LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT @ IMPACT

Leadership Skills – How to Effectively Handle Conflict

04/06/2010Wilson, Michael Todd and Hoffmann, Brad; Preventing Ministry Failure; Intervarsity Press; copyright 2007; pp. 239-244. Williams, Ken; Strengthening Your Interpersonal Skills, copyright 2002; pp. 107-125

Four key ingredients to effective leadership:

• Loving God and His people are non-negotiable, fueling our capacity to minister to others in the most crucial (i.e., heart-level) ways.

• The Lord uses vision to lead us forward, sometimes in new, unexpected ways.

• Conflict resolution promotes team unity, which glorifies Him (John 17:23) and empowers us to accomplish the mission God has entrusted to us.

• A team-minded ministry values others and their input, viewing differences as complementary, not threats.

• Today we will further “unpack” CONFLICT RESOLUTION!

Confronting vs. Managing Conflict

• CONFRONTING is needed when someone is sinning and/or is doing something that offends or hurts you.

• MANAGING CONFLICT is needed when there is a disagreement on an issue.

• We can only experience healthy, close relationships as we manage our conflicts well.

How does this Scripture highlight God’s deep desire for unity?

• I Cor. 1:10 (NASB) – “Now I exhort you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all agree and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be made complete in the same mind and in the same judgment.”

• I Cor. 1:10 (ESV) – “I appeal to you, brothers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all agree and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and in the same judgment.”

What does this Scripture teach us about managing conflict?

• Ephesians 4:32 (NASB) – “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

• Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)– “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Reflection Questions: Set #1

• List areas of conflict you’re presently facing: a) within personal relationships; b) with other ministry leaders; and c) with those you lead.

• Based on the two passages we just looked at:– What motivates you to resolve these conflicts?– Which action step(s) is the Lord leading you to

take?

Core Beliefs about Managing Conflict Well

• Conflict is normal in close relationships. Accepting this as a normal part of life helps us deal with it better.

• Healthy relationships cannot be built on a 50/50 philosophy. Consider the love described in I Cor. 13:1-7patient, kind, not irritable or resentful.

• A commitment to mutual honesty is essential. • High stress often lowers our tolerance for conflict.

Don’t deal with major issues when you’re overloaded with other stresses.

Core Beliefs about Managing Conflict Well (con’t)

• Spiritual resources are vital for managing conflicts: Pray for each other in the midst of conflict; meditate on God’s Word; seek out godly counsel from others.

• Methods of managing conflict can be different between cultures. Identify and discuss such differences before conflict arises.

• Disagreements can be an opportunity to build another up. Share specific ways in which you appreciate your teammate’s differences.

Reflection Questions: Set #2

• How do your core beliefs about conflict compare to the ones we’ve just discussed?

• (Conflict is normal; requires mutual honesty and use of spiritual resources; a 50/50 perspective or excessive stress cripple conflict resolution; cultural differences may impact how we address conflict; a time to edify)

• Which of these seem foreign to your current paradigm? Let’s ask the Lord to reshape our paradigm (as needed)!

These steps HELP RESOLVE CONFLICT:

• Take it to the Lord first. Ask Him to show you where you are wrong. However, do not run away from ongoing disagreements.

• Deal with conflicts as soon as possible. Feelings are like cement—they harden quickly.

• Keep to the present. Don’t bring up the past.• Concentrate on the main issue. Don’t bring

up other situations.

These steps HELP RESOLVE CONFLICT:

• Use “I” statements. State clearly how you feel, rather than attacking or blaming.

• Establish and observe “belt” lines. Avoid comments that are designed only to hurt. If you make such statements, stop and ask for forgiveness right away.

• Express your feelings appropriately. If you’re given to exploding, meet with the Lord first. Consider Proverbs 29:11.

These actions WORSEN conflict!

• Attacking each other’s character. Talk about behavior, not someone’s personality or character.

• Attempting to read someone’s mind. Don’t try to analyze another’s motives or thoughts.

• Making prophecies. Don’t predict how someone will probably act based on previous encounters.

• Responding with an attack. This will only escalate the tension, rather than lead to resolution.

These actions WORSEN conflict! (con’t)

• Trying to win. This usually involves getting your way at your teammate’s expense and destroys our unity in Christ.

• Seeking revenge. Revenge has no place in Christian relationships.

• Dumping your problem on other people. Avoid all gossip. If our motives are pure, we might seek out an unbiased friend who can suggest wise ideas for resolution.

Reflection Questions: Set #3

• Which of the “helpful” steps do you regularly implement?

• Which of the other steps do you need to begin practicing?

• Which of the “detrimental” steps are you more prone to take?

• How is the Lord leading you to adapt your style to promote effective conflict resolution?

A SUGGESTED STRATEGY

• 1/8 Take the issue to God. Ask Him: • “Is this disagreement something that I’m able

to let go of and not bring up again?”• “Is this an important issue, or a trivial one that

isn’t worth fighting for?”• “Am I willing to be honest and caring?”• “Am I ready to explore options for a mutually

agreeable solution?”

A SUGGESTED STRATEGY (con’t)

• 2/8 Bring up the issue.• “It looks like we disagree on this. When is a

good time to talk about it?” Timing is crucial. Agree when you can talk about it.

• 3/8 Explain the conflict. • Share what the disagreement is and how you

feel about it. Keep your statements short and simple. Address behavior, don’t attack.

A SUGGESTED STRATEGY (con’t)

• 4/8 Propose a tentative solution. • State what you would like to happen and how this could

benefit both of you.• The other person should restate in their own words

what they hear you say.• 5/8 The other person responds to you.• They deserve the same platform and amount of time

that you took to address the issue.• They may agree with you, disagree with you, or propose

other ideas or modifications.

A SUGGESTED STRATEGY (con’t)

• 6/8 Take an intermission if needed. • If an agreement isn’t reached quickly, let the issue rest

a day or two. Ask the Lord to reveal creative options that offer a win-win situation.

• 7/8 If there is any anger, ask for and grant forgiveness of each other. Express your mutual desire to avoid any form of resentment.

• 8/8 Afterwards review the conflict alone and together. What did you learn about the Lord? Yourself? The other person?

Reflection Questions: Set #4• Is there anything else I need to talk over with God first?

[i.e., the motives and feelings of my heart]• Do I have the essential issue clearly in mind and can I clearly

state it?• Have I considered which potential win-win solutions I can

offer this person?• In which ways can I positively approach and affirm my

teammate?• Am I prepared to listen to, respect, and work with their

perspective, even though it differs from mine?