Kenneth Wapnick - Forgiving the Abuser, Our Only Hope

8/13/2019 Kenneth Wapnick - Forgiving the Abuser, Our Only Hope

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Volume 17 Number 1 March 2006

FORGIVING THE ABUSER: OUR ONLY HOPE

K e n n e t h W a p n i c k , Ph . D .

A number of years ago I was asked by Dr. Lois Einhorn, Professor ofCommunication at the State University of New York, Binghamton, to contribute toher book: Forgiveness and Child Abuse: Would YOU Forgive?In form, the book ispatterned after Simon Wiesenthals The Sunflower,which presents the famedconcentration-camp survivor and Nazi-hunters experiences of being unable toforgive a young German soldier. The core of the book, however, consists ofresponses from various world figures as to how they would have responded if theywere in that situation. Lois book deals with her own child abuse, which by farexceeds in cruelty and viciousness any other account I have read or heard. Thebook has just been published and I am reprinting my response, which is one offifty-three. Those interested in purchasing Forgiveness and Child Abuse: Would YOU

Forgive?can do so by going to Lois Web site: loiseinhorn.com.

For this newsletter, I have included an Afterword that presents someadditional observations on this extremely important subject.

Forgiving the Abuser

Living in this world it is difficult to ignore the brutal facts of what RobertBurns referred to as mans inhumanity to man.The signs have always been with us,from the brutality of ancient Rome to the modern-day holocausts of Nazi Germany,Southeast Asia, Rwanda, and Bosnia; from the tortures committed in the name of

political or religious ideals to the all-too-common tales of child abuse and torture,such as we have in Lois Einhorns graphic portrayal of life in her psychological deathcamp. How to make sense of this is one of the greatest challenges to any observerof the human condition. And it does appear to be a particularly humancondition.Animals kill, but almost always out of physical need, not the psychological need of acruel sadist, intendingto bring harm, often brutally, to another. It is a biologicalfact that allliving things must feed off external sources to meet their survivalneeds, including food, water, oxygen, carbon dioxide, light, etc. It is also apsychologicalfact that human beings have a strong need to project the unconsciousdarkness of their self-hatred onto others. This crucial dynamic results in a condition

where they believe and then experience that they are able magically to escape thepain of this guilt or hatred by attacking othersverbally, behaviorally, in theirthoughts, or a combination thereof.

These dark forcesof hate, buried within all of us, can be reduced to our needto survivephysically andpsychologi- callya guilt-laden need which ultimately isthe expression of the principle that someone must lose if I am to gain. It is thisall-too-human tendency to find pleasure, satisfaction, and gain at the expense ofothers that runs like a blood-drenched thread throughout our history, both associeties and as individuals. The clear fact that a vicious minority blatantly lives thisout does not obviate the presence of those same tendencies in all of us. Freuds

systematic study of the dynamic of projectionwherein we see outside what wefind unacceptable insidehelps us to understand how this phenomenon of projectedhate operates in everyones unconscious. A Course in Miracles,a contemporaryspiritual thought system that builds upon Freuds psychodynamic insights, offers usa spiritual perspective that does full justice to our physical/psychological experience


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in the world, at the same time affirming our Identity as spirit, the true Self thattranscends this material world entirely, as does, of course, our Creator,transcending the dualistic and illusory world of good and evil, victim and victimizer,life and death.

A Course in Miraclesteaches that projection makes perception, that theworld is the outside picture of an inward condition (T-21.in.1:1,5). Therefore, ourperceptionsof an external situation reveal the thoughts in our minds that we wishto deny. It goes without saying that, for example, accusing someone of being asinner because of rape does not mean that I am accusing myself of the specificformof rape. However, the meaningof such an aggressive act is surely in me aswellthe need at times to dominate another through sheer force of will or physicalstrength in order to have my desires fulfilled; not caring about the other person,but only myself. Again, that tendency may not be nearly as extreme or as violent inexpression as sexual rape, but it exists in all of us nonetheless. And it is our guiltover such a wish that finds its projected scapegoat in actual rapists. Their blatantsin nicely serves this need of finding a suitable object for projection, obscuringthe fact of our common unity both aschildren of the flesh and of the spirit. In the

words of Harry Stack Sullivan, the founder of the School of InterpersonalPsychiatry: We are all much more simply human than otherwise.... Unfortunately,being simply human carries with it not only the capacity for fulfilling our highestaspirations of love and unity, but also our lowest. As Sullivans statementcontinues: ... be we happy and successful... miserable and mentally disordered, orwhatever. The challenge to us is that our common humanity for good and evilis not always so readily apparent.

While in her middle teens, Anna Freud took a walk with her famous father,and as they passed by some beautiful Viennese homes Freud said to his daughter:You see those lovely houses with their lovely facades? Things are not necessarily

so lovely behind the facades. And so it is with human beings too. One might welladd allhuman beings to Freuds reference, an addition of which the father ofpsychoanalysis would almost certainly have approved, being so aware of the darkforceslurking within allmembers of our species.

If we are to fully realize our inherent wholeness as a spiritual creation of God,we must be willing to forgive, in the sense of looking first at the outer hatredtheprojection of the hatred within ourselvesand then beyond it to the love that trulyunites us all as one Self. Without this final step, we are condemned to what Freudcalled the repetition compulsion; in this case, being compelled as a species torepeat endlessly the cycle of guilt and hate, self-loathing and abuse, fear and

attack: the cruelty that has so characterized our history, both on the collective andpersonal levels. All clinicians are more than familiar with the cyclical pattern ofmany abused children growing up to become abusing adults. And the viciousvictim-victimizer cycle that is lived out by individuals sadly recapitulates itself in thelives of groups, large and small.

I would not be much of a psychologist if I were not aware of the destructiveconsequences of denial, and I am certainly not advocating pushing down memoriesand thoughts, feelings of hurt, humiliation, and rage, or attempting to overlookthem in the so-called spirit of forgiveness. Indeed, in so many instances some formof therapy is necessary as a means whereby people can first come to accept the

pain of what has been denied for so long. This is an essential step in the process offorgiveness, if one is going to eventually move beyond the painful, scar-filledmemories of the past to an integrated sense of self that alone can bring fulfillmentand happiness. Once again, we must not deny what has been done to us, but we allhave the capability to grow beyond a victimized self-concept to realize our true


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potential as whole beings. Thus we demonstrate to our abusers that regardless oftheir actions, they ultimately were not damaging to us, for we were able to use theexperience as a means for personal growth. Importantly, this does not meanallowing others, unchecked, to abuse us or others; the point here being our attitudetowards the attacker. One can certainly act in a firm, strong manner to preventattack and abuse withoutconcomitant feelings of hate or revenge.

A Course in Miraclesemphasizes that our perceptions are inherentlyinterpretative. In other words, while our sensory organs report back to us scenes ofhate, abuse, and suffering, these need not be instruments with the power todeprive us of our ability to grow, mature, and finally to attain inner peace, not onlypsychologically but spiritually as well. If these forms of darkness are accorded suchpower, then the responsibility lies notwith the events themselves, but with ourhaving made the event more powerful than the love of God our Source, our con-stant guide for growth and inspiration for change. This recognition becomes thebasis of true forgiveness: Nothing in the worldhowever reprehensible, repulsive,and vicioushas the power to take from us our inner peace and sense ofwholeness. Indeed, the only power that can accomplish this rests within our own

minds, which alone can choose peace or war, forgiveness or attack, love or hate.Such a principle presents an overriding challenge to us all, but it is a challenge thatwe know can be met, as in the inspiring examples of the Dutch Ten Boom sistersand the Viennese Victor Frankl during the Nazi Holocaust. Thus, we need not givethe events of our individual lives the power to deprive us of attaining the highestspiritual goal to which we can aspire: knowing, truly knowing,our Identity as spirit,part of the living and loving oneness of God. Extreme examples of brutality canafford us the opportunity of overcoming the easy temptation to hate, calling insteadon the Love within to teach us how to forgiveothers and thus ourselves.

A medieval legend provides us with a beautiful example of this vision of true

forgiveness, an ideal that we all should hope to achieve one day: Jesus and hisdisciples had gathered together to re-enact the Last Supper. They waited aroundthe table while one place remained vacant. Then Judas walked in. Jesus went overto him and greeted him warmly: Welcome, my brother. We have been waiting foryou. In the same vein, the third-century Christian philosopher Origen taught, inwords that did not endear him to the Church authorities, that even the devil wouldin the end be saved. In other words, every seemingly separated fragment of thespiritual creation of God would and will return Home, as Gods love can onlyembrace totality. Thus our forgiveness here in the world reflects the totality andoneness we all share as spirit.

In summary, then, Lois Einhorns disturbing example of an extreme form ofbrutal victimization affords us all still another opportunity to project ourinterpretationof events, giving them the power to destroy our vision of a commonhumanity. However, another way of looking at the situation is that we all are callingout for help, especially the sadistic victimizers, which reflects our common Identityas spirit. If God is truly love, then the wholeness of that love can have noexceptions. Thus it is that even the most heinous act demonstrates, if looked atkindly, the desperate call for help and love that lies just beneath its vicious form. Itis the same call that cries out in all of us. Learning to give that call a voice is alonewhat gives this world meaning. Leaving that call unheard carries the terrible risk of

perpetuating a life of justified hate that continually seeks to punish others ratherthan mercifully acknowledge our own need for mercy and forgiveness. In thesedays of world crisis we are all witnessing the horrific implications of notheedingthat call. Our only hopepersonally and collectivelylies in looking within at thehatred that joins us all in madness, which is at the same time the defense against


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the love that joins us all in sanity. In such hope is found the true Kingdom of God:a God of all-inclusive love, a God of perfect oneness, a God whose wholenessembraces totality, without exception.

Afterword

In our March 2004 newsletter, I amended musicologist H.C. Robbins-Landons

statement about Mozart to read:A Course in Miraclesis as good an excuse for mankinds existence as we shall ever

encounter and is perhaps, after all, a still, small hope for our ultimate survival.

The hopein Mozart andA Course in Miraclesis that despite the chaos ofthe world at large, not to mention our personal worlds, a light still shines in thedarkness of our minds (T-15.XI.2:1-2). For whatever other reasons people havebeen attracted to A Course in Miracles,and people can well be attracted for thewrong reasons, there is nonetheless something that breathes through its words towhich everyone resonates, whether they understand the Course fully or not, orwhether they even understand it at all. Jesus words offer hope because they come

from, and point to a reality beyond this world. His message of forgiveness is all themore relevant now that stories like Lois continue to emerge almost dailystoriesthat speak of unimaginable cruelty and abuse perpetrated on individuals, not tomention racial, religious, and political groups.

Any abuseindividual or collectiveis horrific, not only because of the crueltyinherent in the act itself, but because it reminds us of the abuse we all harborwithin our separated minds, of which we are mostly unaware. While people in theirright minds would never welcome abuse of any nature, once it has occurred it cannonetheless serve a holy purpose. As the Course says of specialness, which isalways abusive, regardless of its seemingly benign forms:

Such is the Holy Spirits kind perception of specialness; His use of what you made to

heal, instead of harm (T-25.VI.4:1).

In this regard, an extreme lesson is always helpful (T-6.in.2:1). Being almostimpossible to ignore, it can point to the ego thought system heretofore unknown tous, for the ego is kept virtually inaccessible, hidden and protected by the doubleshield of oblivion (W-pI.136.5:2): the minds decision for guilt, and its projection ofguilt into the material world of separate bodies. Moving beyond these twoseemingly impenetrable shields and gaining access to the memory of our true Selfburied in the minds shrouded vaults of fearis a daunting task, to say the least:

For the reality of guilt is the illusion that seems to make it heavy and opaque,impenetrable, and a real foundation for the egos thought system (T-18.IX.5:2).

Nonetheless, its impenetrable appearance is wholly an illusion (T-18.IX.6:2), and there isa way of moving beyond its walls of solid granite.However, it takes a radical shift in perception to move beyond the form to thecontent. This is the shift that rea- sonthe Holy Spirits right-minded thought offorgiveness brings about:

Sin [or guilt] is a block, set like a heavy gate, locked and without a key, across the road

to peace. ... The bodys eyes behold it as solid granite, so thick it would be madness to

attempt to pass it. Yet reason sees through it easily, because it is an error. ... Reason will tell

you that the form of error is not what makes it a mistake. ... The bodys eyes see only form.

They cannot see beyond what they were made to see ... unable to look beyond the granite

block of sin, and stopping at the outside form of nothing. ... Yet how can sight that stops at

nothingness, as if it were a solid wall, see truly? It is held back by form, having been made to


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guarantee that nothing else but form will be perceived (T-22.III.3:2,4-5; 5:1,3,4,6,8-9).

ThroughoutA Course in Miracleswe are not only taught that the body and itsworld are illusions, but that they serve a strategic purpose in the egos thoughtsystem of separation, diverting our attention from the minds decision for guilt,thereby preventing us from ever changing our minds. The more compelling theform of the errorextreme pain or pleasure, sin or holinessthe more attractive its

role as a defense. On the other hand, when the form is looked at through Jesusgentle eyes of love, it has no power to conceal the minds content: the original andonly mistake of choosing the egos abusive thought system of separation (kill or bekilledM-17.7:11) over the Holy Spirits healing thought system of Atonement(together, or not at allT-19.IV-D.12:8).

The fact remains, however, that given the nature of the body and ourexperiences within its shield, we cannot gain access to that ancient mistake, as weread in the manual:

Time really, then, goes backward to an instant so ancient that it is beyond all memory,

and past even the possibility of remembering (M-2.4:1).

Yet we can remember it indirectly by recognizing that we continually repeatour one error of choosing the ego over God, fear over love:

Each day, and every minute in each day, and every instant that each minute holds, you

but relive the single instant when the time of terror took the place of love (T-26.V.13:1).

Since we are all learning disabled, having consistently learned from the wrongteacher, it often takes a drastic situation to dislodge our rootedness in the egosthought system of victimization and blame. Abuse, while never the Will of the HolySpirit, can nonetheless be used by Him for a different purpose. In other words,once the decision-making mind has chosen its script, our gentle Teacher uses it to

lead us beyond the pain to the peace of God:The Holy Spirit takes you gently by the hand, and retraces with you your mad journey

outside yourself, leading you gently back to the truth and safety within. He brings all your

insane projections and the wild substitutions that you have placed outside you to the truth.

Thus He reverses the course of insanity and restores you to reason (T-18.I.8:3-5).

The ladder that the separation led us down (T-28.III.1:2) the course ofinsanitypasses through the wrong-minded thought system of abuse and ends inthe physical world of abuse, and so our journey with the Holy Spirit reverses theprocess as He leads us up the ladders rungs: the world, the wrong mind, the rightmind, to the One Mind of Heaven that is beyond the ladder entirely. He begins His

teaching where we believe we arein the abusive world of pain and suffering andhelps us realize that our perceptual world was made to harbor a secret wish (T-24.VII.8:8-10): the desire to exist as a separate entity with innocence as itsjustified face. In other words: We exist, but someone else is responsible for ourmiserable lot in life, for which our suffering is the guilt-inducing witness.It is theneed to reinforce this self-concept of the face of innocence (T-31.V. 1-2) that leadsus to cherish our abuse, as painful as it may be. This aspect of the egos plan callsfor us to suffer at the hands of others, yet we can see through the egos motives bythe tenacity with which we cling to our bitter memories, cherishing the scars fromwhat has been done to us. This is how one passage in the Course describes this

vicious insanity:But every pain you suffer do you see as proof that he [your abusing brother] is guilty

of attack. Thus would you make yourself to be the sign that he has lost his innocence, and

need but look on you to realize that he has been condemned. ... Whenever you consent to


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suffer pain, to be deprived, unfairly treated or in need of anything, you but accuse your

brother of attack upon Gods Son. You hold a picture of your crucifixion before his eyes, that

he may see his sins are writ in Heaven in your blood and death, and go before him, closing

off the gate and damning him to hell (T-27.I.2:2-3; 3:1-2).

Thus do we all walk this earth with our memories of past hurt and abuse,clinging to them as proof that we are innocent, and others guilty of our suffering to

the point that they would be condemned to hell, while we return to Heaven asGods innocent Son. And yet, even this secondary gain of demonstrating our unfairtreatment becomes too much to bear:

Tolerance for pain may be high, but it is not without limit. Eventually everyone begins

to recognize, however dimly, that there mustbe a better way (T-2.III.3:5-6).

This better wayis forgiveness, which calls upon us to change the purpose ofour lives from proving the reality of the separation to reflecting the oneness of ourcreation. Jesus teaches us that all people involved in our livesthe good and thebad, the abused and the abusersare part of the same Sonship to which webelong; indeed, to which we allbelong. The strong temptation to exclude our

abusers is the perfect opportunity to learn we but exclude ourselves.

I have from time to time quoted from Helen Schucmans first poem, TheGifts of Christmas. The opening lines are directly relevant to this issue:

Christ passes no oneby. By this you know

He is Gods Son. You recognize His touch

In universalgentleness. His Love

Extends to everyone.His eyes behold

The Love of God in everythingHe sees.

(The Gifts of God,p. 95; italics mine)If only the abused are to be pitied, if only the victims are the object of our

sympathy, then we maintain the reality of the fragmented Sonship, to the delight ofeveryones ego. Yet, if Jesus truth be accepted, the abuser and victimizer are asmuch in need of our pity and sympathy, for who but the uncertain, lonely andfearful (T-31.VIII,7:1) would ever seek to harm another, and who but theuncertain, lonely and fearful would ever wander here, so far from home? Indeed,who ishere but the uncertain, lonely and fearful? And so no onevictim orvictimizeris exempt from the vision of Christ, Who sees all Gods seeminglyseparated Sons as oneone wrong-minded ego; one right- minded Holy Spirit; one

decision maker.Therefore, if we are sincere about our desire to be forgiven and awaken from

this nightmare dream of separation, pain, and death, we must also be sincere aboutour willingness to practice the lessons that are the means of attaining this goal. It isthe allinclusive nature of forgiveness, which embraces all people without exception,that makes the practice of A Course in Miracles so difficult, and at the same timevitally important for our age. Jesus has called us to forgive as he does. Will weanswer? Nothing less than the fate of an abusive and abused world depends on it.

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Kenneth Wapnick - Forgiving the Abuser, Our Only Hope