and not some Peter piper PenguinPower ridiculousness.

12.

WOMANYour movie isnt a childrensmovie.

LEMONTAYIm done talking to you.

(to 6 year old Child)Yo. What movie do you want to see?

CHILD 1Penguin Power.

LEMONTAYBut Im not in Penguin Power.

CHILD 1Youre a pee pee head.

LEMONTAYWhat did you say?!

CHILD 1Youre a pee pee head.

LEMONTAYYou better get your preschool assin that theater and watch my movie.

CHILD 1Im not in preschool. Im inkindergarten.

LEMONTAYWell who the hell graduated yourass from preschool? You clearlydont know shit. I should beat yourass.

(to Woman)(flirtatiously)

So, uh--what are you doing latertonight? If you drop by my crib at7:30, Ill let you let me have sexwith you.

WOMAN(offended)

You just threatened to beat mykids ass.

LEMONTAY(oblivious)

Right. So bring him with you, andIll beat his ass after we havesex.

13.

She takes some pepper spray out of her purse, and sprays himin the eye. He reels from it, and rubs his eyes.

The theaters MANAGER (male, white, 40) walks up toLeMontay.

MANAGERExcuse me. You dont work here.

LEMONTAYWhy? Because Im black?

MANAGERNo. Because youre not one of myemployees.

INT. BENTLEY - DAY / EXT. STREET - DAY

RANDYSo how was work?

LEMONTAYYo, man. Take me to Shuquasia.

CHUCKUh. Why do you want to go toShuquasia?

LEMONTAYI have the number one movie there.I want to watch it with all of myShuquasian fans.

CHUCKWell, uh--you cant go toShuquasia.

LEMONTAYWhy not?

CHUCKYou know. Cuz, uh, its, uh,they--in Shuquasia, theres, um, alot of... uh... communism. Its acommunist country.

LEMONTAYI thought you said Shuquasia was acontinent.

14.

CHUCKIts both. Like Australia.Shuquasia is a country and acontinent, and they got kangaroosand boomerangs, and crappycommunist currency, with picturesof kangaroos and boomerangs on it.

LEMONTAY(to Randy)

You know what? I got a betteridea. Take me to kindergarten.

RANDYYoure gonna get yourkindergarten degree?

LEMONTAYIm a PhD, nigga! Im going tokindergarten to deal with the rootof all of this Penguin Powerbullshit.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

LeMontay, Chuck, Calvin, and Randy walk into a classroom,and see a TEACHER (female, 40, black).

LEMONTAYYo. Is this kindergarten?

TEACHERYes.

LEMONTAYAre you the teacher?

TEACHERYeah.

LEMONTAYYoure not educating your studentsproperly.

CHUCK(to Teacher)

Thats right! Youre not educatingyour students properly.

TEACHER(to LeMontay and Chuck)

What makes you say that?

15.

LEMONTAYBecause they dont know jack shitabout George Washington Carver, andthey want to watch some dumb assmovie about penguins, instead of mydumb ass movie about alize.

CHUCKAlize!

TEACHER(to LeMontay)

Is your dumb ass movie a childrensmovie?

LEMONTAYWhy do people keep on asking methat shit?

TEACHERBecause you want children to seeyour movie.

LEMONTAYIts not a childrens movie per se.Its a movie movie that containsstuff that kids should see.

TEACHERLike what?

LEMONTAYLike the scene where I pour alizeon a stripper. So listenup. Tomorrow at 12...

CHUCKYou better make it 2. You know.Since you usually dont wake upuntil 1.

LEMONTAYRight. Yeah.

(to Teacher)Tomorrow at 2, get all of thisschools students in theauditorium, so I can tell themwhats what, and teach them whatthey need to learn. Oh. And Illbring the alize and the stripper.

16.

TEACHERUm. Im afraid we cant let youspeak in front of the students, orget within 100 yards of them, youfreaking lunatic.

LEMONTAYIts because Im black, isnt it?

TEACHERUm. Im black, too. So is ourprincipal.

LEMONTAYHe sounds like a real Uncle Tom.

TEACHERHes the civil right leader whobailed Rosa Parks out of jail inthe 60s.

LEMONTAY... You want to call me anigga--dont you?

TEACHERNo.

LEMONTAYAn internal nigga is more racistthan an external nigga.

TEACHERWhat the hell are you talkingabout?

LEMONTAYBreak yo self!

She takes a bottle of pepper spray out of her purse, andsprays LeMontay in the face.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL OFFICE - DAY

LeMontay, Chuck, Calvin, and Randy walk into a high Schooloffice where a SECRETARY and PRINCIPAL ROBINSON (male, 60)are working.

LEMONTAYWhat up, Hartville High? Im back.

(to Principal Robinson)

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17.

LEMONTAY (contd)Principal Robinson. What up homey?Its me--LeMontay Redmond. Class of96, baby.

CALVINAnd its me, CalvinCritterion--Class of 97.

CHUCKAnd me, Chuck Robinson--Class of98.

LEMONTAY(to Chuck)

Nigga--you aint in no Class of 98.You didnt even go to this school.And youre only 25. I should takeyour young ass back to thatkindergarten.

PRINCIPAL ROBINSONLeMontay. Youre not exactly partof the class of 96.

LEMONTAYWhat makes you say that, nigga?

PRINCIPAL ROBINSONBecause you didnt graduate, andyou used your textbook pages toroll marijuana cigarettes.

LEMONTAYAnyways, Im gonna talk to all yourstudents today. You know. Im gonnaeducate them and shit, since youniggas obviously aint doing a goodjob.

PRINCIPAL ROBINSON(to LAURA THE SECRETARY)

Laura--can I see your purse for asecond?

LAURAUh--sure.

She hands him her purse. He takes a bottle of pepper sprayout of hit, and sprays LeMontay in the face.

18.

LEMONTAYYo, man! Someone get me some milkto put in my eyes, so I cancounteract all this pepper shit.

CHUCKWhere am I gonna get milk?

LEMONTAYThis is a school, nigga. Just go tothe cafeteria.

CHUCKOK. You want lowfat, whole milk, orchocolate milk?

LEMONTAYWhole milk!

CHUCKYou want me to get you a donut,too?

LEMONTAYJust get the milk, motherfucker!

INT. TODAY SHOW SET - NIGHT

LeMontay is seated across from Matt Lauer.

MATT LAUERAlright. Welcome to a specialedition of the Today Show, thatwere filming at 8 pm, because myguest LeMontay Redmond didnt wantto get up early in the morning.

LEMONTAYRacist.

MATT LAUERAnyways. Lets talk about yourmovie Bitches and Champagne. Itdidnt do particularly well at thebox office.

LEMONTAYWell--its an art film. Soartistically speaking, we weregoing after art offices, and notbox offices. Do I look like someonewhose office is a box? I dont work

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19.

LEMONTAY (contd)in a cardboard box. Im an artist.I dont care about ticket sales.

MATT LAUERAlright. Lets talk about your newalbum, Bitches, Champagne and Hos.It finished number one on theBillboard charts.

LEMONTAYWell--I think thats a testament tohow great of an album it is. Theproof is in the pudding, and thepudding is in the record sales, andthe record sales are through theroof--so I got proof, and I gotpudding. The Billboard numbersdont lie. I believe in two Bills:Billboard, and Bill Clinton. Wegotta remodel Mount Rushmore, soits Bill Clinton, Obama, GeorgeWashington Carver, me, and NelsonNandela. But I aint here to talkabout my politics, or my album.

MATT LAUERThen what are you here to talkabout?

LEMONTAYWe need to free Shuquasia from thechains of communism, so that we caninject some deutsch intotheir deutschmarks.

MATT LAUERWhat?

LEMONTAYActually, what I meant to say was,Im here to talk about how oureducational system is garbage. Iwrote a song about it.

(rapping)School dont teach you nuthinbout nuthin / Youd be better offreading a pumpkin / K through 12,and youre ignorant / Cant make adollar out of 15 cents / A dime anda nickel / Pumpernickel / Bread,with no butter / Word to yourmother

20.

MATT LAUEROK. So what exactly are you saying?

LEMONTAYEvery time I try to reformeducation, I end up getting peppersprayed in the eye. But you knowwhat? No more pepper spray.

He puts on a pair of goggles.

LEMONTAYI, LeMontay Redmond, am gonnarevolutionize education in Americaby starting the LeMontay RedmondSchool of Education. Its a schoolwhere we teach you education, andlearning, and educationally, weteach you and educate you. Both.

MATT LAUERSo where exactly is this schoolgonna be?

LEMONTAYIt aint gonna be nowhere. I got abetter plan in mind.

INT. SESAME STREET SET - DAY

BIG BIRDToday were gonna learn aboutfarms.

LeMontay walks up to Big Bird and punches him in the face.

LEMONTAYNo were not, motherfucker! Imputting an end to your bullshiteducational system.

BIG BIRDSo you dont want to learn aboutfarms?

LEMONTAYDo I look like old MacDonald? Doyou hear a quack quack here and aquack quack there? Aint no quackquacks up in this motherfucker.Kids dont need to know aboutfarms. Look at me. Im LeMontay

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21.

LEMONTAY (contd)Redmond. Im the wealthiest, mostsuccessful person on the planet.And the only thing I know aboutfarms is that thats where theygrow citrus fruit and biscuits andcaviar and gravy.

(to camera)Anyways, children. Today, UncleLeMontay is gonna teach you why youshouldnt watch a dumb ass movieabout penguins.

(to Big Bird)Wheres Elmo?

BIG BIRDHes, uh, over there.

LEMONTAYElmo! Get your ass over here,nigga.

ELMOHi, everybody.

LEMONTAYElmo. Tell all of our viewers whypenguin movies are bullshit.

ELMOUm. I thought we were gonna talkabout farms.

LEMONTAYDo I look like a bucket of gravy toyou? We aint talking about nofarms. Now tell our viewers whypenguin movies are bullshit.

ELMOBut Elmo likes penguin movies.

LEMONTAYElmos about to get his ass kicked.

INT. MOVIE THEATER (TICKET STAND) - DAY

LeMontay is once again working the ticket stand. AnotherWOMAN with two CHILDREN is at the front of the line.

22.

WOMAN 2One adult and two children forPenguin Power.

LEMONTAYPenguin Power? But I done educatedkids on how penguin movies arebullshit.

WOMAN 2My kids want to see Penguin Power.

LEMONTAYYour kids aint educated.

(to Kids)Kids--dont you want to see mymovie Bitches and Champagne?

CHILD 3Arent you the guy who was onSesame Street?

LEMONTAYYeah. Thats me. LeMontay Redmond.Uncle LeMontay.

CHILD 3You punched Elmo. Youre a pee-peehead.

CHILD 4Yeah--youre a pee pee head.

LEMONTAY(to Woman)

Yo--you want to have sex?

The Woman take a bottle of pepper spray out of her purse andsprays LeMontay in the eyes.

LEMONTAYYo kids! Can you bring UncleLeMontay some milk?

MANAGERI thought I told you to get thehell out of my theater!

LEMONTAYWhy? Because Im black?