Kathleen Brehony, Ph.D.

Living a Connected Life

Become a Lake

“We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness.”

-- Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Buddhist Monk

The Landscape of Connection The Biology of Belonging

The Psychology of Belonging

The Nature of Attachment

The Failure of Attachment

The Evidence for the Power of Connection

Social Capital and Where We Collectively Stand

The Usual Suspects

A New Paradigm/Honoring the Wake-Up Call

A Thousand Words for Snow

“By our very natures, humans are prepared to be social animals. We are biologically and psychologically prepared for attachment and bonding. Our need for connection is – from birth and beyond – a fundamental survival need.”

-- Living a Connected Life

A Social Animal

Infants cry at sound of another infant’s cry.

Menstrual synchronization.

Without touch and closeness, infants die.

Fine tuning of thousands of physiological events – blood pressure, heart rate, body temperature, sugar levels, hormones and salts are affected by others and they, in turn by us.

Heart-to-Heart.

Some Evidence for Human Sociability

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly.For that which is essential is invisible to the eye.”

-- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry “The Little Prince”

Attachment is Not Just In The Brain

Attachments of the Heart

The heart forms in the developing fetus before the brain (within the first 18 days post-conception) and a regular heartbeat can be measured within days of that.

Heartbeat is “auto-rhythmic” self-initiated from within the heart itself.

Generates the strongest electromagnetic field produced by the body (40-60% more amplitude than the brain).

Electricity generated by the heart can be measured in the brain waves of another person when people are touching or near one another (measured up to 12 feet).

Entrainment – heart cells from two different people will begin to beat together even when in two separate petri dishes – synchronization.

Human Infants and Baby Sea Turtles

Compared to every other species, human infants are born premature and must continue to develop outside the womb. We’re biologically hardwired to ripen through loving, secure experiences with caregivers.

Psychology and Biology of BelongingnessBrain Development in Infants 75% of Brain develops after birth through

experience

100 billion neurons and trillions of glial (“glue”) cells

Interconnections are most critical and forming

Changes 100,000 times more rapidly than an adult brain

Consumes far more calories than adult brain (65% v 15%)

Pre-wired and Pruning (“use it or lose it”)

Synaptic pathways

Renée Spitz Research – 1940’sInfants taken from felon mothers and raised in

“sterile nurseries” where they were fed but not handled or cuddled:

Failed to thrive and were diminished in height and weight for their age

Developed brains that were 20-30% smaller than normal

25% died within the first year. 37% died within the second year

Ironically, 40% of the infants who contracted measles died when the mortality rate outside the institution was only .5%

Scored 72 on the WISC (average intelligence is 90-105)

John Bowlby “The Father of Attachment

Theory”

Konrad Lorenz and baby geese

Bowlby said human attachment was much more like imprinting in geese and less like the reward and punishment schedules that allowed behaviorists to make rats run mazes or shape pigeons to peck levers. Attachment is innate and neurologically based - An instinctive reciprocal relationships with implications for the survival of the species.

Harlow’s Monkeys – 1960sInfant rhesus monkeys separated

from their mothers were apathetic, sometimes hyperagitated, aggressive and given to outbursts of violence. The were socially inept, highly fearful, failed to interact normally, showed inappropriate sexual responses and often rocked like autistic children. As adults – the females were not able to care for their offspring, would not breastfeed, and behaved violently toward their babies.

Attachment: An Exquisite Dance

Mother/Infant Proximity & Breastfeeding

Balances levels of cortisol (a stress hormone) in the infant and sends messages to the brain to make connections

Flood of prolactin and oxytocin in mother (“mothering hormones”)

Infant’s core body temperature coordinates with that of her mother (called “thermoregulation”)

Interval of their heartbeats is the same

Fathering and Attachment Not as clear as research with mothers – probably

because little research attention has been paid to attachment and human fathers

New research is documenting dramatic endocrinological changes for fathers in preparation for and after the birth of offspring. Clear effects of paternity in several species of mammals and rodents and most species of birds

Human fathers – reduction in salivary testosterone in response to infant’s cries

Fathers’ levels of cortisol, prolactin and testosterone changed dramatically during partner’s pregnancy

Infants Are Born Ready to Relate

Hearing is fully developed at birth – the developing fetus has taken in 60% of the sounds surrounding his/her mother

Even 2-day old infants show a decided preference for human sounds and music over all other sounds

Preprogrammed to look for and see human faces – will orient to a mask if it has two eyes, a smooth forehead, a nose and moves. A mouth is not necessary! Between 3-6 months, infants smile – “innate releasing mechanism”

Can discriminate between miniscule changes in emotional responsiveness of people around them

Erik Erikson’s 8 Stages of Human PsychoSocial

Development1. Trust/Mistrust (Infancy – ages 1 or 2)

2. Autonomy/Shame (ages 2-4)

3. Initiative/Guilt (ages 4-6 – formal school)

4. Inferiority/Inferiority (“school age”)

5. Identity/Identity Diffusion (Adolescence)

6. Intimacy/Isolation (Young Adult)

7. Generativity/Self-Absorption (Adulthood)

8. Integrity/Despair (Maturity)

When an infant learns to trust others, herself, and the environment when her physical and emotional needs are met and she is free from uncertainty, feels safe and protected, develops secure attachments, and knows that others will help and care for her. With this early experience, the infant will grow into a person with abilities to form and maintain relationships. She will have positive expectations about others and a long-standing belief in her own worthiness and the expectation that the world can be a safe place.

Mastering Trust/Distrust

Failing to Master Trust/DistrustIf the infant cannot (for any reason) master

the challenge of trust/mistrust, she will carry remnants of this uncompleted task into the next and subsequent stages of development and mover through life with high levels of fear and insecurity. As an adult, she will see the world as an unfriendly, unpredictable, and chaotic place and will be unlikely to develop deep and intimate relationships with others.

Types of Attachment1. Secure – Upset at mother’s departure and easily

soothed when she returned (about 70% of infants tested this way in the “Strange situation”)

2. Insecure/Avoidant – May or may not be distressed at mother’s departure but avoided or turned away from mother on her return

3. Insecure/Ambivalent – Distressed at mother’s departure but seeks both comfort and distance on mother’s return. Crying and reaching to be held but attempting to get away once picked up. Actively or passively showed hostility to mother

Mary Ainsworth et al

Attachment: When Things Go Wrong

“Needy,” lonely, disaffected, pessimistic

High levels of psychological (e.g., low self-esteem, depression, anxiety) and physical problems (e.g., failure to thrive, infections, chronic illness)

Antisocial: sometimes aggressive or violent

Difficulties with trust, intimacy & affection Attachment Disorders form a continuum bounded on one end by “secure attachment” and the other by the most severe Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) e.g., Romanian Orphans (1960s – 1990s)

• Attachment disorder is transmitted intergenerationally. Children lacking secure attachments with caregivers commonly grow up to be parents who are incapable of establishing this crucial foundation with their own children. Instead of following the instinct to protect, nurture and love their children, they abuse, neglect and abandon. The situation is out of control. Consider the following:

• The number of children seriously injured by maltreatment quadrupled from 1986 (140,000) to 1993 (600,000).

• Three million cases of maltreatment were investigated by Child Protective Services in 1995. Over one million were confirmed as serious abuse and/or neglect with risk for continued maltreatment. Surveys indicated the actual number of cases are 10 to 16 times higher.

• Child Protective Services are unable to handle the vast increases; only 28% of seriously maltreated children were evaluated in 1993 compared to 45% in 1986.

Reactive Attachment Disorder – Sad Statistics

Source: www.attachmentdisorder.net

Symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder

1. Behavior: oppositional and defiant, impulsive, destructive, lie and steal, aggressive and abusive, hyperactive, self-destructive, cruel to animals, irresponsible, fire setting.

2. Emotions: intense anger and temper, sad, depressed and hopeless, moody, fearful and anxious (although often hidden), irritable, inappropriate emotional reactions.

3. Thoughts: negative beliefs about self, relationships, and life in general ("negative working model"), lack of cause-and-effect thinking, attention and learning problems.

4. Relationships: lacks trust, controlling ("bossy"), manipulative, does not give or receive genuine affection and love, indiscriminately affectionate with strangers, unstable peer relationships, blames others for own mistakes or problems, victimizes others/victimized.

5. Physical: poor hygiene, tactilely defensive, enuresis and encopresis, accident prone, high pain tolerance, genetic predispositions (e.g., depression, hyperactivity).

6. Moral/Spiritual: lack of faith, compassion, remorse, meaning and other prosocial values, identification with evil and the dark side of life.

Source: www.attachmentdisorder.net

Our History MAY Become Our Future Habits are formed through repetition

Psychological and neurological “ruts” (Synaptic pathways)

Negative self-image, internal self-talk, self-defeating beliefs

Lack of skills required for intimate connections

The Good News! People can change through insight and action!

Specialized Therapy is necessary for severe cases of attachment disorder.

Attachment: When Things Go Right

“Secure adults find it relatively easy to get close to others. They’re happy, socially

competent people with high levels of resiliency and persistence. They don’t worry about being abandoned or having someone

close to them. They’re “emotionally intelligent,” empathetic with others, solve

many problems on their own but aren’t reluctant to ask others for help when they

need it. They maintain close, intimate connections with others.”

– Living a Connected Life

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Well, You Got To Have Friends

Loneliness breaks the spirit

-- Jewish Proverb

The Power of Connection/Belongingness

“If you could do just one thing that would lengthen your life, help you stay

psychologically and physically healthy, and support your healing when you did become

ill, you would maintain strong connections to other people. The effects of belongingness are so potent that if they could be bottled,

they would need FDA approval.”

-- Living A Connected Life

The Early EvidenceAs early as 1897, French

Sociologist Emile Durkheim observed that one could predict rates of suicide by looking at the quality of social ties in an area. In areas where there was strong “social solidarity”, suicide rates were low. Areas where social ties were weak had much higher rates of suicide.

The Roseto Effect – 1950sA small town in Pennsylvania – A close-knit

community of Italian immigrants who lived longer lives than people in neighboring towns and were virtually free of heart disease.

Had they found the alchemical Elixir Vitae?

No! They had high levels of social cohesion, trust, and mutual respect. They were connected.

From 1979 to 1994, eight large-scale community-based studies confirmed what those early researchers found in Roseto.

Scientific StudiesFive decades of medical and epidemiological research has shown the powerful and positive effects of connections on:

Heart and cardiovascular disease

Stroke

Respiratory Diseases

Cancer

Allergies, Colds, and other Infectious Diseases

AIDS/HIV

Depression, Stress and other Psychological Problems

Positive Effects of Connections

In his book Love and Survival: The Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy, physician Dean Ornish summarizes the power of connections this way: “I am not aware of any other factor in medicine – not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery – that has a greater impact on our quality of life, incidence of illness, and premature death from all causes.”

Interesting Gender Difference

When women are stressed – they move toward greater connection with other (“Tend and Befriend” rather than “Fight or Flight”).

Men under stress tend to “hole up.”

Women respond to stress with a surge of brain chemicals (such as oxytocin) that buffer the “fight or flight” response, pushes them toward social contact, which releases more oxytocin which calms them further. Estrogen (a female hormone) has an enhancing effect on oxytocin whereas testosterone (a male hormone) reduces it.

Klein, Laura & Taylor, Shelley (UCLA Stress Research Lab), 2002

“Social Capital”

Social capital is the “glue” that holds societies together and refers to the quality and depth of relationships between people in a community.

Joining one group cuts your odds of dying over the next year in half. Joining two groups cuts it in quarter.

Communities with higher levels of social capital produce children with higher SAT scores and higher performance on a broad range of testing.

Communities with higher social capital have lower dropout rates, higher retention, and less youth violence.

The more connected we are in our community, the less colds, heart attacks, strokes, cancer, depression, and premature death we experience.

The higher the social capital, the less murders and violent crimes in our neighborhood.

Blood donations are higher in communities with high social capital.

Road rage is reduced in communities with high social capital.

Measured happiness goes up when we are socially connected in mutually respectful, trusting relationships based on exchange and reciprocity.

The Collective Benefits of High Social Capital

The Sorry State of Our Connections

Family dinners and family vacations or even just sitting and talking with your family are down by one third in last 25 years.

Having friends over to the house is down by 45 percent over the last 25 years.

Participation in clubs and civic organizations has been cut by more than half over last 25 years.

Involvement in community life, such as public meetings is down by 35 percent over last 25 years.

Church attendance is down by roughly one third since 1960s.

Philanthropy as fraction of income is down by nearly one third since the 1960s.

How many of your neighbors’ first names do you know?

   How often do you attend parades or festivals?

    Do you volunteer at your kids’ school? Or help out senior citizens?

       Do you trust your local police?

       Do you know who your U.S. senators are?

       Do you attend religious services? Or go to the theater?

        Do you sign petitions? Or attend neighborhood meetings?

        Do you think the people running your community, care about you?

Can you make a difference?

    How often do you visit with friends or family?

How Connected Are You?

The Social Capital Community Benchmark Study – www.bettertogether.org

The Usual Suspects for our Dwindling Social

Capital Mobility

Where You Live

Sprawl

Not Enough Time

Television

Technology

Breakdown of Traditional Families

Women in the Labor Force

Generational Effects

Mobility

U.S. Census Bureau reports that residential mobility has been exceedlingly constant over the past 50 years, but if anything, we’re relocating LESS now than in the 1950s (when social capital was high by every measure)

1950s = 20% of Americans moved each year compared to 16% (1999).

Adding to the stability of present-day communities, home ownership in 1999 was at a record-setting high (67%).

Dismissed!

Where You Live

Residents of large metro areas compared to small-town counterparts are less likely to join groups, attend club or public meetings, attend church, or visit with friends.

BUT – metro residents are only about 10% less trusting and join different kinds of groups – More nationality-based and political clubs while smaller cities have more veterans’, fraternal, agricultural, service, and church groups.

Dismissed!

Sprawl Suburban sprawl has created an environment in which most Americans no longer live where they work

The average commuter spends 72 minutes every day behind the wheel and most commute alone (2/3 of all car trips are made alone)

Commuting represents twice as much time as the average parent spends with kids

Every ten minutes of additional commuting time cuts all forms of social capital by 10%

Get back in the lineup,

son!

Not Enough Time Time-use studies show that

leisure time from 1965 to 1985 actually increased by 5 hours per week

The average American schedule has more than 40 hours a week that could be used to make deposits into our social capital account

Question of priorities, not of time

Dismissed!

Television Americans spend more hours alone in front of their TV

sets (3-4 hours per day) than in any other activity except work & sleep

TV watching accounts for more than ½ of all leisure time activity

Heavy television watchers are more likely to be pessimistic, overestimate crime rates, and spend less time engaged with others

The only leisure time activity that is associated with decreased (rather than increased) social capital

“The data suggest that most Americans would rather watch Friends than have friends.” – Robert Putnam, Bowling Alone

Longer work hours are associated with more (not less) civic engagement and connections (e.g., report 30% less TV)

Get back in the lineup!

Technology Some studies suggest that people who

spend a great deal of time on the Internet are less connected to other socially.

Other studies have shown that technology has enormous power to create and maintain relationships.

“The Digital Divide” is a serious social issue.

Conscious use of technology needs further exploration.

The Jury is Out!

Breakdown of Traditional Families Strong families increase social capital – at the core of

our sense of connection, belongingness

Changes in basic structure of family: number of married Americans has declined from 74% (1974) to 56% (1998); ½ of all first marriages end in divorce

BUT, the sharpest jump in the divorce rate occurred in the 1970s – “long after the cohorts who show the sharpest declines in connection and social trust had left home”

Traditional family structure only associated with churchgoing and youth-related activities. Single and divorced people are more likely to attend club meetings and hang out with friends. Married folks more likely to have dinner parties

Divorce and changes in structure of families have only a moderate effect on social capital

Dismissed!

Women in the Labor Force

In the 1960s only 37% of women held jobs outside the home, 60% of women now do (2003)

Men belong to more groups, but women spend more time with the ones to which they belong

Women who work outside the home actually spent more time with clubs and organizations than women who did not work outside the home

Working outside the home or not, women still spend more time in informal socializing than men

Dismissed!

Generational Effects

Throughout the life cycle, people born before 1932 experienced more civic involvement, trust between people, feelings of belongingness, and relationships to neighbors and groups

“The Greatest Generation” vote more often (double the rate for other generations), trust people more (60% compared to 25% for their grandchildren) and are more engaged in civic and neighborhood life – they’re more connected

Get back in the lineup!

Robert Putnam et al. Saguaro Seminar John F. Kennedy School of Government, Harvard University

Putnam's Guesstimated Explanation for Civic Disengagement, 1965-2000

Generationtal Efx

TV Generation

TV

Work

Sprawl

Other?

Analyzing the Guilty Suspects

Generational Effects 40-50%

TV 20-25%

TV Generation 10-15%

Sprawl 10%

Work/Time Pressures 10%

“Creating (or recreating) social capital is no simple task. It would be eased by a palpable national crisis, like war or depression or natural disaster, but or better and for worse, America at the dawn of the new century faces no such galvanizing crisis.”

-- Robert Putnam (2000)…until now

A Terrifying Prophecy

September 11, 2001

A Changed and Changing World – Post 9/11?

Americans dramatically shifted their stated priorities after the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. Multiple polls showed we said we wanted closer connections, and more time with our friends and family. But, unfortunately, this shift in values didn’t last very long. By the spring of 2002, the surveys showed we were back to business as usual.

Honoring the Wake-Up Call

Crisis and Opportunity

Paradigm shift

Establishing Values & Priorities

Respecting the Yin

What is Old Can Become New

Indigenous Cultures are strong in places where ours is weak:

Native American Tribes

Hawaiian hanai and ho’oponopono and aloha

Canela people of Brazil

The Downside of “Belongingness”

Al-Qaeda, Nazisim, Aum Shinrikyo, GangsEverything of substance casts a

shadow Closed systems

No respect for individuality/diversity

Patriotism becomes jingoism

“Us” v. “Them”

Deference to authority and conformity abounds

Fragments, polarizes & abuses

Collective and Individual Balance

Both ruthless collectivism and rugged individualism are unbalanced and destructive to human life. Either one in its extreme form fails to provide the kind of society that allows human beings to flourish in their individual achievements and freedoms while nestled in the loving embrace of community, social responsibility, and safe harbors.

Integration of Dualities

As in all dualities, the wise strive to “hold the tension of the opposites” to integrate and balance opposing forces as we walk in both worlds.

Yin YangFeminine Masculine

Passive Active

Dark Light

Eros Logos

Right Brain Left Brain

Moon Sun

“Shady Side of the Mountain” “Sunny Side of the Mountain”

Yielding Aggressive

Unconscious Conscious

Emotion Reason

Relatedness, Communalism Individualism, Separatism

Open Systems Closed Systems

Balance

A Thousand Words For Snow

Assumptions for the Model1. Everyone needs a variety of people and relationships in their

lives

2. Relationships are not static; they change, as do our lives and needs.

3. Think of the “rings” in the model as semi-permeable membranes

4. It is the inner circle of relationships – those with whom we are connected by the heart – that constitute our “tribe” or true safety net. These are the containers that serve as our containers for emotional and spiritual growth

5. With the possible exception of our biological family, most relationships do not begin within this inner circle

6. Don’t mistake the “map” for the “territory” – life is really more complex than any model can describe

The World At Large

Global Planet

Non-local Consciousness, Subatomic Particles and Random Event Generating Machines

The Power of Love

More opportunities for connection than you may ever have realized

Mitakye Oyasin and Namaste

Not Quite Strangers &

Acquaintances

We may have hundreds of people in our network of “not quite strangers” who are wrested from the great web of being

Friendship develops when one person says to another, “What! you, too? I thought I was the only one!” (C.S. Lewis)

Moving Closer to the Center

Shared values more important than shared interests. But shared interests are a good place to start

Move relationship out of its original context (e.g., ask a co-worker to your daughter’s wedding)

Original context makes a difference (Chinese saying: “We will often forget those we’ve laughed with. We will never forget those we’ve cried with.”) A refiner’s fire

Unexplainable chemistry

Friends For A Season or Reason

May have a number of “casual” friends but are tied together for a season or reason

When season or reason changes, friend may not be so close

Our expectations should be realistic

These friends may become attached-at-the-heart with time and nurturance

Attached-At-The-Heart Friends

“My friends are my estate.” Emily Dickinson

“A Friend is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.” Aristotle

“One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.” Euripides

“Friends are the masterpiece of nature.” Emerson

“Friend, our relationship is this that wherever you put your foot, you feel me in the firmness under you.” Rumi

“Friendship? Yes, please.” Charles Dickens

Plato – searching for our missing half

Fictive Kin and Aunt Franny

Last a lifetime, call at 3 AM, good times/bad times

Celtic Anam Cara (“Soul Friend”)

Ceremonies pledging unconditional loyalty:

•“Blood brother” (Native American)

• Hawaiian pili hoaloha

• German & Swiss Duzen (to address informally)

Our Safe Harbor

The State of YOUR Safe Harbor

A Map To Connection Your Friendship Values

Know Thyself

Social Skills

Acceptance – Are you a friend?

Boundaries: Armor, Gelatin, and semi-permeable membranes

Communication Revolution

Good Times/Bad Times

That Time Thing

“We have all known the long loneliness and we have learned that the only solution is love and that love comes with community.” -- Dorothy Day, humanitarian and founder of the Catholic Worker Movement, 1933

Your Friendship Values Values are the foundation upon which

everything else relies

Conscious understanding and living one’s values

Yogi Berra – “If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll end up somewhere else.”

Rocks in a Mason Jar

Know Thyself

You can’t have a better relationship with anyone else than the one you have with yourself

What do you bring into your relationships?

How well do you know yourself?

The Persona and The Shadow

Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

“To know others is to be wise, to know oneself is to be enlightened” – Tao Te Ching

  Known to Yourself Unknown to Yourself

Known to Others Open Self – Known to Yourself and Others

Blind Self – Unknown to Yourself but Known to Others

Unknown to Others Private Self – Known to Yourself and Unknown to Others

Unknown Self – Unknown to Yourself and Unknown to Others

The Johari Window

A model for awareness in interpersonal relationships Joseph Luft, Ph.D. & Harry Ingham, MD, 1955

Social Skills

1. Verbal Aspects

Self-Disclosure

Me, Me, Me – The Song of Narcissism

Listening Skills

2. Non-Verbal Aspects

3. Cognitive Aspects (self-defeating beliefs and negative self-talk)

4. Emotional and Physiological Aspects

“Great news! You can learn

social skills just like I did! Let’s do lunch!”

Acceptance: Are You A Friend?

Similarities and Differences

The Futility of Seeking Perfection

Unconditional Love and Acceptance

Giving AND Receiving

Boundaries:Armor, Gelatin & Semi-permeable

Membranes

The importance of Interpersonal Boundaries

Turning Toward, Turning Against, Turning With

Unable to risk v. Co-Dependency

When friends hurt/Toxic relationships

Schopenhauer’s Porcupines

Communication Revolution1. Express Yourself

Self-Disclosure

Clarity

Assertiveness

2. Advice and Truth

3. The fine (and lost) Art of Listening

4. The gift of communication technology at the top of Mount Haleakala

Good Times/Bad Times

“Be more prompt to go to a friend in adversity than in prosperity,” Chilo (6th Century BCE – Greek)

Two Travelers and the Bear (Aesop)

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes (“Friendshifts” – Jan Yager)

Shared Interests/Shared Values

History and Remembrance

That Time Thing“If you want to make good use of your time,

you’ve got to know what’s important and then give it all you’ve got,” -- Lee Iacocca

Identify your use of time

Analyze your present situation

Develop a plan – short and long-term goals

Implement your plan

Re-evaluate your use of time

Lessons From Toulouse Be patient, persistent, never

give up

Welcome the stranger

Finding Your Pack

“Wolves love to howl. When it is started, they instantly seek contact with one another, troop together, fur to fur. Some wolves will run from any distance, panting and bright-eyed, to join in, uttering, as they near, fervent little wows, jaws wide, hardly able to wait to sing.”

– Lois Crisler, Arctic WildThere is no house like the house of belonging.

David Whyte, poet

Thank You. Mitakuye Oyasin.

Good Friends: Kathleen & Dorothy

www.fullpotentialliving.com

252-473-4004