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7/30/2019 Keepin' Busy (01x01) Alternate Pilot Script by Craig Mara
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KEEPIN BUSYTHE PILOT (01x01)
BY Craig Mara & John Berger
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KEEPIN BUSYTHE PILOT (01x01)
STORY BY Craig Mara & John BergerWRITTEN BY Craig Mara
416-992-0822 or [email protected] Craig Mara, 2012, All Rights Reserved
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1TEASERSCENE A
INT. CAR-TWILIGHT
A YOUNG MAN-JAKE- SLOUCHES IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, AS
HIS FRIEND RICHARD DRIVES IN A PANIC. A FASHIONABLY
DRESSED YOUNG MAN SITS IN THE BACK SEAT-GREG.
JAKE
I swear I never would have done
business with him I had heard
(EMPHASIZES) that accent.
RICHARD
Texting has really helped them
Russians snake out a lot of deals.
GREG
You need the text to voice app. It
would have seen the text was from
Sergvei and then would
automatically apply (EMPHASIZES)
that accent. You hear that accent,
and lose trust. Problem prevented.
JAKE FROWNS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.
JAKE
Greg, just find some music. This
is a memory well cherish forever,
and I dont want to have driven
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2out here in a wild panic without
having a good soundtrack.
GREG FLIPS THROUGH A MILK CARTON FILLED WITH VINYL
RECORDS.
GREG
Here.
GREG HANDS JAKE A VINYL RECORD, JAKE FROWNS AND TAKES
THE RECORD OUT OF ITS CASE. JAKE LOOKS AT THE CD
PLAYER AND FROWNS.
GREG
(SARCASTIC) Umm, the glove box.
(SERIOUS) Just like where every
other record player in the world
is in every car.
JAKE
Good point.
JAKE OPENS THE GLOVE BOX; PAPERS FALL OUT. GREG SHAKES
HIS HEAD.
GREG
Maybe the next car Richard gets
will be more with the times.
RICHARD
Hey I heard that. Who still
listens to vinyl anyway?
GREG
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3Who starts a bee farm? And
furthermore who makes a deal with
a Russian expecting it to end
well?
JAKE
Dont be ignorant, its a Bee
Auction House. Everyone is into
auctions in this economy and Plan
BeeBay is no plan B. Im an
entrepreneur so rest assured Ive
been busy planning this rock solid
business plan for ages.
QUICK CUT.
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4ACT ONE
SCENE B
INT. COFFEE SHOP-DAY
TWO DAYS AGO IS SHOWN ON SCREEN. JAKE STANDS AT A
COFFEE BAR. A BARISTA HANDS HIM A CUP.
JAKE
Maybe starting a bee auction
business would be cool.
BARISTA
What?
JAKE SHAKES HIS HEAD.
JAKE
You know, so I can do the beard of
bees thing.
BARISTA SHAKES HIS HEAD. JAKE DRINKS FROM THE PAPER
CUP. THE BARISTA, CONFUSED WATCHES. JAKE FINISHES, AND
COUGHS.
JAKE
This is not the beverage I
ordered.
BARISTA
Thats eight peppermint and six
caramel shots.
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5JAKE
I think I know what that would
taste like. Theres clearly coffee
in here. And why would I come here
for the coffee.
BARISTA
I held the coffee! I dont know
what to tell you.
JAKE
Smell my breath and tell me that
doesnt mainly smell like caramel!
JAKE EXHALES AT THE BARISTA AND THE BARISTA TURNS
AWAY. JAKE STIRS HIS MIDDLE AND INDEX FINGER AROUND
THE CUP AND PUTS THEM IN THE BARISTAS FACE.
JAKE
I invite you to smell my fingers.
BARISTA
Easy, Ill pour you another.
JAKE
Hack. Ill be going to another
barista for my flavor shots next
time. I am way too busy for this.
QUICK CUT.
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6SCENE C
INT. JAKES APARTMENT-LIVING ROOM-DAY
JAKE SITS AT A TABLE AND PUTS ON WELDERS GOGGLES.JAKE IGNITES A BLOW TORCH AND MELTS A SNICKERS
CHOCOLATE BAR OVER AN EGGO WAFFLE. JAKE COUGHS, PUTS
DOWN THE BLOW TORCH, AND WAVES AT THE AIR.
JAKE
(LOUD AND ANGRY) Ugh, peanut
fumes!
JAKES TELEPHONE RINGS. 'FREEBIRD' BY LYNYRD SKYNYRD
PLAYS AS THE RINGTONE. JAKE LOOKS AT THE SCREEN AND
SHAKES HIS HEAD AND GETS UP; QUICK CUT. JAKE SINGS
ALONG AS HE SWIFFERS HIS CARPET. QUICK CUT. THE ROOM
IS EMPTY; A TOILET FLUSHES. QUICK CUT. FREEBIRD
FINISHES, AND JAKE RETURNS THE CALL-TO HIS FRIEND
MICHELLE. JAKE OPENS HIS LAPTOP COMPUTER AS THEY TALK.
MICHELLE
(FRUSTRATED) I was hoping you had
grown out of the Freebird phase.JAKE
(SUNG IN TUNE OF FREEBIRD) And
this tone you cannot change. No-o-
o-o-o!
MICHELLE
It isnt polite to be Jakin off
in the presence of a lady. What
are you doing?
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7JAKE CONTINUES TO BURN THE SNICKERS BAR ON THE WAFFLE.
JAKE
Oh you know, Im keepin busy.MICHELLE LAUGHS.
JAKE
I bought a Swiffer to clean the
ground today.
MICHELLE
You have carpet though.
THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF, JAKE GETS UP AND WAVES AN
EGGO AROUND THE ALARM AND COUGHS.
MICHELLE
(SARCASTIC) Oh no, its the toxic
nougat fumes again! Get a fondue
set!
JAKE
This is how a real man fondues!
Its peanut fumes this time!
MICHELLE
A Hershey bar might solve things.
JAKE
Do those have more caffeine in
them? I could use a pick-me-up,
things have been hectic lately.
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8THE FIRE ALARM STOPS. JAKE SITS ON THE COUCH, EXHALES
LOUDLY, AND WORKS ON A LOGO BEEBAY.
JAKE
Disaster averted.
MICHELLE
Speaking of disasters, are you
finished your Masters Thesis
presentation for tomorrow?
JAKE
Ill get to it. I still have a
good (LOOKS AT WRIST WITH NO
WATCH) eighteen hours.
MICHELLE
I thought your presentation was at
Nine oclock?
JAKE
Is it? Oh well, Im not going for
a Masters in Scheduling right?
JAKE YAWNS.
JAKE
Wow, those peanut fumes are really
hitting me.
MICHELLE
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9You have to stop forgetting about
opening windows when you fondue.
JAKE
My dementia must be flaring up
again.
MICHELLE
So after I help in your
presentation tomorrow were all
square for what happened in the
house right?
JAKE
I suppose. How about that eating
challenge I won in there? Twenty-
seven Eggo waffles! How many did
you eat?MICHELLE
(HESITANT) Ten.
JAKE
(YAWNS) Tenwaffles, thats cute.
MICHELLE
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10Make sure to email me the details
before you move onto an Oh Henry
bar.
JAKE
Good idea! Incoming text. See you
at Nine AM.
JAKE HANGS UP. JAKE LOOKS AT HIS PHONE. A TEXT IS
SHOWN FROM SERGVEI, THAT READS BEES?. JAKE ANSWERS
YES AND SMILES.
END ACT ONE
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11ACT TWO
SCENE D
INT. JAKES APARTMENT-BEDROOM-EARLY MORNING
AN ALARM CLOCK SHOWS DISPLAYS SIX AM, AND BUZZES.
JAKE, GROGGY, AWAKES AND SHUTS OFF THE BUZZ SOUND.
JAKE
(GROGGY) Not even yeast could rise
at this hour.
QUICK CUT.INT. JAKES APARTMENT-KITCHEN-EARLY MORNING
JAKE OPENS A FREEZER WHICH CONTAINS ONLY EGGO WAFFLES.JAKE
(TO SELF) Some say variety is the
spice of life, but Eggos are
easier.
JAKE GRABS A BOX, AND SHUTS THE FREEZER. QUICK CUT.INT. JAKES APARTMENT-MORNING
TWO EGGO WAFFLES POP OUT OF THE TOASTER AND JAKE GRABS
THEM. JAKE RIPS THEM INTO STRANDS AND DIPS INTO A
NUTELLA JAR. JAKE LOOKS AT TWO SIMILAR, CONSERVATIVE
SUITS. A KNOCK AT THE DOOR SOUNDS.
JAKE
(TO HIMSELF) Ugh, pants. (LOUDER)
Be right there!
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12JAKE RUNS TO HIS ROOM AND PUTS ON TEARAWAY PANTS,
FASTENS THEM WITH ZIP TIES, THEN PUTS ON A T SHIRT.
JAKEThis better not be the Mormons.
GREG
Try another religion.JAKE
Jehovahs Witness?GREG
You will love our new gym! Theres
a free Jehovahs Fitness water
bottle ifJAKE GRINS AND OPENS THE DOOR. GREG WEARS HORN RIMMED
GLASSES, A SCARF, BOLA TIE, AND SLIM FIT DRESS
CLOTHES. GREG SIPS FROM A PAPER COFFEE CUP. GREG
FROWNS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD WHEN HE SEES JAKES SUITS.
GREG
Those suits are not going to catch
anyones attention. Do you want to
fail?
JAKE LOOKS AT GREG AND MOTIONS AT WHAT HE WEARS.
JAKE
Thats the plan. Life after school
sucks. People lose their way.
Cowboys arent in right now.
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13GREG
Thats the point.
JAKE SHAKES HIS HEAD.
JAKE
I need your fashion advice.GREG
Yee haw!
INT. JAKES APARTMENT-LIVING ROOM-MORNING
GREG SETS HIS BEVERAGE CUP DOWN ON JAKES TABLE.
JAKE
(ANGRY) Youre a guest! Coaster!
JAKE WALKS OVER WAFFLE IN HAND, SETS THE WAFFLE ON THE
TABLE, AND PLACES THE CUP ON TOP. JAKE PICKS UP THE
DRINK AND INSPECTS IT.GREG
New England Clam Chaider.JAKE TAKES A SIP, AND GRIMACES. HE SPITS THE REST UP
INTO HIS WAFFLE, USING IT LIKE A NAPKIN TO WIPE HIS
FACE.JAKE
I dont taste the apple, hows
this a cider?GREG
Philistine.
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14JAKE
Whos Phllyis?
GREG
Yea. Thats about right.THUMPS THROUGH THE WALL ARE HEARD.
JULIO
(LOUD SHOUTS) Noise! Down with
sound!
GREG
Julios got his hearing aid
cranked again.
LOUD BANGS AND NOISES CONTINUE THROUGH THE WALL.
JAKE
(JAKE SHOUTS) Julio, I swear I
will fight you! (TO GREG) Oh no,
hes got the broom again.GREG
Fight fire with fire.
JAKE
Im no well at talking broken
English though.
GREG GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND GRABS A BROOM. GREG HANDS
THE BROOM TO JAKE.
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15GREG
No! The broom!
JAKE HITS THE BROOM AGAINST THE WALL UNTIL JULIOS
THUMPS STOP.
JAKE
Broom goes the dynamite.
GREG
Julio would be a good vocalist for
the band 'Broken English Scene.'JAKE AND GREG EXAMINE JAKES TWO CONSERVATIVE SUITS.
JAKE
Now that the Julio is defeated,
which suit do I wear?GREG
I think the answer is obvious.THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER, AND SMIRK. THEY BOTH BEGIN
TO LAUGH. THEIR LAUGHS BUILD TO FULL BELLY LAUGHS, AND
THEN SUBSIDES.JAKE
Its not obvious. No idea what you
mean.
QUICK CUT TO A SHOT OF JAKES FACE. GREG LOOKS AT HIS
PHONE AND YAWNS.
JAKE
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16So what do you think of my
practice run?GREG LOOKS UP AND FROWNS.
GREG
What?
JAKE WEARS A POWDER BLUE SUIT, WITH BOWTIE AND POWDER
BLUE GLOVES. GREG TOSSES JAKE A BATON, JAKE CATCHES
IT, TWIRLS IT, AND HOLDS IT LIKE A WEAPON.
GREG
You look a bit off balance.
JAKE
I am. Do you have another baton?
GREG SHAKES HIS HEAD, TAKES A PICTURE OF JAKE AND
REMOVES A TOP HAT FROM A BAG.GREG
The suits 9.9 out of 10. Care to
make it a 10 point zero?JAKE SHAKES HIS HEAD, AND WALKS INFRONT OF A LARGE
MIRROR. JAKE ADJUSTS HIS SUIT. GREG COMES OVER AND
ADJUSTS JAKES BOWTIE, AND CHECKS HIS OWN APPEARANCE.JAKE
Are you sure about this suit?GREG
I would never troll you. Time for
work though. See you at 10 point
zero oclock.
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17GREG WALKS AWAY.
JAKE
(INDECISIVE) I dont know man,
theres just something not right.GREG
(INTERRUPTS) Fine, I was trolling
you with the suit. Its awful.JAKE
What? No. Give me the hat!
LOUD BANGS FROM JULIO AGAIN. GREG STARTS BANGING BACK
WITH THE BROOM WHILE JAKE BANGS BACK WITH THE BATON.
QUICK CUT.
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18SCENE E
EXT. UNIVERSITY CAMPUS-DAY
JAKE HOPS OUT THE BACK OF A PICKUP TRUCK THAT ISFILLED WITH VARIOUS ANIMALS, AND HITS ON THE BACK
TRUCK. THE TRUCK DRIVES AWAY. JAKE WALKS THREE STEPS,
AND IS IMMEDIATELY PELTED WITH A SANDWICH. THE LEFT
PART OF JAKES SUIT IS STAINED AND HE GRIMACES AT THE
STAIN.
JAKE
(TO SELF, FRUSTRATED) Great ghost
of Swayze!
JAKE WIPES AWAY THE MAYONNAISE WITH HIS RIGHT HAND,
AND LICKS HIS FINGERSS.JAKE
Mmm. Mayonnaise. (SHOUTING) Jokes
on you! Its delicious!JAKES FRIEND- RICHARD-APPROACHES. RICHARD WEARS A
CHARCOAL GREY SUIT.RICHARD
An aggressive act, towards an
aggressive suit.JAKE
An open faced mayonnaise sandwich
is an odd choice for someone who
considers themselves an academic.
RICHARD
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19The hooligan could have at least
had the decency to throw the other
half though.
JAKE
(WHINING) Its true, I feel off
balance.
RICHARD TAKES A CLOSER LOOK AT JAKES SUIT, AND SMELLS
THE SUIT. HE RECOILS BACK.
RICHARD
Good God Gregs really out trolled
you this time.JAKE
Howd you know it was Greg?
RICHARD
(HOLDS UP PHONE) Hungry Hungry
Hipsters blog.
JAKE
(JAKE SHUFFLES HIS FEET) Whatever,
I got my Danson shoes on. Just
like my boy Ted.RICHARD
Is dancing part of your
presentation?
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20JAKE
No. Im wearing nice shoes just
like Ted Danson does.
RICHARD
Well, Ted never would wear that
suit.
JAKE
High risk, high reward.
RICHARD
You`re somehow still the best
dressed grad student on campus.JAKE
Being a mover and shaker, I
continue to push boundaries in all
areas I choose to participate in.RICHARD AND JAKE WALK UP THE STEPS OF A BUILDING AND ENTER.
INT.CAMPUS BUILDING-DAY
JAKE AND RICHARD STOP.RICHARD
End of the line! As your best
friend, I wish I could make it.JAKE AND RICHARD SHAKE HANDS. RICHARD ENTERS A ROOM.
JAKE CONTINUES DOWN THE HALLWAY. JAKE TIES HIS SHOE,
THEN TAKES A DRINK OUT OF A WATER FOUNTAIN. JAKE
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21CONTINUES AROUND A CORNER AND ENTERS A DOOR WITH A
POSTER ON IT; THE POSTER ADVERTISES HIS THESIS
DEFENCE, JAKE MARBERG, MASTER OF FINE ARTS THESIS
DEFENCE.
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22SCENE F
INT. THESIS DEFENCE ROOM-DAY
JAKE ENTERS THE ROOM. TWO COMPUTERS ARE SETUP ATOPPOSITE SIDES OF THE ROOM. A LARGE PROJECTION SCREEN
IS AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM. THREE MEN STAND WITH
THEIR BACKS TO HIM. PROFESSOR GUINES TURNS AROUND.JAKE
(SHAKES HAND OF PROFESSOR GUINES)
Jake. Pleasure to meet you.PROFESSOR OLDMAN TURNS AROUND. OLDMAN IS VERY OLD AND
LOOKS IN POOR HEALTH.JAKE
(SHAKES HAND OF PROFESSOR OLDMAN)
You must be Professor Oldman.
Jake. Hows she going?PROFESSOR OLDMAN
(CONFUSED) Who is she?PROFESSOR OLDMAN SNEEZES LOUDLY, PULLS A HANKY FROM
HIS POCKET, AND BLOWS HIS NOSE. OLDMAN HOLDS HIS
THROAT AND RUBS IT.
PROFESSOR OLDMAN
There is a certain musk in the
air.
JAKE
Nothing like the smell of
mayonnaise in the morning.
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23PROFESSOR OLDMAN
(FROWNS) Mayonnaise?
THE LAST PROFESSOR TURNS AROUND; IT IS RICHARD.RICHARD
(SMILES) Hey you!
JAKE AND RICHARD, HUG, AND LAUGH. MICHELLE ENTERS AS
THEY AND DO AN INFORMAL HANDSHAKE, SHE SHAKES HER
HEAD. GUINES AND OLDMAN FROWN.
PROFESSOR GUINES
This is not typical of an examiner
student relationship.
RICHARD
Oh, right! We have a conflict of
interest.
JAKE
We made it clear. Thats what the
rules say.
PROFESSOR GUINES SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.
PROFESSOR GUINES
Thats not quite how it works.
PROFESSOR OLDMAN
(ANGRY) I will see to it that
following this presentation, your
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24case be investigated! What exactly
is your relationship?
MICHELLE
Well they used to play that You
show me yours, Ill show you mine
game.
JAKE
Used to?
RICHARD GROANS AND JAKE SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.
RICHARD
(ANGRY) Thats on the record now!
PROFESSOR OLDMAN
Lets get on with it.
THE PROFESSORS SIT AT A TABLE AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM.JAKE TALKS TO MICHELLE CLOSELY.
JAKE
Here are the instructions. Thanks
for wearing that padded bra I
bought you, itll help.
MICHELLE SHAKES HER HEAD AND FROWNS AT JAKES SUIT.
MICHELLE
Greg really out trolled himself
this time. Theres something off
balance about you too.
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25JAKE
I know.
MICHELLE
Im fully paid back after this!
For what happened in the house.
MICHELLE LOOKS AT PROFESSOR OLDMAN, HE SNEEZES AND
WHEEZES.
MICHELLE
We should probably start, (NODS AT
OLDMAN) that one might not have
much time.
QUICK CUT. JAKE STANDS AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM AND
TALKS TO THE EXAMINERS AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM.
MICHELLE SITS AT THE OTHER COMPUTER.JAKE
Welcome all. I will be discussing
the project I have completed over
the last two years. The Thirty
Years War; an often ignored set
of events during European History
lessons. Most people could not
answer the most basic questions
about the event: Who was in it?
Why was it fought? How long did it
last? etc. I will answer these in
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26depth as I focus on a key battle
during the war. Thanks to state of
the art advances in technology, we
now have front row tickets to
observe some of the most epic
battles of all time. We can also
learn from these simulations, so
that the next time there is
medieval warfare, loss of life can
be minimized. This is The Battle
of Breitenfield (1631). I ask now
that you put on these 3D glasses,
as provided by my beautiful
assistant, Michelle.MICHELLE APPROACHES THE PROFESSORS AT THE BACK AND
RICHARD SMILES TO THE OTHER PROFESSORS.
RICHARD
(TO MICHELLE) Three drinks please.
RICHARD LOOKS AT GUINES AND OLDMAN FOR APPROVAL. THEY
BOTH SCOFF AND SCOWL AT RICHARD.
PROFESSOR OLDMAN
This type of behavior does not
bode well for you tenderfoot.
PROFESSOR OLDMAN SNEEZES AGAIN AND COUGHS. JAKE SHAKES
HIS HEAD AND CLEARS HIS THROAT.
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27JAKE
Before I was so rudely interrupted
by the complete lack of
professionalism displayed by
Professor Yates (RICHARD FROWNS),
I was introducing the beautiful
Michelle. If you will; please
distribute the 3D glasses.
MICHELLE HANDS EACH PROFESSOR A PAIR OF 3D GLASSES.
PROFESSOR OLDMAN
A spitting image of a young Judy
Garland!THE EXAMINERS PUT THE 3D GLASSES ON UNDER THEIR NORMAL
GLASSES AND STARE AT THE SCREEN AT THE FRONT OF THE
ROOM. JAKE SITS DOWN AT ONE COMPUTER, AND MICHELLE AT
THE OTHER. THEY BOTH PUT ON HEADSETS. JAKE LOADS UPTHE SIMULATION SOFTWARE- WHICH IS WARCRAFT 2- ON HIS
COMPUTER, WHICH IS ALSO DISPLAYED ON A LARGE SCREEN AT
THE FRONT OF THE ROOM. JAKE WALKS OVER TO MICHELLE.
THE INTRO OF THE GAME PLAYS BUT JAKE HAS MODIFIED THE
INTRO WITH A POOR VOICEOVER, TO BE RELEVANT TO HIS
BATTLE IN TERMS OF NAMES OF ARMIES AND PLACES, AS IT
PREVIOUSLY REFERENCED WARCRAFT EVENTS. JAKE AND
MICHELLE WHISPER THROUGH THEIR HEADSETS TO EACH
OTHER.JAKE
(QUIETLY) OK, you said you knew
this game.MICHELLE
My brothers were also losers.
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28JAKE
Follow the directions exactly! And
don`t even think about using cheat
codes!
MICHELLE
(SARCASTIC) Yes sir!
JAKE REACHES INTO A BAG AND REMOVES A PAIR OF GAMING
GLOVES AND PUTS THEM ON. HE PULLS OUT A MEGA SIZED
BAG OF DORITOS AND A SEVERAL LARGE ENERGY DRINKS. JAKE
FIXATES ON HIS COMPUTER SCREEN.
JAKE
(OVER THE MICROPHONE) I apologize
as the gloves do not match the
suit. (SILENCE) Game on.MONTAGE STYLE SCENE; JAKE EXPLAINS THAT THE UNITS AND
GEOGRAPHY ARE REMINISCENT OF THE ACTUAL BATTLE. THE
SCREEN SHOWS THE PRESENATION AT VARIOUS POINTS ANDFANTASY UNITS IN BATTLE (EG. WIZARDS, MAGI CASTING
SPELLS, TROLLS, ORCS, AND GIANT SEA TURTLES). JAKE
DRINKS AND EATS DORITOS, THEN WIPES HIS HANDS ON HIS
SUIT. JAKE SNAPS HIS FINGERS OBNOXIOUSLY. TIME PASSES
AS SHOWN BY THE CRUMPLING OF THE DORITOS BAG LIKE A
WILTED FLOWER IN TIME LAPSE. FADE AHEAD TO A PIXELATED
SCREEN THAT SHOWS JAKES ARMY, SEVERAL MISCELLANEOUS
WARCRAFT UNITS, AS THEY SURROUND MICHELLES LAST
STRUCTURE AND ADMINISTER ATTACKS TO THE BUILDING. THE
BUILDING IS DESTROYED AND THE GAME ANNOUNCES VICTORY.
JAKE RAISES HIS HANDS IN CELEBRATION. SILENCE. THEEXAMINATION COMMITTEE APPEARS BAFFLED.
JAKE
Victory to Protestants!
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29SCENE G
EXT. CAMPUS-DAY
JAKE WALKS BRISKLY, BREATHES HEAVILY, AND SMOKES ACIGAR. JAKE TAKES SHORT BUT FREQUENT PUFFS OF THE
CIGAR AS THE CIGAR REMAINS IN HIS MOUTH. JAKE REACHES
INTO HIS INNER SUIT POCKET, GRABS A FLASK, AND TAKES A
QUICK SWIG FROM IT, CIGAR STILL IN MOUTH. JAKE HOLDS A
PHONE TO HIS EAR AND TALKS TO MATTY--LARGE,
OVERWEIGHT, AND BALDING-- WHO SITS AT HIS HOUSE,
SPRAWLED ON HIS COUCH. MATTY EATS CHOCOLATE PROTEIN
POWDER AND WATCHES ENTERTAINMENT NEWS ON THE TV.
JAKE
Matty, you beautiful, fat, twisted
goon, you are late.MATTY
I gotta watch the hellraiser.JAKE
Make the old lady do it. I just
finished, (JAKE LOOKS AT HIS
WATCH) my watch battery died and
the time is stuck on beer oclock.MATTY
The boss is working at the shop.
JAKE
Oh, hell, bring your daughter. She
probably isnt much younger than
the girls in university. The point
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30is we have to close this out and I
am guessing youre rarin to go.MATTY
I guess itll just be good to get
out of the house.MATTY HANGS UP THE PHONE AND TURNS HIS HEAD.
MATTY
(LOUDLY) I bet you cant keep a
secret from Mommy. Get the saddle.CUT TO JAKE. HE REACHES INTO HIS COAT, REMOVES HIS FLASK, AND
TAKES A QUICK SWIG FROM IT AS HE PUFFS ON THE CIGAR.
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31SCENE H
INT.CAMPUS BAR-DAY
JAKE SITS ON A STOOL WITH HIS TOP HAT ON THE BAR, HESIPS A MARTINI. JAKE GRINS AS HE VIEWS PICTURES OF MEN
WITH BEARDS OF BEES ON HIS PHONE. MATTY APPROACHES
WITH HIS DAUGHTER SITTING ON HIS SHOULDERS, ON A
SADDLE --BRIDGET JONES (BJ). SHE WAVES TO JAKE.
BRIDGET JONES (BJ)
Hi Uncle Jake!JAKE GIVES BJ A HIGH FIVE, WHILE MATTY MAKES A TWO
MOTION TOWARDS THE BAR.JAKE
Hi Bridget Jones!MATTY
Call her BJ! Makes the boss livid.
BJ SNIFFS HER NOSE AND SCRUNCHES HER FACE UP.BJ
Uncle Jake, you smell like Daddys
bathroom.
JAKE FROWNS AND SNIFFS HIMSELF AGAIN.
JAKE
Liquor, mayonnaise, and farm
animals litte Beej?
THE BARTENDERS HANDS THEM TWO PITCHERS OF BEER, WITH
THREE GLASSES. MATTY SHAKES HIS HEAD AND WAVES THE
GLASSES AWAY.
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32MATTY
I admit my odor is farmlike. Those
are the pheromones. (TO BARTENDER)
Shirley Temple for this one.
JAKE AND MATTY DRINK STRAIGHT FROM THEIR PITCHERS.BJ
You were just drinking by yourself
at home you dont need more,
Daddy!
MATTY
(TO JAKE) Just like her mom.
JAKE LAUGHS AND SMILES.JAKE
(LOUDLY) To living the dream!
MATTY AND JAKE CHEERS THEIR PITCHERS AND START TO
CHUG. MATTY WALKS OVER TO THE JUKEBOX WITH BJ ON HIS
SHOULDERS AND PUTS ON 'BANG A GONG (GET IT ON)' BY T-
REX. MATTY STARTS TO DANCE AND BITES HIS LOWER LIP. BJ
LAUGHS. MATTY SITS DOWN AGAIN AND DRINKS WITH JAKE, BJ
SITS ON A BARSTOOL BETWEEN THEM. MATTY EATS THE FREE
JAM AND PEANUT BUTTER PACKETS EXCESSIVELY. JAKE CHUGS
A BEER OUT OF HIS TOP HAT, AND WHEN FINISHED HE PUTS
IT ON BJS HEAD.JAKE
Lets do a Manhattan Project.MATTY
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33That sounds too devastating for
me.JAKE
Itll get you bombed I guess, (TO
THE BARTENDER) Launch us two
Manhattans, and two Jager shots.
BJ
(WHINING) I want one launched too!MATTY
(SHAKES HEAD) Nope, nope, nope,
nope.JAKE
Cmon Matty, no one gets exploded
(PAUSES) I mean excluded from the
Manhattan Project, young or old;
male or female.JAKE LOOKS OVER AND SMILES AT HER AND NODS. JAKE WAVES
OVER AT THE BARTENDER AND THE BARTENDER APPROACHES.JAKE
(TO THE BARTENDER) Virgin
Manhattan and a Dr. Pepper shot.THE BARTENDER SLIDES THE DRINKS DOWN AND JAKE PUTS
THEM IN FRONT OF BJ.JAKE
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34Alright. Fat Man, Little Girl.
Launch your weapons.JAKE PICKS UP THE MANHATTAN WITH MATTY AND BJ FOLLOWS
HIS ACTION. JAKE PICKS UP HIS JAGER SHOT AND DROPS ITIN THE MANHATTAN. THEY CHUG, AND EVERYONE CHEERS.
MATTY
That flavor really, really caught
me off guard.
BJ
I cant wait for mommy to make me
a Manhattan Project for my lunch
at school!JAKE
(TURNS TO MATTY AND SHRUGS, LOUD
AND DRUNKENLY) I cant believe Im
done Grad School. Like really? Is
that it?
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35SCENE I
INT. THESIS DEFENCE ROOM-DAY
MICHELLE, RICHARD, PROFESSOR GUINES, AND PROFESSOR
OLDMAN SIT IN JAKES EXAMINATION ROOM. SILENCE HANGS
OVER THE ROOM; A CLOCK TICKS EACH SECOND. PROFESSOR
OLDMAN COUGHS. ALL WEAR 3D GLASSES.PROFESSOR GUINES
Surely he doesnt think that is
it.
PROFESSOR OLDMAN
How unprofessional!
RICHARD
I know, students these days!
PROFESSOR OLDMAN
Well phone your friend!
RICHARD PULLS HIS PHONE OUT AND DIALS. RICHARD SMILES AT THE
OTHER PROFESSORS.
RICHARD
Hey there buddy.
QUICK CUT.
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36SCENE J
EXT. CAMPUS-DAY
A LONG SILHOUETTE SHOT SHOWS JAKE AS WAVES HIS BATON
AND DIRECTS MATTY WITH IT. BJ SITS ON MATTYS
SHOULDERS. MATTY KNEELS DOWN, OUT OF BREATH. BJ
LAUGHS, AND JAKE STOPS AND TURNS AROUND.JAKE
(SHOUTING) You goon!BJ
(SLAPS HIS SIDE) Daddy! Go!
MATTY
(HEAVILY BREATHES AND CLUTCHES
CHEST) I think its the big one!JAKE PAUSES A FEW SECONDS, TAKES A QUICK SWIG FROM HIS
FLASK, AND THEN CONTINUES TO SPRINT.
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37SCENE K
INT. THESIS DEFENCE ROOM-DAY
JAKE ENTERS OUT OF BREATH AND INTOXICATED. JAKE HOLDSHIS FINGER OUT AND POINTS IT IN THE DIRECTION OF THE
EXAMINATION TABLE, SLOWLY MOVING IT FROM LEFT TO
RIGHT.JAKE
I found you!
AWKWARD SILENCE. MICHELLE WAVES.MICHELLE
So nice meeting all of you nice
young men.PROFESSOR OLDMAN
What a doll!MICHELLE LEAVES THE ROOM.
RICHARD
The spitting image of a young Judy
Garland.
PROFESSOR OLDMAN FROWNS AT RICHARD.
RICHARD
Welcome back. Professor Guines
will begin with his questions.PROFESSOR GUINES
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38Being an expert in this field, I
was blown away with the attention
to detail in the simulation, and
the historical accuracy.JAKE
Thank you. It was a lot of work
using a pre-existing simulation
software for a new application.
PROFESSOR GUINES LAUGHS, JAKE AND RICHARD JOINAWKWARDLY.
PROFESSOR GUINES
Very innovative, although I have
seen similar simulations using Age
of Empires 3, and Starcraft 2.
What are the reasons you chose
Warcraft 2 for your simulation?JAKE
Fantastic question. Warcraft 2 was
chosen by me for its versatility
and range of land, air, and sea
battle units. All of these units
can be correlated with real
soldiers in the battle. Secondly,
the fantasy and magical aspects of
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39Warcraft 2 are not as extreme as
those other softwares. Warcraft 2
is closer to reality.PROFESSOR GUINES
That clears it up. Professor
Yates, hes all yours.RICHARD
Im going to make this brief. As a
materials engineer, I noticed you
chose not to upgrade the weaponry
or armor of your gryphon riders
during simulation, please justify
this choice.JAKE
This question is actually covered
in the written report, which you
should have read, but clearly have
not. (RICHARD FROWNS) The upgrades
were not completed as the
equipment used by my army was
relatively primitive; upgrades
would have made the technological
capabilities of my army far too
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40advanced, thus making the
simulation unrealistic.RICHARD
Thanks. Professor Oldman, you can
now examine Jake.PROFESSOR OLDMAN
(ANGRY) I have never seen a
project with such little
relevance, pulled off so lazily.
This is college level at best!
JAKE
It is a real time strategy game,
used to simulate actual battles.
Emphasis on the real. (A SHOT OF
AN ORC IS SHOWN FIGHTING A WIZARD
ON THE FRONTSCREEN). OK, so some
of the soldiers and units are not
based in reality but that is just
splitting hairs. The exact
battleground was recreated and
units were metaphors for actual
battle units.PROFESSOR OLDMAN
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41(ANGRY) A Masters thesis should
have an extensive amount of work
incorporated into it! This is not
the place for you to play your
video, drink your sugar, and make
plans with your friends for
playing the Ill show you yours
Ill show you mine game!
JAKE
(NODS HEAD) Hmmmm yes, very good.PROFESSOR OLDMAN
(CONFUSED) You have wasted my time
with this presentation! I see no
way of passing you! You must do
more work to pass!JAKE
(NODDING HEAD) Hmmm yes, very
interesting.
PROFESSOR OLDMAN
(CONFUSED) I do not understand
your reaction. And as for you
Professor Yates, I will make sure
the university knows of your
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42corrupt behavior. This does not
bode well for your career.PROFESSOR OLDMAN COUGHS AND SNEEZES HEAVILY. RICHARD CLAPS HIM
ON THE BACK.JAKE
Bless you.
RICHARD
Its his soul trying to escape.
PROFESSOR OLDMAN LETS OUT A FINAL SNEEZE AND COLLAPSES
ONTO THE TABLE. AN AWKWARD SILENCE. JAKE AWKWARDLY
SMILES, AND QUIETLY BELCHES, COVERING HIS MOUTH WITH
HIS HAND.
JAKE
God bless your soul, for it has
tried to escape.
MATTY CRASHES THROUGH THE DOOR WITH BJ ON HIS
SHOULDERS. MATTY WHEEZES FOR AIR, GRASPS HIS CHEST AND
FALLS TO HIS KNEES. QUICK CUT.
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43SCENE L
INT. CAMPUS BUILDING-DAY
GREG AND MICHELLE WALK TOWARDS THE EXAMINATION ROOM.
GREG HOLDS A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND PACES.
GREG
He must have failed by now.MICHELLE
Soon.A PARAMEDIC TEAM EXITS THE ROOM WITH PROFESSOR OLDMAN
ON A STRETCHER. MATTY IS ALSO REMOVED ON A STRETCHER,AND CLUTCHES HIS CHEST, BJ SITS ON HIS CHEST. BJ HOPS
DOWN AND HOLDS MICHELLES HAND.MICHELLE
I guess youre used to this by
now, eh?
BJ
Daddy gets this way when he eats
too much peanut butter with
Manhattan Projects.
RICHARD AND JAKE EXIT THE ROOM, AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS
IN DISSATISFACTION. JAKES RIGHT HAND RUBS HIS CHEST
INSIDE HIS SHIRT AND HE WINCES.
GREG
Is Mattys high cholesterol
contagious?MICHELLE
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44
Is the big one a-comin?JAKE MOANS, HIS ARM SHAKES. JAKE PULLS A PIECE OF
PAPER FROM INSIDE HIS SHIRT, AND BREAKS INTO ANCELEBRATORY SHOUT. RICHARD, GREG, AND BJ APPLAUD AND
CHEER. MICHELLE FROWNS.
JAKE
(STOIC AND SERIOUS) All hail
mayonnaise!GREG
(GREG SEES HIS SUIT AND HAT) Hey,
what? Mayonnaise doesnt come out!RICHARD
Turns out Professor Oldman has one
pesky mayonnaise allergy. Greg,
had you not given him this suit,
Jake would be out a degree and I
out a job.MICHELLE
Thats truly Miracle Whip.
JAKE
(JAKE INSPECTS HIS HAND) It is a
miracle. Im never washing this
baby again! Greg, your terrible
fashion sense saved me.
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45GREG FROWNS.
RICHARD
Clause 14-D in the School of
Graduate Studies Guidelines states
that, Shall an examiner be unable
to sign off on a passing thesis, a
decision will be reached regarding
the candidate by the remaining
examiners.
MICHELLE
(SHOCKED) A default pass for that
presentation? You better hope he
doesnt wake up.
RICHARD
Well atleast we know the beasts
weakness.
JAKE
OK guys. (PAUSES) I feel like I
really dodged a bullet there. Best
we call her a day, sober up, and
reconvene tomorrow for a quiet
brunch.
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46SCENE M
INT. JAKES APARTMENT-NIGHT
INSIDE JAKES APARTMENT THE DOOR OPENS AND MICHELLE
CARRIES AN INTOXICATED JAKE INTO THE HOUSE, HIS TOPHAT IS COMPLETELY FRAYED AND HAS A PIECE OF PEPPERONI
ON IT. JAKE WEARS A NOVELTY ABRAHAM LINCOLN MASK,
MICHELLE REMOVES IT AND FROWNS. JAKE PULLS TOWARDS
MICHELLE AS IF TO KISS HER. MICHELLE HOLDS UP THE
ABRAHAM LINCOLN MASK, AND JAKE KISSES IT. A DISGUSTED
MICHELLE LOOKS ON AS JAKE MAKES OUT WITH THE MASK.
JAKE PULLS AWAY SATISFIED. QUICK CUT, THE DOOR SLAMS
AND JAKE SLEEPS ALONE IN HIS BED.
END ACT TWO
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47ACT 3
SCENE N
INT. JAKESS APARTMENT-BEDROOM-TWILIGHT
A CLOCK READS 5:30 PM. JAKES PHONE WAKES HIM, AND
PLAYS FREEBIRD.JAKE GETS OUT OF BED, PANTSLESS, ANDSEES RICHARD HAS LEFT SEVERAL MESSAGES FOR HIM. JAKE
LOOKS AT THE PHONE.
JAKE
Those damn Russians.
QUICK CUT.
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48
SCENE O
INT. RICHARDS CAR-TWILIGHT
RICHARD DRIVES, JAKE SMILES IN THE SIDE SEAT, AND THE THREE OF
THEM LISTEN TO TRAFFIC NEWS. RICHARD PULLS INTO THE BEE FARM
PARKING LOT.
JAKE
I just hope Michelles house has a
wheelchair ramp after everything
we did last night.
THEY EXCHANGE HIGH FIVES. A MAN IN A BEEKEEPR SUIT RUNS TOWARDS
THE CAR. RICHARD FROWNS AND LOCKS THE DOORS.
RICHARD
(MUTTERING) Man, this bro looks
totally sketch.JAKE UNLOCKS HIS DOOR MANUALLY.
JAKE
Thats Victor!THE BEEKEEPER-VICTOR- PULLS HIS HELMET OFF KNEELS DOWN
NEAR THE CAR WINDOW. JAKE ROLLS DOWN HIS WINDOW.VICTOR
Oh, Ill tell you what boys, shes
all gone to hell! You cant trust
a Russian in this business!
GREG
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49See Jake.
JAKE
Howd you know I was dealing with
a Russian?
VICTOR
The Russians deal those African
killer bees! And thats what we
have to deal with now in my
sanctuary.JAKE
We cant spray or use traps...
thatll risk killing all of the
bees. We need to do a controlled
burn.QUICK CUT.
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50SCENE P
EXT. BEEKEEPERS PARKING LOT- TWILIGHT
JAKE, RICHARD, AND VICTOR EXAMINE A SCHEMATIC OF THE
BEEFARM, PLACED ON THE HOOD OF RICHARDS CAR. GREG
HOLDS UP HIS PHONE AND RECORDS IT. JUST LIKE HONEY
BY THE JESUS & MARY CHAIN PLAYS.VICTOR
(POINTS ON THE DIAGRAM) I loaded
the bees into this part. But now
theyre loose and raisin hell!JAKE
We can do a prescription burn on
the area where they are likely to
be located.
RICHARD
(POINTS ON THE DIAGRAM) Yes,
starting here. We might take out
some of the good ones but theres
no chance the fire will spread to
the rest of the sanctuary.JAKE
Richard you have some road flares
in that car?RICHARD
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51Affirmative.
RICHARD RUNS TO THE TRUNK OF THE CAR.
JAKE
All we need now is some
hairspray...RICHARD COMES BACK WITH THE FLARE AND HAIRSPRAY. GREG
FROWNS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.
GREG
Hairspray but no record player.
JAKE
(CONFUSED) Thanks. Victor, what
youre going to do is spray the
can while holding the flare in
front of you. Its safer than
crossing the road for a tea.VICTOR
Ah, hell if Im doing that!
GREG
I wouldnt be caught dead in that
thing.
VICTOR
(TO JAKE) You look about my size.QUICK CUT.
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52SCENE Q
INT. BEE SANCTUARY-NIGHT
JAKE RUNS INTO THE VICTORS BEE SANCTUARY WEARING THE
BEEKEEPER SUIT. THE FLARE BURNS AND HE BEGINS TORCHING
EVERYTHING IN SIGHT WITH THE HAIRSPRAY TORCH. JUST
LIKE HONEY STOPS. QUICK CUT.
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53SCENE R
EXT. BEE SANCTUARY-NIGHT
THE MEN STAND IN A LINE. THE ROARS OF A FIRE AREHEARD, AND THEIR FACES ARE ILLUMINATED WITH ORANGE
LIGHT; GREG RECORDS. THE SHOT CHANGES TO SHOW THE
ENTIRE BEE SANCTUARY ON FIRE.
JAKE
The wind must have changed.RICHARD
I think we cleared out the
Africans atleast.
GREG
You know, you should watch what
you say when I am blackmailing you
like this.
VICTOR
My sanctuary...gone! Hope you have
a good lawyer.SILENCE.
JAKE
(ANNOYED) Never even got to do the
beard of bees.
END ACT THREE
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54
THE END