Conflict is …

Conflict occurs when people have needs or concerns that appear to

be incompatible.

Conflict is a difference of opinion.

Conflict management describes the approach of dealing with a conflict by trying to manage it, without necessarily having each party use the same method or process.

Conflict resolution describes the approach of working together to create a solution that satisfies the needs and concerns of all parties involved.

• Create a unproductive culture through boring, meaningless meetings

• Operate in the backdrop of covert politics and personal attacks

• Ignore controversial topics that are critical to collective success

• Fail to access all the opinions and perspectives of individuals

• Decrease productivity through disingenuous posturing, manipulating others’ perceptions, and interpersonal risk management

Groups Fearing and Avoiding Conflict:

• Engage in meaningful meetings and conversations• Extract and exploit the best thinking of all team

members• Solve real and important problems quickly• Minimize politics and maximize productivity • Discuss significant and meaningful topics

Groups Embracing Conflict and Debate:

Types of Conflict

Company Policy

Critical Issues

Common Disagreements

Activity – TKI Assessment

Complete the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument according to the directions in the booklet. When complete, score your results.

Conflict Handling Modes

Assertiveness is the attempt of the individual to meet their own needs.

Cooperativeness is the attempt of the individual to meet the needs of the other person.

Conflict Handling ModesCompeting “The ends justify the means.”

“My way or the highway.”

Accommodating “Kill your enemies with kindness.”“It would be my

pleasure.”

Avoiding “Leave well enough alone.”“Let’s discuss it

later.”

Collaborating “Two heads are better than one.”

Compromising“Let’s split the difference.”“Let’s make a

deal.”

Leave Well Enough Alone

Kill with Kindness

Two Heads Better than One

Might Makes Right

TKI Model

Concern for Others:Cooperativeness

ConcernFor Self:Assertiveness

Competitive(win)

Collaborative(win-win)

Avoidance(delay)

Accommodating(yield)

Compromise(find middle ground)

Split the Difference

Coaching is facilitating another person’s learning, performance,

development, and ability to change.

Flawless Coaching – 8 Key ConversationsWhat outcomes/results are required by when?What progress has been made?To what extent is this worthy of your pursuit?What are the vital-few breakthrough behaviors that will

produce required outcomes?What critical decisions and disciplines are strongly linked to

the required outcomes?In what ways will resistances and obstacles be navigated?What is the accountability process for progress reflection

and evaluation?What are the next steps and when is our next check-in?

Typical Coaching Situations

New To Position or Team

Performance Issue

Groups

Development Opportunity

Coaching Methods Every coaching conversation is different and requires its own unique set of

methods or techniques from the manager. The following list provides leaders with some tools to have effective coaching sessions.

• Educate / Inform

• Champion / Sponsor

• Encourage / Support

• Counsel / Guide

• Confront

The SHARE ModelS Situation – Provide a “place in time” that can be easily identified.

Positive Feedback Constructive FeedbackIn the staff meeting last week… On Thursday afternoon…

HA How it was Approached – Describe the exact behavior that was observed.

You agreed to track the concerns around the new employee orientation program and provide an early update to the Human Resource Manager.

Susan from accounting said it took over ten days to get a response back, and that was after leaving three emails and two voice mail messages.

R Result – Describe the importance of the behavior, the contribution or thedetraction it caused.

Your work made it possible for us to provide documented feedback to the program.

Susan is now reluctant to use us in future project work.

E Expectation – What behavior do they need to reinforce or redirect?

I really appreciate your work and your commitment to this project. It really helped us all.

Please let me know in advance if you have trouble connecting with Susan or anyone else in that department.

Employee Interaction

Be accessible and approachable

Understand by listening

Treat the person respectfully

State your position

Characteristics of Effective Feedback•Specific•Based on Behavior•Timely•Frequent•Balanced•Constructive•Accurate

Partnering to release trapped value in leaders, teams, and organizations

SM

What you think and feel…

What you SAY…

You are CRAZY – there is no way we can possibly do that…

He doesn’t handle the truth well, I need to be positive here and manipulate his opinion of me

Sure, No problem. This is really a good idea. I will work out the details of the implementation.

Unintended Nonproductive Consequences…

7 % Verbal38% Vocal (volume, pitch, rhythm)55% Body Movement (mostly facial)

Listening is 93% non-content

Communication is Not Content Oriented

Six Purposes for Human Communication

1. Get needs met2. Figure things out3. Make sense of ambiguous situations4. Gain advantage5. Build collaborative relationships6. Express and understand ourselves

• I’m Good – I am the hero of my stories• I’m Good (But you’re not)• You’re Good (But I’m not)• I’m Helpless, I Suffer• I’m Blameless• I’m Fragile• I’m Tough• I Know it All

Hidden Agendas are dysfunctional tacit assumptions that we assume help us:1) to build up and support your position in the world2) to promote ulterior motives and needs.

Hidden Agendas

• Comparing – You don’t allow all data in because you’re too busy seeing if you measure up

• Mind Reading – You distrust what people say, trying to figure out what they really mean• Rehearsing – You don’t have time to listen when you are rehearsing what you are going

to say next• Filtering – Selectively listen to only high-priority emotional issues and mind-wander

during the rest• Judging – Negatively label people or messages either prior or in midstream

communication• Dreaming – Half-listening; topics brought up trigger memories that you dive into• Identifying – Refer everything back to your own experience & you interrupt to tell your

stories• Advising – You are the great problem-solver, and you typically miss the person’s feelings

& pain• Sparring – You are arguing and debating with everyone – i.e. put-downs; compliment

discounting• Being Right – Avoid criticism or being wrong at all costs – twist facts, shouting,

accusations, etc.• Derailing – Suddenly changing the subject – i.e. joking it off – using humor to derail the

conversation• Placating – Right...Right...Yes. Wanting people to like you, you agree with everything

instead of listening

Listening Derailers

• All or Nothing – if a situation is short of perfect it must be a total failure• Overgeneralization – single events are interpreted as never-ending patterns with the use of

“always” or “never”• Mental Filtering – single negative details are dwelt on excessively, negatively distorting

remembrance of complete & balanced reality• Discounting the Positive – the outright rejection of positive experiences. Creates residues of

joylessness & inadequacy• Jumping to Conclusions – “Mind-Reading” is arbitrarily (without knowing) concluding that

someone is reacting negatively to you. “Fortune-Telling” is the prediction of worse-case scenarios

• Magnification – the exaggeration of personal problems/shortcomings and the minimization of desirable qualities

• Emotional Reasoning – assuming that negative emotions / fears reflect reality• “Should” Statements – telling yourself that things “should” be different than the experience of

reality. Directed against the self “should” = guilt and frustration, directed against others “should” = anger

• Labeling - #1 in the extreme – “I/they = losers”• Personalization – holding yourself responsible for an event not entirely under your control• Blame – holding others responsible for your problems.

Twisted Thinking

Non-Verbal Listening

• Non-judgmental, non-defensive thinking and behavior• Avoid assumptions • Move toward to other• Lean forward• Uncross arms & legs• Make eye contact• Project warmth and stay focused mentally• Smile• Let your responses show on your face• Be comfortable with pauses, silence, and strong emotion

Methods 1. Observations2. Thoughts3. Feelings4. Needs 

Attributes 1. Direct2. Immediate3. Clear, complete, accurate4. Straight5. Supportive, caring, compassionate

 

The Progression to Connection: 1. Interest – that which engages, arouses, and

persuades 

2. Attention – a condition of readiness involving a selective narrowing or focusing of consciousness and receptivity

 3. Focus – concentrated and directed attention 4. Connection – synchronous mutual attachment at

multiple layers and levels