THEATRESTREETAnabsorbingautobiographybyoneofthegreatest primaballerinasofall time92 K186k2KarsavlnaTheatre Street66-17770Kansascity public library|Kansascity,missouriBooks will be issuedonlyonpresentationoflibrarycard.Pleasereportlost cardsandchangeof residencepromptly.Card holders areresponsibleforallbooks, records, films,picturesIor otherlibrarymaterialsfchecked out on their cards.THEATRESTREETMYSELFATHOME.PETERSBURG, 1913THEATRESTREETTHEREMINISCENCESOFTAMARAKARSAVINARevisedEditionADutton[ kjjfjTPaperbackEverymanNEWYOBKE. P. DUTTON&CO.,INC.1961Thispaperbackeditionof"THEATRESTREET"Published1961byE. P.Dutton6-Co.,Inc.Copyright,1931,1950,byE. P.Dutton6-Co.,Inc.Allrightsreserved.PrintedintheU.S.A.Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyformwhatsoever withoutpermissioninwriting fromthepublisher, except bya re-viewer whowishestoquotebriefpassagesinconnectiontvithareviewwrittenforinclusionin amagazineornewspaperor broadcasts,FOREWORDTO THE REVISEDEDITION/FINISHEDwritingthislook onAugust20,1929,thedayIheardofDiaghileff's death. I did notchangethenwhat Ihadwrittenabouthim: Ilefthimstillalive as Ihadknownhim. Inthis revised edition Ihave done thesame. ButI have addedachapterin anattempttobringsomeunityinto thefeatures ofDiaghileff's personality,someofwhichfeaturesarescatteredaboutthelook,andsomeofwhich arenewlytold.Thischapterdoes notaim atbeinga condensedbiography,noryetapsychologicalanalysis;it isjustaportraitin the mirrorofmyaffection,T,K.OCTOBER20, 1947MYSELFIN RUSSIAN DRESSBYGONTCHAROVACONTENTSPARTONE THEPUPILCHAPTER IPAGE3MyEarliest Memories"Fat Nannie"MyMother St.Petersburg"Douniasha"CHAPTERIIPAGE IOMyFather MariusPetipaOurLife AHarmlessLunatic"Amelia"ATerrifyingDreamCHAPTER III PAGE 1 8LessonsEarlyLove of Theatricals A NarrowEscapeFather's Farewell to theStage ThoughtsaboutmyFutureCHAPTER IV PAGE2JMyFirstDancingLessons Xmas Grandmother's TalesFortune-TellingCHAPTERVPAGE36Lessons with FatherReligiousFears Examinations TheImperialSchoolCHAPTER VI PAGE44Black MariasMyFirst Year at School A Death in theTheatreKyashtSchool TraditionsAndreyAPrematureBurial Death oftheEmperorCHAPTER VII PAGE52I Become a BoarderEtiquette"Lunatic Ann"SchoolDisciplineFirst Contact with the Theatre AForgottenSpeechCHAPTER VIIIPAGE64MoscowMoneyDifficultiesLegnaniClasses PavlovaInfatuations AWorldlyPriest TheHauntedMusic-roomTheTzarCHAPTER IXPAGE78TheConfiscatedWineMake-upTheGrandDukeVladimirCommandPerformance for the KaiserHoliday EscapadeswithLydiaDramaor BalletviiCHAPTERX PAGE91Cartwheels PrinceVolkonskyMethods ofRehearsal,GuerdtProgress"LittleJLopokova"KosloffJohannsenMyFirst"LoveAffairflCHAPTER XI PAGE107Teliakovsky Lydia'sDiphtheriaTheSchoolPerformanceChinese Theatre at Tsarskoe Selo Final ExaminationsMyFirstTrousseauMyDe*but Farewell to SchoolPARTTITO THEMARINSKYTHEATRECHAPTER XIIPAGE123TheMarinskyTheatre ABenefitNight Increasing Popular-ityof Ballet The Balletomanes The BrothersLegatJohannsenSocial Life,CHAPTER XIII\PAGE135MyFirstLeadingR61e ACriticism AdditionstomyReper-toire and Promotion FirstAppearanceofBakst Kshessin-skaya Volkonsky's Resignation.CHAPTER XIVPAGE143Illness Visit toItalyBeretta Nicolini Performance at theCourt TheatreChaliapin Progress Nijinsky'sDbut"TheEighthWonder of the World" An UnfortunateIncidentCHAPTERXVPAGE153TheRusso-JapaneseWarPreobrajenskayaA ProvincialTOUTStrange Receptionin WarsawCHAPTERXVIPAGE158A"Ballet"RevoltPavlova,FokineandMyselfas"Revolu-tionaries"TragicDeathofSergei LegatLovatFraserCHAPTERXVIIPAGE 1(56TheRhythmof Theatre LifePetipaTheBeginningofFokine'sRegimeIsadoraDuncan Fokine's Creative EffortsCleopatra PragueCHAPTER XVIIIPAGE179Sokolova TheSwanLake and Corsair SvetloffviiiPARTTHREEEUROPECHAPTER XIX PAGE189Ballet in ParisOneguin DiaghileffFirst Performance oftheDiaghileffBallet AGalaxyof Talent"LaKarsavina"AnOpen-airPerformance MarinelliCHAPTER XX PAGE204MyFirstVisittoLondon FirstImpressionsTheColiseumAdeline Gene*e ABribe FirstEnglishFriendsCHAPTER XXI PAGE 2IODiaghileff Beginningof ourLongAssociation ThamarStravinsky ChangesThe BalletTo-dayCHAPTER XXII PAGE 2l8TwoEngagementsat OnceLopokovain Paris GiselleDifferences withNijinskyI ammade"Prima Ballerina"Chaliapin Complicationsand TearsNijinskyand theEmpressHis DismissalCHAPTER XXI1 1 PAGE227Lady Ripon,the GoodFairy SargentSouth AmericaNijinsky'sWedding"Maestro"CHAPTER XXIV PAGE236ISapresmldi d'un Faune Dawn of Modernism RehearsalswithNijinsky DebussyCocteauJ.L.Vaudoyer Spectrede la RoseStrangeBeginningto aFriendshipDethomasNijinsky*s TragedyOur LastMeetingStrauss MassineFelix Da Falla PicassoPARTFOUR WARANDREVOLUTIONCHAPTERXXV PAGE2JITheJourneyHome The Theatre in War Time The"Wandering Dog"Diaghileffin War TimeRasputinPaldologue Hugh Walpole Learning EnglishCHAPTERXXVI PAGE 260EpisodesofWar and RevolutionKshessinskaya*sPalaceA President in Tarlatans Douniasha'sTragicDeath TheChanceryServant I amSuspectLevand the CommissarixCHAPTER XXVII PAGE269TheDangerous JourneyPARTVIVEDIAGH1LEFFCHAPTER XXVIIIPAGE279Diaghileff's swayover the Minds ofhis Collaborators HisExhibition ofHistoric Portraits in the Taurida Palace SeenthroughtheEyesofa CommonFriend His Meekness overmyFirst"Scene"ARippleontheSurfaceof ourFriendshipHis Indifference to Box Office Success His Mind andBackgroundILLUSTRATIONSPageMyselfathome.Petersburg,1913frontispieceMyselfin Russian dressbyGontcharova viEntranceto theImperialBalletSchool,TheatreStreet xiiGraduatesoftheImperialBalletSchool,1902 xiiMyselfin Paviliond'Armide. Parisseason,1909 2Costumeoftheyounggirlin LeSpectrede laRose.FromadrawingbyLeonBakst. 120NijinskyinLeSpectredelaRose,1910 122Myselfin Giselle.Paris,1910 186Myselfin FireBird.Paris,1910188Myselfin Scheherazade250Diaghileff278Miniature,1920303Mozart(DanceforSalzburg, 1921).CostumedesignedbyKonstantinSomoff304Myselfin TheThree-corneredHat,1919305Myselfin aRevueIntellectuelle.Paris,1927306Myselfin SlaveGirl. MusicbyArnoldBax 307ENTRANCETOTHEIMPERIALBALLETSCHOOL,THEATRESTREET........... .......Mit.^^^^^^^^^^^LYDIAKYASHTMYSELFGRADUATESOFTHEIMPERIALBALLETSCHOOL, 1902PARTITHEPUPILMYSELFIN"PAVILIOND'ARMIDE"PARISSEASON,1909CHAPTER IMyEarliest Memories"Fat Nannie"MyMother St.Petersburg"Douniasha"ITispartlyfrommyFather'stales,told to mein lateryears,andpartlyfrommyownearlyrecollectionsthatI canpiecetogetherafairlyconsecutivestoryofmychildhood,astorymadeupof aseriesof littlepictureslikethoseinachild'salphabet.MyFatherloved to talk tomeofthe timewhenIwasquitesmallWhen,in hisspare hours,he satbythe windowwithhis album andwater-colours,I used to stand or sitbyhimwatchinghimwork. I cansee evennowthe littlepicturesheusedto make ofdifferent national costumesSpanish,Hungarian,Ukrainian, Polish each manwithhisladyontheoppositesheet.All their dresseswereminutelydone,butthefaces alllookedtometohaveratherlargenoses,andtheladies'complexionsseemedtootawny.He never took hiseyesoff his work as he mimickedsomeincidentofmybabyhood.Hewouldonlypause nowandthento wash his brush and suck it. Thepictureswere meant tohelpsuch ofhispupilsas wanted to learn national dances.Myfirst clear recollectionis howmynurseputmedownonthepathoutsidesomehouse.Holdingmeunderthearms,shefirst steadied meand then left me onmyown. I started offtoddling,atfirstfairlystraight.Thenmyfeetcarriedmefasterandfaster till I could not followthem. Fathercaughtmeupjustin time.Nextcomestomy minda summeratLigovo,nearPetersburg.The house weoccupiedstood in theparkof Count Posen'sestate. We camedowninearlyspring.Iwasrecovering frominflammation ofthelungs,and the doctor said I must drink3birchsap. Justat the back ofthe house there was aplotofgrassencircledbyyoungbirch-trees notyetin leaf. Ioftenwatched with interest thesap beingdrawnfroma holedrilledin the tree. Itspurtedoutin astrongjetandwegathered it,usuallyin themorning,inanearthenwarejug.Thejuicehada sweetastringenttaste.Oftheprecedingillness I rememberverylittle,only lyingon abigottomanconverted into abed,inmyhands a smallmirror with which I darted"sun rabbits"across theceilingand on thestriped wall-paper.I dreaded theappearanceofMotherwithacoldcompresswhichshechangedonmeseveraltimes aday.She told meafterwards that she dreaded ittoo,as I usedtocryever sopitifullyandfeebly. Mymemoriesofthis time aresomewhatblurred. Afewthings, however,wereimpressedsodeeplyonmymindthatevennowtheystand outclearandhavenotlost all theirmagic.ThehousewethenhadatLigovoseemedvastandbeautifultome;andverylikely mychild'simpressionofit wasnotfarwrong.WhatI rememberofalargeroundroomwith a domedceilingandniches seemsto me now asif it couldonly havebelongedtoafairly big countryhouse ofthe lateeighteenth century.Thoughsoverydifferent from the small flat in which welived intown,theplacehad astrange familiarityto me. Insomeinexplicable way,faint detachedimagesof a life I hadnever seen and never could have heard of took hold ofme.Theyhad nobeginningand no conclusion;just veryvividepisodes,like suddenflashes,that I could not fit inanywhere.Oneespeciallyinsistentimage,amountinginitsvividnessalmosttoamemory,puzzledmegreatly.Icoulddescribeapond,stillandregular.I,achild,and a womanthat seemed to bemyMother,steppedoutofacarriage.Sheheldmyhandandwewalkedroundthepondtowardsalargehousewithasomewhatflatfajadeandmanywindows.I movedwithsomedifficulty;thepathwasgravel,andmyhighheels made meunsteady. Mydress wasvoluminous,4heavyandstiff,notmyeverydayone. Ifelttimid,asIalwaysdidwhentakenona visit. Theretheimagestoppedabruptly,andit teased me so not to knowwhomwethus went to seethatIputendlessquestionsaboutittomyMother. Sheseemedamusedbymystory,but neither then nor afterwards tried tofind a matter-of-factexplanationof it.HowbigthegroundswereofourLigovohouseI couldnotrealise. Theplacethenmust have been in its decline. I donotrememberanyflower-beds. Theparkwasshadyandover-grown;and therewasinit,atsomedistancefrom thehouse,apavilionwithminarets,called a Turkishbath,one of theingeniousdevices ofa Russianmalsondeplaisanceofthis time.Father told me that wespenta summer in itonce,but neverwentback,as it wasdamp.Anartificialpondin front of ithadacircle ofverygreenstarlikeweedsrounditsedges.Thepavilionstoodempty,andmybrotherandIwereallowedtogointoittoplay.Ourgreatdelightwastolookthroughthesmallpaneof the tall Moorish windows. Thepaneswere all ofdifferent colours; and,seenonasunnyday,theworldoutsideappearedluminousred, green, yellow alwaysunreal andattractive.Onhotdaysthenurseoftentookmybrothertobathe. HewastwoyearsolderthanI. Wehadtowalksomewaydownto ashallow, rapidstream,to aplacewhere it formed asmall,clearpool.I wasnotallowedtogointo thewater,soNannieusedtocarrymeonhershoulderto abigstonein the middle.There she would sit medown whiletheybathed. She heldmybrotherbybothhands,andtheyplungeddownandbobbedup repeatedlylike in afrogdance. Shesang"Ladoushki,Ladoushki,wewenttoBaboushka,"oneofthenursery-rhymessheknewsomanyof,with noparticularsense in it.Nannie,"FatNannie/*as wecalledher,wasforbidden tofrightenus. But she was asimple peasantwoman,full ofsuperstition,and it wasaskingtoo much of her. Out ofa multitude ofhorned, hoofed,tailycreatures,inherentin the5beliefofRussianpeasants,shebroughtoutone"Buka/'whomshe used when her ownauthoritywith us failed. Bukatookawaydisobedientchildren. Hewasalwaysathandwaitingforhisopportunitywhenchildren wouldnotgotosleep.It wasnotquiteclear whohewas,perhapsamilddevilsuitedtonurserypurposes.I asked Father about him. He did notdenytheexistenceof Buka. From hisdescription,though,Bukaappearedquite unalarming, impish perhaps,buthomelyandeasilyappeased.He waswoolly,itseemed,and had a tail.MyFather'sdescriptionmademe think ofBukaas a kind ofdog.Atthis time I wasrather afraid ofMother. Itappears that,whenIwasquitesmall,I usedtohaveterrible fits ofscreaming.Ichokedandwentblueintheface. Itusuallyhappenedinthemorningatdressingtime. When myscreamsreachedMother'sears,she summonedme;andNanniereluctantlytookme toher room. Motherdippedabig spongein cold water andsqueezedit onmynakedbody.The sudden shock cutmyscreams at once. Mother used to describe afterwards howIstoppedwith agaspin themiddle ofa word.Mother often said her love for her children was"rational/'I remember her stern at times and never foolish and tender.Shehadawayofchecking myeffusions,andthesechecksmademedoublytimid,and were at the bottom ofmyoccasionaloutbursts of childish revoltagainsther. Intime, however,I realised that shewouldstopbeforenosacrificefor oursakes.Deepinmyheart there was agreatadmirationandprideforher. I likedwatchingher dress togoout. She had averysmall waist andtinyfeet,of which she wasproud.I hadambitiousschemes forher."WhenIgrowbigI will build agrandhouseforMother,"Ioftenused tosay.Whenoffended,Ihidundera bedoratable andsnappedoutrepeatedly:"Iwon'tbuildyouahouse." Mother'squietanswer,"Andwho,ifyouplease,wantsyourhouse?"soberedmeat once. It was likeanother cold douche to me.Ourpunishmentswere mild."Nose in the corner"was6amorehumiliatingdegreeofsimplybeingputinacorner,faceto theroom.Lev,mybrother,usuallyshortened hispenancebygently asking pardon. This,nothingwouldinducemetodoonthespot;Ionlyfelt contrite whenFatherspoketomekindly.He often took mebythe hand andbroughtme toMother to ask herpardon. Rebukes,even whendeserved,woundedmedeeply.Unchild-like,I nevergavewayto tearsin front ofanybody.Attimes,when IthoughtI couldyettipthe scales ofjusticeinmyfavour,Igavewarningin asmalltremblingvoice,"Iwillcry."If theanswerfromMothercame,"Cry,ifyoulike,"I ran fast to the furthest roomand therecriedunderthebedor behindthepetticoatsof Mother'sdressing-table. In afterdaysIlaughedwhen Father used to act thescene forme,butthen I felt it atragedy.In St.Petersburgwelived onthetopfloor ofa five-storiedhousebelongingto awealthymerchantwidow. All businessdealingswith thelandladywere of apatriarchalcharacter.There were no suchthingsas houseagents.Once ayearMotherwent to seeher,andalwayscamebackwith thegladnewsthat the lease wasrenewedforanotheryearand therentnot raised.4a month seems anincrediblylowfigure,butinthosedaysitwasthenormalpriceofagood-sizedapartmentoffive orsixliving-rooms.When,at a latertime,ourmeansbecamestraitened,thelandladyaccommodateduswithacheaperflat in anotherwing,in allrespects verylike the one wehad,onlywithout aporterinliveryat the front door.Thehousestoodonthecanal,whereit curvesroundtojointhe RiverFontanka.Alongourquietstretch ofstreethardlyanytrafficpassed.Ourfrontwindowslookedonacanal,busyinsummerwithbargescarryingwood;inwinteritfroze,andweused it asashortcutto theother side. Tous childrenthemainattractionofthisflatwastolookoutof thewindowatthewatch-tower of the fire stationopposite.There wasalwaysa sentinelwalkinground theparapet.It was abeautifulsightto watch the firemen in all theirarray,brasshelmets,bugleblowing,issue forth at thealarmandteardownthestreets,fourhorses at fullgallop.It tookour breathaway,thatshow ofrecklessspeed.ToaRussianthefascinationof afireisirresistible.Runningto lookat a fire wasquiteafeature ofRussianlife. Notonlythesimple people,but even ministerial clerks would rushoff,leavingtheirwork,electrifiedbythe word"fire."Firemenwere the heroes ofall children andthe bestyoungmenofall cooks. Ausual conditionputbya cookapplyingfor a situation was for her"Kumpojarny"to be allowed tovisit her.Veryoften theemployerbroached thesubjectfirst?askinghowoften the fireman wouldbe in the kitchen.Iwasaboutfiveyearsoldwhen"FatNannie"wasdismissedandDouniasharecalled. Douniashawasoriginallymyfoster-mother. Forsomereason she hadbeendismissed; but,afterherreturn,she never left us. Sheeventuallybecame a maidandthen theonlyservant,followingthefortunes ofthefamily.Duringtheperiodofherdisgraceshe often came to seeme,sometimesatthehouse,but moreoftentomeet meonourwalks.Shealways broughtmesome sweets or littletoys,andpartedfrommesobbing.Hertears flowedeasily,andMothersome-timessaidshewasahumbug.ButIcouldnottakeit thatway.She had an unrestrainedpityfor all creatures introuble,andtaughtmemanya lesson in it.She was tall andgaunt;and at the time when there weretwonursesinthehouse,sheandmybrother's,everybodycalledher"LongNannie." Thename remained with her for ever.Herindisputablebeautywasherhair,unusuallylongandthick.Sheput quantitiesofkerosene mixed withlampoil onit,andsaid itwaswhatmadeit so thick. Douniashaworriedthatmyhair wouldnotgrowlong,and she startedusingkerosene onme. It smeltrevolting,andMotherputastoptothepractice."Nonsense,"said shewhenI askedherto let meusekerosenein thehopethat I wouldhave hair likeDouniasha's,"have agoodheadonyourshoulders,the hair willtakecare ofitself."All Douniasha'spossessionswereneatly piledin alargewooden chest. It had on the outside apatternof nails andnarrow bands ofthin, white,hammered iron that looked likemoire silk. Ialwayswatched the chance ofheropeningherchest. Inside the lid there were littlepicturescut out fromillustrated comicpapers.She let megazeatthese,butshedidnot likemytouchingandfumbling amongstherthings.CHAPTER IIMyFatherMariusPetipaOurLifeA HarmlessLunatic"Amelia"ATerrifyingDreamMYFather at this time held thepostoffirst dancer andmimeat theImperialBallet.Accordingtorule,he hadtoretireon afullpensionaftertwentyyears'service. Service wascounted from theageofsixteen,eventhoughstill at school.Hewasthenabouttoterminatehistwentyyears,andtherewasmuch talk andspeculationbetween him and Mother as to hisbeing keptfor a second term of service. Igatheredthat hewas still inhisprimeand averyfinedancer,butthat therewassomeintrigue againsthim. Thenameof thethenall-powerfulMariusPetipawas often mentioned.Petipawas thegreatballet-master. He wasFrench,andneverlearnttospeakRussian,thoughhecametoSt.Petersburgvery youngandremained in the service ofthe theatre till hisdeath.PerhapsmyFatherwasnotquite impartial; but,fromwhathetold,Petipawasmorefeared thanlikedbythe artists.His influence with the DirectorVsevolojskywasunbounded,andhemade

but thejoyofexpectancywas underminedbythe state ofmy mind,thendeeplytroubledwithreligiousfears.**Whosoeverisangrywithhisbrotherwithoutcauseshallbeindangerof theJudgment. . . butwhosoevershallsay'Thoufool'shallbeindangerofhell fire." Childishlogic, incapableofcompromise,brought metotheconclusionthattheoccasionalquarrelsand bitterAwords ofmyparents,as well asmyownfrequentangryoutburstswithLev,putastigmaof irredeemablesinonmeandonall those I loved. After theEpistlesI cametothereadingof theRevelation. ItssymbolicmeaningIcouldnotgrasp.Theflamboyantvision oftheLastJudgmentfilledmewithanagonyof awe. Ihadseenbefore,underthearcadesofthe oldNikolskyMarket,thefrescoesoftheLastJudgment.Iwas even then drawnbytheirterriblefascination,butthe wholeoftheirmeaningwasnowrevealed to me. ThelasttrumpoftheArchangel,the seaand earthgiving uptheirdead,in thegaudyimageryofan obscuremaster,entered intomyvision,theretogrow andtorment withever-increasingterror. I wouldnotadmitbeforeDouniashathatIwasafraidofgoingthroughthe market.Wheneverwepassed throughI tried in vain toavertmyeyes.Ateveryangleofthe arcades thereweredarkold ikons ofByzantinetype,their severeeyesfixed on me.38Therewasnoescapefromtheirgaze.I musthavebecomeveryhysterical,andwasunable to controlmytears.Once,duringmylesson withFather,thethoughtcame to me ofhowvainwasall weweretryingto do in life wheninsuspenseofutterdamnation.I burst into sobs. Fatherinterruptedthe lesson;hethoughtIwasill,andwenttospeaktoMotheraboutit. Shefoundme in thenurserystillcrying."Ungratefulchild,"shecalledme,"notappreciatingthecare ofyour parents.DoyouthinkFatherwouldnothavepreferredtoreadhispaperinsteadof teaching youwhenhecomeshometired out? Butyoumustupsethim withyour caprices."Shemistook the cause ofmycrying: asharp,bitterpityfor thembothwasatthebottomofmytears. SopuzzledwasmyMother atmyincomprehensiblebehaviour that sheeventhreatenedmewithabeating.Worstofallwasmymiseryatnight.Iwaitedtill I heardDouniasha'ssoftsnoreandthencreptoutofbedandkneltbeforetheimage.Fatiguesent metosleep. EventuallyItookadecision. I madeupmymindtorunawayfrom hometoaconvent,andthere,byconstantpraying,toredeemusall. InaroundaboutwayI triedto find out ifDouniasha alsothoughtthatwe all lived in sin.She comforted meas shecould,andadmittedwithasighthatwewereallsinners,buttheLordhadalongpatienceandmercyfor all Itbroughtmenoconsolation,andonedayI toldhermyplan,entreatinghernottotellMotheranything,buttocomewithme. I startedpreparingasmallbundleofthingsI wantedtotake; inconsistently perhaps myfavourite treasures wereamongthem. Howand whereI should find a conventneverenteredmyhead. DouniashanaturallytoldMothereverything,andMothercameonedayand satlongwithmeandmademej:alk.I havenever seen her sogentle.She tookmeonherlapandlet mecrywhileshestrokedmyheadandheld meclosetoher, talkingall thewhile. Shesaid it wasamistaketo havereadthingsIwasnotable to understand. Sheexplainedtomethatallsinscould beforgiventothose whobelieved andrepented;andgavemethe instance ofBarabbas on the cross. Shesaid39I wasnowoldenoughtogotoconfession,and that whatevermysinsmightbethey wouldbeforgiven.Hertalkwashealingto me.Assoon as Lev's school closed for the summerholidayswewentdowntoLog,avillagenear Pskov. Levtook the nextformwithoutexams;his marksweresogood.Fatherhopedthatmuchwouldbedonewithmeinthesummer.Accordingtohim,thebodywasmoresuppleonhotdays,andheputmethroughstrictertraining.To mydisappointment,myfavouriteamusement,runningonstilts,heforbadeonthesameprincipleasskatinginwinter;bothwerebadforadancerand stiffenedthemuscles. Thusbeganalongseries ofsmallprivationsthata dancer issubject'to. I watchedLevwistfullyas he ranandhoppedon stilts. Therewere still somegameswhich I couldsharewithhim. Weoftenplayedlapta^acricketofsorts,withpeasantboys,andalsoleap-frog.InclimbingtreesIwasalmostasgoodas Levandfearless,butMotherdidnotlikeitasIruinedall theflimsylittle frocks shehadmadeforme. Onceshegotquitecrosswithmeandsaid I wascareless ofmythingsandaruinous child and she couldhardlyaffordmakingnewfrocksfor me."Iwill haveyoudressedindevil'sskin;youare worsethan atomboy."Iweptat that accusation. Thethoughtofmyruiningmyparentswasbitter tome;andthe devil'sskin,coarseleatherymaterial, wasdistasteful,asIdidcareforprettinessandmydaintyfrocks. FathermayhavethoughtMotherwastoohardonme,andbesidesmytearsalwaysmovedhimtopity.Hewentto theshed,fetchedhisspadeandsaid,"Cometo thewood: Iwillget somethingniceforyou."Therehedugoutabeautifulfeatheryfern andplantedit for mein theshadybitofthegardenbythebrook. Thisdone,hesaid,"Nowrunto Motherandkiss her." IntokenofpeaceMothermademesome coffee and we had it with little buns fresh from theoven.*40EarlyinAugustwecamebackto town. Apetitionwas tobesent first to the school;onlya matter ofform. All thecandidateshad togo throughathoroughexamination,andcomparativelyfewwereaccepted.Thefirstyearat schoolwasa test ofpupils' capacity,and at theend oftheyearthe weakones were weeded out. Those who did not show sufficientprogressweredismissed,the best of theremainingnumberstaken asboarders,tolerablygoodonesbeinggiventhe chanceof asecondyearasdaypupils.Onthemorningof theexamina-tion, Augusti6th, 1894,I was besidemyselfwith fear that Imightyet berefused.Myhair hadbeenputinpapersovernight.I could not drinkmytea in themorning,neither could I eatanything.Even the newwhite frockand bronze shoes I hadonfor the occasion couldnot takemymind offthe ordeal.On thewaytoschool Mother tookmetoahairdresser. Whilehewasarranging myhair,atthattimecutinafringeandinloosecurlsat theback,Igrew more andmoreimpatient.IkeptaskingMotherwhether it wasnotyettime togo.Whenwearrivedat theschool,thesightofthe beadle'sliverywith theImperialeaglesonit,mademefeelverysmall. Weleft our coats andwrappingsin the vast hall and wentupstairs.On theway,Mothergaveafinaltouchtomydress andhair,andsaidthewhiteset offmysunburnveryprettily.In thebigroomonthe firstfloor there werealreadymanysmallgirls waiting.Wewaitedfor sometime,andItooktheopportunityofgoing roundlookingattheportraitsof theImperialfamilyonthewallsbeforeastern-lookingladyin blacksailed inwith six otherladies in cashmeredresses oflightblue.Theywere thedirectress,VarvaraIvanovna,andgovernesses.Theladyin black wentround,sayingafewaffable words toparentshere and there. Motherhadtold mebeforethatshewasadistantrelation,andIexpectedto bepetted;butVarvaraIvanovnaonlylookedatmewithhercoldgrey eyesandexchanged greetingswith Mother. Thegovernessesarrangedusintwosandmarchedus offtothenextroom,wherebenchesweresetonbothsidesandarowoftablesandseatsbythe mirrored wall for the examiners. Thedoorswere shut on thewaiting parents.I saw Fathersittingwithother masters,buthe didnotgivemeanysignthathenoticedme. A few nameswerereadoutatatime,andthosecalledcameinto the middleofthe roomand stood therewhile themasterswent roundlookingatthem. Wefirststoodstill-,then weweretold towalk,then to run. Thatwas tojudgeour looks andwhethergracefulorawkward children. Thenwe stood withheelstogetherforourkneestobelookedat. Thesepreliminaryteststooksometime,astherewereoverthirtychildren. Afterthefirsttestmany weredismissedasunsuitable.Again we werearrangedintwos and this time ledthroughalongenfilade ofclassroomstotheinfirmaryto beexaminedbyadoctor. We hadtoundresscompletelyandweregiven somelinendressing-gownsin which to wait for our turn. The examination wasverythorough.Somechildren were dismissed onaccount ofweakhearts;othershad aslightdeviation ofthespine. Sightandhearingweretested too. Whenthe doctor's examinationwasover,weweretakento the so-called"roundroom"andgivensometeaandsandwiches.DuringthisintervalforlunchFatherlookedin,and I ran tohim,askingwhether I wasaccepted.Heputmeoffwith his usual"Whoknowsmuch . . ."After lunchthemusicmistress madeussingascaletojudgeourearformusic. Examinationinreading, writingandarithmeticfollowed. Thefinal choicewasyettobemade,asthenumberofpupilshad to be limited. Soweagainwereled to thebigroomwherethedancingmasterssat.Onlytenweretaken,andI wasamongstthem.Bythe time we came home it was sixo'clock. Allthathadhappenedhadto belivedthrough againinhappyconversation. Motherwantedtofindout fromFatheriftheexaminerswereimpressedby mylooks. ShemaintainedIwasthebest-dressedchild of thewholelot. Ialsohadto tellLevandDouniashahowall wentonandwhatwassaid tomeandwhattheotherchildrenwerelike.Theclasses were tobeginonSeptember ist,and in thefew42remainingdaysmyschool outfit wasto beready.It consistedofa browncashmerefor classesandadancingfrockofaspecialpattern ingreyholland. Father took meout tobuya school box.Particularjoystomewerea satchelwhichI chose in imitationoftigerskin and all the smallrequisiteslike thepen, pencaseanditsfittings.Ihadadelightfulfeelingofproperty inhandlingall these.Uptill thenI hadneverhadapencilI couldcallmyown.Welived agoodwayofffrom theschool,and togettherein time I had to leave the housewith Father beforeeight.Inthosedayswehad notramways, onlystreetcars,pulled alongthe railsbyacoupleofhorses.Onarrivingattheschoolthedaypupilschangedintodancingfrocksontheentresol,undertheauspicesofatiny, grey-haired,mousy-looking,kindlyoldwomanandwentstraightupstairstocurtsytothegovernessandtheninto thesmallerpractice-room.Thedancingclasseswere heldinthemorning.We thenchangedandhad lunch in the roundroom. Teawasprovided bytheschool,butwehad tobringourownsandwiches.Sometimes,in thewayofatreat,Fatherwouldbuymesomehotjampiesfrom thearcade oftheGostinoyDvorcloseby.Gourian,thebeadle,handed me the littleparcels"fromPapa."Thepieswereofrichpastry,delicious,highlyindigestible.43CHAPTER VIBlackMariasMyFirstYearat School A Deathinthe TheatreKyashtSchool TraditionsAndreyAPremature BurialDeathoftheEmperorMYfirstyearat the schoolwasnotdistinguished by anymarkedprogressindancing.I had to bein the be-ginners'class,thoughIwassufficientlypreparedforharder work.Thepersonalityof ourdancingmasterwasuninspiring.HewasFather'scontemporaryon thestage,andnowindulgedin theluxuryofan elaboratemoustache,pomadedand curled at theends* His black hair was dressed a laCapoul^but for all thathelookedanelderlycherubandspokewithalanguishingdrawl.If thenIhadknownMr.Mantalini,Iwouldhavenicknamedmymaster after him.The balletperformancesweregivenonWednesdaysandSundays.Inaccordancewithtradition,thelastactoftheballetwasconstructedonthelinesofadivertissement;andveryoftena dance forpupilswasintroduced,thusgivingthem astagetraining alongwith thelearningofsteps.Thebeginners,likemyself,onlyappearedinthecrowd. Ilongedfor thisoppor-tunitytobeactuallyonthestage,whichwastomewhatMeccais to agoodMussulman.However,forquitealongtime thechoiceneverfell on me. Fromotherpupils inmyclass who wereoftensentdownto the theatre I heardwonderful tales. I sawthemimitatingtheballerina,and it was all I could do to hidemymortification andnot tocry.I confided inFather,and itcameout that hehadasked themtospareme,as it meantlatehours. Butrealising mydisappointmenthepromisedtosay"aword." Asaresultofthe"word"I waschosentobeoneofthe crowdinCoppelia.It is noexaggerationtosaythat I44hadafeelingakin tostage-frightonmyfirstappearance.Broughtto the theatrebyMotherhoursbefore the lastact,inwhichwehad towalkupanddownthestage,I washandedtoMile.Virshault,the sternFrenchgoverness.Whenthedresserbroughtin ourcostumes,Ipouncedonthe one Ithoughttheprettiest.Mile. Virshaultsaid it wasnotformetochoose,andI must bepleasedwith what costume wasgivento me. Ismartedundertherebuke,butwaspleasedrightawaywiththebrightvelvet bodice and the little muslinapron givento me;andIgazedinthemirroratmynewselftill I wascalled to bemadeup."We came inturnbeforethegoverness andsheslightlyrougedourcheeks withtheaidof ahare'sfoot. Whenarrangedintwos, webegandescendingtheflightofstairs. Ihadafeelingthatallwerelookingat me andadmiring mycostume. Isteppedlightlywith aspringy stepI did notknowmyselftopossess.Onthestageat first all wasbewildering;the audiencelookedlike ablackgapbeyondthehaze ofthefootlights.Thelightsand thespacemadernesomewhatgiddy.I was notconsciousofanyconsternationaroundme,butwhenMotherbroughtmehomeI learnedwhathadhappenedinthetheatre onthatnight.ShespoketoFatherinahushedvoiceas wesatdowntosupper."Yes,as hewas,in costumeandgrotesque make-up.Heart-failure." Ipickedoutfromthis andothersentencesnotreallymeant formyears that the old actorStoukolkin,whoplayedDr.Coppelius,had diedsuddenlyin hisdressing-room.Ithappenedjustbeforethelastact,andtheintervalwasprolongedtogivetheunderstudytime to dress.It didnotmatter tomehowinsignificantmypartsolongasI wasin thisfascinatingstage-world.Tobe in thecrowdwasquiteasufficient thrill to me.Soon,however,thescopeofmyactivitiesgrewlarger.I became one ofthe sixpagesofLilacFairy,in theSleepingBeauty;andin Corsair I hadtocomeonthestageallbymyselfandkneelbeforeMedora,offeringherarose on adamask cushion. These smallpartscould nothavebeen donewithoutrehearsing.Notto interfere withdancing45classes,ourrehearsalswereheldintheafternoon. Theappear-ance ofagovernessin the midst ofanafternoon lesson to calloutpupilswanted forrehearsingwasalwaysa welcomesight,especiallywhenithappened duringarithmetic. Werehearsedmostlyatschool,but whenever it wasrequired,went to thetheatre. Thecapaciousfourwheelers,nicknamed"antedi-luvians,"drewupat thesidedoor,fromthere toconveyus tothe theatre.Theyaccommodated six. Whenmore than onecarriagewas neededwehad twogovernesseswithus,a maidandabeadleoutside.Longancientvehicles,withonewindowattheend,holdingfifteenpeople,wereusedforgreatoccasions.Theseequipagesresembled Black Marias. Thetheatre ownedits own stables. Thecarriageswent to fetch the artists andbroughtthemto theirrespectivehomesafter theperformance.The ballerinas had acarriage exclusivelyto themselves.Theboypupilswehardlyeversaw. Theirquarterswereonthe floorabove,andweonlymet at ballroom lessons and atrehearsals.Talkingwith theboyswasstrictly prohibited.Sedatelywewentthroughall thefiguresofquadrilles,lancersand the minuet without as much asraisingoureyesto ourpartners.Ifanybreachof therule wasespied bythegoverness,the offender wasreprovedand sometimespunished.Inspiteof theseprecautions,mildflirtinghaditsrootsdeepintheschoollife.Lydia Kyashtran to meexcitedlybefore the ballroomlessononeday."I toldmybrothertobecomeyouradmirer,"sheinformedme,"he will beyourpartner to-day."I knewenoughbythis timeto realisethatanadmirerwasnecessarytomygoodstanding, and, thoughI knewfromFather,in whoseclasshewas,thattheboywasalittleruffian,Imeeklyacceptedthesituation.Ourschoolwasfull oflittleaffectations,andIsoonassumedthe Ion tonrequiredbytradition.MynewmannerdidnotatallpleaseMother. She disliked"gentilities"as she called it.AstoLev,heridiculedmewittilyandpitilessly."Whomdoyouadore?"the oldergirlsoften asked me.46Weall had to adoresomebody.Thetwoprincipalballerinas,MatildaKshessinskayaandOlgaPreobrajenskaya,weretheidolsoftheschool,and divided it into twocamps.Masters weresometimes consideredworthyof adoration.Unfortunately,there wereonlytwoyoungishand handsomemasters,one ofthemthefencingmaster. Therestseemedtohavebeenchosenfromapanopticon. MychoicefellonPavelGuerdt.Thoughoverforty,heeverremainedthe"first lover"onthestage,andhis looks didnotbetrayhim. I could fixmyworshiponhimingoodfaith,as Ialwaysadmiredhisappearanceand manner.Itdidnotoccurto metillthen,though,that I adoredhim. Hewasmy godfather,andfromtimetotime cametoseeusathome,alwaysbringingalargeboxof chocolatesforme. Atthisstageofhis careerhedidnotdancemuchowingtorecurringtroublein hisknee,buthesupportedthe ballerina andactedprincipalparts.Fairandhandsome,hewasalmostboyishonthestage,afirst-rateactor. Hetaughtpantomimeattheschool,butonlyadvancedpupilsattended his class.WhenI knelt withmyrose inCorsair,I could not foreseethatyearslater I would be Medora and hemyConrad. Ilookedforwardtohisvisits;healwayssaidsomething encourag-ingto me. What Ispeciallyliked in him was that he neverpattedmeontheheador otherwisetreatedmeas a child. Headdressed me with the samegallantbow,bringinghis heelstogether,as he did to Mother. Onedayas he came to us Ihurried to meet him."Welldone,god-daughter,"he said to me."Verygoodexpression,excellentcarriage,veryartistic thewayyouwalkonthestage."Whetherthere could have beenanyspecialmeritinwalkingonthestageI doubtnow,butthen I feltimmenselyproud.Onthis visit I was sent out oftheroom,tomygreatdis-appointment.Godfatherwanted to talk onsome confidentialmatter. Ongoing awayhe thankedmyMotherrepeatedly.Themysteriouspurposeof hisvisit Isoonlearned. Hisbrother,47Audrey,was then about to be released from a mental home.PoorAndreyhadtemporaryfits ofinsanityandhadbeenin amentalHomeseveral times. Nowthe doctorspronouncedhimsane,but still to bewatched. Hewrotepatheticletters to hisbrotherbeggingtobetakenout,promisingimplicitobedience.Pavelwas ingreat difficulty,as his wifepositivelyrefused totake theresponsibility.Hecame tomyfatherbegginghim,for the sake ofoldfriendship,to takeAndreyunder his care.Father wasnot aman to refuse thisrequest,andmymotheralwayshad beengenerousin theextreme,and it was decidedthatAndreyshould live with us.Theadditionofanewmembertooursmallhouseholdmeantsomerearrangingof accommodation. Fathergaveuphisroomto thenewcomer,and fromnowsleptin thestudyon abigottoman. BothmyparentstookgreatcareofAndrey,andweregenuinelyfond of him. In his dress he wastidyand evenfastidious,and he was docile anddependentas a child. Heregarded Motherashisguardian;heusedtogiveherhispensionmoneyforkeeping,and consulted her whenever he wanted tobuyanything.OnSaturdayshetrottedoffhappilywithFatherandLevtoasteambath. Hisentiredaywasspentinfollowingouroccupations,butnowand then he retired to his room towrite his memoirs. He read bits of them to Mother. Theghastlymemoryofhis incarceration hauntedhim still. Inoneofhis fits hehadbeenthoughtdead. Hehadcometo himselfafteracomathatlasted aboutthreedaystofindhewaslyinginacoffin,candelabras lit at the head and foot. For a time helistened to a monotonous voicereadingPsalms,before hisconsciousness returnedcompletely, and he screamed andstruggledout.Orthodoxlawrequiresthedeadfor threedaysandnightstobe laid out in achapel, psalm-readers relievingeach other inuninterrupted prayerover thebody previousto the funeralserviceandtotheclosingof thecoffin. His wasindeeda narrowescape.48Aperiodofsanityfollowed,and he was taken out ofthehospital.Ononeoccasion,whenhebecametroublesome,hisbrother, referringto theincident,said cruel words tohim,nodoubtwithoutmeaningit."Next time I will takegreatcaretheynailyourcoffinbeforeyoucanwalkoutofit." Theper-petualdread ofbeingburied alivepreyedon him;and evenwhentellingofit hewouldbe in apitifulstate ofnerves."Thatisallright, Andreich,"Mothercomfortedhim,"itwillneverhappenagain.Youwill nevergoto thehospitalifIcartpreventit." He mademyMotherpromisethat,whateverhappened,she would not let him be incarceratedagain.Godknowsshestruggledhard to save him. TherewasasoftspotinMother'sheartforallmentallyafflicted. Herownfatherhadhadspellsoftemporaryinsanityandit left anindelibleimpressiononher mind.Foratimeall wentwell. Peacefulhome-lifewasasparadiseregainedtopoorAndreich,andto allappearanceshe wasquitenormal,but for an occasional sudden and senseless remark.Eveningtea was the time whenwe all satlongandsociablyroundthetable. Thesamovarwouldberemovedandbroughtagain singingandsteaming byDouniasha. She often tarriedin theroom, standing bythe door in her favouriteattitude,her cheekleaningon one of her hands and the other foldedforsupport, smiling beatificallyand at timesventuringsomeremark.TowardsspringAndreichgrew restless,and had fits ofmelancholyfollowedbysleeplessness.Inthenightheoftengotupand roamed about the house. Once he walked into thenursery.Iwokeupandcalled tohim,slightlyfrightened.Heturned roundwithoutawordandwalked off. Anothernighthecameto Fatherandapparentlystoodtheretalkingforsometime beforeFather,a soundsleeper,awoke."Lookhere,Platon,"Andreichwenton."Youmustpreventthe childrenfromhearingtheexplosion.""Whatareyoutalkingabout?"askedFather."Why,don'tyouknow? Iamabouttoburst49and the noise will be tremendous." Father succeeded inquieteningandleadinghimoff,andMothercameandgavehimsomevaleriandrops.ToMotherhewasasobedientasalamb.Nextdayshe called adoctor,whosaid thepoormanwasnotsafetokeepinthehouse. PersonaldiscomfortMotherdidnotmind,butshewasalarmedforoursakes. Inspiteofthat,sherefusedto send himaway.From now on herapidly grewworse.Silent andgloomy,hewanderedabout,and it was evident hesufferedfromhallucinations. Hiseyeswouldbecomefixedandhewouldsuddenlyrushforwardclappinghishands,asifkillingflies."Oneless,"he wouldsayingrimsatisfaction. Hechased smalldevils,as heexplained.Onenighta terriblecommotionaroseinthe house. In afrenzyAndreich tried totearhistongueout. Fathercouldhardlyholdhim. Therewasnochoiceleft. Mother rushedoutinthenighttofetchassistancefrom St. NicholasHospitalfor mental trouble. When thedoctorandtwomenarrivedhesaiditwasdeliriumtremens,andthepatient must be removed. Thepoorwretch defendedhimselfdesperately,and the men couldhardlyhandle him. Motherhadthepainfuldutyofinducinghimtofollowthedoctor. Ather word he dressedobediently,but insisted thatmyMothershouldgowithhim. Shewent,heartbroken. She told after-wards howhe becamequietand lucid on theway, bigtearsrunningdown his cheeks. His resistance was broken. Heneverleft thehospital,anddiedinashorttime. Mothercouldneverthinkorspeakofit withouttears.OnemorningDouniashacame as usual at seven o'clock tocallme. Sheshook megentlyinmysleepandassheleantoverme,said,"TheTzarpassedawayinthesmallhours. Hissoulbe inpeace."Later,impressed bythe blackdraperiesthat decorated thehousesand the funeral arches erected on thewayofthepro-50cession,I startedcomposingafuneral odeinsevenmetreverse,but it didn'tgofurtherthan two stanzas.I had beenwritingverses for sometime. AHmywritingsonoddbits ofpaperI usedtosignwithmyfullname,rollupandhidebehindthestoveinourroom.Asthe result ofadancingexamination in thespring,I wasmadeaboardpupil.Theidea ofseparationdid not entermyhead. It wasnot to be till nextautumn,andI hadthewholesummeratLogto lookforward to. In themeantimethe ideaofaprettyblue dresswasanattractiontome.CHAPTERVII/BecomeaBoarderEtiquette"LunaticAmi"SchoolDis-ciplineFirst Contact with the Theatre AForgotten SpeechIPUTaway mytreasures and wentthrough myfavourite bookswithsomethinglikemelancholybeforeleavinghomeforschool,wherethistimeI wastoremain. Butuppermostinmythoughtswas theanticipation ofa newlife and afeeling amountingtotheexhilarationof avotary.Theprolongedfarewellsstirredmyemotion,and I shed some tears atparting.Mothercom-fortedmebysayingshewouldcometoseemeonthereceptionday.Butthe onesorelyafflicted waspoorDouniasha.Shetook metoschoolonthelastSundayeveninginAugust.Intheomnibussheneverbrokesilence,butsurreptitiouslywipedoffher tears andblew her noseloudly.It mademe rather self-conscious, though nobody paidgreatattentiontous. Shekissedmegood-bye onthelanding. Wetting mycheekswithhertears,shecrossedmethreetimes,repeatingoddsandendsofprayersandinvocationstotheHolyVirginandSt. Nicholas.I turnedbackoncemorebeforeI entered thedoorleadingto the classesand saw her stillmaking signsof the Cross underneathhershawl. Oneoftheschoolmaidstoldmeafterwards thatwhenIdisappearedfromhersightDouniashabrokedowncompletely.Themaidgavehersomewaterandtried tocomforther. Onceinside,Ifeltasharppangofremorse. I wishedIhadhadmoretosayto Douniasha.Many girlswerealready gatheredin thebigroom. Thegovernessstood therecheckingthe names. With her stoodVarvaraIvanovna,in whosepresenceIalwaysfeltshyandtimid. Iwentuptocurtsy."Goodness,"shesaid,"whyallthese frills? Youarenotcomingto aparty."She turnedtothegoverness,"OlgaAndreevna,willyousee that thisfringeofhers is brushedback;yourMothermaylikedressing youup,mydear,butwedonotwantthesefancifulcoiffures/'Myblue hat tiedupunder the chinwasnotunlike that ofasmartdoll;it hadbeenmyparticular pride.Motherpaid quitealotfor it as she could not resistit,she said.Varvara Ivanovna retired to herapartment,and we weretakentochangeourdresses.DuringtheyearIhadbeenaday-girlI had seennothingof theliving quarters, onlythe class-roomsanddancing-rooms.Theroomwherethe smallpupilsdressed wascalled thewashingroom,fromalarge coppertubraised onaplatformin thecentre,like agiganticsaucer withacauldronin themiddle.Everymorningandeveningwehadto stand round it under a coldtap.From the wardrobe mistress I received a bluesergedress.Itwascutonold-fashionedlines, tightbodicecutlowandafullgatheredskirtcomingdown to theinstep.The whiteplainfichu ofstarchedlawnhadtobepinnedatthebackandcrossedin front;blackalpacaapron,whitestockingsandblackpumpscompletedthe costume. OnSundaysweworea whiteapronwithtucks. I soonlearnt adoggerelrhymewhichweallsaid,fingeringthe tucks like arosary:Shall I be a titledlady?Oraspooras well can be?Shall I wedasimplesailor?Will ageneral marryme?Alongenumeration ofpossiblealliances finished withOraspinster alwaysbe?That firsteveningI committed agreatoffence from notknowingthe customsoftheschool. Whenready,I wanderedaimlesslyfrom oneroom to another. Our floor was dividedinto twoparts,the schoolrooms andliving-rooms, generallycalled the"other side";thedancing-rooms belongedto theother side. That division waspurelyfictitious,astheyranin53astraightenfiladeandthedoorsbetweenremainedopenexceptwhenthe classes were held. Astrict rule forbade ourgoingfrom the"other side"to the schoolrooms and vice-versawithoutaskingpermission.Paralleltothedancing-roomswerethemusic-roomandtheroundroom,whichservedasalibrary,lookinginto the centralcourtyard.Thewindows there wereofordinary glassand the rooms seemed smaller and moreintimate. Onthis firsteveningI wanderedupanddownandaroundthedancing-rooms,buttheirbarevastnessmademefeelhomesickand I went to the round room. There I sawOlgaAndreevnareplacingsomebooksandasked herifImighthavesomethingto read. Fromthe first I felt a friend in her; shewas themosthumanofourgovernesses,andneverwas calleda"toad,"as all the others. Ichose,onheradvice,UHistoired'unAne^byMadamedeSegur.Shepattedmeslightlyontheheadand said sheknewI wasa serious childfond ofreading.Anticipatingthejoyof somereadingbeforesupper,Iwentwithmybookto thedining-room.It waslongandcomparativelynarrow. Thetableswerelaid forsupper.Oneofthe seniorswasmakingtea froma samovar. Atthe far end between thestove and ikoncupboard,stood a smaller table covered withblackoilclothandnotlaidforsupper.Therewasalightoverit andafewbig girlssatround,somereading,someworking.It lookedcosythere and warm;there seemed room on thebench,so I went and sat down. The effect ofmyinnocentactionwasexplosive.Likedisturbedwasps,angryejaculationsflewat me."Whatimpudence!". . . "Isshesane?". . ."Isay,areyouhalf-witted?". . ."Let me touchyourhead." ..."Youmustbeinadelirium.""Areyouspeak-ingtome?"Iasked,thoughI knewit mustbe to no other."Toyou, miserable,"said thegirl byname Olinka."Howdareyouforceyourselfon our table !"Iretreated, feeblyprotestingthat I was not to be called"miserable."Abell summonedustosupper. Goingintomeals hadsome-thingof aprocessionalsolemnity.Weformedcolumnbytwos54intheadjoining roomand, when the formation wasready, walkedin while thegovernesscounted us likesheep.Thecountingwas donebeforeeverymeal,andstruckmeat once as absurd.Muchlater Ilearned theoriginofthis measure. Thestoryhadbecome alegend,told in thrilledwhispers.I heard it whenI wasasenior,andithadthecorroborationof themaidEuphyrniaorPhymoushka,aswecalledher. Passedfromonegenerationofgirlstoanother,thestoryhadvery likely gotmuch orna-mented,but it wasquitetrue in its main lines. Someyearsbefore,agirl,referred to as"lunaticAnn,"remarkableforherbeautyandrecklessspirits,hadelopedfromtheschool withanofficer ofHorseGuards,whom she first met whenhome onholiday.Onthe wall inside her wardrobe Annhad writtendownheradventure fromdaytoday.Shedescribedhowtheyoungofficerusedtobe drivenbyapairofbayhorsesupanddown TheatreStreet,while she stood on the windowofthedormitoryandsignalledto him. Italways happenedin theafternoon,while thepupilswere in the schoolrooms.Ann,beingap&pin&re,did not follow the classes and had obtainedpermissiontogototheothersideunderthepretextofpractisingthepiano-Thosewhoread her narrative said it wasthrillingand,whatwasmore,that therewasadashhereandthere tobefilled inbythe reader. Theannals ofher romance were notdiscovered tilllongafterherdisappearance,whenthewardrobeswerebeing repapered.With the connivance ofamaid,sincedismissed,Ann,disguisedinmaid'sdress,withashawloverherhead,had come outthroughthepantryon to the back stairsandthroughthe side door out into theemptystreet. Sincethatevent,girls upwardsof fifteenyearsofagenever wenthomefor theholidays exceptfor threedaysat Christmas andonEasterDay.Inmytime all the windowslookinginto thestreetwereoffrostedglass.Since that firstevening,Ialwayswalked inpairwithLydiaKyasht.Wehadbeenfriendssince webothenteredtheschool.There wasan unwritten law offriendship accordingto which55onegirlhad norightto be onintimate terms withanyothebesidestheacknowledged.Alittleformalityprecededformingafriendship."Willyoubemyfriend and tell me allyou:secrets?"ononeside,andapromiseto do so onthe other.Whenprayersweresungafterthemeal,wealltroopeddowrthepassageto thedormitory,this time indisarray.Sedovztold me togetto bedquicklyas she wouldcomeand sit ormybed. Eachseniorgirlhadherfavouriteamongst theyoungeiones. Thesignoffavourwasto sit ontheprotegee'sbedfoiafewminutesintheevening;inreturn,theprotectresswastobe"adored." Each elder had thedutyofgiving dancingpracticein theeveningto a certainnumberofthejuniors,andit wasfromamongthose that her favourite waschosen. Weallsleptinthesamedormitory;itwaslikeavasthospitalwardwithfiftybedsandampleroomformanymore. Somefifteenseniorssleptinarecess at oneend;thegovernessat theother,herbedscreened off. Overeachbedhungthe schoolnumberof theoccupant.Onthat, myfirst,nightintheschool,VarvaraIvanovnapaida visit to thedormitory.Inthe dimbluelightofanightlamp,her tallfiguremovedtoandfro inthepassagebetween the beds. Notyet asleep,I watched her from underclosedeyelids.Herrhythmic, swingingstride,curiously lightfor herstature,seemed amajestic progress bythe side ofthewaddling, motherlyOlgaAndreevna. Shestoppedbeforemybed;I heard her shockedwhisper,"Strangeattitude ! Shemightbelaid outinhercoffin." Isleptonmybackwitharmscrossed because Ithoughtit aholyattitudelikelytokeepoffbad dreams. But I had a morbid dream inspiteof that. Idreamtit wasnightand I stood allbymyselfin ourdressing-room. Thesound ofstepsonthe stonefloor behindmemademeturn roundandcomeinto thepassage.Someonejustdis-appearedroundthecorner,andIcaughtaglimpseof theswayingskirtsof ablackcoat. Ifollowedthesoundofsteps,andit ledmethroughvast unknown rooms. At times I could see thebackofamanwalkingfast in front ofme,hishighboots andthree-corneredhat. Thefiguredisappearedfrommysight,andIfoundmyselfbeforeadoorthat Iknewledthroughacoveredbridgeto the backwing,where thebigrehearsal room was.This door wasalways keptlocked. I triedit;itgave,andI foundmyself backinthedressing-roomwonderinghowithadhappened. Bythe doorstood themaninblack,withhis backto me. I could see that his hair was tiedupwith a bow.IthoughtImight creep throughthe door and back to thedormitory unnoticed,when the manturned round and I sawthegrinofaskeleton. Iknewonehadtobethefirst tospeaktoanapparitionitgaveapowerover it butIwasparalysed.Nowordscame,inspiteofadesperateeffort. Themanspokefirst."I amoneofthose buriedunderhere.""What doyouwant ofme?"Imanagedtosay.HereI wokeup,shakenby Lydia saying,"Don'tscream,youfrightenme/'Nextmorning,asPhymoushkawascombing myhair withacurrycomb,I related withbated breathmydramaticdream,thebreathlessflight throughthecorridors, sable-cloak,skeletonandall.Phymoushkasaidmydreammeant achangeof weather.Allthegirls upto fifteenwerecombedbymaids,theseniorsbeingtrusted to do it themselves.Every morning,after thecoldtap,weformed aqueuebythewindowin thedormitory,wherefour maidswentthroughthetask,takingeachherownclients. It was a sociablecorner,andwewould have tarriedover thecombinghad it notbeenfor all wehad to dobeforebreakfast. Wehadtomakeourbedsandgetreadytenminutesbefore thebell,toshowup.Thegovernesssat at the doorofthedining-room;and wecameuponebyone,curtsied andslowlyturnedround. Thejuniors gotstraight intotheirdancingkit andwerewrappedin a thick blue shawl withlong fringe.It became a habit with me to make it into innumerable littleplaits endingin aknot. Ina fewdays'time thewholeofthefringewasthusplaited,andthecompletionofit coincidedwiththecomingondutyofHelenaAndreevna. Shewasverykind57and,compared withtheothergovernesses,quiteunconventional.Shenoticed theunusual lookofmyshawl as I wentupto herinthemorningtoshowup.