Keeping Up With Lizzie

7/27/2019 Keeping Up With Lizzie

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KeepingupwithLizzie

IrvingBacheller


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KEEPINGUP

WITH

LIZZIE

BY

IRVINGBACHELLER

1910

TO

THELOVING

AND

BELOVED

MR.

ONEDEAR

IDEDICATE

THISLITTLEBOOK


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CONTENTS

CHAPTER I. IN WHICH THE LEADING TRADESMEN OFPOINTVIEWBECOMEABOARDOFASSESSORS

CHAPTER II. IN WHICH LIZZIE RETURNS TO HER HOME,HAVINGMETAQUEENANDACQUIREDANACCENTANDAFIANCE

CHAPTER III. INWHICH LIZZIEDESCENDS PROMAGREATHEIGHT

CHAPTERIV.INWHICHTHEHAMWARHASITSBEGINNING

CHAPTER V. INWHICH LIZZIE EXERTSAN INFLUENCEONTHEAFFAIRSOFTHERICHANDGREAT

CHAPTERVI.

IN

WHICH

THE

PURSUIT

OF

LIZZIE

BECOMES

HIGHLYSERIOUS

CHAPTER VII. IN WHICH THE HONORABLE SOCRATESPOTTERCATCHESUPWITHLIZZIE


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KeepingupwithLizzie

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CHAPTERI

INWHICHTHELEADINGTRADESMENOFPOINTVIEW

BECOMEA

BOARD

OF

ASSESSORS

TheHonorableSocratesPotterwas theonlyscientificman in thevillageofPointview,Connecticut.Ineverypointofmanhoodhewasfaraheadofhisneighbors.Inawayhehadoutstrippedhimself,for,while his ideas were highly modern, he clung to the dress andmannersthatprevailedinhisyouth.Heworebroadclotheveryday,andachoker,andchewedtobacco,andneverpermittedhisworktointerferewith theeven tenorofhisconversation.He loved theold

timesand

fashions,

and

had

adrawling

tongue

and

often

spoke

in

thedialectofhis fathers, loving thesoundof it.His satiricalmoodwassuretobeflavoredwithclippedwordsandchangedtenses.Thestrangeroftentookhimforahayseed,butonfurtheracquaintanceopenedhismouth inastonishment, forSoc.Potter,asmany calledhim,wasamanofinsightandlearningandofaqualityofwithereinrevealed.Heusedtocallhimselfanattorneyandpeacemaker,buthewasmore than that.Hewas the attorney and friend of all hisclients,andthephilosopherofhiscommunity.Ifonemanthreatened

anotherwith

the

law

in

that

neighborhood,

he

was

apt

to

do

it

in

theseterms,WellseewhatSoc.Potterhastosayaboutthat.

All right!Well see, the other would answer, andboth partieswouldbe sure to show up at the lawyers office. Then, probably,Socrateswouldtryhisfamouslockandkeyexpedient.Hewouldsitthem down together, lock the door, and say, Now,boys, I dontbelieveingettingtwelvemenforajobthattwocandobetter,andgenerallyhewouldmakethemagree.

He had an office over the store of SamuelHenshaw, andmade aspecialtyofdeeds,titles,epigrams,andwitticisms.

Hewasabachelorwho callednow and then at thehomeofMissBetseySmead,awealthyspinsterofPointview,butnothinghadevercomeofit.

He satwith his feet on his desk and hismind on the subject of

extravagance.When

he

was

doing

business

he

sat

like

other

men,

but

whenhisthoughtassumedadegreeofelevationhisfeetrosewithit.Hebeganhisstorybyexplainingthatitwasalltruebutthenames.


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This is theballoonage,saidhe,withamerry twinkle inhisgrayeyes.Theinventorhasledusintotheskies.Theodorofgasolineisinthepathoftheeagle.Ourthoughtsarebetweenearthandheaven;

ourprices

have

followed

our

aspirations

in

the

upward

flight.

Now

here is Sam Henshaw. Sam? Why, hes a merchant prince oPointviewgrocery businesshad a girlname o Lizziesmartandaspurtyasawaxdoll.DanPettigrew,thenoblestflowerotheyoungmanhoodoPointview,fellinlovewithher.Nowonder.Wewereall fondoLizzie.Theywereahansomecouple,an togetherabouthalfthetime.

Well,Sambegantoaspire,annothingwoulddoforLizziebutthe

Smytheschool

at

Hardcastle

at

seven

hundred

dollars

ayear.

So

they

riggedherupsplendid,anawayshewent.Promthatdayshesetthepaceforthiscommunity.DanhadtokeepupwithLizzie,andsohisfather,BillPettigrew,senthimtoHarvard.Othergirlsstartedintherace, an the firstwe knew therewas abig field in thismaidenhandicap.

Well,Samhadbeenaspirinforaboutthreemonths,whenhebeganto perspire. The extras up at Hardcastle had exceeded his

expectations.He

was

goin

ahot

pace

to

keep

up

with

Lizzie,

an

it

lookedasifhismoralswasmeltinaway.

Iwas in the northern part o the county one day, an saw somewonderful,big,red,tastyapples.

Whatyedoinwithyerapples?saysItothegrower.

Ive sent themost of em to SamuelHenshaw, oPointview, an

hessold

em

on

commission,

says

he.

Whatdoyegetforem?Iasked.

Twodollarsantencentsabarrel,sayshe.

The next time Iwent into Sams store therewere the same redapples that came out o that orchard in the northern part o thecounty.

Howmucharetheseapples?Isays.

Sevendollarsabarrel,saysSam.


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How is it thatyouget sevendollarsabarrelanonly return twodollarsantencentstothegrower?Isays.

Samstuttered

an

changed

color.

Id

been

his

lawyer

for

years,

an

IalwaystalkedplaintoSam.

Wal, the fact is, says he,with a laugh an awink, I sold theseapplestomyclerk.

Sam, yere wastin yer talents, I says. Go into the railroadbusiness.

Samwas

kind

o

shamefaced.

ItcostssomuchtoliveIhavetomakeadecentprofitsomewhere,sayshe.Ifyouhadadaughtertoeducate,youdknowthereason.

Iboughtabillogoods,annoticed thathamanbutterwereuptwo cents apound, an flour four centsa sack, another things inproportion. Ididntsayaword,but Isee thatSamproposed totaxthecommunity for theeducationo thatLizziegirl.Folksbegan to

complain,but

the

tax

on

each

wasnt

heavy,

an

agood

many

people

owedSamanwasnt inshape toquithim.ThenSamhad thebeststore in thevillage,an everybodywaskindoproudof it. Sowestood this assessment o Sams, anby a general tax paid for theeducation o Lizzie. She made friends, an sailed around inautomobiles, an spent a part o the Christmas holidayswith thedaughteroMr.BeverlyGottrichonFifthAvenue,anyoungBeverlyGottrichbroughtherhome inhisbigredrunabout.Oh, thatwasagreatdayinPointview!thatredrunaboutdayofourhistorywhen

thepitcher

was

broken

at

the

fountain

and

they

that

looked

out

of

thewindowstrembled.

DanPettigrewwashomefromHarvardfortheholidays,anheanLizziemetata churchparty.Theyheld theirheadsveryhigh,anseemedtodespiseeachotheraneverybodyelse.Wordwentaroundthatitwasalloffbetweenem.Itseemsthattheyhadriznotrisen,butrizfaraboveeachother.

Nowit

often

happens

that

when

the

young

ascend

the

tower

o

theiraspirationsanlookdownupontheearthitsaverageinhabitantseemsnolargertothemthanaredant.Sometimestheresnobodyinsightthat is, no realbodynothinbut clouds an rainbows an


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kingsanqueensantheirfamilies.NowLizzieanDanwerebothupin their towersan lookindown,an thatwasprobably the reasontheydidntseeeachother.

RightawayawarbeganbetweentherivalhousesoHenshawanPettigrew.ThefirstweknewSamwasbuildinanewhousewithatoweron itbyjingo!anhardwood finish insideanhalfanacrein thedooryard.The towerwas forLizzie. It signalizedher rise inthecommunity.ItputheroneflightaboveanybodyinPointview.

As thehouserose,upwentSamspricesagain. Iwentover to thestoreanboughtaweeksprovisions,anwhenIgotthebillIseethat

hedtaxed

me

twenty

nine

cents

for

his

improvements.

Imetoneomyfriends,anIsaystohim,Wal,Isays,Samisgointomakeuspayforhisnewhouseanlot.Samshamanflourhavejumpedagain.AsanassessorSamislikelytomakehismark.

Wal,whatdoyeexpect?sayshe.Lizzieisinhighsociety,anhesgot tokeepupwithher.Lizziemusthaveahomeproper tooneoherstation.DontbehardonSam.

Iaint, Isays. ButSamshouseought tobeproper tohisstationinsteadohers.

I hadjust sat down inmy officewhen Bill Pettigrew came inSamsgreatrivalinthegroceryanaspirationbusiness.Hedboughtanewautomobile,anwantedmetodrawamortgageonhishouseanlotfortwothousanddollars.

Youdbetter

go

slow,

Isays.

It

looks

like

bad

business

to

mortgageyourhomeforanautomobile.

Itsforthebenefitomycustomers,sayshe.

Somethingpurtyforemtolookat?Iasked.

Itwillquickendeliveries,sayshe.

Youcant

afford

it,

Isays.

Yes,Ican,sayshe.Iveputuppricestwentypercent.,anitaintagointobothermetopayforit.


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Oh,thenyourcustomersaregointopayforit!Isays,anyoureonlyaguarantor.

Iwouldnt

put

it

that

way,

says

he.

It

costs

more

to

live

these

days.Everythingisgoinup.

Includin taxes, I says to Bill, an went to work an drew hismortgageforhim,anhegothisautomobile.

Id intended to takemy trade tohisstore,butwhen Isaw thatheplanned to tax thecommunity forhis luxuries IchangedmymindandwentovertoEphHills.Hekepttheonlyotherdecentgrocery

storein

the

village.

His

prices

were

just

about

on

alevel

with

the

others.

Howdoyouexplainitthatpriceshavegoneupso?Iasked.

Why,theysayitsduetoanoverproductionogold,sayshe.

Lookstomelikeanoverproductionofargument,Isays.TheoldEarthkeepsshellinoutmoregoldevryyear,anthemoreshetakes

outo

her

pockets

the

more

Ihave

to

take

out

o

mine.

Wal,o course Ihad tokeep in line, so Iputup thepricesomyworkalittletobeinfashion.Everybodykickedgoodanplenty,annobodyworsen Sam anBill anEphraim,but I told emhow Idread that therewas somuch gold in theworld it kind o setmehankerin.

YeknowIhadtenacresowornoutlandintheedgeothevillage,

anwhile

others

bought

automobiles

an

such

luxuries

Iinvested

in

fertilizers anhired ayoungmanoutof an agricultural schoolanwenttofarmin.WithinayearIwasraisinallthemeatanmilkanvegetablesthatIneeded,ansellinasmuchagintomyneighbors.

Well,PointviewunderLizziewaslikeRomeunderTheodora.Theimmoralsothepeoplethroveangrew.Aspriceswentupdecencywentdown,anwisdomroseinvaluelikemeatanflour.Seemedsoeverybodythathadadollarinthebankansomethatdidntbought

automobiles.They

kept

me

busy

drawin

contracts

an

deeds

an

mortgagesansearchin titles,anocourse Iprospered.More thanhalfthepopulationconvertedpropertyintocashancashintofollyautomobiles, pianoplayers, foreign tours, vocal music, modern


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languages,an theaspirationsofotherpeople.Theywerepuffin itoneachother.Everymanhadadeepscheme formakin theotherfellowpayforhisfun.RemindsmeothatversefromZechariah, I

willshow

them

no

mercy,

saith

the

Lord,

but

Iwill

deliver

every

man into the hand of his neighbor.Now thebaronbusiness hasgenerallybeen lucrative,buthere inPointviewtherewas toomuchcompetition.Wewereallbarons.Everybodywas taxin everybodyelseforhisluxuries,annobodycouldsaveacentnobodybutmeanEphHill.Hedidntbuyanyautomobilesorbuildanewhouseorsendhisgirltotheseminary.Hekeptbothfeetontheground,butheputuphispricesalongwiththerest.ByanbyEphhadamortgageonabouthalf thehouses in thevillage.Thatshowedwhatwas the

matterwith

the

other

men.

Themerchantsallgotlivercomlaint.ThereweretwentymenthatIused toseewalkinhome to theirdinnereverydayordown to thepostofficeeveryevenin.Buttheydidntwalkanymore.Theyscudalongintheirautomobilesat twentymilesanhour,withthewholefamilyaround em.They lookedas if they thought thatnowat lasttheywerekeepinupwithLizzie.Theirhomeswereemptymostothetime.Thereadinglampwasneverlighted.Therewasnoseason

osocial

converse.

Every

merchant

but

Eph

Hill

grew

fat

an

round,

ancomplainedof indigestionansickheadache.Sam looked likeamoored balloon. Seemed so theirmorals grew fat an flabby anshiflessaninneedofexercise.Theirmoralstravelledtoo,buttheytravelled from mouth to mouth, as ye might say, an very fast.Morenhalfofemgiveupchurchanwentoffonthecountryroadsevery Sunday. All along the pike from Pointview to JerusalemCornersyecouldseewheretheydlaidhumblyontheirbacksinthedust,prayin toanewgodan tryin tosoftenhisheartwithoilor

openthe

gates

o

mercy

with

amonkey

wrench.

Billcameintomyshoponedayanlookedasifhehadntafriendintheworld.Hewantedtoborrowsomemoney.

Money!Isays.WhatmakesyethinkIvegotmoney?

Becauseyeaintgotanyautomobile,hesays,laughin.

No,Isays.

You

bought

one,

an

that

was

all

Icould

afford,


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KeepingupwithLizzie

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Itnever touchedhim.Hewenton asdryasaduck ina shower.Youreoneo the fewsensiblemen in thisvillage.You livewithinyermeans,anyououghttohavemoneyifyeaint.

Ivegotalittle,butIdontseewhyyoushouldhaveit,Isays.Youwantmetodoallthesavinforbothofus.

ItcostssomuchtoliveIcantsaveacent,hesays.YouknowIvegotaboyincollege,anitcostsfearful.ItoldmyboytheotherdayhowIworkedmywaythroughschoolanlivedonadollaraweekina little room an did my own washin. He says to me, Well,Governor,youforgetthatIhaveasocialpositiontomaintain.

Hes right, I says. Youcantexpecthim tobelong to thevarsitycrewantheDickeyantheHastyPuddinClubandressanbehavelikethesonofanordinarygrocerinPointview,Connecticut.Yecantliveonnutsanraisinsanbedecentinsuchaposition.Lookstomeas if itwould require the combined incomes o the grocer an hislawyer to maintain it. His position is likely to be hard on yourdisposition.Hes tryin to keep upwith Lizziethatswhats thematter,

ForamomentBilllookedlikealostdog.ItoldhimhowGrantanThomasstoodonahilltoponedayansawtheirmenbeinmoweddownlikegrass,anbyanbyThomassaystoGrant,Wal,General,wellhavetomovebackalittle;itstoohotfortheboyshere.

Imafraidyourboyspositioniskindofuncomftable,Isays.

Illwinout,hesays.Myboywillmarryansettledowninayear

orso,

then

hell

begin

to

help

me.

Butyoumaybekilledoffbeforethen,Isays.

IfmyfriendsllstandbymeIllpullthrough,sayshe.

Butyourfriendshavetheirownfamiliestostandby,Isays.

Lookhere,Mr.Potter,sayshe.YouvenosuchexpenseasIhave.

Youreable

to

help

me,

an

you

ought

to.

Ive

got

anote

comin

due

tomorrowannomoneytopayitwith.


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KeepingupwithLizzie

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Renew itan then retrench, I says. Cutdownyourexpensesanyourprices.

Cant,says

he.

It

costs

too

much

to

live.

What

ll

Ido

?

Yououghttodie,Isays,verymad.

Icant,sayshe.

Whynot?

Itcostssomuchtodie,hesays.Why,ittakesathousandollarsto

giveaman

adecent

funeral

these

days.

Wal,Isays,amanthatcantaffordeithertoliveordieexcitesmysympathy an my caution. Youve taxed the community for yerluxuries, an now ye want to tax me for yer notes. Its unjustdiscrimination.Itgivesmeakindofalonesomefeelin.YoutellyourboyDan tocomeanseeme.Heneedsadvicemore thanyouneedmoney,anIvegotafulllineofit.

Billwent

away

richer

by

acheck

for

afew

hundred

dollars.

Oh,

Ialwaysknowwhen Im losinmoney! Imnot likeothercitizenso

Pointview.

Dan came to seeme thenextSaturdaynight.Hewasabig,blueeyed, handsome, goodnaturedboy, an dressed like the son of amillionaire.Ibroughthimheretotheoffice,anhesatdownbesideme.

Dan,Isays,

what

are

your

plans

for

the

future?

Imeantobealawyer,sayshe.

Quitit,Isays.

Why?sayshe.

There are toomany lawyers.We dont need anymore. Theyre

devourinour

substance.

Whatdoyousuggest?


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KeepingupwithLizzie

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Bearealman.Wereonthevergeofasocialrevolution.Boyshavebeenleavingthefarmsangoingintothecitiestobegrandfolks.Theresult iswehave toomanygrand folksan too few real folks.The

tidehas

turned.

Get

aboard.

Idontunderstandyou.

America needswheat an corn an potatoesmore than it needsargumentsantheories.

Wouldyouhavemebeafarmer?heasked,insurprise.

Afarmer!

Isays.

Its

anew

businessan

exact

science

these

days.

Thinko thehighpricesan thecheap landwith itsproductivenessmorethandoubledbymodernmethods.Thecountry is longingforbig,brainymen towork its idle land. Soonwe shall not produceenoughforourownneeds.

ButImtoowelleducatedtobeafarmer,sayshe.

Pardonme, Isays. The land llsoakupall theeducationyouve

gotan

yell

for

more.

Its

great

need

is

education.

Weve

been

sending

thesmartboys to thecityankeeping the foolson the farm.Weveputeverythingonthefarmbutbrains.Thatswhatsthematterwiththefarm.

Butfarmingisntdignified,saysDan.

Pardonme agin, says I. Itsmore dignified to search for thesecretsoGod in thesoil than togrope for thesecretsoSatan ina

lawsuit.Any

fool

can

learn

Blackstone

an

Kent

an

Greenleaf,

but

thebookolawthatswritinthesoilisonlyforkeeneyes.

Iwantabusinessthatfitsagentleman,saysDan.

AnthefuturefarmercanbeasmuchofagentlemanasGodlllethim,saysI.Hellhaveasmanyservantsashistalentscanemploy.His incomewillexceed theearningso forty lawyers takenas theyaverage.Hispositionwillbe like thato therichplanterbefore the

war.

Well,howshallIgoaboutit?hesays,halfconvinced.


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KeepingupwithLizzie

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First stop tryin tokeepupwithLizzie, says I. Theway tobeatLizzie is to go toward the other end o the road. Ye see, youvedraggedyerfatherintotherace,anhesaboutwinded.Turnaround

anlet

Lizzie

try

to

keep

up

with

you.

Second,

change

yer

base.

Go

to

a schoolofagriculturean learn thebusinessjustasyoudgo toaschoolo lawormedicine.Beginmodest.Livewithinyermeans. IfyoudorightIllbuyyouallthelandyewantanstartyegoin.

WhenheleftIknewthatIdwonmycase.Inaweekorsohesentmealettersayingthatheddecidedtotakemyadvice.

Hecametoseemeoftenafterthat.Thefirstweknewhewasgoin

withMarie

Benson.

Marie

had

areputation

for

good

sense,

but

right

awayshebegantotakeafterLizzie,anstruckatolerablygoodpace.WenttoNewYorktostudymusicanperfectherselfinFrench.

Ideclareitseemedasifabouteverygirlinthevillagewastryintobeakindofaprincesswitha fulljewelledbrain.Girlswhodidntknowanadjective fromanadverbanwouldhavebeenstuckbyasimplesum inalgebracouldconverse inFrenchansing in Italian.Notoneintenwaswillin,ifsheknewhow,tosweepafloororcook

asquare

meal.

Their

souls

were

above

it.

Their

feet

were

in

PointviewantheirheadsinDreamland.Theytalkedothedoinsothe Four Hundred an the successes o Lizzie. They trilled anwarbled; theypounded the familypiano; they golfed anmotoredan whisted; they engaged in the titivation of toy dogs an thecultivation o general debility; they ate caramels an chocolatesenoughtofillupawell;theycomplained;theydreamedosunburstsantiaraswhiletheirpapasworriedaboutnotesanbills;theylayondowny beds of ease with the last best seller, an followed the

fortunesof

the

bold

youth

until

he

found

his

treasure

at

last

in

the

unhiddenchestoftheheroine;theycreatedwhatwearepleasedtocalltheservantproblem,whichisreallythedroneproblem,causedby theaddednumberwho toilnot,buthave tobe toiled for; theygrew in fat an folly. Some were both oxeyed an peroxide.Homelinesswas to them theonlymisfortune, fat theonlyburden,andpimplesthegreatenemyofwoman.

Nowtheorgansofthehumanbodyarejustasshiftlessastheone

thatowns

em.

The

systems

o

these

fair

ladies

couldnt

do

their

own

work.Thephysicianan thesurgeonwereadded to the listo theirservants,anbecameasnecessaryasthecookanthechambermaid.ButtheywerekeepingupwithLizzie.Poorthings!Theywerentso


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KeepingupwithLizzie

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muchtoblame.Theythoughttheirfatherswererich,antheirfathersenjoyed an clung to that reputation. They hid their poverty anflauntedtheflagofopulence.

It costsmoney,bigmoney anmore, to produce a generation ofinvalids.ThefathersoPointviewhadpaidforitwithsweatantoilanbrokenhealthanborrowedmoneyantheusualtaxaddedtothepriceotheirgoodsortheirlabor.ThenonenightthecashierotheFirstNationalBankblewouthisbrains.Wefoundthathehadstoleneighteenthousanddollarsintheefforttokeepup.ThatwasalessontotheLizziechasers!Why,sir,wefoundthateachofhisoldergirlshaddiamondringsancouldsinginthreelanguages,anaboywas

incollege.

Poor

man!

he

didnt

steal

for

his

own

pleasure.

Everything

went at auctionhouse, grounds, rings, automobile.Anothermanwascaughtsellinunderweightwithfixedscales,anwenttoprison.Henry Brown failed, an we found that he had borrowed fivehundreddollarsfromJohnBass,anatthesametimeJohnBasshadborrowedsixhundred fromTomRogers,anRogershadborrowedseven hundred an fifty from Sam Henshaw, an Henshaw hadborrowedthesameamountfromPercivalSmith,anSmithhadgotitfromme. The chainbroke, the note structure fell like a house o

cards,an

Iwas

the

only

loserthink

o

that.

There

were

five

capitalistsanonlyonemanwithrealmoney.


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KeepingupwithLizzie

12

CHAPTERII

INWHICHLIZZIERETURNSTOHERHOME,HAVINGMETA

QUEENAND

ACQUIRED

AN

ACCENT

AND

A

FIANCE

Sam Henshaws girl had graduated an gone abroad with hermother.OneSunday boutayear later,Sam flewup to thedooromyhouseinhisautomobile.Helitonthesidewalkanstruggledupthestepswithtwohundredanfortysevenpoundsomeatonhim.Hewalkedlikeamancarryinabarrelopork.Heactedasifhewasgladtoseemeanthebigarmchaironthepiaz.

Whatsthe

news?

Iasked.

Lizzieanhermothergotback thismornin,hegasped. TheyvebeensixmonthsinEurope.Lizzieisinlovewithit.Sheshobnobbedwith kings an queens. She talks artbeautiful. Iwish youd comeoveranhearherholdaconversation.Itswonderful.Shesgointobeagreatadditiontothiscommunity.Shesgotmefadedanontherun.Irandowntothestoreforafewminutesthismornin,anwhenIgotbackshesaystome:

Father,youalwayssmellohamanmustard.Haveyoubeen inthatdisgustingstore?Goantakeabahthatonce.Thatswhatshecalled itabahth.Talksjust like theEnglishpeopleshesbeenamongemsolong.GetintomycaranIlltakeyeoveranfetchyeback.

Samregardedhishumiliationwithprideanjoy.AtlastLizziehadconvinced him that her education had paid. My curiosity was

excited.Igot

in

an

we

flew

over

to

his

house.

Sam

yelled

up

the

stairwaykindojoyfulaswecome in,anhiswifeansweredatthetopothestairsansays:

Mr.Henshaw,Iwishyouwouldntshout inthishouse likeaboycallingthecows.

IguessshedidntknowIwasthere.Samranupstairsanback,anthenwe turned into thatsplendidparlorohisansetdown.Purty

soonLiz

an

her

mother

swung

in

an

smiled

very

pleasant

an

shook

handsanaskedhowwasmyfamily,etc.,anwentrightontalkin.Isaw theydidntask for thepurposeofgettin information.Lizwasdressedtokillanpurtyasapicturecheeksredasaroosterscomb


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KeepingupwithLizzie

13

anwaist likeahornets.Thecoverwasoffhershowcase,an therewas a diamond sunburst in themiddle of it, an thejewelsweresurroundedby charms towhich I am notwholly insensible even

now.

IwantedyetotellMr.Potteraboutyertravels,saysSam.

Lizziesmiledanlookedoutothewindowaminuteanfetchedasighanstruckout,lookinlikeDeaconBristowthedayhegivetendollars to thechurch.She toldabout thecitiesan the folksan theweatherinthatqueer,Englishwayshehadotalking>

Tellhow

ye

hobnobbed

with

the

Queen

o

Italy,

Sam

says.

Oh,father!Hobnobbed!saysshe.AnybodywouldthinkthatsheandIhadmanicuredeachothershands.Sheonlyspokeafewwordsof Italianand lookedverygraciousanbeautifulancomplimentedmycolor.

Then she layback inher chair,kindoweary,anSamaskedmehowwasbusinessjust to fill in thegap, Iguess.Lizwokeupan

showedhow

far

shed

got

ahead

in

the

race.

Business! says she, with animation. Thats why I havent anypatiencewithAmericanmen.Theyneversitdown for tenminuteswithouttalkingbusiness.Theirsoulsaresteepedincommercialism.Dontyou seehow absurd it is, father?There areplentyof lovelythingstotalkabout.

Sam looked guilty, an I felt sorry for him. It had cost heavy to

educatehis

girl

up

to

apint

where

she

could

give

him

so

much

advicean information.Theresultwasnatural.Shewasirritatedbythe large cubic capacitythe length,breadth, and thickness of hisignoranceandunrefinement;hewasdazedby the length,breadth,anthicknessofherlearninganhercharm.Hedidntsayaword.Hebowedhisheadbeforethispretty,perfumedcasketoferudition.

YoulikeEurope,Isays.

Ilove

it,

says

she,

Its

the

only

place

to

live.

There

one

finds

so

much of the beautiful in art and music and so many cultivatedpeople.


20/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

14

Lizziewas a handsome girl, an hadmore sense than any o theothersthattriedtokeepupwithher.Afterall,shewasSamsfault,anSamwasasinconceivedancommittedbyhiswife,asyemight

say.She

had

made

him

what

he

was.

HaveyouseenDanPettigrewlately?Lizzieasked.

Yes.Isays.Danisgointobeafarmer.

Afarmer!saysshe,ancoveredherfacewithherhandkerchiefanshookwithmerriment.

Yes,Isays.

Dan

has

come

down

out

o

the

air.

Hes

abandoned

folly.Hewantstodosomethingtohelpalong.

Yes, of course, says Lizzie, in a loftymanner. Dan is really anexcellentboyisnthe?

Yes,anhes livinwithinhismeansthatsthefirstmilestone intheroadtosuccess,Isays.Imgointobuyhimathousandacresoland,anoneothesedayshellownitanasmuchmore.Youwait.

Hellhave

ahundred

men

in

his

employ,

an

flocks

an

herds

an

amarketofhisown inNewYork.Hellcontrolprices inthiscounty,

antheyregoindown.HellbeaforceintheState.

Theywereall sittingup.The faceso theLadyHenshawanherdaughterturnedred.

Imverygladtohearit,Imsure,saidherLadyship.

Iwasnt

so

sure

o

that

as

she

was,

an

there,

for

me,

was

the

milk

inthecocoanut.Iwasjoyful.

Why, itsperfectly lovely! saysLizzie, as she fetched herprettyhandstogetherinherlap.

Yes,youwanttocultivateDan,Isays.Hesamantobereckonedwith.

Oh,indeed!

says

her

Ladyship.

Yes,indeed!Isays,anthegirlsareallafterhim.


21/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

15

Ijustguessed that. Iknew itwasunscrupulous,but livinhere inthisatmospheredoesaffectthemoralsevenofalawyer.Lizziegrewredintheface.

HecouldmarryoneotheFourHundredifhewantedto,Isays.TheothereveninghewasseeninthebigredtourincarotheVanAlstynes.Whatdoyouthinkothat?

Now thatwas true,but thechauffeurhadbeenacollege friendoDans,anIdidntmentionthat.

Lizziehadadreamysmileinherface.

Why,itswonderful!saysshe.Ididntknowhedimprovedso.

I hear that hismother is doing her own work, says the LadyHenshaw,withaforcedsmile.

Yes, thinkof it, Isays. Thewoman isearningherdailybreadactuallyhelpinherhusband.Didyoueverhearosuchathing!Illhave to scratch em off my list. Its too uncommon. It aint

respectable.

HerLadyshipbegantosuspectmeanretreatedwithherchinintheair.Shedhadenough.

I thought thatwoulddoandrewouto thegame.Lizzie lookedconfident.Sheseemedtohavesomethinguphersleevebesidesthatlovelyarmohers.

Iwent

home,

an

two

days

later

Sam

looked

me

up

again.

Then

the

secretcameoutothebag.HedheardthatIhadsomemoneyinthesavingsbanksoveratBridgeportpayinmeonlythreeandahalfpercent., an he wanted to borrow it an pay me six per cent. Hisgenerositysurprisedme.ItwasnotlikeSam.

Whats the matter with you? I asked. Is it possible that yourprofitshaveallgone intogasolineanrubberansilkaneducationanhardwoodfinishanhumanfat?

Well, itcosts somuch to live,he says, an thewholesalershavekeptliftinthepricesonme.Nowtheresthemeattrusttheirpricesareupthirtyfivepercent.


22/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

16

Of course, I says, thedirectorshave tohave their luxuries.Youtaxedus foryernewhouse an yer automobile anyerdaughterseducation,an theyre taxinyou for their steamyachts anprivate

carsan

racin

stables.

You

cant

expect

to

do

all

the

taxin.

The

wholesalers learntabout theprofits thatyouanothers likeyewasmakin,antheyconcludedthattheyneededapartofem.Ofcoursetheyhadtohavetheirluxuries,antheyretaxinyoutheycouldntaffordtohaveemiftheydidnt.Dontcomplain.

Ill come out all right, he says. Im goin to raise my wholeschedulefifteenpercent.

Thepeople

wont

stand

itthey

cant,

says

I.

Youll

be

drownin

themiller.Theyllleaveyou.

Itwontdo emanygood, sayshe. BillanEphwillmake theirpricesagreewithmine.

Folkswillgobacktotheland,asIhave,saysI.

Theydontknowenough,saysSam. Farmin isa lostarthere in

theEast.

You

take

my

word

for

ittheyll

pay

our

pricestheyll

have toan the rich folks, theydontworryaboutprices. Ipayacommissiontoeverystewardanbutlerinthisneighborhood.

Iwont help you, says I. Itswicked.You ought to have savedyourmoney.

In a year from now Ill havemoney toburn, he says. For onething,mydaughterseducationisfinished,anthathascostheavy.

Howmuchwould it cost tounlearn it? I asked. Thatsgoin tocostmorethanitdidtogetit,Imfraid.Inmyopinionthefirstthingtodowithheristouneducateher.

ThatwaslikearedhotirontoSam.Itkindohethimup.

Why,sir,youdontappreciateher,sayshe.ThatgirlisfaraboveusallhereinPointview.Shesaqueen.

Well,Sam,Isays,iftheresanythingyoudontneedjustnowitsa queen. If Iwere you Iwouldnt graft that kind o fruit on thegrocerytree.Hams an coronets dont flourish on the samebush.


23/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

17

They have a different kind of abouquet. They dont harmonize.Then,Sam,whatdoyouwantofagirlthatsfaraboveye?Isitanycomforttoyoutobedespisedinyourownhome?

Mr.Potter, I havent educated her formy ownhome or for thiscommunity,butforhigherthings,saysSam.

Youhairyoldass!The firstyouknow, I says, theyllhaveyourskinoffanlayinonthefrontpiazforadoormat.

Samstarted for theopenair. Ihated tobehashwithhim,butheneeded some education himself, an it took abeetle anwedge to

openhis

mind

for

it.

He

lifted

his

chin

so

high

that

the

fat

swelled

outonthebackofhisneckanunbuttonedhiscollar.Thenheturnedansaid: Mydaughter istoogood for this town,an Idont intendthat she shall stay here. She has been asked tomarry aman ofortuneintheoldcountry.

So I surmised,an I supposeyou find that thepriceohusbandshasgoneup,Isays.

Samdidnt

answer

me.

Theywantyou to settle somemoney on the girldont they? Iasked.

Mywifesaysitsthecustomintheoldcountry,saysSam.

Supposeheaintworththeprice?

Theysay

hes

asplendid

fellow,

says

Sam.

You letme investigate him, I says, an if hes reallyworth thepriceIllhelpyetopayit.

Samsaidthatwasfair,anthankedmefortheoffer,angavemetheyoungmansaddress.HewasaRussianby thenameofAlexanderRolanoff,anSam insisted thathebelonged toaveryold familyoflargemeansannobleblood,ansaidthattheyoungmanwouldbe

inPointview

that

summer.

Iwrote

to

the

mayor

of

the

city

in

which

hewassaidtolive,butgotnoanswer.


24/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

18

Alexandercame.Hewasacostlyanbeautifulyoungman,aboutthirtyyearsold,with redcheeksancurlyhairanpolished fingernails, anwrotepoetry. Sometimesyemeet aman that excitesyer

worstsuspicions.

Your

right

hand

no

sooner

lets

go

o

his

than

it

slidesdown into yourpocket to see if anything has happened; ormaybeyoutakethearmoyerwifeoryerdaughteranwalkaway.Aleck leaneda little inbothdirections.But, sir,Samdidnt care toknowmy opinion of him.Never said anotherword tome on thesubject,butcameagaintoaskaboutthemoney.

Lookhere,Sam,Isays. YoutellLizziethat Iwanttohavea talkwithheratfouroclockinthisoffice?Ifshereallywantstobuythis

man,Ill

see

what

can

be

done

about

it.

Allright,youtalkwithher,sayshe,anwentout.

InafewminutesDanshowedup.

HaveyouseenLizzie?saysI.

Nottospeaktoher,saysDan.Looksfine,doesntshe?

Beautiful!Isays.HowisMarieBenson?

Oh, the second time Iwent to seeher shewas trying tokeepupwith Lizzie, says he. Shes changed her gait.Was going toNewYorkaftera lotonew frills. IsupposeshethoughtthatIwantedagrandlady.Thatsthetroublewithallthegirlshere.Amanmightaswellmarry the real thing as an imitation. IwishLizziewouldgetdownoffherhighhorse.

Shes goin to swap him for one with still longer legs, I says.Lizzieisengagedtoagentlemanofortuneintheoldcountry.

Dansfacebegantostretchoutlongasifitwasmadeofinjyrubber.

Itstoobad,sayshe.Lizzieisagoodheartedgirl,ifsheisspoilt.

Finegirl!Isays.An,Dan,Iwasinhopesthatshewoulddiscover

herown

folly

before

it

was

too

late.

But

she

saw

that

others

had

beguntopushherintheraceanthatshehadtoletoutanotherlinkorfallbehind.


25/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

19

Well,Iwishherhappiness,saysDan,withasigh.

Goantellherso,Isays.Showherthatyouhavesomecareasto

whethershe

lives

or

dies.

Icouldseethathisfeelinshadbeenhonedtiltheyweresharpasarazor.

Iveseenthatfellow,hesays,anhellnevermarryLizzieifIcanprevent it. I hate the looks of him. I shall improve the firstopportunityIhavetoinsulthim.

Thatmight

be

impossible,

Isuggested.

ButIllmaketheeffort,saysDan.

Asan insulter Iwouldntwonder ifDanhad largecapacitywhenproperlystirredup.

Betterlethimalone.Ihavelinesoutthatwillbringinformation.Bepatient.

Danroseandsaidhewouldseemesoon,anleftwitharathersternlookinhisface.


26/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

20

CHAPTERIII

INWHICHLIZZIEDESCENDSFROMAGREATHEIGHT

Lizziewasonhandatthehourappointed.Wesatdownhereallbyourselves.

Lizzie, I says, why in the world did you go to Europe for ahusband? Its a slight to Pointviewa discouragement of homeindustry.

Therewasnobodyherethatseemedtowantme,shesays,blushin

verysweet.

Shehaddroppedherprincessmanneranseemed tobe ready forstraighttalk.

Ifthatsso,Lizzie,itsyourfault,Isays.

Idontunderstandyou,saysshe.

Why,my

dear

child,

its

this

way,

Isays.

Your

mother

an

father

havemeantwell,buttheyvebeenfoolish.Theyveeducatedyouforamillionairess,anallthatslackinisthemillions.Youoverawedtheboys here in Pointview. They thought that you felt above em,whetheryoudidornot;antheboysonFifthAvenueweregladtoplaywith you,but theydidnt care tomarry you. I say it kindly,Lizzie,an Ima friendoyer fathers,anyoucanafford to letmesaywhatImean.Thoseyoungfellowswantedthemillionsaswellasthemillionairess.Oneofourboys fell in lovewithye an tried to

keepup,

but

your

pace

was

too

hot

for

him.

His

father

got

in

trouble,

an the boy had to drop out. Everywellborn girl in the villageentered the race with ye. An era of extravagance set in thatthreatened the solvency, the honor, o this sober old community.Their fathers had toborrowmoney to keep agoin. Theyworkedovertime, they importuned their creditors, they wallowed in lowfinancewhiletheirdaughtersrevelledinthehigherwalksolifeansang in different languages. Even your fatherI tell you inconfidence,forIsupposehewouldnthavethecouragetodoitis

infinancial

difficulties.

Now,

Lizzie,

Iwant

to

be

kind

to

you,

for

Ibelieveyoureagoodgirlatheart,butyouought toknow thatall

thisiswhatyouraccomplishmentshaveaccomplished.


27/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

21

Sheroseanwalkedacrosstheroom,withtrembling lips.Shehadseizedherparachuteanjumped fromherballoonandwas slowlyapproachin the earth. I kept her comin, These clothes anjewels

thatyou

wear,

Lizziethese

silks

an

laces,

these

sunbursts

an

solitairesdont seem to harmonize with your fathers desire toborrowmoney.Pardonme,but Icantmake em lookhonest.Theyarenotpaid foror if theyare theyarepaid forwithothermensmoney.Theyseemtoaccuseyou.TheydaccusemeifIdidntspeakoutplaintoye.

AllofasuddenLizziedropped intoachairanbegan tocry.Shehadlitsafelyontheground.

Itmademefeellikeamurderer,butithadtobe.Poorgirl!Iwantedtopickherup likeababyankissher. Itwasnt that I lovedLizzieless but Rome more. She wasnt to blame. Every spoilt womanstandsforafoolman.Mostothemneednotamasterbutafrankcounsellor.Ilockedthedoor.Shegrewcalmanleanedonmytable,her face coveredwithherhands.My clock shouted the seconds inthesilence.Notawordwassaidfortwoorthreeminutes.

Ihave

been

brutal,

Isays,

by

an

by.

Forgive

me.

Mr.Potter,shesays, youvedonemeagreatkindness. Illneverforgetit.WhatshallIdo?

Well,foronething,saysI,gobacktoyouroldsimplicityanlivewithinyourmeans.

Illdo it,shesays; butIIsupposedmy fatherwasrich.Oh, I

wishwe

could

have

had

this

talk

before!

Didyouknow thatDanPettigrewwas in lovewithyou? Iput itstraightfromtheshoulder.Hewouldntdaretellye,butyououghtto know it. You are regarded as a kind of a queen here, an itscustomaryforqueenstobeapproachedbyambassadors.

Herfacelightedup.

Inlove

with

me?

she

whispered.

Why,

Mr.

Potter,

Inever

dreamed of such a thing. Are you sure? How do you know? Ithoughthefeltaboveme.


28/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

22

Anhethoughtyoufeltabovehim,Isays.

Howabsurd!howunfortunate!shewhispered. Icouldntmarry

himnow

if

he

asked

me.

This

thing

has

gone

too

far.

Iwouldnt

treat

anymanthatway.

YouareengagedtoAlexander,areyou?Isays.

Well, there is a sort of understanding, and I thinkwe are tobemarriedifif

Shepaused,andtearscametohereyesagain.

Youarethinkingothemoney,saysI.

Iamthinkingothemoney,saysshe.Ithasbeenpromisedtohim.Hewillexpectit.

Doyouthinkheisanhonestman?Willhetreatyouwell?

Isupposeso.

Then letme talkwith him. Perhaps hewould take youwithoutanythingtoboot.

Pleasedontproposethat,saysshe.Ithinkhesgettingtheworstofitnow.Mr.Potter,wouldyoulendmethemoney?IaskitbecauseIdontwantthefamilytobedisgracedorMr.Rolanofftobebadlytreated.He isto invest themoney inmyname inaverypromisingventure.Hesayshecandoubleitwithinthreemonths.

Itwould havebeen easy forme to laugh,but I didnt. Lizziesattitude in thewholematterpleasedme. I saw thatherheartwassound.Ipromisedtohaveatalkwithherfatherandseeheragain.Ilookedintohisaffairscarefullyandputhimonanewfinancialbasiswithaloanoffifteenthousanddollars.

Onedayhecamearound tomyofficewithAlexanderanwantedmetodrawupacontractbetweenhimantheyoungman.Itwasa

rathercrude

proposition,

an

Ilaughed,

an

Aleck

sat

with

abored

smileonhisface.


29/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

23

Oh,ifhesgoodenoughforyourdaughter,Isaid,hiswordoughttobegoodenoughforyou.

Thatsall

right,

says

Sam,

but

business

is

business.

Iwant

it

down

inblackanwhitethatthe income fromthismoney istobepaidtomy daughter, and that neither o them shall make any furtherdemandonme.

Well, I drew that fool contract, an, after it was signed, Samdeliveredtenonethousanddollarbillstotheyoungman,whowastobecomehissoninlawthefollowingmonthwiththeassistanceofacatererandafloristandastringband,allfromNewHaven.

WithinhalfanhourDanPettigrewcameroarinup in frontomyofficeinthebigredautomobileofhisfathers.Inaminutehecameintoseeme.Heoutwithhisbusinesssoonashelitinachair.

IvelearnedthatthismanRolanoffisascoundrel,sayshe.

Ascoundrel!saysI.

Ofpurest

ray

serene,

says

he.

I put a few questions,but hed nothing in theway o proof tootteritwasonlythestatementofanewspaper.

Isthatallyouknowagainsthim?Iasked.

He wont fight, says Dan. Ive tried himIvebegged him tofight.

Well,Ivegotbetterevidencethanyouhave,Isays.Itcameafewminutesbeforeyoudid.

IshowedhimacablegramfromaLondonbarristerthatsaid:

Inquirycomplete.Themanisapureadventurer,characternil.

Wemustactimmediately,saysDan.

Ihave telephonedallover thevillage forSam, I says. They sayhesout inhiscarwithAleckanLizzie. Iasked them tosendhimhereassoonashereturns.


30/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

24

Theyredownon thePostRoad Imet emonmywayhere,saysDan.Wecanovertakethatcareasy.

Well,the

wedding

day

was

approaching

an

Aleck

had

the

money,

an the thought occurred tome that he might give em the slipsomewhereontheroadangetawaywithit.Ileftwordinthestorethat ifSamgotbackbeforeIsawhimhewastowaitwithAleck inmyofficeuntil I returned, anoffwe started like abaseballon itswayfromtheboxtothecatcher.

Anofficeronhismotorcycleoverhauleduson thePostRoad.Heknewme.

Itsacaseosickness,Isays,anwereafterSamHenshaw.

Hes gone down the road an hasnt come back yet, says theofficer.

Ipassedhimatendollarbill.

Keepwithinsightofus,Isays.Wemayneedyouanyminute.

Henoddedandsmiled,anawaywewent.

Imwonderinhowwereagoin toget themoney, Isays,havintoldDanaboutit.

Illtakeitawayfromhim,saysDan.

Thatwouldntdo,saysI.

Whynot?

Whynot!says I. Youwouldntwant tobearrested forhighwayrobbery.Then, too,wemust thinkoLizzie.Poorgirl!Itsagoin tobehardonher,anyhow.Illtryabluff.Itsprobablethathesworkedthisgamebefore.Ifso,wecanrobhimwithoutviolenceanlethimgo.

Dangrew

joyful

as

we

sped

along.

Lizzieismine,hesays.Shewouldntmarryhimnow.


31/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

25

He toldmehow fond theyhadbeenof eachotheruntil theygotaccomplishments anbegan to putup the price o themselves.Hesaid that in theirownestimation theyhadriz invalue likebeefan

ham,an

he

confessed

how

foolish

he

had

been.

We

were

excited

an

movinfast.

Somethingllhappensoon,hesays.

An itdid,within tenminutes fromdate.Wecouldseeabluecarhalfamileahead.

Illgoby thatol freightcaro theHenshaws,saysDan. Theyll

takeafter

me,

for

Sam

is

vain

of

his

car.

We

can

halt

them

in

that

narrowcutonthehillbeyondtheByronRiver.

We had rounded the turn at Chesterville, when we saw theHenshaw carjust ahead ofus,withAleck at thewheel anLizziebesidehimanSamonthebackseat.Isawtheperilinthesituation.

The long rivalrybetween the houses ofHenshaw an Pettigrew,reinforcedbythatoftheyoungmen,wasnearingitsclimax.

SeemegobythatoldsoapboxotheHenshaws,saysDan,ashepulledouttopassem.

ThenDan anAleckbegan a duelwith automobiles. Each had afortyhorsepowerengineinhishands,withwhichhewasresolvedtohumbletheother.DanknewthathewasgointobringdownthepriceoAlecksanHenshaws.Firstwegotahead;thentheyscrapedbyus, crumplingour fenderon thenigh side.Lizziean I lostour

hatsin

the

scrimmage.

We

gathered

speed

an

ripped

off

asection

o

theirbulwarks,anroaredalongneckanneckwithem.Thebrokenfendersrattledlikedrumsinabattle.Ahenflewupanhitmeintheface,ancamenighunhorsinme.Ihungon.ItseemedasifFatewastryin to halt us,but our horsepowerwas too high.A dogwentunderus.Itbegantorainalittle.WewerealengthaheadattheturnbytheByronRiver.Weswungforthebridgeanskiddedanstruckatelephonepole,anIwentrightonoverthestonefenceantheclaybankan litonmyhead in thewater.DanPettigrew litbesideme.

Thencame

Lizzie

an

Samthey

fairly

rained

into

the

river.

Ilooked

up to see ifAleckwas comin,buthewasnt.Sam,bein soheavy,hadstoppedquickeranhitinshallowwaterneartheshore,but,asluckwouldhaveit,thebottomwassoftanhehadcomedownfeet


32/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

26

foremost,anabroken legan somebadbruiseswereallhe couldboastof.Lizziewasinhysterics,butseemedtobeunhurt.DananIgot em out on the shore, an left em cryin side by side, an

scrambledup

the

bank

to

find

Aleck.

He

had

aimed

too

low

an

hit

thewall, anwas stunned, an apparently, for the time,dead as aherrin on the farther side of it. I removed the ten onethousanddollarbills from his person to prevent complications an tenderlylaidhimdown.Thenhecametoverysudden.

Stop!hemurmured.Yourerobbinme.

Well, you begun it, I says. Dont judge me hastily. Im a

philanthropist.Im

goin

to

leave

you

yer

liberty

an

ahundred

dollars. You take it an get. If you ever return to Connecticut Illarrestyouatsight.

Igavehimthemoneyancalledtheofficer,whohadjustcomeup.Atravellerinalargetourincarhadhaltednearus.

PuthimintothatcarantakehimtoChesterville,Isaid.

Helimped

to

the

car

an

left

without

aword.

Ireturnedtomyfriendsangentlybrokethenews.

SamblubberedEducationdoneit,sayshe,ashemournfullyshookhishead.

Yes, I says. Education is responsible for a damned lot ofignorance.

Ansomefoolishness,saysSam,ashescrapedthemudoutofhishair. Thinkofourgoin like that.Weought tohaveknownbetter.Weknewbetter,Isays,butwehadtokeepupwithLizzie.

SamturnedtowardLizzieanmoanedinabrokenvoice,Iwishithadkilledme.

Whyso?Iasked.

Itcostssomuchtolive,Samsobbed,inahalfhystericalway.Ivegotanexpensivefamilyonmyhands.


33/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

27

YouneedntbeafraidohavinLizzieonyourhands, saysDan,whoheldthegirlinhisarms.

Whatdo

you

mean?^

Sam

inquired.

Shesonmyhands an shesgoin to stay there, says theyoungman. Im in lovewithLizziemyself. Ivealwaysbeen in lovewithLizzie.

Your confession is illtimed, saysLizzie,as shepulled awayantriedtosmoothherhair.Shebegantocryagain,anadded,betweensobs:Myheartisaboutbroken,andImustgohomeandgethelpfor

mypoor

father.

Illattendtothat,saysDan;butIwarnyouthatImgointoofferaPettigrewforaHenshaweven.IfIhadamilliondollarsIdgiveitalltoboot.

Samturnedtowardme,hisfaceredasabeet.

Themoney!heshouted.Getit,quick!

Hereitis!Isaid,asIputtherollobillsinhishand.

Didyoutakeitoffhim?

Itookitoffhim.

PoorAleck!he says,mournfully, ashe counted themoney. Itskindohardonhim.

SoonwehaltedapassinautomobileangotSamup thebankanoverthewall.Itwaslikemovinapianowithsomebodyplayinonit,butwemanaged toseathimon the front flooro thecar,whichtookusallhome.

So the affair endedwithout disgrace to any one, if notwithoutviolence,andnooneknowsof thecablegramsave the fewpersonsdirectly concerned. But the price of Alecks took a big slump in

Pointview.No

hansome

foreign

gent

could

marry

any

one

in

this

village,unlessitwasachambermaidinahotel.


34/68


35/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

29

Now,ifyouplease,Illclimbbackonmypedestal,hesaid.

ThankGod!Lizziebegan toriseabovehereducation.Shewent to

workin

her

fathers

store,

an

the

whole

gang

o

Lizzie

chasers

had

to change their gait again. She organized our prosperous youngladies cluba model of its kindthe purpose of which is thepromotion of simple livin an a taste for usefulwork. They havefairs in the churches, an I distribute a hundred dollars in cashprizesfive dollars each for the best exhibits o pumpkinpie,chickenpie,bread,rolls,coffee,roastturkey,plainanfancysewin,ansoon.Onebyonethegirlsaretakinholdwithusanlettingoothegrandlife.Theyvebeguntotakeholdothebroomanthedish

cloth,an

the

boys

seem

to

be

takin

hold

o

them

with

more

vigor

andetermination.Theboysareconcludingthatitscheapertobuyapianoplayerthantomarryone,thatcannedprimadonnasarebetterthan the homegrown article, thatwomen aremore tobe desiredthanplaythings.


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CHAPTERIV

INWHICHTHEHAMWARHASITSBEGINNING

OnedayintheoldtimeacoupleofindustriousYankeeswerehardatwork ina field, Socrates continued. Suddenlyone said to theother:

IwishIwasworthtenthousanddollars.

Antheotherasked:

Whatwould

ye

do

with

it?

Thewisherrestedonhisshovelangavehisfrienda lookofuttercontempt.

Whatwould Idowith it?hesaid. Why,youcussed fool, Idsetdownanwithoutblaminmyself.

ByandbytheYankeegottosettindownwithoutblaminhimself,

analso

without

the

ten

thousand.

Here

in

Pointview

were

learnin

howtostandupagain,anLizzieisresponsible.Youshallhearhowithappened.

FirstImusttellyouthatDanhadbeenmakinlittleprogressinthewooinoLizzie.Nowshewasinclinedtogoslow.LizziewasfondoDan.Sheputonherbest clotheswhenhe came to seeherof aSunday.Shesang tohim,shewalkedhimabout theplacewithherarminhis,butshetenderlyrefusedtoagreetomarryhim.Whenhe

grewsentimental

she

took

him

out

among

the

cucumbers

in

the

garden.Shepermittednosuddenriseinhistemperature.

Iwillnotmarry,shesaid, until Ihavedonewhat Ican torepaymyfatherforallthathehastriedtodoforme.Imustbeuneducatedandreeducated.Itmaytakealongtime.Meanwhileyoumaymeetsomeoneyoulikebetter.Imnotgoingtopledgeyoutowaitforme.OfcourseIshallbeawfullyproudandpleased ifyoudowait,but,Dan,Iwantyoutobefree.Letsbothbefreeuntilwereready.

Itwasbully.Danpleadedwith theeloquenceofanoldfashionedlawyer.Lizziestood firmbehind thishigh fence,anshewasright.WithDan indebtanbabiescomin,whatcouldshehavedone for


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31

herfather?Suddenlyitseemedasifalltheyoungmenhadbeguntotake an interest in Lizzie, an, to tell the truth, shewas about theneatest, sweetest little myrmidon of commerce that ever wore a

whiteapron.

The

light

of

true

womanhood

had

begun

to

shine

in

her

face.Shekept thestore inapplepieorder,aneverybodywaswelltreated. Thebusiness grew. Sambought a small farm outside thevillage with crops in, anmoved there for the summer. Soon hebegan to letdownhisprices.The combinewasbroken. Itwas thethingwehadbeenwaitinfor.Peopleflockedtohisstore.Theotherscamedown,buttoolate.Samheldhisgain,anLizziewasthepowerbehind the fat.Dan finishedhis course inagriculture an Iboughthimafarm,anhewenttoworkthere,buthespenthalfhistimein

thestore

of

his

father

tryin

to

keep

up

with

Lizzie.

Suddenly

Dan

startedahamwar.Hecutthepriceofhamsfivecentsapound.Hamwas one of our great staples, an excitement ran high. Lizzie cutbelowhimtwocentsapound.Dancutthepriceagain.Lizziemadeno effort tomeet this competition. The price had gonebelow thewholesale rate by quite a margin. People thronged to Dansemporium.Women stood on thebattlefield, their necksblanchedwithpowder,theircheeksbearintheredbadgeocourage,aneverymanyoumethadaham inhishand.ThePettigrewwagonhurried

hitheran

thither

loaded

with

hams.

Even

the

best

friends

of

Sam

an

LizziewereseeninDansstorebuyinhams.Theylaidinastockforallwinter.SuddenlyDanquitanrestoredhispricetotheoldfigure.Lizziecontinuedtosellatthesameprice,anwasjustascheerfulasever. She hadwon the fight, an yewouldnt think that anythingunusualhadhappened;butwaitansee.

Everydayboysangirlsweredroppinoutothecloudsangointowork tryin tokeepupwithLizzie.Thehammocks swung limp in

thebreeze.

The

candy

stores

were

almost

deserted,

an

those

that

sat

bythefountainswerefew.Wewerelearninhowtostandup.

OnedayDancameintomyofficealloutogear.Helookedsoreandiscouraged.Ididntwonder.

Whatsthematternow?Isays.

IdontbelieveLizziecaresforme.

Howsthat?Isays.


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32

Last Sunday she was out riding with Tom Bryson, an everySundayafternoonIfindhalfadozenyoungfellowsupthere.

Well,ye

know,

Lizzie

is

attractive,

an

she

aint

ourn

yitnot

just

yit, Isays. Ifyoungmencome to seehershesgot tobepolite toem.Youwouldntexpecthertotakeabroomanshooemoff?

ButIdonthaveanythingtodowithothergirls.

Anyourejealousasahornet, I says. Lizziewantsyou tomeetother girls.When Lizziemarries itwillbe for life. Shellwant toknow that you love her an only her.You keep right on tryin to

catchup

with

Lizzie,

an

dont

be

worried.

Hestoppedstrappin the razorofhisdiscontent,but leftmewithunhappy looks.Thatveryweek Isawhim ridinaboutwithMarieBensoninhisfathersmotorcar.

Soonabeautifulthinghappened.Ihavetoldyouofthemelancholyendof thecashierofoneofour localbanks.Well, in timehiswifefollowed him to the cemetery. Shewas adistant relative of Sams

wife,an

afriend

of

Lizzie.

We

found

easy

employment

for

the

older

children,anLizzieinducedherparentstoadopttwothatwerejustoutof theirmothersarmsagirlofoneanaboyof threeyears. Isuggested toLizziethat itseemedtomeaseriousundertaking,butshefeltthatsheoughttobeawfullygoodbywayofatonementforthefollyofherpastlife.Itwasneartheendoftheyear,anIhappento know that when Christmas came a little sack containing fivehundreddollars ingoldwasdeliveredatSamHenshawsdoor forLizzie froma sourceunknown toher.Thatpaid for thenurse,an

easedthe

situation.


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CHAPTERV

INWHICHLIZZIEEXERTSANINFLUENCEONTHEAFFAIRS

OFTHE

RICH

AND

GREAT

AyearafterSocratesPotterhadtoldofthedescentofLizzie,andthesuccessfulbeginningofhernewlife,Icalledagainathisoffice.

HowisPointview?Iasked.

Did ye ever learn how it happened tobe called Pointview? heinquired.

No.

Well, it began with a little tavern with a taproom called thePointviewHouse,agreatmanyyearsago.Travellersusedtostopanlook around for the Point, an, of course, they couldnt see it, fortheresnonehere;at least,nopointof land.Theydgo inanorderdrinksansay:

Landlord,wheres

the

point?

An the landlordwould say: Well,boys, if you aint in a hurryyoullprobablyseeitpurtysoon.

Allatonceitwouldappeartoem,anitwasapttobeanamusinbitoscenery.

Wevealwaysbeenquicktoseeapointhere,ananxioustoshowit

toother

people.

Heleanedbackandlaughedasonefootsoughtthetopofhisdesk.

Ourballoons rise from everywalk o life an come down out oballast, he went on. Many of em touch ground in the greatfinancialaviationpark that surroundsWallStreet. Inour stagesofrecoverythepowerofLizziehasbeenwidelyfelt.

Upwent

his

other

foot.

Isaw

that

the

historical

mood

was

upon

him.

Talkabout tryin to cross theAtlantic in anairshipwhy, thatsconservative, he continued. Right here in the eastern part o


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KeepingupwithLizzie

34

Connecticut lives amanwho set out for the vicinity of themoonwithalargecompanyajointstockcompanyinhislifeboat.Firsthemadethejourneywiththehotairshipofhismind,ancameback

withmillions

in

the

hold

of

his

imagination.

Then

he

thought

hed

experimentwith a corporation of his friendshis surplus friends.Theygotinonthegroundfloor,angotoutinthesky.Mostofemwerethrownoverforballast.TheWellmanofthisenterpriseescapedwith his life an a littlewreckage.HewasMr. Thomas RobinsonBarrow,anhe came to consultmeabouthisaffairs.Theywere inbadshape.

Sellyourbighouseanyourmotorcars,Iurged.

Thatwouldhavebeeneasy,heanswered,butLizziehasspoiltthemarketforluxuries.YourememberhowshegothighnotionsupattheSmytheschool,anbegana lifeofextravagance,anhowwealltriedtokeepupwithher,anhowtherococoarchitecturebrokeoutlikepimplesonthefaceofConnecticut?

Ismiledannodded.

Well,it

was

you,

Ihear,

that

helped

her

back

to

earth

and

started

her in thesimpleton life.Since thenshehasbeengoingjustas fast,but in theoppositedirection,andwerestill tryin tokeepupwithher.Now I found amanwhowasgoing tobuymyproperty,butsuddenlyhiswifedecided that theywouldgetalongwithamoremodestoutfit.ShestryingtokeepupwithLizzie.Folksaregettingwise.

Whydontyou?

Cant.

Whynot?

BecauseImabornfool.Werefettered;wereprisonersofluxury.

OnlyanightortwobeforeIhadseenhiswifeatareceptionwitharopeofpearls inher rigginana searchlightodiamondsonher

forwarddeck

an

atiara

boom

de

ay

at

her

masthead

an

the

flags

of

opulenceflyinforeanaft.

IfIwereyou,Isaid,Idselleverythingeventhejewels.


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KeepingupwithLizzie

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Mypoorwife!heexclaimed.Ihaventthehearttotellherall.Shedontknowhowhardupweare!

Iwouldnt

neglect

her

education

if

Iwere

you,

Isaid.

Theres

akindness,youknow,thatsmostunkind.Someday Ishallwritean

article on the use an abuse of tiaraspoor things! It isnt fair tooverworkthefamilytiara.Isuggestthatyougetagoodsizedtrunkanlockitupwiththeotherjewelsforavacation.Ifnecessaryyourhousecouldbevisitedbyaburglarthat is, ifyouwanted tosavethefeelinsofyourwife.

Heturnedwithapuzzledlookatme.

Isitpossiblethatyouhaventheardofthattrick?Iaskedamanofyourtalents!

Heshookhishead.

Why,thesedays,ifamanwishestodivorcethefamilyjewelsanisafraidofhiswife,thehouseisalwaysenteredbyaburglar.Mydearsir,theburglar isaneverpresenthelp intimeoftrouble.Itsapity

thatwe

have

no

Gentlemans

Home

Journal

in

which

poor

but

deservinhusbandscouldfindencouragementaninspiration.

Helookedatmeanlaughed.

Supposeyouengageatrustyandreliableburglar?heproposed.

Theresonlyoneintheworld.Isaid.

Whois

it?

ThomasRobinsonBarrow.Ofcourse,ImnotsayinthatifIneededaburglarhesjustthemanIshouldchoose,butforthisjobhestheonlyreliableburglar.Tryhim.

Heseemedtobehighlyamused.

Butitmightbedifficulttofoolthepolice,hesaid,inaminute.

Well, it isnt absolutely necessary, you know, I suggested. TheChiefofPoliceisafriendofmine.


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KeepingupwithLizzie

36

Good!Imengagedforthisjob,andwillsellthejewelsandturnthemoneyovertoyou.

Ido

not

advise

thatnot

just

that,

Isaid.

Well

retire

them

from

active life.Atiara in thesafe isworth two in theTitianbush.Wellusethemforcollateralangotodoinbusiness.Whenwevepaidthedebts in full well redeem the goods an return them to youroverjoyedwife.WelllaunchourtiaraontheMarcelwaves.

Tom was delighted with this plannot the best, perhapsbut,anyhow, itwould save hiswife from reproach, an I dont knowwhat would have happened if she had continued to dazzle an

enragehis

creditors

with

the

pearls

an

the

tiara.

Itwillnotbesoeasy tosell thehouse,Tomwenton. Thatsourworstmillstone. Itwasbuilt for large hospitality, andwe have agoodmany friends,and theycomeeveryweekandjumpon to themillstone.

Ifonehastohaveamillstoneheshouldchooseitwithdiscretion,Isaid. Itdoesntpay to get one that is too inviting.Youll have to

swimaround

with

yours

for

awhile,

and

watch

your

chance

to

slip

it

on to some other fellows neck.You dontwant your son tobe amillstonaire.Somedayamanofmillionsmay find itacomfortablefit,anrelieveyou.Theyrebuyinplacesallabouthere.

Tomleftanbeganworkonourprogramme.Theburglarywaswellexecutedanadvertised.Itachievedafairamountofpublicitynottoomuch,youknow,butenough.TheplacewasphotographedbythereporterswiththeplacardForSaleshowinplainlyonthefront

lawn.The

advertisin

was

worth

almost

as

much

as

the

diamonds.

Tomsaidthathiswifehadlostweightsincethesadevent.

Of course, I said. You cant take ten pounds ofjewelry from awomanwithout reducinherweight. Shemusthavehad apintodiamonds.

Pictures an glowin accounts of the villawereprinted in all thepapers,ansoonamillionairewrotethatitwasjusttheplacehewas

lookinfor.

Iclosed

the

deal

with

him.

It

was

Bill

Warburton,

who

usedtogotoschoolwithmeupthereonthehills.HehadlongbeendreaminofahomeinPointview.


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KeepingupwithLizzie

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TheyusedtosaythatBillwasafool,butheprovedanalibi.WentWestyearsagoanmadeafortune,anthought itwouldbenicetocome back an finish his life where it began, near the greatest

Americancity.

Idrew

the

papers,

an

Bill

an

Igot

together

often

an

talkedoftheoldhappydays,nowglimmeringinthefarpastsomethirtyfiveyearsaway,

Well, theyenlarged thehousethatwasalreadybigenough forahotelanbuiltstablesankennelsanpheasantyardsanhousesforducksangeeseanpeacocks.Theystockedupwithfourteenhorses,twelve hounds, nine collies, four setters, nineteen servants,innumerable fowls, an fourmotorcars, an started in pursuit o

happiness.

You see, theyhadno children,anall thesebeastsanbirdswereintended to supply the deficiency in human life, an assist in thecampaign.Well,somehow, itdidntsucceed,anonedayBillcameintomy officewith aworried look.He confided tome thewellknownfactthathiswifewasnervousandunhappy.

Thedoctorsdontdoheranygood,anIthoughtIdtryalawyer,

saidhe.

Doyouwant to sueFate fordamagesor indicther formaliciouspersecution?Iasked.

Neither,hesaid,butyouknowthe lawsofnatureaswellasthelawsofmen.Iappealtoyoutotellmewhatlawmywifehasbroken,andhowshecanmakeamends.

Yousurprise

me,

Isaid.

You

an

the

madame

can

have

everything

youwant,anstillyoureunhappy.

Whatcanwehave thatyoucant?Youcaneatasmuch,ansleepbetter,anwearasmanyclothes,anseeanhearaswellaswecan.

Ah,butinthematterofqualityImwaybehindtheflag,Bill.Youcanwearclothogold,anRussiansables,anhavechampagneanterrapineverymeal,an fiddlers toplaywhileyeeat it,anabrass

bandto

march

around

the

place

with

ye,

an

splendid

horses

to

ride,

andogs to roaronaheadanattract theattentionof thepopulace.You canhavea lotofbankruptnoblemen to rubanmanicureanadulateanchiropodizeye,anpeoplewhodhavetolaughatyour


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KeepingupwithLizzie

38

wit or look for another job, an authors to read from their ownworks

Billinterrupted

with

agentle

protest:

Soc,

how

comforting

you

are!

Well,ifallthatislosinitscharm,whatsthematterwithtravel?

Dont talk tomeabout travel, saidBill. Weveworn ruts in theearthnow.Ourfeethavetouchedeveryland.

Howmanymealsdoyoueataday?

Three.

Trysix,Isuggested.

Helaughed,anIthoughtIwasmakinprogress,soIkepton.

Howmanymotorcarshaveye?

Four.

Get eight, I advised, as Bill put on the loud pedal. Youve gotnineteenservants, Ibelieve, try thirtyeight.Youhavetwentyonedogsgetfortytwo.Youcanaffordit.

Come,beserious,saidBill.Dontpokefunatme.

Ah!butyourwifemustbeabletoprovethatshehasmoredogsan

horsesan

servants

an

motor

cars,

an

that

she

eats

more

meals

in

aday thananyotherwoman inConnecticut.Then,maybe, shellbe

happy.Youknowitsawomansambitiontoexcel.

Wehave toomany fool thingsnow, saidBill,mournfully. SheshadenoughofthemGodknows!

SomethinginBillsmannermademesitupandstareathim.

Ofcourse,

you

dont

mean

that

she

wants

another

husband!

Iexclaimed.


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KeepingupwithLizzie

39

Im not so sure of that, said Bill, sadly. Sometimes Im almostinclinedtothinkshedoes.

Well,thats

one

direction

in

which

Ishould

advise

strict

economy,

saidI.Youcanmultiplythedogsanthehorses,antheservantsanthemotorcars,butinthematterowivesanhusbandsweoughttosticktothesimplelife.DontlethergotocompetingwiththoseFifthAvenueladies.

I dont know whats the matter, Bill went on. Shes hadeverything that her heart couldwish. But, of course, she has hadonlyonehusband,andmostofher friendshavehad twoor three.

Theyveoutmarried

her.

It

may

be

that,

secretly,

shes

just

alittle

annoyed about that.Many of her old friends are consumedwithenvy;theirbonesarerottenwithit.Theysmileuponher;theyaccepther hospitality; they declare their love, and they long for herdownfall.Now,mywifehasacertainprideandjoy inall this,but,naturally, itbreeds a senseof lonelinessthebitter loneliness thatonemayfindonlyinacrowd.Sheturnsmoreandmoretome,and,betweenourselves,sheseemstohavemadeuphermindthatIdontloveher,andIcantconvinceherthatIdo.

Well,Bill,Ishouldguessthatyouhavealwaysbeenfondofyourwifeandtruetoher.

Andyouareright,saidBill.Ivelovedwithallmyheartandwitha conscience. Itsmy onlypride, for, of course, Imighthavebeengay.InsocietyIenjoyareputationforfirmness.Itisnoidleboast.

Well,Bill,youcantdoanythingmoreforherinthematteroffood,

raiment,beasts,

or

birds,

an

as

to

jewelry

she

carries

apretty

heavy

stock. I often feel the need of smoked glasseswhen I look at her.Youllhavetomakeupyourmindastowhethersheneedsmoreorless. Ill study the situationmyself. Itmaybe that I can suggestsomethingbyandbyjustasamatteroffriendship.

Yourcommonsensemaydiscernwhatisneeded,saidBill.Iwishyoud come at least once a week to dinner. My wife would bedelighted,tohaveyou,Soc.Youareoneofthefewmenwhointerest

her.

Shewasaprettywoman,distinguishedforalookofwearinessandamortalfearoffat.Shehaddonenothingsohardansolong,that,to


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KeepingupwithLizzie

40

her,nothingwasall therewas in theworldsave fat. Shewas sobusyabout it thatshecouldntsitstillanrest.Shewandered fromonechairtoanother,smokinacigarette,annowandthenglancin

ather

image

in

amirror

an

slyly

feelin

her

ribs

to

see

if

she

had

gained flesh thatday.She likedmebecause Iwasunlikeanyothermanshehadmet.Ipokedfunatherfollyanallthegrandeuroftheplace. Iamusedherasmuchassheamusedme,perhaps.Anyhow,wegottobegoodfriends,anthenextSundaywealldroveoutinamotorcar to see Lizzie.Mrs. Billwanted tomeet her. Lizzie hadbecome famous. Shewaswalkin up an down the lawnwith theinfant in aperambulator, an the smallboy toddling alongbehindher.WeleftMrs.BillwithLizzieanthekids,ansetoutforatramp

overthe

big

farm.

When

we

returned

we

found

the

ladies

talkin

earnestlyinthehouse.

BeforeweleftIcalledLizzieasideforaminute.

Howdoyougetalongwiththesebabies?Iasked.

Theyre the life of our home.My father andmother think theycouldntlivewithoutthem.

Antheyregoodpracticeforyou,Isuggested.Itstimeyouwereplanninforyourself,Lizzie.

Ivenoprospects,saidshe.

Howisthat?

Why,theresonlyoneboythatIcarefor,anhehashadenoughof

me.

YoudontmeanDan?

Yes,shewhisperedwithtremblinglips,anturnedaway.

Whatsthematter?

Shepulledherself togetherananswered inhalfamoment: Oh, I

dontknow!

He

doesnt

come

often.

He

goes

around

with

other

girls.


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KeepingupwithLizzie

41

Well, I said, its the sameol story.Hesonly tryin tokeepupwithLizzie.Youvedonesomegoinaroundyourself.

Iknow,

but

Icouldnt

help

it.

Heknows,anhecouldnthelp it, Isays. Theboyshave flockedaroundyou,anthegirlshaveflockedaroundDan.Theywereafraidhed get lonesome. If Iwere you Id put amortgage on him anforecloseitassoonaspossible.

Itstoolate,saysshe.Ihearhesmortgaged.

Youdbetter

search

the

records,

Isays,

an

if

it

aint

so,

stop

bein

careless.Youveputyerfatheronhisfeet.Nowlookoutforyerself.

Ithinkhesangryonaccountofthehamwar,saysshe.

Whydoyouthinkthat?

Shetoldmethefacts,anIlaughedtilthetearscametomyeyes.

Nonsense,Isays,

Dan

will

like

that.

You

wait

til

Itell

him,

an

hellbeupherewithhisthrottlewideopen.

DoyousupposehedspendChristmaswithus?sheasked,withaverysoberlook.Youknow,hismotheranfatherhavegoneSouth,anhellbeallalone.

Askhimatoncecallhimonthephone,Iadvised,anbadehergoodbye.

ThehappinessoLizzieanthecharmothosekidshadsuggestedanidea.ImadeupmymindthatIdtrytoputMr.anMrs.BillonthejobokeepinupwithLizzie.

Thatsawonderfulwoman, saidMrs.Bill,aswedroveaway. Ienvy hershes so strong and well and happy. She loves thosebabies,andisinthesaddleeveryafternoon,helpingwiththeworkothefarm.

Whydontyougetintothesaddleandbeaswellandstrongassheis?Billasked.


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KeepingupwithLizzie

42

BecauseIvenoobjectitsonlyawayofdoingnothing,saidMrs.Bill. Imweary of riding for exercise. There neverwas a humanbeingwhocouldkeepituplong.Itslikeyouandyourdumbbells.

Tomy

knowledge

you

havent

set

afoot

in

your

gymnasium

for

amonth.Asamatteroffact,youreastiredofplayasIam,everybit.

WhydontyougointoWallStreetangetpoor?

Tiredofplay!Billexclaimed. Why,Grace,nightbefore lastyouwereplayingbridgeuntilthreeoclockinthemorning.

Well,itsawayofdoingnothingskilfullyandonthecompetitiveplan,saidshe.Itgivesmeachancetomeasuremycapacity.WhenI

getthrough

Iam

so

weary

that

often

Ican

go

to

sleep

without

thinking.Itseemstomethatbrainsareagreatnuisancetoonewhohas no need of them. Of course, byandby, theyll atrophy anddisappear likethetailsofourancestors.Meanwhile,Isupposetheyareboundtogetsore.Mineissuchafierce,illbred,impudentsortofabrain,anditsasbusyasabat inabelfry.Ioftenwish thatIhadoneofthosesoft,flexible,paralytic,cockerspanielbrains,likethatofourfriendMrs.Seavey.Sheissohappywithitsounterrified.Sheisequallyathomeinbedoronhorseback,readingthelastbestseller

orpouring

tea

and

compliments.

Now

just

hear

how

this

brain

of

mineisgoingonaboutthatpoor,inoffensivecreature!Butthatsthewayittreatsme.Itsaperfectheathenofabrain.

BillanIlookedateachotheranlaughed.Hertalkconvincedmeofonethingthathertroublewasnotthelackofabrain.

Yourealwaysmaking funofme,she said. Whydontyougivemesomethingtodo?

Supposeyouwashthedishes?saidBill.

Woulditpleaseyou?

Anythingthatpleasesyoupleasesme.

Isaw thatshe, too,wasgoin to try tokeepupwithLizzie,an IdecidedthatIdhelpher.Whenwearrivedatthevillawemadeour

wayto

its

front

door

through

apack

of

collie

dogs

out

for

an

airing.

Bytheway,Isaid,whenwesatdowntoluncheonatBillshouse,congratulateme.Imacandidatefornewhonors.


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KeepingupwithLizzie

43

Thoseofahusband?Ivebeenhopingforthatyoustubbornoldbachelor.saidMrs.Bill,expectantly.

No,Ianswered,

Im

to

be

afather.

Billputdownhisforkanturnedanstaredatme.Mrs.Billleanedbackinherchairwitharedlookofsurprise.

Thegladdest,happiestpapainConnecticut,Iadded.

Mrs.Billcoveredherfacewithhernapkinanbegantoshake.

SSoc.,

have

you

fallen?

Bill

stammered.

No, Iveriz, Isaid. Dontblameme,olman, Ihad todo it. Iveadoptedsomeorphans. Imgoin tohaveanorphanageon thehill;but itwill take a year to finish it. Im goin to have five children.Theyrebeauties,anIknowthatImgointolovethem.Iproposetotakethemoutoftheatmosphereofindigenceanwholesalecharity.Theyllhaveanormal,pleasanthome,anahiredmotheranmetolookafterthemthepersonaltouch,youknow.Iexpecttohavealot

offun

with

them.

Butwhataresponsibility!saidMrs.Bill.

Iknow,butIfeeltheneedofit.Ofcourseitsdifferentwithyouverydifferentyouhaveallthesedogsanhorsestoberesponsibleforantogiveyouamusement.Icouldntaffordthat.Then,too,Imalittleodd,Iguess.Icangetmorefunoutofonehappy,humansoulthanoutofallthedogsanhorsesincreation.

Butchildren!Why,theyresosubjecttosicknessandaccidentanddeath,saidMrs.Bill.

Antheyresubject,also,tohealthanlifeansafety,Ianswered.

Yes,but you knowtheyllbe getting into all kinds of trouble.Theyllworryyou.

True;but

as

for

worry,

Idont

mind

that

much,

Isaid.

My

best

days were those that were full of worry. Now, that Ive won acompetenceanmyworriesaregone,so ishalfmyhappiness.Youcant have sunshine without shadows. There was one of my


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KeepingupwithLizzie

44

neighborswhowastroubledwithboils.Hehadtohaveemcuredrightaway,anadoctorgavehimsomemedicinethathealedemup,buthewasworseoffthanever.Theboilsbegantodobusinessinside

ofhim,

an

he

rushed

back

to

the

doctor.

Whatsthematternow?saidthemedicalman.

OutsideImsoundasadollar,saidmyneighbor,butitseemsasifallhellhadmovedintome.

Now, caresare likeboils: itdontdo toget ridof em tooquick.Theyreoftenagreat relief to the insideofaman,an itsbetter to

haveem

on

the

surface

than

way

down

in

your

marrow.

Billanhiswifelookedintoeachotherseyesforhalfaminute,butneitherspoke.

Imgoin toaska favorofyou, Isaid. Isee that theresnobodylivinintheoldfarmhouseoutbackofthegarden.IwishyoudletmeputmylittlefamilyintoituntilIcanbuildahomeforem.

Oh,my!

Mrs.

Bill

exclaimed.

Those

children

would

be

running

all

overthelawnsandthegarden.Theyddestroymyroses.

True;but,afterall,theyremorebeautifulthantheroses,Iurged.Theyremoregraceful in form,morecharming incolor.Then, too,rosescannotlaughorweeporplay.Rosescannotlookupatyououtofeyesfullofthelightofheavenanbrighterthanyourjewels.Rosesmaydelight,buttheycannotloveyouorknowthatyoulovethem.Dearwoman,myroseswillwanderoverthelawns.Theircolorswill

beflickering

about

you,

and

the

music

of

their

voices

will

surround

thevilla somedays;but,Godknows, theyll lookbetter, farbetterthan thedogs or thebronze lions, or the roses. I shalldress themwell.

Ithinkhesright,saidBill.

Hesmostdisturbingandpersuasiveanywaythe revolutionist!saidMrs.Bill.Ifitsreallyafavortoyou,Mr.Potter,Ishallagreeto

it.But

you

must

have

atrusty

woman.

Ireally

cannot

assume

any

responsibility.


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KeepingupwithLizzie

45

Ithankedherandpromisedtoassumeallresponsibility,andMrs.Warburtonwastogettheoldhousereadyatonce.

Threedays

later

Idrove

to

the

villa

with

my

matron

and

the

babies.

Ratherquickwork,wasntit?Ihadntletanygrassgrowundermyplan.Whenwe litat the frontdooreveryyoungsterbrokeout inaloud hurrah of merriment. The threeyearold boybeautifulbeyondallwordsgotaboardoneofthecrouchedlionsandbegantoshout.AlittlegirlmadeagrabatthemorninggloriesonaDoriccolumn,whilehersisterhadmountedaswingingseatan tumbledto the floor.Theother twowerechattering likeparrots.Honestly, Iwasscared.IwasafraidthatMrs.Billwouldcomedownandjump

intohysterics.

Isnaked

the

boy

off

the

lions

back

and

rapped

on

him

fororder.Thematrongotbusywiththeothers.Inajiffyitseemedasif they had allbegun to wail an roar. I trembled when amaidopened the door an I sawMrs. Bill comin down the staircase. Iwouldnthavebeensurprisedtohaveseenthebronzeliongetupanrun.

The saints defend us! exclaimedMrs. Bill, in themidst of theuproar.

Theyrenotattheirbest,Ishouted,butheretheyare.

Yes, Iknew theywere there,saidMrs.Bill. This is themusicofwhichyouwerespeakingtheotherday.Takethemrightaroundtotheoldhouse,ifyouplease.Imsorry,butImustaskyoutoexcusemethismorning.

Isucceededinquellinthetumult,andintroducedthematron,who

receivedanod

an

alook

that

made

adent

in

her,

an

away

we

went

aroundthegreathouse,amelancholy,shufflingtroop,nowsilentasthe grave. It looked dark formy littlebattalionwithwhich I hadbeenhopingtoconquerthisworldwithinthevillagates.Theywereofthegreatarmyofthefriendless.

IaskedMrs.Hammond, thematron, to see that theydidas littledamageaspossible,andleftthemsurroundedbyeverycomfort.

Theyhad

atelephone

and

unlimited

credit

at

the

stores,

an

Mrs.

Hammondwasamotherly soulofmuchexperiencewith children,anIknewthatIcouldtrusther.


52/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

46

Iwas todinewith theWarburtons later in theweek,anbefore IenteredthebighousethateveningIwentaroundtothe lodge.Thechildren were all well an asleep in their beds, an the matron

apparentlyhappy

an

contented.

She

said

that

Mrs.

Bill

had

met

theminthegroundsthatday,anshetoldhowthelittlethreeyearoldboyhadexertedhischarmsuponmyladyWarburton,whohadspenthalfanhourleadinghimthroughthegardens.

Howbeautiful hewas lying asleep in hisbed that evening!hisfacelike theolddreamsofEros,withsilken,yellow,curly locksonhisbrow,an longdark lashes,softas thesilkof thegrowingcorn,anaredmouth,sowonderfullycurved,soappealing initssilence.

Beneathit

were

teeth

like

carved

ivory.

Those

baby

lips

seemed

to

speaktomeandtosay:Omanthatwasbornofawoman,andlikemewashelpless,givemeyourloveorlooknotuponme!

But I could not help looking, an as I looked he smiled inwhatdreamsofthingspastortocomeIwishitwereinmetotellyou.Something touchedmelike a strong hand. Iwent outunder thetrees in the darkness an stood still an wondered what hadhappened to me. Great Scott!me! Socrates Potter, lawyer,

statesman,horse

trader!

WiththatlittlecaptainIcouldtakeacity,Iwhispered,anIgotupanbrushedmyselfoff,as itwere,anwalked around to the frontdoorofthegreathouse.

Therein Iwas towitness an amusing comedy.Thebutlerwore anewsortofgrinashetookmywrapsatthedoor.Therewereguests,mostlyfromNewYorkanGreenwich.Wehadtakenourseatsatthe

tablewhen,

to

my

surprise,

Mrs.

Bill,

in

agrand

costume,

with

atiara

onherhead,anacollarofdiamondsonherneck,begantoservethecaviar.

Ladiesandgentlemen,said she, this is toconvinceMr.SocratesPotter that I candousefulwork. Imdieting, anyhow, and I canteat.

Myfriend,Iobservethatyouareservingus,andweareproud,but

youdo

not

appear

to

be

serving

apurpose,

Isaid.

Now,dontspoilitallwithyourrelentlesslogic,shebegan.Yousee, I am going to take a hand in this keepingupwithLizzie


53/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

47

business.Oneofour ladieshad togiveupadinnerpartytheotherday,becauseherbutlershadleftsuddenly.

Whydidnt

you

and

amaid

serve

the

dinner

yourselves?

Isaid.

Impossible!washerproudanswer.

Itwouldhavebeenafinelark.Iwouldhavedoneit,Isaid.

Idliketoseeyou,shelaughed.

Youshall,Ianswered,andhereIam.

Now,therewerecertainsmileswhichledmetosuspectthatitwasablowaimedatoneoftheladieswhosatatthetablewithus,butofthatIamnotsure.

Imalsogettingmyhand in,ourhostesswenton. Billand Iaregoing to trythesimple life.Tomorrowwemove into the logcabin,wherewe shalldoour ownwork, and send the servantsoff for aweeks holiday. Im going to do the cookingIvebeen learning

howandIshall

make

the

beds,

and

Bill

is

to

chop

the

wood,

and

helpwashthedishes,andweshallsleepoutofdoors.Itwill,Ihope,bealessontosomeoftheseproudpeoplearounduswhoarelivingbeyondtheirmeans.Thatsgood,isntit?

Excellent!Iexclaimed,astheotherslaughed.

Incidentally,itwillhelpmetoreduce,sheadded.

Anit

promises

to

reduce

Bill,

Isaid.

It

will

kill

Bill,

Ifear,

but

it

willpay.YoumightchangeyourplanalittleJustalittleansavepoorBill.Think of eatingbiscuit an flapjacks from the hand of asocialleader!Betweenthemillstonesofdutyandindigestionhewillbe sadly ground,butwith the axe hemay, if hewill, defend hisconstitution.

Well,whatsaconstitutionbetweenhusbandandwife?sheasked.Nothin.Isays.BearinmindIwouldntdiscourageyou.Withthe

aidof

the

axe

his

ancestors

were

able

to

withstand

the

assaults

of

porkanbeansanpie.Ifheusesitfreely,heissafe.


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KeepingupwithLizzie

48

Yousee,Ishallhavehiminapositionwherehemustworkordie,saidMrs.Bill.

Helldie,

said

aguest.

Icall itaworthyenterprisewhatever theexpense, Isaid. Itwillsetafashionhereanaverygoodone.Inthiscommunitytherearesomany dear ladies who are prisoners of gravitation. They relyalmostexclusivelyonhiredhandsan feet,anare losin theuseotheirown.WhatconfusionwillspreadamongthemwhentheylearnthatMrs.WilliamHenryWarburton,therichestwomaninFairfieldCounty,andthedaughterofabishop,hasbeendoinherownwork!

Whatconsternation!

What

dismay!

What

female

profanity!

What

arevisionofhabitsan resolutions!Why, theresbeennothin like it

sincethedescentofLizzie.

I think its terrible, saida fat lady fromLouisville,distinguishedfor her appetite, an often surreptitiously referred to as TheMammoth Cave of Kentucky. The idea of trying to make itfashionabletoenduredrudgery!Ithinkwewomenhaveallwecandonow.

Tobe respectable, saidMrs. Bill; but lets try to do somethingelse.

Whydont you form aLadiesProtectiveUnion,Bill suggested,anchoosethetiaraforasymbol,anstrikefornohoursadayanallyourhusbandscanearn?

Andtheemploymentofskilledidlersonly,Mrs.Billputin.They

mustall

know

how

to

do

nothing

in

the

modern

wayby

discussing

therightsofwomenandthenoveloflust,andthedivorcespastandprospective,byplayingatbridgeandbenevolence.Howabsurditallis!Imnotgoingtobeanovergrownchildanylonger.

Isaw thatMrs.Billwasmakinprogress,anwithherassistance Ibegantohopeforbetterthingsinthatneighborhood.

Youvegottoreachthewomensomehow,yousee,beforeyoucan

improvethe

social

conditions

of

acommunity.

Ilove

them,

but

many

are overgrown children, asMrs.Bill hadput it, andoin nothingwithsingularskillandeterminationanoftenwithappallingenergy.


55/68

KeepingupwithLizzie

49

Ourprettyhostesshadbeenhelpingabutler,asthistalkwenton,anpresentlyoneof theother ladiesjoinedher,anneverwasanycompanysopicturesquelyanamusinglyserved.

Ivequitefalleninlovewiththatthreeyearoldboy,saidMrs.Bill,aswerosefromthetable.Ihadagoodrompwithhimtoday.

Iwish youd go over to the old farmhousewithme; Iwant toshowyousomething,Isaid.

In amomentwewere inwraps anmaking ourway across thelawn.

IwasgladtogetarapatthatMrs.Barrow,shewhispered,aswewalkedalong. Shesjustgotbackherjewels thatwere stolen,andhasbegun to go out again. Shes the vainest, proudest fool of awoman, and her husband is always borrowing money. Did youknowit?

Somethatis,fairlywell,Isaid,withbitterness.

Sodoes

Bill,

and

she

goes

about

with

the

airs

of

agrand

lady

and

the silliest notions.Really, itwas for herbenefit that I helped theb

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Keeping Up With Lizzie